Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “He Asked Me To Bed instead of Asking Me Out”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

For the last two years, I have been off the socializing and dating scene, due to friends settling down, work commitments, and concentrating on bringing up my son. This past Saturday, however, an old, newly single friend of mine asked me to come out with her and it was a blast. We had so much fun, and later on in the evening I bumped in to a guy I knew from 12 years ago. He was a work friend of a fiancé of mine at the time, and we had always gotten on really well, could talk for hours and had a lot in common — more so than the fiancé I was with then (but he had a partner and so did I and neither of us crossed the line). It was great to see him and even after 12 years nothing had changed and we chatted for maybe six hours until 4 AM. He told me he had finally split from his wife two months ago and was now living with his sister and family in the pub we were drinking in.

Toward the end of the evening he asked me to stay the night with him but it came out of the blue! We hadn’t really been flirting — just chatting — and he hadn’t given me any indication he fancied me; we hadn’t kissed or anything, so I was a bit shocked and just replied with a ‘NO,’ and quickly changed the subject. We chatted for about another hour then he disappeared. I thought he had gone to the toilet but his sister said he would have gone to bed as that’s what he does when he just disappears after he’s had enough to drink.

I was a bit disappointed he went straight to the “lets f**k,” rather than ask me out on a date, which I would of jumped at the chance if he had asked. We both had been drinking a lot, so it’s left me wondering if he just thought I would be an easy lay? Or did he feel so comfortable with me it just felt right? We didn’t exchange phone numbers and I am now over-analyzing everything! How do I act or what do I say when I see him again, as I am bound to do as I have arranged to meet a couple of girlfriends in the same pub next Saturday. I really like him but I don’t want to be just a notch on his bed post. Should I act like the asking me up to bed didn’t happen and just speak to him like normal? Or am I wasting my time on this guy? — Back on the Scene

84 comments… add one
  • avatar

    amy April 19, 2012, 9:22 am

    It sounds like you’re lonely. You haven’t seen this guy in a very long time and he just split with his wife 2 months ago. He also just up and left you at the pub without saying good bye.

    I think he is on the rebound and you are looking for something more, which I don’t think you will get from this guy.

    Either make your plans at a different pub, or go to the pub and act just as friends with this guy. I wouldn’t pursue any type of relationship with him, I doubt he’s looking for one.

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    • avatar

      amy April 19, 2012, 9:23 am

      You’re putting way too much thought into something that frankly, will lead no where. I would MOA.

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  • Leroy

    Leroy April 19, 2012, 9:24 am

    Sounds like you’ve run into a guy whose marriage has recently failed and so he is living in a bar – in his case, literally.

    That’s the most generous interpretation of his actions. Don’t take it personally. You might want to get a look at him when he’s fully sober to determine if he’s really the person that you thought he was.

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  • avatar

    Ktfran April 19, 2012, 9:24 am

    LW –

    You are overanalyzing. It’s not uncommon for guys to try to take a girl to bed after a night of drinking and chatting. It’s also not uncommon for anyone – male or female – to just peace out after an entire night of drinking.

    Honestly, I would act normal. Next time you see him, you can say it was great catching up with him. Maybe even say the two of you should grab lunch, or dinner or something sometime. Let things progress naturally.

    I wouldn’t read too much into his actions. He was enjoying your company and tried to take it a step further.

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    • avatar

      Nadine April 19, 2012, 9:27 am

      I think this too. If he had asked for her number I would more firmly look in this direction, but even so, maybe he just was a bit drunk? I think he could be worth giving another chance. If she sees him again, and the conversation flows as before, suggest a non-alcohol based get together. How keen he is for that, and then how he acts on the date, will be more telling than what is described here.
      Good luck LW!

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      • rainbow

        rainbow April 19, 2012, 9:37 am

        I don’t know… I think she should believe this dude when he tells her who he is right now. And that is someone who just “split from his wife” (he’s probably not even divorced yet, and he probably has all his stuff at her place and lots of drama going on), lives in a bar and just wants drunk sex, which is not what she wants at all. Maybe in a couple of years?

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      • avatar

        Sue Jones April 19, 2012, 10:27 am

        And if he spends a lot of time at the pub, he could be an alcoholic or at the very least binge drinking to deal with the divorce.

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      • avatar

        Nadine April 19, 2012, 10:35 am

        He lives at the pub, doesn’t he? I’m not saying its a great idea, but its his house right now.

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      • avatar

        Sue Jones April 19, 2012, 12:02 pm

        Still people who stay up until 4AM drinking… and how does one “live in a pub?” is the LW in the UK? Is the pub sort of an inn? Does his sister and their family own and run the pub? Just wondering. Bars close at 2AM here.

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      • avatar

        Ktfran April 19, 2012, 12:59 pm

        If they live in a big city, there are plenty of apartments or houses above restaurants and/or pubs. Or dry cleaners, or pretty much any business. Also, if his sister owns the pub, I can easisly see how the house or living quarters are attached.

        Where I live, which is in the U.S., we have 2 a.m. bars and 4 a.m. bars. It’s not that uncommon. If we was staying up until 4:00 a.m. every night drinking, then yes, he has a problem. Doing it occasionally on the weekend does not indicate he has a problem.

        Also, it’s so easy to peace out if you’ve had a too few many drinks. You get tired, you leave, you go to sleep.

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      • avatar

        Ktfran April 19, 2012, 1:00 pm

        * he was, not we was

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      • rainbow

        rainbow April 19, 2012, 2:39 pm

        You people go to bed really early. We have 5:00 A.M. places and 8:00 A.M. places around here (and some next-noon places, but those are just 8:00 A.M. places who “forget to close” and pay the police a bit extra). Parties and discos usually start at is 1:00 A.M, but there won’t be many people at that time, so it’s generally cheaper to get in until 2:00 AM.

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      • Budj

        Budj April 19, 2012, 2:41 pm

        Bars close at 1 am in my town :X

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      • avatar

        Anna April 19, 2012, 2:44 pm

        Haha! I should move to Argentina apparently; I would fit right in there! Staying up until 5 am or later drinking is pretty commonplace for me, and I don’t like to get up earlier than noon.

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      • avatar

        Ktfran April 19, 2012, 3:16 pm

        rainbow –

        there might be bars open later . . . but after 3:00, I’m ready for bed. And that is rare. 1:00 is about average. I’m old. And lame now apparently.

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      • avatar

        Ktfran April 19, 2012, 10:27 am

        I actully forgot about the just divorced part when I wrote my response. So yes, I think he probably doesn’t want a relationship right now. Still, I don’t think it would hurt for her to become friends with him and see where it goes later.

        I know plently of people who met at a bar, slept together, then dated for a long time or got married. It’s not unheard of and that’s where I was coming from with my advice, until I remembered the divorce.

        LW – proceed with caution.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar April 19, 2012, 9:25 am

    A man that wants to ask you out – will. He asked for what he wanted – you said no. By all means be friendly when you see him but this isn’t the guy for you – at least not now – he isn’t ready for more than he asked for.

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    • Brad

      Brad April 19, 2012, 12:53 pm

      “A man that wants to ask you out – will.” This simply isn’t true.

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 12:54 pm

        isn’t true in all cases*

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      • Lili

        Lili April 19, 2012, 12:56 pm

        Why is that Brad? I’ve heard all the chic self help books preaching that a man who wants to ask you out will move mountains to make it happen, but it seems a bit rom-comy to me as well.

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 1:20 pm

        Oh there are dozens of things that could conspire to keep a guy from asking the one he’s interested in out. Maybe he lacks the confidence to believe that she will say yes and avoids asking her out to prevent things from being awkward. Maybe he works with her and fears what could happen to his career if things end badly. Maybe he doesn’t ask her out because he knows something about his personality/lifestyle is a deal breaker for her. Maybe he doesn’t want to ask her out because she’s the ex of his friend. Maybe he [incorrectly] assumes that she and that guy friend of hers are dating/interested in each other. Maybe he made a subtle move and she unknownlingly responded to it in a way that made him feel rejected. The list goes on.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow April 19, 2012, 1:46 pm

        I agree with you, Brad. And I think women should do more asking instead of assuming that if he REALLY wanted to, he just would… and then waiting and overanalyzing and making themselves neurotic.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow April 19, 2012, 1:46 pm

        (which is what i do. i neurotically overanalyze).

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      • Lili

        Lili April 19, 2012, 1:48 pm

        I do TOO! Oh and i put myself down a lot to be funny. But I’m realizing that was only funny to a certain kind of man who WANTED to feel superior. Man DW pop psychology is amazing!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow April 19, 2012, 2:25 pm

        I do that too!! But so do a lot of guys. I like relationships where me and my guy can make fun of each other – playfully – and laugh about it.

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      • avatar

        Muffy April 19, 2012, 1:53 pm

        Yeah I agree – you can always tell the kind of guy who needs a little pushing to ask a girl out so flirt a lot with him, pay attention to him and he’ll likely come around if you show you’re interested in him- some guys need more than others. If you’re the kind of girl who doesn’t mind asking a guy out (and he’s the kind of guy who responds favorably to that) then go for it yourself!

        This is going to sound backwards but I just don’t like asking guys out – I prefer when they ask me out – but I have pretty traditional values (not living together before marriage) so the kind of guy who prefers a girl to ask him out is probably not the one that would align with my point of view

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 2:05 pm

        It’s just easier and to be confident when there’s a little something to go on—at least for me it is.

        The last woman I asked out for example I was going back and forth in my head for a few weeks trying to decide if I should ask her out or not. We were friends and have mututal friends together so I didn’t want to ask her out unless I felt she was interested too because if I was wrong I was worried it would make things awkward when our group hungout in the future. She was the naturally friendly type so it was hard for me to tell if her flirting was just her being nice/herself or specifically targeted to me. What finally made me realize there was more behind her flirting was when we were playing cards at a party one night and she came and sat in my lap and later mooned me when I said something crass, lol.

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      • Budj

        Budj April 19, 2012, 2:45 pm

        I think it has more to do with shyness than traditional relationship alignments….in fact I would hazard a guess that the quiet ones are probably a higher percentage of “traditional” minded.

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      • Budj

        Budj April 19, 2012, 2:43 pm

        I support this post…

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      • avatar

        Mainer April 19, 2012, 1:32 pm

        “I’ve heard all the chic self help books preaching…”

        We could start here.

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      • Lili

        Lili April 19, 2012, 1:34 pm

        HAHAHA. I’ll admit, I’ve read my fair share.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar April 19, 2012, 6:04 pm

        If he had the balls to ask for sex – he was capable of asking for a date. I agree with you that not all men will ask off the bat – but those guys aren’t asking for sex right away either.

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 6:14 pm

        Agreed but i wasn’t speaking about the guy from the letter.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar April 19, 2012, 7:00 pm

        Honestly, I always liked the boys that took a minute before asking me. It felt more sincere than the boys that would ask right away.
        I did have a friend once who liked me – didn’t ask me out – and then got mad at me for not asking HIM.

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  • rainbow

    rainbow April 19, 2012, 9:26 am

    You should do whatever but thinking of this dude as date material. I don’t think what he did was wrong, lots of people might have been interested in jumping into bed with him, but you’re obviously not one of them. So just don’t sweat it. Be nice to him if you feel like chatting, Ignore him if you feel like doing so, just don’t spend any more energy thinking of him and how to act. There are men who want to date women before they have sex with them, and you should focus on those if that’s what you want (and it obviously is, and that isn’t wrong either!).

    So far no one has disrespected anybody. Try to get a date out of him and you’re giving him an opportunity to do so (an opportunity he will most likely take, with all the drinking and recent divorce and not even having a place to live and stuff). Go find people more compatible with you.

    Also, isn’t it at least a bit weird that you suddenly can’t stop thinking of the FIRST DUDE you sort of click with even though he sort of acted like a pig in your book (which, again, is a perfectly reasonable book, just like his). You’ve been out of the scene for years, take some more time to see who’s out there before obsessing with one of them.

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    • avatar

      Muffy April 19, 2012, 10:00 am

      Yeah LW, you’ll click with other people as well. Don’t over focus on something that is non-existent

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  • avatar

    katiebird April 19, 2012, 9:33 am

    His marriage broke apart 2 months ago, he is definitely not looking to get into anything serious again any time soon. This is an issue of timing, continue the friendship, and reassess in 6-12 months about a relationship. By that time he may be ready for something new, but until then its definitely too soon for a serious relationship

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    • avatar

      Ktfran April 19, 2012, 10:23 am

      I like this advice. A lot.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow April 19, 2012, 10:57 am

        Me too.

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  • avatar

    oldie April 19, 2012, 9:33 am

    It is not a bad idea to visit the bar and chat with him again. Try to catch him reasonably sober. You don’t know how much he’s changed from the past, but from your letter, he is a guy who recognized boundaries and the two of you had a lot in common. Perhaps you still do. Unless he raises the issue of his offer of the prior night, you shouldn’t either. He may not even remember it, if he was that wasted by the end of your conversation. My guess is if he thought of you as just a notch in his bedpost, that the offer would have come a lot earlier than six hours of conversation. It wasn’t just six hours of convo with a stranger, it seems you both were picking up from where you were years ago and he decided to cross the bridge you both avoided back then.

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  • avatar

    Mel April 19, 2012, 9:34 am

    You remind me of something a friend once said: “HE’s the one that got rejected! Why should *I* be the one that feels weird about this?!”.

    “so it’s left me wondering if he just thought I would be an easy lay? Or did he feel so comfortable with me it just felt right?”
    Is either of those a good thing? You don’t seem to take sex lightly (you were alarmed at his proposal), and he does (at least, he appears to now that he has just ended his marriage). I’d say, pretend that nothing happened, act friendly with him, and look for someone else.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray April 19, 2012, 9:34 am

    Yes, you should act like the asking you up to bed didn’t happen and just speak to him like normal. (That’s what I’d do, anyway. I often make bad choices, though. But eh, whatever, this was not that big of a deal.) As for whether you’re wasting your time, I guess it depends on what you want. He seems like a fun guy to talk to at a bar – you clearly get along, and he could become a friend. You’re not wasting your time if that’s something you’re interested in. If you’re hoping he asks you out, and you become a couple and you date exclusively and bla bla blah, you’re probably wasting your time. He only split from his wife 2 months ago, so he’s probably not ready to date seriously. Plus, if he were interesting in dating you, he probably wouldn’t have asked you to bed like that, and he wouldn’t have just left the bar without saying goodbye. But, why not just become friends? Maybe he has some cute single friends. And then maybe you could set me up on a blind date with one of them…

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    • avatar

      Nadine April 19, 2012, 10:09 am

      I concur.

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  • Budj

    Budj April 19, 2012, 9:37 am

    Some people go to bed and then go on a date…just sayin…but yea…probably on the rebound so stay away from him for a bit if you want a better chance at something serious.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray April 19, 2012, 9:41 am

      oh em gee, budj. lookit, our comments miraculously fell right next to each other. do you think it’s a sign? (i’m so good at desperate flirting. over coffee and the today show. i’m also a little high on cleaning supplies – i’ve been cleaning ferociously since like 5 am.) anyway, it’s a sign! (see, LW, this is how you should act around men.)

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      • Budj

        Budj April 19, 2012, 10:13 am

        I saw the sign….and it opened up my eyes.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest April 19, 2012, 10:41 am

        Heard that the other day on the radio and thought, man this is a great song. How sad is that?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray April 19, 2012, 1:00 pm

        One of my favorites!

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    • rainbow

      rainbow April 19, 2012, 9:42 am

      This has been the order for me every time, but it only worked because I only wanted sex and then liked the guy enough to date him. Jumping into bed with someone you really like just in case it makes him realize he wants to give you what you want is never a good idea.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow April 19, 2012, 10:53 am

        Me too (although not EVERY time). Get drunk, hook up, realize you like each other as more than just banging buddies, then start dating. Haha.

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      • Lili

        Lili April 19, 2012, 12:36 pm

        I really need to learn this secret. Maybe I just choose horribly non committal men who ARE only lookin for hookups but I have NEVER been able to keep a guy around to the sober up and realize we like each other point. Am I doing ‘it’ wrong maybe?

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow April 19, 2012, 12:50 pm

        Haha. I don’t know. With my ex, we actually had been talking online for a while, so maybe it doesn’t count. But yeah, I basically did everything “wrong” with him and we got together regardless.

        The next morning, though, we did stay in bed for HOURS just talking and laughing. I felt really comfortable around him, like I had already known him for a long time. I guess we just clicked. We went on a real date a couple of days later. It’s probably just luck of the draw, not anything you’re doing “wrong.” I know for a fact that he was just looking for a hookup and not anything serious, but a relationship just kinda happened anyway.

        So it’s probably not the best way to go about doing things.

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 12:57 pm

        Have you tried just keeping them drunk then? 🙂

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      • Lili

        Lili April 19, 2012, 1:04 pm

        Good point. I need a test subject now. You volunteering?!

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 1:33 pm

        Wait so just so we’re clear here, you’re offering to get me drunk, have your way with me, and then keep the cycle going without break. Do you really expect me to say no to this? lol.

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      • mandalee

        mandalee April 19, 2012, 2:01 pm

        Yes. Every boyfriend I’ve ever had including my husband, we hooked up before our first official date, and somehow I was always surprised when it happened like “Wait, we already hooked up, why do you want to buy me dinner now? lol

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      • avatar

        Morgan April 19, 2012, 2:05 pm

        That’s how I met my boyfriend.

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  • theattack

    theattack April 19, 2012, 9:42 am

    If he wanted to ask you out, he would have. Don’t change your plans for him, because it’s not like some horrible thing happened. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Go to the pub with your girlfriends, and whatever happens happens. Do not count on him changing his mind and asking you out, because he’s on the rebound, but it could happen.

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    • avatar

      cporoski April 19, 2012, 12:38 pm

      Don’t you think it is convienent that you she is obsessing about a guy and it just so happens that she is showing up where he lives next weekend with her girlfriends? LW, I would not go to the bar and I think you are doing this on purpose to see him again. THis guy is in a messy place, dont try it.

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  • avatar

    Muffy April 19, 2012, 9:56 am

    You’re overthinking things LW: The guy’s on the rebound looking for casual sex-you’re not. If he wanted to ask you out he would have – instead he asked for sex and you weren’t up for that and he didn’t ask you out after that anyways. This guy is not the one for you right now. Maybe after a while he might be but right now I don’t think he is. Be friendly and look out for someone else who wants to take you out on a date.

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  • avatar

    J. Walker April 19, 2012, 10:00 am

    were those his actual words though? “spend the night?” maybe that’s British for sex but if he just asked you to spend the night, and didn’t specify the activities to follow, maybe he just meant like spend the night at his place rather than driving home or whatever. Just another perspective. If that was the case, he probably took your “no!” to mean that you didn’t even want to stay there for the night so he was hurt and just peaced. Which is still kind of douchy but whatever… If that’s the case just be like oh maybe I misread what you were saying that might I’m not looking for a hookup.

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  • avatar

    Mainer April 19, 2012, 10:08 am

    After a night of drinking, anything said after 2am should be null and void. He very well may have went upstairs to fuck a vacuum cleaner. When guys get drunk, we think things are going better than they are. Our intellect, our coordination, our aiming skills at the john. He thought his conversation with you was going so good that maybe you’d say “what the hell, let’s bone.” Drunk guys tend to throw out ideas as they enter their head. We have some of our greatest life ambitions when we’re drunk. Anything from brilliant business ideas to inspirations of learning a new language and upping our world travel. Inevitably, if you give us enough time, we’ll feel the need to share the fact that we’re horny. It seems like a good idea at the time. It was likely some obvious sexual advancement on your part, like scratching your ear or sneezing. When we’re drunk, we’ll take anything as a “come on” to confirm our inner monologue convincing us we’re hot and every girl would be lucky to have us. But don’t worry, saying “no” to an offer to sleep with us is no more damaging than saying “no” to a suggestion that we split a pizza. Pretend it didn’t happen, and if he brings it up, just roll it off and saying something like “yeah, you were pretty drunk.” It’s up to you if you want to go on a formal date with this guy. You’re just getting back into the dating scene and he’s just getting off a divorce. You’re both not really in a position to jump into anything serious, so if you want to casually date with the guy a little then go for it.

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    • avatar

      PFG-SCR April 19, 2012, 10:48 am

      Very nice and hilarious response, mainer! 

      “…saying “no” to an offer to sleep with us is no more damaging than saying “no” to a suggestion that we split a pizza.”

      I’m not sure if this would be true of all guys. Even if asked when drunk, I’d think some guys might feel some sense of rejection in the morning. Since he’s been out of the dating scene for a while, he might even be a bit embarrassed that he asked her in such a way. 

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      • avatar

        Mainer April 19, 2012, 11:11 am

        “I’d think some guys might feel some sense of rejection in the morning.”

        The world would be a better place if this were true.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh April 19, 2012, 11:01 am

      nothing good happens after 2 am!

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary April 19, 2012, 11:55 am

        I 100 percent agree that nothing good happens after 2am. This past weekend I was out with my girl friend and we were trying to decide what to do–keep on partying or just go home at a reasonable hours. I put on my sober hat and decided that we should just go home because nothing good happens after 2am. We would’ve just gotten stuck in an inconvenient part of the city with a 60 dollar cab fare.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay April 19, 2012, 10:08 am

    His asking you to stay doesn’t say anything about you, nor does it say anything deeper about his comfort around you. He’s probably on the rebound. If you are not interested in that sort of thing, then just move on. If you spend more time on the dating scene, you’ll find more guys you are interested in sex and nothing more, so just keep an eye out for that, especially if you want something more.

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  • BriarRose

    BriarRose April 19, 2012, 10:27 am

    LW, it’s tough when you finally dip your toe back into the dating world, only to have an odd, somewhat disappointing interaction with someone, especially someone you had always admired from afar. It’s completely understandable that you are confused, since you were obviously happy to see this old friend and then things took an odd turn. But just try not to give it any more thought, as his man right now doesn’t seem to have the potential to be anything more, due to his marraige just ending. You said no to his proposition which was your choice, no one’s feelings seem hurt, and there’s no reason to focus on it. Reading too much into will just cause you undue confusion, so treat him in a friendly manner next time you see him, and just move on.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow April 19, 2012, 10:46 am

      I like your comment a lot. Probably because this just happened to me to and yes, it sucks =(

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle April 19, 2012, 10:28 am

    It sounds like his sensibilities are just different from yours. Personally, I wouldn’t be scandalized if some guy I’d been talking to all night (who lives right upstairs from the bar, apparently?) decided to proposition me before he went to bed. I’d probably just laugh & be like “Nice try! Have a good night!” So just take it as-is—- he tried! I’m sure his attempt wasn’t made because you seem like an “easy lay” or anything like that. HE was just feeling easy at the time, and “do you want to fuck?” seemed like an appropriate question. (Like “they” say, if you don’t ask…)

    Anyway, as Mainer wrote above… anything said after 2am should, in most cases, be voided. So don’t bring this up next time you’re chatting with him. Also, I have to inquire– why are you asking if you’re “wasting your time”? You spent one night with him, just talking! It’s more accurate to say that you’re maybe wasting your mental energy analyzing this situation.

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  • avatar

    Suzanne April 19, 2012, 10:43 am

    You’re looking for a serious relationship, he’s not. Besides, do you really want a newly-divorced guy who drinks too much and lives in a bar getting close to your son? Your instincts are right – go for someone more stable and balanced. Good luck!

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow April 19, 2012, 10:49 am

    Why don’t you ask him out next time you see him and see what he says? At least ask him for his number.

    He’s probably just looking for a rebound, though.

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  • Tracey

    Tracey April 19, 2012, 11:23 am

    He asked for a booty call, you said no, he disappeared – literally. Nothing more to see here…MOA.

    Feel free to go back to that pub whenever you want, but don’t go with the intent of creating some huge romcom or overly dramatic moment when (or even if) you see him there again. There are three possible options that will play out when/if you do see him. Here’s what I’d do:

    If he asks you for the booty call again, say no and tell him why. It sounds like you’re more into him than he’s into you, which is reasonable given that you’re back on the dating scene looking for a relationship and he’s fresh out of one on the rebound.

    If he apologizes for being so forward and asks you out on a date, then go with what your head and your gut (and no other body part) says. (FWIW, in this scenario, I’d go on the date…as long as it was truly a date. I wouldn’t drink a lot so that alcohol doesn’t cloud my judgment on that date and really let you observe his behavior towards you. I’d also not get physical on that first date, again just to size up where his head is and to give yourself the clearest possible view of that so you can make up your mind what you want from him. That’s what this is all about, by the way: What do you want from him? What do you want in a romantic partner? Do you want a relationship, or are you just looking to have fun? Think about it, make your choice and settle for nothing less.)

    If he doesn’t say anything to you, then we’re back to where we started: He asked you for a booty call, you said no, he disappeared…literally. Nothing more to see here…MOA.

    Good luck….

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  • avatar

    Morgan April 19, 2012, 11:34 am

    He broke up with his wife 2 months ago. Casual sex is probably all the dude can handle. I wouldn’t hold it against him, but he’s not in a place to be in a relationship right now. He may need a friend though, and it sounded like you two got along well.

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  • avatar

    AndreaMarie April 19, 2012, 11:38 am

    The guy is probably not ready to jump into a relationship or even dating. He just ended his marriage (which if he was married to the woman he was with 12 years ago than he could have ended a 10 year marriage). He’s moved in with his family…in a pub….. Im sure the last thing on his mind is another relationship. He’s probably lonely, and sad, and scattered. I wouldn’t take him asking you to stay over offensively. Probably talking with you and getting attention made him feel good and confident etc…then add in some serious drinking and he probably wanted the feeling of being witha woman in a positive way. (he might have been fighting and distant with his wife for quite sometime).

    Theres nothing wrong with chatting and catching up but I wouldn’t put too much into thinking this guy could be your next boyfriend.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant April 19, 2012, 12:01 pm

    Hey, at least he was upfront about what he wanted!

    He could have asked you out, taken you out on amazing date, gone home together…and then never called.

    He didn’t ask you out because he’s not looking to go out (with you or maybe anyone). I’m sure it’s not personal.

    It doesn’t even sound like when you declined him he got belligerent or ignored you right away. And, he drunkenly wondered off at the end of the night, oh well. Sounds like that’s his MO, not a slight to you.

    What do you say to him when you see him next? I don’t know, how about “Nice to see you again.” or “How have you been?” or even “How bad was your hang-over? Mine was the worst.” I bet it’ll only be awkward if you make it so.

    And on a related topic, are you interested in getting back out there? It sounds like maybe that’s what you want. If so, go for it! Set up an online dating account, ask for set-ups, ask guys out *yourself*.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ April 19, 2012, 1:03 pm

    He just left his wife 2 months ago. He was looking for a lay. Plain and simple. He, by his own admission, lives at the bar (or above it), so it’s home to him. You were there and he knew you, so he figured he’d test the waters with someone somewhat familiar to him. Someone he hadn’t been able to “connect” with previously.

    It was a dick move to ditch you and go to bed without saying good-bye. That was probably because he was embarassed at being shot down so vehemently and bluntly. That’s the price one pays for being so up front about wanting sex in a public place.

    Considering his behavior – don’t bother giving this guy a second chance for a while. He’s still “sowing his oats” and living it up after separating from his wife. He needs at least a year to get that out of his system. If he acts like a gentleman in a year – then consider a date, but no sex for at least 5 dates (to ensure that he isn’t just trying to get in your pants – y’know, the thrill of the unknown).

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    • avatar

      ele4phant April 19, 2012, 1:16 pm

      I kind of want to disagree that he was being a dick – fumbling and inelegant in his request perhaps, inebriated certainly, but let’s give him a shred of credit.

      The letter writer says they talked for another hour after he asked, so he hardly ditched her upon learning her disinterest. And it is rude to leave without saying goodnight to someone you’ve been talking to for hours, buuuutttt according to the sister that’s not uncommon when he’s been drinking heavily, so I don’t think it was personal or due to embarrassment. I would hope if he were sober he’d better remember the social niceties, but if he was plastered, he gets the benefit of the doubt. Once.

      I agree though, this guy doesn’t want a relationship, and barking up that tree is not the way to go. If she sees him again, no need to be awkward or avoid him.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark April 19, 2012, 2:04 pm

    Eh, accentuate the positive. Clearly you’ve STILL got it going on…

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    • Brad

      Brad April 19, 2012, 2:06 pm

      She’s all I want and I’ve waited for so long…

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      • avatar

        Morgan April 19, 2012, 5:23 pm

        Stacey can’t you see, you’re just not the girl for me….

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      • Brad

        Brad April 19, 2012, 5:51 pm

        I know it might be wrong but I’m in love with Stacy’s mom

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 April 19, 2012, 3:25 pm

    Funny how you are going to the same bar! I wonder who picked that place 😉 I bet if you go to the bar, and hook up with him, and then show up at the bar every Saturday after that he will eventually go on a date with you, or finally move on with his life, and get his own apartment after his divorce. But like Mark said you know you still look good so go and pick up some other guys instead.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie April 19, 2012, 7:43 pm

    I went to a movie with a woman that wasn’t even really a friend from our massage organization and asked her if she wanted to spend the night. She said: Oh ya, maid up my mind about that during the movie. It was just for the night then the next weekend,and so on for 8 months until she moved in with bags baggage. About 4 weeks later she died while I was holding her hand. That was over 30 years ago but I’m still in love with her and haven’t gotten over it yet.

    My point is that life is short so go back to the bar and act like there isn’t going to be a tomorrow.

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