Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “He Wants to Remain Celibate for Two Months”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

A few weeks ago, I met an amazing man. He is respectful, kind, hilarious… and we fell for each other pretty quickly. We both met each other’s families after only two weeks. And because he is in the military reserves and is going away for about two months, we had the exclusivity conversation very early.

At first, I wanted to wait to have sex with him. But after spending ten days either with him or talking to him all day, not to mention increasingly intense fooling around, we ended up sleeping together. It was amazing, and our earlier chemistry was intensified. However, after the conversation where we made things official, I think he’s having a fairly typical guy commitment-phobe freakout. He doesn’t think we should have sex for the next two months while he’s away, even though he will be coming home a couple times, so that he can make sure that he is really ready for this relationship without his decision being clouded by sex. He says he has no doubt that I am the right person, but he needs to figure out if he is ready for a relationship, because he wasn’t really looking for one when we first met. I know that I should be flattered by this, but part of me thinks that if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t be wondering whether or not he’s ready for a relationship.

Our connection does have a really serious vibe to it, though, and I know a huge problem with his last girlfriend (of four years) was that she wanted to get married. We are pretty young, and I’m not interested in getting married any time soon, which he knows.

Is this normal? Should I be happy because he is taking the time to commit himself fully to me, rather than impulsively rushing into something? Or should I be wary of his newfound desire for celibacy and caution, aware that this might be his way of getting out of things before they go further? — Confused and Newly Horny

236 comments… add one
  • avatar

    ReginaRey July 11, 2012, 9:09 am

    I personally don’t think this is too weird. Honestly, I’m kind of surprised that, as a horny young dude, he’s willing to put sex on the back burner to make sure that his desire to be with you isn’t being unduly swayed by the physical. At least he seems to understand the significance of serious, committed relationships, and doesn’t go into them lightly.

    I’m guessing, like he mentioned, he wasn’t expecting or prepared for this to happen. All of a sudden, he’s been hit with this burgeoning-on-serious relationship, and he needs a hot second to process how exactly he feels about it. I don’t think that’s a red flag, necessarily. I think it’s ok to want to take a step back and assess how you feel about it, without being influenced by sex.

    See how these next two months go. Some time apart will give him the time to readjust and process his emotions, and you’ll have the time to see how your new relationship weathers the brief long distance. I’m guessing his no sex rule may end up being broken before two months is up, if he decides he’s ready for a serious relationship with you. Just keep your eyes open and observe what happens. If he’s still freaking out and unsure as time goes on, then he’s likely not ready for a serious relationship, and you’ll know it’s time to move on.

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    • avatar

      Christy July 11, 2012, 9:12 am

      You’re ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!

      Now to read the letter.

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey July 11, 2012, 9:17 am

        Yes, I AM alive! I explain my absence in my most recent forum post, if you’re interested.

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      • katie

        katie July 11, 2012, 9:19 am

        i figured you had your power/internet out… i was surprised that brad still had his, actually!

        yay that the storm just knocked you off of dear wendy for a little while.. could be worse, right? lol

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 11:44 am

        katie, I’m further to the south and west than RR is by about 15 miles and likely have different power company provider. Those storms seemed to have caused more damage to the eastern areas of NOVA vs the west.

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    • avatar

      camorzilla July 11, 2012, 9:13 am

      Pretty much everything you just said. I think her guy is being honest with her and that’s great. It’s not like he said “I want to see other people”. He just wants to slow it down a bit.

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    • avatar

      Amanda July 11, 2012, 9:18 am

      WRRS

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 9:43 am

        I can get behind “WRRS””s, but until RR stops not having sex in cars on romantic moonlit nights, I can’t fully trust her judgment.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 10:31 am

        Agreed!

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  • avatar

    cporoski July 11, 2012, 9:10 am

    I would say, take a deep breath and calm down. He isn’t looking to get tail somewhere else just to see how you guys do long distances. So when he gets back on a break, meet up and see where it goes. You are overthinking this.

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    • avatar

      MsMisery July 11, 2012, 1:21 pm

      Yeah, unless his reasoning is “I joined a cult and can’t have sex until the mothership/messiah comes to get Us” then this really isn’t that big a deal. It’s almost sweet. (I say almost because I am pretty sure my 21st century American Feminist phsyche would not actually recognize “sweet.” So maybe it is, who knows).

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  • katie

    katie July 11, 2012, 9:17 am

    i dont really think that any way any person needs to process whether they are ready for seriousness is wrong. everyone is different, and so another person might say, i want to take things slow emotionally with you while i figure out if this is a serious relationship i want to be in… another person might say, i want to take meeting our families slowly while i decide if this is a serious thing that i want to be in… ect. i think everyone has some kind of thing they would like to take slowly, to really make sure they are making a good decision.

    so my advice to you is to do this. go along with it. and actually HELP him do it. dont taunt him with sex… dont talk about it, dont even try to push when you guys mess around if you do when you see each other in the next two months. focus on what he is focusing on, which is your non-physical relationship, and help him make the choice that is best. worst case senario, he decides he is not ready, and you go your seperate ways. best case senario, he decides that this is something he wants- and you never have to really question that because you know he has gone through his necessary steps.

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  • Budj

    Budj July 11, 2012, 9:17 am

    Sounds like he has a similar relationship history to me. Getting involved with the wrong people because sex happened too soon and judgement gets clouded to glaring personality conflicts between the two people.

    This is ok and normal and I’m secretly air high fiving to find out I’m not an anomaly among my gender… Just don’t stress about it because if he still wants to be with you when the 2 months is up then you know he is really confident about your relationship and that is a very good thing.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 9:28 am

      Hey, I wanted to wait, but you insisted.

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 9:57 am

        Well…you are irresistable….and you refused to turn off your seductive charms. I couldn’t help myself.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar July 11, 2012, 10:11 am

        how many couples are getting back together today exactly?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 10:52 am

        Ah shucks, go on, Budjypoo.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson July 11, 2012, 11:39 am

        YAY! I knew y’all couldn’t stay apart long. So I’ve declared you officially back together. No need for you to do it for yourselves.

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    • Brad

      Brad July 12, 2012, 11:46 am

      Budj, take my word for it, I move slower when it comes to relationships compared to you. So if you’re an anomaly then I must be a lab experiment gone wrong.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle July 11, 2012, 9:18 am

    He could have the best intentions, I’m sure, BUT. This sounds kinda off, to me? If he’s soon going to be apart from you the majority of the time, then there’s ALREADY no/very little sex to “cloud his judgement.” Not banging you when he comes home seems like a poorly motivated decision– would those times really be enough to fuck with his head?

    I know sexual intimacy affects everybody differently, but since I don’t know this dude, I can’t say if he’s being sincere. YOU, however, should have a better idea. Does this all seem like bullshit? Are you getting a nagging, bad vibe? Don’t feel like you need to along with it just because you “should be flattered”. A man wanting to withold sex isn’t necessary a sign that he’s gearing up for committment.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 11, 2012, 10:19 am

      I don’t know it kind of makes sense to me. He is going to be away from her for a while, and when he is home for the short amount of time, he probably really wants to get to know her, and make sure what they have is real instead of just looking forward to getting home, getting some tail, and then getting back to work. I think things just moved way to quickly for him in the begining, and this is his way of slowing them down.

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 10:22 am

        good point…he will be home infrequently and if he spends that time with her having sexual intercourse then over the next two months he won’t have an unclouded vision of how they work out personality wise – sans – sex.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 10:32 am

        Yeah I also have a feeling that he thinks he rushed into the commitment phase too, and is rethinking that whole deal as well!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 10:39 am

        If I were the LW, I’d worry about all of this – I’d worry he wants to bang others, I’d worry he has regrets about the relationship, … Hell, I’d worry that I was bad in bed or something (and other clearly ridiculous things) and that’s why he is putting on the breaks. (I tend to take things personally – even in situations like this where the BF wants to stop z sex to sort through his own issues/feelings – if there’s a way for me to take it personally, I will.) All this to say – I can see why the LW is freaking out. I would too. I am no help here.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 11:06 am

        I agree, it is natural to be this way, and I think somebody said it best below, that this is all really a guessing game, and the best thing for her to do is to really just take him for his word, and see where this goes. It really has been just a very short time, and hopefully she wont be too hurt if he decides this isn’t what he wants right now.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl July 11, 2012, 9:22 am

    I don’t think it is weird. I actually think it is really responsible and mature of him.

    I do encourage you to have another conversation about the long distance exclusivity just to ensure you both are on the same page during his trip. People have different LDR standards sometimes.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 9:34 am

    LW, knowing myself I’d probably be worried and upset about it and overthink it, too. Because that’s how I am, and it gets me nowhere – NOWHERE! So I say don’t be worried or upset and don’t overthink this. Don’t have sex with each other while he’s gone (wait, what?) and give him the time. But fuck that if he still says no sex when he gets back. That’s cruel and unusual.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 11:00 am

      Sorry, the more I think about this the more I am freaking out for you. What I would do is put the moves on HARD CORE when he’s home visiting you and maybe he’ll cave. That’s what I would do.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 1:27 pm

        Well stop it!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 1:36 pm

        I’ve moved on. Now I’m thinking about how long I have to wait to eat my leftover lunch.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 2:09 pm

        I couldn’t wait to eat my lunch today! It is nothing exciting either, but I love it! It is just ground turkey, brown rice, corn, and spinach, and I cook it all in buffalo sauce, and then add a bunch more!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 2:25 pm

        Yum, that sounds good, especially if you mix it all together and eat it which chips and/or over a bed of lettuce.

        When I say eat my “leftover lunch,” I mean the leftovers from the lunch I ate 1 hour ago. I had French onion soup and chicken and couscous and salad and sauteed vegetables and THEN i took some mac and cheese and a half sandwich and a bowl of fruit to go. … Because I’m a pig, and the “eat whateverm and as much as you’d like and hell take some back to your office if you’d like” rule in our cafetaria is disastrous for me. I’m going to gain 30 pounds in record time.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 2:41 pm

        Well it sounds good so I say go for it! Just think, when you get 30lbs heavier, people are going to say such nice things like “awe you have such a great personality” and “you give the best hugs” and “your so funny…I want to date your friend”. Maybe you will gain it all in your boobs, and then you will make millions of dollars as a swimsuit model, I’d buy it.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 2:43 pm

        BTW all of those things are just things I have heard while being a fatty most of my life.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 2:47 pm

        I’ve decided I’m joining Team Fatty today. It happened When I realized that no matter how much pain I will be in during and post workout, my mind will ALWAYS want another peaches and cream muffin. And pasta. The one month–ok 3 weeks–I went low carb were the most hellish and horrifying weeks of my life.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 2:53 pm

        I was ON VACATION. I HAD to eat an ice cream sundae every day! I HAD to overindulge at breakfast, lunch and dinner every day! Now I’m home and since work sucks the life out of me lately, I HAVE to go home and cheer myself up with fried everything. Team Fatty!

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:08 pm

        Yeah I was on vacation lat week, and pancakes, and ice cream were a staple! Oh and I can’t forget the smores with my nieces, which I made with peanut butter cups instead.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:15 pm

        I seriously considered ‘unfriending’ a friend (for the summer anyway) who said smore’s were too sweet, and that she can never partake in grilling hotdogs over a campfire because she’s a vegetarian. I was like…whats the point of life then?

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:20 pm

        Yeah that person just sounds like they are not fun at all to hangout with. You need to get them a smore, summer shandy, and some hot dogs, and then shove them all down her through so she can see what she is missing.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:25 pm

        Whaaa? Thank you for providing me with an excuse to eat more crap tonight. Can’t wait to try those!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 3:31 pm

        As a part-time vegetarian, I can say that sometimes I would not like you to shove hotdogs down my throat. I also – and don’t hate me for this – but I don’t like sweets too much. Lately I’ve been eating a lot of cookies at work but that’s really unusual for me. I’m just not a sweets person – give me a pizza and I will go to town on it. Don’t worry, before you get your panties in a wad over this, I more than enough make up for this by drinking too much red wine. And really, thank GOD I don’t also have a sweets problem. I’d be fucked.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:39 pm

        I was looking forward to walking around with wadded up panties though!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 3:16 pm

        I could never be so lucky to gain it all in my boobs, but I’m gonna try. Can I will the weight to that area somehow?

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:21 pm

        I think so, I’m going to need budj to measure with his hands daily so we know what progress you are making. I would need him to measure other things with his hands as well.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 3:23 pm

        Yes, those sound like necessities.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:27 pm

        Gald we are on the same page, now we just need Budj to agree! I would really like him to write us all a love song too.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:49 pm

        I love how we turn threads into food talks. i think that is the sign of Ultimate Team Fatty loyalty. Now I need to decide what to have for lunch…

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:54 pm

        Don;t do it! You’re all far too young for team fatty!

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary July 11, 2012, 9:34 am

    Agree with most comments that this is a mature decision on his part. I’ve been in a situation where we had sex after like, a week, and then we waited for a while to do it again because it happened so quickly. We dated for 2 years after that so it worked out well. I would only think of this as a red flag if you are getting a bad feeling about it.

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG July 11, 2012, 9:46 am

    Wow… I’d look at this as the opposite of a problem! This guy actually seems like a stand-up guy. He wants to be sure about a relationship before he makes the commitment. And knowing that sex can make us feel a false bond, I think this is a great idea.

    You’re young and it is two months of your time. Why not give the experiment a go?

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  • avatar

    kiwi47 July 11, 2012, 9:56 am

    Women are always told that if a guy is willing to wait for them to have sex, it shows they respect and care about her.

    I think if this guy is asking you to wait, the same idea applies here.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle July 11, 2012, 10:04 am

      But why? Not to pick on you, but I think you summed up concisely why everybody is cool with this & why the LW feels she “should be flattered” I see the logic in taking things slow at the beginning, but in this situation– they’ve already had sex & now he’s backpedaling. Like I said above, he COULD have great intentions. Maybe I’m being cynical. Or whatever. I just don’t understand why the general reaction is here “What a stand-up guy!”

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 11, 2012, 10:09 am

        I know! They already had sex!
        Unless it was drunken, bad idea sex, I dont really get the backpedal. seems disrespectful.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B July 11, 2012, 10:38 am

        Everything happened really fast for them and he is surprised by it. I think he legitimately wants to figure out if they are compatible as people and not just sex partners. Maybe he’s had a bad experience before and thinks that sex clouded his judgement then. (I have personally heard guys say, “She was crazy/psycho/bonkers/ a mess, but the sex was good so I stayed.) He is not only being respectful of her, but of himself, as he wants to make sure that he is fully behind the idea of having a relationship. What if the reverse were true? What if she feels they had sex too early and wants to slow down for a while? Those hormones are pretty powerful, they make us do funny things sometimes. Just because you had sex once doesn’t mean you always have to. I think he is being exceptionally honest and cautious and that shows respect to me.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG July 11, 2012, 10:54 am

        But, what would he have to gain if this was some shady plan? I know that it seems weird. I just am having a hard time deciphering what would be behind these intentions if they were indeed bad intentions.

        If he really wanted to just get away from this girl and avoid a relationship, it would be so much easier to use different tactics.

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 11, 2012, 11:38 am

        Maybe in his head, if they are not having sex, they are only friends, and therefore he is not responsible for her emotions?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:20 pm

        NEWSFLASH: After a fucking mere few weeks, he ISN’T responsible for his emotions… The often childlike approach to dating on here is both alarming — and enlightening.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant July 11, 2012, 3:35 pm

        His, or did you mean to say hers? I would hope he’d be responsible for his emotions (or more specifically the actions his emotions spur) all the time. Not being able, or willing, to keep your emotions from controlling your actions is a childlike way to live.

        If you mean hers, I agree with you today. While I think people should be cognizant and respectful of how their actions affect others in all situations, at a few weeks of dating I don’t think his obligation to her is anymore than it would be for any other human being he interacts with. Which is to say, yes he should be kind and respectful, but this isn’t as though they have a full fledged partnership yet.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:42 pm

        Yeah, I meant hers. That was a typo and a problem with the lack of editing potential on here…

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      • katie

        katie July 11, 2012, 10:13 am

        because society says that all men want is sex, and they will lie steal and cheat to have sex. so, any man who wants to wait in regards to sex is seen as better then other men…?

        i dunno, i think its a stupid thing to think. i dont think that he is a stand-up guy for doing it, i just think she should respect whatever “thing” he needs to feel comfortable about starting this relationship- whether that be waiting for sex for a little while, or waiting to introduce her to his family, or waiting to move in together, ect…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 11:22 am

        What could his bad intention be though?

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 11, 2012, 11:42 am

        I’m not sure if it’s a bad “intention” per se, but I would be worried that he was having second thoughts about going forward with the relationship in general. He’s basically asking for “space” – even more space than he’s already getting just by being gone for 2 months. But they did move really fast, so slowing it down a bit probably isn’t a bad thing.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 11:49 am

        Ok, true. I think if she’s not ok with that, all she has to do is say let’s not agree to be in a serious/exclusive relationship until we’ve both decided we want one.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 11, 2012, 12:03 pm

        Yeah. He said he wants to take sex out of the equation to find out of he is really “ready” for a commitment. She should be glad that he’s being honest. If it was me, I’d slow it down for a bit and see what happens, but I wouldn’t stick around for TOO long if he keeps being iffy about commitment. (Actually that IS me. I have a commitment-phobic boyfriend. And he’s in the military. And we moved pretty fast when we first met. LW? Are you bizarro-me?).

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  • avatar

    Nadine July 11, 2012, 10:06 am

    I think its weird too. And not because I expect all men to want to jump into bed and if they dont it means they aren’t a real man. I think its weird because he is going away anyway, for two months, so surely enough mental space will be achieved? Why be all dramatic about it?
    I dont equate not having sex with respecting people. I equate being honest and not dragging people around in circles respecting people.

    My other red flag was that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she wanted to get married. Did he not want to marry her, or not want to marry? Do you ever want to get married? It seems like there are a whole lot of women who say they are too young to think about getting married anyway, commit to some guy who has said all along he wont marry anyone, and then get upset when they were not the magic person who changed their mind. If he will break up a four year relationship over the issue, he will break up with you over it, too.

    If it was me, I’d give him his two months of sexless time, then address the issue again. Dont assume, if he decides to start having sex, that he has decided he wants you. Dude is obviously working through some things, and if you like him, you want to know what they are, and how you fit in.

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    • Budj

      Budj July 11, 2012, 10:11 am

      My take is sex put blinders on him for the past relationship. When she wanted to get married and he realized he didn’t want to marry her that was an epiphany.

      That or he wants to go fuck other girls while away.

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 11, 2012, 10:22 am

        Fair enough. That actually makes total sense.

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    • katie

      katie July 11, 2012, 10:14 am

      do you think that he being in the military has anything to do with it? he will be away at some military thing, i guess i am assuming, so no sex with anyone else, and probably lots of physical and mental exahustion… so maybe he doesnt want those “downtime” times when he is home from all the crazy military-ness to be clouded with sex?

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 11, 2012, 10:24 am

        I don’t know…. if I was getting all physical and adrenaline-ed and I came home for a few days and there was someone I wanted to have sex with….I would probably just do it. But I am not sensitive with the ways of cloudy sex. I would want to forget about being in the military, personally!

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 11, 2012, 10:28 am

        Note: No offence meant to military people. All I meant was, being military sounds HARD and I would not blame people who came home wanting comfort through food, bad TV, and sex. I know I do whenever I get home from the gym.

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      • katie

        katie July 11, 2012, 10:31 am

        well, i do understand that… but like budj said above, “just looking forward to getting home, getting some tail, and then getting back to work”… thats more of what i meant. not like, oh the military made my body so hot and the endorphins are running and i want you kind of thing.. like, that situation, in my mind atleast, would not put a newly budding relationship on the right tracks to create something long term.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary July 11, 2012, 10:51 am

        Ok, here’s my take since my boyfriend is in the reserves. I could be wrong, but since he is going away for 2 months it’s probably training. Which means they go to PT in the morning, go to class, and then have nights and weekends free. Most (not all) of these trianing courses are not exhausting. My boyfriend went through a pretty rigorous one for 4 months but it didn’t negatively affect our relationship outside of the normal long-distance issues. So I don’t think the LW’s situation is affected by his “military-ness”.

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      • katie

        Katie July 11, 2012, 11:19 am

        Ah… That’s changes my whole perspective on this… Thanks for that!

        I am now in the he probably doesn’t want to commit maybe at all, but definitely not to a stage 5 clinger camp.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 1:38 pm

        With the way it sounds though, it doesn’t sound like he is just going away for a regular 2 month training for the reserves, it sounds more like a specialty training where he isn’t going to be coming home every night, or I don’t think he would be having this big of a problem.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 11, 2012, 10:27 am

      I don’t think it has anything to do with getting away to have mental space, I think it is to see how compatable they really are when they hangout for a day or two while he is home instead of having sex cloud that judgement.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow July 11, 2012, 10:34 am

        Exactly! I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately (I’m sort of changing my ways). It’s much easier to realize someone’s wrong for you by listening to them talk than by screwing them.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 11, 2012, 10:57 am

        But why are the two mutually exclusive? They don’t have to roll around in bed for the entirety of his leave. I mean, I guess it’s that “sex cloud” you guys are talking about, but personally– I would be wary of anyone putting a definitive “no” on sex for the reasons this guy gave (& sorry I’m replying to you, rainbow..this is sort of addressed to the general thread)

        Also, my other issue (and the reason I’m continuing to offer my counterpoint to the sentiments of the majority) is that it’s likely the LW has already internalized all these messages (which is why she’s wavering, like “is this a good thing? shouldn’t it be?”) If SHE doesn’t feel good about the whole celibacy thing, there’s no reason she needs to stay with the dude. No matter how “restpectful” he appears.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle July 11, 2012, 10:58 am

        Errr *respectful

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      • rainbow

        rainbow July 11, 2012, 11:04 am

        ” If SHE doesn’t feel good about the whole celibacy thing, there’s no reason she needs to stay with the dude. No matter how “restpectful” he appears.”

        Absolutely.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow July 11, 2012, 11:28 am

        Update. Absolutely. BUT:

        There’s nothing wrong with lack of sex for two months being a dealbreaker. But you have to own up to it.

        So she should just frame it as “this dude doesn’t want sex and I do, I’m not interested in this situation” and not look for a way to make it sound like his not wanting sex is awful, offensive or deceiving in some way just to feel justified to go look for sex with some other dude.

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 11, 2012, 11:43 am

        “not look for a way to make it sound like his not wanting sex is awful, offensive or deceiving in some way”

        This is now my opinion. If she wants sex, she has it with someone else, because this guy is for now, off the market to her. If she wants to wait for him, she lets herself in for his own emotional landscape that he is currently travelling, which may end up being that he decides he isn’t into her anyway.
        There are no other mitigating factors, ie: meeting family, military school whatever.

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    • avatar

      Lindsay July 11, 2012, 2:07 pm

      I didn’t gather that he just wanted space from her, like mental space. I assumed that maybe he’d see her and just not have sex. Like get something to eat or sit and talk. That way, the only interaction he has without her isn’t just sex.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sasa July 11, 2012, 10:18 am

    The important thing is not whether he wants to have sex in these two months (there might be good reasons for and against) but whether he wants to start a serious relationship with you. Seems like he has expressed some doubts about the latter, and that is a little worrisome. Maybe he doesn’t want to have sex with you in case he decides against a relationship with you and he doesn’t want you to think he just used you for sex? In any case, I wouldn’t focus on the celibacy thing as much as on his intentions regarding the relationship.

    Reply Link
    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 11, 2012, 10:30 am

      This. I think that he thought things moved to quickly before, and he isn’t sure about the whole commitment thing, so he wants to see where this is going to go before hopping back in bed, because that is part of what made them go so quickly before. He doesn’t want to have sex, because if he finds out that he doesn’t like you as much as he originally thought, he doesn’t want to look like a dick.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Sasa July 11, 2012, 10:38 am

        Also, he now has a specific time frame – two months – during which she knows he wouldn’t like her to push the relationship forward. It’s kind of like it’s put on hold. She just has to decide whether she’s fine with that. I don’t think it’s unfair of him or anything, but he’s clearly leaving it open how things will continue.

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  • avatar

    amy July 11, 2012, 10:21 am

    WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

    SLOW DOWN.

    You’ve only know the guy for a few weeks. To be honest, it seems like he just wants to make sure that you have a foundation that is not based on sex. There is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing creepy about it either, it could be a smart move so that you don’t get swept up into the honeymoon phase WHICH YOU ALREADY HAVE ACCORDING TO YOUR LETTER. Maybe he’s freaked because you are so attached after A FEW WEEKS!!!

    I’m more concerned that you’re talking about “well I don’t see myself getting married yet, we’re still young, and that’s why he broke up with his ex, blah blah blah”.

    You’ve known him for a few weeks. And he’s leaving for a month.

    Chill the eff out. For real.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 10:43 am

      Wouldn’t you freak out a little if you hit it off with a great guy, had sex, and then BAM he said no more sex? I’d think – holy shit, what did I do wrong?!

      That reminds me, I am taking a BJ class next Tuesday. I worry I’ll acquire mad skills and then never be able to use them on anyone. FML. Maybe this LW should take the class with me and her BF will never say no to sexy times again. LW, you wanna come?

      Reply Link
      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 10:52 am

        Cucumbers, carrots, and Andy Dick, oh my!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 10:58 am

        You know, my friends suggest classes like this and I go along (because come on what else am I going to do after work?), and I feel very pathetic in a Sex-in-the-City pathetic sort of way. Like a “this is pathetic that I am sitting here sucking on a carrot with a bunch of girls and gay guys when I SHOULD be home cuddling on a couch with a great guy who loves my guts but who doesn’t exist and so I’m here with this carrot” sort of way. Sigh. I need to get my head out of the gutter. I think I’m just hungry. Imma go make a bagel. Did I tell you that my new job has bagels and english muffins and ALL the toppings you could ever hope for?

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 11:04 am

        sounds like a magical place. Question…do you shave the carrot before? Or kind of just put all the weird dirt mark skin stuff in there too?

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 11:08 am

        gosh i dunno. this will be my first class. i guess i’ll do whatever the teacher says and hope for shaved props. i wonder if we get grades. if there’s a chance to get an A, i go balls to the wall.

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 11:11 am

        Might as well go with the cucumber btw….that way you are ready for anything.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 11:18 am

        If they use cucumbers and humus I plan to (accidentally) eat it.

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 11:20 am

        Just don’t take that lesson home with you…penis with hummus sounds not tasty and painful.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 11:38 am

        have you ever dipped your leftover pizza crust in humus? it’s my new favorite way to eat pizza. i’m so hungry.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 11:10 am

        They should just use the gay guys.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 11:37 am

        If Anderson Cooper is there, great! Tom Cruise, no way.

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      • avatar

        amy July 11, 2012, 10:54 am

        To be honest, I don’t think I would freak out. If he said, I want to see how this relationship is without being clouded by sex, I might think he is being honorable.

        Then again, I can be too trusting, I just think the LW is moving too fast lol

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 2:56 pm

        Addie, it is QUITE the come-on to go up to a guy in a bar or grocery store or something and say, “Hey, I just graduated a blowjob seminar. Want to see what I learned?”

        I doubt there wouldn’t be any takers. Just sayin’.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:11 pm

        Wait, these classes actually exist? That’s hilarious! Just too fucking hilarious.
        Hmmmmmmm. Perhaps THAT can be my new career…

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:53 pm

        It is amazing what little changes can make such a big difference! I wonder if there are HJ classes, beacuse I haven’t met a girl yet that can give me one as good as I can!

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:57 pm

        My friend’s mother actually told her that HJs were a pointless activity since we can never give em as good as the man can to himself. I wish my mother had given me such helpful advice instead of ‘wait til you are married’

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 3:59 pm

        Not entirely true. While yes…after a certain point a full on HJ is really lame a woman’s hand is way softer and better than my own calloused man hand.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:03 pm

        you just need a better hand care moisturizing routine. I Highly recommend Nivea creme. Or anything by Victoria’s Secret if you want your man part to smell like a hooker.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 4:06 pm

        I think it is always awesome to have somebody besides myself touch my peepee, but I’m just saying I can get to the point better than anyone else. I do like it as a warm up to get the motor running though, but if you are doing that to get to the end point just let me do it, and play with some other things or give me a female version of a tea bag while I’m at it!

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      • avatar

        rachel July 11, 2012, 4:13 pm

        Bet your fiance *loves* when you call it your peepee 😛

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 4:18 pm

        haha yup! That or weewee!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:29 pm

        Btw does your fiance read DW? Does she comment? Does she even know about your life on DW?

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 8:39 pm

        She’s knows I read this site, but I don’t think she has ever read it herself. She would definitely think that I share way to much if she did, she is more of a private person than I am. I’m open with my sex life with whomever may ask, but she doesn’t like to talk about that stuff.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:57 pm

        I will never see the point in HJs. If you’re gonna do that, why not just go down? I don’t give HJs. Just seems boring and awkward.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 4:04 pm

        Unless you work in a massage palor, and have some nice lotions!

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:05 pm

        I’ve given a few…not to my ex but to guys I was out on dates with, brought back home but didn’t want to sleep with. I don’t do BJs unless he’s my BF, meaning we’ve both been tested. So it was HJ or nothing, they take the hjs.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 4:08 pm

        Well in that case you have to, like I said above it is always nice to have some body else touch it. Hopefully they got to touch some stuff too!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 4:25 pm

        I had a no bj policy, lifted only for Peter on holidays and birthdays. That ended about as quick as Peter could say he would have a no oral sex policy too. Until him, I’d only given one a handful of times at best. I like to think I’ve gotten quite good at them now.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant July 11, 2012, 4:32 pm

        Its funny how those policies can change for the right guy. I had a very strict policy against them, now its no big deal.

        I didn’t even need any incentive. He loved me, I loved him, they made him happy, making him happy made me happy.

        Everybody’s happy!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 4:35 pm

        Yes, it is so true, the whole making him happy makes me happy thing.

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:07 pm

        Um, okay, THIS seems obvious to me, but obviously it’s not. Look, the key to a REALLY good handjob is that you are busy making out at the same exact time… Again, it all comes down to multitasking here…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:26 pm

        I hope this LW appreciates all this wonderful advice she is getting.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:30 pm

        I Was JUST thinking that. Like This poor LW. She’s getting sex tips when she has no need for them for 2 months!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:33 pm

        Well, maybe if she had these tips she wouldn’t be facing 2 months of sexlessness.

        Gawd, 2 freaking months without sex? That times 4 is what I’m working with. And have I written in to Wendy yet to complain? No. (Well, not about that.)

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 12:59 pm

        Sadly, I have you beat by a LOT (were talking 2 months times double digets here). /sigh Having a sex only with a S.O. policy is a real pain in the butt somtimes.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:40 pm

        Not gonna lie. I’m perusing men online, Lili needs a date with a man. All this sex talk and my dry spell has be all hot an bothered. at work. So hot and bothered that I haven’t eaten lunch yet and its almost 2. Team Fatty Fail 🙁

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 4:27 pm

        To be completely honest, I am uncomfortable handling a limp penis. I feel almost embarassed for the guy when its not hard. I understand HJs are meant to get you from limp to hard, but I still don’t feel comfortable. Its so floppy, makes me want to laugh.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:30 pm

        Try kissing more or talking dirty, LBH. Hey, I’m not big on Mr. Limpy myself… That why I always get the motor good and running first, I don’t even get them free and out of their clothes till they are all revved UP.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 4:33 pm

        This is awesome. Maybe I would enjoy it more if it were half way there. You should start these classes, online even.

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 1:00 pm

        Take your top off first. Problem solved.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:30 pm

        Agreed. Limp penises and limp handshakes are both creepy. Like touching a dead body or something.

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 4:32 pm

        what about a limp penis shake?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:34 pm

        Only when one is alone at a urinal… 😉

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:38 pm

        I’m picturing Budj pottying.

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 4:41 pm

        I was thinking of pants down and shaking side to side…Idk…I do that in the mirror sometimes after a shower and it’s hilarious to me.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:51 pm

        No, now I’m picturing Budj dangling in front of the mirror.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:52 pm

        Such visual humor really has to be seen to be fully appreciated… 😉 Honestly, I’d have to witness this remarkable gesture first to fully offer up an valid opinion. You all know I am not one to provide my opinion just willy nilly.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:56 pm

        You know, for the first time in awhile I have to agree wit BGM.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 8:45 pm

        Haha I do that after running with compression shorts to get everything back in place, and where it suppose to be! That and sometimes it is just fun to shake it around. I will say that I usually am ready way before it comes out, but there is something about watching it get to where it needs to be in the middle of a BJ.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:42 pm

        Addie! Don’t you know? A dead body is always, ahem, STIFF!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:50 pm

        Well that’s a good point. Ok, that was a bad analogy. But now I’m wondering: a dead guy’s body is stiff, and his penis too, but how weird would it be to see a stiff limp penis? Like it’s little and hanging left or whatever but stiff. But not stiff and erect stiff, it’s limp stiff, if that makes sense. That would be weird. Also, do dead women’s boobs get hard? I don’t have enoug experience with dead people. The only dead body I saw was my dad’s and when I kissed his check it was cold and clammy and that was weird. [And now I’ve killed the mood with that I’m sure.] But someone answer my question about the hard dead boobies. Wait, does this mean when I die I will have abs of steel?

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      • Budj

        Budj July 11, 2012, 4:54 pm

        What is dead my never die, but rises harder and stronger.

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 1:02 pm

        Yay game of thrones reference.

        PS. Theon is an idiot.

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      • avatar

        rachel July 11, 2012, 4:39 pm

        I totally agree! A limp dick is just awkward. I will usually just avoid it and focus on other things until it’s at least semi-erect.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 3:37 pm

        They do! After Tuesday, I’ll have a degree from BJU!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:45 pm

        Hilarious. REALLY! It’s not THAT hard. Okay, well, IT should be THAT hard, but the actually act itself and its various techniques are pretty much… Nah, wait. Scratch that. Maybe it IS really complicated. Maybe it is just yet ANOTHER way I am incredibly and unusually gifted and oh-so-talented… Yeah, yeah. Lets go with that!

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:52 pm

        But Mark, we women need em for a lot of reasons 1– we usually have smaller mouths than men, someone has to teach us how to open it properly, like what warm ups to do. and 2–Gag reflexes, we have to learn how to shove things there to get over the reflex. I think I need this class now.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:56 pm

        Yea, I’m with Lili. Boys mouths are bigger and really, I’m sure I’d be better at giving another woman oral than giving someone of the opposite sex oral. You just know the parts better. Unfair advantage.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:01 pm

        I consider my lack of attraction to women to be one of my life’s cruelest ironies. I mean I connect better with women, I get the parts, I know what to say to make em feel better and what most women are thinking about at random times just by a few cues. I just…can’t get physically excited around them. Naked hot women give me insecurities, not arousal.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray July 11, 2012, 4:04 pm

        I think I’d be great at it too, lbh.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 4:20 pm

        Ooh baby.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:13 pm

        Okay, now it IS true that guys have bigger mouths than ladies, but that advantage is immediately offset by the simple fact that — statistically speaking — gays guys have larger cocks than their straight counterparts. Strange, but true.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:17 pm

        Statistically speaking (from personal experience) I can’t help but feel more hopeful since every dick I’ve seen since the ex has been magnum sized. Mark, I REALLY need your BJ class.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:16 pm

        Read it and weep, those of you who can marry anywhere and everywhere.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 4:05 pm

        BGM, you really should give classes. Advertise them in some rich suburb full of bored housewives. I’ve heard that those WASPs-turned-skanks-with-martinis love having a gay man teach them about BJs and will pay a boatload of money for “guaranteed results”.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:10 pm

        Perhaps to keep it fresh and interesting the woman with the HOTTEST husband could insist he tag along and serve as my, ahem, “model”…

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 1:17 pm

        Howcome there are classes on BJs from gay guys for women but there aren’t any classes (at least that I know of) from lesbians teaching us striaght guys better ways to give oral? I call discrimination. *crosses arms and makes pouty face*

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  • avatar

    amy July 11, 2012, 10:23 am

    My theory? The guy is slowing things down because LW sounds like a stage 5 clinger in her letter… after a few weeks of knowing him. I would run. RUN, military man, RUN RUN RUN!!

    Reply Link
    • Brad

      Brad July 12, 2012, 1:07 pm

      Go!! Get to da choppa!!! *arnold growl*

      Sorry you made it think of it and I couldn’t resist.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    painted_lady July 11, 2012, 10:23 am

    Totally and purely food for thought here, but I do sort of wonder about *how* he came to this conclusion. LW, if you get a weird vibe off it, why? I’m nearly always an advocate for trusting your own feelings. My first thought – and this is purely me projecting here – is that I wonder if there was anything blame-y to his “We can’t have sex right now!” declaration. I’ve had a couple of experiences where the guy was like, “NOOO! What have you DONE to me, you filthy seductress?!” And any man who feels that way, doesn’t get to have sex with me again. Or maybe there’s a reason he doesn’t want to be that guy, like a girlfriend or maybe an STD – not necessarily a dealbreaker, but definitely not someone I would consciously have a one-night stand with. I dunno. Be really honest with yourself about why it feels off. Are you just worried because it’s unusual? Because it is. Is your ego bruised/are your insecurities coming out of the woodwork because he has openly said he’s not sure how he feels about you? Or is it something else? At the same time, for crying out loud, it’s two months, and if you get two months into this and it turns out to not be what you wanted, what have you really lost? Especially because, if he’s legit, this guy sounds like he could be a really good thing.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Laura Hope July 11, 2012, 10:25 am

    I think you’re looking for us to psychoanalyze this guy but we can only guess. It’s too soon to do anything but take it as it comes and be in the moment.

    Reply Link
  • rainbow

    rainbow July 11, 2012, 10:28 am

    “part of me thinks that if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t be wondering whether or not he’s ready for a relationship”

    And that’s the mindset that puts people in awful relationships and causes a lot of unnecessary heartbreak. The fact that you really like someone doesn’t mean that you’re ready to jump into commitment with them. It has very little to do with it. He knows it, you don’t, I say take his lead and take this opportunity to learn it.

    It’s also possible that this is just an excuse. That he knows that for whatever reason he won’t feel like sex. Maybe he needs some time to get in the mood after coming home, some time to unwind and change from military dude mindset to relaxed civilian mindset, or something like that. If that’s the case, then you’re hurting your chances of a relationship with him by pushing it. People are not supposed to want sex with you whenever just because they wanted it in specific circumstances, and if your genders were reversed it would seem much more obvious.

    I say agree, be gracious about it and don’t try to tempt him just to feel desirable / in control. It can’t hurt you, but it might let him know that you respect him and have his best interest in mind.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    cdobbs July 11, 2012, 10:34 am

    This guys sounds so fishy to me…you already slept together so why would you want to be celebate now? very strange, especially from a guy…i think he is handing you a line personally…i would not be suprised if this relationship was headed for splitsville…sooner rather than later

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      amy July 11, 2012, 10:38 am

      I think it’s because the LW is already talking about getting married later, but they are they are too young. I think he senses that she’s a bit off of her rocker and way too into something that has only been for a few weeks. She is going to go off the wall when he is away for a month, classic “military girlfriend” waiting for her man… after knowing him for a few weeks.

      I think something inside of him is SCREAMING that this girl needs to slow it down

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 11:28 am

        Wow, reading your comments, I agree. Makes a lot more sense.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 2:36 pm

        True, the commitment-manic are always the first to brand someone else commitment-phobic… Maybe he IS trying to ease her back to reality a bit.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow July 11, 2012, 10:42 am

      There are many personal reasons he could have to want to be celibate, it doesn’t have to be all about the LW, so the fact that they already had sex means nothing. He’s got plenty of other stuff going on in his life that could be influencing this.

      I’ve done it. I’ve needed times of no sex with people even after times of sex with them, even while staying in a relationship with them. And it never worked out because people made it all about THEM THEM THEM. OMG if you already had sex with ME now why wouldn’t you want to have sex with ME? is MY body not sexy enough? Don’t you love ME? Are you breaking up with ME? Maybe the guy just doesn’t want sex, period. And if she agrees to it he can not have sex right next to her, and if she makes a fuss he’ll go not have sex someplace else.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    londonlin6 July 11, 2012, 10:38 am

    Guys want two things. Sex and Sandwiches. If he’s only getting sandwiches from you when he comes home, then he’s probably getting sex while he is away in the military. The fact that you had a “weird” feeling, leads me to believe (a la “Blink” by Malcom Gladwell) that you are not cool with that. Maybe if he makes it clear you are not to be “having relations” when he is home, he feels that its not exclusive, and can therefore do what ever he wants when he’s away.. aka cheat on you.

    I could be totally wrong, and he might say this, and come home in a month, take one look at you, and all that goes out the window and he jumps you! All I am saying is, if your brain made you pause, there’s probably a good reason for that.

    ALSO you should not have to “wait and see if he’s really ready for a relationship”. It’s not space travel, its a relationship. IF he was REALLY 100% about you, and really into you, there would be no question about it, he would want to lock you up ASAP. Sex, talking, the whole thing. TRUST ME!

    There is a guy out there for you who will not need time to “see if he really wants a relationship” He will KNOW he wants one with YOU and will thank his lucky stars this guy messed it up. YOU deserve someone who wants to give you the full 50% as you want to give him the other 50% to make your relationship 100% work. It’s just that simple.

    Reply Link
    • katie

      katie July 11, 2012, 10:40 am

      can you, and do you, expect a full 100% commitment from everyone you date after “a few weeks”?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        londonlin6 July 11, 2012, 10:45 am

        they slept together, met parents, had the “talk” no i personally dont, not after a few weeks, expect a full 100% commitment, but i didnt meet parents, sleep with someone, ect all super fast. people commit to people for the smallest reasons sometimes. the point is, if she’s ready to committ and he’s not, then that’s it. you cant force someone to want the same thing you dont. If he “needs time” then i’d say “fine then I need time too lets not be exclusive then”. HE is just thinking he “needs time” he’s not even thinking “what if i give HER time”? she could meet the one tomorrow and it would be his loss. My point is, he is still thinking about what HE wants or what HE is ready for, and there is nothing wrong with that kind of thinking, but that kind of thinking has no business trying to be 50% of a relationship.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow July 11, 2012, 10:55 am

        “he is still thinking about what HE wants or what HE is ready for, and there is nothing wrong with that kind of thinking, but that kind of thinking has no business trying to be 50% of a relationship”

        And how are you going to have a successful relationship if no one involved knows what they want or are ready for because trying to figure it out would be disrespectful to the other one? How do you know if you’re in the right relationship for you or if you’re just doing your best to keep alive something you felt like one day just out of blind loyalty? All you’re saying sound very clingy and dysfunctional to me.

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      • avatar

        Lindsay July 11, 2012, 1:48 pm

        I’ve met guys who I thought early on were amazing and would be good boyfriends. But I’m not going to commit to a serious relationship after only a few weeks. And I’m pretty sure that if a guy asked me to do that, I’d find him kind of creepy and controlling.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow July 11, 2012, 10:48 am

      I don’t know what kind of men you surround yourself with, but I’m not sure I’d like them.
      Men only want sex and sandwiches? WTF??? That’s awfully reductionist and paranoid. Get better friends.

      Reply Link
    • rainbow

      rainbow July 11, 2012, 10:51 am

      “YOU deserve someone who wants to give you the full 50%”

      Part of that 50% is thinking things over, being sure he’s available to give you whatever he promises, and not rushing into a relationship with you if there’s a chance his circumstances won’t let him do it right.

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    • avatar

      Nadine July 11, 2012, 11:00 am

      I actually mostly agree with your sentiment, except for the “sex and sandwiches” thing which is just ew.
      Yes, the guy is being very emotionally sensitive (whether or not this is a bad thing remains to be seen) but lets not assume just because he is not sexing the LW, he is sexing someone else. Some people are like that, but not all, and definitely not all men. Give them some credit.

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      • avatar

        londonlin6 July 11, 2012, 11:28 am

        The sex and sandwiches thing is/was a joke. I just think it’s setting this brand new relationship up for faliure if you remove “part” of the relationship (sex) right from the get go. It’s ok to not be ready, and it’s ok to take time to figure out what you want. But then don’t be in a relationship with that person. Step back, and then if/when you are ready, then be in a full relationship.

        and re: above, I was saying, there is nothing wrong with taking that time to figure out what you want, but as some point, your “what I want” has to change to “what WE want”. my point is, he’s not even thinking about her, or how that will effect her feelings to be in a relationship with someone, but no sex. Even his explanation of “I dont know if i want to be in a relationship” is selfish. He could of said “I think we rushed into the physical part of our relationship, and I think WE should take a few deep breaths and slow down so WE are not rushing into anything” He did not say that, it was all I THINK I want.. ect.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 11:37 am

        You sort of make it sound like the instant people meet and like each other, they better start banging because that’s the only way there will be a relationship. I don’t think it usually works like that. There’s a lot of people who wait to have sex until they establish their relationship.
        He’s being honest about not knowing if he wants to be in a relationship, so why is that a bad thing? Its not selfish, its honest. She now knows where his head’s at and can decide what she wants. Plus, a short term relationship like they have does not call for “we” yet, imo.

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      • avatar

        amy July 11, 2012, 12:22 pm

        I have massive relationship anxiety (very under control thanks to professional help) but I can garan damn tee that the last thing I wanted when I first got together with anyone was to start banging. I would throw up after every milestone hahahaha. Our first kiss, I would be throwing up the next day, and every major milestone after that would result in me being sick with anxiety lol.

        I fell in love with someone that didn’t even try to hold my hand on the first date, didn’t try to kiss me on the first date, nothing like that. I didn’t think he wasn’t into me, I thought he was respectful, and thankfully, it eased my anxiety, A LOT, becuase he did not push me…. then… well, lol then it made me want him more lol.

        However, from my numerous posts, I think this guy is pulling away from the LW because he wants to slow down. She’s LITERALLY head over heals after only a few weeks. Some of us might feel that way, but we certainly don’t discuss marriage etc., that would cause anyone to run for the hills, and I think this guy is doing that. Hell, I would too.

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      • FireStar

        FireStar July 11, 2012, 12:54 pm

        I don’t know that the point that “what I want” changes into “what we want” is two weeks after meeting. And I know I, personally, would be irritated if someone started telling ME what WE want and how WE should take deep breaths. It has been two weeks – an intense two weeks but two weeks – he wants to step back and go slowly so that they can figure out if they like each other, if they have things in common, if their connection has a future outside of the physical. This is not strange behaviour. Quite frankly don’t we tell women all the time to go slowly, figure out what you really want, don’t get swept up in the honeymoon phase or the words of sweet nothings he whispers to you or the great sex? How is this any different? LW, if you want to get to know this guy and perhaps have a relationship with him – then dial the physical back a notch and get to know him better over the next two months; if, however, you just want sex in the next two months then move on. Truly it is that simple.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 2:49 pm

      I’m rather thrilled that so many people were so unfazed by this blatant sexism here with this whole sex and sandwiches theory… Gives me hope for my forthcoming theory that all women only want cash and somebody to nag…

      😉

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 2:56 pm

        HA, you’re too late on that one:

        http://www.menarebetterthanwomen.com/women-are-whores/

        Trigger Warning to the Ladies: only go if you’re looking for a rise in blood pressure.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 2:58 pm

        It may be sexism, but it’s incomplete sexism. Everyone knows that a man needs sex, sandwiches, AND uninterrupted video game/football watching weekends in order to remain faithful.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:03 pm

        I need all those things (er–minus the video games) too! I get SO ANNOYED when that one friend who doesn’t care about football and is only here to socialize/stare at Aaron Rodgers’ ass starts talking during plays. I think I even once said “QUIET bitch, i’m watching the game” and that just shocked her into silence.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:13 pm

        Honestly, I don’t know any men that love and crave sandwiches… Come on? Seriously? Sandwiches? That’s like saying you need a glamorous, exotic vacation and then only driving to very the next town…

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 3:30 pm

        I make a really sexy pesto-and-Monterey-Jack grilled cheese…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:33 pm

        COTD…and yum!

        Anyone ever hear of sploshing? Peter and I watched a documentary on it once and now every time we’re enjoying food, we give each other weird eyes and ask Splosh?

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 3:52 pm

        Uhm I just googled that and wish I hadn’t. I should know better by now.

        Just a forewarning, don’t bother with chocolate sauce. It isn’t fun, even when used in small amounts.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:54 pm

        Hahha, thanks! And sorry I didn’t warn you.

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      • bagge72

        bagge72 July 11, 2012, 3:56 pm

        I crave a sandwich when I’m extremeley hungry or when I see it on TV, there are much better foods out there to crave!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:14 pm

        You must make a lousy wife. Every good woman knows its uninterrupted video game/football watching while receiving oral sex. I really won’t blame your hubs when he cheats. You’re basically asking him to.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:18 pm

        I actually tried to give my ex a bj during a hockey game (on TV, had to clarify I’m not an exhibitionist) and he turned it down saying it was too distracting and he was really into the game. Its left me with a sexual rejection form of ptsd.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:30 pm

        Ok, since we’re sharing, I like listening to Peter when he’s on business calls, idk, just sounds super smart and professional. So one morning he’s in bed on a call and I went down. He accepted it and enjoyed, but after he said he was distracted and felt that he couldn’t enjoy it as much as he would’ve liked to. Made me sad too, although it could’ve just been a tactic to get another one!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:33 pm

        I’ve NEVER gotten that complaint… or comment. Too distracted? Really? Hmmmmm, maybe some of you REALLY do need that class… 😉

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 3:35 pm

        MEANIE!

        I get wanting to concentrate though. Maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better 🙁

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 3:39 pm

        Personally, I’ve always found insanely hot to either do OR receive such pleasure while on the phone with yet another boring call. But then, gay guys are usually better at multitasking than most. 😉

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 11, 2012, 3:44 pm

        I’ve always wanted to try and hold a “normal” conversation on the phone with someone while engaged in another “activity”. My boyfriend thought it was weird that I’m turned on by that.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 3:35 pm

        Its ok Mark. I’ve realized that had he offered the same while I’m watching Downton Abbey, I would have refused as well. Hockey was his Downton. And Downton is my hockey.

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 4:01 pm

        I don’t know, I found it pretty fun to fool around while watching the Tudors… especially when Henry is also fucking on screen.

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:14 pm

        Downton is more refined, missing a witty Cousin Violet liner is TRAGIC.

        I’m thinking the Tudors (never seen it) is like True Blood-meaning sex on a stick. I loved fooling around while true blood was on. It was actually ‘our show’ and we caught up to the 3rd season-the Alcide Season–sigh before we broke up. I could have used a man anytime Alcide’s on screen. But drinking blood red mimosas with my bestie while watching it is just as nice. Nicer since I can imagine my next lay WILL be Alcide and not feel like i’m cheating!

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      • SweetsAndBeats

        SweetsAndBeats July 11, 2012, 4:17 pm

        The Tudors IS sex on a stick mixed with awesome political intrigue. And if you ever miss a plot point, you can just Wiki it to remember what happened.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:20 pm

        True. Season 1 of Downton Abby is best viewed oral sex free, but Season 2? Sadly, now that batch of episodes REALLY could and should be enhanced by you being as much distracted as humanely possible… That way you won’t notice the insane drop in the quality of the writing… Other than its very last episode, Season 2 was a sad and dreary mess…

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:36 pm

        OMG Mark this is such a good line though:

        Violet: Your turn will come.
        Lady Edith Crawley: Will it? Or am I to be the maiden aunt? Isn’t this what they do? Arrange presents for their prettier relations?
        Violet: Don’t be defeatist dear, it’s terribly middle class.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 4:40 pm

        There were still good lines to be had, but they were fewer and far between and the plotting was just off… It was hurried and rushed. Every time an episode set up an interesting situation for a supporting character, it was INSTANTLY resolved be either the very end of that episode or the next. Every time, I got interested in a storyline, the show then went: “Oh, well! Moving on! Enough of that!”

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      • Lili

        Lili July 11, 2012, 4:50 pm

        I feel you there. Especially with the Robert Jane story, I REALLY wanted that one to play out longer.

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 1:29 pm

        The holy trinity.

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      • avatar

        bethany July 11, 2012, 4:37 pm

        What about cats?? We want cats, too.

        FWIW, I’m required to make my husband 2 sandwiches a month. I somehow agreed to that when we got married.

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh July 11, 2012, 10:39 am

    if this was happening further in to the relationship i might have concerns. but you’ve known each other for a few weeks and he wants to take a step back and move a little slower. i don’t get how there is anything that odd about that. maybe after you talked he realized you were having deeper feelings than him and he didn’t want to let things develop before knowing if he shared those feelings? not too odd to me. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to get to know someone before really starting a relationship with them, isn’t that what dating is about?

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    • avatar

      McLovin July 11, 2012, 1:48 pm

      This was my first reaction to the letter as well.

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife July 11, 2012, 10:49 am

    If a guy told me he didn’t want to have sex with me for two months I would be out the door faster than he could bat an eye. Sex is TOO important in a relationship as far as I am concerned. Obviously not everyone will share my view on this, so you have to decide what is important to you. Me? Orgasms, particularly with the person I am involved with, is WAY up there on my list of must-haves….

    But it is only two months, and you can masturbate….

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 11:32 am

      This seems a bit silly. What if your bf/husband were away for two months? Would you leave him? Because that’s the situation here. Plus, they just met. If this were a long term relationship, I could see where you’re coming from.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar July 11, 2012, 1:02 pm

      Sex is important – but unless it is the most important aspect of a relationship I don’t see how this would work. Business trips/illness/surguries – all sorts of things can put sex on hold – it would be remarkable if a whole relationship is thrown out of the window because of it.

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  • avatar

    qm July 11, 2012, 11:00 am

    I think the key thing here is you’ve only known each other a few weeks, and you’ve done all of this couple stuff that a lot of people wait a few MONTHS to do. Maybe it’s been too much, too fast for him. Maybe he wants to get to know you and not just your genitals. If it were me, I think I’d wait. What’s the worst that could happen? After those two months, you could break up because he decides he isn’t ready for all of this. Or you could break up now, and he could decide next week he is ready, and he’ll go meet someone else. This probably isn’t about you. I know I’d freak out myself in your shoes, but I also know that I might pull back just like the bf. It’s all about emotional readiness. It’s never good to have one person more invested than the other. Let him have his two months to get himself together and get invested. And if he isn’t after those two months? Break-up and find someone who is ready.

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  • avatar

    *HmC* July 11, 2012, 11:09 am

    I think this could go either way, depending on the guy. But, I have to say, given that he slept with you FIRST and then decided he wanted to wait, and given that he had a girlfriend for four years that he didn’t end up committing to, in the context of how he’s acting now I’d honestly be a little weary. Neither of those things are bad necessarily, nor is wanting to wait of course. And they aren’t necessarily reason enough to break things off with someone you have a connection with, but I’d just be aware that he may be 1) afraid of commitment or 2) not as into you as you might think. I say, if you feel a strong enough connection, give it a shot and just see what happens. But make sure you are looking out for yourself and are honest with yourself about what you want. If you honestly want a relationship, don’t be afraid to let go of someone you have a connection with, no matter how strong the connection is, if they’re not willing to give you what you want.

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  • Budj

    Budj July 11, 2012, 11:13 am

    I just think it’s hilarious how many bull shit detectors go off when a guy wants to with hold sex. Based on his reasoning it seems pretty believable that he would want to with hold sex due to the unfortunate timing of his 2 month’s away while getting to know the LW. Time will tell…but if she freaks out about this you can be sure that it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    There are way easier ways than sex droughting yourself out of a committment to someone.

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    • avatar

      ktfran July 11, 2012, 12:58 pm

      Thank you. After reading some of the comments, I was left wondering . . .

      What if a woman decide to have sex too soon in a relationship, decided it was a mistake at the time and wanted to wait for a while to do it again.

      If some guy was pressuring her or freaking out about it, everyone would tell said woman to dump him because he’s not respecting your wishes.

      Same goes for this instance IMO.

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      • avatar

        ktfran July 11, 2012, 1:11 pm

        * What if a woman had sex too soon then decided it was a mistake . . .

        Wow, sorry about the horrible grammar. I was eating lunch and typing this.

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    • avatar

      Sasa July 11, 2012, 1:06 pm

      It would be unfair and a little sexist to think that men can’t be the ones who want to wait for sex. If people’s bullshit detector goes off simply because they think that men always want to have sex immediately then I think that’s wrong. But there’s this cultural script that says that it’s chivalrous for men not to “demand” sex from a woman, and particularly, it’s considered bad for a guy to “use” a woman just for sex. My guess is he’s really unsure whether he wants a relationship with her and he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy. He told her he’s not sure he’s ready for a relationship. It would be different if he had said “I want this relationship, but I want to take it slow”.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow July 11, 2012, 1:33 pm

        It IS sexist to assume that if a man doesn’t always want sex all the time then something is “wrong.” I think on the same note, assuming that he must be a “stand-up guy” simply because he’s putting sex on hold is just as sexist (or at least, it stems from the same sexist beliefs). But you’re right – he’s backing off because he’s not sure he wants a relationship, and that’s what concerns me. They DID move too fast, so maybe he’s just slowing it down and there’s nothing wrong with that. This could be a good thing OR a bad thing. The LW just needs to wait and see.

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      • avatar

        Sasa July 11, 2012, 1:58 pm

        Yes, I agree with you. I actually think these sexist ideas are getting in the way of their communication. She’s thinking “He’s a guy, so normally he should want to have sex, what’s wrong?”, followed by “He’s not pressuring me, I should be glad because men always want sex, but he’s so chivalrous he’s waiting for me”. (Except she actually wants to have sex…). And another typical way of gender roles at work here is that she’s trying to interpret the hell out of what he said, rather than just flat-out asking him what it means or just stating what SHE wants and owning it. Personally I wouldn’t be ready to wait around for a guy for two months on his terms. Maybe she’s indeed moving too fast (sounds like it), but if she’s uncomfortable with his apparent backpedaling she could just say that to him and see what his reaction is.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 1:46 pm

      It’s because there is a very REAL bias here, Budj. One everybody will now jump down my throat for bringing up… 😉

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest July 11, 2012, 1:48 pm

        I don’t know how anyone could’ve missed it. I can agree it is a bit surprising that a guy would turn down sex, but to imply that he’s weird or off or up to no good because of it?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 1:53 pm

        Totally agree. It’s like guys are damned if they do, damned if the don’t. Had she written in saying that she recently met this guy, liked him, banged him, and he was now leaving but still wanted to sleep with her on all his forthcoming vacations, somehow I imagine the same people would probably say he was using her for sex and being a real cad…

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      • avatar

        rachel July 11, 2012, 2:00 pm

        Definite bias.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 July 11, 2012, 11:16 am

    For realz!

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 July 11, 2012, 11:17 am

      Ugh that was suppose to be on Budj’s!

      Reply Link
  • Leroy

    Leroy July 11, 2012, 11:28 am

    His plan is too clever by half. I fail to see how living on an army base and refusing to have sex with your girlfriend is going to make sex LESS of an influence on his thinking.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery July 11, 2012, 1:17 pm

    Two months isn’t that long. Real life isn’t Sex and the City. Get a grip.

    *if you really life him and want to see where this is going, that is.

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  • avatar

    spark July 11, 2012, 1:32 pm

    Ehhh… I think this is a bad sign.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 1:41 pm

    Honestly, I don’t think it’s commitment phobic to NOT want to want to enter full-fledged long distance coupledom after only knowing each other a few weeks. No, that’s actually called being rational. (Many DW LWs should perhaps look into this apparently often unheard and unthought of option… “Rational.” It’s in the dictionary, please do go look it up! 😉 ) Backing off this relationship a bit truly IS the smart thing to do here. You don’t really KNOW one another well at all and I’m sure that — yes, both your heads are clouded and fuzzy with the haze of fabulous sex…

    All too often there is a pointless rush to monogamy and a foolish rush to commitment if you ask me. So, yeah, I think you should both ease up a bit and examine this relationship with much clearer heads…

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark July 11, 2012, 2:16 pm

      Plus, he IS is going to be around a whole lot of other hot young men in sexy uniforms… I mean, yeah, He should probably keep his options AND his mind very open at this point…

      😉

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      • avatar

        amy July 11, 2012, 3:28 pm

        mmmmmm uniforms….

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      • Brad

        Brad July 12, 2012, 1:20 pm

        I’m sorry but boobs & pussy > cock any day. How you prefer the latter over the former is a mystery to me, but hey I don’t judge.

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      • avatar

        the other guy July 13, 2012, 12:41 am

        Just means more boobs for the rest of us !!

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    • avatar

      Slamy July 11, 2012, 3:42 pm

      Agreed.

      One of my good friends has a new boyfriend. FB status changed and everything. They just met a few weeks ago! Ridiculous.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay July 11, 2012, 1:43 pm

    Honestly, I don’t think it really matters whether it’s weird or not or what it means. If he wants to wait to get to know you better, then it’s a good thing. If he’s not interested in committing to you, then wouldn’t you rather not get so entangled with him sexually? Guys are people, too, and some are better at slowing things down and thinking them through than others. The best thing is to wait until his two months are up and then see where you two want to go from there.

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  • avatar

    Alex July 11, 2012, 2:22 pm

    This is as much a test of her. Any military man who has been in a while has seen plenty of guys who came home from an extended absence to find the house empty, divorce papers on the table, etc. That no doubt plays a large part in all this. The relationship is still very new, and while the LW seems happy, how will she feel when it’s been two months, or eight months, into a deployment and she’s only got her vibrator to keep her happy until she gets home? A lot of women end up miserable because they need more contact and intimacy than is given, and it’s better to figure this out now than later on in the relationship when he may be gone for a year or more.

    If the LW likes this man an sees a future with him, then she needs to suck it up and keep her legs crossed for the two months. Trust me, it won’t be easy on him either but it’s for the best. It will give both of you time to establish a better understanding of each other.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant July 11, 2012, 4:21 pm

    I have no idea why this guy wants to slam the breaks on your sexual relationship. Its not the normal route to take yes, and there could be any number of reasons why that I don’t feel qualified to speculate on.

    Have you asked him. Like REALLY sat down and discussed with him his reasons, what his expectations down the line are, what yours are? Are there any contextual clues you can compare to, like is he pulling away in other ways?

    I think you are really the only one who can answer this, and I think the only way to do this is to not let yourself get blinded by the new relationship butterflies and really observe whats going on. And above that, talk with the man. Be clear about what you want, and really listen to what he wants.

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  • avatar

    MiMi July 11, 2012, 5:05 pm

    what bothers me is that it isn’t a mutual decision or part of an ongoing discussion. what gives him the right to put conditions on the relationship without your input, and what makes you feel like you have to sit around and await his word from on high about how it’s going to be?
    smacks of control or issues we (and maybe you) don’t know about. there’s no magic about waiting two months or two weeks or two years to know if you want to be in a relationship with someone. Tell him to give you a call when he gets clear on the topic and go live your life on your terms in the meantime.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie July 11, 2012, 6:13 pm

    Hells bells, just get him alone somewhere, yank down his pants and give him a BJ. According to the President of the United States of America that’s not having sex. 🙂

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  • avatar

    the other guy July 13, 2012, 12:44 am

    Sounds strange to me, ‘guy has sex with woman and doesn’t want to do it again for 2 mths’, have to call bull$hit on this one.

    Seriously there has to be more going on than ‘wanting to get to know you better’.

    Reply Link

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