It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss take-charge men, the problem with texting, and turning down a wedding invitation.
I am a strong and confident 54-year-old woman who can take care of every aspect of a home. I can fix things, mow the grass, etc. I want a man who is also confident and strong, but I always end up with guys who are very clingy which I don’t like. I want a man who is going to be the man in the bedroom — not someone who wants to cuddle and have me do all the work. I am also very confident in the bedroom and can be very sexy and, yes, I can tell them what I want and need. How come I get these guys who have to have a road map to decide which way to turn or how fast they have to go? In other words I need a man who knows how to drive and how fast or slow to go and can do sharp turns and race up hills. I always end up with these guys who are the exact opposite. I ask them if I intimidate them and they say no. Are they lying? — Strong and Confident
Even the best driver in the world isn’t going to know exactly how to get around in a town he’s never been before. Do yourself and the men you’re with a favor and give a few directions to help them find your sweet spots. If he still hasn’t found his way around after a few drive-throughs, then you can think about finding someone who’s a more confident driver, but casting judgment on someone who’s never been to your particular town is unwelcoming to say the least.
I have been seeing this guy for a little over a month. Everything was great. He took me to dinner the day after we met and was eager to see me daily. He also introduced me to couple of his friends/ co-workers. He invited me over to his house several times — everything was good. Then, a few weeks ago I was out with a girlfriend and he came and met me. I had a little too much to drink, so, when he came, I totally dismissed introducing him to the people in my group. When we left, he told me he didn’t like the fact I didn’t introduce him. And that he would never do that. So next day I texted him apologizing about my behavior and that I didn’t mean to do that. No response. Saturday and Sunday nothing. Sunday night around 2 AM I get a call from him but didn’t pick up. When I asked him why he called me at that time, he said it was a mistake. Tuesday he texted me to go by his house and watch a movie. I went and then eventually we talked about what happened. He seemed hurt by it, but we squashed it. Then I slept over at his place on Saturday but had to get up early. He texted me Sunday afternoon asking why I disappeared. I explained to him why. I haven’t gotten a response from him now for almost five days. I texted him three days ago, saying, “What’s up? Hope to see u soon,” but nothing. I don’t know what to think. I know he is busy with work, but I hoped he would acknowledge my texts. Is it over? Should I just lie back and not worry like I am now and over-analyzing everything? — Is it Over?
Here’s a novel concept: instead of texting, talk to each other. Unfortunately, it sounds like you may have dismissed your new guy one too many times and he may be moving on. In the future, practice good etiquette, including leaving a note if you have to sneak out of someone’s bedroom early in the morning.
I am a few years out of school and my sorority sister, “Helen,” is getting married to another college friend. Her fiance’s mother is dying from breast cancer that has spread. Over the last year, I have only seen her three times, despite the fact that we live in the same city. After the engagement, she became a different person. I don’t know that the term bridezilla would really cover it. She’s cut her fiance’s mom out of the entire wedding process. As an example, Helen yelled at her fiance’s mom for buying a green dress because her mom is also wearing a green dress (though they are different shades). Helen’s fiance’s mom had limited strength and energy to find the dress, and the green dress was apparently the only one she tried on that day that made her feel comfortable given her scars and appearance right now. I know that all sounds minor, but Helen’s been really tough on his family and this whole year has been about how the wedding is only about her. I just feel like I don’t know her anymore. However, we have many mutual friends, all of whom feel the same way. The difference is that I do not want to attend the wedding, but my other friends are going. When we were all together a few weeks ago, I floated the idea that I would not be attending. Our mutual friends looked at me like I had two heads. The thing for me is that I am a bridesmaid in two other weddings this summer and my budget is tight. Attending Helen’s wedding at this point would cost over $400 because of the location, travel costs, and hotel stay. But, I don’t really want to rock the boat. Would it be appropriate to send a note along with the rsvp and say that I cannot attend but I wish them the best? I have already purchased her bridal shower and wedding gift, so I would obviously send those in my stead. I’ve also committed to attending her bachelorette because it is in our city. Weddings are so touchy with people, and I also don’t want to make things awkward in our group of friends. Any guidance you have would be most appreciated! — Wedding guest
I would simply attach a short note on the RSVP card saying, “Due to prior commitments this summer, I’m disappointed I won’t be able to attend your wedding. However, I look forward to celebrating with you at your bachelorette party soon!” No need to give any more details than that. And if the bride has a problem with you not attending, well, it sounds like she’s not the kind of person you’ll miss from your life anyway.
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