In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I’m a 24-year-old woman who’s pretty intelligent and have NEVER (yes, never) had any sort of romantic encounter. No sex, no date, no boyfriend, no kiss, no drunken make-out session, no hand-holding — not even a meaningful/sexual/appreciative hug. Nothing.
It bothers me quite a bit, more so now than ever. I talk about sex all the time, more than I would like, out of exasperation and desperation. A girl has her needs! I feel so left behind – and I’ve been trying to figure out why it just hasn’t happened for me.
I’ve begun focusing on the way I look. It seems to be the only thing that I can think of that is keeping guys away (even my terribly unstable/unhappy friends have tons of guys interested in them, so I don’t believe “confidence” is the issue). I’m simply not attractive. I’m a black female, and it seems that being a black female comes at the bottom of the totem pole in terms of desirability. Because of how I look, people generally expect me to act a certain stereotypical way, including many of the guys that I’ve been attracted to. When I don’t “fulfill the stereotype,” people (and especially guys) are always “surprised” that I’m articulate and have a creative mind, which makes me even more depressed about dating. I’m also overweight (I have been my whole life), and I’ve been nearly starving/killing myself in the gym to get rid of the massive amount of weight I need to lose (the doctor says I have 100 lbs. to go). I’ve lost maybe 10 lbs. in the last three months (it’s always been difficult for me to lose weight).
I’m sick of bothering my friends every time I want to do something. I hate the fact that I’m not having sex, when I know for a fact that everyone else I know has. Give it to me straight: is it possible that I’m just not attractive enough to find someone? I’m very different looking, so being too unattractive to date wouldn’t surprise me that much. — Can’t Get Noticed (No, Really)
Come on, everyone: this girl needs a major-ass pep talk and a bit of a reality check (that thing about black women not being desirable? WTF.)!