Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “He Wants to Marry Me, But He’s Moving In With His Girlfriend”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I met a guy online, about three years ago. Originally, I stopped talking to him because he crossed a line that I do not cross with friends. We talked it over and became really good friends. He calls once in a while to check on me, and vice versa. When I returned to school last year he and I talked a lot, went out to dinner, and saw movies as well. I was at the time breaking up with my ex for the last time and he was dating someone. I really didn’t think too much of hanging out with him cause I thought that we were just friends up until he said something about wanting to marry me which, for the strangest reason, helped me to get over my ex.

One day on the phone I told him he really didn’t have to say that anymore — that I was over my ex and didn’t want to be disappointed. He told me that he was serious and that he wasn’t trying to string me along. At first I though, “If you really want to marry me, why aren’t we dating?” My cousin pointed out that we were. I just thought we were hanging out a lot. So I asked him if he had any plans to break up with his current girl. He asked me if I was interested in dating seriously, and I said, “yeah sure.”

Well sure enough, nothing changed for a couple of months but we still continued to hang out: movies, dinner, hanging out with his sister every now and then. The girlfriend had no clue we are hanging out. We don’t hang out as much anymore because I moved home for awhile, but he does call me to complain about his girlfriend. Then, while talking to him a couple nights ago he told me that he was moving in with his girlfriend which totally floored me. So I asked him about he and I being in a relationship and he says that he wants to be with me and that he’s only moving in with her for financial reasons.

Well, at this point I have totally given up, although I did ask were we still getting married, and he said yes. Now, I am taking him at his actions as opposed to his words. They don’t match up and more than likely I am the other woman, and I am being strung along. If I am, what do you suggest? Should I cut ties, or remain the friend and just not hang out? — At a Crossroads

 

159 comments… add one
  • avatar

    iseeshiny October 5, 2011, 3:05 pm

    He is stringing you along. You are letting him. Don’t go there. Cut ties. Find someone straightforward and responsible and drama free. You will be happier for it.

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  • avatar

    jessielyn October 5, 2011, 3:09 pm

    LW, you have got to be kidding me!! You are still interested in a guy who won’t officially date you, who has another girlfriend who he won’t break up with even though you told him you are interesting in dating him, and he is moving in with this girl!?!?! You need to MOA!

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    • avatar

      CG October 5, 2011, 3:34 pm

      YES!

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    • avatar

      MissDre October 5, 2011, 4:37 pm

      Even if he is serious and isn’t stringing you along, would you really want to date a douche who would string along the other girl? She’s probably moving in with him thinking its a serious relationship and he’s just doing it for financial reasons and doesn’t plan to be committed to her.

      He’s being a dick to her, he’ll be an equal dick to you.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph October 5, 2011, 5:18 pm

        THANK YOU! This is what I wish I could tell everyone who is “the other woman.” How he treats his girlfriend is how he would treat you if you were his girlfriend. He’s a liar and at least an emotional cheater, if not worse. You’re lucky that you’r getting this big warning in advance that he’s a cheater and a jackass; do yourself a favor and refuse to be treated that way. His gf never got the chance to see his true colors.

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  • avatar

    HBomb October 5, 2011, 3:09 pm

    You need to cut ties with this man. He is obviously stringing you along, and possibly doing the same to other women as well. You’re right, actions most of the time speak louder than words, and his action show you that you are just someone he can treat with little respect and still see you.

    Stand up for yourself, and tell him you are no longer interested in seeing him as friends or anything more serious than that, and go find yourself a real man.

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  • avatar

    Emma October 5, 2011, 3:09 pm

    MOA. He’s not going to break up with his girlfriend, especially if he’s going to be financially dependent on living with her. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t really like her, he’s with her, and it’s not likely to change anytime soon. He’s been keeping you as insurance for if he does break up with her (or gets dumped), and though he might really want to be in a relationship with you, it’s not happening right now. I mean, when you guys hang out, it sounds like it wasn’t romantic, given you didn’t even think you were dating for a long time. Chances are, you weren’t.

    Cut ties with this guy. Don’t hang out with him, and try not to talk to him. You shouldn’t wait for a guy who is dating another girl, even if he says he wants to marry you.

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    • avatar

      GingerLaine October 5, 2011, 4:11 pm

      And honestly, who would want to marry a guy who spent months lying to his “girlfriend” about spending time with a “friend”, AND is supposedly only living with her to make himself more financially comfortable??? He sounds like a real winner.

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  • avatar

    thyme October 5, 2011, 3:12 pm

    Yes, he is stringing you along. This guy doesn’t know what he wants, and he sure as hell isn’t ready to be laying down marriage plans with anyone. Neither are you. Go find someone whose words AND actions clearly communicate that he only wants to be with you, develop a real, solid relationship with that person, and then maybe start daydreaming about getting married someday.

    If you are seriously considering marrying someone who treats you like that guy does, you have a lot to work on. Someone who loves you enough to marry you does not have other girlfriends. Period.

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  • avatar

    Matcha October 5, 2011, 3:12 pm

    Cut ties, cut ties!!

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  • avatar

    Annette October 5, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Yes, he is stringning you along. He seems to be no good, and if you did get into a deeper relationship with him, wouldn’t you worry about him finding someone else to talk about you with? He’s all ready doing it to his “roommate”. Drop him like a bad habbit and find someone who loves/respests you and won’t lead you on, you deserve better!!

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  • avatar

    melikeycheesecake October 5, 2011, 3:15 pm

    Seriously! “although I did ask were we still getting married, and he said yes.” meanwhile the guy is moving in with his girlfriend! Please move on… please. Don’t think about it anymore just run and run fast.

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  • avatar

    amber October 5, 2011, 3:15 pm

    you are definitely being strung along. if he wanted to be with you he would, and if he really wanted to marry you he wouldn’t be dating someone else and moving in with her. do you really want to be friends with someone that would ‘date’ (used loosely here) you while obviously (by his actions) seriously dating somene else? you need to cut ties with him now, or you’ll be sorry later. does his current gf even know about you in the friend capacity? and how do you remain friends and never hang out?

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  • avatar

    Bethany October 5, 2011, 3:18 pm

    Ummm… Seriously?

    YES he is stringing you along and he has no plans of dating you, let alone marrying you.

    MOA !!

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  • avatar

    napoleon1066 October 5, 2011, 3:20 pm

    I hate to break it to you, but you’re the other woman. He managed to keep this from you, but when he went to move in with his “other girlfriend,” he said everything that needed to be said.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl October 5, 2011, 3:21 pm

    RUNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
    Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not continue to call, text, talk to, email, hang out with, or have anything to do with this guy. Not unless you want to be the next girl he moves in with for financial reasons only.

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest October 5, 2011, 3:22 pm

    “At first I though, “If you really want to marry me, why aren’t we dating?” My cousin pointed out that we were. I just thought we were hanging out a lot. So I asked him if he had any plans to break up with his current girl.”
    That happens to me ALL THE TIME. There I am minding my own business and next thing you know, my cousin tells me I am dating someone, someone who has a girlfriend, and they live together. My advice is to believe this wonderful man. Sell your belongings, take the cash and drive to wherever he is right now. On the way, stop at Walmart to pick up two gold rings. When you get to your boyfriend(?), put the ring on and hand him his. Then drive off into the sunset, err, McDonalds drive thru, and enjoy your first dinner as a married couple! Best wishes.

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    • cmary

      CMF October 5, 2011, 3:45 pm

      I have no advice for the LW- I’m still wondering how she even wrote all that without thinking, “Holy hell, what am I saying?”

      But this, “That happens to me ALL THE TIME. There I am minding my own business and next thing you know, my cousin tells me I am dating someone…” made me laugh so I had to thank you for the giggle, lets_be_honest.

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    • avatar

      Eljay October 5, 2011, 4:02 pm

      OMG I just spit my sody pop….again!

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    • avatar

      El October 5, 2011, 5:58 pm

      I think that she should actually show up at his house (during the evening when they’re both home) in a wedding dress and announce that she’s ready for the wedding.

      It would totally blow this dude’s cover and call his bluff at the same time.

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      • avatar

        va-in-ny October 6, 2011, 11:26 am

        I would definitely order wedding invitation samples to be delivered to the house.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray October 5, 2011, 3:23 pm

    Are you having z sexy times with this guy? Because if you aren’t, then this guy is clearly just stringing you along – maybe he’s keeping you occupied so you won’t date other people so he can date you if/when things go south with his real girlfriend? That is a sad and terrible place for you to be. If you are, then… well, then this guy is clearly stringing you along…. and it’s sad and terrible place for you to be. So basically, my question is pointless, but I’d really like to know the answer because I’m curious. But either way, you need to move on, stop being “friends” – or whatever – with this guy, and make room for someone else in your life – someone real, who can be a real boyfriend to you. But, really, are you and this friend doing it? My guess is no, because you didn’t mention anything about it.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray October 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

      Actually, I guess it’s clear from your letter you’ve just been hanging out as friends… I’m just trying to understand why (based on what actions) you think this guy wants to marry you? And I guess if maybe you were having a romantic affair with him, I could see how maybe you would think/hope it could actually lead to marriage.

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      • TaraMonster

        Taramonster October 5, 2011, 3:40 pm

        I, too, thought it was clear from the letter that they were not having z sexy times, but then I wondered what that whole “crossed a line” that friends shouldn’t cross might be. Sexy times? Hmmm.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray October 5, 2011, 4:05 pm

        Yes, z sexy times!

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    • TaraMonster

      Taramonster October 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

      z sexy times

      I heard it in Borat’s voice. Lol!

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      • avatar

        Eljay October 5, 2011, 4:12 pm

        Ahaahahahahaa!!! That’s exactly how I read it too!

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  • avatar

    ele4phant October 5, 2011, 3:23 pm

    He doesn’t really want to marry you. Actions speak louder than words, and right now the actions are saying “I am moving in with my girlfriend, I am committed to her not you.”

    I’m sorry, but move on. This guy is a jerk.

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  • avatar

    Turtledove October 5, 2011, 3:29 pm

    Marriage is about love, honor, and faithfulness. Which of these three traits do you think this guy embodies? This man is not your friend. Let me repeat– he is not your friend. Your best interests aren’t even a blip on his radar. If they were, he’d have come clean.

    Look, if it were financial reasons alone, he’d move in with his mother or get a (platonic) roommate. He’s moving in with his girlfriend. Doesn’t matter what he tells you. And you know it– you know his words and his actions don’t match up. Are you going to sit around waiting for hell to freeze over? He’ll say whatever he has to say to keep you waiting around for him, but he’s not going to do anything about it. So the first step is to cut him out of your life completely. Why would you want to be friends with someone who’s such an awful friend to you?

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  • avatar

    The_Yellow_Dart October 5, 2011, 3:30 pm

    “Then, while talking to him a couple nights ago he told me that he was moving in with his girlfriend which totally floored me….Well, at this point I have totally given up, although I did ask were we still getting married, and he said yes.”

    Why would someone who loves you move in with someone else? MOA!!!

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    • avatar

      The_Yellow_Dart October 5, 2011, 3:42 pm

      *someone who wants to marry you

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady October 5, 2011, 3:30 pm

    This was a totally confusIng letter in so many ways. First of all, stop talking about things you do as if they’re things that just happen to you, like an earthquake. An earthquake happens to you; hanging out with someone repeatedly, despite the existence of a girlfriend, is not something that just happens. It’s something you do. Going to his house or letting him in isn’t a natural disaster; it’s a decision. Staying there or not throwing him out are choices you make. You are choosing to stay with a man WHO HAS A GIRLFRIEND. And how do you date someone without knowing it? I go on dates with people. I don’t fall and trip and land on a relationship without realizing it. Take some ownership of your own life.

    Also, you’re regularly seeing a man who is moving in with another woman who knows nothing about you, and you just *think* you’re the piece on the side? Are you waiting for him to send an engraved invitation declaring his intentions as such? Because other than doing that, he couldn’t be any clearer. Stop letting this guy happen to you and make a damn decision about something for once.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 5, 2011, 3:42 pm

      I would love to see the engraved piece on the side invite.

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      • avatar

        Painted_lady October 5, 2011, 5:09 pm

        “Dear LW –

        Douchey McDoucherson cordially invites you to be his piece on the side. There will be dinner, followed by dancing, followed by several years of swallowing his lies and believing his crap lines. Dress is crappy self-esteem. Host requests that you BYO low expectations.”

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    • avatar

      jfo October 5, 2011, 4:36 pm

      “stop talking about things you do as if they’re things that just happen to you, like an earthquake.”

      This is what’s making me feel like this letter must be fake. It sounds like she’s telling a story (from crazytown), not talking about her real life.

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    • avatar

      6napkinburger October 6, 2011, 1:46 pm

      Amen.

      I was hanging out with the guy one summer who I really loved hanging out with but refused to “get involved with” b/c we worked together. We hung out all the time — movies, dinner, ordering in dinner and watching movies, antique browsing, you name it. After he came over to my sister’s for brunch one time, my sister looked at me with that look that sisters get and asked me “Why are you not dating this guy?” and then I asked myself the same question. The next time we hung out, I kissed him and after that, we WERE dating.

      Note the difference between my sister’s question and your cousin’s. Its subtle but its important. What we were doing before I kissed him was *effectively* dating, but not actually dating. It took a conscious decision to make it *actual* dating.

      Also, your post reminded me of one of my favorite lines from the West Wing.
      Sam Seaborne: “I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night”
      Toby Zeigler: “What, did you trip?”

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      • avatar

        Painted_lady October 6, 2011, 11:06 pm

        That is not only one of my favorite West Wing lines, it might be one of my favorite lines ever. I love Toby so very much.

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  • avatar

    Shadowflash1522 October 5, 2011, 3:31 pm

    The part that breaks my heart about your letter is the almost-footnote: “although I did ask were we still getting married, and he said yes.” In spite of all the evidence to the contrary, in spite of his total lack of desire for a real relationship with you, in spite of the fact that he is MOVING IN WITH HIS (actual) GIRLFRIEND, you still think he might marry you.

    I’m sorry, LW. I truly am. Your longing for connection and stability reaches through your letter at me. But this guy’s word isn’t worth shit anymore. In all honesty, I don’t think it ever was. My little brother is, sadly, turning into one of those guys. Having had his heart broken by his high school sweetheart, he’s now attempting to go through my friends telling him he loves them on the first date (second meeting) in order to make himself feel better. You can’t be friends with this guy, let alone marry him. Cut ties, spend some time being single and learning to separate love from desire, and make some friends out of people you love who love you in return.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 5, 2011, 3:44 pm

      You are much kinder than I. I saw nothing in this other than idiocy and possibly a 17 y/o LW. I hope its fake. I’m sorry but are people really this dumb? I’ve seen the LW’s side in other crazy letters, but this one I just can’t at all.

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      • avatar

        Shadowflash1522 October 5, 2011, 4:26 pm

        I read it as someone who was just coming off a turbulent relationship (“I was at the time breaking up with my ex *for the last time*”, implying that the relationship was not a smooth one) who latched on to the nearest person who offered stability, i.e. marriage, and then refused to let go of that fantasy. If she admits that he’s a total douche, then she loses the illusion of stability she’s built for herself. Plus, there are lots of guys out there that will purposely encourage such illusions, which doesn’t help matters.

        I think it’s understandable, if unhealthy. I can’t muster anything but pity for her.

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    • avatar

      Shadowflash1522 October 5, 2011, 4:40 pm

      that was supposed to read “he’s now attempting to go through my friends telling *them he loves them”

      spelling fail.

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    • avatar

      MissDre October 5, 2011, 4:50 pm

      What sad is not just that she thinks he might still marry her… it’s sadder that she seems to be leaving it all in his hands, as though she has no choice what happens to her.

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  • avatar

    Flake October 5, 2011, 3:33 pm

    Haven’t read the letter yet, but judging by the title, Wendy surely knows how to pick ’em 🙂

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    • avatar

      Flake October 5, 2011, 3:46 pm

      Now that I read it, one more question… How old are you guys?? When you said you went back to school. are you talking about high school? Because your age would be the only excuse to even write this letter. If you are anywhere near 20, then, I’m sorry, there’s no excuse for this. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that needed to be said.

      And yes, cut any ties you have with this guy, you are not getting married, unless you are just willing to sign a paper and call that a marriage. He is not really a marriage material any way. Would you want your husband to do to you what this guy is doing to his “official” girlfriend?

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      • avatar

        Flake October 5, 2011, 3:55 pm

        And on top of that, you need your cousin to point out to you that it is not normal that a guy says he wants to marry you while dating someone else?? Come on… I was once young and naive and obsessed with boys.. Doesn’t mean you have to completely stop using your brain…

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      • Budj

        Budjer October 5, 2011, 3:48 pm

        If she is high school then we have another creeper on are hands. One would assume a dude moving into a place with his gf is closer to 20 than 16….ewwww…..

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      • Budj

        Budjer October 5, 2011, 3:48 pm

        our* lack of edit button

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  • avatar

    SGMcG October 5, 2011, 3:33 pm

    If he says he wants to marry you, but proceeds to move in with another girl, chances are you’re not his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to marry you. If he wants to marry you, he’ll call you his girlfriend with all the actions and niceties that entail – rather than treat you like the facebook hookup on the side that your relationship sounds like. If you’ve already been fucked by him, you need to Unfuck him yesterday – cut your ties and DTMFA!

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 October 5, 2011, 3:34 pm

    Everything he says to you is a lie, because either he is having sex with you or trying to have sex with you. This man found somebody gullible enough to believe his bullshit about wanting to marry them, but has a girlfriend he lives with, and clearly doesn’t want to break up with. I mean really, this guy is in college, and the only person he could find to live with is his girlfriend that he doesn’t even want to be with? Please don’t stick around long enough for his girlfriend to break up with him, because we both know as soon as she does that (and it will happen) he is going to be crawling over to you for all of the wrong reasons.

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  • Shell

    Shell October 5, 2011, 3:35 pm

    As taken from the His Take columns, if a guy wants to be with you, he’ll make it happen, despite financial conditions or other barriers. All other behaviors, promises can and should be written off in this situation. MOA and concentrate on yourself for a while, then you’ll attract someone who will be happy and proud to be dating you and will be able to honestly discuss the future possibility of marriage. Good luck!

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com October 5, 2011, 3:36 pm

    Looks like the rest of you have got this one. Thank goodness. I’m all out of patient energy this afternoon.

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  • avatar

    Jubietta October 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

    MOA

    I wonder about the examples this LW has for primary relationships. Some people can be in a situation like this and it works for them because their primary relationship is not a matter of priority in the grand scheme. My inkling from the letter is that the LW isn’t happy with the status quo, and so my suggestion would be to MOA and commit to a Drama-Free six months. No romance novels, no reality TV, no inappropriate contact with attached men…get a grip on a life with meaning and purpose so that she knows her worth outside unhealthy relationships.

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  • MELH

    MELH October 5, 2011, 3:45 pm

    I’m sorry, not to be mean, but you have got to be kidding right? You cannot really think this is normal, right? If a guy tells you he wants to marry you and means it, he doesn’t move in with his girlfirend. Run away!

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    • Budj

      Budjer October 5, 2011, 3:46 pm

      If a guy tells you he wants to marry you before you are even dating….yep…you guessed it….run away….

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  • avatar

    MJ October 5, 2011, 3:47 pm

    I have a friend like this, although we really were involved for awhile (half-assed, long-distance dating) and now he will occasionally say things like “I’d marry you” in sort of jokey, mists-of-the-future kind of way. He is also dating someone. And I have dated other people. But we chat regularly online (like every day) and talk on the phone a couple of times a week.

    Your mistake, LW, is taking him seriously. This is a funny thing to say, a thing that he’s probably joking and being sarcastic about, but it’s not, like, real life. I can maybe understand where you’re coming from and why you want to hold on to this, but you can’t. It’s not real.

    If you can’t see him as just a friend, cut ties. It’s too painful otherwise. If (ever) you can joke around without taking him seriously, you can be his friend. Until then, you need to move on.

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    • avatar

      Kerrycontrary October 5, 2011, 4:08 pm

      Exactly! I mean what the guy says reminds me of when me and my first-ever-teenage boyfriend got drunk one night in college (we wern’t serious as teenagers and went to the same college) and told the whole bar we were getting married the following June. We were just joking around. Oh, and your cousin was wrong, you are NOT dating if you have never had any physical relationship, unless you guys are both born again christians or Morman.

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    • avatar

      AKchic October 5, 2011, 4:26 pm

      I’ve got a friend has never been married (much as he wants to be). Him and I joke that he will be my 32nd ex-husband. At first, it was an inside joke, now I actually have friends of both sexes claiming to be various numbers of ex-husband. My grandma about crapped herself when a female friend introduced herself as my future 27th ex-husband.

      Unfortunately, I doubt that the guy in this letter was joking, otherwise he would have said so. The LW mentioned that he’s said it more than once, and was serious. He’s leading her on or he’s delusional in regards to commitments and the institution of marriage in the first place and is a dumbass.

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    • Budj

      Budjer October 5, 2011, 4:14 pm

      There is a clear indication he is leading this woman on with these words…any girl that took that seriously would make this guy never mention that again in a joking manner and he brought up clearly stating he was serious…

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  • FireStar

    FireStar October 5, 2011, 3:50 pm

    To be clear – you asked a man who was moving in with his girlfriend – who is not you – if you were still getting married? I can’t even yell at you – it almost too sad. Your plan to take him at his actions and not his words is perfect. Now muster all your remaining dignity and treat him like he doesn’t exist. That includes skipping the conversation about how you are moving on. Just walk away completely without commentary. Trust me – he’ll figure it out… and leaving all messages unreturned might help rebuild your pride a little.

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  • Lyra

    L October 5, 2011, 3:59 pm

    Ohhhh heeeelllllll to the no.

    He’s just a dickwad who wants his cake and eat it too. Move on. Find a man who actually has a heart and will treat you right.

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  • rainbow

    rainbow October 5, 2011, 4:00 pm

    this has to be a troll. please, let this be a troll.

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  • avatar

    Caroline October 5, 2011, 4:04 pm

    *speechless*

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  • avatar

    Elle October 5, 2011, 4:05 pm

    LW, he’s telling you that he’s using his GF for financial considerations. Assuming he’s telling you the truth, he’s in the business of using people. What is he using YOU for?

    Another indication that he’s shady. He’s in a relationship, but he’s not committed to that relationship. Someone committed to their girlfriend would not spend so much time with other women, most likely behind their GF’s back. If she knew about you, she would probably want to meet you, since you and the guy hang out so much and are such good friends. Why would you want to be with a guy like that?

    He’s playing with your mind, just like he does with his GF. Get out before he confuses you even more. He’s not worth it. He is one of those guys that only loves himself.

    And if you happen to read Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that?…” I’m pretty sure you’ll recognize him in one of the profiles of emotional abusers.

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    • avatar

      lk October 5, 2011, 4:20 pm

      Perfect.

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  • avatar

    Elaina October 5, 2011, 3:14 pm

    He is never, ever going to marry you. And honestly, you shouldn’t want him to. You deserve to be treated better than a second-rate back-up girlfriend. Don’t let him or anyone else treat you with any less than you deserve. And don’t be friends with him either — you have too much history/involvement at this point for that to be a good plan. MOA.

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey October 5, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Good Lord, LW! NO – You cannot continue to be “friends” with this guy. When people legitimately want to MARRY you – as in spend the rest of their lives with you, dedicate themselves to you, be faithful to you, sacrifice things for you – they generally DON’T HAVE OTHER GIRLFRIENDS! For shame!

    And what exactly is this comment, I ask? — “I did ask were we still getting married, and he said yes.” This is sad, LW. This is so sad I can’t really even be mad. Do you truly have such low self-esteem, confidence and respect for yourself that you’d have to ask this guy (who has a real girlfriend!) whether or not you two were still getting married…? After the way he’s continually strung you along?? You sound so meek; like an observer of your own life, rather than an active participant in it.

    You need to start taking charge of your own life. Stop letting other people run it! This guy has been completely running your show – while getting everything he wants from his REAL girlfriend. Dump him, and set yourself on the path to acquire some self-respect. Therapy might be a good start.

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    • avatar

      Shadowflash1522 October 5, 2011, 3:20 pm

      I think this comment hit the nail on the head. Well said!

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 5, 2011, 3:29 pm

      For shame!

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  • avatar

    heidikins October 5, 2011, 3:17 pm

    I just…can’t. Really? You’re kidding with this, right? You’re just “hanging out” and you wonder if it’s a relationship? Are you making out? Kissing? Having sex? I presume he is doing so with this other girl, right? And he’s talking about marrying you? At the same time? But he’s moving in with her? And you’re wondering if you should stick with him!? Really!?

    I swear this is the plot line from a daytime television talk show. MOA. Like, yesterday. And grow up, don’t allow someone to treat you this way ever again. Have a little respect.

    xox

    Reply Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 October 5, 2011, 3:38 pm

      Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

      Reply Link
  • TaraMonster

    Taramonster October 5, 2011, 3:19 pm

    I’m not sure what you’ve been waiting for all this time. You knew the entire time he had a girlfriend. You don’t mention having become sexually involved with him, though I assume some level of physicality exists between the two of you. You are not more than likely the other woman, you are the other woman, and yes you are being strung along. More than that- you’re allowing yourself to be strung along. You’re not getting anything out of this relationship, and he gets to have his cake and eat it too- he gets to live with his girlfriend while getting whatever it is that cracks his nut from you- and I’m only being partially figurative with that. So MOA. Have a little respect for yourself. And cut him off COMPLETELY. Not even a smiley face text on his birthday. He’s a dbag, and you don’t need him around to “hang out.” If that’s all you’re getting from the relationship, go hang out with the cousin you mentioned instead.

    And in the future, when a guy tells you he has a girlfriend, and then says he wants to marry you, you shouldn’t stick around for even a milisecond, you should be saying in your head, “This dude is completely effed up. I’m out.” And while we’re on that topic- you might want to work on figuring out why that wasn’t your automatic response to begin with!

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    • avatar

      Eljay October 5, 2011, 3:59 pm

      AMEN!!!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    AKchic October 5, 2011, 4:20 pm

    I have read that letter three times now and I’m still sitting here thinking “WTF?”. That, to me, says more than enough. If I’ve comprehended this correctly (and I don’t even know if I HAVE!), then there are multiple issues, on multiple levels, between the two of you that need to be worked out.

    First off honey, let me tell you something – you need to find out which couch cushion you lost your self-esteem and common sense under. They may be in witness protection together for all I know, but they certainly aren’t helping you out any. I didn’t even read at a hint of sex between you and this guy, but I wouldn’t doubt it if there was some. If there is – stop it. Right now. Close up shop, do not pass go, do not enter, shut down the factory, lay off the workers, case closed, bar the doors, etc. This douche-nugget isn’t going to marry you. He’s moving in with his girlfriend. You know, the one he’s been with since BEFORE you broke up with your last boyfriend. Financial reasons my ass. More like “so I don’t have to commute for sex”. You are nothing more than an escape from his commitment to the REAL relationship he has back at HOME. Betcha he tells the real girlfriend he’s going to marry her too.

    Pull that wool hat off your eyes and see things for what they are. You have a psuedo-boyfriend because it’s easier than finding a real one after the hurt of your break-up from your last boyfriend. If you don’t want a date – BE SINGLE. Hang out with your girlfriends, not that cheating dickweed. Don’t do this wishy-washy BS and be loathed by all wronged women everywhere and allow your self-esteem to plummet. You are not a rug, do not allow yourself to be treated like one.

    Walk away and do not give this user another thought.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Shadowflash1522 October 5, 2011, 4:38 pm

      “douche-nugget”

      you have such a way with words 🙂

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        AKchic October 5, 2011, 6:18 pm

        *takes a bow*

        I’m here whenever I’m here. Don’t forget to tip your waitress folks.

        Link
    • avatar

      H October 5, 2011, 4:46 pm

      I don’t know why there aren’t 1 million thumbs up for this comment yet.

      Exactly.

      “Close up shop, do not pass go, do not enter, shut down the factory, lay off the workers, case closed, bar the doors, etc. This douche-nugget isn’t going to marry you.”

      Ha ha ha! Fabulous response!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Eljay October 5, 2011, 5:21 pm

      PERFECTION!!! I wish I could thumb this up more than once.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Slamy October 5, 2011, 6:29 pm

      This is the best reply on this whole thread.

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  • avatar

    Kare October 5, 2011, 4:22 pm

    This could have been a shortcut…MOA.

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    • avatar

      IcedVentiRedEyeGuy - in Chitown bay-bay! October 6, 2011, 3:00 am

      Or GAB (Get a brain)!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    CottonTheCuteDog October 5, 2011, 3:22 pm

    Do you really want a guy who will talk to and hang out with another woman so much when he is in a relationship?

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    • avatar

      JennyTalia October 5, 2011, 3:26 pm

      That was my thought. If he does that to his current girlfriend, why wouldn’t he do that to you?

      Reply Link
      • Tracey

        Tracey October 5, 2011, 3:35 pm

        Hang out with you…move in with her. You know, for financial reasons. (Does LW live in a debtor’s prison?) Love has nothing to do with it.

        Because he doesn’t love you. Or her. He loves only himself and what he can get away with. Now why are you tolerating this?

        DTMFA. Do not re-establish contact. This guy is not your friend, and you’re only hurting yourself by continuing to keep this guy in your life.

        BTW, This guy is good. Can you imagine the tall tales he’s telling the woman he’s living with? If he’s stringing along the LW, you know he’s doing the same thing to her, too.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest October 5, 2011, 3:40 pm

        They should bring back debtor’s prisons. Oh wait, no, I’d be in jail (jk). But great historical reference Tracey!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 October 5, 2011, 3:40 pm

        and this is why people snoop on there SO!

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  • avatar

    JennyTalia October 5, 2011, 3:25 pm

    OMG GTFU.

    GTFU = grow the fuck up. Can we make that a thing? Because I feel like I say it way too much and it’s becoming burdensome.

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    • avatar

      Shadowflash1522 October 5, 2011, 3:37 pm

      I like it. Let it be so! 🙂

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      • avatar

        TheOtherMe October 5, 2011, 4:58 pm

        Yes, and right after that, we need a sound clip button with the voice of Seth Meyers because I can’t stop thinking ” Really, LW, Really !?!?”

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      • avatar

        va-in-ny October 6, 2011, 11:30 am

        I, personally, would like one from “Sassy Gay Friend”.

        “What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?”
        “Look at your life. Look at your choices.”

        Link
  • avatar

    Rachel October 5, 2011, 4:29 pm

    MOA. Seriously, I hope for your sake that you are very young that you even have to ask.

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  • avatar

    H October 5, 2011, 4:31 pm

    This has probably already been said… but I need to reiterate it anyway.

    Even if this guy breaks things off with his girlfriend and begins dedicating himself to being with you… would you really want a “man” who treated said girlfriend so poorly? Don’t you feel the least bit bad for her? He is moving in with her to mooch off of her, it sounds like. Not because he loves her and wants to be there for her.

    He’d only end up doing the same to you!!!! “Other” women everywhere- realize this!

    MOVE ON. REALIZE YOUR WORTH.

    And pray that this poor girlfriend also sees the light and realizes her boyfriend is a gross two-timer. Neither of you deserve this.

    Reply Link
  • Budj

    Budjer October 5, 2011, 3:39 pm

    LW,

    MOA. I want to marry you too – that should help you to get over it.

    Budjer

    Seriously though…I think you got way ahead of yourself here. You essentially hung out as bf / gf while you were both dating people and he told you he wanted to marry you because trying to get in your pants the first time without feigning commitment resulted in a no-talking situation (I’m guessing those are the details you left out). Any guy that says he wants to marry you to get you to DATE him is a choad – MOST of the time you date before you decide to marry….and typically you don’t want to marry other people while you are actually dating someone else.

    You have been this dudes side squeeze for a while and you are taking the most ridiculous stories ever hook line and sinker. EVERYONE gets duped at some point…at least don’t let a complete moron get one over on you.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs October 5, 2011, 4:42 pm

    what? this is the weirdest letter i have read here in a long time. “he’s moving in with her for financial reasons”? what the heck does that even mean? this guy is pathetic. and the sad thing is he is playing two women! LW, run, do not walk, away from this guy!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      H October 5, 2011, 4:47 pm

      This means “I’m kind of poor. I would rather move in with this girl I can have sex with than back in with my Mom. I don’t really care about either of you.”

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  • avatar

    Mel October 5, 2011, 4:45 pm

    Dude, what the hell.

    Reply Link
  • landygirl

    Landygirl October 5, 2011, 4:51 pm

    *Bangs head against the wall*

    Reply Link
  • Budj

    Budjer October 5, 2011, 4:27 pm

    I just re-read the letter and realized I didn’t exactly answer the questions:

    Yes you are being strung along. Yes cut ties. Do not be his friend. He is not your friend. He is a scummer with a girl friend finding girls to date on the side on an internet dating site.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Lucy October 5, 2011, 5:27 pm

    LW, it’s hard to say which of you in this scenario is more delusional – him for believing anyone would keep falling for his ridiculous BS, or you for actually doing so. Do you have any self-respect at all? This POS is jerking you around, and you are letting him do it. Cut off contact with him and get yourself to therapy. I’m sorry if this sounds unduly harsh and I don’t mean it to be, but the situation as you describe it is seriously crazytown, and the fact that you can’t see that doesn’t bode well for your future happiness.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Seattle _lili October 5, 2011, 5:46 pm

    So this has been floating around my facebook newsfeed today. Thought the DW audience would get a kick out of it….
    http://www.picshag.com/why-men-shouldnt-write-advice-columns.html

    Reply Link
  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't October 5, 2011, 5:49 pm

    WTF.

    Go read “he’s just not that into you”. Pretty sure there’s a whole chapter devoted specifically to this scenario.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Painted_lady October 6, 2011, 12:27 am

      I read that book and thought that the situations seemed so fake and contrived that the lessons, while applicable, were lost because the situations were so exaggerated. Apparently I was wrong. There are women who fall for that crap.

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  • avatar

    yellowbird73 October 5, 2011, 6:05 pm

    Um, are you kidding me?

    No, he doesn’t want to be with you.

    Yes, he’s stringing you along.

    No, do not continue to hang out with him as “friends.”

    Yes, completely cut him off.

    And, yes, you need to get some therapy to figure out why you cannot see these answers clearly for yourself — and to also find out why you’re letting someone treat you like a doormat without even thinking something is terribly wrong. Please, get help!

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  • avatar

    Amber October 5, 2011, 6:06 pm

    MOA…and quick!

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  • avatar

    HmC October 5, 2011, 6:29 pm

    Wow. I thought surely Wendy must be exaggerating in her headline for the sake of site traffic. But no. You actually think you are in a relationship with/marrying some dude that is moving in with his other girlfriend. Jesus. I’m not trying to be mean, but wake the hell up. Given that you’re seriously writing in and confused over this situation, I honestly don’t know what else to say that would actually convince you this relationship, or whatever it is, is not going anywhere.

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    • avatar

      HmC October 5, 2011, 7:09 pm

      I re-read the letter and now I’m sure it’s fake and we’ve all been duped.

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  • avatar

    Kate October 5, 2011, 6:48 pm

    This sounds like one of those letters Miles the cat usually answers.

    Yes, absolutely, cut off all contact, walk away, and schedule a few sessions with a good therapist to talk about it and get a professional’s perspective to help you work through it. Like everyone else said, this guy is a terrible person and not someone you should ever want to marry even if was ever going to happen. And going around with a guy who’s “taken” is bad relationship karma. The right response, ages ago, would have been, “call me when you break up with your girlfriend.” At which point you would have moved on.

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  • avatar

    Soup October 5, 2011, 6:54 pm

    That’s cool that he says he wants to marry you, though his actions don’t support that. But my question is this: Why would you want to marry him?

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  • avatar

    hawaiiansugar October 5, 2011, 7:02 pm

    Whoa. Can I just say…YOU’RE floored?! I am floored. Floored that you aren’t appearing to be hurt by his actions. You had a hard time getting over your ex, but you aren’t even sure whether or not to stay friends with this guy?

    Whatever this is, I don’t think this is what love looks like.

    You are the other woman. You know you are the other woman.

    If you were thinking clearly, you would see how downright heartless he is towards you. I am sure he enjoys your company. But no guy, even the most broke-ass bastard out there, would move in with another woman he couldn’t stand just for financial reasons. If he was going to marry you, wouldn’t it make better sense that he propose the two of YOU move in together to save some money? And, um, start planning this wedding and marriage he keeps talking about so casually?

    I think you need to MOA, and start seeing a counselor. And he should (though probably won’t) fess up to the girlfriend who I think is entitled to know what the man she shares a home and bed with has been up to in his extra curricular activities. And I bet she will be extremely hurt when she finds out.

    Jeeze. Nobody is even thinking about the other (innocent) person in all of this.

    Do you really want to marry a guy who can so easily foster a whole other relationship in his spare time? It seems like it’s pretty easy for him. You’re the other woman now, and there will probably be another down the road who isn’t you.

    Why would you want to marry someone like this? Why would you want a friend like this in your support network? He clearly only thinks of himself and nobody else, and until he has learned to be a better person, should not start using the “M” word with you or anyone else.

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  • avatar

    Rachelgrace53 October 5, 2011, 7:40 pm

    LW, you’re on this son of a bitch’s “hook.” Hardcore. Like more hardcore than I’ve ever seen someone be “hooked.” Please reference this episode of How I Met Your Mother if you don’t know what I’m talking about. And even if you do understand, you should watch it anyway just to see a mild case compared to what you’re allowing this douchebag to do to you.

    Watch it. Seriously.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Valerie October 5, 2011, 8:22 pm

      THIS THIS THIS! My thoughts exactly. After reading this letter, the first thing I thought of was HIMYM and “being on the hook.”

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    the other guy October 5, 2011, 9:47 pm

    I think everyone is being way to hard on this guy, I don’t think he is stringing LW along on purpose. He might not even realise what is happening, think of it from his point of view, here is the situation:
    1. he has a girl friend that the LW knows about and hasn’t tried to hide
    2. he isn’t dating the LW
    3. he likes spending time with LW as a friend
    4. he asks LW to marry him – given the above factors it reads to me as a quirky compliment that he really likes her.

    No one posting on this forum believes he meant it and I think its fair to assume that he wouldn’t expect the LW to take him seriously either. He might be honestly horrified if thought LW really took him seriously.

    Reply Link
    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow October 5, 2011, 9:57 pm

      I kinda thought that too, except for this:
      ” So I asked him if he had any plans to break up with his current girl. He asked me if I was interested in dating seriously, and I said, “yeah sure.” ”

      and this:
      ” So I asked him about he and I being in a relationship and he says that he wants to be with me and that he’s only moving in with her for financial reasons.”

      Reply Link
    • katie

      katie October 5, 2011, 10:17 pm

      sorry, if someone says that you want to marry them as a “quirky compliment”, that is almost worse then this situation…

      this guy is a dog, and its kind of sad to try to defend him.

      Reply Link
  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow October 5, 2011, 9:52 pm

    All I thought when reading this was,

    “Huh?”

    “Daaaaaaaaang….”

    “Yikes!”

    and

    “Sheesh.”

    CUT TIES, LW. Cut all ties.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Calle October 5, 2011, 11:05 pm

    This may be harsh but you are acting pathetic LW. Go get some counseling pronto and get some self respect. He is huge JERK and you are the OTHER WOMAN. Seriously. The delusion in this letter almost makes me angry. WAKE UP. What about his poor girlfriend? What about you? You want to spend your life with this moron? If you have any sense at all, you will go into counseling for your issues. Only after you have received help and worked on your own self-esteem should you start thinking about romantic relationships. Here is a big hint. Don’t date guys who have girlfriends.

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  • avatar

    Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich October 6, 2011, 12:04 am

    I hope you decide to use those crumbs of a relationship he’s throwing you to make a pie crust instead. Move on.

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  • avatar

    Marie October 6, 2011, 1:00 am

    LW,you can’t possibly think you mean anything to this guy.Cut all ties with him.He’s disrespecting his girlfriend and disrespecting you.Get rid of him.Seriously.And go find a guy that won’t tell you he wants to marry you before he dates you(seriously WTF?!).

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  • avatar

    jess October 6, 2011, 3:31 am

    I think if they had a physical relationship she would have mentioned it in the letter. I don’t think he’s trying to get in her pants as much as she is an ego trip for him. I just imagine this really gross, white trash guy with nothing going for him, telling this girl he wants to marry her because it makes him feel like a stud that she thinks that’s a good thing.

    At the same time, all he’s really giving her is the idea that someone wants to marry her. I think she just likes to hear the words, because she’s not getting anything close to a relationship that would be like marriage. She has this idea that a man wanting to marry her means she is a good person, that she is of value. (Even if that man absolutely sucks)

    I hope the LW learns to base her confidence and self worth from other sources than men wanting her or not.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger October 6, 2011, 10:26 am

    Time again for some bad advice:

    I say take him at his word. He wants to marry you. You and he are getting married. So plan a wedding. Right now; there’s no time like the present. Start taking him to venues, ask him to put down a deposit, test out caterers, decide if you want buttercream or fondant on the cake. Figure out your invitation lists, including of course his GF. Tell him you’re cool with everything thats going on (because clearly you are) – the living with the Gf, the not having any sexual relationship with you, the blaming finances for a ridiculous decision- but tell him you want the ring on your finger now (not the sparkly one, the shiny one, with no stone from de beers). Make it legal and legit. Forever starts right now, so why wait? Everything else will figure itself out, the other gf, the finances, but getting married to you, why put off til tomorrow what you can do today – he wants that, you want it, so don’t put it off any longer.

    See how fast he runs when you actively start making him plan a wedding and marriage, putting his money, time and legal status were his mouth is and don’t let him wiggle out of it. You won’t have to cut it off with him; he’ll be long gone.

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    • avatar

      iseeshiny October 6, 2011, 11:45 am

      I recommend the buttercream over the fondant, myself. Sure it doesn’t look as pretty but it tastes waaaaay better!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Matcha October 6, 2011, 2:07 pm

      Please do this and update. (Also, I hate fondant. But you should still go to the cake-tastings and make him pick out the china patterns.)

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny October 6, 2011, 11:34 am

    I would put on a black leotard, play some Beyonce’, and flip my left hand back and forth at him as I walked my way out of that relationship with a “wha-oh-oh..”

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  • avatar

    Jennifer October 6, 2011, 11:44 am

    He could easily find a roommate on Craig’s list if he really needed help with his finances. This man has played you like a fiddle, please respect yourself and move on.

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  • avatar

    Fabelle October 6, 2011, 12:27 pm

    LW- do YOU even want to marry this guy? I don’t think you do. You sound pretty detached in your letter, and even though everyone is horrified by the background info regarding this guy, all you’re really just asking “So, stop talking to him? Yes/no?”

    If you actually have feelings for him & are truly (naively) hoping that he’ll drop his girlfriend to marry you, then STOP talking to him so you can get over it. However– if you are capable of realizing that he will probably NEVER marry you (unless his girlfriend kicks him out, cheats on him, or leaves his life in some other way– this is why he has you around) & drop all of your illusions about it, it’s possible to keep a peripheral relationship?

    I’m offering both as options because I can’t tell if you’re actually as “pathetic” or “stupid” as some other commenters believe? I think you’re only interested in this guy because he appeared interested in you. Your last relationship sounds like it was difficult, and maybe you feel shitty enough that the idea of this dude is relieving. He’s some guy who likes you and provides companionship– as well as the promise of marriage (even though, as a reminder, it’s a sketchy promise with no basis in reality).

    To me, it seems like you have no energy for any relationship right now. Not even with this guy, if he were to suddenly become available (and to echo the others, WHY would you want him?). You probably just like hearing somebody out there wants to marry you. That’s fine, as long as you’re not banking on it eventually happening. Maybe he WOULD marry you in some alternate universe– which is what I think he’s actually, clumsily trying to tell you?

    So if you can realize all this, then maybe you two can be friendly. But don’t mention marriage anymore, don’t hint at a serious relationship. If he starts coming on stronger because of your lack-of-interest, don’t respond. Like I said earlier, you are his mental backup– so he may want verbal reminders from you to reassure himself that you’ll always be waiting. DON’T give him any, and make sure YOU aren’t secretly-in-your-own-mind “waiting”?

    Hope this all makes sense; I know it might be scattered (as well as projecting future issues) but I think the LW needs to hear this perspective!

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  • avatar

    mf October 6, 2011, 12:45 pm

    I can’t believe this is even a question.

    This guy doesn’t want to marry you. If a man wants to marry you, he proposes. He certainly won’t move with his girlfriend. In fact, he won’t even HAVE another girlfriend.

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  • avatar

    wendyblueeyes October 6, 2011, 1:56 pm

    What we have here is a failure to communicate. Let me translate: “I want you to hang around because it builds up my ego. And also if my gf breaks up with me, you’ll be there until I get a new gf. I don’t want to be seen in public with you, but please be there for me in between my serious relationships. And if by some reason, we do end up together, I will be looking for the next backup girl, in case things go south between us. I am an insecure asshat, and you are desperate. We were made for each other- NOT.” Now that it’s in plain english, please scrape your dignity up off the floor and MOA. You have so much to offer the right guy, someone who wants you and only you. Someone who wants to go places with you. Someone to bring home to Mom and Dad. If you don’t MOA, you will never find this perfect guy.

    Reply Link
  • Heather

    Heather October 6, 2011, 2:51 pm

    LW. You’re an idiot. MOA.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Lucy October 6, 2011, 3:55 pm

      #cotd

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    • avatar

      Kerrycontrary October 6, 2011, 8:14 pm

      Yeh I hate to call the LW’s idiots, but sometimes it just needs to be said. I won’t believe a guy is going to marry me until I have a ring on my finger and a proposal!

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  • avatar

    Stilgar666 October 6, 2011, 4:24 pm

    wow…just wow…

    Wendy, where do you find these stupids?

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife October 6, 2011, 4:36 pm

    This guy is totally stringing you along. MOA and don’t speak to him anymore.

    If he ISN’T stringing you along (which he totally is) then you not speaking to him will force his hand and he will break up with his girlfriend and come running to you with open arms (but don’t hold your breath!)

    This guy is keeping you in reserve and that is not okay. No one moves in with someone solely based on financial reasons …. if that were the truth, he’d be moving in with a guy friend, not a girlfriend.

    You sound like a nice girl, and you deserve someone who wants to spend ever second with you, and wants you all for themselves without anyone else hindering that experience. Go find yourself a nice man with no girlfriend!

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  • avatar

    evanscr05 October 6, 2011, 5:21 pm

    I’m confused. Why are you talking about marriage with a man you have never even dated? That is so odd to me. Marriage is not some game you win, it’s a lifelong commitment two people make when they have been through the trials and triumphs of life TOGETHER and KNOW they are able to navigate life as a team. Not only do you have no business talking about marriage with someone you don’t even know how well you’d do just dating, why in the hell do you WANT to marry someone who so obviously cares so little for the commitment that even just dating requires? Any man who whispers sweet nothings in your ear and then goes home to his girlfriend is not a man who is interested in a real relationship with you, and thusly, not worthy of your time or energy. MOA and pronto.

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  • avatar

    6napkinburger October 6, 2011, 5:34 pm

    This kind of reminded me of “The Only Girl in the Car”, a book i borrowed from my roommate in college that I think she read in one of her women’s studies classes. Its a memoir about this girl (in high school) who is a lost soul and looking to belong. She “dates” this guy, meaning she has a lot of sex with him and then he has to go to “his old lady.” She says she always thought that referred to his mom was his mom, and then she learns its a girlfriend, the good girl, the kind of girl who wouldn’t have sex. He gives her a little bear on valentine’s day but spends the day with his real girlfriend. She treasures that little bear. And she stays on as his side girl. A lot of other sad things occur involving her feelings of wanting to belong to this guy – very disturbing events – which effectively bring this girl to rock bottom. She is clearly able to overcome this eventually (she wrote the book), but it is sad and disturbing and one hell of a cautionary tale. If only she believed she was worth all of his attention, all of his affection, that she was “the good girl” despite having sex, that she was the only girl he needed and wanted, she wouldn’t have been brought or allowed herself to be brought, so low. You deserve that LW. You deserve to have that feeling of belonging with someone and to know that they belong with you and only you. Insist on it.

    I was being tongue in cheek earlier and dismissive. But you have to know you are worth more than how you are being treated. All the amazing times you spend together mean nothing if he is splitting himself between you and her. And you know he is, so you know it means nothing. Cut off all contact. Don’t be friends. Say goodbye in your head and let him fade away.

    Reply Link
    • JK

      JK October 6, 2011, 6:13 pm

      I like your comments more and more by the day, 6. 🙂

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest October 6, 2011, 6:47 pm

      Beautiful.

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  • avatar

    Dave October 7, 2011, 10:54 am

    This guy is moving in with his girlfriend for financial reasons? Let her have him. It sounds like the guy is saying, I want to marry you, but I can mooch from her more than I can from you, so I’m going to live with her.

    Thank God you aren’t the one he’s moving in with, and break contact with him. Look for a guy who understands he can’t have it both ways.

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    Haiku Guy October 7, 2011, 12:56 pm

    When you get married,
    You walk into a big church,
    Wearing a white dress.

    Until you do that, you’re not getting married. You are planning to get married. And planning to get married can mean a lot of different things to different people. To your earstwhile boyfriend, it seems to mean you might get married, someday. Practically speaking, that means you probably won’t.

    I suspect you may be looking for a more concrete definition.

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    Faith+1 October 7, 2011, 12:57 pm

    Stories like this almost make me lose faith in the female of our species. Just how effin’ stupid do you have to be? Women wonder why men act like dogs sometimes. This is why. Because they can because someone can’t get a clue if the clue ran up to them dressed as a clue clown with a sign saying “I’m a clue!” a beating them about the head and shoulders with a clue stick.

    Go to your front door and look at the doormat. It’s getting walked on less than you are.

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      lets_be_honest October 7, 2011, 3:26 pm

      “can’t get a clue if the clue ran up to them dressed as a clue clown with a sign saying “I’m a clue!” a beating them about the head and shoulders with a clue stick.”
      Jeezus H. Christmas I have not laughed that hard in a long time.

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    Pishab October 7, 2011, 12:58 pm

    He needs a beard

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    DonM October 7, 2011, 1:16 pm

    Fiance means “A ring and a date.” If you don’t have that, you can’t expect to be married to him.

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    J~Dogg October 7, 2011, 1:16 pm

    Sure he’s stringing you along, but know what girl you can string him along too. Stay friends, don’t stop seeing him, and don’t dump him either. Rather, use him for emotional support until someone better comes along. After you meet that someone, stay friends because you never know when he may come in handy. For example: You have a flat tire, and you’re stranded on the side of the road at 2am, and you need somebody to pick you up.
    However, if you want some closure, and what to get a straight answer if at risk of ending any relations with him, say this:
    “If you are moving in with your girlfriend for financial reasons, then why don’t you move in with me instead. If you need someone to split the rent with I’d be happy to help. Besides, if you really want to get married, don’t you think that its wise to try the whole lets live together thing first before we get married.” So tell him that and let him let me know what he says. I’m curious to hear the crap response he would give.

    Cheeers,

    J~Dogg

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    Don October 7, 2011, 1:41 pm

    You are both screwed up.

    Advice for you: tell him you want a relationship but only if he makes clear, tangible, pro-active moves to pursue a relationship serious enough to be a basis for a marriage commitment. No more “hanging out” and “yeah sure”. Figure out what you want and tell him clearly – you are waffling, why should you expect any better from him.

    Advice for him: stop sponging off of one girl while “hanging out” and professing marriage desires to another girl. Grow up, figure out what you want, pursue it decisively or treat all parties fairly which entails telling “At a Crossroads” that what you really want is to continue to flounder about

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    Steve Poling October 7, 2011, 1:57 pm

    De Nile is more than a river in Egypt.

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    norellan October 7, 2011, 2:33 pm

    Sorry, but i just don’t see the problem.

    Spend time with him, but make sure you and the “girlfriend” never meet.

    Perhaps his, or your, financial circumstances will improve in the near future so that life will be different, but these are tough times. There are plenty of men moving in with women not their favorites because they can’t afford the alternative.

    The idea that his woman is automatically his “true” love, and can’t center his thoughts an feelings on someone outside the home, is a quaint 50’s notion.

    Maybe you two will get married, if that’s what you want. But don’t expect miracles in this economy.

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      KathyP October 7, 2011, 8:20 pm

      Too bad there isn’t a thumbs down icon here. This one would win, hands down.

      Run, woman, run. Change your phone numbers, e-mail, locks, etc.

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    The Old Dude October 7, 2011, 2:56 pm

    Aside from the obvious problems with this fella, you need to address the problems with YOU.

    You start your tale of woe with this:
    “I was at the time breaking up with my ex for the last time…”

    Don’t be the woman that needs a man in her life. We all have women like this in our families…doesn’t matter if its a good man or bad man, as long as its a man.

    Look at the pattern you depict here: break up, get back together, break-up, get back together, break up… Now you are hanging out, getting married, not getting married, sharing a dude with his girlfriend…

    Come on. You are a “need a man” woman. Stop that. He isn’t even committed to you enough to call his girlfriend. Does he introduce you to his sister as his fiancee?

    If you have to have a man, go flirt with a single nerdy dude at the library and you will end up living a life of happiness.

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    jwfent October 7, 2011, 2:56 pm

    If “At A Crossroads” is not sleeping with the guy, then there cannot be an stringing along. Having dinners and going to movies with a girl means exactly squat besides that one likes spending time with her. What “Crossroads” completely ignores is that any guy who says “I would like to marry you some day” a few times without trying to at least get into your pants is whacko. If a guy is in love with a girl enough to suggest marriage, then every hormone in his body is screaming for sexual contact. If a guy says he wants to marry you and makes no move towards a physical relationship, then run.

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    Leigh October 7, 2011, 2:19 pm

    You need to go watch this episode. It’s a concise, half hour of somewhat humorously explaining what this guy is doing to you. You’ll laugh and realize how you’re being played all at the same time, with just the right amount of sympathy for the guy to not go postal on him.

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      evanscr05 October 7, 2011, 5:44 pm

      Literally, I watched that episode and something in my head clicked so randomly that my ex had done that to me. I hadn’t been with him in well over 5 years and never think about him anymore. It really put that relationship, and my current one with a man who actually loves me, completely into perspective and made me laugh. You really have no clue when you’re in the middle of it, yet it’s easy to see it when someone else is going through it. Amazing how our brains can twist reality.

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    Mark Noonan October 7, 2011, 3:58 pm

    What level of insane have we reached in this world? For goodness sakes, anyone even remotely grounded in morality can see that this is just bizarre. Offering advice to move on? As if this is, in some sense, just one in a series of possibly acceptable relationships?

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    Stephen October 7, 2011, 4:14 pm

    Let’s say you’re right about everything. He really doesn’t care for the woman he’s moving in with (and having sex with) but he’s doing it for financial reasons.

    That makes him a prostitute.

    Good luck with that.

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    lowen_lowen October 7, 2011, 4:42 pm

    Simple. Just impersonally and lovingly tell him when he’s on his feet and free of the girlfriend, then give you a call.
    Meanwhile, just concentrate on the qualities you want in your man and every time you think about romance, just think about the man with those qualities is co,ing to you. You don’t have to proactively do anything, look for anyone, just concentrate on those qualities. Your concentration draws other with the qualities you desire, to you.
    That’s how I found my wife. I did not look, but for 8 months concentrated only on the qualities of my mate and I didn’t go out or look. Sure enough, it worked. I know shes the right one for me and I have no doubts. I also have a wonderful solid, loving relationship with her, my best friend, that is constantly growing stronger. YOu can do the same thing. You already do it whenever you have a strong desire to do something.

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    Todd October 7, 2011, 5:08 pm

    How many advice letters could be answered with the line from Mary Smilch’s “Sunscreen” faux-commencement speech…

    Don’t be careless with other people’s hearts; don’t put up with people who are careless with yours.

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    whiskey October 8, 2011, 12:21 am

    Translation from girl-speak. The guy is HOT! Very hot! And the girl lusts for him. [She would not put up with this from Dweeby McCubicle at Spacely Sprockets.] The guy is a total D-bag, and that’s why she lusts for him, he’s pre-selected!

    And thus, the “total D-bag domination” is born. Lets look at this from the male perspective. You can string along a girl for a long time if you are A. Hot. B. Act like a dominant jerk. C. Have other women (it means you’re worth wanting). Yeah the girl is self-deluding, her lust clouding her brains (she’s thinking with her little self, women do that as much if not more than men). But acting like a jerk PAYS OFF.

    Note to self: be more of a jerk in life to women you are interested in. Thanks MOA! In times like these it is worth remembering that pre-selection is everything and women will put up with anything so long as the guy is a Hot dominant Alpha.

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    Layton October 8, 2011, 6:15 am

    Apparently I’m the only one who got the impression she was stringing HIM along! I’m honestly shocked to the point where I’m questioning my sanity. People on this site are usually relatively savvy (or at least on the same page as me).

    First, I guarantee these are 18-22-year-olds, mainly from the wording and the circumstances she thought were important. Notice how she initially rejected him. Then they began to hang out while both dating other people. She broke up with her ex and used him (emotionally) to get over him, by her own admission. She had to be told by her cousin that they were basically dating, meaning she was basically oblivious to him as a romantic interest. She thought he was saying whatever he was saying about marriage only to help her get over her ex! A bunch of stuff happens in her head, then he asks if she’s even interested in dating and she says “Yeah, sure”.

    Now, I err on the side of single and I think it’s by far the better thing to do, but I know many people err on the side of dating “insert blank”. This is a flaw that both people in this story seem to suffer from. BUT, were I a scared soul who’s afraid to be alone, I would need a lot more than that from someone who had previously rejected me.

    Anyway, my point is that everyone seems to be assuming this guy is some sort of ego-boosting player. He strikes me much more as a scared, awkward wuss. Calling a girl to talk about your girlfriend is wuss behavior. Telling them you want to marry them without any physical intimacy is wuss behavior (I’m sure women disagree). Getting FRIEND ZONED is wuss behavior. Also, you think his sister would have been a part of this if the guy wasn’t actually into you!? Really!?

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      Fabelle October 10, 2011, 10:17 am

      I thought of this, too– it seems like they could each be non-committally stringing each other along. And maybe that’s not so much a terrible thing?

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    twiglet October 10, 2011, 2:39 pm

    this guy is too young and confused to be even talking marriage, and so are you.It sounds like you are both in an insecure place and are somehow buoying each other up by being each others’ plan B.If you really like this guy’s company that much, be just a friend for now- no damn marriage talk while he’s with another lady, that’s plain unsisterly, (I know, you are young, and everybody does it once or twice, but really, don’t-you’ll hate yourself for it later.)
    You seem really stuck on him- is it because he really is something special or because you don’t like being single? Because there are an awful lot of guys out there who are in a less messed up place.Why do you want to marry him? Have you been in enough relationships previously to know that your connection is something really out of the ordinary?If you think it is, have one big hell of a showdown where everything gets said, and you know exactly where you stand.But from the events detailed in your letter, I’d say this guy is at best a very weak person, and you will definitely have to wear the pants for the both of you.Which does not in any way mean that he will not bully you, as he is doing now, by asking you to suggest this unforgiveably awkward situation where you know that he is using his girlfriend as a safe base and you as an escape clause.
    I think you should tell him to frick the frick off,until he sorts himself out.
    By which time I fervently hope you will have found someone less serpentine.

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      twiglet October 10, 2011, 2:51 pm

      accept not suggest.

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