Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“Why Did He Treat Me So Well??”

I dated a guy from work for two months. We went to restaurants and shows, I met his friends — the whole deal. To say that the sex was amazing is an understatement. He was incredibly affectionate and we were very intimate right from the start. We were basically in a relationship (we were exclusive). He recently told me that he cannot see this becoming more serious and that he knew right from the start that this was nothing more than a “rebound” (I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship). He still wanted us to date and have sex though. I said that I couldn’t do that if he didn’t see any future with me. Since I have strong feelings for him, I figured that having sex with him was like the worst idea ever.

I’m crushed; I can’t believe that this meant absolutely NOTHING to him. If he knew that he could never fall for me, why would he treat me like his girlfriend and not like a standard booty-call? Is there any chance that he has feelings for me but, for some reason, does not want to commit? How stupid am I for wanting him to come back and change his mind? Should I just go up to him and tell him that I’m feeling so fucking miserable? — Confused Booty-call

Wait, you’re mad at a guy from deigning to treat you like a human being instead of a booty call by spending time with you outside of the sack? You think that just because he doesn’t see a future with you that you mean nothing to him? In between booty calls and potential lifelong partnerships are an array of casual relationships that may include everything you mention — dates, meeting each other’s friends, and good sex — that can indeed, mean something without necessarily meaning something.

Do not go up to your former flame/ co-worker and tell him that you’re fucking miserable. Accept that you two were looking for different things and that you developed deeper feelings than he did. This does not make him an asshole or you an idiot. This is just how dating works sometimes. It’s awesome when two people find exactly what they want in each other, whether they know what they’re looking for or not. It’s not so awesome when expectations aren’t met, messages are misunderstood, and feelings are hurt. But that’s the way it goes. Better luck next time. And since this relationship was on the heels of a longterm relationship that had just ended, maybe your “next time” should be after a break and re-group.

76 comments… add one
  • avatar

    sarolabelle March 15, 2012, 3:40 pm

    I had to look up deigning. But it is a real word!

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  • avatar

    Elanie May March 15, 2012, 3:44 pm

    Grr, I’ve been seeing a guy for a month and it’s awesome and he treats me like a girlfriend and not a booty call.

    The situation you described here, LW, is a huge fear and I’m trying not to let it eat at me. I know where you’re coming from. If my relationship ended like yours did, I would be sad and confused. Everyone on Dear Wendy tells you that “if a guy wants to be your boyfriend, he’ll act like your boyfriend” and I wasn’t entirely sure that was true…and now it’s happening to me.

    I get why you’re upset; and I know (and I’m sure you know) that you’ll eventually get over it, but I can imagine how much it sucks right now.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey March 15, 2012, 3:49 pm

    I don’t think Wendy could have stated it any better. Just because a relationship, be it a casual one or a long-term one, doesn’t work out doesn’t mean that the entire thing meant “nothing.” I, like this guy you dated, didn’t see long-term potential in my last relationship (which had already hit the 2-year mark)…so I broke up with him. It hurt (incredibly so) for me to do it, but it doesn’t mean that the 2 years I spent with him were null and void…that they meant nothing to me.

    On the contrary, think of what you learn from all of the relationships that don’t go anywhere; be it after 2 months or 2 years or 10 years. Every break up you ever have teaches you something; or at least, it should — About yourself, about the kind of person who WILL be right for you, and definitely about the kind of person who ISN’T right for you. “Failed” relationships give you the benefit of hindsight; they make you wiser and more mature (if you let them).

    This relationship, however brief, ended. He was very clear about that. So instead of fixating on how someone could treat you decently, introduce you to friends, and then decide to leave (which are all normal human dating experiences!)…fixate on all of the lessons you can learn from even the brief time you were in this “rebound” relationship. And better yet, as you are also only recently out of a longer relationship, as Wendy said, I think it would be good for you to spend some time learning to enjoy being single…and reflecting on what life has taught you so far about relationships, and yourself.

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    • avatar

      Monica M March 15, 2012, 5:24 pm

      Maybe I’m missing something but I’m confused why people are not being harder on the guy. I think he is being a bit of a jerk. You say he was clear on ending the relationship, but I don’t see that. He didn’t just say that he didn’t see a future and goodbye. He suddenly told her that not only did he not see a future for them but that he never did from the beginning. However, he would still like to have sex. Ugh! I can see why the LW is hurt. She should definitely move on but I think her level of hurt is justified.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest March 15, 2012, 5:29 pm

        You say he was clear on ending the relationship, but I don’t see that. He didn’t just say that he didn’t see a future and goodbye

        How much clearer can you get?

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      • avatar

        Monica M March 15, 2012, 5:34 pm

        Asking someone to be a sex buddy is not saying goodbye.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 15, 2012, 6:17 pm

        It sounds like he thought she was rebounding with him… but then once he could tell that she was getting more “serious” about him, he called it off.

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      • avatar

        Monica M March 15, 2012, 7:10 pm

        He didn’t call it off. He still wants to date and have sex.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl March 15, 2012, 7:22 pm

        Everybody seems to be glossing over that part. I agree with you.

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      • avatar

        Monica M March 15, 2012, 7:29 pm

        Glad someone agrees. I was confused no one thought it was rude for him to offer that.

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      • avatar

        britannia March 16, 2012, 1:40 am

        Well, that’s what he THOUGHT was going on. But it wasn’t, so he clarified and then asked if they could continue doing what he thought they were doing. It’s not his fault that she thought he was dating for marriage.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny March 15, 2012, 8:40 pm

        I agree too. He rejects her but still wants her to stick around for dating/sex. (He wants to have his cake and eat it too?)

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      • avatar

        rob ottapocalypse March 15, 2012, 9:49 pm

        ever think she’s not telling the whole story? Has anybody considered that he may be into her, but she may still be talking way too much about her ex for him to feel like anything but a rebound?

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      • landygirl

        landygirl March 15, 2012, 11:59 pm

        That didn’t stop him from sleeping with her.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed March 16, 2012, 1:15 am

        so? If it’s just a rebound for her, or appeared to be that way and he was okay sleeping with her even if he did have feelings for her, why would that be a bad thing?

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      • avatar

        britannia March 16, 2012, 1:41 am

        Obviously she was okay with him sleeping with her, especially since they started being intimate right away.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 16, 2012, 12:10 pm

        But he was honest with her about his “intentions”, so to speak.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl March 16, 2012, 4:52 pm

        Only after the fact.

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  • avatar

    SiSisodaPop March 15, 2012, 3:56 pm

    Sometimes you start dating someone, and you click right away. But after getting to know them better after a few months you decide that they’re just not right for you, for whatever reason. No one is to blame. Doesn’t make him a bad person, doesn’t make you a bad person. These things happen. At least he was grown up enough to end it when he realized that it just wasn’t working for him, rather than stringing you along endlessly. And mature enough to be direct about how he felt rather than playing some weird game, like treating you badly to get you to break it off instead. I know rejection, even in a mild form, hurts. But you will get past this. Good Luck!

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG March 15, 2012, 3:59 pm

    I agree with Wendy… that sometimes things just don’t work. Just don’t let this hurt your self-esteem. His being on a different page than you doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. So much of the development of a long-term “serious” relationship is pure LUCK. Unfortunately, all factors really do have to just align sometimes. And you don’t know what went on in the back of his head or in his life for him to decide the two of you are a no go. He was nice to you because that’s how you treat another human being and maybe because at one point he DID see a future with you. Whatever the case, he does not see a future now. So, there is not a thing you can do. Accept that.

    Respect his honesty- while it hurts (sometimes) to be told that someone wants nothing more from you than sex… at least he is being truthful about it. Whatever you do- don’t tell him how fucking miserable you are. You will only look back at it afterward and CRINGE if not lead to you being back in bed with him… still no future in sight. You did the right thing by telling him you didn’t want to have sex with him, being that you had such strong feelings. It was the smart and strong thing to do. So, stick to your guns!

    It sucks to feel “fucking miserable”. And I think most of us have been there. My heart goes out to you. I don’t think this guy is necessarily an asshole, but if it helps for you to think of him that way for a bit- do it! It might be healing for you to stop pining away for him and realize all the reasons he never would have worked for you. And after you’ve mourned what could have been- you will move on. Good luck!

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    • avatar

      Samantha March 15, 2012, 5:13 pm

      Very well-said, SweetPeaG.
      LW, my heart goes out to you. This relationship didn’t work out, and most people’s first instinct, including yours, is to want know what we did wrong, to fix it. But it sounds like both you and this guy are good people with different expectations. The misery will pass. And you now have the knowledge that you attract honest people – that means when you do date again, if the timing is right, there’s so much hope. I hope that makes sense, but seriously, your letter was really sane, rational, and you’re doing the right things so far by breaking it off when he told you the truth about the relationship. I hope you have the strength to keep making good choices.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary March 15, 2012, 4:01 pm

    I totally agree with Wendy’s advice that even if you wern’t technically in a relationship for the last two months it doesn’t mean you meant nothing to him, he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. Which is OK. Maybe he is seeing that you two aren’t meant to be each other. Maybe he is right that this was a rebound which is why you want it so desperately to work, because the last relationship didn’t. Just slow down and take a breather for a second.

    And no, there is not chance this guy wants to be with you but won’t commit. If a guy wants to be with you he will be with you. Sometimes we meet people and have very intense and passionate relationships with them, but a lot of times those flames burn out fast. Appreciate it for what it was and try to move on.

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  • avatar

    Fabelle March 15, 2012, 4:04 pm

    LW– Wendy’s advice is so on-point, seriously.

    I just want to add that although I’m sorry you’re feeling so miserable, this letter is kind of refreshing– it seems like both you & this guy actually did the right thing. Instead of stringing you along, he was honest and said he couldn’t see a future with you. And Instead of you continuing to sleep with him in hopes of changing his mind, you decided to check out. This is a pretty good ending! So don’t trip yourself up by calling him or whatever just to say how fucking miserable you are.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow March 15, 2012, 4:40 pm

      Yep!

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    • landygirl

      landygirl March 15, 2012, 5:11 pm

      He said he knew from the beginning that it was a rebound and it wouldn’t last. I fail to understand why he would pursue someone he saw no future with in the first place.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 15, 2012, 6:18 pm

        Not everybody dates with marriage as the end-goal.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy March 15, 2012, 6:42 pm

        Hey, CatsMeow, look for an email from me. I have something (off-topic) I wanted to talk with you about. I sent it to the email address that you used when you registered to comment, so if that isn’t one you use, would you mind emailing me (wendyATdearwendy.com). Thank you!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 15, 2012, 6:49 pm

        Got it! 🙂

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      • landygirl

        landygirl March 15, 2012, 6:53 pm

        I didn’t imply that marriage was a goal but he seems to have not been open to anything other than sexy times. If he’d have been forthright about that from the beginning then she could have approached the relationship differently.

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      • avatar

        Monica M March 15, 2012, 7:38 pm

        Yes, he seems to have led her on, they were exclusive and he introduced her to his friends.

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      • avatar

        britannia March 16, 2012, 1:43 am

        So? He took her out, treated her like a human being instead of just a resource for sex, and respected her enough to be sexually monogamous. He never once told her that he was looking to get serious or that he had feelings for her. It was all assumption on her part.

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      • avatar

        Monica M March 16, 2012, 10:12 am

        All I am saying is that I understand why she would be confused and hurt. It seemed to me people were not validating her feelings. You say she made unsubstantiated assumptions I say he didn’t communicate his intentions towards her. Plus it is alright for her to go into the relationship and realize it was a rebound. For him to go into the relationship with his assumption that she was rebounding is wrong. I am not saying he is a terrible person but I feel the LW is justified in being hurt. From what she described they were in a relationship. He didn’t tell her “Hey, I’ll be your rebound.” I think the number one rule when someone decides to have a FWB or strictly sexual relationship it needs to be communicated. Because from the outside a FWB has all the characteristics of a relationship. Your are friends who do things alone and with friends and you sleep with each other…sounds a lot like a relationship. This was a “where is this relationship going” conversation where he said it would be going nowhere. I’m cool with that. The part I think is hurtful is that he then told her he never saw it going anywhere and failed to tell her that. Then added insult to injury and said but “hey even though I know you see a future and I don’t lets still date and fuck.” It’s that last part that is insulting to the LW. The really important thing to note in that part is that he is not asking her to continue in a FWB situation he still wants to date. That would confuse me.

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  • avatar

    cporoski March 15, 2012, 4:23 pm

    Wendy is totally right.

    LW – I have to ask what you think the point of dating is? In my opinion, the whole point of dating is to get to know someone. So he wasn’t feeling a long term thing so he should treat you like a whore? This seems so wierd to me.

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    • avatar

      britannia March 16, 2012, 1:44 am

      That’s honestly what I got from this letter, too – that she expected booty calls to only ever treat a girl like shit. That really makes it hard on decent guys who want a sexual relationship without being jerks.

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  • Shell

    Shell March 15, 2012, 4:25 pm

    Particularly agree with Wendy on the break & reboot. It’s worth considering that he felt you were not ready for a relationship based on a recent ending of a long term relationship. It’s possible you may not yet have healed from the last relationship and were more surprised and flattered by the positive attention that you received than perhaps you would have been after more distance from your previous relationship. I support ReginaRey’s advice to try to learn from these experiences – the hurt will subside and things can only go up from here. Best of luck!

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  • avatar

    EricaSwagger March 15, 2012, 3:38 pm

    Sometimes relationships just don’t turn out how you want them to. Sometimes you can try really hard to like someone, but you just… don’t.

    This guy probably wanted to like you, he probably thought the same things you thought at first. The sex was great, he was instantly comfortable around you, he liked you enough to take you out on dates instead of just making it a booty call. These are all really great things to have with a guy, even if they don’t last.

    He just didn’t like you enough. He can’t help it, and neither can you. At least he was honest with you instead of just turning into a jerk who kept hanging out with you just to have sex. And at least you had those two months.

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  • avatar

    SherBear March 15, 2012, 4:39 pm

    The only other option for this guy would have been stringing you along for months and then not being able to commit – this is a much better way to ripe off the bandage. Two months really isn’t that long – and it’s a good length of time to assess the person who you are dating. Unfortunately he got the vibe that you wanted more but couldn’t give that to you. Maybe in 6 months/a year he will change his mind, but for now he needs his time to be his own person. My advise to you moving forward would be try and hold back a bit at the beginning of a relationship – and if you aren’t into casual sex than don’t sleep with a guy until you are “official” .

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow March 15, 2012, 4:39 pm

    Ouch. My boyfriend of 1 year recently broke up with me because he didn’t see a “future” with me. I just keep telling myself what Wendy said to you. It hurts, but you’ll start to feel better soon.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow March 15, 2012, 6:04 pm

      Oh, and if you’re wondering – I’m grateful that once he realized we had an expiration date, he let me know so I could move on instead of stringing me along indefinitely.

      Don’t get me wrong, I’m still upset about it. But each day gets easier, and I just keep reminding myself that it’s for the best in the long run.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray March 15, 2012, 6:52 pm

        I’ve been wondering how you’re doing. Are you keeping busy? Trying new things?

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 16, 2012, 10:30 am

        Yeah. I’m doing MUCH better. I do belly dance 2 or 3 times a week, and I’ve been exercising on top of that, plus I have a lot of fun stuff planned for the near future. I’m done with the wine and crying every night, haha.

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    • avatar

      iseeshiny March 16, 2012, 10:52 am

      What? What? When did this happen???

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 16, 2012, 11:32 am

        Just a couple weeks ago. 🙁

        Haha, I’m surprised you didn’t see my whiny forum thread. I was a mess for a while.

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny March 16, 2012, 4:24 pm

        I’ve been off Dear Wendy for a little while – work exploded all over my life. I’m so sad for you 🙁 Let me know if there’s anything you need. Like for reals.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ March 15, 2012, 3:40 pm

    Have to agree with Wendy here. He felt that you needed space to be single and find yourself as an individual. To me, that’s not making him an asshole. You may not be able to see it right now, but it doesn’t make you an idiot. A little confused, hurt, and definitely rebounding, yes, but not an idiot.

    This guy did you a favor. Be grateful, and who knows, you two could be on the same page someday. Today just isn’t it.

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    • Leroy

      Leroy March 15, 2012, 4:14 pm

      I don’t think that she’s an idiot either. What may have happened here is that he went into this with the expectation that she saw it as a rebound and that framed his perspective as well.

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    • Moneypenny

      Moneypenny March 15, 2012, 4:58 pm

      One thing I’ve learned it, like it or not, timing is so so important. It sounds like this just isn’t a good time for the two of them, even though she wants it to be that way.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny March 15, 2012, 4:59 pm

        oops, typo- “One thing I’ve learned *is*…

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      • Lili

        Lili March 15, 2012, 5:33 pm

        I think timing is one of my worst enemies. I keep waiting for the awareness stick to hit these guys I like, but in the end the stick just keeps hitting me that its not the right time.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny March 15, 2012, 8:31 pm

        Haha! Oh I feel the same way. This has been the case so many times for me. Such a frustrating lesson to learn.

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  • avatar

    acastil5 March 15, 2012, 4:46 pm

    Sometimes messages get crossed. I recently broke up with my boyfriend after a stupid fight. I called him three days later to apologize and (hopefully) make up. We both said we were sorry and started texting and calling each other. I thought we were back together, and he finally told me a about two weeks afterwards that he didn’t consider us a couple. I was treating him like my boyfriend again, while…well I’m not sure what he was doing. But, I knew he was acting different, I just didn’t know the right question to ask was, “Hey were together right?” I asked, “Are you still upset with me?” So it happens. After he sat me down and explained, I knew how to proceed. At least this guy did that with you, and you know where you stand.

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    • avatar

      sarolabelle March 16, 2012, 12:35 am

      so are y’all together now or not?

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  • Jess

    Jess of CGW March 15, 2012, 5:00 pm

    LW, everything Wendy said is true. I just wanted to add that, it really does suck. And it’s ok and normal that you feel really hurt and duped and sh*tty. If you have a real heart, being rejected always hurts.

    Distract yourself, get back in touch with what is awesome about you, think hard on the qualities you really want in a long-term partner, and remember that with the right guy the deep feelings and the excitement will be mutual. He’s out there 🙂

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  • landygirl

    landygirl March 15, 2012, 5:09 pm

    Meh, he might have not had ill intentions, but the minute he asked to be her FWB it changed everything. He said he knew right from the start that this wouldn’t lead to anything yet pursued a physical relationship with her. Yes, the LW moved too quickly and expected too much too soon, but the guy took advantage of her at the same time. If he knew it wouldn’t go anywhere, he should have stated that at the beginning and then maybe she wouldn’t have slept with him. Then again, if he said anything, she wouldn’t have slept with him and that’s clearly what he wanted.

    What it comes down to is that you should put throught into whether you should jump into the sack with someone you don’t know well, especially if you work with them. Hormones never make logical, well thought out choices.

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    • meadowphoenix

      Meadowphoenix March 15, 2012, 10:04 pm

      I don’t think he was leading her on, so much as assuming they were on the same page. I agree that if he thought she thought it was serious that was a problem. But it seems to me that he thought they both thought it was a rebound. Communication was key, and he should have communicated with her, but that goes both ways. She should have told him she was looking for something serious at the beginning too.

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      • avatar

        britannia March 16, 2012, 1:44 am

        I agree completely. Being honest from the get-go about what she was looking for would have made this problem never happen.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl March 16, 2012, 10:53 am

        The same can be said about him. He knew he wouldn’t get serious with her but didn’t think to ask what she was looking for.

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      • avatar

        Britannia March 16, 2012, 2:19 pm

        They hadn’t had “the talk” yet. That’s where the majority of men decide that the defining of the relationship happens, and up until then it’s assumed that either of them can walk away at any time and that developing feelings is not an expectation. At least, that’s what my experience with men has been. Since she was freshly out of a serious relationship, it makes sense from the average person’s perspective that she wasn’t looking to jump right back in to something serious. It’s not weird at all that he wasn’t expecting her to get serious about him.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny March 15, 2012, 5:15 pm

    Oof, I’m sorry the LW is feeling this way. But I pretty much echo what Wendy and others have said. It didn’t mean absolutely nothing, even though it might seem like, “what was the point of that?” The relationship you had with him worked, for two months, until it didn’t for whatever reason he felt it was. I think it’s great that he actually told you what he was feeling, as opposed to stringing you along further, or pulling away slowly until he disappears completely (ghosting, ugh). It sounds like he just didn’t want the same things you did, but please don’t think that the whole time you spent together was for nothing. If anything, you had a great time, meeting new people, having fun experiences, having great sex…
    I like to tell myself that for every failure, I am one step closer to success. (Fingers crossed that this turns out to be true!)

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  • avatar

    YouGoGirl March 15, 2012, 5:20 pm

    I recently broke up with a kind, decent man who treated me well. We dated 6 years in a long-term relationship. I had begun to be concerned about areas of incompatiability that made me question the long-term possibility of our relationship. For example, he was pretty sarcastic and had a very dry sense of humor. I have trouble dealing with sarcasm when it is not obvious and I was very frustrated because I could never understand his jokes. A neat, pretty home is important to me but his house needs a lot of fixing up and I began to realize he does not think this is a priority. He also worked long hours at three jobs and Boy Scouts even though he does not need the money. I finally realized he did not want to cut back his committments for our relationship.

    We really liked each other a lot and had a great time whenever we saw each other. The sex was great too. I learned a lot from him. I still care for him a lot and value our time together, but these incompatiabilities would have eventually eroded the good will we had for each other. The LW is probably in a similar situation. Her boyfriend cares for her a lot , but he cannot see a long-term future with her because he sees problems and areas of incompatiability that would hinder a long-term relationship.

    LW, there is nothing wrong with you or him. You and your boyfriend are not bad people, you just did not fit together even though he did not articulate this very well to you. I know this hurts a lot, but hang in there. You will feel better in a few months. Meanwhile, you can assuage your grief by developing new interests and hobbies of your own.

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    • Lili

      Lili March 15, 2012, 5:30 pm

      You said it all so perfectly!

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    • landygirl

      landygirl March 15, 2012, 7:21 pm

      She didn’t fit into his future plans but he still wants to sleep with her. Sorry, I don’t like how the guy operates.

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      • avatar

        Britannia March 16, 2012, 2:21 pm

        How do you think men end up having more than a handful of sex partners if they don’t have more than a handful of serious relationships? There is nothing wrong with being in a monogamous but not emotionally charged sexual relationship.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl March 18, 2012, 4:01 pm

        If it agreed upon at the outset of the relationship, not after the fact.

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  • avatar

    Monica M March 15, 2012, 7:07 pm

    He didn’t call it off. He still wants to date and have sex.

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    • avatar

      Monica M March 15, 2012, 7:15 pm

      Oops,replying elsewhere. Flashing add made replying on iPhone problematic.

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  • avatar

    jaybro March 15, 2012, 10:46 pm

    Like Wendy said, just because you’re not officially bf/gf doesn’t mean you mean nothing to him. Or that the experience meant nothing to him. And you know what you could do (since you seem a bit confused)? Is ask him what type of relationship he wants from you right now. There is a spectrum of things between “going steady” (lol) and “booty call”. If it’s not what you want, then you gotta move on. And it sucks, yeah. Don’t stick around and wait for him to change his mind. But just understanding his intention/feelings may help you move on.

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  • avatar

    Jill March 16, 2012, 12:00 am

    I’m with a few others here — he’s acting like a jerk if knows about her feelings yet still dangles the “but we can date and have sex” option. I find it incredibly disrespectful. He doesn’t see a future so let her go. Stand firm, LW1. Cut off contact.

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger March 16, 2012, 10:30 am

      See, i think it is totally fair. How paternalistic and condecending would it be for him to “withhold” the date and have sex option because she has feelings for him? I think that you are right when you see Person A totally falling for Person B, and Person B knows it, but is unwilling to man or woman up and set Person A straight, because Person B likes having an SO, genuinely likes Person A but not for the long haul and isn’t willing to risk Person A totally calling it quits, or some other reason. That’s jerky. But when Person B is totally straight with Person A about how they (person B) feel and what they’d like, its up to Person A to make the decision for themselves. Which LW did, to her credit.

      I feel like this is exactly the way it was supposed to go down. I am still a little unclear whether or not when homeboy said he thought it was a rebound from the beginning – that was in reference to or HIM or for her. (Assuming he didn’t just get out of a long relationship, I don’t see how it would be a rebound for him. “Fling” would be more appropriate.)

      After two months of hanging out, meeting friends, having great, respectful sex, he took stock of where they were and told her his feelings (he liked her but didn’t see it going anywhere long term) and preferences (continue dating the way they were). She did the same (I like you and um, no thanks). Do not get me wrong, that is not to minimalize the fact that it blows for LW. But there really was absolutely nothing jerky on his part or stupid/avoidable on her end. They couldn’t have been more honest upfront because neither knew what they wanted from the other person upfront (even when you say you don’t want anything serious, you never really know until you’re in it. 2 months is a short enough time period that the conversation they had really was pretty “upfront”).

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow March 16, 2012, 10:33 am

        I completely agree with you. I think they both did the right thing, given the circumstances.

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        Britannia March 16, 2012, 2:22 pm

        6napkin, THANK YOU. 🙂 This is exactly what I see the whole, unbiased situation being. This guy was actually much more respectful than the average guy in an NSA-type relationship. He showed her that he appreciated her, that she had worth as a person, and he romanced her a little bit. This guy should give lessons to college dudes!

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  • kare

    Kare March 16, 2012, 1:13 am

    Not related to this at all, but I’m still confused about the forum. I tried to create an account, but I can’t use the same name. Do I just switch names? Did I do something wrong?

    Oh and sometimes there’s a random x appearing on the page…anyone else see it?

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Eagle Eye March 16, 2012, 9:40 am

      yep, I see it too

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  • avatar

    rob ottapocalypse March 16, 2012, 2:24 pm

    Has anybody ever thought about the possibility that SHE may not be ready for a relationship, and that SHE may have been spending so much time going on and on about her ex that HE decided to back off? If he’s treating her well and obviously interested yet clearly regards himself as a rebound, SHE should be asking herself why he only viewed himself as a rebound, now why he would treat her with human dignity.

    Perhaps she didn’t treat him with the dignity he deserved as a fitting suitor. Her propensity to view poor treatment as the norm would lead me to think this way.

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    • avatar

      Britannia March 16, 2012, 2:32 pm

      I agree with you completely.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow March 16, 2012, 2:33 pm

        Yeah, me too.

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