Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “Am I Just Booty to Him?”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I have known “Rob” my WHOLE life — we grew up together. We hadn’t talked for a few years because of moving away and growing up. Recently, two months ago, we reconnected and have been hanging out. We seem to click — we laugh, share interests, and have fun. Rob wouldn’t kiss me the first couple of times we hung out, but would get all touchy, and then I confronted him about it, and he said he didn’t want to be too forward. The next time we hung out, we kissed and had sex.

We still hang out, but we don’t always have sex. We can just hang out, and, when we do have sex, he wants me to stay the night. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. We can stay up all night talking and laughing and having a really good time. But then I can go days without hearing from him. Sometimes he won’t respond to text messages if I ask if he wants to do something. I don’t understand. I wouldn’t THINK that with our background he would make me booty, but, then again, the more I learn the less I know, so I could be booty. I don’t know when or how to ask where we stand; I don’t want to push the issue, but I’d like to know. Could you help guide me? — More than Booty

87 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary May 30, 2012, 9:07 am

    You are Rob’s friend with benefits. He is probably doing this routine with other women, which he is allowed to do since you haven’t established that you are in an exclusive relationship. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, you would know it by now. A guy who wants to date you will answer your texts, or at least explain why he didn’t answer them aka “Sorry, I was at the movies, what’s up?” You can have the whole “what are we” conversation but from what you wrote it sounds like you aren’t going to get the answer you are looking for. I would either stop sleeping with him or move on before your feelings get hurt any further. Don’t feel bad about this, almost every woman I know has been in a FWB situation and wanted a relationship but hasn’t gotten it.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 9:29 am

      “Don’t feel bad about this, almost every woman I know has been in a FWB situation and wanted a relationship but hasn’t gotten it.”

      Oh so true Kerry! Agreed.

      It sucks to be there, but don’t take it personally, LW. He is either not wanting a relationship with ANYONE or is just looking for someone very specific. But, there’s a lid for every pot. If you don’t want a FWB- tell him. If he was a friend before the benefits came along, he’ll respect that and hopefully you two can remain friendly.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 9:35 am

        Don’t you think she kind of asked to be put into a FWB role? They were friends, then instead of talking about a relationship at all, she just slept with him after basically giving him the green light to have it be just sex.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 9:46 am

        I do.

        And at first read I thought that maybe she just wasn’t confident enough to begin any conversation about dating vs. fwb. I know that at some points in my younger years, if a guy I was into showed interest, I might have done the same just because I wanted him to like me and figured the relationship stuff would follow (okay, maybe once or twice- I learned the lesson pretty quickly).

        However, reading it for the second time- she was confident enough to confront him about his lack of making a move. So, why not to ask directly “Am I just booty?”. It seems she did indeed give him that green light.

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      • ScrambledMegss

        ScrambledMegss May 30, 2012, 10:19 am

        I agree

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 12:28 pm

      I do think this is unnecessarily and unsurprisingly harsh on the guy. Really. You have no idea who he sleeps with. You have no idea how many he sleeps with. I’ve had many friends with benefits situations myself and I haven’t ever been juggling gaggles of them at the same time… See, that’s actually the whole point of a friends with benefits situation, it’s so you don’t have to go running around town banging different people every other night…

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary May 30, 2012, 1:03 pm

        I didn’t mean to be harsh at all. I just meant that this man has no responsibility to commit to her since they aren’t in an exclusive relationship yet. It takes two to tango so I don’t blame any man or woman who has FWB. I just mean that its a possibility that he IS sleeping with other women. Maybe it’s because I’m a slutmuppet and used to juggle gaggles of FWB.

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      • MandaNoA

        MandaNoA May 30, 2012, 2:41 pm

        Slutmuppet is FANTASTIC!

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  • avatar

    diamore May 30, 2012, 9:08 am

    You’re booty.

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    • avatar

      diamore May 30, 2012, 9:10 am

      Now, does it actually matter if you’re not his girlfriend? Cos what kerrycontrary said is pretty bang-on if you do mind.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar May 30, 2012, 9:10 am

    Why don’t you want to push the issue? Do you think it is too forward to find out the motivations of the man having sex with you? It seems you are so determined to not be needy or demanding that you are just going along with whatever he wants irrespective of your own needs. He calls you? Okay. He doesn’t return messages for days? Okay. He wants sex? Okay. He just wants to hang out? Okay. Seriously? How about YOU figure out what YOU want and don’t settle for less. And if his behaviour isn’t what you want – tell him so. To me it always comes down to what you want more – would you rather be respected or liked? You seem so intent on him liking you in whatever capacity you can get, you don’t care if he respects you. May I suggest you rethink those priorities?

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    • avatar

      MissDre May 30, 2012, 9:32 am

      I love the way you put that.

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  • katie

    katie May 30, 2012, 9:12 am

    background with someone has nothing to do with whether you are “booty” (who says that??) or not.

    if you want to be in a relationship with this guy, tell him. if you dont like how you are just sleeping with him without any kind of feelings from his end, then stop sleeping with him.

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    • avatar

      diamore May 30, 2012, 9:18 am

      All the hip kids say “booty” katie… get with the times! 😛 😛

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      • katie

        katie May 30, 2012, 9:21 am

        ….just like all the cool kids say ITA and i didnt even know what that meant until last week… lol.

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      • honeybeenicki

        honeybeenicki May 30, 2012, 10:37 am

        I had to sit and think about what ITA meant just now.

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      • EscapeHatches

        EscapeHatches May 30, 2012, 11:02 am

        I admit to my “seasoned adult” status and will simply ask – ITA?
        My uninformed guesses:
        Intergalactic Transit Association
        Icy Tight Ass
        I Think Also
        Icelandic Tshirt Assemblage
        Intermittent Thor in Asgard

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      • katie

        katie May 30, 2012, 11:46 am

        its I Totally Agree

        atleast that is what AP told me. so if its wrong blame her.

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      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 11:48 am

        I went with In The Anus…I totally agree never even crossed my mind. Should probably clean it up out of the gutter.

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      • avatar

        CG May 30, 2012, 3:13 pm

        OMG “in the anus” is hilarious! I need to figure out a way to use that. 😉

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 30, 2012, 11:49 am

        It obviously stands for Intergalactic Transit Association. Duh.

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      • Kristina

        Kristina May 30, 2012, 11:21 am

        Even though people have been saying ITA here recently, I still have to look it up every time. It’s sad when my mom uses internet slang that I have no idea about.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 9:32 am

      I always thought it was “booty call”, but I guess the kids have shortened it…

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      • Leroy

        Leroy May 30, 2012, 9:58 am

        Booty call is the act, booty is the object. So she’s using it correctly, but that’s unusual. People mistakenly refer to themselves as a booty call. But you’re not the call, you’re the booty – get it?

        Anyway. She might be sending him mixed signals and should just ask what’s up. At least then she’ll know.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 10:29 am

        Somehow, they never taught that in English class!

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    • BriarRose

      BriarRose May 30, 2012, 10:05 am

      Am I the only one who kept imagining pirates talking about treasure every time the word “booty” was used?

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 10:30 am

        I now keep thinking of pirate’s booty cheese puff snacks. If you haven’t tried them… get on that!

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      • avatar

        Amanda May 30, 2012, 11:08 am

        The white cheddar flavor is so good!Now I’m hungry…

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      • avatar

        MissDre May 30, 2012, 11:29 am

        Makes me think of Tribe Called Quest…. Da Booty! If you got money you shakin it! And if your a thief then you takin’ it!

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  • Will.i.am

    Will.i.am May 30, 2012, 9:13 am

    You are just some booty. He’s also manipulating you to keep you on the hook. Look back at the last two weeks and this will be the pattern. He will sweet talk you, say nice things, and say he is excited to see you again and hang out. You two hang out, make out, have sex, and then he’s like a ghost town. Let a few days go by until he has that itch that needs to be scratched again, and he’s back to his same ole tricks with you.

    There’s nothing wrong with being a FWB; I love them, but you have to let the other person go if they are not ok with the arrangement. A guy knows PRETTY QUICK if he wants to pursue a relationship with a girl. Even if it means the potential of no sex for a long time. We men are simple creatures, and I will never understand how women can make us out to be so difficult. We are the epitomy of WASH, RINSE, REPEAT!

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 9:14 am

    If you have to ask…

    ok, now I’ll read the letter.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 9:35 am

      Did Miles write this letter?

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  • avatar

    Amanda May 30, 2012, 9:16 am

    LW, he didn’t make you a booty call, but it seems that you inadvertently made him a booty call. Why did you rush into sex when he basically said that he wanted to take things slow? Next time that you are interested in someone, don’t rush into sex if you want to build a relationship that is not based mainly on having sex with that person.

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  • Budj

    Budj May 30, 2012, 9:28 am

    playing devil’s advocate….the days he ignores you….are those the days after you don’t spend the night? Maybe he is interpreting mixed signals from you.

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    • parton_doll

      parton_doll May 30, 2012, 9:48 am

      This is exactly what I was thinking. She should decide what she wants their relationship to be and then talk to him about it. But based on her current actions, he may just be ready to hit it and quit it.

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    • avatar

      apparently i'm LW May 30, 2012, 6:20 pm

      I’m not sure what LW is short for, but that’s me.

      We slept together two times, the first time I stayed the night, the second time I didn’t because I had work in like 3 or 4 hours and needed some sleep. I don’t know what mixed signals I could be sending, but then again, what do i know.

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      • avatar

        Rachel May 30, 2012, 6:29 pm

        LW is letter writer.

        You said “sometimes” you stay the night and sometimes you don’t…that implied a more than twice. In which case, the guy might wonder why sometimes you decide to take off after sex, thinking that you yourself only want a booty call.

        Seriously though, just talk to him.

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  • avatar

    ktfran May 30, 2012, 9:28 am

    I’m not even sure this is a FWB situation. Because I think when those relationships develop, it’s communicated that is what you’re doing. Also, a friend would return a text. And still want to hang out with you – as friends – even if sex isn’t involved.

    This is a booty call. He only gets a hold of you when he wants some under the sheets time. He doesn’t respect you.

    You can either talk to him about it. Say “Hey, what’s this thing we’re doing?”. Or MOA. Personally, I would MOA.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle May 30, 2012, 9:31 am

    These letters kill me, seriously.

    LW, you don’t know if you’re “just booty” unless you talk about it with the guy you’re having sex with. Preferably BEFORE you have sex with him. What is so hard about that– especially if you were able to confront him when all he did was flirt without kissing you? Were you even thinking about what you wanted beyond that?

    It’s okay if you weren’t– but then why do you expect HIM to be thinking beyond kissing/having sex with you? He’s most likely just going with the flow, the same as you pretended to be doing (because if you’re agonizing over whether you’re “just booty”, then you aren’t really “going with the flow” anymore)

    Next time, when a previously platonic guy friend starts hanging out with you & being touchy, SAY something. Even if it’s just “Oh hey, what’s this now?” Decide what you want from him– casual sex? get to know each other? & then find out what he wants from you. It’s much better than wondering why you both keep having sex with each other.

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    • avatar

      apparently i'm LW May 30, 2012, 6:25 pm

      I know, I’m backwards when it comes to relationships. I don’t know how to work them. I know what I want. I have difficulties conveying what I really want because I don’t like being vulnerable. I have no problem being confident with sex. but feelings i’m a coward.

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      • Emily

        Emily June 10, 2012, 6:42 pm

        Don’t be so hard on yourself. Start being more self-compassionate, look for a good therapist, and learn to communicate better. I agree with the other DWers who stated you’re his booty call and that men are simple creatures. I hate the book He’s Just Not That Into You but to sum up its wisdom: if a man likes you and wants you in his life, he will respond to your texts, calls, etc. A man who cares finds the time to respond and usually explains why he was incommunicado earlier.

        Having sex is a lot easier than being in a relationship! A healthy relationship is a lot of work. The more I learn about relationships and myself, the more I realize I have left to learn but that’s apart of life. None of us like being/feeling vulnerable but you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to get close to someone (he should return the favor too.)

        The sooner you communicate and learn what’s there, the sooner you can figure out the next step you need to take here. If it turns out that he doesn’t want a relationship, move on, don’t settle. The world population is up to 7 billion, roughly 50% of these people are men which means there is no reason to settle. I do not know when it will happen but you will find a man you love who can love you back. You won’t find this guy if you settle for a man you know is wrong, and you will eliminate yourself from dating better options around you. Good luck!

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 9:34 am

    Can I just say that when I read the heading for this letter, I thought this was going to be about a girl with a phenomenal ass? Like the guy was only interested in her because she has a particularly well-shaped bum.

    As someone who has no bum to speak of, I was going to be a little bit jealous.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 9:36 am

      Idk, I thought it was going to be about pirates. Guess we are all disappointed, sweetpea.

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      • BriarRose

        BriarRose May 30, 2012, 10:07 am

        HA! I just wrote that above in reply to Katie. I was mighty disappointed that it wasn’t about pirates.

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      • katie

        katie May 30, 2012, 10:34 am

        im just glad im not the only one who thinks booty is a weird way to say what is going on here.

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      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 10:37 am

        I don’t like it either. I don’t like it one bit.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster May 30, 2012, 12:04 pm

        It made me feel weird every time I read “booty.” I chose not to respond because it’s irrational to hate the LW for making me think she is a 15-yr-old pirate with a big ass.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 9:37 am

    It really bothers me that people are comfortable enough to have sex with someone, but not enough to talk to that same person about it/their relationship.

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    • MandaNoA

      MandaNoA May 30, 2012, 2:54 pm

      I wish I could thmbs up this a million times!

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  • avatar

    DMR May 30, 2012, 9:42 am

    Answer: No.

    This guy wants to spend more time with you than you’re prepared to give, and enjoys hanging out with you laughing all night. That’s not a booty call. But you’re sending him mixed messages. For example…

    Rob wouldn’t kiss me the first couple of times we hung out, but would get all touchy, and then I confronted him about it, and he said he didn’t want to be too forward.

    you confronted the poor guy? And then as a result of this confrontation he backed off? Wow.

    when we do have sex, he wants me to stay the night. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

    I can read between the lines LW. I’m going to go out on a limb here.

    You’re the one stringing him along.

    His periods of silence are failed attempts to shake you into some kind of awareness that you’re playing him like a violin.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 9:44 am

      ? He didn’t back off after the confrontation, he slept with her immediately after it.

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      • avatar

        DMR May 30, 2012, 6:21 pm

        They had sex the next time he saw her (not that time) But I guess what was interesting about that exchange, to me, was it sounds like she made an accusation, and he apologized. Frankly it made her sound uptight and a bit princess-y. Maybe she’s not… but that’s how it sounded.

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    • Budj

      Budj May 30, 2012, 9:53 am

      Exactly. As I implied above I would definitely think this individual was flaky and/or stringing me along if she didn’t stay the night after sex and I wanted more than a booty call….not that I condone the passive aggressive behaviors he is promoting to send a message….but the LW is def not being clear here either.

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG May 30, 2012, 9:54 am

      I sort of see your point maybe tiny bit- there are TWO sides to every story. And maybe this guy really doesn’t know what the LW wants.

      But, it’s a BIG maybe. He doesn’t answer her texts and she goes days without hearing from him. I think it is pretty straight forward here- he sees her when it is convenient.

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      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 10:09 am

        But if those ignoring periods line up with days they have sex and she jets then I can see him being like…are we just friends?

        Hypothetical scenario that easily fits in with the LW’s descriptions….they hang out…they have sex…she leaves…he ignores….he gives in….they hang out…he holds off on sex a couple times….they have sex again….she stays….he is happy….next night they have sex…she leaves….she gets ignored…

        I know… a lot of …….. but I think that is a very likely situation. More likely than a booty call that was shy and needed the LW to be forward to initiate anything in the first place that resulted in him using her for sex? That part doesn’t add up. Dudes ready to FWB and drop at a moment’s notice typically have no issue being forward initially. Unless he is a manipulator….but I don’t really get that from this and she would have noticed that in his personality knowing him as he grew up.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 30, 2012, 10:14 am

        I think I’m with you on this one, Budj. The bottom line is, they need to sit down and have a talk. If being forward worked for her last time, then she should do it again. She should tell him what she wants from this and see what he says (rather than the more passive option, which would be to ask him what he wants or what he thinks is going on).

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      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 10:16 am

        haha. I agree. After everything they’ve been doing to each other leading in with “what do you want” would make him all “IT’S A TRAP!” like.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow May 30, 2012, 10:20 am

        Haha, yeah. He might not know how to answer that! I find that being direct usually works. Even if you don’t get the answer you want, at least you get out of limbo.

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      • Will.i.am

        Will.i.am May 30, 2012, 11:40 am

        Nice Star Wars reference.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 10:24 am

        You raise a good point about FWB-friendly guys usually have no issue in being forward, however, these 2 were friends, so I think he maybe was unsure if she would be interested in sleeping with him so he held off. Once he got the idea that she would game, he was all over it.

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      • avatar

        apparently i'm LW May 30, 2012, 6:35 pm

        the scenario played out, hang out… sleep together… stay the night… mild ignores… hang out… nothing…. ignores… hang out…. sex…. i leave because I have work and needed SOME sleep rather than no sleep.

        I don’t think he’s a manipulator but then again, whatever I think i really don’t know and majority of the time.

        I just don’t know what to do, I guess the general consensus is to talk to him. I just always heard that if you “press the issue” he’s going to run. and i didn’t really want that.

        it seems like i’m stuck in a rut that i don’t want to be in, part of me says just bail, another part of me say be decent and talk to him and give him the courtesy of communication, and the other part that says you’re FWB says you’re fucked and there’s no getting out of that situation.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson May 30, 2012, 6:42 pm

        If you press the issue – and he runs – then you have your answer. You were a FWB and it will be good to know. You really have nothing to lose by talking to him about it. Either you’ll get what you want (a relationship – if that is what you want) or you will get answers that can help you move on.

        I also don’t really think he’s treating you like a FWB, but for the love of god get some answers.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle May 30, 2012, 10:13 am

      Yeah, I do agree with you, Amanda & Budj that he might be getting mixed signals. It seems like he was trying to take it slow at first, & she was trying too hard to play cool.

      They both seem to be playing games, though– she’s only sleeping over sometimes, while he only answers her texts sometimes. I’m getting the feeling that those moves are calculated on both of their parts.

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      • Budj

        Budj May 30, 2012, 10:15 am

        could be. I think the best way to handle it is just be like “what is this?” Problem solved. I do think it’s ridiculous that people that are mature enough to have sex aren’t mature enough to have a 30 second to 10 minute conversation about their status.

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  • Heather

    Heather May 30, 2012, 10:20 am

    Wow. LW, what are you, 12? TALK TO HIM. From the sounds of your letter it seems like you are just FWB, however, there’s the possibility that he’s interpreting mixed signals, as others have said. Either way, be an adult and ask him.

    Just to be clear, I’m not going to give you flack for sleeping with him so soon. I am going to give you flack for doing that without having discussed any boundaries whatsoever and then acting confused. Hell, I would be too if I were him.

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  • Kristina

    Kristina May 30, 2012, 10:33 am

    Sigh, why are people so dumb? Just talk. Or better yet, know where you stand before you go off and have sex with someone.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson May 30, 2012, 11:16 am

    So I haven’t read any of the comments – but can I just say I’m a little jealous? I totally had a fantasy of marrying my childhood best friend. He was such a little cutie when we were taking baths together at 4 and I facebook stalked him and found out he is still a cutie as an adult. I would love to be his booty! (Well I mean I’m married – but it’s still a great fantasy)

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger May 30, 2012, 11:51 am

    I feel like I’m back to being on a completely different wavelength with the rest of the world.

    No, I don’t think you’re a “booty.” (Really?? that’s what the kids are saying?). And I totally disagree with all the people who think that history doesn’t matter. Of course it matters — the whole idea of “just a booty call” is that there are (presumably) few true feelings of admiration and emotional attachment (and often times – respect) between the caller and the callee. Your childhood friend most likely respects you. And most likely has an emotional feelings and possibly admiration. Those were established before the sex and don’t just disappear after the sex. Especially when that sex is accompanied by long talks, sleep overs, cuddling, whispering, over and over.

    Sometimes people ignore texts. Sometimes they don’t get them until later and feel dumb responding. I think we may be applying this “If he liked you, he’d be in a relationship with you” with too heavy of a hand. Yes, guys who like you tend not disappear and flake and date other people and sleep with other people and marry other people and impregnate other people. But they also don’t get down on bended knee before anything has happened to profess their affection. It’s a process. It sounds like you’re in the middle of that process.

    I also disagree that she somehow “blew it” by sleeping with him “too fast.” When you have feelings like that, based on mutual attraction, admiration, respect and emotional affection, sometimes the sex does and SHOULD happen first, before the conversation. Otherwise you won’t know if you’re on the same page. Of course, you might not be on the same page after, but at least you know you’re on the “want to sleep together” page. It may go the way you want, it may not, but I’ve had several relationships start by kissing/sex a SIGN that you are interested in a romantic relationship. Romance people. It isn’t dead. This is romantic — you don’t need roses and bath oils and jewelry for it to be romantic. You are having a ROMANCE with your old friend; take your doubts out of the gutter. Maybe it will be a committed relationship ending with babies and a white picket fence. Maybe it will be a couple of months of a strange but awesome connection with someone who knew you when. Enjoy it if you are enjoying it and shape it or bail if you aren’t. But don’t bother about worrying if you are “booty.” You brought this relationship out of the dark, enjoy it for what it is and what it might be — a romance.

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    • avatar

      rachel May 30, 2012, 12:00 pm

      I agree that their past probably means he is more likely to not just consider her a booty call, and I definitely can’t judge someone sleeping with a guy too fast.

      The problem is that she feels like she might just be a booty call, or FWB or whatever. If she’s worried about that, she needs to have a conversation with him about the expectations of their relationship.

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger May 30, 2012, 12:08 pm

        I just meant that if she’s worried about that because she’s feeling “used” or disrespected or feels like she is supposed to worry about that then she could try looking at the entire thing as a romantic affair with someone who knows her and has genuine feelings for her and that it doesn’t have rules, so she isn’t being disrespected by his lack of playing by any. But if she genuinely feels uncomfortable in the relationship or actually does feel used (as opposed to wondering if she should feel used), then of course she should do something about it or talk to him about it (that is what i meant by “shape [the relationship]” — to a place where she is enjoying it). If she wants him to be her boyfriend and all that entails, then she should talk to him. If her goal is to enjoy herself while keeping her self-respect, then I don’t think she needs to have a “DTF” talk — she should evaluate whether or not she is happy and act accordingly to maintain that.

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      • avatar

        rachel May 30, 2012, 1:00 pm

        I understand what you’re saying. It’s a bit confusing because the LW never actually says what she wants. She didn’t tell us she was feeling used or even that she would be opposed to being FWB.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow May 30, 2012, 1:19 pm

      I agree with you completely.

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    • katie

      katie May 30, 2012, 1:21 pm

      yea this is true.

      what i meant by saying that your past with someone doesnt matter is almost the opposite of what you have said- i think a past friendship doesnt automatically mean that your in a relationship if you start having sex. but as you have said, having a past with someone doesnt mean that they are just using you either- they most likely arent using you if you were good friends. that makes sense.

      i do think its dangerous for this girl to think that just because they used to be good friends she cant be hurt by this. i mean really it all comes down to just figuring out everyones intentions.

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      DMR May 30, 2012, 6:27 pm

      I totally agree with 6napkinburger’s comments. Text messages are for the flirting stage. You’re way beyond that, LW.

      Plus, you’re reading way too much into text message response time. Personally, I can’t stand text messages. People treat them like something you need to jump to attention and respond to right away, but they’re more like emails.

      My ex-wife used to send them all the time (she still does, now I think about it), and it was very annoying. Note to LW (and other women) Many guys aren’t into text messages. Probably something to do with the higher levels of need for social verbal behaviour across gender, or something like that. But I, along with other guys, have more to do than send you text messages all day. If I like you (listen carefully, LW), I want you to come over, have sex with me, and hang out for the night. Not send me a barrage of SMS while I’m at work.

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        DMR May 30, 2012, 6:49 pm

        It could be that there’s no problem here and the boyfriend considers himself to be her boyfriend. He may be wondering exactly the same thing. “Am I a booty call.”

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 12:23 pm

    Sounds to me like you are his very special friends with benefits… But of course, the best way to find out exactly how he views you is to simply, you know, ask him. Honestly, I don’t see how or why do such would be labeled as “pushing the issue…”

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      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 12:25 pm

      Goes back to the whole “I’d rather seem cool than actually speak my mind.” Grrr.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 12:30 pm

        The irony here is that it’s not seeming cool, though — instead it’s implying to me and to him that she DOESN’T WANT a relationship.

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        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 12:32 pm

        I focused in on the not responding to texts as him being uninterested. Seems like you and a bunch others, presumably, focused on her sometimes stay over, sometimes not as her displaying disinterest.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark May 30, 2012, 12:37 pm

        No, no. I was focusing solely on the fact that she doesn’t want to push the issue. If I’m sleeping with somebody and they don’t ever even so much as mention the possibility of a “relationship”, I pretty much assume that they don’t want one. I would say that with a straight couple, that’s even more clear cut for the guy because, let’s face it, isn’t is almost always the girl who brings up and wants to talk and thus define the relationship? If I was the guy here, I would probably assume that she wasn’t all that interested either….

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        lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 12:41 pm

        Hmm. Ok, I could see that. Still doesn’t say much for mankind that there is only one who will bring up a relationship talk and always one who will assume the other will mention it or doesn’t want it. Its all very bizarre that two adults who have sex together have such difficulty discussing things together.

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    MlleML May 30, 2012, 12:37 pm

    NOTICE TO ALL PROSPECTIVE LWs: If you have to ask if you are just booty to him/he just wants you for sex/etc., the answer is yes.

    Now I’m going to go read the letter.

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      DMR May 30, 2012, 10:04 pm

      I don’t think that’s right in this case. I think she is just clueless about men.

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    AnotherWendy May 30, 2012, 12:42 pm

    LW, just ask him what’s up. First figure out what YOU want out of this. Then say to him “so, kind of seems like this has evolved into a FWB situation and I’m feeling_________ about us being FWB. How do you feel about it?”

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      lets_be_honest May 30, 2012, 12:43 pm

      And there you go LW. A perfectly laid out sentence for you to repeat.

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    Neatist May 30, 2012, 1:13 pm

    You’re only treated the way you ALLOW yourself to be treated. It seems clear from your letter than you were seeking a relationship early on, but had sex before you had a talk with him about what he wanted between the both of you. Thats your mistake. Communicate! Im not sure what age you are, but the sooner you learn this the better. If you don’t want to be used for sex then don’t let yourself be used – get to know your partner thoroughly before risking emotions, illness and pregnancy with someone who isn’t on the same page as you.

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    Tracey May 30, 2012, 12:36 pm

    LW, from what you’ve described, it’s safe to assume you’re his booty call and you want more from him than that. So it’s time for you to figure out what you want, then sit him down and ask for it.

    Keeping with the booty theme, there is a but you need to be aware of. Be ready for him to say something to the tune of, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now…” and know that the “dot, dot, dot” means, “I’m not ready for a relationship right now with you…and probably never will be.” You two have known each other for some time, and if he’d been interested in a relationship with you, he would’ve acted on it by now. If this is not what you want, then MOA and don’t make an ass out of yourself by pressing him for more than he’s willing to give you.

    Oh yeah, don’t do the ass backwards thing and settle for the status quo hoping you can change his mind. You won’t, and you’ll only hurt yourself more in the end.

    Good luck….

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