This weird and ultimately very anti-climactic season of The Bachelor ended last night and — SPOILER ALERT!! DO NOT CONTINUE READING IF YOU DON’T WANT THE FINALE SPOILED FOR YOU — the winner was…
all the women Juan Pablo didn’t choose (or the ones who left the show before he had a chance to choose or reject them; I love me some Sharleen!!).
The season started innocuously enough. We didn’t know much about Juan Pablo — he was sent packing relatively early on the previous season of The Bachelorette — but what we did know seemed fine as far as a Bachelor goes. He’s Latino and hot. He looked very good with his shirt off. He was a former professional soccer player with pretty nice legs. He had a young daughter and seemed on good terms with the daughter’s mother. His English was only so-so. But, it didn’t take long before innocuous Juan Pablo started raising eyebrows. There was the whole “gays are perverts” thing which should have been enough for most of us to stop watching and yet we continued. “It’s hate-watching,” I justified to my (gay) best friend when he called me out for supporting a bigot.
And then there was the slut-shaming incident when Juan Pablo happily and eagerly followed contestant Clare, a needy blonde with dead-dad issues, into the ocean in the middle of the night in Vietnam for some hanky panky and then berated her the next morning for … I guess seducing him and forcing him into the water? Or something like that? It was weird. And Clare got all teary, which she mentioned to Juan Pablo’s mother in last night’s episode when she — JP’s own mother — warned Clare about what a rude asshole her son is (not those exact words, but the sentiments were the same). “He made me cry,” Clare said, pointing to herself and bobbing her head, as if the admission meant something — as if it somehow proved her love and loyalty — and not sheer desperation and amazingly low self-respect — that she allowed a guy to slut-shame her on national TV and still hoped for a ring and a promise of marriage at the end of it.
But last night Clare got to redeem herself — at least a little bit — when she admitted to herself what several girls before her had already seen: Juan Pablo is a douche. And that was not more apparent to her than when, in a rare moment when the cameras and audio were turned off, Juan Pablo whispered something in her ear for only her to hear, and it wasn’t the sweet sort of nothings you would expect a man you’re hoping for an imminent proposal from to say to you. It was something else — something she said she wouldn’t repeat on television. So… what was it? Rumor has it he said: “We don’t know each other well, but I love fucking you.” Romantic, right?
And yet! And yet! That still wasn’t enough for Clare to leave. Still, she stayed long enough to see if Juan Pablo would propose to her because isn’t it every girl’s dream to marry a man who doesn’t know her well but loves screwing her (along with possibly several other women he is also dating)? Swoon! So, she walked down the beachy trail in her heels and rhinestones toward the final rose and her destiny. And she told JP how much she loved him and she waited. With bated breath, she waited. And instead of getting down on one knee and slipping a fancy Neil Lane diamond on the finger of a woman he loves boning, Juan Pablo dumped Clare. He dumped her, and finally — finally! — Clare found a backbone, and, before she walked away, she said: “You’re not the man I’d want as the father of my children!” And women everywhere cheered. Or re-filled their wine glasses.
And then it was Nikki’s turn down the beachy trail where she also professed her love and waited. And a proposal did not come for her either! Instead, Juan Pablo said he really liked her (no word on whether he really likes boning her though) and he said he had a ring in his pocket but didn’t want to give it to her. Instead, he picked up the final rose and said, “Will you accept this rose?” And, with a deflated face, she sort of shrugged and said, “You knew I would” (subtext: “because I am desperate and pathetic and will do anything you ask).
And then it was After the Final Rose time! Chris Harrison was pissed! He all but punched Juan Pablo in the face. And Clare said “thanks, but no thanks” on the chance to see and speak with Juan Pablo again. And Sharleen and her eyebrows were there! And you just KNOW that, after the episode ended, she and JP were in the greenroom getting it on because even though Sharleen is smart and she left JP with her dignity intact and she even basically called him too dumb to marry, it was obvious the chemistry between them was sizzling hot and so why not make out with him in the greenroom, you know? It’s not like his fiancée would care.
And here’s the part where I defend the douchey Juan Pablo because, while he is a douche of epic proportions and I would be so incredibly disappointed if a daughter of mine ever brought home a guy like him, I don’t think his not proposing to someone at the finale is the reason he’s so unlikable. If anything, I think that’s one of the few respectful things he did during the season. I mean, is it so terrible that he didn’t propose to someone he’s only known for a couple months and isn’t in love with? Is it so awful that he didn’t profess love to someone he has never, ever dated without also dating — and boning — at least several other women? Is it so crazy that he wants privacy now to whisper his sweet nothings in Nikki’s ears, like how much he likes… well, use your imagination?
“I’m sorry you didn’t get the ending you wanted for the show,” Juan Pablo said to Chris Harrison right before Chris Harrison threw himself off a bridge.
Oh, Juan Pablo. You should have just kept your shirt off and your mouth closed. I mean, I’m just being honest.