Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Weekend Open Thread: Friends with Benefits Horror Stories

The sure-to-be-Oscar-worthy movie, “Friends With Benefits” opens this month and while the newest Justin Timberlake vehicle promises to be high (romantic) comedy, I’m betting a lot of you have experienced FWB situations that weren’t all that funny (or romantic). So, this weekend open thread is dedicated to those old relationships. Have you ever had a FWB scenario blow up in your face? Did the detriments far outweigh any “benefits”? We want to hear about it in all its disastrous details. Come on, exorcise your demons while entertaining us more that than dumb movie probably will.

102 comments… add one
  • avatar

    zombeyonce July 8, 2011, 5:31 pm

    In college, I was friends with benefits with the editor of the newspaper I worked at on campus. We had the same group of friends and were secretly hooking up, and I (stupidly) was falling for him. We kept calling things off between us but just kept finding ourselves in bed together again. Being a naive 20-year-old, I thought this meant that he must really like me, too, not that he just liked sleeping with me.

    Apparently, he liked sleeping with other girls, too, because we went out drinking with our friends one night and ran into a girl that lived in my small building. So small, in fact, that our studio apartment windows faced each other across the narrow courtyard, literally only 10 feet away from each other. We could see directly into each other’s apartments and hear a lot. He was so enthralled with her that I got upset and began to slowly (a bit drunkenly, I’ll admit) walk home.

    They must have left in his car right after me, because I got home (alone) just in time to hear her moaning his name across the way. No amount of window-closing and stereo-blasting could drown it out. I got to hear this on and off all night for several nights in a row, until I arrived home one day to hear HER BOYFRIEND screaming at her for hours about her cheating on him. This happened on and off for days, too.

    Moral of the story: If you’re going to drink enough to get rejected by your FWB, drink enough to pass out soundly so you don’t hear him banging your neighbor.

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  • avatar

    JLF July 8, 2011, 6:03 pm

    My FWB and I met in 10th grade and started hooking up the summer after my senior year. He was more of a boyfriend but he refused to go by the title. Everytime I would get serious with someone else he would want to make it official with me and if he ever got a girlfriend he cut me completely out of his life. (Exp. we made plans to go to a concert together before he got a gf so the week of the show when I called to make plans he ignored my phone calls, so I called him from someone elses phone and he answered and upon realizing it was me he pretended to be someone else, a local radio DJ!) Eventually we stopped speaking, but just as I got a new FWB he came back and wanted to date seriously. I wasn’t sure so I started seeing him AND the new FWB and determined that I didn’t think I could ever really trust him. (plus i prefered the new guy) I ended up marrying the new FWB a few years later. I miss being real friends with the old one though. I wish we had never added the “benefits” to our relationship.

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    • avatar

      pho_sho July 9, 2011, 11:33 pm

      I’m confused by why people are thumbs-downing a post about somebody’s experience. Is it because things were so back-and-forth? Is it because she dated two guys at once?

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      • avatar

        JLF July 10, 2011, 10:23 am

        yeah I don’t really get it either? Its not too terribly juicy or anything maybe thats why… oh well.

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      • avatar

        tedster July 10, 2011, 6:50 pm

        because nobody likes a dumb bimbo

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      • avatar

        Lydia July 11, 2011, 3:57 am

        Nobody likes a judgemental, sexist ass either.

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      • avatar

        ChurchSox July 11, 2011, 9:54 am

        “Nobody likes a judgemental, sexist ass either.”

        Actually, I was going to tell a story about an FWB who was a judgemental, sexist ass. I liked her a lot.

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      • avatar

        tim maguire July 10, 2011, 9:55 pm

        Because what she’s describing are not FWB situations at all?

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      • avatar

        lk July 11, 2011, 11:56 am

        HAHAHAHA

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      • avatar

        Jena July 11, 2011, 1:08 pm

        right? “I married the other FWB” he is not your fwb if he is your husband, durrrr

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      • avatar

        JLF July 11, 2011, 9:02 pm

        he started off as a friend with benefits and then became my boyfriend and then became my husband… i fail to believe that i am the only person who ever developed a real relationship that started as FWB.

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  • avatar

    Joanna July 8, 2011, 6:47 pm

    For a long time (ages 19-23) I thought I was undeserving of a boyfriend so I would settle for FWB instead, all the while wondering why guys didn’t respect me. It wasn’t till someone said to me that guys don’t really respect the girls they sleep with left and right, it’s that the girls they ask out that they have respect for. I was not going to gain respect by sleeping around with FWB. I always tried to turn FWB into relationships which was the wrong road to take. So I sat back, stopped engaging in casual sex, and the right guy came along, asked me out, and didn’t even want into my pants immediately.

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    • sobriquet

      sobriquet July 8, 2011, 7:12 pm

      This actually happened to me in high school. I was a “technical” virgin, but I would experiment with one of my guy friends. Unfortunately, this made me lose a chance with a guy I actually had solid feelings for. He told my bff that he totally lost interest in me because he knew I was messing around with another guy! It makes sense, but I was devastated. Lesson learned.

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      • avatar

        Sarah July 8, 2011, 9:09 pm

        Ack, it doesn’t make sense. That dude had madonna-whore complex and TRUST, you did not want any part of that.

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      • sobriquet

        sobriquet July 8, 2011, 9:43 pm

        It makes sense because we were ALL friends and would always hang out together. It was something like, “Sure, I like Sobriquet… but I know that she’s going to make out with X tonight, so why bother?” and so he moved on. It TOTALLY makes sense. If I were in his shoes and he was fooling around with a friend of ours, I know I would move on, too. Especially since we were 15 and not 25.

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      • sobriquet

        sobriquet July 8, 2011, 9:45 pm

        I’ll also add that we’re still good friends 10 years later and he definitely does not have a “madonna-whore complex” haha

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      • avatar

        Jena July 11, 2011, 1:09 pm

        It doesnt make sense that someone wouldn’t be interested in her knowing she was hooking up with someone else? That makes perfect sense, he didnt want to be her second choice/sloppy seconds.

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    • leilani

      leilani July 8, 2011, 9:51 pm

      I don’t think its necessarily always that a guy loses respect for your because he sleeps with you. I think its more like, most guys you meet aren’t going to like you enough to actually date you, even if they’ll have sex with you. So if you hook up with these guys when they haven’t shown any real effort, there’s kind of a low chance that they’ll suddenly start liking you just cause you banged. The effort isn’t going to magically appear. So if you want to have sex to have sex, go for it, but it probably isn’t smart to have casual sex with someone with the intent of turning it into love, closeness, respect, or a relationship. Cause usually it’ll just stay sex.

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      • avatar

        thefabulousmzm July 9, 2011, 1:33 am

        Well put!

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    • avatar

      robottapocalypse July 9, 2011, 1:49 am

      Oh, he probably wanted to get into your pants immediately, he just valued you enough to take his time and do it right.

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    • avatar

      Alletron July 10, 2011, 11:35 pm

      Oh hey, you know what else isn’t cool? SLUT-SHAMING.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet July 8, 2011, 7:07 pm

    All have been ex’s, within a few months of the break up. I’d never be FWB with someone I didn’t trust emotionally and physically. It always surprisingly helped the “getting over you” process. In fact, I think it actually ended up hurting them instead of me (albeit on a superficial level).

    FWB #1: An ex-boyfriend who devastatingly broke up with me 5 years ago. I mean, I cried for weeks. We kept our distance for a month or two after the breakup, but then began talking again. He would ask me to help him pick out a suit. In return, I would ask him to help fix something in my apartment. If we ever went out to lunch or dinner, he would pick up the tab. He was actually the one who initiated the “FWB” situation, although we didn’t really discuss it. One afternoon he was lingering around my apartment, trying to find things to fix. “Oh, you’re computer needs a defrag! Let me show you how to do it.” I figured he wanted to have sex, and, well, so did I. So we did. And it was fun. We began hanging out more as friends which was GREAT because it helped me reconnect with all the friends I made during our relationship. If we went to the same party, chances are we would sleep together that night. Neither of us EVER booty-called, though. It was all fun and extremely natural. The BEST part is that I got to end it by telling him I started dating someone new. He was sooooo jealous. He even called the new guy “Portland boy” because that’s where he was from. It was awesome.

    FWB #2: I dumped a guy because after 6 months of monogamous dating, he didn’t want to call me his girlfriend. There were other reasons, but that was the last straw. He didn’t seem to care when I called it off. In fact, I’m pretty sure his response to my dumping him was a very nonchalant: “I think that’s for the best.” A few weeks after the break up, he told me he “missed hanging out” with me and so I suggested that we hang out as friends. He told me he was too sexually attracted to me to just be friends. I told him I wasn’t dating anyone new, so we could still have sex occasionally. He was down.

    We only slept together once, however, because I met my boyfriend shortly after our arrangement. We continued to hang out, but didn’t sleep together. Every time we were together, he would bring up my boyfriend. He called him “drummer boy.” After a couple months of random friendly tennis sessions and lunches, he emailed to tell me he was too attracted to me to just be friends and that he was jealous of the new guy I was with. Aside from a few text messages over the past 2 years, we haven’t spoken since.

    I think these worked out so well for me because I had zero expectations. I felt I had a little control for the first time in months. Also, you know you’ve made a guy jealous when he gives the guy you’re dating a nickname. Fun.

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    • sobriquet

      sobriquet July 9, 2011, 10:11 pm

      Ha, wow, SO many of you disagree with me! I’m curious as to why. Although… there seems to be a lot of “disagreement” on this particular thread.

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      • avatar

        Rachel July 10, 2011, 8:36 am

        If I had to guess I’d say it’s probably because of how nonchalant you seem about the fact that both situations hurt the guys involved.

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      • sobriquet

        sobriquet July 10, 2011, 3:41 pm

        Oh, come ON. Sorry if I came off as heartless, but it’s not like they were crying for weeks after a horrible and sudden breakup (like I did after guy #1 broke up with me) or leading me on for months while looking for someone better (like guy #2 did). I didn’t have some master plan to hurt either of them. That’s just how it happened.

        And by “hurt” I mean they were jealous for 5 seconds when they realized I was into someone else. I found it ironic. Usually the women end up hurt in these situations (at least, Dear Wendy readers).

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      • avatar

        Rachel July 10, 2011, 10:09 pm

        I’m not judging – I didn’t hit the purple thumb either. I just figure that was people’s problem.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2011, 10:50 am

        I didn’t purple thumb you, but I don’t think those are FWB’s. Those are just your ex’s that you were still having sex with. I think a FWB is really more of somebody you were friends with, but never really had any romantic connection with. These are all somebody you had romantic connections with, and then had sex with them knowing that one or both of you still might have feelings. In this case they both had feelings, but you didn’t.

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    • avatar

      pho_sho July 9, 2011, 11:43 pm

      Oh man, it’s such a good feeling when somebody like FWB #2 gets what he deserves. He reminds me of this guy I know who didn’t hesitate to jerk me around for several months, but the minute I realized I didn’t have feelings for him, he wanted what he couldn’t have. He even built things up to the point that he acted like he was practically in love with me and that I was the one who devastated him, even though I was clear about that fact that I didn’t have feelings for him, that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him, and I was careful with my actions because I didn’t want to encourage him. Good for you for realizing you wanted more from him, and when he couldn’t give it to you, you walked away. People can pretend they don’t feel this way, but it feels really validating when somebody who hurt you or treated you badly come crawling back just because you’ve moved on.

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    • avatar

      Jena July 11, 2011, 1:11 pm

      how vindictive does one need to be to take pleasure in an ex’s jealousy? yeesh.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie July 8, 2011, 7:42 pm

    Speaking with the voice of an old GF when we were in our 30s.
    [break]

    We’d been FWB for 3 years and went to a party for my office gang. He started talking to one of the single women there and they seemed quite interested in each other. I didn’t mind this, we weren’t exclusive but spent a lot of time together. About a week later I invited him to dinner at my place. I put a lot of effort into that dinner and was hoping to get some sort of commitment out of him. We’d talked about getting married but not to each other. Most of those conversations were dominated by his declaration of wanting to get hitched and I didn’t want to put pressure on him so I never said much beyond “me to”. I was coming up on the 35 thing and wanted a kid. He’d gotten clipped after his first marriage fell apart so I had mixed feelings about him as husband material.

    As we sat down to eat he asked me if I cared if he dated the girl he’d meet at the party. I told that I had some reservations about it but gave him permission but not my blessing. Inside my head the green monster was flaming. After a few mouthfuls of my great meal he said “I can envision marring this girl and we’re obviously not going anywhere”. I hung my head and cried. He came around the table and tried to console me but the feelings were spilling out like water from the Hover Dam. How could he not understand with the beautiful meal and low lighting on the table. Hurt doesn’t adequately describe how I felt. Crushed and betrayed come close.

    We didn’t get together again and conversations were brief and impersonal. A few years later I got married and have been happy ever since. He eventually got married but never even dated that girl. I don’t hate him but I don’t want him in my life at all.
    [break]

    OK, now my take: Mary Ann was an attractive, stable, and kind person that I liked but didn’t have very much desire for sex. This kept me from feeling attached and left me to get what I needed elsewhere. I deeply regret hurting her but the end had to happen sooner or later. I just wish it had been with more consideration. I’m sorry Mary Ann, you deserved better.

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  • leilani

    leilani July 8, 2011, 10:00 pm

    I had one FWB situation that worked absolutely perfectly, and that was because I simply didn’t like him. He was really fun to be around, very attentive and complimentary, and really cute and good in bed. At the same time, I knew he had cheated on his ex-gf loads and was generally a player, so I never thought of him as boyfriend material. I really enjoyed hanging out with him and hooking up with him because that was truly all I wanted.
    All my other FWB-type situations went a lot worse, because one of us always liked the other. My first long-term relationship actually arose from a FWB situation. We were kind of friends and started having sex, and we would booty-call each other all the time. I really fell for him, but he wasn’t interested in having a girlfriend. He would tell me that he hooked up with someone else and I would cry and we would fight and he would tell me he liked me and then take it back. Somehow, eventually this turned into a relationship. I don’t know how or why, except that I was very young and naive and didn’t realize that I shouldn’t put up with shit like that. I don’t regret it, because we ended up having a really good relationship down the line, but I do think it permanently skewed our dynamic to have that kind of start.

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  • katie

    katie July 8, 2011, 11:26 pm

    my experience with FWB’s was all fun. I dont sleep with people i dont know, trust, and love, so mine were only making out and gettin a little touchy feely with each other. there were three guys who I was doing this with, and i just had so much fun. i would literally text one guy while i was with another one, and go from one guy’s dorm to the other.. stuff like that. lol it was fun times. one of them is actually a good friend of my now boyfriend, which is kind of awkward. he makes fun of me sometimes for it, but i had fun so i dont care. one ended up being a total d bag. and then one i never talked to again.

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    • katie

      katie July 10, 2011, 9:18 pm

      hmmm… its looking like all the thumbs down are on stories where the women were in control and didnt end up hurt by the situation. odd…

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      • avatar

        chris July 10, 2011, 9:41 pm

        You basically said that you were sleeping around with three guys, one of whom is a friend of your current boyfriend, one of whom turned out to be obnoxious, and one of whom you didn’t talk to for unspecified reasons.

        That’s not much of a horror story.

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      • katie

        katie July 11, 2011, 7:13 pm

        just for the record, i didn’t, and haven’t ever, slept around.

        i just kissed some guys!

        and i am very sorry if my experiences didn’t live up to your expectations….

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      • avatar

        Fairhaired Child July 11, 2011, 12:00 am

        I think it was only because of the lines ” i would literally text one guy while i was with another one, and go from one guy’s dorm to the other.. stuff like that. lol it was fun times.” that you got so many thumbs down. even though you only did making out and fondleing instead of going the whole nine yards

        *shrugs* but man there are a lot of purple thumbs on this page..

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2011, 10:54 am

        Yeah I think the moral police where out for this one thread. Seems there might be some people out there that are afraid to respond, but don’t like the fact that people sleeping around so much.

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  • eelavocado

    eelavocado July 9, 2011, 12:56 am

    I had a few romps with a good guy friend after my college boyfriend broke up with me. Then my FWB and I began talking for hours a day on the phone (we were in different states)…and I started to think we could have a relationship. I quickly realized that it would never work (our personalities are too different) and we shouldn’t sleep with each other anymore. THAT went over really well. When I called to tell him I wanted to put the brakes on the benefits, he flat out called me a whore. We didn’t speak for a good six months or so. A few years later, we catch each other on Gchat every once in a while. We’re in the same group of friends, so we also see each other every couple months. Things are fine now, but I never should have slept with him. It caused too much tension within my group of friends and too much heartache for the two of us. I’ll never do that again.

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  • avatar

    Fairhaired Child July 9, 2011, 1:39 am

    I’ve actually had a few FWBs. As I said in a previous thread (I think the one on MOA) I would purposefully seek out FWBS between relationships – which was really just a very toxic cycle I put myself into. I don’t regret any of my FWBS – in some cases they were just what I needed.

    FWB#1: I had just broken up with my High School sweetheart of 2 1/2 years(I dated in H.S. before him but we had discussed marriage etc, and I had told him to ask me again after college – we only lasted not even halfway through Freshman year of college then broke up). I had run into this FWB at a party, with my roommate. I actually had known him in high school as well – but never really hung out with him – he was 2 or 3 years older than I was. He liked my roommate so started hanging around more, but my roommate didn’t like him. I would go out to parties with both of them or just him, and eventually ended up hooking up with him (while still giving him advice on what to do with my roommate to date her). That lasted for the a couple of months before it got too hectic trying to balance us hiding our FWB and him trying ask her out to date at the same time (esp. since his friends knew he was sleeping with me so thought that I was the GF). They never ended up dating.

    FWB#2 – Ex- coworker. We started hanging out because he had needed a ride from the airport and called me (to my surprise – i was probably number 35 on the list though). He invited me over to watch The Tudors (omg I love that show) and we hung out frequently. We hung out as “casual friends” for a long time before anything sexual happened between us, however I did sleep over in the same bed as him (no action) several times because at the time all I wanted was to be near SOMEONE but no sexual contact or commitments, and he understood that. He was the one who worked out best for me, because we didn’t have interest in each other, but just liked to be near a warm body (even if nothing ever happened). We did this on and off for a year before after a particularlly horrible break up, I made a move and finally kissed him – which lead to the actually being a FWB thing. The rest is history, but we would migrate back to each other when ever both of us were single.

    FWB#3 – I actually tried to do the FWB with an EX thing and that was just horrible because it aslo happened to be the controlling ex that swore up and down he changed. However when he called to see if I wanted to come over, I was over at #2’s house watching.. THE TUDORS <333 and he got super angry and jealous and called me a whore etc. I was like.. seriously? we aren't in a relationship anymore, we aren't anything at all and your going to throw a hissy fit because I'm at another guys house watching a tv show – if I was really shacking up with him at the moment I WOULDNT HAVE ANSWERED THE CALL.

    I've had other short flings and 1-2 night stands but all of these were more long term – #2 being the longest because it was repeated between multiple relationships I had.

    I've cut off contact with all three of them though for my own sanity, and #2 is the only one I'd ever really consider seeing or talking to again, but I know we would never work out in a real realtionship, and that it wasn't fair to either of us to use each other like that so much. I've even warned my current BF if he EVER hears me mention #2's name or that I ran into him/planning to hang out – that it probably means that something is wrong with our relationship, and I'm seeking to set up old habits.

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  • avatar

    thefabulousmzm July 9, 2011, 2:05 am

    I was previously in a super long term relationship. After it was over I was horny, but loathed the thought of sleeping with someone I didn’t know. I went on a dates with 2 or 3 guys but wasn’t really feeling them enough to kiss, let alone have sex.

    As luck would have it a friend of mine became available for a summer fling. Best of all, though he technically lived several states away, that summer he was temporarily living just a few towns over from me. Plus, and I’d never known this before, he was a freaky, horny, kinky beast. My previous guy was great in bed, but pretty vanilla, so this was a nice change. We had awesome adventurous sex all summer. One time we even did it on the front lawn. I’m still proud of that! Plus we got along great for the most part. And when we didn’t, who cared? We just didn’t have to deal with each other. It was like having a boyfriend without any of the annoying stuff or work.

    Even after it was over and he went home (just in time for us not to ever become truly annoyed with one another) we still continued to dirty text from time to time even though we knew we’d not be sleeping together anymore. Now it’s like nothing ever happened.

    I swear that FWB setup made for a very satisfying summer.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark July 9, 2011, 3:58 am

    And clearly — it’s official. Only gay dudes can have, understand, and truly appreciate Friends With Benefits Relationships.

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    • avatar

      MissDre July 9, 2011, 10:47 am

      For once I actually agree with you.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant July 9, 2011, 1:13 pm

      Wendy asked for FWB horror stories, not your mundane, well executed FWB. Are you telling me that every single FWB gay men have go off without a hitch? I have had some great FWB that worked great, some were terrible. If you don’t know someone intimately, but do intimate things with them, sometimes shit will blow up in your face.

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  • avatar

    mel July 9, 2011, 8:56 am

    I went through a casual sex phase when I was 18, fresh out of a string of monogamous relationships that frankly sucked, and had just turned of age here in Canada and could go out dancing and drinking. I met this guy in a bar, and we really hit it off. He was cute and funny, with a hot body, and we really got along hanging out as friends, and obviously FWBs. We exchanged numbers and texted each other and got together pretty much whenever we had free time to do it.

    Now normally I would have totally fallen for this dude, but I must have SOME instinct for self-preservation because he was in the army. He wasn’t even from my town, but was stationed a few towns away. On top of that, he was headed for Afghanistan in three months. So not only could I tell that he wasn’t the monogamous type, he was also going to be serving in an incredibly scary area really soon. The “relationship material” switch in my head didn’t even trigger. I just figured that we’d screw around for a while, and then I would wish him luck, tell him I had a great time, and set him free. I didn’t want him to be distracted when he left, or me to be heartbroken.

    Anyway, it was the perfect plan while he was in town. We bonked a lot, hung out a lot, had a great time. The last time I saw him I wished him luck and that was it.

    It was the perfect summer fling. I worried for him a little, but since I didn’t get that close to him, I tried not to stress.

    So of COURSE he had to ruin it. He managed to track down my MSN Messenger profile (haha, the early 2000s!) and start talking to me. He told me he was doing well over there, I told him I had a boyfriend and my life was moving forward wonderfully. …Then he asked me to get my gear off on camera.

    So basically, he took a pretty good memory of a perfectly executed summer fling/FWB and ruined it with consistent, tawdry and annoying requests for boob pics and cam sessions – things which I equated to cheating, and informed him so. I eventually ended up blocking and deleting him, no longer thinking he was a gentleman, good guy, or even a friend. :/

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones July 10, 2011, 11:33 am

      Oh, come on! The poor guy is lonely and fighting in Afghanistan! Couldn’t you have sent him a few pics and done it for our country? ( I am joking, of course, but just could not resist that one…)

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      • avatar

        mel July 10, 2011, 11:35 am

        Hahaha, yeah. He tried that too. Along with, “Well, other girls will do it for me.”

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      • katie

        katie July 10, 2011, 9:20 pm

        i love that line… as if it makes the situation better when they say that. lol

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  • avatar

    MissDre July 9, 2011, 10:45 am

    I had a number of FWB situations when I was younger. No drama with any of them, but I did not handle them emotionally. I always wanted more, or went into it thinking it would turn into a relationship… It definitely hurt my self esteem and I won’t be getting into anything like that again.

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  • avatar

    MsBorgia July 9, 2011, 2:44 pm

    I had one FWB/rebound after I broke up with my first serious boyfriend. The “benefits” part didn’t end well but we’re still close. I think all in all it worked out really well because the guy I had been in a relationship with was VERY conservative and had very limited views on sex, alcohol, and general frivolity— which is fine, but he imposed them on me and everyone else too. My FWB helped me loosen up and not feel guilty about having my kind of fun that I’d never been allowed to have before.

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  • avatar

    Laurel July 9, 2011, 8:41 pm

    I only did a FWB thing once. I thought he was hot, I think he thought I was hot, and we had sex for about 6 weeks. Things fell apart when he was to busy playing D&D to get busy with me. I was a little offended by that, we got out of contact, and then he FB messaged me a couple years later apologizing. If I wasn’t in a relationship I probably would have started having sex with him again, but now it’s just water under the bridge.

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    • avatar

      spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 12:44 pm

      I don’t know. Giving me a choice between a BJ and finally getting that +1 CON pendant on my Halfling is a pretty tough call.

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  • avatar

    Roger July 9, 2011, 9:56 pm

    You guys are nuts….I am married for 20+ years now but if I can get a blow job fro some girl I will take it all day long (Before I was married) ….I had to jump through many hoops for my current wife…but I was willing to do so because she is the mother of my two sons…you ladies need to have more respect for yourself…..but if you are willing to blow me I will never say no…

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    • avatar

      pho_sho July 10, 2011, 12:01 am

      I’d rather be with somebody who loves me and respects me without having to jump through a lot of hoops. I can say this because I have plenty of respect for myself and I think that any guy worth being with will value all the things I have to offer. It’s weird that you think a woman should make a guy jump through hoops in order to make him want to stick around, and I find it to be an immature approach towards dating and marriage. You seem to imply that your wife’s ability to make you jump through hoops made you stick around, instead of all the things that makes her unique and well-suited for you. I tend to think that this reflect poorly on you.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki July 10, 2011, 9:35 pm

      I don’t think I have little self respect for myself. I’m married now, so of course I’m a one-man woman, but I am completely open and honest about the fact that I enjoy sex and I can distinguish lust from love. Basic human instinct and horomones drive humans to want to have sex and if you can’t find someone you want to be with for life, but you just want to have fun then why not? It is already hard for women to break out of the anti-sex ideology and the taboo nature of females enjoying sex without someone claiming we have no self respect just because we enjoy it and don’t hide that fact. I think its the same idea as men being called “players” and getting high fives for sleeping around and women being called sluts.

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    • avatar

      AnitaBath July 11, 2011, 3:15 am

      Gee, a blow job? Like you let some girl get in your pants? WITHOUT JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS!? Oh, boy, you need to have some more respect for yourself. I would never have spent any effort trying to snag a guy who let me into his pants so easily. But if he’s willing to let me, why would I say no?

      Because, you know, ultimately my goal is to end up with a guy who gets blow jobs from tons of women because they’re “easy,” but only marries me because I made him jump through hoops…

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    • avatar

      Jena July 11, 2011, 1:12 pm

      something tells me you don’t exactly have women lining up to blow you.

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    • avatar

      Jessica January 6, 2012, 1:11 am

      Even though you are married you would still say yes to a blow job???:|

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  • avatar

    MsBorgia July 9, 2011, 11:19 pm

    Wow, this thread is getting a LOT of thumbs down. Wonder why?

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    • avatar

      pho_sho July 9, 2011, 11:55 pm

      Totally agree.I can understand thumbs up for an experience because you can relate or as a means of support. I can understand thumbs down if it’s an expressed opinion or commentary, but it seems weird to thumbs down when somebody is just retelling their experiences. I’m not sure if it represents judgement because somebody disagreed with the posters decision at the time or what.

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    • avatar

      Nadine July 10, 2011, 5:26 am

      Yeah, I guess people have big moral opinions about other peoples sex lives? I don’t know, consensual sex between adults is pretty much THE LEAST threatening thing I can think of, but it really gets to some people.
      I’m pretty prudish in my own life, but that’s me. Other people (shock horror) are different to me.
      Good on them.

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    • avatar

      mel July 10, 2011, 11:38 am

      It could be that people are thumbs-downing the bad things that have happened to others, or that others have done? And since this is a thread about bad things happening to you, maybe that’s why there’s a higher frequency of purple here.

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    • avatar

      sarolabelle July 10, 2011, 10:40 am

      maybe because the stories the people are telling aren’t horror stories?

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      • avatar

        Kate July 10, 2011, 10:41 am

        Yes, or their tone?

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      Desiree July 10, 2011, 5:30 pm

      I think maybe the thumbs down have less to do with the material of the stories, and more with the ways the stories are expressed. Quite a few of them are not very respectful to many of the parties involved.

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      • Budj

        Budjer July 11, 2011, 1:13 pm

        THIS! Thanks. No double standards imo…just the general way some of these stories are being told are pompous, condescending, and sometimes mean-spirited…some of the thumbs may be from the lack of horror involved in the story or the fact that a lot of these aren’t even FWB situations.

        For example from a girl’s perspective….I was having sex with a desperate friend on my period and forgot to take my tampon out…..that is a horror story.

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      • avatar

        Kate July 11, 2011, 2:05 pm

        Yup. Like I said earlier…TONE.

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    • katie

      katie July 10, 2011, 9:23 pm

      it seems to me that all the stories with a lot of thumbs down are the ones where the woman didnt end up hurt and was in control of the situation in some way. i find that really weird…

      did anyone else notice that?

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    • avatar

      Fairhaired Child July 10, 2011, 11:44 pm

      It could be that they disagree with this weekend thread at all and feel like by us talking about “so many FWB” situations we’ve been in that not only are we “promoting” such things for the younger readers but that we are only proving the downgrading of society and relationships as a whole.

      However I do not agree with that, and while I was not happy in my decisions (I even stated in my post that it was a toxic cycle and that it was unfair of me to use the FWBS in the the way that I did) I’m not going to hide that it IS a part of my past, and I’m fine with being open with it. I’m not promoting it or dissing it, its just facts of what I did TO MYSELF, and while there were some positives there were also some negatives. Its happened, they’re over, the end. Don’t understand the thumbs down either without any feedback as to why? (at this post I have 10 ups and 13 downs)

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  • avatar

    Lexie.b July 10, 2011, 5:21 am

    I did a FWB last summer up until the beginning of this year. I thought I was handling everything fine because he wasn’t really my type and originally I had no interest in dating him. Well by the end of our thing I finally admitted to myself that I did like him and wanted more than a FWB deal, just in time for him to drop out of my life. Because we were only FWB I didn’t think it was okay for me to text him to ask what happened, but not to long later I saw on FB that he had a girlfriend now. That happened about 4-5 months ago and I’m still hung up on him…it’s getting frustrating.

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    • avatar

      Fairhaired Child July 10, 2011, 11:52 pm

      Best of luck on the moving on! It does really suck when you start to feel more of a conection and then WAM they drop off the face of the earth. Esp. when they have someone new and you’re still in limbo.

      Hopefully though you aren’t fully stuck in the same friend circle as him and you can avoid the “Oh hello girl who replaced me and is actually his girlfriend now” moment for a while until you feel like you have properly moved on. Lots of warm fuzzies coming your way.

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  • avatar

    honeybeenicki July 10, 2011, 7:59 pm

    My husband started as a one night stand who wouldn’t go away, turned into a FWB then ultimately boyfriend, fiance, husband… so I guess it turned out ok?

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    • avatar

      Fairhaired Child July 10, 2011, 11:53 pm

      HOW DID THIS ONE GET ANY THUMBS DOWN??
      this is like perfectly quirky adorable

      Congrats on finding happiness!

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 11, 2011, 8:16 am

        Thank you 🙂 I’m wondering if it was thumbs downed because a) it wasn’t a horror story and b) I said my husband started as a one night stand. He knows it too 😛 He was a friend of mine prior to the one night stand, though.

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  • avatar

    Jms July 10, 2011, 9:41 pm

    Reading this thread the one thing I really wish is that there was a gender breakdown of the thumbs ups and thumbs down!

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  • avatar

    Justfolks July 10, 2011, 9:50 pm

    My first ever FWB was also my first ever time in the sack. We were both fifteen although she had been exploring her wild side for about a year or so. She taught me a thing or three about, well, the mechanics of how it all works. We stayed good close friends all through high school and then, by chance, in college as we happened to both go to Berkeley. She always had solid boyfriends and I sometimes but less frequently had a girlfriend but somehow we managed to hook up from time to time. Every now and then I hinted that maybe we could become more regular but she always had something else on her mind. She might have changed her mind if I had demonstrate a little more earnestness but it wasn’t to be. She has kids in college now and is happily married for these past 20+ years while I too am happily married with kids not too far behind. When my mind’s eye lingers on past intimacies, her’s are the ones that are the sweetest. I guess it was never meant to be but I still wonder.

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  • avatar

    Alletron July 10, 2011, 11:45 pm

    Seriously, I’m appalled at how much Slut-Shaming is going on here. Why can’t we just get our rocks off and have some no-strings-attached sex like the boys do? Why can’t we feel just as good about it and leave in high spirits? Why must we feel ashamed of our sexuality and desires?

    Seriously, every single one of you who has made some judging remark or given a “thumbs down” to someone’s good experience with NSA-sex, know that you’re the reason women will never get ahead and will never get sexual equality. You all disgust me.

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    • avatar

      Jungo July 11, 2011, 2:22 am

      Thumbs down doesn’t mean “shaming” – it is a mere disagreement with all or some part of the story. What bothers me is that so many of the “confessions” describe extremely superficial, casual encounters that have no friendship content at all, or if there is friendship involved, there’s lots of manipulating and controlling going on. I think of “friendship” as something of great, LASTING value, not a guy you meet at a party, have a few nights, weeks or months of sleeping together then you don’t want to ever hear from the guy again. That’s NSA, but definitely NOT FWB.

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      • avatar

        pho_sho July 11, 2011, 7:19 am

        Sorry Jungo, but I don’t get how one can “disagree” with somebody’s account of a FWB gone bad. These situations don’t usually come from good decisions and emotional maturity. Instead, they are usually errors of youth, as many of the posters would probably admit. Your idea of FWB is the ideal, but in the real world, these situations are usually messy with no real foundation of friendship, otherwise a FWB situation probably wouldn’t happen in the first place. I’d say the messy FWB situations are the norm and your idea of what a “FWB should be” rarely happens.

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      • avatar

        Jungo July 11, 2011, 11:56 am

        No real foundation of friendship is exactly the problem I have with it. The language has precise terms for that – Casual Encounter. Hookup. Sleeping around. Pretending there is friendship involved is an obvious attempt to legitimize that behavior, and that is what the thumbs down are objecting to, OI guess.

        Fairhaired Child below takes personal offense at this POV and cunsiders it an insult. I have no control over her emotions, if she wants to feel shame at a mere disagreement with her conduct, it is her prerogative. I don’t know about the thumbs down, I know I have no issue at all with sleeping around if that’s what’s intended, just don’t drag the concept of friendship into it.

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      • leilani

        leilani July 11, 2011, 12:54 pm

        I think only “approving” of a FWB story if it fits neatly inside certain bounds is denying the nature of FWBs. There can a hell of a lot of overlap between a f*ck buddy, FWB, someone you’re casually seeing…and often each person in the situation has a different take on what they are. If all FWBs were extremely well-defined relationships and the people in them communicated really well with each other, there probably wouldn’t be very many “horror stories” at all.

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      • avatar

        Fairhaired Child July 11, 2011, 8:58 am

        I don’t think most of the people thought about giving the huge back story of how people met and how long exactly they knew each other etc. And most FWB relationships do end badly, are you really going to still talk to every single person you dated or had a sexual relationship and have a “lasting value” relationship? I think people stop contact after a while because it FWBS usually end up with someone hurt.

        Most people don’t talk to the majority of people they used to call friends 5 years ago. And that could just be because they grew apart, had a fight over something, or just ended up in different places in life (either in location, or by maturity level). That could be the same reason why they don’t speak to that FWB anymore – or they had to MOA because they felt like they fell in love but the other person didn’t feel the same way. I think meeting someone for the SOLE purpose of sex or a sexual encounter, and thats it, is not a FWB. While most of these stories may have started out as casual friends, closer friends, co-worker or actually been a ex boyfriend at one point.

        But someone (usually) gets more emotions and attachments in the FWB situation and gets hurt, or they may move on because they find a more meaningful relationship, and lets be honest.. who really wants to introduce new friends to your old FWB and go “this is my friend John who also I’ve previously slept with a few years ago.. but I still value him as a friend” – IDK my boyfriend or that friend’s current girlfriends may be a little green eyed monster about “you slept with __ and still hang out with them? WHY?” . I think it RUINS a Friendship almost all the time, and its awkward once someone moves on – and the other doesn’t or if the other has more feelings for one then the other does.

        I believe that when ANYONE enters a FWB, or even a one night stand whatever.. both parties are manipulating each other. They are both taking advantage of the situation, and while their reasons may be different (ie I secretely crush and love you, I heard you were great in bed, you provide emotional support but I need/want something extra, my boyfriend treated me horribly and I finally broke up with him and you held me all night while I cried and I can’t face dating again but I still want to be touched again.. ) – but thats the risk you take. You know its not fair (in a long run situation – unless you’re lucky like honeybeenicki!). But you go there with little to no expectations, and just want the experience (READ: SEX).

        Personally I stopped talking to my FWBS because it was best for both of us. My first FWB was in love with my roommate, and I didn’t want to hold him back from dating her. My second, I think I started to fall for, but he was 8 years older, and when I went to Ireland and came back he stopped talking to me for months and then randomly popped up again to ask for me to co-sign for a car. I wanted to ask him to date me when I got bake from Ireland (after i turned 21) but that didn’t work out. And my Third, we dated, it didn’t work out, I shouldn’t have started sleeping with him again – even if he initiated it, because he expected more and I was still gun shy of relationships again – and he was also the controlling ass who verbally abused me (I’m smart to sleep with him again wasn’t I *sarcasm*).

        *long rant*

        so yes, you are shaming because you think we are petty and “extremely superficial” and being manipulative – so .. sluts? how dare we. what aweful people we must be that we sought some kind of euphoric feelings with another person, and when we (or they) got hurt then we pulled back from the relationship because there was no going back to what happened “before they saw me naked”.

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        Fairhaired Child July 11, 2011, 9:04 am

        I once went to a hippie festival a year ago for a weekend and ended up doing a “strip for bacon strips” thing, because my boyfriend goaded me into doing it with him. I still can’t look at bacon without blushing furiously because some random people saw my goodies (even though most people there were naked) I can’t imagine still hanging out in a group of friends with people, where a few (or all) of them know that I slept with one of them and they saw me naked. I’d be blushing every time I saw that person!

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    • avatar

      AnitaBath July 11, 2011, 3:11 am

      Completely agree. The fact that your comment alone is now at ten thumbs down is pretty saddening. My theory is that there are a bunch of uptight, bitter people browsing the comments who are too afraid (or too lazy) to voice their disapproval about *gasp* SOMEONE HAVING SEX WITH SOME THEY DON’T LUUUUURRRVE.

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    • avatar

      Fairhaired Child July 11, 2011, 2:19 am

      wow a lot of people lurk at weird hours – I thumb uped you shortly after you posted and I saw no other thumbs, now NOT EVEN 3 hours later, you have (at this time) 7 ups and 9 down

      I also found this on the frisky while I was bored lurking here because no one else has posted

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    • avatar

      MsMisery July 11, 2011, 9:26 am

      Even the people who just post about the massive down-thumbing get down-thumbed. That’s meaningful just by itself. Almost no one is explaining their negative feelings regarding other people’s FWB situations; they’re just ANGRY ABOUT THEM.

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      • avatar

        Fairhaired Child July 11, 2011, 11:46 am

        I wish I could have given you thumbs up 1000X

        I think this is also true – or maybe its like the last few dear wendy LW posts where there’s someone randomly trolling about thumbing down a ton of people- then others followed suit or just think that our decisions were super poor in the past (like most of us didn’t already admit that in the comments we posted)

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    • avatar

      Jungo July 11, 2011, 12:17 pm

      No slut shaming, at least I don’t think most thumbs down mean that. What I object to is pretending the casual NSA sex is something meaningful, a “friendship” with casual sex as a side effect – which may or may not be a benefit in the end, and this is what makes FWB situations infinitely more complex, interesting and exciting than NSA.

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  • avatar

    jvon July 11, 2011, 6:17 am

    I had a FWB (who I had stopped having “benefits” with, to her annoyance) intentionally torpedo a budding relationship of mine. The two of them were co-workers.

    After that we weren’t friends without benefits, either.

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  • avatar

    gloriasteinem July 11, 2011, 9:07 am

    One reason I would tend to thumbs-down most of these posts—but I didn’t touch a single one–is the degree to which you mindlessly abase yourselves. This is not “slut shaming.” This is the opinion of an old, and now thoroughly disheartened, feminist of the 60s. Little did I realize when I was fighting for sexual freedom that I was contributing to forcing my sons and daughters into lives of mindless conformity and self-abasement. The problem with FWB is that every valuable element of your personality is subordinated to your genitals. You think of yourselves coarsely, as though you have no

    By sleeping with anyone–practically anyone–you are not enjoying ‘sexual freedom’, you are allowing yourselves to be sexually exploited. You are throwing the sense of sacredness in your lives away and wallowing in the mud.You are admitting that you are nothing more than an animal, and a utilitarian, with no higher aspirations than to get laid. I see that about half of you experience mindless sex as a negative thing. No wonder; you are taking the most important part of your soul and dragging it through the mud. Rather, you should share the most important parts of yourself only with those who deserve it.

    You may believe you are in control, but you are just victims of a fashion in thought. (They exist.) Believe it or not, people with tattoos will be out of style one day and will be beating down the doors of the dermatologists in order to have them lasered off, it will be just that embarrassing. In like manner, those of you who are so improvidently subordinating the most tender, meaningful, parts of your personalities to your instincts will have a whole lifetime to regret your actions. In the meantime, you are motivated by despair and a desire to fit in. I would rather have cut off my hand than contributed to this, frankly, nightmarish state of affairs.

    No, I take that back. I give this whole thread a thumbs-down. Two, if possible.

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    • avatar

      zombeyonce July 11, 2011, 2:06 pm

      I thumbed this down, and I’ll tell you why:

      1. I never realized that having sex with people that you want to have sex with was considered a form of conformity. I thought it was doing something that I enjoyed with someone I found attractive, but didn’t necessarily want a relationship with. I have never had FWBs to be “one of the crowd,” I had them to make myself happy.

      2. Sexual exploitation is about abuses of power dynamics, and two adults entering into a sexual relationship consensually does not sexual exploitation make.

      3. Sex is “the most important part of your soul”?! What about my kindness, my love for others, my intelligence, my contributions to the world? I like to think that those count for a heck of a lot more in the makeup of my soul than what I do in the privacy of my bedroom.

      4. You do realize that people have been getting tattoos for hundreds of years, right? (Maybe even longer.) Sometimes they are frivolous, and sometimes they are stories about cultures. I can’t imagine ever wanting to get rid of mine, which represent important personal philosophies.

      5. If you think that casual sex is horrifying and you have any periods of life where you’re not in a relationship, you may not want to cut off your hand; you’re going to need it.

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  • Portia

    LA July 11, 2011, 10:15 am

    The first guy I was with and pretty much all of my first sexual experiences (excluding oral and intercourse) was with a friend with benefits. It technically was me who made it not be a real relationship, but mainly because I was so clueless. And I didn’t want a boyfriend (it seemed like too much work, considering he lived a distance away at a different high school and I didn’t have a car). However, I decided it was over for good when I found out one of our hottest sessions was while he had a girlfriend. We hooked up once many years later, but the girlfriend thing pushed it over the edge.
    I’m not sure it was the healthiest thing to do and I don’t think I’d do it knowing some of the things I know now about relationships, but it was a relatively safe place where I never felt pressured to go any farther than second base because it wasn’t a relationship.

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  • avatar

    Gordon July 11, 2011, 12:59 pm

    FWB usually end badly for women when they FWB with men that are higher value than themselves. Of course men are happy to FWB with higher value women. Ladies, if you want a FWB, then you need to be on the same level.

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    • avatar

      neuroticbeagle July 11, 2011, 1:35 pm

      How exactly do you calculate a persons “value”?

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      • avatar

        AnitaBath July 11, 2011, 4:24 pm

        Using this survey, duh.

        http://www.humanforsale.com/

        I personally am worth over 2 million dollars. I scoff at any man who wouldn’t even sell for 1.5 million that tries to approach me.

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      • avatar

        spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 4:31 pm

        $2.89M. Suck it, inferiors. They said it would be like $3M+ if I didn’t categorize my porn collection.

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      • avatar

        AnitaBath July 11, 2011, 4:52 pm

        Ooooh, spaceboy! Nearly $3 million, you said? I’ll suck whatever you want, so long as I’m not with someone who’s worth less than me!

        I admitted to my frequent porn watching. That, coupled with my size eleven foot, is probably what did me in. Curses!

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  • avatar

    teapartydoc July 11, 2011, 7:26 pm

    This is astounding. What is this country coming to?

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  • avatar

    Emily July 25, 2011, 7:25 pm

    Hi all,
    I am doing research on the topic of real-life “friends with benefits” for a new celebrity hosted daytime talk show.

    As such, I would love to speak with you further about your stories. Please email tvprod72@gmail.com with your info if you are interested.

    Thanks!
    
Emily

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  • avatar

    Anonymous August 14, 2011, 11:33 pm

    I’ve only had one FWB experience and it turned out badly for me because I had the higher sex drive! I am the only woman I know who has had this problem, and it led to a really ugly end to our “relationship.”

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  • avatar

    Chilosa161 September 2, 2011, 7:33 pm

    I have only FWB success stories!

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  • avatar

    Irishblue06 September 25, 2011, 2:54 pm

    I had a wonderful relationship with my FWB for 18 months. No drama, we were very good friends and had good sex too. We’d agreed that if he ever wanted someone new, he’d tell me first.
    I was at a sporting event with my teenager and talking and enjoying the camaraderie of other parents from the team.
    One of the other moms and I got to talking and I asked her where she met her dates. She mentioned a place where I’d met my FWB and I said Oh yeah, I’d met a friend there. She asked his name and I told her my friend’s name and the look on her face….I knew. She’d been seeing him for 6 months. We talked and texted and got it all out. We’d had the exact same relationship with him but she thought they were falling in love, despite the fact that he never took her anywhere or did anything but have sex with her. He helped me around my house and I knew more about him, but I knew better than to think we were in love. No way.
    She made a big deal about it with him, I didn’t. I just never talked to him or texted him after that. I hate big dramatic scenes.

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  • avatar

    catherine October 19, 2011, 11:22 pm

    Ive been seeing him for four years. he dumped me for someone he REALLY liked awhile back and then cheated on her with me. Then she finally kicked him out and so he is back seeing me openly, at least till he finds someone better. The horror part is he called to come over tonight and I said yes. I am still seeing him. This is because I don’t trust guys who say they want a relationship due to the fact they have always cheated on me. I don’t trust this one either since he is a cheater but it’s the devil you know, and at least when I get fed up enough to leave he won’t stalk me.

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