Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Updates: “Wishing for a Baby” Responds (Again)

It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Wishing for a Baby” who was depressed that she still hadn’t gotten pregnant after several months of trying. Keep reading to see how she and her husband are doing now.

So a few months ago you gave me a very sweet response about infertility, and the commenters were wonderful. I gave an original update saying we were going to Paris and starting to fill our lives with fun “pre baby” things. We did great with taking dance classes and cooking classes. We worked on our house, and it really helped with our focus. After 14 months of trying to conceive, we got pregnant. We were over-the-moon happy. But that baby wasn’t meant to be, and I miscarried after 2.5 months.

We grieve in a way that I didn’t know was possible. In the hospital, I sobbed and howled at losing the baby. Our friends, family, and medical care have been amazing. But I just feel like a shell. I feel like I didn’t take care of the baby. My husband and I were trying so hard to be good parents already. We had fresh food at every meal, my husband would pump the gas in both cars because he didn’t want the fumes to hurt the baby, he would kiss me twice – once for me and once for the baby. I didn’t watch scary shows (i.e. “Walking Dead” or “Game of Thrones”) because I didn’t want the baby to think the world was a scary place. We started planning ideas for the nursery, and I was looking for maternity bridesmaids dresses for my sister’s upcoming wedding. We happily changed our whole lives in anticipation of this baby. And now it is gone and we are trying to pick up the pieces.

The hardest thing and what I am trying to do is to maneuver around my friends. They have been so sweet, but they all have kids. Intellectually, I know that they are loving, wonderful people. But emotionally, I resent them. I don’t want to talk to them on the phone and hear the kids in the background. I have cancelled all the RSVPs for kid-related things — one first birthday party, two baby showers, and a few get-togethers — and said I am not ready. Everyone understands, but it is lonely. Everyone tells me stories about people they knew who had miscarriages and how they have kids now, and they all say it’s great that at least we now know that we can be pregnant. I know these things are true, but I miss the baby I was carrying and I am not ready (physically or emotionally) to jump back on the horse and look for the next one. I hate when my friends complain about their kids even though I try to understand that they have their own challenges. I hate our friends who accidentally got pregnant for just existing in the world. I hate every news story about a terrible mother or father.

Any advice on how to move forward? — Still Wishing for a Baby

I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through because I imagine that losing a pregnancy — especially one you waited so long for — is one of those things that you can’t truly comprehend unless you’ve been through it before, and I haven’t. I don’t know the depth of grief you feel or the level of regret and sadness. I can’t fully wrap my head around the resentment you have toward anyone who has a child. And I can’t truly understand what it’s like to feel angry at the whole world for continuing to spin when you’re hurting so much — when you’ve lost something so important — because I haven’t been through it.

I can imagine what you’re feeling, but I don’t really know, and I think any words of comfort I could offer you wouldn’t be as meaningful as those from people who really DO know what you’re going through — people who have been there and know exactly what that grief and anger and resentment and hopelessness feels like. So I would recommend finding a support group for people who have experienced miscarriages, either online or offline (or both). I Googled “miscarriage support” and found several websites that would lead you to active forums where you could connect with others who know what you’re going through. You could also do a more specific search for support groups in your area. And maybe readers who have been in your shoes can also weigh in in the comments with advice and words of comfort.

I would also recommend talking to a therapist who specializes in miscarriage and fertility support. You can go to PsychologyToday.com and do a search for therapists in your zip code to find a match. It’s important to understand that what you’re feeling is normal, and that while you will always miss the baby you lost, the depth of sadness will wane eventually. A therapist — someone who is trained specifically in miscarriage support — will have the tools to help you deal with the world in a productive and healthy way. And eventually you will have to deal with the world. You will have to, and you will want to. Because the world includes those friends who have kids and celebrate birthdays and baby showers and host family get-togethers, and their love and friendship are what makes life a little brighter. Eventually, the brightness they bring will outweigh the sadness and you will welcome their presence (and their kids’ presence). But take your time. And find the support that is going to help you get to a place of acceptance and eventually peace.

And please keep us posted on how you’re doing. You have lots of strangers on the internet rooting for you.

***************

If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at wendy@dearwendy.com with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

58 comments… add one
  • avatar

    lets_be_honest March 20, 2013, 2:13 pm

    I’m so sorry. I have no advice, but am sending thoughts and prayers your way.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest March 20, 2013, 2:15 pm

      Also, lovely response by Wendy. Such a heartbreaking letter.

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl March 20, 2013, 2:19 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, LW. I would definitely recommend therapy or at the very least, talks with other women who have experienced this.

    Unfortunately, miscarriage is more common than most people think. I have had several friends go through this and all i can say is that it will get better. Keep in touch with your doctor especially. He or she will have a lot of advice on the next step. Most will recommend you continue to try as your body will be especially receptive to pregnancy during this time.

    Best wishes for healing to you and your husband

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary March 20, 2013, 2:20 pm

    I am so sorry for this very real loss. I agree with Wendy’s suggestion of support groups a therapist. While I think it is OK for the time being to avoid children’s birthday parties and social events for now, if it is affecting you say 3-6 months down the road you may want to talk to someone who can help you deal with these feelings.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne March 20, 2013, 2:21 pm

    Heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss. My best friend lost her first two pregnancies and watching her grief was just heartbreaking. I think Wendy’s advice is spot-on and encourage you to take it. Good luck – I hope you start to mend and find the solace you need right now.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark March 20, 2013, 2:25 pm

    Wendy is right, you need grief/fertility counseling. Your grief is understandable — but it is very extreme to the point of where it now controls and limits you. Miscarriages are a fact of life — and they truly aren’t ANY indicator of how you were taking care of the baby. That kind of thinking will only drive you mad. You didn’t “lose” the baby. The pregnancy failed. Big difference. It has nothing to do with something you did “wrong”. And yes, it sucks. But it happens to many people — and many people DO go on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies… You have to remember that.

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    • avatar

      Elanie May March 20, 2013, 2:36 pm

      Mark is right. You didn’t do anything wrong. At all. This is not your fault, nor anything you did. Pregnancies fail and it hurts…I can’t imagine the pain of losing a baby you’ve wanted for such a long time.

      There are a lot of blogs out there, too, where you might find consolation. Many, many women have taken their infertility struggles online. (Most of the ones I read, the women now have children, but they document their struggles with miscarriages, infertility, IVF, etc. and the archives might be some help to you. Alittlepregnant.com and julia.typepad.com both started blogs around their infertility and are now (hilarious) mommy bloggers.)

      Best wishes!

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl March 20, 2013, 2:37 pm

      Wonderful response Mark.

      It’s so important to not blame yourself, LW for your miscarriage- it is NOT your fault.

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    • avatar

      Violet March 20, 2013, 3:20 pm

      Completely true. A close friend of mine had three failed pregnancies over several years, and then finally had two healthy children back to back in her mid thirties. When the body is not ready, it does not mean you failed.

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      • avatar

        Riefer March 21, 2013, 11:24 am

        It’s not even necessarily that the body isn’t ready. One very common cause of miscarriage (they estimate around 60%) is chromosomal mismatch. That means the egg and sperm came together, each with your and your husband’s chromosomes respectively, but when they joined the chromosomes didn’t line up properly. Totally nothing you or your husband could do about it. Not your fault or your body’s fault at all. It’s just that sometimes the biology doesn’t work out, sadly.

        Not to say that this should lessen your grief, but please don’t think of it as your “fault” in any way. I think you’re making it harder on yourself by looking at it that way. So many things in life are up to chance, and this is one of those things. You’re doing everything you can to increase your odds, and that’s all anyone can do.

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    • avatar

      Meelomilo March 21, 2013, 12:02 am

      What may also help you with your grief beyond a therapist is finding someone to talk to who has also been through this, maybe even a close family member. I promise that while you feel alone and angry many, many women have dealt with this.

      Ex: the women in my family have no trouble getting pregnant, but we never manage to stay pregnant and it was very common in my childhood to have my mother or aunt in the hospital because of a miscarriage.

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  • avatar

    bethany March 20, 2013, 2:43 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Like everyone else, I can’t really offer you any insight, because I have none. Just know that you have our support, and we are all wishing the best for you.

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  • avatar

    Friend of Beagles March 20, 2013, 2:45 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, LW. This quandary is beyond my depth, but here’s another search engine to find a psychologist who specializes in fertility issues.
    http://locator.apa.org/index.cfm?event=search.text

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  • avatar

    Miss Terri March 20, 2013, 2:45 pm

    My heart goes out to you. Also, I hope you don’t mind if I offer some medical advice (yes, I am a physician). As many people have said – you didn’t do anything “wrong” – miscarriages happen – alot. Like you – most people don’t talk about them or share their pain/loss. Alot of us would be surprised how many of our own mothers have suffered miscarriages. But I will also mention something that a colleague (an OB/GYN) once shared with me. Some women do everything “wrong” – don’t eat right, do drugs, drink, etc. – and they STILL get pregnant, usually unplanned, and MOST of the time, the pregnancies are normal…. So please don’t blame yourself or your husband. Follow Wendy’s advice, and try to be gentle with yourself…. Alot of people feel your pain and are rooting for you!! Please keep us updated!!

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    • theattack

      theattack March 20, 2013, 3:28 pm

      I was going to comment something very similar. The fact that some people do everything wrong and still have perfect babies should be proof that the LW did not cause this in any way. I really hope she can give herself a break soon.

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  • Lady K

    Lady K March 20, 2013, 2:49 pm

    LW, I’m so sorry for the loss you and your husband have experienced. I don’t have any advice or wisdom to share, but I will be sending thoughts and prayers your way.

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  • lynn

    lynn March 20, 2013, 2:52 pm

    You and your husband sound like you would make great parents. I am sorry for your loss — but like others have said, remember, it’s not your fault.

    I’m not sure what your beliefs are, but here are my two cents…

    God has a plan for the two of you, and while it may be hard to understand now as far as why these things happen… one day, hopefully you’ll have a clear picture and understand. Maybe timing isn’t right, maybe the plan is for you to get pregnant tomorrow or a year from now and have some beautiful babies in the future. My thoughts and prayers are with y’all, and I hope that you will be blessed with a beautiful baby of your own. Even when it’s hard, remember to stay positive and optimistic… I think that will help. I also second the idea of seeing a therapist, hopefully that person can help you keep moving forward. And if it ever gets tough, it’s always OK to cry and feel sad, just try to keep your faith.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle March 20, 2013, 2:53 pm

    I’m so sorry, LW. I really can’t imagine the incomprehensible pain you’re dealing with, & I think you’re doing the right thing—for now—by avoiding kids’ parties, etc. But try not to isolate yourself for too long, and like others said, don’t blame yourself AT ALL for the loss of your baby.

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG March 20, 2013, 3:08 pm

    I am also so sorry. Tears sprung to my eyes. Wendy is right- you have many internet strangers rooting for you. A little piece of this stranger’s heart broke for you.

    Praying & hoping a little light shines through for you very soon.

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  • avatar

    Amanda March 20, 2013, 2:23 pm

    Oh LW, I am so so sorry for your lost baby. Wendy’s advice is great. In addition to DW, I am an avid reader of OffbeatFamilies, and they have excellent articles about trying to conceive and infertility, especially this one:

    You are not alone LW. There are so many others struggling to get pregnant and stay pregnant. My heart goes out to you in this very difficult time.

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:28 am

      This was very helpful. thanks, I have been reading different articles for an hour.

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  • Imsostartled

    Imsostartled March 20, 2013, 4:05 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss LW. I too went through a miscarriage recently and while it was no where near as far along, I can empathize with you a little bit. I agree with the other commenters who are suggesting pregnancy loss forums and going to therapy. Also, if you need to talk more to people outside of your immediate circle I’d recommend starting a forum topic. It really helped me to talk to other DWers when I was feeling low.

    I also understand the resentment you’re feeling. For a little while when I had to get a lot of testing after the miscarriage, I kept seeing pregnant women at the doctor. It made me feel sad, resentful and a bit jealous. I didn’t like having these feelings and I knew that they were irrational, but they were hard to shake. After talking with my husband and my mom a lot they started to dissipate and while I sometimes feel a pang of wanting what they have, the negative feelings have subsided and I can see pregnant women and have a bit of hope for the future. Someday you’ll feel like you’ll be able to handle social situations with kids again, and I would suggest taking it slow. Perhaps only dropping in and having a sign to your husband when you need to go. My husband knows that if anyone starts talking about “when are we finally going to have kids” that he needs to immediately change the subject. Having some “rules” like that with your husband might be helpful.

    My heart breaks for you and I hope that you find some peace soon.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph March 21, 2013, 6:36 am

      Ugh this is why the question “When are you going to have kids?” is absolutely the rudest, most insensitive, horrible thing. You never know who’s trying, who’s struggling with infertility, who had a miscarriage… you never know when you’re rubbing salt in an open wound.
      I have been thinking about this since we just got married, are nowhere near ready to start trying, and already have people looking our way for babies. I am going to start a one-woman campaign to stamp this line of questioning out, by making anyone who asks it feel as awkward as possible. I’m thinking a forceful “Wow, that was really inappropriate!” followed by walking away immediately should do the trick.
      Who’s with me?!

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      • avatar

        Riefer March 21, 2013, 11:30 am

        Do it! I was so lucky that my family and my husband’s family was never pushy about it. But you hear about so many people who are bugged every time they get together with family. It’s messed up.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph March 22, 2013, 7:33 am

        It’s not only family! It’s coworkers, and casual friends, and the little old ladies at [insert house of worship].
        Those people are worse, in my opinion. MYOB!

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      • KKZ

        KKZ March 22, 2013, 12:28 pm

        I understand the temptation, but I don’t think that approach will actually get it to “click” with anyone exactly why this is rude – they might just think you’re being rude to THEM by not answering a simple and common question.

        “That’s kind of personal, don’t you think?” might actually get them to reflect on why they maybe shouldn’t be asking that question.

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:42 am

      Thanks, you are sweet.

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  • avatar

    John Rohan March 20, 2013, 4:55 pm

    “We had fresh food at every meal, my husband would pump the gas in both cars because he didn’t want the fumes to hurt the baby, he would kiss me twice – once for me and once for the baby. I didn’t watch scary shows (i.e. “Walking Dead” or “Game of Thrones”) because I didn’t want the baby to think the world was a scary place.”

    WOW. You really shouldn’t blame yourself. Ironically, plenty of women have babies in the worst of conditions, such as women in Sudan or Somalia, who are suffering from malnutrition and are exposed to toxins and violence every day. And yet many of them still have babies.

    I’m no expert, but just throwing this out for consideration. Maybe instead of trying to live so safely, you should consider just live your life normally. Stress can affect miscarriages, and if you are in your usual routine, your stress should be lower. It also might help keep you from crashing from building up expectations too high.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant March 20, 2013, 6:34 pm

      Erm, maybe this makes me the jerk, but I don’t know if your well intentioned advice is the best thing for her to hear right now. I mean the poor woman already thinks she’s the cause of her miscarriage, so lets not give her another potential reason to blame herself (I.e. stop stressing out)

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      • avatar

        Lindsay March 20, 2013, 6:57 pm

        Yeah. I mean, sure, stress can be unhealthy for anyone, but I don’t think that the stress that may come from changing some of your habits is going to make or break a pregnancy. The LW should make sure she’s emotionally ready before she tries again, but many women with miscarriages who are likely extremely stressed and worried the next time around end up having healthy babies.

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      • avatar

        John Rohan March 20, 2013, 8:43 pm

        You may be right – I am definitely not the expert here and only throwing that out as food for thought.

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:41 am

      John, you aren’t the first person to say this. Heck when we were trying, people would be like “just don’t think about it.” But this wasn’t a high stress standard we were putting on ourselves. We were excited. We were happy. We got up early in the morning and made eggs with chopped vegetables in them and fresh fruit with yogert and granola. This was fun because we were practicing at being parents. We watched movies like back to the future and comedies because it was fun. We thought it was finally our turn and we loved it. It wasn’t a burden.

      Next time, I am sure we will be more cautious with our hearts.

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  • avatar

    Teri Anne March 20, 2013, 5:08 pm

    Even though it has been 13 years since my miscarriage, this letter reminds me of how raw I felt. I was diagnosed with infertility while I was still in college, before I even had my first relationship. I was married for 20 years before my husband died, but unlike the LW I was ambivalent about having children. When I was 42, I began experiencing definite pregnancy symptoms. I knew I was pregnant but put off seeing the doctor because I really did not want a child and did not want to deal with the situation. Then I had a miscarriage.

    I was utterly astonished at the intense grief I felt, even though I did not want children. This was MY BABY that I had lost. I also felt guilty that I had caused the miscarriage to happen, because I had not seen a doctor. I had not told my husband about the possibility of being pregnant, because I was afraid of his reaction, and he did not believe me when I told him I had a miscarriage. So I had no one to confide in. Eventually I did recover, and realized that I did not cause my miscarriage because I lived a healthy lifestyle.

    I want to tell the LW that her intense grief is normal because she and her husband have suffered a profound loss. Grieving feels awful, but I want to reassure her that she will eventually feel better. While grieving cannot be rushed, the LW’s healthy lifestyle will be helpful towards eventual recovery. I found that trying to get enough sleep (difficult during grieving), eating properly and mild exercise were very helpful.

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:44 am

      I think the hormones are a big reason it is so intense. I appreciate your story. It helped alot.

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  • avatar

    Melissa March 20, 2013, 6:03 pm

    My mom had four miscarriages before having me. Don’t give up.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay March 20, 2013, 7:00 pm

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through. 🙁 My cousin’s wife had three miscarriages before finally having a successful pregnancy, and she was like you in that she did everything humanly possible to take care of the baby. So, it’s definitely not your fault. You and your husband sound like you’ll be wonderful parents!

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  • avatar

    arbee March 20, 2013, 7:21 pm

    LW, my experience was similar to yours. My husband and I had been trying for just over a year when I got pregnant last November. I went for my first ultrasound at 8.5 weeks and learned that the baby had stopped developing 2 weeks earlier. I chose to take medication to start the miscarriage rather than wait for it to occur naturally. The thought of waiting, knowing what was coming, was too much to bear.

    I spent most of the first two weeks after the miscarriage at home feeling sad, angry and really sorry for myself. Eventually, I got tired of that and went back to work. The next several weeks are a bit of a blur. I forced myself to go along with my normal routine because I knew that dwelling on what happened, what I could/should have done differently, will I ever get pregnant again? etc. wasn’t helping anything. At some point (maybe mid-February), I actually started to feel normal again. I no longer feel like an empty shell. I still feel pangs of jealousy at times, but the resentment and anger have faded.

    During the worst of it, I coped by talking to my husband and my mother about what I was thinking and feeling – even the stuff that was hard to admit. Also, the article from Offbeat Families that Amanda linked above was particularly helpful. I felt really guilty about the resentment I was feeling but that article helped me realize I wasn’t alone.

    Sorry, I know this is long and rambling. I just wanted to share my story so that hopefully you’ll see that you’re not alone and the things you’re feeling are normal.

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:47 am

      Thanks for your story. IT seems similar.

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  • kare

    kare March 20, 2013, 7:29 pm

    This is such a heartbreaking update. I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not give up hope. I know you have heard about so many people who have miscarriages, etc. But the thing is – you were able to get pregnant. That is a huge step. And you will be able to do so again. It is not your fault you miscarried. Many women experience miscarriages in the first trimester. Before we had the medical technology to know about pregnancy so soon, women would miscarry without fully knowing they were pregnant.

    You have every right to your grief and to grieve in whatever way you will see fit. I haven’t experienced this type of loss, but I do have some advice for handling the pain. Find something to keep you busy, especially something like volunteering that will bring you joy. Whenever I was struggling this last year with many inner demons and other issues, I began volunteering. It helped me get out of my head and gave my life meaning. I personally didn’t want to open up to people about my pain, but by taking that pain out from under the microscope and spending my energy on other things, I was able to heal. Good luck. The entire DW community (including many lurkers, I’m sure) have you in our thoughts and prayers.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ March 20, 2013, 6:32 pm

    *hug*
    If you can, you and your husband need to stop thinking that the miscarriage was any fault of either of you. Many miscarriages happen because the baby had a deficiency that would have made it very hard to live once born.
    I have to keep reminding myself that any/every time I miscarried.

    Follow Wendy’s advice. Good luck.

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  • avatar

    Forced_therapy March 20, 2013, 7:46 pm

    Oh no, I just found out I was pregnant after trying a long time & now I’m afraid the same thing will happen to me.

    But nothing in life is guaranteed. Pregnancies can be scary for the woman b/c of all the things that can go wrong.

    So sorry, LW, but know this–you are NOT responsible for the death of your baby. It just happened. Don’t blame yourself, please.

    Turn over your cares to the Lord & tell Him the desires of your heart. I did, and I got preggy. Praying that it sticks. Keep trying, and see a specialist if U haven’t. They know a lot more than regular OBs do.

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    • avatar

      Teri Anne March 20, 2013, 8:24 pm

      I am glad that this commentator became pregnant. But not everyone who prays is granted a pregnancy (I wasn’t), so I find this irritating.

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      • lynn

        Lynn March 21, 2013, 10:08 am

        You’re not guaranteed anything by praying other than knowing the Lord has a plan for you. For a lot of people… having faith and letting go and letting God is their way of not worrying.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 21, 2013, 12:32 pm

        Really? Shocking. Also that’s not at all what she said, but ok.

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      • avatar

        LW March 22, 2013, 6:52 am

        I understand your sentiment. It makes me think of that Garth Brooks song, “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” But on my bad days, I think that God forgot about us.

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    • avatar

      Lily in NYC March 21, 2013, 11:03 am

      Ugh, unfair. I know you are trying to be nice and helpful but saying stuff like that makes it sound like people who don’t pray or aren’t religious are “lesser than.”

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:55 am

      So I haven’t been to church since it happened. I just wasn’t ready for the kids and the crowds. I worried that I would just sob while there. I told my mom that I was just so angry at God and the way the world is. She said to me, “God is a big boy, he can handle it. So just be angry for now.”

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom March 20, 2013, 9:41 pm

    I had a miscarriage in between my two children. Of course I was sad, but I’ve always felt that they were God’s way of saying “something’s not right”. The LW really needs counseling as her state of mind is very extreme and could hinder her from conceiving again. I’m assuming they’re having sex and aren’t on birth control so it can happen. I have friends that actually divorced because they couldn’t conceive and the wife became so irrational and they weren’t even trying all that long. I hope therapy can help her.

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  • avatar

    Amy March 20, 2013, 10:59 pm

    I’m so sorry – how devastating for you. I’m glad that you are reaching out – and hope you find some comfort from the words of these strangers. I had a similar situation – and wish I’d have reached out for support from a counselor or support group – I tried for a number of years and had two miscarriages. I dealt with most of the grief on my own. My husband wasn’t very supportive – I don’t think he knew how to deal with such strong and unpleasant feelings. All of my friends and even my sister were having babies – so it was hard for me to reach out to them – or even my mom because my sister was having baby stories, etc. It would have helped me heal if I’d had some more support.

    I think Wendy hit it on the head too – that it’s really hard to come to terms with things not going to plan when you are used to working hard for a goal and achieving it.

    My story didn’t end with the happy ever after that I’d hoped for at the time. But those struggles taught me some lessons about inner peace and letting go. And I have found that when I let go of dreams that I hold on to too tightly, something better usually comes along. But it wasn’t a fun lesson to learn – and I am so sorry that you are in the midst of these terribly painful feelings. Oh -and just because my dreams at the time didn’t work out how I hoped – I’m so happy these days. I still hope to have a family one day – and I feel pretty confident that life works out the way it should.

    Please try to give yourself a break – it’s OK to feel resentment. You won’t always feel that way, but just be gentle with yourself now while you are having a hard time. And I’m SO very glad that you and your husband seem to be working together well on this – it’s such a hard thing on a relationship – but if you can be there for each other and keep loving each other, it can strengthen a relationship too. Many relationships fall apart under the weight, but it sounds like you and your husband will be stronger together. Maybe you aren’t always right in step with each other – but if you are trying to be supportive and loving, I think you’ll continue to be a great couple!

    Well – I’m sorry for rambling on and on about all of this in such a disjointed manner. Your letter touched my heart and took me back a few years to some of my memories. I wish you all the best in the world and I hope your arms will be holding a son or daughter very soon. Hugs!

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    • avatar

      LW March 22, 2013, 6:58 am

      I appreciate your rambling.

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  • avatar

    Michelle March 21, 2013, 8:19 am

    I dont have advice for you, i have never been though anything like that. I am actually childfree by choice. But I wanned to tell you that I can tell, from the way you write and the thins you say, that you will be a wondefrul mother and that I believe that if more people like you would have children, the world would become a better place, in time. I wish I would have been raised by someone like you.

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      LW March 22, 2013, 6:59 am

      This is very sweet, thank you.

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    Annie March 21, 2013, 9:23 am

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages, and the second one was about the same time as yours. It’s just awful, no matter how much kindness and support you have from those around you.

    Though I am totally aware that your mileage may vary, I did want to mention one concrete thing that has been helpful for me. My husband and I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist to get a work-up done to see what might be the problem. My OB is a very nice man, but I needed someone who knew more about possible fertility problems. The RE has been wonderful, both by reassuring us that we didn’t do anything wrong and by giving us a plan of what to do next. Also, his office is smaller and more quiet than my regular OB, with fewer pregnant women (he releases you back to your regular OB when he feels confident that you are ready, so most obviously pregnant women are back with their regular OBs). And the nurses are used to working with people that have experienced stress or loss. In my relatively small city, you can get a referral to an RE if you have been trying to get pregnant for a year unsuccessfully, so you could be eligible. Obviously, you may have already done this or decided not to do this, but I wanted to mention it just in case.

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      LW March 22, 2013, 7:04 am

      Thanks, We were all ready to go to the specialist when this happened. My doctor said that once we start trying again, to give it 3 months on our own then go back to the specialist. Our doctor went through the steps with my next pregnancy. My medical care was remarkably good. We were very very lucky in that respect. But it would be nice to not see a bunch of pregnant ladies in the office.

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    The Redhead March 21, 2013, 12:13 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. While I cant know exactly what you’re feeling, I have seen the terrible grief before with my mother.

    She had 7 miscarriages before having me, along with numerous surgeries to remove cysts on her ovaries that also took pieces of her ovaries with each removal. The Dr told her she would never have a baby, since she only had part of one ovary left. But here I am, her “miracle baby” as she says.

    Don’t give up, even if they say there’s no chance.

    Also, I’m a big advocate for homeopathic & naturopathic ways, & since my mother could always get pregnant easily but not sustain a pregnancy, I have researched about why this could happen (in preparation for when i try for children). They say many times with miscarriages before 3mos, there could be not enough or a dip in progesterone, & to use a progesterone cream for 2 weeks before your period, then continually through first 3 mos of pregnancy. Natural progesterone cream preferably.

    I’m not a Dr, but thats just my 2 cents. God bless you.

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      LW March 22, 2013, 7:07 am

      thanks for the story. Once I get pregnant, they will start doing bloodwork every 48 hours to watch the progesterone levels and will supplement if necessary. They said that there is no way to know what happened this time, we just can test for next time.

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    AmyP March 21, 2013, 12:25 pm

    There are some easy fixes (progesterone and baby aspirin) to prevent certain causes of miscarriage. The LW’s miscarriage might have been unavoidable, but the LW may be able to avoid further heartbreak. The usual protocol is to wait for three miscarriages before investigating medical causes, but that’s a lot of pain to go through.

    Definitely talk to a Reproductive Endocrinologist before proceeding further.

    One thing I have to mention is that getting pregnant again and even having a baby isn’t necessarily going to make you immediately stop feeling sad. I had a miscarriage 1.5 years ago (the baby died at 13.5 weeks), followed quickly by a successful pregnancy, and it took me a long time to feel more or less normal. I’m sure that getting pregnant again as quickly as possible and having a beautiful, happy five-month-old makes me happier than I would be without her, but all those pregnant and postpartum hormones made me very vulnerable to being sad.

    Best wishes!

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    Caris March 21, 2013, 12:30 pm

    You can’t control how a pregnancy goes or doesn’t go. Nobody can. It’s not your fault. It’s not your husbands fault.

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