Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“We Had a Great Date Seven Months Ago. Is He Waiting for Me?”

Dos and Don'ts of a New Relationship

I’m in my forties and separated from my husband nearly 12 months ago. The financial side of separation has not been sorted out, so for the time being I am stuck living with my extended family. I anticipate that when the finances are sorted out (which is no small step as it involves selling the marital home and getting child support from my ex), I will be able to get a modest place of my own and get on with my life.

In the early months of my separation, I went on an internet dating site. I limited my correspondence to four or five men and had a few dates with them. I really hit it off with one of the men. He is funny, cute, very sweet, stable, physically-fit, has good financial sense, and sounds like a good father to his kids. We have a lot in common, and he said I was easy to talk to. On our first date, after talking on the phone a few times, we sat grinning at each other across the table for so long that the waitress asked us if we were ready to order about five times before we could actually read the menu. We had a nice dinner, and stayed in the restaurant eating and drinking till they closed up. Then we walked down to a club and had a few more drinks; I stood close because I couldn’t hear him over the music and we kissed — it was magic. He dropped me off at home and we kissed like school kids — again, so tantalizing and delicious.

Then, silence for three days, and then a phone call. He said “I really like you. I REALLY like you. But I’ve been through a divorce and I know that you still have the hard times ahead to get through. I think you need another 12 months just to settle your divorce. I like you A LOT. But I think you are going to need the head-space, so I don’t think we should see each other until you’ve got it sorted out. I mean, we could still be friends but we can’t start a relationship until you are through this.”

I thanked him for his honesty and told him I’d reach out when my divorce was over. It’s now been seven months and the divorce is dragging on. I haven’t been on the dating site since my date with this man, and he has deleted his profile. I am getting a little obsessed that he may not wait for me. I guess I need reassurance that I dealt with this in the best possible way, so could you please ask your man panel if, after a date like that with a person like me, they might be still waiting? Or even wishing and hoping that I would be calling them soon?

(Don’t tell me to go out and get laid. I’ve got a fortnightly FWB arrangement with my karate instructor which is hassle-free, amazing sex.) — Stuck in a Limbo Divorce

I know you are desperate to know whether this dream man you went out with once has waited for you all these months, but no amount of man panels can answer that for you. And even if they could, it wouldn’t answer the real question you have, which is whether you will find happiness in love again. The answer to that is probably yes, though it may not be with your dream date. Honestly, it’s probably safe to say that it WON’T be with dream date. However wonderful your night out may have been, he was right: getting through a divorce takes an enormous amount of energy and it changes you in ways you can’t really predict. The woman you were on that date may not be the same woman you are now, and it may not be the same woman you’ll be once your divorce is finally behind you and you’ve gotten your own place and have moved on with your life.

You still have a lot to get through and you may find that what felt magical months ago on the heels of your separation while dipping your toes back into the dating world after years of being married, won’t feel so magical on the other side of divorce. I would caution you to try to be realistic and apply some of what you’ve surely — hopefully — learned about love and relationships to the way you pursue potential mates: everyone has flaws; no relationship is perfect; life isn’t a romantic comedy. A man isn’t going to meet a woman online, go on one great date, and then spend the next 12 months swearing off all others while waiting for her divorce to be finalized and her mental state to stabilize.

Your dream date probably hasn’t waited for you. But that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t welcome hearing from you, and it doesn’t mean he isn’t available to date or wouldn’t become available eventually. Maybe he’s dating someone else and maybe he isn’t. And maybe he thinks about your fondly and hopes when you are in a calmer, more stable place, you will reach out to him.

Are you in that place now? Or, are you just afraid you’re going to lose your chance with him? Either way, he did say you two could be friends and I don’t think it would hurt if you sent a short email telling him you were thinking of him, hoping he was well, and letting him know how you’re doing. Be honest with him — tell him that your divorce is still ongoing and you aren’t quite back on your feet but you’ve had many months to process the ending of your marriage and are excited about the next chapter.

Whether that piques his interest or if he’s even available to date you is impossible to say. But at the very least it will remind him of your presence and the great evening you shared together. And if he isn’t ready to date you now, because he’s unavailable or because he thinks you aren’t ready yet, then maybe this little reminder of your chemistry will be just the thing to stoke the flame for something in the future. But if it doesn’t, don’t give up. This was just your first foray back into the dating world. You may have had a wonderful date, but that doesn’t mean this is the only man out there for you. There are more where he came from and there’s no reason you can’t have plenty of fun looking for them.

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

178 comments… add one
  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow August 19, 2013, 9:16 am

    Good response as always, Wendy. I’m gagging and rolling my eyes too hard at “tantalizing and delicious” to say anything helpful.

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      Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 9:29 am

      WCMS. Tantalizing and delicious just makes me think of a breakfast burrito smothered in cheese, which is what I need after my Sunday Funday. Why does it always seem like Monday? Logic tells me it’s only Monday 1/7 of the week but I swear I think Mondays come more frequently for me, and they linger all f*cking day long, you know?

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 9:40 am

        Also, if a guy said that to me, I’d be pretty certain – or 110% certain, actually – that he’s not interested. I mean, do men (or women) who are interested in someone actually put the breaks on because they think the timing is not good? Seems far too rational. I’d think a smidgeon of romantic interest would trump that rational thought process, you know?

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 9:42 am

        I don’t know, they are older, and he’s been thru a divorce, so he thinks he knows what she’s about to go through. Because of that, I could see him being interested but saying this.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow August 19, 2013, 9:42 am

        Only GG is allowed to be 110% certain.

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 9:48 am

        She probably does have it trademarked by now.

        Fine, I’m 111% certain.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 9:52 am

        🙂

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        BreezyAM August 19, 2013, 10:59 am

        I did. I knew if MrAM and I got together when we first could have it would have been a hot mess. We were getting lightly friendly one night, like me sitting on his lap friendly, huggy friendly, and this conversation actually happened:

        Me: We should date when you get back from your semester abroad (that would have been 7 months from the date of this conversation btw)
        Him: Why do we have to wait until then?
        Me: Because your ex had the same name as me and I’m in a fucked up unrelationship with your best friend so that’s weird.
        Him: Yeah you’re probably right.

        We weren’t able to wait that long (we got together about 6 months later officially), and a couple torrid make out sessions happened in the meantime, but yeah.

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      lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 9:36 am

      The use of fortnightly overcame my nausea at tantalizing and delicious.

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 9:47 am

        Hahaha. I’d like to think Wendy sprinkled these in the letter to give us a good laugh [vomit] this morning.

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      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties August 19, 2013, 9:50 am

        if any of my friends ever said fortnightly when referring to their fuck friend, I would punch them square in the jugular, no wait, right in the stomach so they know how sick I feel.

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 9:58 am

        Confession: I had to Google fortnightly and it means something a little different than I thought. I shouldn’t be so honest and public with all that I do not know. Often I feel I must have missed critical days in kindergarten that set my idiocy in motion, you know? Also, what the fuck is an alcapa, and how come I don’t know my animals?

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      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties August 19, 2013, 10:04 am

        Do you mean Alpaca AP?

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 10:06 am

        oh yea that’s it; it’s some sort of made up animal, except everyone seems to have heard of them before

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      • mrmidtwenties

        mrmidtwenties August 19, 2013, 10:12 am

        I think they may be llama’s?

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 10:35 am

        They are smaller, furrier, cuter llamas. People use their wool to make scarfs and stuff.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 19, 2013, 10:38 am

        I posted a picture to your FB, AP. ALPACAAA

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        lemongrass August 19, 2013, 11:32 am

        There are alpaca farms where I live and it always gets me when I see one. What the hell are you doing in Canada, alpacas??? Isn’t it too cold for you?

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 9:59 am

        I only just heard that phrase two days ago. My best friend moved to Australia a year ago, she’s home visiting and has developed a very awkward NYer-Australian hybrid vocabulary complete with bizarre inflections. Everything sounds like a question, but her “aw” sounds are just as thick as ever. “It was a proper dawg park?” Translation: “It was an actual dog park.”

        It is SO WEIRD to hear her talk!

        But anyway, she can keep fortnightly in her vocab because I just love it. Why can’t we use it here?! I want to keep it!

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. August 19, 2013, 10:20 am

        It’s a very British word and I love it. I use it. I also use “proper” in the sense your Australian friend uses it.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 10:24 am

        I like “proper” too, actually. But she’s not Australian! She’s a born-and-bred NYer. Being an expat is doing weird things to her. Lol.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. August 19, 2013, 10:36 am

        Yeah, that happens. 🙂

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 11:18 am

        I use proper sort of like your friend, and I’m as American as they come. An example would be saying like “Is your new house in Raleigh proper?” rather than “Is your new house actually in the city limits of Raleigh?” Maybe I’m weird.

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        Christy August 19, 2013, 11:30 am

        I totally do the same thing, GG, but I think it’s a different usage. Mostly because this way, where it refers to the strict definition of a place, it’s put AFTER the place name, but the Brits/Commonwealthers (totes a word, yo) use it more generically and BEFORE the word they’re modifying.

        Also, GG, my gf totally knows that you’re the DW wedding person and etiquette person. Like, I mentioned something about chairs at weddings from DW and she was like “GatorGirl, right?” It was awesome.

        And that’s why she’s not allowed on DW, because she knows too much. And y’all know too much.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 11:48 am

        Yeah, that is a slightly different usage, you’re right. But it wouldn’t bother me that much if someone used it the way Tara is talking about.

        That’s too funny she knows that. Also it’s sort of scary to have that representation!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 11:40 am

        Exactly. And LOL “She knows too much…” My ex knew too much, but I knew he’d never lurk here to see what I was saying, just wasn’t part of his personality. I keep my DW obsession top secret from my current BF. I don’t want him to ever read anything I’ve confessed on here!

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        Christy August 19, 2013, 11:51 am

        See, gf sees me on here far too much to keep this hidden. I feel bad asking her not to come to a corner of the public internet, but she’s totally on board and understands that I use DW as a sounding board. She totally would lurk, too. LIke, she used to lurk on occasion, but she’s stopped.

        Thank goodness.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 12:12 pm

        Haha, I’m here too much to keep it hidden as well. Ross teases that he’s going to look around on here every once in a while. But, I’m pretty sure he never actually would.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 19, 2013, 12:15 pm

        Yeah, I told this story before, but my boyfriend spent all night once reading my comments on The Hairpin… something upset him (I’d written something there that I’ve never told him before) & he vowed never to lurk my online activities ever again. So, I’m still pretty secretive with DW, but he does know the name of the site now (I think)

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        Christy August 19, 2013, 2:09 pm

        Yeah I am so glad there’s no stalker mode here where you see all my comments together.

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      • theattack

        theattack August 19, 2013, 12:20 pm

        My husband knows that I read and comment on a relationship advice site, but I’ve never told him the name. If he’s ever typed in something that starts with a D into the browser on my computer then he’s seen it, and he’s definitely the type of person to spy on me online. Recently he knew something that indicated to me that maybe he read my thread about the kittens, but not necessarily. I would die if he read this though. It would be like he hid in the closet at a sleepover with my bff or something. P, if you’re reading this, STOP AND NEVER EVER DO IT AGAIN.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:00 pm

        An easy way to catch him would be a false confession. Maybe you want to tell us you murdered someone? Or you were once a man? Or you’ve been cheating with his brother? All 3?

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      • theattack

        theattack August 19, 2013, 1:02 pm

        hahaha, Excellent idea, LBH!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 12:09 pm

        He saw me reading it once, and raised his eyebrows at my choice of internet distraction bc there was some wild headline that made DW look very Maury meets Dear Abby. I was like “Uh remember how I was all bummed I missed the NYC meet up of that internet group I’ve been a part of for a few years? Well that’s what I was just reading…” More eyebrow raising. Lol. But he didn’t look long enough to catch the name, and he doesn’t know the extent of my DW life. Which, admittedly, has been merely lurking as of late because I’ve been crazy busy. Fingers crossed he never discovers my DW doings!

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 11:36 am

        I actually say it sometimes, and exactly the way you use it. I did it last night in fact! Was on the phone with my boyfriend and I asked if the hospital where he’s doing his OB/GYN rotation is in “DC proper”. (Sidenote: 3 weeks into this long distance relationship. I haaaate it. I miss him. Waaaw. How do people do this!?)

        But my friend now says “proper” every other sentence. She referred to my roommate as “proper bipolar” (a whole other story… and headache).

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      • KKZ

        KKZ August 19, 2013, 2:07 pm

        One of my favorite lines from the movie “Snatch” is “proper fucked” – used in reference to just how fucked the main characters would be if they didn’t get Mickey (Brad Pitt) to fight for them again. Not just fucked… proper fucked. Love it.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom August 19, 2013, 11:38 am

        The English use the word fortnight a lot so the LW may not be American.

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        Nadine August 19, 2013, 12:05 pm

        Is fortnightly not really used by americans? What do you use instead? Why the hate?! It is such a normal word! Enlighten me…..

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 19, 2013, 12:08 pm

        I guess it’s considered antiquated or flowery or something, but I personally like it.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 12:36 pm

        It means every two weeks right? So we say ever two weeks…

        It sounds snooty, IMO.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 12:40 pm

        Hm, I would just say every couple weeks. I don’t think there’s a particular reason we don’t use it, we just don’t – like we don’t use loo or bonnet or jumper.

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        Nadine August 19, 2013, 12:58 pm

        This site is like my american education.

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      Amanda August 19, 2013, 2:14 pm

      WCMS. I vomited in my mouth a little at that phrase. Yuck

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  • mrmidtwenties

    mrmidtwenties August 19, 2013, 9:27 am

    I personally think it would be pretty weird if he waited all this time for you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still single. I would wait until your divorce is finalized to do anything, since that’s what he asked you to do.

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  • theattack

    theattack August 19, 2013, 9:33 am

    What he said doesn’t mean that he’s waiting for you. It sounds more like “If you’re still single in a year, and I’m still single in a year, maybe we can give this a try.”

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      Nadine August 19, 2013, 9:36 am

      this.

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      sarita_f August 19, 2013, 10:00 am

      Yup.

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      j2 August 19, 2013, 10:24 am

      I tried to find six of the guys whose opinions I have sought before, but only managed four this time.

      All four agreed with you. Two used almost your exact words.

      I asked them why he would have deleted his profile, etc.

      – two shrugged and had no answer
      – third said he guessed his kids started taking too much of his time
      – fourth guessed that he had found a gal who demanded profile deletion as an intimacy pre-req

      If i were guessing, I’d go with guy #4.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 10:51 am

        I assumed #4 also, but I think he could have easily chosen to do it himself, rather than just because a woman “demanded” it.

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        BreezyAM August 19, 2013, 11:01 am

        IME guys (and gals actually) do this to get rid of someone as well. Very common actually.

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    MMcG August 19, 2013, 9:46 am

    Finalize your divorce first before attempting to start any relationships… and keep having fun with karate guy in the meantime!

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      Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 9:49 am

      Said Iwanna, never. Hahaha.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy August 19, 2013, 9:52 am

        Oh, snap.

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        MMcG August 19, 2013, 1:23 pm

        Are you trying to get me into a fight with IWANNA!?! And got Wendy to snap at me… oh it’s on AP !!!

        IWANNA is totally not a relevant example because she is progressing fairly quickly through the divorce and I totally support her new funtimes… this LW has children and custody arrangements to figure out and a house to sell and 7 months later is still seemingly in the same place. I would also be much more hesitant to start dating a newly separated woman who had children and wasn’t officially divorces yet. It’s about the kids AP 😉

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:25 pm

        Backpeddling, mmcg? 🙂 Don’t worry, I’d be scared to fight with her too.

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        MMcG August 19, 2013, 2:31 pm

        I like to call it a clarification 😉 And I’m not scared! There’s at least 1000 miles between us…

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 2:32 pm

        Oh please M, I see you shaking from all the way over here!

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 2:32 pm

        but iwanna’s pretty scrappy.

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        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 2:20 pm

        haha, you in T R O U B L E. MMcG, that was so R U D E. And now lookit, Iwanna has been curiously absent all day. Hmmmm…..

        ^ I’m kidding ^

        If anyone’s in the doghouse, it’s me!

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  • Lindsay

    Lindsay August 19, 2013, 9:51 am

    No, I don’t think he’s waiting for you. Healthy dating adults generally don’t wait for someone for an indefinite amount of time after only one date. Not to mention that if he hasn’t heard from you in months, then I’m sure he’s not holding his breath that you’re going to even remember him in all that time.

    I think you should be prepared to meet other people when you’re ready to date, but if you do want to possibly have a shot with him later, then I agree with Wendy that maybe you should just drop him an email. Because I think it would be kind of weird to show up after like a year of no talking and be like, “OK, let’s date now.”

    I have to say, though, that while I know it’s probably exciting for you to start a new life, you need to calm down a little and not turn this guy (or any guy) into the holy grail.

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  • Regina Chapman

    Regina Chapman August 19, 2013, 9:51 am

    It sounds like you’re idealizing this guy or, I don’t know, maybe pinning all your hope of finding love again on this one ‘magical’ date you had. Which is fine, I guess – I mean, it’s totally fine to dream, especially if it can help you get through the dark times.

    But if you’d actually get in touch with this man again, I’d be careful not to do it with that ‘I think you might be the one’ kind of vibe, you know? That would just be weird after one date and seven months. I’d follow the advice and, at the most, casually get in touch with him again. C’mon, this is the real world – he hasn’t spent the last seven months alone on the couch thinking about you. But he might definitely still be interested! So go in for sure – just go in with your eyes open.

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    GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 9:53 am

    “fortnightly FWB arrangement with my karate instructor” This made me chuckle.

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    SasLinna August 19, 2013, 10:00 am

    But Wendy, you didn’t ask your “man panel” like this LW requested? Haha. Jokes aside, I think this was a very nice, compassionate response. My immediate reaction is that it’s straight up nuts for her to believe this guy is still waiting for her after they kissed once, several months ago. I think this guy was trying to let her down easy, and now we can see the terrible results this can have…. Making someone obsess for months. But I also think this LW just has it hard right now, having to live with extended family instead of on her own etc., and she may just be using this guy as a fantasy to see her through this difficult time. LW, your life is going to get better, the divorce will be finalized, and you’ll definitely get a chance at romance again!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle August 19, 2013, 10:00 am

    WWS. We definitely can’t tell you what this particular guy may be thinking— it’s possible that he still thinks of you, & is “waiting”, but you’ll never know unless you reach out. There’s no harm in reaching out ~now~ with a message worded the way Wendy suggested, OR you could wait 5 more months as per your last conversation with the dude.

    Either way, try to be at peace (& let go of the “obsession”) by knowing that, yes, you dealt with this well. And yes, putting the brakes on whatever you had going with Magical Date Guy while you get your divorce sorted was (& still is) a good idea. And like Wendy said, maybe you two will meet up again one day…but if not, just think of him as practice & a peek into what may be in store for you later.

    P.s. enjoy your karate instructor sex, that sounds like a pretty good arrangement

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    Sophronisba August 19, 2013, 10:02 am

    Oy vey, your poor children! Exiled from their home, nuclear family destroyed, camping out with relatives for an unknown amount of time while their mother lives in fantasy-land dreaming of Someday Prince Charming when she’s not playing hide-the-salami with the karate instructor… You sound like the soul of selfishness, LW.

    Wendy, you are a far kinder person than I, I don’t know how you do it.

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      lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 10:09 am

      What? Is that how you describe divorce? Jesus.

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      Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 10:09 am

      Yea, I’m ok with making fun of LW’s cheesy adjectives but I wouldn’t go this far. “Mmm, cheese.

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay August 19, 2013, 10:14 am

      Wow. I’m not sure how being celibate is supposed to help kids feel better about their parents’ divorce. You know, even divorced moms are allowed to leave the house without their children once in a while.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 10:06 am

      Wow. So going on one nice date and finding comfort in a FWB situation to deal with the massive disruption a divorce causes in one’s life is selfish? Hoping for love again is selfish?

      I did not know being a mother meant not having a life. Thanks for the memo.

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      lemongrass August 19, 2013, 11:43 am

      I think what is much worse for kids than having an extended sleepover at Grandma’s while their Mom privately gets some enjoyable “time away” would be to have a stressed-out, unhappy mom and a messed-up view of what a marriage is supposed to look like. Might be a little hard to see that from up on your high horse though.

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      Lucy August 19, 2013, 3:30 pm

      Where does it say in the letter that the LW’s children are exiled from their home and camping out with relatives? It says she’s living with extended family – it says nothing about where her kids are staying.

      I mean, I’m sure you don’t want to let the facts get in the way of your self-righteous outrage, but since you’re taking the LW to task for living in fantasyland, you should probably steer clear of it yourself.

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  • avatar

    Guy Friday August 19, 2013, 10:08 am

    Finally! A LW who actually wants to hear from me and the rest of the “man panel” ! 🙂

    But seriously: as the LW said, kudos to the guy for being honest and understanding and sincere. And while I can’t say I have empirical data to support this claim, it certainly sounds as though he wouldn’t reject you if you wanted to pursue him once all of these major aspects of your divorce are straightened out. Truthfully, he probably deleted his profile for one of 3 reasons:

    1.) He’s dating someone
    2.) He recognized that online dating wasn’t finding him the kind of women in the kinds of right situations that he needs at the moment (though don’t interpret that to mean I think he’s looking for one-night stands.)
    3.) He realizes that you’re amazing to him and he wants to delete his profile and be patient in the hopes that you can continue your connection when everything’s sorted out.

    I know you want it to be 3, and I don’t think it’s impossible that such is the case. But it could just as easily be 1 or 2. So, really, all you can do is get this done with whenever it gets done and see if you still want to date him. But I don’t think it’s wrong to reconnect with him and get coffee or something. I think it’s entirely possible that he figured that you would call when you were ready, and he didn’t want to get in the way of whatever you needed to do. But, seriously, focus on YOU and your divorce for a bit; one thing at a time.

    (Also, I’m not judging you for the FWB thing, but I’ll say to you what I say to all of my female friends who do the FWB thing during a divorce: make sure you’re doing it because you want no strings attached sex, and not because you’re trying to fill a intimacy/connection hole from your divorce. It’s easy to confuse one for the other; you may not even realize that you’re doing it until it hits you suddenly.)

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    • mrmidtwenties

      mrmidtwenties August 19, 2013, 10:17 am

      hehe “trying to fill an intimacy hole”…wow this member of the “man panel” is really mature.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 19, 2013, 1:07 pm

        That’s the thing about a “man panel” – immaturity is a necessary part of the palette. When I first saw the phrase man panel, I thought it was referring to a bald spot. you know, like solar sex panel. Why? Immaturity.

        My father actually once said to me, “Son, you’re going to have to act like a grown-up to have a job and get by in life, but there’s no real purpose in life to being more than about 19 years old in your heart.” Words to live by.

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        MMcG August 19, 2013, 1:25 pm

        Man panel = male patterned baldness.
        LOVE IT!

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      • landygirl

        landygirl August 19, 2013, 2:50 pm

        Wendy used to have a feature called “His Turn” where a panel of men would respond to the LW’s questions, I think this is what she is referring to when she says man panel.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 10:39 am

      I highly doubt it’s #3. Most mature adults don’t commit to a fantasy like that. I still think it’s possible he liked her quite a lot, and may even be holding out hope that she’ll get in touch, but deleting his profile on account of their one nice date? Doubtful.

      Also, I generally find your comments insightful, but your last bit of advice I found to be incredibly patronizing. You tell that to all you female friends going through a divorce? I think anyone going through a serious breakup or divorce runs the risk of conflating physical intimacy with emotional intimacy because it’s a very confusing time. I also think there are plenty of people (and, gasp! women!) who have no problem separating the two when they’re emotionally vulnerable. I happen to be one of them. I got out of a nearly 7 1/2 year relationship one year ago and never once confused the two. While I cannot speak for the whole human race or even my half the species, I doubt I’m some sort of special-snowflake. And if some male friend of mine told me to make sure I was doing it because it’s so easy for women to confuse physical intimacy for emotional intimacy… well I’d tell him to mind his own damn business.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday August 19, 2013, 11:15 am

        I didn’t mean that in a condescending way, and I certainly didn’t mean that I did so unprompted to my friends. Oh, and I DEFINITELY don’t think that women are some frail gender that always do this; men are as guilty of this as women. Hell, I’M guilty of this in the past. But I also think — and especially based on your comments here — that you’re willing to play the cautious Devil’s Advocate to people you care about as much as I do. I suppose you could say it was unprompted here, but she also wrote a letter in to an advice column, and this wouldn’t be the first time someone has pointed out other aspects of a letter besides the question specifically asked.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. August 19, 2013, 10:35 am

    I’ve never been through a divorce, but I imagine it messes with your head a lot. This man has been through a divorce, so he knows what it can do to you. Maybe he inadvertently hurt someone during his divorce process and he is trying to avoid being on the receiving end of a similar hurt. Or maybe he has already been hurt by another woman going through a divorce and doesn’t want to go through it again. I think he does like you a lot, but he knows from his own experience that you need time to sort things out. I’m guessing, of course, but this is how I read it. He may be dating someone, there’s no reason why he shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean you can’t contact him when your divorce is final. Until then, enjoy your karate instructor. 🙂

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  • avatar

    Kelly August 19, 2013, 10:35 am

    If this were a chick flick, he would have asked to meet you at the top of the Empire State building in a year. Being real life, maybe he thought it was weird how you two sat across from the table grinning at each other. You thought it was a romantic connection, he thought you had nothing to say to each other. To me, it sounds like you got a very kind brush off.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle August 19, 2013, 10:41 am

      I kinda was thinking the same thing, as a possibility… “grinning like fools at each other” from her perspective may very well have been “smiling awkwardly at intervals because we have nothing to talk about” from his (although sure, he could have been super into her as well… Just saying, there is the chance she interpreted the whole encounter through a different lens)

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    • Lindsay

      Lindsay August 19, 2013, 10:42 am

      I did find the grinning a little odd. I’ve had times where my date and I couldn’t stop talking to each other long enough to look at the menu, but I’m not sure sitting in silence grinning would seem like a good date to me. Maybe I’m just imagining it weirdly?

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife August 19, 2013, 10:51 am

    Life is strange, who knows, maybe he’s single maybe he’s not….can I just bring up one thing? He seems a little arrogant to have met you once and presume to know what’s best for you. So there might be more to the story there. Why don’t you contact him and see what he is up to? I don’t think he’s specifically waiting for you, to answer your question directly, but he might not be involved right now.

    But honestly, you know what you need in terms of dating and moving on. Whether or not your divorce in final when you start dating is up to YOU, so don’t let some guy dictate to you when you are or aren’t ready to get involved. Just sayin’

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  • Diablo

    Diablo August 19, 2013, 11:02 am

    ‘As a heterosexual male, I find it is my duty, on occasions when I am incredibly attracted to the mad chemistry between me and some newly separated, clearly hot to go woman, to take a moral step back, and defer any further gratification for a year or so, because even though I’m SOOO interested, I just have that much respect for women in general, especially those I just met, who are banging their karate instructor anyway, so why would they need more sex from me at this sensitive time.’

    I hear men say stuff like this all the time. He is probably cowering in his apartment now, waiting for your call.

    LW, he was a pretty nice guy. He took you out. You had a nice time. He kissed you. Then he let you down easy. He saw you weren’t ready for anything real yet. He never thought for one second you’d still be jonesing about him a year later. Sorry, but you are too old and have seen too much of life to be thinking like this. If you’re ready, try again with someone else. If he wanted to see you, he’d’ve called you by now.

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    • avatar

      HmC August 19, 2013, 11:28 pm

      lol!

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 10:03 am

    Wait… wait. Why would we tell your to get laid as a solution to this issue?

    But uh, good for you with the karate instructor.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 10:05 am

      On Judging Amy – the Best. Series. Of. All. Times. – Judge Amy hooks up for a bit with her daughter’s karate instrutor, played by Tom Welling, who I thought was dreamy, but too young for Amy.

      That’s all, there was nothing more to that story. But it really was the best TV show of all times.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 19, 2013, 11:03 am

        I love Tom Welling. And he’s not too young for me! Also, he was born like two towns away from where I grew up, which obviously means we’re soul mates.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 19, 2013, 2:22 pm

        and you love Judging Amy, right? RIGHT??

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  • avatar

    BreezyAM August 19, 2013, 11:03 am

    Okay I’ll be the odd one out. I think you should reach out so you see he’s not been waiting, isn’t interested, and you can stop thinking about him. I’m not saying that meanly just I know when I get all lost in my head over someone, the best thing is actually to go reach out and then (usually) get shot down and/or meet them again and see “wait. Most of this was in my head and I just like, attached his face.”

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 11:44 am

    If you are still living with your parents — no wonder you cling so to this fantasy. But honestly? I simply don’t get why so many women who fail at marriage often (almost immediately!) find themselved in some mad rush to settle down FOREVER with the very first guy who even so mich as glances their way. Or smiles dumbly across the table at them… It’s not real. It’s not healthy. It’s not real healthy…

    Fix your lives, ladies. Stand on your own for a while. Then — and only then — should you SLOWLY start dating… You are a mother for Christ’s sake, not an eight grader.

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    • avatar

      Liquid Luck August 19, 2013, 2:07 pm

      Comments like this are why you’re often being accused of misogyny around here. While I don’t disagree with the content of this comment (or the comment of a lot of your posts), namely that it’s not healthy to rush into new relationships after divorce, the fact that you specifically accuse women (rather than all people) of being in a rush to marry again and address “ladies” and “mothers” rather than “people” or “parents” as needing to fix themselves. You aren’t addressing this specific woman so much as you’re addressing the issue at a large scale, so the use of gendered plurals is completely unwarranted.

      And since I’m sure you’ll respond with your usual argument of “well, everyone I know who complains about this is a woman, so it must be a woman thing that most men don’t do,” you should try doing a little research. It’s a well-known fact that men are more likely than women to remarry after divorce (in case you need evidence: , so your generalizations can only be chalked up to 1) purposeful ignorance, or 2) sexism. I don’t think either of those are very good reasons.

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      • avatar

        Lucy August 19, 2013, 3:43 pm

        Not to mention the total disregard for the actual facts presented:

        1. The LW doesn’t say she’s living with her parents. She says extended family.

        2. The LW provides no details about what precipitated the separation and divorce, so there’s no basis to accuse her of failing at marriage (except in the most technical, least meaningful sense of the term “fail”). Maybe her husband is a junkie; maybe he gambled away all their savings; maybe he’s “Client #8.” Maybe he threw her down a flight of stairs.

        As usual, his comment gives us far more insight into his own issues than into the LW’s.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 3:49 pm

        Extended family, parents… Not much of a difference. She’s fucking too broke to afford a place of her own. Who WANTS to date that? Oh, wait. Apparently every third LW on DearWendy… ;). Too bad she ‘s a chick and not a dude.

        PS. When a marriage fails… Its rarely the fault of one party. Male of female.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 3:45 pm

        Actually, its based on anecdotal evidence. I’ve known many women who hilariously rebound instantly into doomed relationships with “the (next) one” immediately after divorce. Men seem instead to want bang everything thst moves with a permanent relationship being the LAST thing on their mind.

        Hell, the letters and commentators here seen to back my hypothesis.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 3:47 pm

        I’ve only known the opposite to be true. Most men I know who were married, are quickly married again, much quicker than the women.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 3:54 pm

        Isn’t anecdotal evidence generally seen as not that reliable? And as people have said previously, most LWs here are women, so that’s going to skew it to some degree.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 4:06 pm

        Whatever. This place bores me lately. For fucks sake, I never even said ALL women. Or even MOST WOMEN… I said so many women. And I do think more women than men cling to the Very Next Person they date as some sort of savior. This is a fairly common theme at advice columns… And I challenge anybody to find me a male example….

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 4:08 pm

        Like I said, I know more men who rushed to the next marriage than women. My dad being one.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 4:15 pm

        And then there is your ever stable, choosing wisely sister…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 4:17 pm

        I’m not saying women don’t ever do it, I’m just saying from my experience and all the people I’ve known, men definitely jump to the next relationship quicker than women.

        ps They are surprisingly doing really well and everyone likes him. I know, not the update you wanted.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 4:18 pm

        haha, i actually just googled it.

        The 2006 US census backs me up. “Men remarry more often than woman”

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 4:20 pm

        Not to mention that men are known to be happier and healthier in marriage than women, why wouldn’t they remarry more often and sooner?

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      • avatar

        Liquid Luck August 19, 2013, 4:58 pm

        I love how even though I provided a reputable source and make it clear that I’m giving that information explicitly to combat his personal story , he still comes back with, “Actually, its based on anecdotal evidence.” Um, I know, which is why I stated in my first comment that your “evidence” has no basis in fact. And yet, he clings to it and implies that we’re the unintelligent ones. Oh well, I tried to use reason and logic, but I guess that’s not good enough either.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 9:18 pm

        They MAY marry quicker. But do they marry the first chick that looks at them lingeringly right out of the gate? And spend MONTHS obsessing over one freaking date…? I’d say — not so much. 😉

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      • katie

        katie August 19, 2013, 3:48 pm

        um, just wondering, but- are all these men getting gay married? because if men are more likely to get married again, and they are marrying women again… how can they have a higher statistic then women?

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      • avatar

        rachel August 19, 2013, 3:49 pm

        If it’s the man’s 2nd marriage but the woman’s first?

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      • katie

        katie August 19, 2013, 4:03 pm

        oh ok i guess that does make sense. i was very confused there for a second. lol

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 3:52 pm

        I agree. those stats seem fishy. Very few of my male friends who have survived divorced have ever gotten married again. Much less rushed into it.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 3:58 pm

        But its also possible my friends are smarter than most. 😉

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      • avatar

        Liquid Luck August 19, 2013, 4:59 pm

        Yup, that’s it.

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    • avatar

      BreezyAM August 19, 2013, 7:14 pm

      BGM ftr I agree with this totally and don’t see it as misogyny. Many women DO do this…. largely because we’re socialized to do so! (Um, and… because many were cheating and moving on already beforehand hee hee…..

      But we have to say we’re in loooooove in order to justify having a sex life, see.

      I actually wore my previous wedding ring for 2 years post divorce to remind myself NEVER to do THAT again 😉 (clearly I failed, but whatevs…)

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  • Lyra

    Lyra August 19, 2013, 11:55 am

    Like most everyone else, I really think you should wait until your divorce is finalized. That’s what he requested. A lot about relationships is being in the right place at the right time. When you went on this date you weren’t ready and it appears he wasn’t either. He might still be single, you can’t count on him waiting for you.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass August 19, 2013, 11:57 am

    I think he was trying to let you down easy. He likely didn’t want to deal with all the drama that comes with being in the middle of a divorce- and that is okay. It wouldn’t hurt to reach out to him and ask him what is going on in his life but if he doesn’t respond in an open way to dating you then you need to let him go.

    Also, I hope you guys tipped that waitress really well.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 12:39 pm

      For reals. People who lingered for HOURS and left a half assed tip always bugged me so much when I waited tables. Sometimes, depending on the place, if your section is closed down but you have a table lingering you have to stay until they left, even if it was like an hour and a half after all the other tables left. And since you don’t get paid by the hour really here in the US, you’re not making any money other than the tip. I’m so glad I’ve stopped waiting tables.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 12:58 pm

        I hate feeling rushed out of a restaurant. If you are there during open hours, you shouldn’t feel rushed so they can have a better turnover. I mean, if you see its only you there, sure, hurry it up.
        Also, I’m a good tipper, but I don’t see why you should have to tip more than normal just because you are sitting longer.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 1:01 pm

        I always tip more if I’m hanging out for a long time. You’re taking up a table that could be filled with someone else who will be tipping. Of course, you’re entitled to take as long as you like (although people who dawdled when it was CLEARLY past closing time always annoyed me as a server), but I would tip more, just like I would tip more if I ordered something extra complicated or needed 5 billion refills.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:05 pm

        That’s a good point I guess – that if you were quicker, they could’ve made tips off two tables.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 1:09 pm

        Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say. Eat at a comfortable pace/enjoy your time at the restaurant, but there becomes a point where the server could be loosing money so you can sit and nurse a glass of water. So either compensate or move on.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 1:39 pm

        I slightly reduced a tip the other day (as in, from my normal 20% to 15%) because I was rushed out. I was alone, and halfway through my meal, the waitress came over and asked if I needed a box or if I was still working. I had eaten exactly half of my burger at that point and maybe a third of my fries. At first, I said I was still eating, but then just took a box because I figured that I should save money by having leftovers. So, she brought the box and the check over immediately.

        I was also one of only three occupied tables, and I think I’d been eating for less than 15 minutes after my food arrived?

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 2:02 pm

        Offering a box too early or dropping the check before the food is done drives me BONKERS.

        Oh, yesterday at the deli, there was a bit of a line (but of course they weren’t using the numbers) so I patiently waited for my turn and when it finally came, spoke up when the guy said “who’s next”. He gruffly said “actually you’re not, she is” and pointed to some chick who strolled up like 5 minutes after me. It pissed me off to no end. Luckily she was nice and told him I was actually there first, but yeah I’m picky about my customer service people. (And I’ve worked in a lot of customer service settings.)

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 2:09 pm

        My rage comes out when someone tries to cut me in line. I don’t know why, but it makes me see red.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 1:07 pm

        Well, I agree a table shouldn’t be rushed out, but IMO there is a fine line. I don’t think you HAVE to tip more for sitting longer either, but I don’t think a lot of people understand how little most servers in the US are paid per hour and that the tip is the only way they truly are making money.

        GGuy has often experienced guests at the hotel bar he works at who come in 20 minutes before closing and ask when they close, then still get food/drink and hang around for 30 minutes or an hour after the official closing time. Sure, the place was open when they came in, but now 30 minutes after closing he’s standing around waiting for one couple to nurse their beer before he can start closing down, which takes about 40 minutes. So now he’s leaving over an hour after the place closes for like a $5 tip. Anyways, it’s a personal rant.

        I just hope people remember servers are people too who are often supporting themselves or a family with a VERY low hourly wage in most cases. Tipping should be based on the level of service, I absolutely agree, but IMO that’s more than just bringing the food to you and refilling drinks.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:16 pm

        Meh, I feel like almost everyone knows how little waiters make per hour and if they tip lousy, they just don’t care or got lousy service, rather than them thinking waiters make enough so they shouldn’t have to tip.

        Coming to any restaurant right before it closes is rude. I meant sitting for longer during normal hours, not keeping the restaurant open past hours.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 1:20 pm

        You would be surprised how many people have no idea that the average server is paid less than $4.00 an hour. I’ve talked to many, many people in PA, NC and down here in FL who assumed the tip was an extra and the server was getting an hourly paycheck. (Since the hourly wage usually only covers the taxes owed each week.) If you’d never worked in a restaurant you would have no idea about the wages.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:22 pm

        That’s pretty surprising. I knew long before I was a server how little they make hourly. I feel like its common knowledge.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 2:36 pm

        It probably is in your area, but I don’t think it is everywhere.

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        MMcG August 19, 2013, 2:38 pm

        Lbh… sadly not only is it NOT common knowledge but it varies by state what the wage is. some states bump it up higher to be closer to a living wage without tips, others not so much.

        I’ve had fights with friends, albeit in HS, about shitty tipping. I used to be a server so I start at 20% but I know others that start at 10% and deduct alcohol and taxes.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 2:40 pm

        I think my state is closer to minimum wage, which is to say that its closer to unlivable but legal wage. I hate shitty tipping, and start at 20 also, but if you really suck because you’re rude (not because you are new or something), I’ll tip accordingly.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 2:51 pm

        WTF, why would you deduct alcohol?? I can see deducting tax…that’s kinda logical, but booze?? Especially if you’re having a mixed drink (more complicated for the bartender, severs often have to tip out the bartender) or wine that the server opens/pours. Holy moly I would have pitched a fit at those friends.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 2:59 pm

        I guess it would make sense to, but I’ve never even thought to deduct tax. It’s so much easier to look at the number on the bottom and multiply.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 3:01 pm

        Yeah, I never deduct tax. But we also tip more than 20% most of the time, so we’re odd balls.

        We went out Sunday and got 4 beers adding up to $14. I tipped $4 and GGuy was all huffy because he thought we should have tipped more! (it was our joint money so he does get an opinion)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 3:04 pm

        What do you think about those wine pouring charges at BYOB restaurants?

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 3:08 pm

        I’ve never been to a BYOB restaurant, LBH, explain this charge?

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 3:11 pm

        LBH, I have no problem with them. If the restaurant is providing you with glassware and other wine accessories (opener, liability insurance for your consumption on site, decanter, chiller) and then the server is opening and pouring the wine and refilling your glass…why wouldn’t there be some compensation for that?

        My family’s restaurant is BYOB so perhaps I’m biased but they do have to have special insurance and there was a lot of cost associated with buying all the glassware and then maintaining it. When I worked there it was definitely an extra step to service to open, pour, refresh, clean up for wine.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 3:11 pm

        You pay them to open a bottle you bring.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 3:12 pm

        I wonder what would happen if they broke the bottle. I was worrying about that just the other night as it was an expensive one and the waitress looked not so helpful.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 3:17 pm

        Oh, interesting. I guess that makes sense to me. Afterall, it’s still gonna be way cheaper than buying a bottle at any other restaurant, and you’re getting something for your money.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 3:24 pm

        I’m not sure what would happen if a bottle was broken, I’ve never heard of it happening. I would assume the guest would be compensated in some way for the servers error.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 19, 2013, 3:56 pm

        Wait whattt, I’ve never heard of a wine pouring charge (& I go to BYOB restaurants very often, it’s our new way to save $$)

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 3:58 pm

        Fab, I’ve only been to two: one in Manhattan, the other more suburban and both had them.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM August 19, 2013, 7:16 pm

        I feel it’s very not common knowledge. They assume servers make minimum wage at least.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 1:24 pm

        I definitely think it’s rude, but I’ve been with people who thought it was OK to stay late (I was like, dude, we HAVE to go) because no one told them it was closing time. They assumed that because nobody told them, then it must be OK. That’s no excuse, but I have often wished that businesses would tell people that it’s time to close down. I’ve accidentally stayed late before (because I didn’t realize Sunday hours were different) and was SO embarrassed when they were like, oh, we closed 15 minutes ago.

        I know it sounds like I’m trying to make excuses for people, but sometimes I wonder if maybe not all of those people are being dicks?

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 1:24 pm

        And I realize that it’s the customer’s responsibility to know the hours of a restaurant, especially if they’re going out late.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:27 pm

        I think servers can and should nicely say the restaurant is closing soon. I wouldn’t be offended by that.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 1:40 pm

        The people in GGuy’s experience where specifically being dicks as they asked for the closing time and then stayed substantially later. It happens regularly where he works, I guess due to the cliental they cater towards.

        I would NEVER tell a customer we had closed. I think it’s incredibly rude on the servers behalf, and as a customer I would honestly dock the tip. There are other ways to signal the place is closing, IMO. Turn the lights up, clear the table down to water glasses only. Reset table or refill salt and peppers. Turn the music or tv off. Flat out saying “we’re closed” urks me. But that’s just me. (We’re super conscious of the timing of going to restaurants and stores, so it’s a big pet peeve of ours. I work in retail here and people VERY often stay after the store is closed, and it’s been announced we’re closed. Bugs the crap out of me.)

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:47 pm

        That’s funny, I’d much rather them just say Hey, we’re closed/closing than have them clear off the table and hope I guess that means they’re closing.

        I once was in a west elm that I thought closed at 9, but apparently it closed at 8. I was wondering around collecting things to buy, no one said anything and I go to check out and they’re like Oh we closed a half hour ago. wtf? How do you not see me still shopping and not let me know you’re closed?

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 1:56 pm

        I guess if it’s said in the right manner, it’s fine to let someone know the restaurant is closed. But I just don’t think most people can say that it’s closed with out it sounding rude.

        And technically when you leave a restaurant the only things that should be left on your table should be the glass you’re actively drinking out of, not left over food plates, silverware, etc. So I expect that too anyways.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 1:57 pm

        I think you can do it in a way that is like you’re doing a favor by telling them. Like, “We’re closing soon, so I might be in the back cleaning up – is there anything I can do for you right now?”

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 1:48 pm

        Interesting. I have no problem with someone saying, “Hey, just so you guys know, we’re going to be closing in 15,” and actually prefer it. I guess the hints work, but I’ve also been to a lot of small restaurants/bars where they start doing that stuff hours before closing because they didn’t have much to do, so I just prefer them being straightforward. I also have always worked super late hours, so I often found myself going to bars and restaurants later than the normal rush, so I guess that’s why I would be paranoid about not being told.

        I worked in retail also, and I HATED people who stayed after we closed. But we were also allowed to bug them about it, so it didn’t happen too often.

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        Liquid Luck August 19, 2013, 2:15 pm

        When I worked in retail, it was at a family owned store and the managers hated staying late as much as anyone else. We made announcements five minutes before closing and one again at closing to take your things to the register. We occasionally had people still wandering around after that, but for the most part people got their things and left. We also warned people coming in during that time that we were about to close. If we lost a customer or two because of it, nobody really cared because it kept the employees happy and that was a big deal to the owners.

        I wish more stores and restaurants gave people a heads up like that, because I would hate to be the customer who doesn’t realize I’ve overstayed my welcome, and I think there should be a lot more emphasis on employee satisfaction in retail/food service, because otherwise it give a lot of customers license to just act like assholes to employees, and I don’t think that’ really great for business either.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 1:41 pm

        You would think they would get the hint when they’re the only table in the restaurant and the servers are going about closing up other sections.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 1:53 pm

        I guess my experiences are at super tiny places where there aren’t multiple sections or where there might only be two or three tables filled at any time.

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        rachel August 19, 2013, 1:56 pm

        Yeah, I’m going off my own experience as a server, obviously 😉

        I would be happy for them to just tell me if they were about to close.

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        lemongrass August 19, 2013, 1:40 pm

        I’m not saying servers should rush you out of a restaurant or that you shouldn’t stay as long as you like but if you are sitting there for hours you are taking away the server’s ability to make an income while making them work longer for you. I think the server would deserve a bigger tip for longer/more service.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:49 pm

        Yea, I’m glad this got brought up. I’ll tip more now if I’m there longer than normal. The only time a restaurant closed while I was there, I just wasn’t paying attention, looked up and realized they were all standing there staring at us. I felt so bad, but seriously, why not just tell us you’ve closed? So weird. Anyway, now that I think about it, I did tip extra bc I felt like a dick.

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        lemongrass August 19, 2013, 1:56 pm

        A lot of managers/owners don’t allow their staff to announce closing. They want their customers to feel welcome and not feel rushed, which is legit but sucks for the staff. I worked in retail and we weren’t allowed to tell people that we closed and sometimes they would stay for a long time. Even if we would close one of the doors of the small store to signal closing. Once, I was closing the doors and some lady stuck her foot in the door and said “Wait! I just want to look around for a bit. I have time to kill!” WTF. Some people are assholes and I’m so glad I don’t work in customer service anymore.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 1:59 pm

        That is so dumb I can’t even understand it. If managers are going to ignore store hours, why have them at all? Maybe I should call a manager at 3 am and insist I really need to shop then since they aren’t allowed to say they are closed, haha.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 2:05 pm

        Yeah, every place I’ve worked from a pizza joint to an upscale family owned place to a chain Italian place we where not allowed to tell guests we where closed- unless they where trying to get a table after we where closed. If you where already in and seated, you got to stay as long as you liked.

        At American Eagle we where not allowed to tell people to get out when the store closed, but we are allowed to at Kohls.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 2:13 pm

        At Dollar Tree, we got on the intercom and counted down to closing. But I don’t think at my mall job, we ever had anyone stay late while I worked there. Luckily.

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 2:18 pm

        This sounds sort of rude, but I think the level of class a store has or how expensive the merchandise is plays into this a lot. Like the lower end places (Dollar Tree or say like Dominos) there is no issue saying “we’re closed” but at a more upscale place ( IDK like PF Changs (not even that nice but) or Nordstrom) it would be unthinkable to tell your customer you’re closed. It’s sort of the more you pay the nicer you expect to be treated.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 2:34 pm

        Tell that to the lady who spent $250 at Dollar Tree one day. 😉

        I also had to tell people that we had a $7 debit card limit, which didn’t go over well at all. Sometimes I’d waive it, if the person was super close to $7 or if they seemed not to have a lot of money, but once I had a dickish customer (well-dressed middle-aged man) who started yelling at me, so I wouldn’t let him skate by even though his total was like $6.75. That’s the benefit of working at a less classy store because you can piss off the jerkfaces with fewer repercussions.

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        lets_be_honest August 19, 2013, 2:36 pm

        So apparently those limits are illegal. I have a “friend” who always goes on a tear about that when someone tries to tell him there’s a minimum or that if you pay in cash, gas is 10 cents cheaper. He’s annoying.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 2:47 pm

        Yeah, when I learned that minimums were illegal, it really annoyed me! I know at least in New York, you can give a discount for paying in cash, but you can’t add a surcharge. But a lot of businesses are so confused by this and paranoid of getting in trouble that they just skip the discount thing altogether.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 2:49 pm

        Ugh, all I do is correct myself. I meant that I was annoyed that I’ve been putting up with minimums all this time without knowing that they shouldn’t have been doing it.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 19, 2013, 2:55 pm

        haha the liquor store by my house has a $20 limit for debit cards, I think?? That’s crazy, right?

        (But I never complain, I just get something else. It’s like, “ohh…you mean I need to buy ~another~ bottle of wine? damn…”)

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 2:06 pm

        That’s so silly. I feel like it’s basically saying that most customers prefer getting what they want to being respectful, polite human beings.

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      • Lindsay

        Lindsay August 19, 2013, 2:06 pm

        I mean, for the managers to have that rule.

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        Nadine August 19, 2013, 2:11 pm

        I will never understand why people aren’t allowed to say that they are closed. It just makes them frustrated and hate the customer, and the customer feel like a dick when they finally notice! It is totally possible to say ‘Just so you know, we will be starting to close up now. Let me know if I can help you with anything.’

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        GatorGirl August 19, 2013, 2:14 pm

        Some places you’re not allowed to tell them you’re closed.

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        Nadine August 19, 2013, 2:56 pm

        Oh thats what I mean. My hatred is for the rule, not the employees who have to do as they are told.

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  • gatecrashergirl

    gatecrashergirl August 19, 2013, 12:17 pm

    I hate to say it but this letter just reeks of desperation. If she reaches out to him I’d keep it super light and breezy… a bit more “you popped into my head” as opposed to “I’ve been obsessing over your for the past few months.” Just my two cents.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet August 19, 2013, 2:36 pm

    It wasn’t his place to tell you that you need time to deal with your divorce. That should have been your first clue that this guy is just not that into you. It’s fine if he simply didn’t want to get invested with someone going through a divorce, but it wasn’t his place to tell you that YOU weren’t ready. Everyone is different, every situation is different. The truth is that he didn’t want to deal with it. End of story.

    Seriously. I met my now-fiance shortly after going through a difficult time with my ex. Although it was not divorce (thankfully!), my ex had physically harmed me and had been harassing me over text message and email. My boyfriend made it clear that he would understand if I needed some time and space before getting serious with him, but he approached it from the angle of “what can I do to help your situation?” rather than “fix your situation and then get back to me.” He liked me enough that he’d rather risk getting involved with me and having it fail than risk losing that potential all together.

    If this guy is still interested, he will reach out to you. He let you down, so he should be the one to reach out. I say that you should just move on. I mean, send a message if you want, but I wouldn’t even want to get involved with this guy if I were you. When you really like someone, you don’t just let them go without any contact for 7 months.

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      vizslalvr August 19, 2013, 10:14 pm

      I don’t think it’s necessary “he’s just not into you.” I think it’s a bigger problem than that.

      It’s super gas-light-y of him to tell her how she should be feeling about her divorce. And the fact is, she was like, “Oh, yeah, super smart guy. I do need more time. I will take more time to process as you think is acceptable” just signals to him he is able to tell her how she feels. Unless, of course ,there is more to what happened on their first date (for example, she talked extensively about the divorce).

      I also agree that it could be a “just not that into you” thing. If he was REALLY interested, he would probably (though not necessarily) get in contact asking how she was doing with processing things, or similarly checking in. Especially if he was actually interested in a friendship.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 19, 2013, 10:39 pm

        Please! She can’t even pay her own bills. She’s presently depending on the kindness of extended family. What’s he supposed to say? “Wowee! You sure have your shit together! Lets get engaged right now?”

        No gaslighting here.

        Try honesty.

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  • katie

    katie August 19, 2013, 2:58 pm

    ok so i was on an airplane all day, so im late to this, but i just wanted to congratulate you on NSA sex with a karate guy. that sounds hot.

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  • avatar

    Boosker August 19, 2013, 2:44 pm

    Hilarious parenthetical. Just hilarious.

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  • Tracey

    Tracey August 19, 2013, 4:38 pm

    Sweet Jesus, all I could picture as I read this letter was the slap scene from “Airplane!”

    It’s completely wrong of me, I know, but for real. The line those actors kept repeating in that scene, however, applies perfectly here: “Get a hold of yourself.”

    If you’re enjoying the NSA sex every fortnight (sigh….), then enjoy it, but don’t make it into anything else. If you want to contact Mr. “Go Ahead and Free Yourself,” then do so, but don’t make it into a scene ripped from the pages of a (completely fictional) rom-com. Just call/text/e-mail and say, “Hey, I really enjoyed our time together a while back. My divorce is practically final, and if you are free, I’d love to go out on another date with you.” Then listen to what he says, not what you WANT him to say, and go from there.

    Mr. NSA doesn’t have to know about Mr. GAFY, and vice versa. The goal here is to date, not find the next Prince Charming.

    You’ll have plenty of fortnights for a happily ever after.

    Get a hold of yourself, take a deep breath, and enjoy your new life as a new divorcee.

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