It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today, we hear from “Wishing for a Baby” who was feeling frustrated about not having yet gotten pregnant despite trying very hard. She wrote:
“My husband bugs me about coffee and what I eat. He brings up what we could do in the “nursery” and when it is acceptable for boys to start playing football. We moved to a house with a great school district and own a big house that should have kids in it. But I don’t want to talk about kids we don’t have or their hypothetical post-college football careers until we are pregnant. So then my husband thinks that I am not as invested as he is. But it makes me want to cry to talk about it. We are well-educated, upwardly mobile, well-traveled, loving, organic-food-buying people. We are just so sad. What can we do?”
Keep reading to see how she and her husband are doing now.
First, thanks for answering my letter. We are having such an emotional time with all of this. Your answer was thoughtful and caring and gave us some real ideas to help us with this. Second, I know people kept bringing up stress. I cannot imagine that my first world problems are enough stress to make me not get pregnant compared to the women who get pregnant in refugee camps, in war zones, in terrible home lives. My life is pretty charmed and that seems silly. Third, I just want to answer some of the comments about my husband. First, my husband’s and my response are both due to wanting this so badly. For people who haven’t been through this, you pee on an ovulation stick every day. You try for four days then sit and wait for almost two weeks and find out if it worked. That is when your mind starts to get to you. While we have spoken about his behavior, he still asks things like “Do you feel any different?” We can’t help it. While it is my body, all of my husband’s hopes and dreams for the future lie within it. The waiting and following disappointment are killer.
For every commenter that had a story or a book or a prayer for me, I really appreciate this and I read every single comment.
We had our first doctor’s appointment and she said that things sound fishy. We are both getting fertility testing and she has some ideas of what is the matter based on my medical history. The great thing is that we have a plan. We have a process and a path to be on. We also took Wendy’s advice and are starting to really take advantage of our time together. We are using Groupons and going to new and different events like the Rodeo, painting classes, independent movies, and a few plays. We also planned a trip to London and Paris next month (my husband wanted to go to countries with strong hospitals “just in case” so he hasn’t given up all his worrying). That way, while we wait we can talk about tours and hotels and what we want to experience rather than if we are pregnant every minute.
I know that comments by other people about our pregnancy are rude but they do happen. My brother is getting married this week and the whole family will have questions. Any one-liners anyone can think of? Like, “We will get around to it.” Or, “STFU, Grandma”?
Thank you so much for this. Your letter helped me reframe my problem and let me realize that a good plan is the best way to not be bogged down with the day to day. I might have a long road ahead of me but I am now feeling empowered.
Thank you for the update! I’m so glad to hear you’re making more of an effort to enjoy your one-on-one time with husband while you still can. A trip to Paris and London sounds wonderful! As for how to handle nosy people who ask you when you’re going to get pregnant, I’m sure readers will have some wonderful suggestions. I think a simple, “We’re working on it and we’ll be sure to let you know as soon as we have some happy news” should do the trick.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
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