Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

dinoceros

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  • in reply to: In desperate guidance / advice. Please read #729400
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    dinoceros
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    Oh, geez. Uh, yeah, an adult telling a therapist they were abused doesn’t result in legal action. What you tell them is confidential. If you were currently a minor, it would be different. I have a couple of friends who see therapists for that reason. Nobody is hauling them into a court to go after the abuser.

    Not sure where you got that from. You definitely CAN go to therapy.

    in reply to: In desperate guidance / advice. Please read #729398
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    dinoceros
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    Do you live in a country where therapy isn’t confidential or where people file police reports on your behalf without your willingness? I don’t really know a place where that is true, but if so, please let us know.

    Anyway, don’t ask for permission. The fact that you’re feeling obligated to do so when it’s a supremely bad idea is sort of a reason that you need to find a way to see a therapist.

    in reply to: This Makes Me So Mad! #729296
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    dinoceros
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    The “don’t we have bigger things to worry about” would negate pretty much everything on this site. Why worry about your marriage when there is world hunger! Why worry about your family tension when there is war! I think it’s a copout argument used when someone wants to downplay another person’s concerns without acknowledging that other people are allowed to care about different things than we do.

    Also, we as women are capable of worrying about more than one thing at once.

    I mean, look, if you enjoyed getting coffee for people, that’s cool. If sexism didn’t affect you in any way, that’s also cool. But your life isn’t the blueprint for everyone else’s.

    I’m not trying to be super harsh here, but it bothers me when a person uses their personal opinion/experience as a way to shut someone else up. “You shouldn’t care about this because I don’t.”

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    dinoceros
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    It’s OK to be sad and miss him, but not being with him is the best thing for you.

    in reply to: Boss keeps calling me a liar?! HELP! #729274
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    dinoceros
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    I don’t know that I could even get in to see my doctor the same day, and I’m not paying extra for urgent care unless it’s serious. That said, my co-worker took 36 out of 22 days off, and when she finally got called out, she started being sick a lot more. We don’t have to show notes or anything (and our sick days aren’t recorded unless it becomes a lengthy absence), so I can kind of see why some places are more strict. There ARE people who abuse the freedom, and they make more work for those of us who don’t.

    in reply to: How to get out of the talking stage #729268
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    dinoceros
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    I guess you can try making an effort to hang out, but depending on how far away he is, I’m not sure if it’s worth it. It sounds like you are sort of expecting him to do the heavy lifting here, but both of you need to put in the effort. You can’t just blush and stop talking and expect him to carry the conversation.

    Also, being blonde has nothing to do with being dumb or oblivious. Making “dumb blonde” references is something you need to stop doing. One, it makes you sound silly, and two, it’s offensive to other blondes who don’t consider themselves dumb.

    in reply to: Boss keeps calling me a liar?! HELP! #729267
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    dinoceros
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    Confused about why you’re using two different names. Regardless, if your boss is being unfair, then find another job. You can’t stop her from being who she is, and it sounds like reasoning with her won’t work. Not a lot of other options.

    in reply to: Boss keeps calling me a liar?! HELP! #729260
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    dinoceros
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    It’d also be good to know how long you’ve worked there and how many times you’ve called out. There are terrible bosses, but there are also people who call out excessively. Without any context, it’s hard to know whether your boss calling you a liar two times is her being ridiculous or her being fed up over lots of time off. But yes, just give the documentation. Getting into an argument over it just makes it sound less truthful.

    in reply to: Need some guidance HELP! #729230
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    dinoceros
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    Healthy relationships don’t sound like yours. People in healthy relationships don’t have to convince themselves it’s a good relationship and come up with a rationale for staying in it. Your relationship isn’t good. There were red flags that you ignored. But you can still end it and look for a healthy relationship. The longer you spend in this, yes, the worse it will be.

    I don’t know how long y’all have been together the second time around, but my parents had been married for 12 years when they split up. Now they are both much happier. You don’t just commit the rest of your life to somebody because you spend a good chunk of time together. What a waste of a life that would be.

    in reply to: We are not kids anymore #729229
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    dinoceros
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    Many of the things that you want are reasonable things to want, but you aren’t owed certain reactions from your friends. If I found out that a close friend had told everyone but me about a personal situation in her life, I wouldn’t have reached out either. Because she clearly didn’t want me to know, so why would I bring up something that I wasn’t supposed to know? She can’t control the fact that the friends that you trust are not actually that trustworthy. (Though unless you told your friends that they can’t tell her, they probably assumed you were fine with friends knowing since you’ve told a bunch about it.

    Second, you have the right to exclude certain friends from your personal life, but they also have the right to decide that it’s not the kind of friendship they want to have. She was probably hurt because the message you are sending to her is that the other friends are closer and you don’t trust her. If that’s true, then that’s fine, but you have to accept the consequences of sending a friend that message. People don’t usually take it well to be told those things.

    So, yeah, you have the right to pick and choose who knows what about you, but you can’t force people who are excluded to be totally OK with it. And the truth is, the more people you tell about something, the more likely someone who was not told is to find out. It’s just how things are.

    in reply to: Roommate Go Away! #729209
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    dinoceros
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    Tell her to move out and give her the appropriate timeline. It’s not that strange that a couple would want to live in their home alone as a family once they have kids, so I’m not sure that it’s going to be as big a deal as you expect, unless she’s particularly irrational. And yes, she probably feels awkward and like she’s intruding, so before you just assume she’s ignoring you maliciously, consider how it would feel if you lived somewhere where you felt like you didn’t belong. Presumably, she spends her money on other things because you’ve given her no indication that she should be spending it on rent elsewhere. You can’t just wish people away, you’ve got to talk with them and let you know what you want them to do.

    in reply to: This Makes Me So Mad! #729131
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    dinoceros
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    BGM-your experience in your job doesn’t dictate what life is like for everyone else. I’ve been in entry-level roles too. I didn’t pick up coffee for people. If you worked at her company and knew the culture, then your anecdote would be very relevant here. I don’t know why it’s so unfathomable that there might be factors in this particular company/job that she knows more about than you do.

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