Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “He Hates Kissing Me”

I get a lot of letters about kissing, something that falls a bit more in the physical realm of relationships than the emotional side (which is the side I feel more comfortable addressing). So, in a new feature I’m calling “Your Turn,” which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I’ve been dating my live-in boyfriend for two years now. I love him a ton but the problem is he hates kissing. I, on the other hand, love it. Early in the relationship, we would make out often, but after we moved in together, I started noticing his aversion to kissing. When I flat out asked how he felt about kissing, he answered that he hated it, and I was pretty taken aback! He said it felt “juvenile and really high school” and he just didn’t see the point to it. I, on the other hand, see a HUGE point to it as I enjoy it and I find foreplay a lot more satisfactory when kissing is involved (our sex life has remained good throughout the relationship, but the lack of kissing during foreplay means that it’s hard for me to get adequately turned on), not to mention the fact that without kissing I feel like a romantic connection is missing. I told him all this, but still, his aversion to kissing and refusal to do it remain.

I don’t think I’m a bad kisser and I brush my teeth twice a day. I’m not asking for hour-long make-out sessions; I just want the occasional meaningful kiss, maybe a few minutes of making out on the couch and definitely some kissing during foreplay. What can I do? Do I have to either decide to go without kissing for the rest of my life or cut this guy I love loose because of it? — Lonely Lips

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].

44 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Painted_lady February 14, 2011, 3:44 pm

    MOA. The guy is a selfish jerk. Sounds like you’ve done everything you can, and it also sounds like he *gets* how important kissing is to you, he just doesn’t *care.* Imagine this were anything else we consider vital to romantic relationships: sex, going out on dates (“I don’t know what it is, I just really hate spending time with you.”), talking…you’d be GONE. This is a big deal to you, and he just doesn’t care. Besides, why would you want to kiss someone who doesn’t want to kiss you, or at least doesn’t enjoy the pleasure it gives you. What a douchenozzle.

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    • avatar

      Maynard February 14, 2011, 5:33 pm

      I see where you’re coming from, but in my mind I honestly don’t know if I could just move on from a guy that didn’t like kissing- even if it were important to me. I know that may make me a pushover, but of all the things to split up over, this is low on my personal list. I’m not saying I’d just let this go or that i wouldn’t continue to talk to him, but would I leave him for this if I’m otherwise happy…?

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  • LK7889

    LK7889 February 14, 2011, 3:51 pm

    I would think that his kissing you at least sometimes (especially during foreplay since you stated how important that is to you) would be a compromise. If you really don’t expect him to kiss you all the time, you don’t have bad breath, he’s not otherwise turned off by you, and he doesn’t have some sort of emotional problem that needs therapy, then I wonder why he’s not kissing you and why he isn’t compromising on something that seems pretty important to you. It seems like his unwillingness to compromise on something this small would be a red flag that he won’t be willing compromise with you in the future. Think back, have you two successfully compromised on anything else? Talk to him again and really try to get to the bottom of lack of compromise and whether it’s something that can be fixed, if he’s just unwilling to take your feelings into consideration, or if it’s *you* that’s not being reasonably compromising. Just be prepared for unpleasant news in that conversation though if you really push for the truth and accept that he will probably never be as kissy as you want.

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    • LK7889

      LK7889 February 14, 2011, 3:53 pm

      I agree with Painted Lady’s advice above if he doesn’t compromise after one last talk. At that point, his lack of consideration for you should be clear and you should MOA.

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    • avatar

      MissDre February 14, 2011, 3:56 pm

      Great advice.

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    • avatar

      Bdubs629 February 15, 2011, 10:56 am

      If he compromised at this point, after all the talks about how much he hates kissing and how much she wants it, wouldn’t it seem like she is forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do and therefore feeling uncomfortable when he DOES kiss her? I feel like if I was in this situation I would feel like I was being a burden and making him uncomfortable, resulting in me moving on to find someone who won’t have to compromise on something that is important to me.

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  • avatar

    MissDre February 14, 2011, 3:55 pm

    I think that sex and intimacy are an extremely important part of a relationship. If he’s not meeting your needs physically, and not even making an effort… well I think it will take a toll on your relationship as the years go by. You’ll begin to resent him for it, maybe you won’t even want to have sex anymore. I’d say, keep trying to talk to him about it. Write him a letter if you have to. And if things don’t change… then you need think hard about what you want. Is he wonderful and amazing enough in other ways that you can truly decide to let this go? Or is the fact that he won’t make an effort for YOU a dealbreaker?

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  • avatar

    Wolvie_girl February 14, 2011, 3:55 pm

    If you’ve expressed how important kissing is to you, and he refuses to budge, I don’t think you have any choice but to move on.
    I have actually dealth with the same issue. My BF isn’t really into kissing. At first I took it personally, thought that he must not be that into me, but he assured me time and time again that it wasn’t about me, he is VERY into me, he just doesn’t get turned on by kissing. (also he has really bad dust allergy, and often has trouble breating through his nose, so extended kissing isn’t really much fun when you can’t actually breath) I told him how important it is to me, and he took that to heart and made changes. We met in the middle: we don’t “make out” but we do kiss. The important thing is that you have to work with each other and do what you can to please the other person, not yourself.
    If you’re guy isn’t willing to work with you, you have to MOA!

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  • avatar

    Jen February 14, 2011, 4:06 pm

    Kissing isn’t for everyone, to be sure. I agree with LK7889 that a compromise should be reached… for example, when he is trying to turn you on, he should kiss you. When you’re trying to turn him on, maybe you can skip it… or at least minimize it. If he’s not willing to compromise at all, then its clear something else is going on. I don’t think its necessary to jump to the conclusion that his aversion is because of you, however.

    You need to decide how important this is to you. I am also with someone who doesn’t really like kissing, and let me warn you, the issue never goes away… we try to work it out, but at the end of the day, either you’re being kissed or you’re not, and knowing that it takes effort on their part does detract from the emotional connection kissing otherwise would bring.

    Of course, everyone has to compromise in relationships. No two people are perfectly matched, and even if we keep the focus on the sexual realm, no two people want exactly the same things at exactly the same time. You could ditch this guy, meet someone new who loves loves loves kissing, but he could have various kinks that, again, require compromise.

    Either its too important to compromise on, or it’s not, and only you know the answer to that.

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  • avatar

    Heather Girl February 14, 2011, 4:19 pm

    I don’t think this is a case of MOA or whether or not you have to go the rest of your life without being kissed. However, everyone displays their affection differently and if you can’t seem to connect over something as small as a kiss, there may be problems in the future.
    And without sounding negative, it sounds like his aversion to kissing developed once you moved in. Guys seem to have no problem having sex without the kissing, where as women like to feel more connected.
    My bottom line would be: if you can have sex with me, you should be able to kiss me.

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  • avatar

    cmarie February 14, 2011, 4:36 pm

    I think his refusal to work with you is a huge red flag that you should listen to. Some things aren’t for some people but it’s not like you’re asking him to strangle you as foreplay. If lack of kissing makes it difficult to get turned on then it affects the satisfaction you have in your sex life, not to mention your comfort during the actual act. Lube is all well and good but if you’re not adequately turned on it would still be uncomfortable. I would recommend having a honest talk with him about how important this is to you. Emphasize how important it is for that emotional connection and how his unwillingness to work with you at all is affecting your relationship with him. If it’s such an issue that you would even consider it a dealbreaker than it’s not something to be taken lightly. Bottom line, there are certain things that can’t be changed and if he can’t change his aversion to kissing you and you can’t change your need for it, the relationship isn’t going to work because you’re not having your physical and emotional needs met.

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  • avatar

    cdj0815 February 14, 2011, 4:47 pm

    Yes, I think you both need to discuss this further. Is there any thing he likes to do intimately, but you don’t, but you do it anyway? If there is, I would let him know there are somethings you are uncomfortable doing, but you do it because it pleases him. Remind him, relationships are give and take and to you kiss is a form of your intimacy with him.

    I could be wrong, but it has got to be more to the reason he gave about not liking to kiss. Why is this just coming out now or has this always been an issue, even with other women? If it was me, I would like a better explanation than the one he is giving. Something just sounds off.

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  • avatar

    Jess February 14, 2011, 4:48 pm

    you know what is juvenile and high school? hand jobs! Not kissing!! this really isn’t about it feeling juvenile, he just doesn’t like the sensation.

    my ex was like this. it started with him not liking kissing. than not liking foreplay. then not liking anything but me on top (doing all the work) once every 2 weeks, and only when I bugged him to death.

    I think its a sign of low libido, and i’ve never ever heard of that problem getting better. and i’ve been on a lot of ivillage message boards about it.

    You may not have had this all happen yet, but the kissing thing really isn’t going to get better. he legitimately is not into kissing, and therefore it won’t be satisfying for you, even if he forces himself to do it, because he’s not going to be in the moment or “into it”

    i would say yes, you will have to decide between kissing, and this man. But I think it will end up with you missing out on a lot more than kissing, because some one who doesn’t enjoy kissing probably doesn’t truly enjoy a lot of other things people consider intimate and passionate.

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    • avatar

      Jess February 14, 2011, 4:50 pm

      i meant to add that almost all of the people on the “low libido” message boards say they started noticing something was up when their SO didn’t like kissing. It was on ALL the “signs your partner is low libido/signs you are not sexually compatible” lists

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    • avatar

      Jess February 14, 2011, 5:06 pm

      oh and im pretty sure i heard on some discovery show the “point” of kissing is hormones in the mans saliva turn the female on. but with his logic, gazing into each others eyes, taking bubble baths, candles, sweet whisperings, etc don’t “have a point” either. That is of course, if the only goal is his orgasm. Which he’s clearly saying is the only thing that matters.

      “kissing doesn’t turn ME on, so whats the point? oh, it turns YOU on? Pointless!”

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      • avatar

        vizslalvr February 14, 2011, 10:31 pm

        Some adults consider hand jobs passionate and intimate, too. Just sayin’.

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      • avatar

        Jess February 15, 2011, 10:47 am

        haha i gues that must be true. it reminds me of the south park “old fashioned”. i’ve never actually given a complete hand job, but if requested, I would be willing to do it!

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    • avatar

      Laurel February 14, 2011, 10:57 pm

      I think this is an excellent response. And though the LW may hate to hear it, I was one of those “doesn’t enjoy kissing” people until I broke up with my then-boyfriend and started dating a man who I was compatible with. LW, honey, this isn’t going well between you and your bf. Kissing is a very deep, personal form of intimacy. It isn’t really something you can compromise on. If he only started pulling away from kissing after you moved in together, maybe try to suss out why that would be. Otherwise, MOA.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster February 14, 2011, 4:59 pm

    In the spirit of Dan Savage, who deals in the physical aspect of relationship issues, your boyfriend is not being very GGG: good, giving, and game. If you don’t read his column, and you should bc it’s awesome, Dan is big on the importance of sexual compatibility. If your boyfriend is refusing to make out with you, then he’s being selfish. Tell your boyfriend again that kissing is not just kind of important to you, it’s very important to getting you off. Think of a compromise, such as once a week you incorporate kissing into your sexual repertoire. Kissing is low on the scale of things you could ask of him. It’s not like you have a fecal matter fetish.

    I’m not suggesting you give him an ultimatum like “kiss me or I’m gone,” but I do think you need to determine how important kissing is to you in the long run. In 15 years will you be happy with someone who refuses to kiss you? 30 years? That’s something you’ll have to decide.

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  • avatar

    Lexington February 14, 2011, 5:24 pm

    I say peace out. He’s not willing to work with you, on something that means a lot to you? He sounds like a selfish asshole, and I’m willing to bet this will extend to other areas of life. MOA

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  • avatar

    Mainer February 14, 2011, 5:26 pm

    Refuse BJs. That seems to be the solution to most problems. “Fine, no more head.” Baby, look I’m sorry. Wait, I was out of line. Common, no i’m sorry, I’ll change. You were right.

    No, kidding aside. Two issues here: one, he doesn’t like kissing. That’s fine. We all think of kissing as not really a big deal because we’ve been doing it since high school. *cough* I mean, middle school. I was totally doing it in middle school. But really, him not into kissing is not all that different than not liking to go down on you or not liking hand jobs. You have to respect what he likes and doesn’t. But you only need to respect it so much. There does need to be compromise. He needs to be – should WANT to be – doing something that gets you hot. If he doesn’t care, there may be some issues to discuss and the issue may be larger than just “kissing is icky.”

    If he’s not listening to your words, maybe he’ll listen to your actions. Don’t have sex or fool around if he’s not turning you on. That may appear selfish, but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. I’m not sure on your situation, but if you tell him you’re not turned on enough and you still proceed to have sex with him, then he got his cookie and he may not make that connection. My dog does not get her treat unless she does what I tell her (do not make any immediate connections with those two sentences). I’m not saying men are dogs, we just happen to have a mindset that is kind of congruent. And sometimes if you say one thing, and do another, we may not quite “get it.” So, something to try if he’s not listening.

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    • avatar

      cdj0815 February 15, 2011, 8:29 am

      Mainer, I was thinking the same thing about the blow jobs. I was thinking of it as sexual blackmail, but hey, intimacy is a two-way street, and I guess he is only interested in a one-way. Glad you were brave enough to say it!

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    • avatar

      productionette February 15, 2011, 2:10 pm

      I don’t think relationships should be treated like a game of chicken. If both LW and her boyfriend want this relationship, why should they fight at all (with or without “fire”?). When people want to preserve and maintain a relationship, withholding sex is the worst way to go about it. It’s deconstructive and counterproductive.

      And, as LW said, they both enjoy sex with one another. If she refuses sex, she’ll be more likely to lose him than to convince him that he should start kissing her more. If she’s refusing sex, what’s to guarantee that he won’t MOA because he thinks his needs aren’t being met? I’m not saying his needs are more important than hers, but they obviously share the need for that sexual intimacy, especially when she’s not receiving it due to his lack of/interest in kissing. One catches more flies with honey (a mature conversation) than vinegar (sexual sabotage).

      It would be much better for her to actively come to the conclusion that she doesn’t want to be in this relationship and MOA because he’s not willing to compromise (if that’s the case), instead of being dumped because of her refusal to handle this issue with a conversation.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay February 14, 2011, 5:34 pm

    I’d say MOA. It’s not just the fact that he doesn’t like kissing, but it’s that he knows how you feel and he still refuses to do it. Even if someone thinks it’s simply juvenile and pointless, it wouldn’t hurt them to humor their significant other. But if it’s something that you know is important to you, I wouldn’t just give it up.

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  • avatar

    convexexed February 14, 2011, 8:14 pm

    Okay, this is either kind of tricky or really simple. I’m a girl who likes kissing, but am very—viscerally— averse to overly wet, sloppy kisses involving evaporating swaths of saliva all over my lower face. When I meet someone who can’t or won’t kiss more neatly, I quickly become too turned off to pursue or continue intimacy. That said, I have had to be very clear in communicating what kind of kisses I love, and in being generous with the kinds of affection that we both like. Some people are not compatible kissers, which can possibly be bridged with communication and practice giving each other what you can agree you both like.
    But communication is obviously most key, and his refusal to give you anything more substantial than he just hates kissing is a bad sign that this might be really simple: he isn’t trying. In my own kissing-complexity, I trip over my own feet trying to prove to my partner that it’s not them, it’s my own neuroses and I like them so much except for the kissing, which I want to work on *together*. If he isn’t working with you, or talking openly with you, he’s either seriously nervously closed off or just can’t be bothered and either of those means you might consider MOA to find nice kisses elsewhere.

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  • avatar

    convexexed February 14, 2011, 8:18 pm

    I am not sure about withholding BJs or other affection as a solution. It certainly gives him a taste of his own medicine, but that approach can easily become a stand-off of nonverbal barrier-building. It could become a passive-aggressive showdown for life (the life of your waning relationship). If you withhold, make sure you communicate very clearly and unmistakeably exactly why you’re doing it: not to punish him or get revenge, but because you’re just not feeling excited enough to get all up on him without being primed with kisses first.

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  • avatar

    Leyahn February 15, 2011, 8:32 am

    I think the interesting thing is that the LW stated that early in their relationship her boyfriend did kiss…

    “Early in the relationship, we would make out often, but after we moved in together, I started noticing his aversion to kissing.”

    So the question is, did he kiss in the beginning because he was expected to and now feels that since he “got the girl” he can give up that distasteful habit, or has the intimacy of moving in together made him shy away from her in this way. Because kissing is intimacy – to make love without kissing your partner reduces it to just sex. A kiss can convey so many feelings that I could not imaging living with someone who did not want to give or receive them.

    His comment that kissing is “juvenile and really high school” was interesting – does he feel that now that they are living together he has to be “all grown up” and put aside childish ways? Is this a manifestation of his need to feel grown up?

    We could suppose and assume a lot about his behavior – but I, for one, need more facts. How old are the LW and her boyfriend? how long have they been living together? has the boyfriend showed any other signs of disconnect since they moved in together?

    The LW needs to once again open up a conversation with him about this – obviously she is struggling with the perceived lack of intimacy from his no kissing rule. Is it a deal breaker for her? Only she can decide.

    It would be for me as it makes me think there is way more under the surface than just a kiss.

    I wish her luck and love!!!

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    • avatar

      Desiree February 15, 2011, 9:12 am

      In my experience, when guys do something at the start of the relationship that then tapers off, it’s usually because they feel the pressure is off since they have secured the girl. This isn’t always terrible: some of the initial “showing off” has to give way to a degree to make room for deeper intimacy. But it hopefully wouldn’t involve something as fundamental as kissing. I would like to add the caveat that I am unfamiliar with the dynamics of living with a significant other. My observations of friends, though, is that guys frequently withdraw if they are feeling smothered (justifiably or not). Still, no kissing is a bit ridiculous to me. The fact that he somehow overcame his aversion to it early in the relationship but now has reinstated it is a little suspicious. If you would do it to get a girl you liked, why wouldn’t you do it to keep a girl you loved? And maybe therein lies the problem.

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      • avatar

        Fairhaired Child February 15, 2011, 10:56 am

        I’m 23, and my boyfriend and I have been living together for over 6 months, and dating for a year, so I can understand the kissing issue. Instead of him tapering off though, its more me. I think in some cases it really is the “well we have already been dating for a while so I don’t need to work as hard” as well as feeling smothered. I work a swing shift at the hospital so I rarely have time to sociallize with other people besides my boyfriend. I think if the reader reads wendy’s 8 ways to keep the spark alive it can really help. I feel more like kissing my boyfriend and making out after I’ve been away for a while or had a really nice night with just the girls. It helps though to start with a quick kiss for a thankyou for doing something.

        As other readers have responded maybe its how long the kisses last that bother him. So why not just give him a quick peck on the cheek or lips to say thanks and maybe it’ll gravitate towards more intimate kisses. You can also do stuff for him that may get rewarded with some more intamacy.

        I also agree with the replies that say if he continues to dis the need to kiss, then MOA. Especially if he continues to refer to it as juvenile.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom February 15, 2011, 11:12 am

    If the lack of kissing during forplay keeps you from getting adequately turned on I’d suggest you tell him that forplay continues until you’re turned on enough to go further. (Not yet, I’m not ready!) If he doesn’t want to arouse you with kissing then he can figure out something else that works for both of you. You could also make suggestions about what else might work. If he isn’t willing to do even that then I think you’re finished. If you’re not satisfied without kissing and he won’t do that then I also think you’re finished. The communication and sex life you’re establishing are the ones you’re going to have.

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR February 15, 2011, 11:41 am

    I’ve only read a few of the comments, but I think this is something you need to talk to him about to understand a bit more. His explanation that it seems “juvenile and really high school” sounds more like a cop-out, so I would ask him more about “why” he dislikes it. Maybe he is a germophobe who generally dislikes swapping spit, and that is a turn off to him. There are other possible reasons, but only he can answer what the underlying issue is for him, but I think there is more to it than his thinking that only “kids make-out”.

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    • avatar

      Desiree February 15, 2011, 12:03 pm

      I actually know people who take the germophobe view of kissing, but it seems silly considering what’s being shared during sex.

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  • avatar

    mochavibes February 15, 2011, 11:43 am

    One word….run. My last boyfriend did exactly this and I was confused when he stopped kissing me, giving some reason about how he was always afraid he would burp in my mouth (yeah, classy). Anyway, I found that his lack of consideration for my qualms in the relationship had only just began, and it was a sign of his selfishness both in and out of the bedroom. Talk to your guy, but don’t stick around if you truly feel like he is disregarding you, its likely a sign of worse things to come. Don’t let this issue simmer like I did. A man that doesn’t want to be physical in a way that is quite normal is a red flag.

    And on that note, all women deserve to be kissed passionately by the men they love. Maybe not every day and maybe not during every romp in the hay, but enough to feel satisfied. Balance is the key to every relationship, and your issue points to a huge imbalance. Trust your gut and don’t settle, especially if you begin seeing more signs reflecting a lack of interest in your concerns/desires.

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  • avatar

    Ginger February 15, 2011, 12:12 pm

    Does it seem strange to anybody else that the LW didn’t give any reasons that she loves him? Normally these letters have a format along the lines of “I’m in love with this guy who’s awesome and fantabulous for x, y, and z reasons” (perhaps “He’s kind, generous, and he doesn’t leave toenail clippings on the dining room table”). She doesn’t list any reasons why she loves him or indicate that he’s really a stand-up guy outside the realm of kissing.

    Of course, maybe she just didn’t include it, and it’s certainly not impossible that he’s not a great guy but she still loves him…but the lack of allusion to his good qualities almost troubles me more than the lack of kissing.

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  • avatar

    Calliopedork February 15, 2011, 12:16 pm

    Wanna trade boys? Jk but I am the ooposite of your situation I hate kissing and my bf loves it. I dislike the feeling and am weird about anything being to close to my face. Werarely kiss and when we do its short andasdry as possible. Ask your boyfriend what it is about kissing he find juvenile, are.you doing it inpublic,using too much tongue? Just because you think u are a good kisser doesnt mean your style fits him

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  • avatar

    Stilgar666 February 15, 2011, 12:59 pm

    I dated a woman for a few months, who didn’t like kissing. It ended up being one of the deal breakers.

    Seemed kind of cold to me.

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  • avatar

    productionette February 15, 2011, 1:50 pm

    I agree with much of the advice above. If the LW and her boyfriend at one time DID kiss, this is less about his disinterest in kissing and more about his disinterest in doing something that makes her feel good. When you care about someone, you want to make them happy. She’s not asking for hardcore make-out sessions multiple times a day. She wants more affection in the form of kissing, and that’s not too much to ask from a boyfriend of two years with whom she shares a home and a bed.

    Something that I find curious is that this issue seems to have come to a head after they moved in together. The kissing issues LW’s boyfriend has may be a result of his discomfort with the new living situation. He may not intentionally be trying to hurt LW, but trying to create some distance between them, to demonstrate his need for space. If they’re not kissing and making out, he can focus more on his needs and not hers.

    This isn’t yet a case of MOA. I think LW and her boyfriend need to talk about their living situation and whether it’s having a negative/positive affect on their relationship. Is it helping them grow closer or is it easier on the wallet? Are they ready to be cohabiting the same space? I think LW should tell her boyfriend how kissing would make her feel more secure and intimate with him, and ask if he’s willing to make as much of an effort as he did when they first began dating when the attraction was fresh. If living together now is killing the connection, they may need to live on their own for a bit and see if their relationship (rather, his desire to do something that is important to her) recovers. If it doesn’t, this may have been the first indication that it’s time to reevaluate this relationship.

    Best of luck!
    /rachel

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  • bittergaymark

    bitter gay mark February 15, 2011, 5:37 pm

    If kissing IS important to you, LW — and I am totally with you here on this all the way, I might add — it simply sounds like you two are NOT a match. You could be perfect in every other way, but if he squirms at the thought of kissing you (even if he squirms at the thought of kissing anyone!) it will only make you feel both unattractive and undesirable. He’s NOT being a jerk for not liking to kiss by the way, it’s just the way he is wired…

    But, yeah, it would totally make me feel as you do. I think it’s really best to call it quits…

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  • avatar

    nk481 February 15, 2011, 6:20 pm

    Hi Everyone,

    I’m the LW and thought I would answer some questions and clarify a few things. I love my boyfriend for many reasons, but wanted to keep my letter brief so I left out the gushing. He’s sweet, funny, smart, ambitious, and he took care of me (physically and financially) when I got really sick last year. We have perfectly matched personalities and interests except on this issue, which is why I’m hesitant to just pack my bags and MOA over this (though a lot of people made really valid points as to why I should). As someone mentioned, I could move on and find someone else with other quirks or issues that are much greater than kissing, so I almost feel like it would be taking a gamble, leaving this amazing guy to basically look for one that was perfect in every way (and we all know there is no such thing! Ha ha).

    I’m 25, he’s 30, and we’ve been living together for a little over a year (he was in fact the one who first suggested living together, and has always liked spending a lot of time with me, so I don’t think it’s an issue of him feeling smothered). This has pretty much been the only thing that’s changed since we moved in together, our bond has definitely been strengthened and we’ve become so much closer since then. The other thing is that we’ve had to do long distance a few times during our relationship (and are currently long distance by about 9 hours) so that makes having this talk a little more difficult (though I completely agree that another talk IS needed) as we only get to see each other once a month or so due to work schedules. In terms of the type and amount of kissing, I guess I wasn’t too clear; he DOES kiss me, but only ever short little pecks, and if I try to extend the kiss any longer he’ll pull away and look at me with a “you’re expecting me to kiss you for more than 1 second?! Are you crazy?!” kind of look. We kiss a bit during sex, but not at all during foreplay. Other than the kissing we’re perfectly matched sexually (we both like things kinda kinky) and I truly enjoy doing anything and everything in the bedroom, which is why I don’t want to take away sex or bj’s, because doing so would not only be punishing him, but me as well (and I agree with the comment that it would start a passive aggressive war which I have no interest in partaking in ). I think the ‘dog treat analogy (which was awesome) could really work though, just letting him know that foreplay would be extended until I felt sufficiently turned on.

    When I asked him if he hated kissing and he said yes, he also told me he’s always felt that way, so I don’t think it’s ME specifically. At the same time, his past relationships were really tumultuous (he was lied to, cheated on, etc.) so I don’t know if maybe his aversion to kissing is a result of any of that. I really think the thought of ‘he stopped trying’ once I moved in may hold some weight, and it makes sense to me that he felt like he could finally stop doing this because he ‘had’ me.

    That being said, I appreciate every single comment made SO much and it’s given me a lot to think about… I hadn’t really thought about in terms of him being selfish, which is what many people have said, so it definitely encourages me to have another serious talk with him about this. And I also think that in this talk I’ll mention the fact that I’m just asking for some compromise and that this COULD be a deal breaker for me, because I don’t know if he TRULY understands the seriousness of this to me. Thanks again everyone (and sorry for the rambling), you’ve all been a HUGE help!

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    • avatar

      productionette February 15, 2011, 7:25 pm

      Hi LW! I’m so glad to read that you and your boyfriend are still so comfortable and devoted to one another. Knowing that you two are both committed will probably make this situation easier to resolve. I’m glad you see the benefit of talking with your boyfriend about how important this kissing issue is to you. Since you are both so dedicated to making this relationship work, I hope he’ll be very understanding! And I think you’re totally justified in letting him know that this could be a dealbreaker for you. What with everything you’ve been through (your struggle with illness and the long distance), I see no reason for him to not make a bigger effort to meet your needs.

      The one thing I’d like to address is that you have no reason to allow for him to make excuses or concessions because of his past relationships. The relationship you share is independent of those other girls and you shouldn’t have to suffer because they treated him badly!

      It would also be helpful to consider that because you are both currently doing this long distance, it may be difficult to gauge how things change. If you don’t automatically see a difference the next time you see him, don’t worry! Just mention to him that it’s still something you would like for him to work on! He may have forgotten between the time you talked and the time you see one another!

      Also, be sure to ask him what YOU could do to make the relationship better for him, too! That way, this conversation will be more like an opportunity for both of you to improve your relationship together, instead of it seeming like an attack on him for what he’s doing wrong.

      I think you’re making the right decision to stick this through and see if he’s willing to compromise. If he’s not willing to, you may need to reevaluate the relationship and whether or not it’s going to be best for you in the long run. However, it sounds like you’ve both invested a lot into this relationship, so I’d be willing to bet that you’ll work this out!

      Good luck!

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  • bittergaymark

    bitter gay mark February 15, 2011, 6:50 pm

    Thanks for the added info. (And how nice to FINALLY read a follow up with additional details that merely build upon what you already alluded to in your initial letter. None of the usual, well, wait till you hear type of revelations that we usually get around here.)

    This is a tough call.

    It seems to me that your guy isn’t kissing you simply because he loathes kissing and finds the act of kissing itself repulsive… he’s not being a jerk or anything about it. And I doubt it’s because he was cheated on in the past, either. I think he just is genuinely NOT into kissing.

    Again, this is a tough call. A really tough one. I am not sure what I would do… But I do fear that this problem will only grow in scope as the years progress. It comes down to this, I think —- can YOU live WITHOUT kissing? Moreover, can YOU do so without feeling let down or disappointed?

    If the answer to these two questions is not a resounding YES — than I think you may need to bite the bullet and more on. It seems like an issue that could really breed longtime hostility and resentment on both parts.

    Good Luck.

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  • avatar

    _jsw_ February 21, 2011, 12:03 am

    Kissing – making out – is one of those things that you just cannot fake or do if you’re not feeling it. Foreplay and sex can happen even if you’re not really feeling horny or if you’re a little upset or whatnot, but kissing? No. Kissing is a very, very intimate thing. Sure, when you just meet someone, it’s all passion. But when a relationship begins and there’s more to it than just the physical chemistry, kissing is often a barometer of the romantic passion someone feels. Not necessarily a measure of physical desire or of the platonic love, but of the romantic passion. While I realize there are some people who are physically uncomfortable while kissing, for the most part I think that, when the kissing dies, the romance is gone. Not necessarily the love, or the desire, or the partnership, but usually the romantic passion. If someone just doesn’t like to kiss, it’s often a sign they’re not comfortable with intimacy.

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  • avatar

    Autumn March 6, 2013, 11:53 am

    Look, I understand your boyfriends feelings. I too HATE kissing. I have researched the reasons as to why this is, yet I have not yet found a worthy enough reason other than to say I just hate it. My boyfriend LOVES to kiss, and yes I do force myself occasionally to “compromise” however, it makes me NOT what to have sex after that. He understands that it is NOT that I don’t love him, I DO very much, but kissing to me is a turn off. Perhaps it is an intimacy issue. But I was NOT molested, or raped ever…I simply DO NOT know where this comes from, and yes I have tried working on it but I will NEVER like kissing. I seriously would NOT leave your boyfriend just because he doesn’t like kissing. That is very immature. Some people just don’t like it. ~shrugs~

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  • avatar

    Layla April 22, 2014, 8:29 pm

    I can relate, I have a HUGE aversion to being fingered. But I also have pretty good reasons for it.
    1- I was molested by someone and fingering is a trigger
    2- it honest to god doesn’t feel good to me, at all, ever, by anyone!
    3- fingers have nails which often can slice at that very delicate skin
    4- men in general have a CRAZY amount of bacteria on their hands and nails
    5- I easily get yeast infections from being fingered

    I just effing hate it. I could go on all day.. I really don’t know of many gf’s who are fond of it either. I hate that my man makes such a big deal about it even though I have sex with him almost everyday, kiss him, cook, clean, satisfy him in every single way except I don’t like FINGERING.

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