Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Weekend Open Thread

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The next week will potentially set the political (and social and economic) course in the US (and likely beyond) for at least the next four years. I don’t think, in my lifetime, there has ever been an election with so much at stake. If you are in one of the many states with primaries in the next few days, please, please get out and vote. Make your voice heard.

38 comments… add one
  • avatar

    jlyfsh February 26, 2016, 4:04 pm

    SC has their democratic primary tomorrow. Things have been much quieter this week than before the republican primary. I received my new voter card yesterday and I’m ready to use it!

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  • veritek33

    veritek33 February 26, 2016, 4:49 pm

    So, since I work in politics and our primary is one of the last ones – I may bow out of this topic since I’m so heavily immersed in it at the moment anyway. (Sweet Jesus just please don’t vote for Trump)

    Since it’s an open thread can I talk about my family? I’m sort of at my wits end right now. Mom is suffering from extreme depression and dementia that she refuses to get help for even after a doctor got up in her face and said “you need to see a psychiatrist.” She is mad at the world and everyone in it. My aunts, uncles and cousins call me and tell that she’s raising hell at them and what’s going on? Like I can control her.

    Dad had a heart attack at the beginning of the month and when I called last night he was in tears because she’d spent an hour and a half yelling at him for ordering something on ebay or because he ate a sirloin steak for the first time since he left the hospital (both not great choices but not the end of the world) all while she was driving him home from the hospital where he’d just had a procedure done and was super stressed about.

    I don’t know how much more my dad and I can take. I don’t want to be in the middle of their marriage and money and health issues (but they both put me in the middle), but I’m about 90% positive her behavior and actions in the last year have caused his heart attack through stress, and a major return in my anxiety. I know it’s not a permanent solution, but the week he spent living with me this summer when he left her for doing basically the same thing after he had surgery – was some of the best quality time we’ve spent as a dad and daughter. He visibly was more relaxed at my home and I knew he was healing better.

    I know realistically I can’t have my dad move in with me. It will effectively end their relationship and my relationship with my mother. Which at this point isn’t really worth saving when she calls me disrespectful, ungrateful, rude, bitchy, bad daughter…etc. You get the point.

    The stress of all this the last year has affected me, my friendships, and my relationships with guys I’m dating. Something has to give. I don’t know that anyone can help, but I just needed to vent in an anonymous forum. I really hate hearing my dad cry. 🙁

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    • Moneypenny

      Moneypenny February 26, 2016, 5:21 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear all of this, Veritek. Can you enlist help from your extended family? It sounds like they really don’t know the whole story of what’s going on with her. You and your dad can’t do this alone- can he go stay with one of them for awhile?

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    • mandalee

      mandalee February 26, 2016, 7:04 pm

      I’m so sorry to hear this is happening. But even as a mostly lurker, sometimes commenter, it’s clear to see that you are very emotional person and you care for your parents very much. It’s clear that there’s something very serious going on with your mom and dad your is suffering. Having said that, you can’t solely bear the burden of their deteriorating relationship. Your dad is very much an individual and though I’m sure he doesn’t mean to, should be dealing with your mom on his own, instead of involving you as well. If he is unhappy in his marriage, he should leave, and that doesn’t mean you need to take him in. I know as your parent’s child you may feel the need to take on their burden, but really the issue of their relationship and how your mother treats your dad, should be between them. If anything, I think allowing your dad to move in with you would only invite more heartache and trouble into your immediate environment, and would only serve to make things worse.

      As for your relationship with your mom, if it has caused you nothing but strife recently, I think you need to go minimal to no contact with her. Just because some has a specific role in your life, doesn’t give them free reign to emotionally terrorize you. If stress regarding her and how she has treated you, your dad, and your family, is bleeding into other aspects of your life, it has gone too far and it’s time to draw a hard line.

      I say this as someone who has very strong, very untreated mental illness and dysfunction rampant in her family tree, disengaging and removing yourself from the situation entirely is sometimes the only way to get through times like this. I miss some of my family members very much because I’m sentimental and feel terrible cutting people out or stepping away, but I don’t miss the strife and heartache and abuse that came with staying engaged in it.

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    • avatar

      saneinca February 27, 2016, 3:31 am

      Veritek, what exactly do you want to save in your relationship with your mother ? It sounds like you and your dad are victims of bullying and cannot stand up for yourselves.
      And while normally I would advise anyone to stay out of other’s marriages, for heaven’s sake, please help your father for a while as he just had a stroke. Give him a break from your mom.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 27, 2016, 7:09 am

      Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Honestly, I think moving a couple states away would be really good for you.

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 February 27, 2016, 9:37 am

        I’ve been working very hard and enforcing boundaries lately. Especially with mom. I’ve blocked her phone number when she’s being abusive and I only talk to her about once a week on my terms. And I don’t told her a lot of things. And she sure as shit doesn’t like it. She still thinks I’m 12 years old and she can tell me what to do. And I’ve thought about moving but I honestly have no idea where i would would go. I love my job And my house, so I don’t know what I would do or where I would go but I have considered it.

        I appreciate the kind words.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy February 27, 2016, 11:46 am

        That’s a good start, by why talk even once a week? I mean, I have a great relationship with my mom and we talk about that often (and usually on FaceTime with the kids, with an email exchange or two in between). If I were trying to set boundaries, I’d probably decrease contact to once or twice a month, and maybe even limit contact to email or texting — something where you have time to process a message before responding and you can respond per your convenience.

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 February 27, 2016, 2:29 pm

        That’s a good point. I guess it’s just hard for me to get to that point because she wasn’t always this way and we used to be pretty close. I guess it’s just going to take a bit of getting used to.

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  • othy

    othy February 26, 2016, 5:09 pm

    I live in a state with closed primaries, and have been a registered democrat forever. However, I’m thinking about temporarily changing my affiliation to republican simply so I can vote against Trump. And then changing back lest someone think I’m actually a republican.

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  • mandalee

    mandalee February 26, 2016, 6:54 pm

    I live in Massachusetts and will definitely be voting in the democratic primary! As a future nurse practitioner and current nurse (just became an RN on Wednesday!), I am terrified at the state of health care and the general country if a very conservative, very scary Republican were to take office. A big part of healthcare legislation (that is never talked abou) is loan forgiveness that allows nurses, nurse practitioner, doctors, and I think even dentists work in high need, high poverty areas for partial loan repayment. It sounds like a very selfish thing to hold as important but I have seen a number of classmates who were sold on caring for those in poverty or in rural areas at the beginning end up “selling out” by graduation (by their own admission) because they are terrified of not being able to handle both their loan debt (six figures) and the small pay that is offered in these areas without loan payment being a lock because of the political climate. I’m committed right now to working in correctional health or rural health because the need is so great, but I worry about the sustainability of allowing my own family to eat if the program is wiped out.

    Also, I live is MA, probably one of the bluest states in the country (thank goodness) and people were freaking out on NPR this morning over the support for Trump here, which I get but in reality the % of Republicans in MA is so small and voter turnout is so small in primaries that I really don’t think it it’s that big of a deal, but also it is shell-shocking that in such a very blue, very educated state, his reign reaches here. Which really shouldn’t surprise me so much because my neighbor across the street loves Trump and he regularly tries to get my other neighbors in trouble with the police because they are Brazilian and in his mind terrible illegal immigrants, when they’ve really been here for 3 generations but even if they haven’t, it still shouldn’t be a thing.

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  • Lianne

    Lianne February 26, 2016, 7:52 pm

    I was watching the today show this morning and saw a few clips from the debate last night. All I could think watching was, “I honestly cannot fathom how the fuck one single person votes for Trump if it’s not a joke.” I mean. Really. What the actual fuck is wrong with people?

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl February 26, 2016, 8:16 pm

    What was that meme going around recently? Picking a presidential candidate is like picking an std? Yea. That’s pretty much how I feel about the whole thing.

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl February 26, 2016, 8:17 pm

    Also: idiocracy, anyone? This Trump character (and the people he’s bringing to the surface): plants want electrolytes!

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  • avatar

    Jimmyjamm February 26, 2016, 9:10 pm

    I am sorry about your situation, but did you ever think why drama follows you in life? It is an open question, more food for thought.

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    • veritek33

      veritek33 February 27, 2016, 9:39 am

      Assuming that’s directed at me? I really have no idea what you’re trying to imply. I don’t understand how me being “dramatic” in your words has anything to do with my parents. Or the situation at all. Maybe I’m pretty thin skinned, but that honestly hurt my feelings reading this morning.

      Not trying to be combative, trying to understand what you’re saying, but I have no fucking clue what point you’re trying to make.

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      • avatar

        MissDre February 27, 2016, 1:11 pm

        Also sticking up for veritek here. She’s always been a kind and supportive member of DW. Provide constructive suggestions if you want, but no need to imply blame.

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    • avatar

      absurdfiction February 27, 2016, 11:16 am

      Yeah, that is uncalled for. I know you like to bring an ‘opposing viewpoint’ on things, but on what planet does dealing with a parent’s dementia and untreated mental illness make one a drama queen? I don’t comment often but veritek is always kind to the other posters and it is SUPER not cool to blame her for a stressful situation that she has very little control over. If you have suggestions for how she can better handle it, that’s one thing, but don’t sh-t on her for feeling sad or overwhelmed.

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      • avatar

        Anonymousse February 27, 2016, 11:57 am

        Completely agree. Veritek is respectful, even when faced with harsh criticism of her personal life.
        I’m sorry you have to deal with so much crap, V. I have to say, I moved across the country (with no friends or community) from my dysfunctional family and I have never regretted it! You can build your own family with likeminded people who care and contribute to your life.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover February 27, 2016, 12:48 pm

      What is it with you and veritek? I don’t read that dating thread often, but it seems like every time I do, you’re on there making comments about what’s wrong with her. It’s like you have some kind of personal grudge. Do you know her in real life or something and you’re using this site to tear her down?

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  • avatar

    jimmyjam February 27, 2016, 1:31 pm

    We should be very afraid of Donal Trump, and his supporters even more so.

    You bring up a good point, what if I were a guy that she has dated and relayed personal details about on this site and blog. Would that make me a bad person?

    To clear up the issue, as you move on in life you need to remove the things that bring drama to your life, either slowly or cold turkey. That includes relatives, this situation calls for a bit more tact as the parents still co-habitate. You have control in any relationship situation, it is how much control you give others that effects you.

    It was food for thought nothing else.

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    • avatar

      RedRoverRedRover February 27, 2016, 1:51 pm

      Yeah, it would make you a bad person. Unless she’s giving his name and identifying details so that we can find out who he is in real life, she’s allowed to talk about her experiences. A person who would come on and target her and purposely make her feel bad because of that would be a bad person.

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      • avatar

        jimmyjam February 27, 2016, 2:09 pm

        @redrover I did not want to venture down this road but since you bring it to light. You mean like the state and small town he lives in and what subject he teaches at the high school in that town? And other identifying details so that we can’t miss what town it is, such as a very unique landmark in that town? I think that could lead someone to be able to google and find out exactly who it is she’s spilling personal and sexual details about. Sure.
        Enough of that. We need to stop that here.

        The big picture is more about eliminating the potential drama and stresses that occur when you let others have control.

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      • avatar

        Anonymousse February 27, 2016, 2:25 pm

        Dude, please stop piling on someone who is dealing with a lot of hard stuff right now.

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      • veritek33

        veritek33 February 27, 2016, 2:34 pm

        I’m sure you’re referring to my blog which has password protection on lots of posts, as well as completely private posts that only I can see to protect identities. I’ve learned a lot in my blogging journey and I certainly never intended for any of them to be identified. Honest. Perhaps i’m naive and when I started writing that blog I had like 4 readers. I very much doubt that you are someone I dated but maybe you are a friend to them. I have no idea.

        And to address you points. I’ve dated more than one teacher. They taught different subjects. There are multiple high schools in my town, including more than one private school. The fact that you’ve taken the time to figure all of that out says more about you than me.

        I’m flawed just like anyone else. I’m still learning everyday. I’m glad you think you have this all figured out for me.

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    • mrmidtwenties

      mrmidtwenties February 27, 2016, 2:17 pm

      While I generally agree with you that dramatic problems tend to coincide with dramatic people, I think you’re being incredibly unfair to vertiek with her family situation, this is not drama she has caused, but navigating a relationship with a family member who has developed a mental illness is extremely difficult and isn’t fair to qualify as “drama.” Also, she has actually given very little personal information about anyone she has dated on here and has kept most information as the experiences not actual information about the people so it would make you a bad person.
      @veritek, I really hope you find a way to have a more positive relationship with your parents, from my experience it is very difficult to redefine the parameters of a relationship with family members after a big change like your mother’s mental illness. I’m really pulling for you.

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    • avatar

      absurdfiction February 27, 2016, 5:15 pm

      Assuming you DON’T actually know veritek in real life, it is honestly creepy that you would hint that you’ve figured out her identity, or boyfriends’ identities, or whatever. I’m sure anyone with a few minutes and the inclination could figure out who I am – but if somebody went to the trouble to do that, and then followed me around on the forums to make aggressive or disparaging comments, I’d frankly consider it harassment. We actually did have someone’s boyfriend come on here and flip out once about her posts about their relationship, and it was scary. And no, she was not broadcasting easily identifiable information either. He was just a controlling, angry jerk. If you have a problem with veritek’s comments, don’t read them. She has done nothing wrong.

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  • avatar

    jimmyjam February 27, 2016, 2:29 pm

    I did not say she caused the drama, she still allows it in.

    This is not about Veritek anymore, this is about redrover jumping in with misinformation since she is not up to date.( she admits she does not read the thread)

    mrcanada you are wrong as well as information has been shared on occupation, hometown and even model of vehicle driven. It is all in the thread, go read it before you come on spewing your maple syrup.

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    • avatar

      MissDre February 27, 2016, 2:52 pm

      Ok, that’s just outright offensive. If you’ve got person beef with veritek, fine. You have the right to voice an opinion, respectfully. But WTF does mrmidtwenties being Canadian have to do with anything? Your comment towards him is a personal, degrading attack. Where is our moderator? This guy needs to STFU.

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  • avatar

    jimmyjam February 27, 2016, 2:49 pm

    Blog ?? Wait!! There is a blog !!?? Holy …..

    All information is in the dating thread.

    I read, remember and check facts. It can be done.

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    • veritek33

      veritek33 February 27, 2016, 2:54 pm

      you said blog in your original post about this topic. I do read. Perhaps you meant Wendy’s site is a blog?
      And yes, I’m open about where I live. But don’t you think it’s a little bit possible that when talking about people I’m dating I might fudge the identifying details a little bit so they stay anonymous. You know, like a ford can actually be a chevy. A city might be named but it might actually be the neighboring town that they live or work in?

      Food for thought. Thanks for the advice.

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  • avatar

    Moderator February 27, 2016, 3:06 pm

    Dre, I only moderate the forums, I don’t have the responsibility over here on the column comments.

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  • avatar

    jimmyjam February 27, 2016, 3:10 pm

    Fact, he is Canadian.

    Fact, they do have maple syrup there.

    Were you offended by the word ” spewing” MissDre? Oh my…and you just swore at me. HA , talk about personal attack.

    Talk about piling on, it is me defending my opinions and views against how many of you now…let me cry for moderation

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  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy February 27, 2016, 3:19 pm

    Ok, that’s enough with the personal digs, guys. Let’s rein it in.

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  • avatar

    Jimmyjam February 27, 2016, 8:49 pm

    No offense taken, all is good. Nothing a few martinis cant cure.

    Get out and vote, I suggest using your primary vote to go against Trump.

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  • Classic

    Classic February 28, 2016, 3:17 pm

    All my fellow ISTJs and other logical people– please do your due diligence, research, and go get Hillary Clinton on the ballot for the Democrats. I am not a Democrat– an independent voter with no party affiliation– but Clinton looks like probably the most experienced and definitely the most thoroughly-vetted potential presidential candidate ever in history. Do not let the fact that she happens to be a woman affect your decision.

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    • avatar

      saneinca February 28, 2016, 6:10 pm

      +1. Who the hell is Bernie and why should I vote for him? Hillary all the way.

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  • avatar

    sarita February 29, 2016, 12:01 pm

    Go, Bernie! I was so excited to open up this site and see Wendy feeling the Bern.

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