Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Would You Have Sex in the Same Bed Your Baby’s Sleeping In?

One of the hallmarks of attachment parenting, a child-rearing practice that is enjoying its moment in the sun, is co-sleeping. If you live in Brooklyn like I do — or some other similarly progressive community with lots of yuppie/hipster types – and you have friends with kids, you’ve probably heard about how these new parents keep their babies in their beds for many months. Personally, I couldn’t care less what goes on in other people’s bedrooms, but I’d be a nervous wreck sharing a bed with a baby. Drew and I did, however, keep Jackson in our room until he was about three months old, and let me tell you, even if I’d felt like getting frisky — and for those of you women who have had babies, you know that sex isn’t exactly top on your list of priorities in that initial post-partum period — I’d have — did have — a hard time getting past the fact that our little baby was within feet of us. Talk about an instant mood-killer.

But, apparently, lots of people don’t share my view. In fact, a recent study suggests that 59% of Americans report having had sex in the same room as their children, and in Sweden, a third of couples have sex when their babies are in the same bed. Not surprisingly, this has some people up in arms, with shouts of “child abuse” even being thrown about. This article in the Daily Mail summarizes a pretty humorous discussion on a European morning talk show between two women on opposite sides of the argument. Some highlights:

“I co-slept with both my children and breastfed them until they were between nine and 12 months,” said ‘Lynnea.’ “If the baby woke up I would roll over and breastfeed, and then go back to sleep. Occasionally if my husband and I felt like kissing or making love, we did it. It would always be an intimate and passionate act. It wasn’t this noisy, wild act of sex that I think some people are imagining. It was a very calm and loving, natural thing – especially given that there was a baby in the room. […] “I don’t moan and groan my way through my lovemaking. It’s a peaceful and calm moment.”

“Sonia” argues: “There are issues with the vibrations. The vibration and rocking that the children can feel.”

Lynnea counters: That’s hogwash. There are all sorts of toys available out there which rock and vibrate our children so we can finish doing the washing up. The vibrations do no harm.”

It goes on and on and concludes with Sonia saying she’s only every known one couple who admitted to having sex while their baby was in the same room, so she can’t believe 59% of American couples report doing it in the same room as their kid.

Where do you fall on the issue? Would you have sex while your baby was in the same room? Do you draw the line at sexing it up while a baby is in your bed? Or are you cool with that?

[via Daily Mail]

199 comments… add one
  • avatar

    cdobbs June 27, 2012, 3:15 pm

    I don’t have kids but I know I couldn’t even be naked in the same room as my dog…and definitely not have sex in the same room as my dog…thats probably very strange to some people…I know I wouldn’t have sex with a baby in the room though…just does not seem right?

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  • avatar

    ele4phant June 27, 2012, 3:16 pm

    I am not a parent, so I my opinion doesn’t count for too much and I may one day eat my words…..but co-sleeping in and of itself itself sounds like a nightmare I have no interest in. So does having sex in front of your infant, much less your two year old.

    I don’t think it would be damaging at all for the child, particulary if they never walk up, but I agree with you Wendy, I don’t see how it could blet myself go enough knowing my child was a few feet away. Once my cat walked in on us in the act, and that was disturbing. I mean, he’s a cat, he didn’t care one way or the other, but it sure grossed me out to know he’d been watching.

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  • Budj

    Budj June 27, 2012, 3:16 pm

    no.

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  • avatar

    Lydia June 27, 2012, 3:18 pm

    Considering Sonia’s attitude, I’m not surprised that only one couple has “admitted” to her that they had sex while their kid was in the same room.

    I don’t think I would do it personally but I see no harm in others doing it either – especially not in those early years when the kids don’t know what’s going on anyway. If your kids are tweens or teenagers it’s obviously different, but what harm can it really do to a baby?

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  • JK

    JK June 27, 2012, 3:19 pm

    We cosleep, but the baby usually starts off in her own bed, so we take advantage of those few hours. 😉
    We did used to have sex when the girls were sleeping in the same room as us(in their cot- the ledest til 6 months, the youngest til 3), they always slept through it.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:30 pm

      Uh oh, now I feel bad for my comment. I love you JK and think that from what I know of you, you’re doing parenting right. Weird that we have such different views on this.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:50 pm

        Another thing I guess I’m neglecting to consider is that I never had an opportunity to even consider sex in the same bed, room or country for that matter since I was single! So what do I know.

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    • JK

      JK June 27, 2012, 3:55 pm

      IN CASE I DIDN´T EXPLAIN MYSELF PROPERLY: SEX IN THE SAME ROOM, NOT THE SAME BED. 🙂

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl June 27, 2012, 3:25 pm

    I know a few friends and family members who are HUGE advocates of co-sleeping. Personally, I don’t think it’s for me. I have not had children, but my fiance and cat already take up enough of our bed- I do not need to add an infant in there too!! I imagine we’ll do something similar to Wendy, a bassinet in the room for the first few months then transition to a crib in the nursery. I am known to sleep like I’m dead sometimes so I would be concerned I would roll over on the babe, how tragic would that be? I will take a nap with all most any infant who wants to snuggle for 30 minutes or so…

    I saw once this attachment, so to speak, for your bed that made a platform/mini crib thing for you baby. So you were all on the same level and with in arms reach but not technically co-sleeping. Seemed interesting.

    Also, I would not have sex with my child in the same bed. Same room and under the age of 2- probably. But the same bed is just too close for me. We can’t even do it with the cat on the bed! It feels like he is judging!

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    • avatar

      va-in-ny June 27, 2012, 3:45 pm

      I read an article recently about a family who had TWO infants die from being smothered by a parent that rolled over while co-sleeping. I can’t imagine the heartache of it happening once, much less it happening again with a second child years later.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 3:54 pm

        I´ve heard of that happening, I really don´t know how (unless the parent were drunk or something), I´ve never even come close to rolling on top of either girl.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:14 pm

        Thinking of it more, I remember being scared she’d wake up and get out of bed before me and get hurt. I guess this only applies to toddlers though.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:16 pm

        The other day I got such a fright, the one year old was sleeping in my bed with a barricade of pillows around her, I was outside, I came back in and she was in the living room! It was the first time she got out of the bed by herself, she usually calls for me.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant June 27, 2012, 4:22 pm

        I recall hearing this too. But if we are referring to the same instance, I believe the mother had been on a sleep pill of some sort, which I think is patently advised against.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:27 pm

    Its weird to me that not too long ago, it was considered highly dangerous to sleep in bed with your kid, and now its suggested. Anyway, while I can’t say its child abuse, I find it disgusting at the very least. Hopefully since they’re so young, they won’t remember or be scared by it.
    I can’t be the only one who once heard mom and pop getting busy and cringes at the thought of it still.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:30 pm

      By it I mean sex, not co-sleeping.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 3:36 pm

        Yeah, I like cosleeping (at least more than I do having to get up 10 times a night), but sex in the same bed would creep me out. Maybe I didnpt make it clear enough in my original post,we only have sex when the baby is in her bed (and before, when she was fast asleep in her bassinet beside the bed)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:48 pm

        Now that my daughter is older (aka big enough for me to not accidently crush bc I’m a heavy sleeper), I love sharing a bed with her. Unfortunately, she moves around a lot so we don’t really do that anymore. For the first 4ish years of her life, we shared a room which I still miss doing.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 3:52 pm

        Both of mine are terrible sleepers, the 4 year old just started sleeping throught the night most nights last year.Before I would try to get her to sleep and take her back to her bed, but now i need all the sleep I can get, much easier to just put them in bed with me (and they fall back to sleep straight away). Plus the 1 year old is still breastfeeding, and it´s so much easier doing that then trying to stay awake!
        It is uncomofrtable sometimes though, when both girls end up in my bed my husband usually leaves, we´re both quite tall, and the girls are both restless sleepers, they usually end up with their heads where their feet were!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:55 pm

        Of course you are both tall. I wish you could see the image of have of both of you in my head.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:04 pm

        I wish I could too.
        For the record, my husband looks a lot like George Clooney, and I´m often confused on the street for Scarlett Johanssen. 😀

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:12 pm

        …with dark red hair.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:12 pm

        and more of a Clooney/Antonio Bandares mix.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:15 pm

        Hey, will you to cut this bonding shit out? I’m trying to write an article about FMLA abuse.

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    • becboo84

      BecBoo84 June 27, 2012, 4:27 pm

      Co sleeping is still not “suggested” by the AAP, but it has gathered favor in a lot of parenting circles. Take a look at the ad campaign against it in Milwaukee where there have been a large number of deaths caused by unsafe bed sharing, and you’ll see it’s still not too supported in the mainstream.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 27, 2012, 3:29 pm

    No. Honestly, I don’t think I could, ahem, rise to the occasion… Just too weird. Too creepy!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle June 27, 2012, 3:29 pm

    A radio show was discussing this one morning as I was flipping through– EVERYONE who called in said this is something they’ve done! I mean, I guess it makes sense? You can keep the baby within eyesight, have sex, & it’s not like the baby will know/remember…but definitely kind of freaky. I prrrobably wouldn’t do it.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark June 27, 2012, 3:46 pm

      There is a big difference between in eyesight and in the same bed.

      Honestly, I’d be afraid that we’d get too crazy and the baby would bounce clear across the room… actually that would be a great scene in a Ben Stiller movie. Mom and Dad getting it on and —- BOING!! — the baby just goes flying… 🙂

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:49 pm

        Visual of the Day!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark June 27, 2012, 3:53 pm

        Since it’s a comedy — meaning the hapless baby can’t get hurt, and those flicks are all about maximizing sheer and totaly humiliation… at the last possible second somebody, say the parent, say Robert DeNiro, bursts in just in time to catch the airborne infant… Hilarity ensues!!!

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  • avatar

    Lindsay June 27, 2012, 3:30 pm

    I don’t have kids. I wouldn’t have sex with them in my bed, because that would feel weird to me and seems unsafe. Though, I would also not participate in co-sleeping for those same reasons. As for the same room, I don’t think it matters. I assume they are referring to infants, who wouldn’t know or care what you were doing. Plenty of people talk about things in front of their babies that they wouldn’t talk about if they were old enough to understand. Maybe if I had a baby and therefore thought of it as a person with a name and personality, it might weird me out, but it’s hard to imagine right now. Either way, I don’t think it’s anything other than a couple’s personal choice.

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  • Leroy

    Leroy June 27, 2012, 3:51 pm

    Room fine, bed no. The vibrations will loosen the baby’s teeth and make their eyes go googly.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 3:53 pm

    What all does attachment parenting involve? Apparently it’s co-sleeping, and like… carrying the kid around everywhere? What else?

    Anyway, I also can’t imagine having sex with a baby IN THE BED because I’m usually kinda all over the place during sex. You know? I think I’d be concerned for the baby’s safety, as others have pointed out. But maybe if it was just kinda lazy gentle sex and the baby was way too young to ever comprehend or remember?……..Well, again, I think I’d be too focused on not hurting the baby to enjoy sex, but I suppose there’s nothing inherently “wrong” with it.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 3:56 pm

      Bird feeding.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 3:59 pm

        Can we bond over something funny again today like we did engagement chicken yesterday? Mostly because it was so hilarious and entertaining but also because it made AP a teeny bit jealous. And thats always fun 😉

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:02 pm

        Poor AP. Maybe we can shorten Attachment Parenting to AP for this thread, so she´ll feel special. 🙂

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:05 pm

        Done.

        So, I don’t AP is good. AT ALL.

        *(not really, I know nothing about it, I just wanted to write that sentence and see if it got her attention)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:08 pm

        Whether I think its wacky or great, at its core its just parents trying to do what they think is best for their kids. I applaud that.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:11 pm

        I agree. YaY to more people putting thought and effort into what kind of parents they want to be 🙂

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:14 pm

        Exactly. No parenting method (except for that crazy one that was in the news a while back wher eyou had to whip your kids and lock them up) is bad, every parent should do what works for them. And not listen to the people that tell them they´re wrong (like my sister screaming at me because I refused to use Cry It Out with my eldest).

        That being said. I THINK AP IS AWESOME!!! 😉

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:24 pm

        AP *is* AWESOME! … Unless we’re still using AP for Attachment Parenting, in which case I know nothing.

        Yes, I’m confused. And jealous by all the bonding. Happy now, Lili-pants!?

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:28 pm

        I just missed you and knew the way to get you back was to make outlandish statements.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:32 pm

        It’s true. You could probably just write ADDIE ADDIE ADDIE ADDIE and I’d find you. Too bad there’s not a way to search for me. I’m feeling very vain right now. I’ll blame you, Lili-pants. (That, by the way, is your new nickname. It’s official.)

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:35 pm

        Lame nickname, if you ask me.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:35 pm

        If I stand in the dark in front of a mirror (drunk cuz, um its the AP way right) late at night and say Addie Pray Addie Pray Addie Pray at the top of my lungs will you appear and refill my empty wine glass through the mirror?

        Cuz I am SO doing that tonight if its true.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:40 pm

        Don’t listen to lets_be_honest, Lili. Lili-pants is an adorable nickname, and she is jealous that “lets_be_honest-pants” doesn’t sound as adorable.

        lbh, your nickname is… I’m still thinking.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:16 pm

        OHH yeah what’s with the bird feeding? Is that really an AP thing? (;))

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:19 pm

        Good One!

        AP likes to feed kids her own chewed up food, like a baby Bird. Alicia Silverstone style 🙂

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:26 pm

        Dude, kids form lines to get my chewed up food. I’m that popular with kids.

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    • JK

      JK June 27, 2012, 4:00 pm

      I know it also includes extended breastfeeding. And Mayim Bialik (a big supporter of attachment parenting) does something called elimination communication, where the baby doesn´t wear diapers, but the parent sits him/her on the potty in response to signals (from like newborn). But I´m not sure if that´s necessarily a part of the parenting method.
      I haven´t read terribly much on Attachment Parenting (I was going to put AP, but didn´t want to confuse her) but I do some of the things with my daughters. NOt elimination communication that sounds too complicated. 🙂

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl June 27, 2012, 4:05 pm

        I’ve got a friend who tried the elimination communcation or what ever and had zero luck. Cloth diapers are good enough for me!

        I believe baby wearing falls under attachment parenting. Obviously not all of the time but I think it’s something that is highly encourage in the community (or whatever).

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:08 pm

        True. I found it really uncomfortable, it KILLED my back. I do have them a lot of time in my arms/lap though.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:10 pm

        Yea, back killer for sure.
        A friend of mine, who I consider a great mom, didn’t want to waste diapers I guess and holds her baby over the toilet and it actually works! Not all the time, but a lot.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:17 pm

        I’m as pro environmentally conscious as they come, But the thought of dealing with poop encrusted cloth diapers makes me gag and almost puke out my lunch. I’ll be using disposables when the time comes thankyouverymuch!

        Or should I just hope my gag reflex calms down a bit? Sigh, another reminder why I admire mothers so much. I just dont know how I’ll deal with all my gag hangups when a baby is in the pic!

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:21 pm

        I use disposable diapers, the ones they have now are really different than the older ones, they´re like papery, not plastic. Seriously, I think they might be a bit more environmentally friendly than cloth ones, having to wash them so often. And honestly, if you have a break with a baby the last thing you want to do is scrape, rinse, soak, wash cloth diapers.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:22 pm

        For the 1st few months (usually around 6, when the baby is exclusively bottle/breastfed) the poop is actually quite sweet smelling. It´s once they start mixing it up with veges and esp. meat that it starts smelling like, well, crap.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:25 pm

        Thanks for all the parenting insider info JK! I’ll admit the last time I was near a diaper willingly was my for my sister (who is 19 now!) I may have changed a friend’s kid here or there but that was unwillingly and I’m prolly blocking it out.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:26 pm

        And yes, I was 7-8 yrs old when I changed my sister’s diapers while watching her. My sister was–and still is! my most favorite person, so watching her and feeding/changing her was the highlight of my little life 🙂

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:30 pm

        You´re more than welcome 🙂
        Of course it´s not like I know everything, but finally a topic I know something about on DW!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:24 pm

        DUDE. Me too! I have to fight my gag reflex just watching a baby DROOL. Saliva grosses me out.

        Are there any recyclable disposable diapers on the market? Maybe they should work on that as an environmentally friendly compromise for those who gag at the thought of cloth diapers.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:26 pm

        Or maybe they could make some with built-in odor control, like kitty litter.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:31 pm

        I’d be on board with that. BTW, speaking of diapers, what do they do about odor in adult diapers? Like they must have SOMETHING in it right, or is that the reason old people smell funny–its all urine smells. Or GAG–worse…Seriously trying to not barf right now.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:34 pm

        Ugh adult diapers are awful. And the cheapest ones are just like a plstic sheet with cotton wool on them. The smell is disgusting.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:35 pm

        They could use that activated carbon stuff like for the fart filters (in underwear, etc)

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:37 pm

        WHAT. ARE. FART.FILTERS?!!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:37 pm

        Yeah! I think we’re onto something. Recyclable, disposable baby and adult diapers with carbon fart filters.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:37 pm

        Sorry to be so dramatic with the all caps, just the thought they exist blew my mind with possibility

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:38 pm

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:38 pm

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:39 pm

        Guess who found a new website to window shop at!!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:39 pm

        And apparently TWO of you are quite familiar with them!

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:40 pm

        @catsmeow jinx! Are you another FJL perchance?

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:51 pm

        I’ve never used a fart filter, but I probably should sometimes.

        Actually, since I started taking probiotics I’ve been WAYYYY less gassy.

        I think fart filters would come in handy sometimes, but what would I have to do? Just carry one with me all the time “just in case”? Or what if I’m wearing a thong? I don’t think that thing will work in a thong.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:51 pm

        Wait, what’s FJL?

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:53 pm

        Fart Filters. Teehee. I’m giggling. Mostly because I say the words in my head with a Downton Cousin Violet accent. Like Oh pardon me, I forgot to wear my fart filter this morrow.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:54 pm

        Fat Jealous Loser (regresty fans). I first saw that website on regretsy, that´s why I asked. 🙂

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:55 pm

        I´m not actually sure the proper name of them. But I guess fart filter gets the point across!

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:56 pm

        @lili and catsmeow we should totally patent this idea.
        @AP talk to your hot IP attorney coworker about it! 😀

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:39 pm

        There are cloth diaper services. They take nasty ones and deliver you clean ones.

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        painted_lady June 27, 2012, 10:51 pm

        I’m sure that’s a job people are lining up around the block for.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant June 27, 2012, 4:39 pm

        Isn’t there a hybrid? Like the diaper is cloth, but there’s an disposable insert (a pad basically).

        And I think they make decompastable diapers too, but they’re spendy I think.

        Also, you and I need to get off the computer (if you can). This is the nicest day in what feels like forever.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:40 pm

        I know right? I’m even wearing white pants. and you know what a risk that is here…

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:20 pm

        The wiki article Wendy linked to didn’t give me enough information to satisfy all of my curiosity, but it did say that usually AP-style parents are the stay-at-home type. And with what you’re describing, I can see why! It sounds incredibly time-consuming. I mean, caring for a baby must be time-consuming enough without having to constantly watch for cues that baby *might* be ready to make a doody.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:24 pm

        I think Mayim Bialik has a blog, or something, it should be a good read, and having a science background I´m sure it´s explained pretty well.

        I donpt use the elimination communication method, but you can usually tell when a baby is about to poop, at least (my one goes red in the face haha), pee, not so much.

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        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:26 pm

        Funny, I go red in the face too.

        (I don’t, I don’t know why I’m talking.)

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:32 pm

        Yeah, I’m sure you can tell sometimes – it’s just the thought of constantly monitoring the baby to see when they might be ready to poop that’s tripping me up. I guess it would be nice to have them go in the toilet as opposed to cleaning up a poopy diaper. I wish my cats could go in the toilet. I know some people can train them to do it, but I don’t see how! I can’t even get my cats to walk on a leash properly.

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      • becboo84

        BecBoo84 June 27, 2012, 4:37 pm

        Bialik’s back ground in the neuroscience is definitely a central part of her book, and she continuously reiterates that its a basis for how she’s decided to parent. She really does explain the science behind it all, including the EC.

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        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:40 pm

        My daughter grunts like a beast. You can hear her rooms away. She’s not even constipated. Its HILARIOUS to hear.

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        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:48 pm

        Ok now that I do do. (Hee hee, do do.)

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 5:11 pm

        When I was little I would get constipated a lot. I remember sometimes when I was struggling on the toilet my grandma would come and squeeze my stomach… like she was trying to literally squeeze the poop out of me.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 5:13 pm

        My 4 year old does get a bit constipated, she always asks me to go and squeeze her tummy. 🙂 And she´s a grunter.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 5:13 pm

        My Grandmother would then use this time as a time to tell me about all the glorious attributes of the “indian toilet’ she grew up with and how they prevented constipation and aided um evacuation. Took mean a while to realize the indian toilet Is basically a squat toilet. I never knew what they were in person until I went to Africa a few years ago. yeah, most awkward thing EVER.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 5:15 pm

        I’ve heard that squatting IS the ideal poop position.

        Don’t some women squat their babies out too?

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 5:19 pm

        My sister did with her 1st (not sure about the 2nd, the 3rd was a water birth) it is supposedly a lot easier, with gravity´s help. I didn´t have a choice. 🙁

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 5:31 pm

        I’m really curious about water birth–is that AP?

        Oh and speaking of birth, my friends thought I was insane when I said that I wanted my bff (who is a dr.) in the delivery room with me rather than my husband/baby daddy unless he himself is a dr. IDK, i’d just FEEL safer knowing someone ‘on MY side’ knows about medical stuff and can make the decision easier for me. Like I don’t want to be rushed into a c section because its easier for the dr. And I feel like I’d be pressured without another Dr in the room thinking solely about ME. Is that weird?

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 5:37 pm

        I´m not too sure about water birth (my sister lives in NZ, here it´s really difficult to do, you have to go to a specialized place, etc).

        I have no idea how births are in the US; in mine I´ve had with me apart from my husband: my ob/gyn, my midwife, a nurse, and the neonatologist. And I know if the mother wants epidural the anesthesiologist is in there, as well. Don´t worry about the csection, make sure you have great communication with your dr, mine asked me what I preferred, I said I wanted natural unless there was risk to my baby or me (of course), and he had no problem, even though they were both biggish.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 5:15 pm

        So cute. My little brother is the same, but is a known toilet clogger. No one lets him use their bathroom. Not even my grandparents. Its pretty funny, the poor little guy.

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      • becboo84

        BecBoo84 June 27, 2012, 4:34 pm

        That is my big issue with AP. While a lot of its big supporters precede everything they say with, “you don’t have to be a stay at home parent to make this work,” when it really gets down to it, it’s pretty clear that you do, especially as described by Bialik. Bialik’s husband doesn’t work at all, and she only works part time. With Dr. Sears, the so called founder of AP, having a stay at home parent doesn’t seem to be quite as central, but it is still considered ideal.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:48 pm

        Who is the founder of me?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:50 pm

        Mr. & Mrs. Pray.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 27, 2012, 4:54 pm

        The husband didn’t work at all and the wife worked part time? WTF?

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 4:57 pm

        You missed your chance IWTTS–if only you’d been cast as a awkward teenager on your very own show a few years back. Then you too could have been rolling in it.

        Although I do think she’s hilarious on BBT. So glad she works ‘part time’ 🙂

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 5:00 pm

        She´s awesome. I love that show.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 27, 2012, 5:02 pm

        Oh okay so I googled her – you should have just said Blossom and I would have known who you guys were talking about.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 5:03 pm

        Just so you are all aware of the coolest thing EVAAA…
        in Back to the Future, when it shows the future date, that day is TODAY folks. Cool, right?

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 5:05 pm

        Are you sure? A few months back there was a photo going around that showed it was that day, but then it was foud out that it was a hoax.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 5:09 pm

        Oh no! Really? God dammit, just when you think anything you read on Facebook is true…

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 5:20 pm

        I’m hearing that it’s a hoax again. I should ask my brother. He’s like a BTTF trivia genius. He quotes those movies constantly.

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        Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 5:08 pm

        That *is* the coolest! I watched the end of Back to the Future I last night, all of II, and the beginning of III. That’s when I fell asleep. (They were showing the movies back to back.)

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      • avatar

        ele4phant June 27, 2012, 4:26 pm

        WHATT??? How does this work? How do they know when the baby is about to go and needs to be over the toilet? I was holding my six month old niece recently, and I could feel her go. No warning whatsoever.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant June 27, 2012, 4:33 pm

        Okay, I wikied it. Apparently you learn your babies cue and rhythms, but it sounds very intense…and demanding. Infants go every 20 minutes! When are you supposed to have a moment to breathe when you’re constantly having to breastfeed, baby wear, and watch for when the kid needs to go?

        Totally not going to do this style of parenting (I say with all the smugness of a totally naive non-parent).

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:40 pm

        I’m right there with you. Can’t you just leave the baby in the swing for a minute and have a glass of wine? Or maybe one of those vibrating chair thingies. Those things are popular now, right?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:44 pm

        Ever hear of exer-saucers? Look it up and get one the minute you have a kid.
        Anyway, my friend’s husband calls them negligent parent saucers.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 5:07 pm

        Oooh, exer saucers. I want an adult exer saucer with, like, DW (or mini laptop thingie) and a TV screen and like a hands-free beer helmet thingie and headphones and Scramble wtih Friends.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 5:07 pm

        Oh, and MY exer saucer would vibrate.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 5:10 pm

        YOU ARE A GENIUS!

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 5:11 pm

        Hahaha. This made me think of all the humans in Wall-E. Is it sad that when I saw the movie, I was a little disappointed that I don’t hover around while sipping soda in space.

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      • avatar

        painted_lady June 27, 2012, 10:59 pm

        No. Nononono. I love that movie, but that part scared me. Seriously…my biggest irrational fear is adult babies (when an adult plays one as a gag in a movie or something, all the way to infantilism as a kink). And really, the people on the space ship? Just adult babies. Don’t walk, drink all their food, pudgy bodies. Ew. Ew, ew, ew. I need a shower now.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:44 pm

        Those vibrating chairs are awesome. Shame they outgrow them so fast. And shame they don´t come in adult size (because of the comfy shape, not the vibrating).

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      • Crochet.Ninja

        Michelle.Lea June 27, 2012, 4:41 pm

        i think it’s totally possible, i remember reading about it a few years back. but i think you have to start very early. and i think it sounds like a hella amount of work. how could you go anywhere? what if you missed a cue and they wizzed on someone’s carpet?

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      • becboo84

        BecBoo84 June 27, 2012, 4:29 pm

        You should read Bialik’s book “Beyond the Sling.” It’s very interesting! I don’t think the elimination communication stuff is part of AP, but more so it is just something that she specifically wanted to do.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 4:46 pm

        Thanks for the recommendation!

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite June 27, 2012, 5:45 pm

        Hilarious episode of “Pregnant in Heels” where this couple, particularly the father was waaay too out there with his parenting approach. It was their first so Rosie tried to set him straight super quick because he had zero intentions of using any diapers, cloth or otherwise, in favor of elimination communication. He also really wanted to birth to be completely unassisted while she hung onto a tree and didn’t want a hospital involved even if something was going wrong. Rosie and the doula were just like um… no way in hell… and btw she’s definitely going to the hospital if something goes wrong.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray June 27, 2012, 4:30 pm

      Wendy posted an awesome article on FB about the big brouhaha after the Times’ article featuring the mom still breast feeding her kid…. and it was awesome and basically said: who the fuck cares – stop criticizing moms who are already doing everything and then some for everyone, everywhere, all the time. If you really want to help moms, how about you lay off their parenting styles and give them some paid maternity leave like the rest of the world.

      Ironically, I’m drafting an FMLA abuse article that employers are gonna love.

      Sigh.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:33 pm

        Good point.

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  • avatar

    mf June 27, 2012, 4:00 pm

    IMO if you’re able to have sex in the same bed as your baby, then you’re not having very good sex. Isn’t half the fun being nosy and trying different positions and such? And are you really gonna have a good time if you have to worry about whether you’re gonna wake the kid? Doesn’t sound like much fun to me.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow June 27, 2012, 4:21 pm

      yeah, that’s what I was thinking!

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    • avatar

      Trina June 27, 2012, 4:36 pm

      It may not be the best sex, but sometimes (especially after having some pretty harsh rug burns) you just want quite sex in the comfort of your bed. Now if we had a spare bed at that point, I’m sure we would have utilized that more often.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary June 27, 2012, 4:08 pm

    I don’t have kids…I could probably do it if the baby was in the room asleep if I had to, but not if they were in the bed. I think it would be way easier to relax if the baby was not in the room. I also believe co-sleeping (in the same bed) is dangerous and not necessary to a child’s healthy development. But I’m also realistic in thinking that there are going to be some nights that I will be too tired to put a toddler back to bed and will just let them sleep in the bed. I would never let an infant in the bed though.

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  • Kristina

    Kristina June 27, 2012, 4:08 pm

    I know I don’t have kids, and at first I thought there is no problem with having sex in the same room as an infant. But then as i thought about it more, I realized if the baby started screaming, I’m not going to stop having sex at the instant a baby screams, and it would be hard to concentrate with a needy, yelling baby in the same room. Other than that, I don’t see a problem with it at all–I let my cats follow me into the bathroom or let them in the bedroom at night and it doesn’t bother me. But having sex in the same bed with a baby is too out there for me.

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  • avatar

    Trina June 27, 2012, 4:27 pm

    My husband and I coslept with our son in the same bed for the first 1.5 years of his life. Following that we spent another 1.5 years with him sleeping in a twin bed in the same room as us. When he was 3 he moved into his own room with the twin bed.

    During the time he was in our bed we mostly had sex in other areas of the house, but there were a few nights when we went to bed and spent time chatting and cuddling and ended up having sex on the opposite side of the bed as our son. He slept the whole time. We both were sure to tame down anything that might wake him, and we enjoyed the quiet, intimate encounters.

    After our son moved into his own bed in the same room we has sex more frequently in our bed. It was never the best sex ever because if our son so much as rolled over or his breathing changed we’d both cue into it and stop what we were doing to look at our son to see if he was waking up. We also did this same thing when we had sex with him in the same bed as us.

    Now with our son in his own room we have gotten back to our happy, often vocal, sexual play. Sometimes my son is not able to sleep and lies in his bedroom and can hear us. I’ve explained to him that this is what adults do who are in love and married. He certainly doesn’t seem damaged or harmed from this. I have always believed that I want to have open and honest communication with my child about everything. So we do.

    He has heard us several times and has asked questions like what were you doing, do you enjoy that, and what exactly happens. I’ve answered all these questions honestly. He has never showed disgust or grossness in his responses to this. He has showed frustration that this process has not caused me to get pregnant since I’ve included how babies are made in our chats. I then had to explain to him what our birth control method is and that thinking about what things happen from sex is something you really consider heavily before actually engaging in sex.

    My hope with this line of thinking is that as it comes closer and closer to time for him to start exploring sex I’ll be able talk more about STI’s, how they are contracted, teen pregnancies, and how he can protect himself. Currently he knows that everyone has germs on their penis and yoni, and that some germs are worse than others and you have to be careful to keep those germs off yourself. I do try to keep the information given to him at a lower level since he’s 5, but still trying to get some basics down and let him know that it’s okay and safe to talk to me about this. Perhaps if we’ve been talking since before he could become uncomfortable with the subject then we can have less discomfort later? I suppose time will tell.

    The only thing he has requested is, “When you and daddy have sex, can you please close your door and my door so I can sleep better?” Me, “Sure. I’m sorry we disturbed your rest.” Him, “Thank you mama.” Me, “You’re quite welcome.”

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger June 27, 2012, 4:29 pm

    My pillows don’t stay on the bed when I have sex; I don’t see how the baby would. It gets a big N-O for doing it in the bed with the kid, purely for safety and comfort reasons (it’s like trying not the let the headboard hit the wall… just not that much fun).

    But I really don’t get the issue with having sex when the kid is in the room. It’s a baby! In the words of Miranda to Charlotte when Charlotte accidentally had sex in front of Brady — “He doesn’t know what sex is. He doesn’t know what his nose is.”

    And this goes way back. Think of all those one room tenements or one room prairie houses. Somehow, they kept making more babies.

    But my parents never let us sleep the whole night in their bed, and I’m pretty sure it’s because they didn’t want to set a precedent that would mess with their sex lives. Ten minutes if we had a bad dream and then bop, back to bed for you. It’s important for Mommy and Daddy to have a sex life (or Mommy and Mommy, or Mommy and Step Daddy, or Daddy and Daddy, or Mommy and Mr. Rabbit, etc.) and I think that parents should do whatever they feel comfortable to make sure that doesn’t get lost and if that means making the bed an adults-zone, I’m for that. But in the middle of the night, with the kid asleep in the bassenet, I see zero harm done.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 4:47 pm

      Do you have something against Daddy and Step Mommy? God you’re rude. Amiright?

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    • avatar

      cporoski June 28, 2012, 6:24 am

      My parents would only let us sleep on the floor in thier room if we had a bad dream. So if it was bad we would drag in a pillow and a teddy bear. I think they were the exact opposite of attachment parents.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 June 27, 2012, 4:31 pm

    We “room shared” until our daughter was nine months old, so we definitely did a little frisky business while she was in there. As she’s gotten older (almost 4 now), we’ve done a little if we’ve been staying in a hotel that was a suite set up so there was some type of little room divider between our sleep areas. I could never go to town though if she was in bed with us, though!

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    • avatar

      cporoski June 28, 2012, 6:26 am

      This is what I have heard the most. It is the vacation thing. I always thought it was wierd when a whole family would stay in one hotel room. I know it is to save money but still.

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  • avatar

    Anna June 27, 2012, 4:44 pm

    I don’t have children so obviously my thoughts on the subject now are probably going to be null and void someday if I do end up having kids. I wouldn’t have sex while my child is in the same bed, but if they are sleeping in a crib across the room I don’t see the big deal. I would be really scared of co-sleeping in general because I sleep like a log and wouldn’t necessarily wake up if I accidentally rolled over onto the baby and smothered it. I would probably prefer to keep them in the crib.

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle June 27, 2012, 5:32 pm

    would I have sex with a baby in the same room? Sure, why not, they can’t remember anything.

    would I let a baby sleep in the same bed as me? No, there is barely enough room for me and my guy, much less a little baby.

    would I have sex with a baby in the same bed? No, like I said before, just not enough room.

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones June 27, 2012, 6:11 pm

      Get a King. The best thing we ever did.

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  • avatar

    SiSisodaPop June 27, 2012, 5:33 pm

    We coslept with my daughter for the first 4 months. Honestly, we did have sex while she was asleep in the sme bed a few times. It wasn’t crazy monkey sex so she wasn’t being bounced around or anything like that. It was a king size bed and she slept through it. I don’t see the problem with this, so I will agree to disagree with those who do, in advance….

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger June 27, 2012, 6:01 pm

      How do you not roll over and squish her?

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      • avatar

        SiSisodaPop June 27, 2012, 6:20 pm

        Even in our sleep we were very conscious (sp?) of the fact that she was in bed with us. Never even came close to rolling on her or anything….we were very light sleepers for a few months.

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      • Lili

        Lili June 27, 2012, 6:43 pm

        I’ve kicked people out of bed before in my sleep, like physically kicked them off the bed. so I think I’m one of those people who shouldn’t co-sleep. I’m not very nice and conscious it seems in my sleep.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 7:48 pm

        One of the 1st nights after I´d moved in with my husband the dog got in bed and kicked me out! He was a HUGE dog, and he adored me until I moved in.

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      • avatar

        ncp June 27, 2012, 7:17 pm

        Same way you manage to not fall out of bed every night. The body has an innate sense of where it is in relation to other objects, even while you are asleep. Most people who co-sleep never roll over on their kids. The ones who do usually suffer from a sleep disorder, are on medication, or have been drinking/doing drugs.

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      • avatar

        Ivy June 28, 2012, 12:53 am

        Some people may have an innate sense of where their body is even in sleep, but not everyone. Neither my husband nor I are on medication, drink or have sleep disorders, but I’ve rolled out of the top bunk in my sleep, he’s elbowed me in the throat, I’ve bruised his back kneeing him away from me so I have more room to sprawl… We have a small dog that sleeps with us and she’s been pushed out of the bed a few times. We were both panicked the times that happened, I can only imagine how we would feel if it was a baby we kicked out of bed and onto its head. I’m sure some people are capable of sleeping with infants but it is definitely not for everyone.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 9:26 am

        While I’m not comfortable sleeping with an infant because I am an extremely deep, heavy sleeper who moves around a lot, I will say that the times I dozed off in bed with her out of sheer exhaustion, I was definitely aware in my sleep that she was there. I didn’t expect to feel that way at all. Of course, it was a short period of sleep and I know I wouldn’t get a good, real sleep doing that either, but there are people who normally thrawl about in bed that just stop when a baby is there.

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Michelle.Lea June 27, 2012, 4:39 pm

    i honestly couldnt do it. even the idea of cosleeping freaks me out, because well, what if you rolled over??? i’d never get any sleep because i’d be afraid of that. and sex in the same bed?? not gonna happen. not only the safety of the baby, but i have issues doing it when we have our younger step kids over because i’m always afraid i’ll miss hearing them if they need me from their rooms as it is. if they’re asleep, no issues. if i know they’re still awake in the house somewhere, i’m not in the mood.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones June 27, 2012, 6:10 pm

    We coslept. I got better sleep that way which made me a better parent. Our son still crawls in bed with us in the very early morning sometimes and he is almost 9. He is a very happy well adjusted intelligent compassionate child. And yes we would up until he was about 6-8 months get it on with our son in the room sleeping. Americans are extremely uptight when it comes to sex and nudity IMHO. Our family is more European in our lifestyle I think. What I find confounding is movie ratings (another subject but related). Show a breast and a sexual situation and a movie gets an R rating in America. Show someone being murdered, shot, their brains blown around a bus window and what is it? PG-13. Now that is sick! Violence is OK and sex is NOT??? Most of us will have sex in our lifetimes, far fewer thank goodness will witness a violent death. End of rant!

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson June 27, 2012, 6:28 pm

    Ummm why is that term so annoying? Coslept? You mean sleep in the same bed?

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 7:32 pm

      I prefer SITSB

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones June 28, 2012, 12:14 am

      Co-sleeping is the most common term used to describe sleeping in a family bed together.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray June 28, 2012, 7:53 am

      I’d really like to co-sleep with someone. Sigh.

      Reply Link
  • Kate B.

    Kate B. June 27, 2012, 6:29 pm

    I am not a parent, nor will I ever be, but I know people who practice this. I have to say, it’s not for me. I have no objection to having sex with the kid in the room. It’s a baby, it will know nothing of what is going on. But, having the baby in the bed would be an instant intimacy-killer. What if the kid wakes up and starts wailing? I also think (and this is just my opinion) that having the kid sleep in its own bed as soon as it is feasible encourages independence. If I did have a kid, I would want it to be independent as soon as possible.

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    • JK

      JK June 27, 2012, 6:35 pm

      I kind of cosleep, each of my daughters started sleeping really badly at 5 months, so it was easier to put them to sleep in thir bed, then when they woke up just to take them to mine.
      Before I had kids I always said I would never let them sleep with me, but the truth is it´s so exhausting having to wake up, get up,go to another room to get them, then take them back, etc, that cosleeping is just easier. And if you breastfeed, having the baby with you in bed makes it a lot easier, as soon as it starts crying you latch it on and that´s it (if the baby has to wait for you to go to it it will cry a lot more).

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 7:37 pm

      You raise an interesting point about independence. We shared a room for a few years bc we lived in a one bedroom. Once she got her own bedroom, I figured shed freak and try to sleep with me anyway. Nope! She stayed in her room from night one on. Now we’re in an even bigger place n she still does, but is now insisting all bedroom doors stay open. So all that kind of told me this theory of where they sleep results in different levels of independence means nothing really.

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      • theattack

        theattack June 28, 2012, 2:41 am

        Well, it might have meant nothing for your kid, but it’s not necessarily true of other kids. People are concerned about it for a reason – because it happens!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 9:30 am

        That was kind of my point (could’ve written better but was short because I was using my phone). Its just that you never know for sure. I figured my kid would try to crawl into my bed for years after getting so used to it, but I was so wrong. I’m sure there’s some kids that are put in a crib in their own room at a few weeks that will try to crawl into mom and dad’s bed anyway years later.
        My example was just to show how it changes, even with the same kid. She goes from sharing room, having no interest in sharing room, and then to having a door-open rule.

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      • theattack

        theattack June 28, 2012, 2:42 pm

        You’ll have to forgive me. I have not slept in two days, and the last night that I did sleep, it was only an hour.The night beforea that it was only 2. My brain no longer functions .

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 2:44 pm

        Good God woman! Go to bed!

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  • avatar

    ncp June 27, 2012, 7:10 pm

    And sometimes, even when you get over your inhibitions about doing it with the baby in the same room (because it’s been a freaking month and your husband apparently has near inhuman amounts of self-control), the little poop machine cock-blocks you by waking up.

    Also, when my older son was a little over 2 1/2 years old, we took him to India, where all three of us shared a huge bed. I also took advantage of the time change and wonky sleep patterns to wean him. Big mistake. Do you KNOW what happens to your sex drive after you wean your kid? I do.

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    • JK

      JK June 27, 2012, 7:37 pm

      I never noticed anything with my 1st, the 2nd is still breastfeeding. MInd you post partum I didn´t really have any change in my sex drive either, I was rearing to go as soon as I had the OK from my Dr!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 27, 2012, 7:43 pm

        As I said above I didn’t have an opportunity to have sex post partum, but go you! I was scared to just use the bathroom for weeks, can’t imagine sex. (I had an episiotomy)

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 7:46 pm

        Haha, with my 1st I waited until I saw the dr. at 6 wks, and he asked how the sex had been, I didn´t know I could´ve already done it! So with the 2nd we just went for it at 3 wks (the episiotomy was already healed, and lochia had stopped).

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson June 27, 2012, 8:58 pm

    As I former baby myself I think this is thoroughly fucked up. Maybe not in the room in general (although that is questionable) but in the bed? Seriously? It’s like a sick twisted threesome. I lose my lady boner even if the dog is in the room. I’ll be getting down and then I look over and he’s staring at me. Sick.

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    • JK

      JK June 27, 2012, 9:08 pm

      Babies sleep really deeply. Like there can be a lot of noise/light, and they won´t wake up. So if a baby is asleep in the same room as it´s parents having sex it won´t wake up because of it.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 27, 2012, 9:12 pm

        But this is my question – how can you get turned on with a baby in the room??

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 9:14 pm

        You don´t really think of the baby in the room.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 27, 2012, 9:19 pm

        I mean if they’re just like in the corner I don’t think there’s anything like morally wrong with it or anything, but I just don’t know how you could focus enough to get into it.

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      • JK

        JK June 27, 2012, 9:21 pm

        Of course if the baby was awake there´s no way I´d be able to, but if the baby is asleep? It´d be like the TV being on during sex. It´s there, but it´s not going to distract me from the job at hand.

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones June 28, 2012, 12:19 am

      Have you ever slept in a King sized bed? There is enough room for the 3 of us and the dog to sleep comfortably. And weren’t you ever a teenager that had to sneak sex or as close as you could get to it in the corner at the high school dance? Well I was a teen in the 70’s so perhaps that explains it…

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 28, 2012, 12:40 am

        You’re having sex with 3 people in the bed. That is a threesome. With your baby being an unwilling participant. It’s gross. Maybe wait until they’re old enough to make the decision of whether they want to be in bed with the two of you banging before you subject them to it. My ICK factor is off the charts.

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      • Cara

        Cara June 28, 2012, 10:09 am

        How on earth is a sleeping baby a participant?
        My ICK factor is off the charts because you´re insinuating that parents would somehow want to include their baby in their sex life.

        I get that you think it´s gross and disgusting, even though it has been done forever, but sheesh, word choice!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 28, 2012, 2:16 pm

        But they are including their kid in their sex life! It’s in the bed with them!

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      • Cara

        Cara June 28, 2012, 2:22 pm

        No! People have had sex while I was in the same room, that doesn´t mean I´ve ever had a threesome.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 28, 2012, 2:24 pm

        But you chose to be there! This kid has no choice. Were you on the same bed as the people? Did their legs ever accidentally rub up against you? ICK!!

        And I said I personally wouldn’t be comfortable getting it on with a baby in the room – but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that if they’re asleep. But in the same bed?!?! Gross!

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      • avatar

        ele4phant June 28, 2012, 3:51 pm

        I got super pissed when my freshman roommate had sex while I was in the room. How rude! Had she given me a heads up, I would’ve taken the opportunity to find somewhere else to sleep.

        Now babies and adults are different, and I agree a baby in the same bed (or room) where sex is happening is no more complicit than another adult in the room, but I was SOOOOOO pissed. I guess this reply doesn’t have a point, just dredging up memories.

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        ele4phant June 28, 2012, 1:22 am

        If it works for you, more power to you. And I certainly don’t think its going to make a lick of difference to your child’s mental health.

        But I agree with iwannatalktosampson, thought of having my theoretical child (much less my very real cat) in the bed as its happening makes my lady parts dry up. And no amount of “But if its a REALLY big bed!” is going to change make me feel better about it.

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  • avatar

    DMR June 27, 2012, 10:54 pm

    Co-sleeping kills babies.

    Seriously, babies die each year by being rolled on, squashed, or suffocated by parents. It’s a genuine risk and parents are advised not to do it. The risk is particularly high if the parents have drunk alcohol before going to bed, but it’s not a risk free activity at other times either.

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    • avatar

      Sue Jones June 28, 2012, 12:12 am

      Only if the parents have been drinking alcohol or taking tranquilizers is it a risk. Actually it lessens the risk of SIDS because the mother is there right by the baby to respond to any change in breathing patterns, i.e. to wake the baby up. One theory of SIDS is that some babies sleep so deeply that they stop breathing. Most very young babies sleep quite lightly and that is adaptive to prevent SIDS, but some are more prone to the deep sleep where they don’t breathe. The term “sleeping like a baby” is a misnomer… just ask any new mom.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom June 28, 2012, 7:36 am

        Countries where babies routinely sleep with the parents have the lowest rates of SIDS and the farther the baby sleeps from the parent the higher the rate of SIDS. I remember reading all the statistics when my kids were born. As you said, suffocation seems to be a problem only when the parents are drinking or drugged or if the parents sleep on a water bed. Otherwise it is very safe. It is easy to say it’s crazy to have a baby in your bed, I know I said that before I had kids. The reality of being exhausted and both husband and wife being desperate for sleep changes the entire situation and outlook.

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      • JK

        JK June 28, 2012, 7:46 am

        I always said the same thing. And then real life happened.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom June 28, 2012, 8:04 am

        Definitely, real life opens your eyes! The thing that I found was that if the baby slept with us we all slept, so we all felt much better and we all were happier. So when we were rested and happier we had more sex and better sex. It was a win/win situation. Co-sleeping made us a happier, closer couple.

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        lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 9:33 am

        No Sue, you are just wrong. It does happen, that’s a fact, and its not only when parents are drinking or taking drugs. It doesn’t happen 100% of the time, or even most of the time, but it does happen. To state otherwise is ignorant and dangerous.

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  • theattack

    theattack June 28, 2012, 2:50 am

    No to sex, and No to co-sleeping for me.

    Kids need to learn independence, and I just want my own freaking space, so no.
    Co-sleeping is unsafe, and not just when there’s alcohol involved. It’s easy to get too close or move something suffocate them, not to mention rolling over on them.
    Parents just need their own space. Seriously, this cannot be healthy for the parents in most situations. If the parents are a couple, then they should have the bed as a place for each other – no other people allowed. There’s no reason for couples to sacrifice their entire selves for their kids. If they genuinely enjoy the kids in the bed, then what I’m saying is irrelevant. I just can’t imagine liking that.

    I really think people are overthinking parenting. I’m not a parent myself, so maybe my opinion doesn’t matter, but I think if people have been doing something that works, and it’s not causing any notable problems, just chill out about it. Choosing the wrong diaper or milk or vibrating contraptions or whatever DOES NOT MATTER.

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    • avatar

      DMR June 28, 2012, 5:32 am

      Well I am a parent, and I completely agree with you.

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      lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 9:34 am

      I can’t believe no one brought this up til you…the own space for parents thing. Its really is ideal. Possible always? Probably not, but still a good idea.

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  • avatar

    AKchic June 28, 2012, 3:48 am

    I have to laugh at the hullaballoo over this.

    My 1st son co-slept with me until he was 2 and I was finally able to kick him out of bed. It wasn’t a conscious decision to co-sleep, it was just that during his first 6 months I was dealing with hardcore anemia (his birth was pretty bad for me) and was too tired to move him to his own bed after a feeding. Having said this, with my 1st husband, there wasn’t any frisky business while my son was in the bed. First off, I was so damaged downstairs from his birth (I had over 20 stitches) that I didn’t have sex for 15 months. And to give you an idea of just how damaged I was, I had to have the scar tissue cut away before I could birth my 2nd son, and he was my smallest baby (7lbs 8oz).

    With my 2nd, well, he didn’t WANT to co-sleep.

    3rd son, we got him to sleep in his own bed for the 1st part of the night and then he’d wake up and come sleep with us from 1am until morning.

    4th was a co-sleeper the whole way. Again, not by design, but because of the labor, my long hours at work and my pain condition. I have had a king size bed since my 1st son, so two people under 200lbs each could easily be on one side of the bed having sex while an infant is passed out on the other side. As much as we tried to get him to sleep in his own bed after he turned 1, he didn’t start sleeping in his own bed until the last 6 months. He’s 3. Yes, we had sex with him in the bed. We aren’t noisy, and considering the fact that we were both so damned tired we only had sex once every 5-8 weeks (we actually went 3 1/2 months without having sex once), it wasn’t much of a big deal. Now that he’s out of the bed, not waking up at night (he had night terrors for a while), and we have more energy, we’re having sex at least 4x a month (and sometimes 4x a week).

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    • avatar

      MsMisery June 28, 2012, 3:08 pm

      This story made my hoo-ha hug herself. TOO MUCH PAIN.

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  • JK

    JK June 28, 2012, 7:59 am

    My final thoughts on the thread:
    People that don´t have kids: never say never. It´s easy when you havenpt been in that situation to say what you´d do once you have kids, but real life is totally different, you end up doing what works for you, and let´s face it, whatever comes to mind at the time.
    Also, to those grossed out by thinking about sex in the same room as a sleeping baby: I guess you aren´t planning on sex while pregnant either. Your baby might even be awake while you are going at it!

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom June 28, 2012, 8:05 am

      I love it JK!

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      jlyfsh June 28, 2012, 9:11 am

      Haha, I don’t have kids and I completely agree with you JK. It’s just like any other situation you can say I will do x or y until you’re blue in the face, but until you’re in the situation you can’t say how you’re actually going to react. And really I hate to see parents/non-parents judging each other so much. Aside from actual abuse everyone should just do what feels right. And one of my friends said that she would never have sex while pregnant because it freaked her out and then yup she did, haha.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 9:37 am

        So, so true.

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  • avatar

    karenwalker June 28, 2012, 10:04 am

    I’m a pediatric nurse and cosleeping is definitely not what we recommend. We currently have a patient being kept on life support with no hope of recovery because of a parent rolling over on him while cosleeping.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom June 28, 2012, 10:25 am

    Just for the record, co-sleeping is not recommended. However, I did co-sleep with my babies when they were newborn as it was much easier to breastfeed and I never worried about rolling over on them or anything like that. I would never have sex in the same room, let alone the same bed as them though. I think the attachment parenting thing is ridiculous, but that’s just this mom’s opinion.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery June 28, 2012, 3:06 pm

    I don’t have/want kids, but I don’t even like to masturbate when my cat is in the room.

    That said, provided the child is still of an age to not be cognizant of the act or to actually be disturbed by it, and provided the parents aren’t the howler-monkey, sex swing type (just thinking of safety y’all, no judgment), I have no issue with OTHERS who do this, and don’t see the “child abuse!” angle.

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      lets_be_honest June 28, 2012, 3:12 pm

      Ha, about the sex swing…I have a coworker whose into that. Plus she’s always going on dates. So anyway, I talk to my SO about her all the time and my SO talks about one of his coworkers all the time. Of course, he thought we should set them up. So I say, well she’s a bit of freak in teh sheets, I don’t think “Jim” would be cool with us setting him up with her. I don’t think I ever heard him laugh so hard. “So you think my straight coworker, newly divorced would be offended if we set him up with smeone who really likes having sex”
      I guess I’m a little slow.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson June 28, 2012, 3:15 pm

        All fairytales start out with a sex swing. 🙂 I love setting people up. Even if it goes horrifically down the wrong path – it’s still fun – and leads to great stories.

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  • avatar

    carolann February 9, 2017, 9:26 pm

    I have no idea how old this post is… it I thought I would comment on the water birth thing. I had a water birth…sort of…I got out before the baby came. The water wasn’t doing anything for me , so I got out and had the baby in the bed.
    I started off in the shower. No one knew I was progressing so quickly. My water broke two days earlier, but no one knew. I was leaking, but my midwife examined me and thought it hadn’t. Turns out it had, but up high. I finally went to the hospital and they realized I didn’t have much fluid left. She broke it the rest of the way and left thinking it would be a while. It suddenly kicked into high gear. My husband and I went into the shower. (He brought swim trunks) so I could get some warm water on me. I assumed they would have the birthing pool ready, but they didn’t, so for half of my labor I was laying on the floor of the shower. By the time the pool was ready my contractions were really close and I was in primal scream mode. I got in the pool and it didn’t do anything for me. I thought the shower gave me more relief. I know they say gravity helps, but for me it didn’t seem like it. After being in there (the birthing pool) for what seemed like hours. (Was probably more like an hour. No one was really keeping track.) I have no idea how long I was in labor my midwife didn’t come back until the last bit. Basically my husband was my doula and was the one who really delivered her. I gave up on the whole water birth thing and crawled back in the bed. I had her a few minutes later. You know how you have in your mind how something is going to go and I doesn’t go that way at all? I had the water birth played up in my mind like it was going to be awesome and super easy (this was my 3rd) Well, it wasn’t like that at all. Births are hard to plan and seldom go so smoothly.

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