Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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  • in reply to: Engagement part or wedding? #729000
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I had an engagement party, but I did not have a bridal shower. To me they seem like the same thing, except the engagement party was co-ed, in the evening, and had no stupid games. My sister and one local bridesmaid came, but none of my out-of-town bridesmaids were expected to come (I dont even remember now if they were invited, but definitely didn’t expect them to fly in).

    My guess is that you have known about the wedding a lot longer, even if not formally RSVPed to it, and its definitely where you should go.

    avatar
    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Agree with all the others that you need to stop making his mom’s death about you.

    But in particular about this facebook post, a coworker was recently saying about how upset she was that one of her cousins broke the news of her mom passing on fb before she did. Her dad had already passed and she’s an only child so she felt like it was really her place to decide when and how to spread that news, and instead one of her cousins posted it and took that little bit of control away when she had already lost so much.

    I doubt he told the coworker “hey could you spread the news of my dead mom on facebook, thanks” and its far more likely that the coworker posted without permission after getting it from some other source and your boyfriend may actually be really hurt or mad about it getting out that way.

    In general, your post lacks empathy. This is not about you.

    in reply to: Is he too old to be my man?? #728778
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I agree that its not so much about the age difference as experience difference. That’s part of why the half-plus-seven range is a good rule– it naturally expands as you get older (i.e. at 40 it would be 27+, a 13 year gap but at 50 it would be 32+, an 18 year gap)

    When I graduated college my boyfriend at the time was 3 years younger. But by the time I’d been out of school for a year and I was 22 and he was 19, it felt like such a huge gap between us. Because I was an adult with an adult job and adult responsibilities and he was still living in dorms and writing term papers. Your early 20s are a huge time for growth and change, and if you still live at home with your parents you are not at all in the same life experience category as a man with two children!

    If he’s really the one, then he can wait a few years. Get your own apartment (or with roommates), grow up enough to introduce him to your freaking parents, and spend some time getting to know who you are before you become half of a unit.

    in reply to: Girl problems…. #728607
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Hah yeah you have to explain to us olds what “stuff here and there,” is!

    But I agree, she said she likes you, you like her, too. The next move is to set up a concrete date. As in “[Name] would you like to go to dinner with me on [date] at [time]?” Not just “let’s get dinner sometime” but a specified date and time. Also, if she says she’s busy at that time, don’t assume she’s turning you down.. she’s allowed to have plans. Ideally you’d be talking to her and could turn it into a conversation like “is there another night that works better for you?… oh good, I’m free then, too…. how about 7:30?” or whatever.

    But idk the kids these days probably do all this by texting so it might be harder to find that better time.

    in reply to: Problems with partners family #728606
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    +1 to “invite your family to come visit you.” Especially since you always have to split time between your family and partner’s family, you could suggest it to your family as “then you would have our undivided attention.”

    Don’t know what his mother’s glitch is, but if you and your partner do stay together long term then you need to accept that that’s how its going to be. You and your partner can (and should!) come up with boundaries to enforce and a united front in order to mitigate it, but you’ll probably never have a good relationship with your MIL. You will have to accept that if you stay in the relationship.

    So now is a good time to start practicing communicating with your partner on what the boundaries need to be and then practice enforcing them. Maybe the boundary is “we will stay with LW’s family and visit partner’s for X dinner and Y lunch only and then we will say our goodbyes no matter how much they beg” and maybe the boundary is “partner doesn’t go to family events unless LW is invited.” I can’t tell you what is reasonable for you and him.
    The key is that your partner needs to be onboard with the boundary, not badgered into it by you. If he isn’t comfortable then it’ll crumble when faced with resistance from his mom. Once you both are on the same page with what the boundary is, then you can practice what enforcing it when his mother protests. It’s not going to be easy, it will probably take years of practice… so might as well start now!

    in reply to: “We can’t compromise on where to live” #728593
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    It sounds to me like you are willing to live not near your family. You are the one who proposed living in the middle, after all and thought that was viable. So that tells me that you’re ok with not living right near your parents. So if that’s the case, what’s the difference between living in Virginia and living in Rhode Island?
    I mean yeah its not quite as cold in VA, but it does get cold and it does snow. And either way, Florida is a reasonable plane flight away but would be a pretty long drive (not sure which part you’re from… north or south makes a bit of a difference here).

    So say you agree to move to RI, then yeah, it’s cold in the winter but what if part of the compromise is you’ll spend the kids’ winter break in Florida with your family? Then you get a couple weeks of sunshine and family, and your kids have a reliable chance to get to know their cousins, and he gets to live near his family the rest of the time?

    in reply to: Holiday Tipping #728450
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Alright well at the recommendation of this board I went to the bank today to pick up nice shiny new $50 bills for the daycare teachers. Also picked up a bunch of small bills so I can make it rain with others who deserve a tip.

    I always wish ATMs would give out smaller bills, but then I think I would probably be *too* good a tipper (aka I’d go broke) if I could get $1s and $5s easier, so its probably safer for my bottom line that I have to actually go to a bank when its open to get that kind of cash.

    in reply to: “My Husband Says No to Sex Since I Got Pregnant” #728445
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    You say that, Fyodor, but I remember reading the April 2017 moms message board only a few weeks after my kid was born and there were already women talking about how they wanted to have sex but hadn’t been cleared by a Dr yet and did they really have to wait?

    How these women had time or energy (let alone the other, erm, complications) to have sex, I can’t imagine. Spoiler: some of them are already pregnant with #2.

    in reply to: “My Mother Refuses to Let Me Date Another Female” #728276
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I wonder if your mom is reacting less to your coming out and more to the way you are getting swept up in the idea of a grand romantic love story which may not last. Especially if you came out in conjunction with telling your mom you had a girlfriend, it may appear to her like you decided to be bisexual just to date this girl.

    Give her some time to adjust to the new information, and for your own sake cool it with casting you and your gf as star crossed lovers. High school relationships of any orientation making it post graduation are the exception, not the rule.

    in reply to: My Boyfriend wants a threesome #728190
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    Skyblossom, I actually cringed when I read “treats me like a princess.” Your red-flag-o-meter is spot on there!

    I have a friend who is polyamorous and has a wife, and they only took that leap after several sessions of couples counseling. I think if you want to embark on non-traditional sexcapades then good for you, but if you want to set yourselves up for success you need to know yourself and also have clear heads and good communication. Also I think there’s this idea that couples counseling is only for couples who are struggling, but that is false.

    Also I don’t think that threesomes really “just happen” outside of drunken college parties. What do you think you’re gonna do? Go to Vegas, get drunk at a club, and take a girl back to your hotel room?! There are just so many ways that can go wrong. If you want to have a threesome and do it in a way that is healthy for your relationship, I think you have to plan it. You have to approach it as three *sober* adults who are communicating clearly, being safe, and on the same page. Sorry if that doesn’t sound sexy to you.

    in reply to: Holiday Tipping #728100
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    I feel like I’m a pearl-clutching old fuddy duddy about this maybe because I feel weird about giving cash, and like a gift card has this veil of giftiness that cash doesn’t.

    Like the old ladies who are weird about people having honeymoon registries or asking for $$ for their weddings. Even though I always write a check for wedding presents. So idk.

    in reply to: Holiday Tipping #728092
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    SpaceySteph
    Participant

    becboo, do you give them a gift card or cash? We have a daycare kid now, too, and I was thinking gift card but now I’m not sure…

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 37 total)
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