Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “He Wasn’t There When I Got an Abortion”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I was seeing this guy, “Jake,” for a couple months, and though the times we spent together were great, he and I never went out — it was always me going to his house. Even when he talked about the future, it was generic and he always needed to talk to me about some court date, his ex- girlfriend, and other things, like he just needed an ear.

Jake broke up with his ex two months before he and I started hanging out because he said she was crazy, on drugs, and all this jazz. Well, we started hanging out and I got pregnant, and by the time I realized it (about 4 1/2 weeks along), the ex-girlfriend was back in the picture. Jake said he did not care for and was trying to find a way to get rid of her.

Well, anyway, when I told Jake I was pregnant, he said he had no problem with me having an abortion but didn’t talk about it much. Long story short, he knew I was pregnant but then kept talking about how emotional he felt when his ex became pregnant last year (she had an abortion) like I didn’t even matter. He knows I want to be serious and don’t want him to waste my time. The first time he went to see his ex was just to help her — clean her dishes, wipe her counters, and keep her company. He lied about where he was going then confessed it was to see her. He always keeps saying “be patient with me” when I say I am going to move on. The second time he went to see his ex was just to “help her” again. After the third time, he called to talk to me about a fight they got in and I got upset and told him to stay out of life and that I didn’t want to be his therapist. He freaked out and never texted me again. Even when I had my abortion, he wasn’t there for me. He never called to follow up either.

I waited two weeks and then called him. There was a ring and then a busy signal and then he texted me to say “I will call you on Tuesday, I am a little stressed out with court…please do not call or text today.” Well, that Tuesday came and he never contacted me (this is unlike him). We were never official but it would have been nice for him to show some consideration.

I still have not heard from him — I do not plan on calling him again — and I am very angry. It’s like he just ran away and doesn’t care. I am not sure what I was to him in the first place but I need closure and I am so angry and want revenge. I am a pretty decent gal with a lot of great qualities but I guess that’s not enough. Can someone please tell me why he is acting this way and what I should do to heal? No one understands and I can’t take about my abortion with just anybody. — Disappointed

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and Twitter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

183 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary September 5, 2012, 9:08 am

    Ok, harsh truth time-He’s acting this way because he was never into you and he will never be into you enough to date you. You were right, he was treating you as his therapist and his sex buddy. Mostly, you were just his rebound, an attempt to get over his ex which didn’t work (because clearly he’s getting back with her in some capacity).

    I’m sorry that you had to go through the emotional and physical turmoil of an abortion. No matter what, that’s a tough situation. But if this guy can’t even stay away from his “crazy” ex-girlfriend he was never going to be the guy that would support you through an accidental pregnancy. This guy presumably has legal problems and an ex-girlfriend that he still isn’t over. Next time, aim higher.

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    • JK

      JK September 5, 2012, 9:28 am

      WKCS

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    • avatar

      Ravage Maladie September 5, 2012, 11:57 am

      Seconded.

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  • niki

    niki September 5, 2012, 9:12 am

    It sounds to me like he used you and is probably back together with his ex. He is most likely ignoring you now because he wants to pretend like the whole thing with you never happened. He can go on with his life, with his head in the sand, as long as he doesn’t have to face you. I am NOT saying that you should try to confront him though. I don’t know what his court stuff is, but unless he works at the court, I imagine it’s not good. Just leave him be. I understand you are angry, and rightly so. But you are not going to achieve any real kind of closure with this guy. What are you hoping he’ll say? You are giving him far too much power. You went through something incredibly traumatic. You had to go through it alone. That should tell you everything you need to know about this guy.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle September 5, 2012, 9:13 am

    “It’s like he just ran away and doesn’t care.” It’s not “like that” it IS that. I’m sorry you’ve been so duped. This guy is very obviously hung up on his ex (I hope you realize now that he was never “trying to get rid of her”). More that that, he is inconsiderate–I mean, even being hung up on an ex, he should’ve known to at least follow up with you about the abortion (although a stand-up man would’ve offered to drive you, pay for half, ask if there’s anything you needed afterwards, etc.)

    Forget him & let him be with his ex. Do you have any friends to talk to about your anger over him & feelings regarding the abortion? If not, I’m sure there are forums online where you can vent (just make sure they’re not anti-choice sites in disguise). I also recommend you get over your need for “closure.” Closure isn’t real– it’s often only an excuse to get back in contact with the person who hurt you.

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    • avatar

      ktfran September 5, 2012, 9:24 am

      I wanted to address her closure and revenge comment as well. I agree with you, Fabelle. I’ve had enough relationships end for various reasons that closure doesn’t really exist, we only want it to either get in contact with the person, or to help with the hurt.

      You know what you need to do, LW, is vent with friends. Keep yourself busy. Do things for you. And eventually, the pain will go away and you’ll forget about this a hole.

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    • avatar

      cporoski September 5, 2012, 9:25 am

      great comment about Closure! so true!

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    • avatar

      Sheryl September 5, 2012, 9:48 am

      I was going to copy and paste that line exactly. MOA.

      I just watched a How I met your Mother episode like this — “On the hook”

      You are totally on his hook. He doesn’t care about you, he just uses you for whatever he needs at the time.
      It sounds like he is also totally on his ex’s hook. But he is still a jerk for the way he is treating you, and you should absolutely not have put up with him, or give him another thought.

      I’m not sure what closure you are looking for (I hope you don’t think by seeing / talking to him “one last time” he’ll realize his true feelings for you — because that just ain’t gonna happen), but consider the hundreds of posts that will echo the same thing (MOA!! He doesn’t care about you), and hopefully you will get all the closure you think you need.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar September 5, 2012, 10:28 am

      Closure is the decision you make for yourself that you are done and moving on and learning from the experience. Closure is not something you get from someone else.

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 10:42 am

        preach!

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      • avatar

        Jessibel5 September 5, 2012, 11:28 am

        A thousand times yes.

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny September 5, 2012, 12:42 pm

        Yes!! Completely agree.

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      • avatar

        SiSisodaPop September 5, 2012, 1:24 pm

        THIS!!! This is what I wanted to say, but couldn’t find the words.

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      • avatar

        kali September 5, 2012, 7:58 pm

        Closure is also knowing he’s now with his crazy, druggie ex and has serious legal issues. You’re so much better off without this loser and he’s still stuck in a hell of his own making.

        Enjoy your freedom and, as Kerry Contrary says: next time, aim higher!

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  • avatar

    Oldie September 5, 2012, 9:13 am

    You know what you were to him, you’ve described it perfectly. You never went out and he was never willing to talk about the future, but was eager to talk about and visit with his ex. His reaction to your pregnancy was not positive. When you try to talk about serious stuff, he isn’t there and doesn’t get back to you. Today, you are nothing to him. In the past, you were a sympathetic ear and a booty call. Nothing in your letter suggests that he ever cared for you. I guess FWB is the most generous description of you and him, although it sounds like you never had any agreement on what you were, nor any ground rules, nor probably any real friendship. He treated you badly and the best thing you can do is forget about him, have zero contact with him, and try to figure out how you got yourself into this mess where you wanted and thought you were close to having a real relationship and he was having none of it. If he is interested in anyone, it is his ex.

    Wives complain that they can’t get husbands to do their share of the housework and you believe this guy visits his ex to clean her kitchen?

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    • avatar

      j2 September 5, 2012, 9:33 am

      WOS!

      He was never your boyfriend. MOA, and learn from this.

      You have my full sympathy on the emotional hurt over inability to discuss the impacts of your abortion on your emotional well-being. Please see a professional and licensed therapist. Please!

      Really, please.

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  • avatar

    MJ September 5, 2012, 9:24 am

    IWannaTalktoSampson always says that closure comes from within you, and I agree with her. You’re not going to get anything from this guy, but you can process what happened and plan ways to avoid this situation in the future. That’s how you move on.

    You’re wasting a lot of time and emotion on a guy who probably doesn’t even think about you. So if you can, stop doing that and start looking for a new guy who can treat you well. Or be single for awhile and work on whatever issues led you to accept being a booty call when you really wanted something else.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 10:04 am

      Ohhh, IWTTS is going to shit her pants when she reads this!

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      • Budj

        Budj September 5, 2012, 10:09 am

        is there a correlation between how many times you change your underwear in a week and how many times someone said WAPS! ??

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 10:13 am

        There used to be but it was too time-consuming so I started reading DW sans culottes…

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 10:21 am

        (That was supposed to be sexy, but the image I have now is of me pooping directing onto my desk chair. That’s less sexy.)

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      • Budj

        Budj September 5, 2012, 11:32 am

        HAHA – but hilarious….and messy….and not work appropriate.

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      • avatar

        Pinky September 5, 2012, 2:22 pm

        She’s a lawyer. It’s fine.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 3:11 pm

        Ha! I like this Pinky person!!

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 12:30 pm

      Oh my god I think I just climaxed. This is amazing. And so true for this letter.

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      • avatar

        MJ September 5, 2012, 12:38 pm

        I felt as though I needed to cite you. Glad it was good for you 🙂

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  • avatar

    cporoski September 5, 2012, 9:24 am

    Sweetie – This guy sounds like an emotional slut. I can see why you got emotionally confused. Here is a guy who didn’t take you out or make you part of his life. Then he would have sex with you and tell you all these emotionally important things and you thought that his leaning on you meant he cared. The fact is there are some guys out there who do this.
    The problem is that you had to get pregnant to find out that there was nothing there. He used you. He was faced with very real consequences to a fling and he ran away. That sucks. It sounds like he did this to his ex too. If it was me, I would take this as the hardest learning experience of your life, get tested for STDs, and never let a guy have sex with you without a condom until you are married.

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  • catch22

    Stephanie September 5, 2012, 9:27 am

    I don’t know why you’re upset – you told him to “stay out of my life and that I didn’t want to be his therapist.” He’s staying out, just like you asked.

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  • avatar

    lemongrass September 5, 2012, 9:29 am

    He is acting like that because he is still a child and you never meant much to him at all. He used you as an emotional dumping ground. Fuck closure. Don’t contact this guy ever again. Be angry for a little bit, channel it into something healthy: your work out, some art or whatever your hobby is. After you are done being angry (tops 1 month) then move on. Learn from this “relationship” to demand more from guys and don’t see them again if they use you.

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  • avatar

    SuzyQ September 5, 2012, 9:30 am

    Honey, this is as clear a case of “he’s just not that into you” as we have seen. Let me lay it out so you can see out through our eyes.

    – he never asked you to be his girlfriend
    – he never said he love you
    – he continued to date another girl
    – he was not there for you when you needed him
    – he did not return your calls
    – he asked you not to contact him anymore.

    I hope you will read this and see how much more you deserve. You need to have the self confidence that you deserve someone who will treat you much better.

    You will find it. Best of luck to you!

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh September 5, 2012, 9:33 am

    First I’m very sorry you’ve had to experience going through an abortion with no one to support you, I would suggest talking to a therapist if you feel you need to have someone safe to talk to about it.

    You were never anything to this guy which I know is not what you want to hear. You were someone to have sex with. Since from the description you never did anything other than go to his house. You were an interim replacement for his ex.

    Like Fabelle said above it would be wonderful if closure was a real thing that everyone got. But, guess what, hardly anyone ever gets true closure. Because even if you did talk to him you wouldn’t get the answers you want or need.

    Did you go in to this situation with him wanting a relationship or were you also looking to just have sex with someone? Because if it’s the first one then you seriously need to think about what it is you look for in a partner and why you’re willing to accept so little from them. You describe yourself as a decent gal with a lot of great qualities but you’re acting like you have no self esteem. Something else you may want to work on before trying to date again.

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  • avatar

    tbrucemom September 5, 2012, 9:35 am

    This guy is a douchebag in more ways than one. I also have to say this guy needs to practice safe sex. He’s already gotten two women pregnant and caused two abortions. I’m pro-choice, but come on, be responsible! Granted, the women are just as responsible and should have either demanded he wear a condom or used their own birth control, but even if they did there still would be the issue of STDs. I guarantee with these relationships overlapping it’s a real possibility.

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    • katie

      katie September 5, 2012, 9:40 am

      preach!!

      even pro-choice people think abortions are terrible. it is so simple to prevent their need at all!

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      • I'm An Earth Rocker!

        Miss V September 5, 2012, 11:08 pm

        I’m pro-prevention, too!

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  • avatar

    Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 9:36 am

    After the third time, he called to talk to me about a fight they got in and I got upset and told him to stay out of life and that I didn’t want to be his therapist. He freaked out and never texted me again. Even when I had my abortion, he wasn’t there for me. He never called to follow up either.

    Listen, I’m not excusing this guy leading you on, but YOU told him to stay the hell out of your life. YOU told him “I’m done with you.” It’s all fine and good to say that he should have read your mind and known that the time you were having your abortion was the exception (though did you schedule it before you told him to get lost? Did you tell him when it was?), but what you’re essentially arguing is that he should ignore what you’re saying and instead assume what you mean, which is a pretty condescending thing for someone to do. There’s nowhere in this letter where you say that you called him before the abortion and said, “I know I said to stay out of my life, but this is scary, and I need your support. Can you help me?” and he blew you off. It certainly seems like you never talked to him again until after the abortion.

    I’m sorry that you had to go through this by yourself. It’s obviously a very emotional experience to have an abortion, and it’s a heavy burden to carry by yourself. But it’s a bit unreasonable of you to tell a guy to get lost and then be offended that he actually did it. If you wanted him around for the abortion, you should have told him so.

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    • avatar

      bethany September 5, 2012, 9:45 am

      Totally agree with you.

      You told him to leave you alone, and he did. Don’t get me wrong, clearly the guy was using you before, and he wasn’t really into you– but you made it even easier for him to get away with it without feeling like the bad guy because you told him to leave you alone!

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    • katie

      katie September 5, 2012, 9:51 am

      yea, i think this is just more evidence that it was a terrible “relationship” for her to be in, because i think she had a point in what she said… she shouldnt be his therapist about his ex, you know? so i think she was right to do that, and that its a good thing that he listened!

      as terrible as it is to go through an abortion without the partner, i think in the end this girl comes out ahead. this guy obviously doesnt care about her at all…

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 11:10 am

        I agree that she’s coming out ahead. It sucks that she’s hurting now, but she’s lucky to have him out of her life for good. NOTHING good came from this “relationship.”

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    • landygirl

      landygirl September 5, 2012, 10:50 am

      Yes but then again he knew she was pregnant and didn’t offer to help her out financially with the abortion. He acted like he wasn’t responsible for it at all. The guy is a douche and the LW is lucky he is out of her life.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 11:27 am

        Again, not defending the guy’s actions, but where in the letter did it say he didn’t offer financial support? Or that he acted like he wasn’t responsible for it? Again, the LW told him to get lost and it isn’t clear that she ever mentioned if/when she had the abortion to him. If she called him looking for help and he blew her off, that’s one thing, but the LW doesn’t even mention doing that.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl September 5, 2012, 2:16 pm

        Her words don’t banish his responsibilities. He handled it poorly all around.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 3:16 pm

        No, they don’t, but I’m all for not assigning him unsubstantiated blame. If you want to say he was leading her along, fine. If you want to say he was an ass, so be it. But when you start saying he didn’t take responsibility for the child/the abortion, it’s a stretch when the LW effectively told him she didn’t want his assistance with it, unless you assign another meaning to “stay out of [my] life.” And stating that he failed to offer to financially aid her in the abortion is you pulling things out of thin air; there’s literally nothing in the letter that states anything that even remotely suggests that he failed to offer it. For all you know, he offered at first, and then she said “I don’t want anything from you. Stay out of my life.”

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 3:42 pm

        I’m with Guy. She told him to stay out of her life, and to be honest I think if a situation is this way–with the sperm donor out of the pic–its better he NOT be a source of support for her during her abortion and recovery. It might ‘bond’ them emotionally and keep perpetuating this dysfunctional relationship.

        LW–lean on friends. Find abortion support groups and meetings. Trust me, people can and will surprise you. Also, cultivate friendships that are deep and solid enough to where you CAN just call girlfriends over on days you feel you need support. Hopefully with more solid friendships, everyone will not put up with shitty behavior from partners like this guy.

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  • avatar

    Amanda September 5, 2012, 9:37 am

    I’m sorry that you are going through this difficult time alone LW. Do you have any close friends that you can talk to about this? Regardless, if I were in your situation I would seek counseling. Having an abortion is a life-changing event and you need to process not only the abortion, but also why you got together with someone who showed you such blatant disrespect. This man never cared about you, never dated you and he was never your boyfriend. Why were you interested in him in the first place? A good counselor can help you process all of this. Good luck LW.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs September 5, 2012, 9:47 am

    LW I’m sorry you had to go through that alone…this guy is just a classic example of what is going on with people now…when its time to step up and take responsibility…they turn tail and run (pathetic)…i also do believe he was playing not just you but probably the ex girlfriend…i would not doubt if he was sleeping with you both…not to state the obvious but you are both better off without a lying cheating man child like this…people like this will never take responsibility and will always put them self first…and I can’t think of any rational person who would want to deal with that…try to cheer up LW…take it as a learning experience and next time a guy like this comes along you won’t waste so much time!

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  • avatar

    cdobbs September 5, 2012, 9:48 am

    wanted to add one more thing…forget the revenge part…the best revenge is to move on and act like he meant nothing to you…if you lash out it demonstrates that he meant more to you then he deserves!

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    • avatar

      ktfran September 5, 2012, 10:00 am

      YES! I wanted to add this to mine, but forgot. It’s a busy morning.

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    • avatar

      Taylor September 5, 2012, 1:39 pm

      Yes! The best revenge is a life well lived.

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  • avatar

    rachel September 5, 2012, 9:56 am

    Oh LW, I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I hope you have some good friends to lean on. You need to forget about this guy…except for as an example of what a good boyfriend ISN”T. I know it hurts to be used, but you won’t get any closure out of this guy. Just move on, it’s healthier that way.

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  • avatar

    bethany September 5, 2012, 10:03 am

    LW- I’ve been in your situation, and let me tell you that any guy that isn’t there for you (regardless of if you told him to leave you alone or not), is NOT a person you want to waste any more of your time on. This guy proved to not be boyfriend material from the beginning, and then when times got tough, he STILL wasn’t there. Why on Earth do you want to give him another second of your time? He left you alone during one of the worst possible things EVER. I know how it feels, because I was left alone, too. I walked in there on my own, and walked out on my own, as a very broken person. Seriously, this guy is not worth your time. He’s not worth revenge, and he’s not worth closure. You’re not going to gain anything by trying to get closure from him. Trust me.

    Please seek some sort of outside support (therapy, support group, whatever) during this time… It’ll really benefit you in the long run.

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  • avatar

    Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 10:04 am

    LW,

    I have so many comments, a couple are relevant:

    1) My heart aches for you! You are sad, hurt, angry, and wanting more from life, but this guy is not going to give it to you. The abortion must have been traumatic, and I hope you can talk to your mom or a close friend or a therapist about it; I definitely think it’s better to talk to someone than to bottle up your feelings. But this guy is not the guy for you. With time you’ll see that.

    2) If it’s closure you need, here is what you do – you call him up and leave a voice message saying, “I’m just calling to say that, um, everything’s fine and I’m really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, see there I’m thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure.”

    3) I’m dying to know, what’s with all the court dates? Is he an attorney or bailiff or judge or something? I’m assuming no.

    4) This is not relevant but “bailiff” reminded me of this and I wanted to share – I learned a new word the other day – baileywick. “Giving advice is not in my baileywick.” You use the expression like “not in my wheelhouse” – or “cheesehouse” as I accidentally say sometimes – my smart friends correct me. Anyhoo, there you go, guys, a new expression for you. (Was I the last to learn this?!)

    5) I just wanted to share that I now live with a kitty cat and a two year old who gives me kisses, and I absolutely love living with both. I’m ready for babies (but not yet cats – not YET). And I may have accidentally said that to my new lover. … Like, on a scale of 1 to 10, how dumb am I?! I’m so bad at life!

    xo, AP

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 11:14 am

      I’m just happy you have a “lover” now, AP!

      Also, I’m happy the cats are growing on you. Soon you will be one of us.

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    • avatar

      rachel September 5, 2012, 11:22 am

      Yay for Friends references!

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    • Moneypenny

      Moneypenny September 5, 2012, 12:46 pm

      Yay for kitties and affectionate 2 year olds, and for new lovers!!! 🙂

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    • niki

      niki September 5, 2012, 1:06 pm

      Love, Love, Love the Friends reference.

      Also, about the court thing, I was wondering too. What is his “court stuff?” I am a criminal defense attorney, and while I ALWAYS advocate for my client, I’m sooo disenchanted with society because of it. The court system has just become a way of life for some people. When I explain the charges to my client and the consequences, unless there is some major jail time involved they don’t take it seriously. I’ll pull the record of a client who is only 20something years old and it’s 9 pages long. It’s really sad. Some of my clients know the system better than I do!

      Anyhoo, back to the letter, this guy sounds like a major loser.

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    • Roxy_84

      Roxy84 September 5, 2012, 3:22 pm

      I love a really good, spot-on TV/movie reference. Perfect AP! Also did I miss something? I saw a reference to textycokecan or something. I know why the texty, but does the coke can mean what i think it does? If so, congratulations!

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      • Roxy_84

        Roxy84 September 5, 2012, 3:42 pm

        I should have said mazel tov. Mazel tov is cooler.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 3:46 pm

        Can I have both – a congratulations *and* a mazel tov?! THANKS, ROXY! 🙂

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      • Roxy_84

        Roxy_84 September 5, 2012, 4:37 pm

        For this, ABSOLUTELY! Haha.

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  • avatar

    Sue Jones September 5, 2012, 10:24 am

    He showed you who he really is so be thankful that you found this out early on. Chalk it up to ” What a disappointment! He wasn’t the man I had hoped he would be.” and move on! And aim higher! Court dates? Does this mean he also is in trouble with the law and has a criminal record? Definitely be thankful that you dodged a bullet by not furthering your involvement with him. You may never get the real face to face closure that you desire, but you can instead write whatever you want to say to him on paper and burn it. Very therapeutic. At least it gets the negativity out of your system. And it sounds like he is screwing up his life all on his own…

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  • avatar

    Kath September 5, 2012, 10:41 am

    I’m sorry to be blunt, I know you’ve gone through something really rough and are hurting. But, consider it an expensive lesson learned: when you have sex without protection with guys you barely know, and are just ‘hanging out’ with, this is what you’re going to get.

    And as for ‘closure’…..closure of what? You weren’t dating, you weren’t in a relationship. He wasn’t your boyfriend. You were hooking up. There’s nothing to close. You hung out, you talked about his ex, you had sex.

    Hooking up is fine, if that’s all you want with a certain guy. But make sure that IS all you want. If you want a relationship, put off sleeping together until you HAVE a relationship.

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  • avatar

    Lucy September 5, 2012, 10:46 am

    Counting the seconds until bgm weighs in on this one.

    LW, I sympathize with how upset you are over going through the abortion alone. That sucks. But get some self-respect (and some reliable birth control). Self-respect means you don’t tolerate guys who have fucked-up entanglements with their exes, who lie to you, who never go out with you, or who have constant court dates (unless they’re lawyers).

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife September 5, 2012, 10:59 am

    He’s acting this way because he’s an asshole. Plain and simple. He was always a jerk to you–leading you on and having sex with you while constantly talking about his ex girlfriend. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, and is obviously more stressed out by his court dates than your emotions surrounding the fact that he got you pregnant (which he seems to have a history of) and then your subsequent abortion (which it also seems he has a history, and then seems to ditch the girls only to try and drag them back into the relationship later.)

    You need a good bottle of wine, a bubble bath and a therapist. It’s good you got the abortion, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have emotional baggage as a result of it. Worse, you are feeling like you want revenge on this guy–so maybe have a couple of sessions with a good therapist to give yourself a leg up in the self esteem department.

    And in the future, make a guy chase you a little more! You deserve to be taken out on dates!!! And wooed.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Lindsay September 5, 2012, 11:01 am

    I only read the first few sentences and then skimmed the rest, because it was pretty clear early on that he wasn’t worth your time. Even though the situation got serious quickly, he was obviously not interested in being serious with you. I know abortion can be a touchy subject, but you may find that your friends are more receptive than you might think. I hope you find someone you can talk to about it. You probably don’t need to be told at this point, but be very, very careful about whom you sleep with and how reliable your protection is. Accidental pregnancies are bad enough, but having to go through it with someone who doesn’t care about you is awful.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Kelly September 5, 2012, 11:29 am

    There is no such thing as closure in a situation like this, that’s just therapist mumble jumble. Your best revenge is to learn from this. Learn why you were willing to settle and what you want from future relationships. Learn about birth control options (and it doesn’t hurt to use mutiple forms) Figure out why you still care. No one can do any of that for you.

    Time will eventually heal you, not making the same mistake twice in how you allow yourself to be treated is the best way to heal.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 11:40 am

    Ugh, it’s a good thing you’re all not gay or you’d all be dead of AIDS.

    Whatever. This entire letter was SO revolting to me that I sorta threw up a little in my mouth. Yes, I am THAT disgusted by ALL involved here, LW. So much so, that I am not even going to bother offering any advice. But people who are ACTUALLY serious about relationships and life don’t get knocked up by stupid asshole guys that they’ve known for all of four and a half weeks. Learn to fucking respect yourself, for fucks sake.

    Take from that — what you will.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      ele4phant September 5, 2012, 11:46 am

      Its funny how you harped on and on about compassion for the brother in yesterday’s LW, and yet here, how do you feel? You’re revolted and throw up a little.

      Look, this girl is delusional. She was dating a grade-A loser and imagining he’d come around and be there for her, when any reasonable person could see that’s not going to happen. She did not communicate well, in the slightest.

      But she got pregant (at a young age I assume judging by her writing and overall maturity) and went through an abortion alone. It doesn’t sound like she has anyone to talk to about it. That’s hard. Hard enough that you might feel a twinge of compassion for them.

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 11:59 am

        The brother is mentally ill. This LW is just fucking stupid. Big difference. And say what you will about the pottymouthed brother — is he carelessly running around leaving human remains in a sink? And I say that as somebody who is SCREAMINGLY pro-choice and pro abortion. Obviously, this chick did the right thing in having an abortion. But my patience with deliberately stupid people is at an end. Sorry, it just is.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 1:11 pm

        You have no idea of the brother is mentally ill. You are not a mental health professional, nor have you any information on him besides what the sister provided.

        Let me put something out there. I, another non-mental health professional who knows nothing more than what is provided to me on the internet, think this young woman may have some severe issues. Issues that drive her to be with men who don’t give a crap about her, to make reckless decisions about her sexual health, and leaves her with no support group. Issues that require professional help. Is this true? I don’t know, but its just as likely as the brother in the previous letter (which is to say, we have no idea), and would make her just as deserving of compassion as he.

        Compassion isn’t just for those who have problems that aren’t their fault. People can make mistakes, big ones, and still be treated with compassion. Have you ever screwed up? Maybe made a huge mistake? Were you written off immediately?

        Besides, telling someone to get their shit together and feeling for them are not mutually exclusive. Far from it, sometimes the most compassionate response is to give someone a rude wake-up call. But you can still aknowledge how difficult and painful of a situation they went through, even if its of their own making.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 1:25 pm

        And I think all the OVERLY compassionate responses here ultimately only encourages bad behavior. I think that there is far too much “Ooooh! You poor little dear!” in this world right now and that suddenly, expecting people to actually take responsibility for their own actions has gone out the window… Now, everybody is a victim and needs understanding. Whatever. Getting yourself knocked up in modern society… where it is SO easy NOT to get fucking pregnant is behavior that all but begs to be called out.

        And no — to answer your question — I’ve never made such a stupid mistake as, say, getting some girl pregnant. And you know what? I easily could have done so AT LEAST twelve times.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 1:29 pm

        Compassion doesn’t always come packaged in “ooohhh! you poor little dear!”. As I said, you can tell someone to get their shit together, and still aknowledge how hard of a situation they’re dealing with.

        In fact, you yourself do that often. But today you essentially said she was revolting and made you want to through up. How is that helpful? How is that giving her a wake-up call to how her behavior is self-made. How is that helping her move on.

        If your goal is to give advice that’s going to be helpful, then do that. If its to shit on people and they’re problems, well, that’s what you’ve done today.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 1:45 pm

        This won’t come as exactly a huge surprise, but truthfully, it has NEVER exactly been my mission to help each and every LW. I keep saying this, but I am speaking to the the much larger canvas.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 1:53 pm

        Who, to us? The other commenters? With all due respect, are you sure we need/want your advice? Why do you feel you have special authority to give advice to people who aren’t asking for it, or that it may not even apply to?

        It makes since to comment about the letters, *because they’ve chosen to write in and ask for it* but it strikes me as somewhat presumptous to make yourself a beacon of advice to a larger community that’s not asking for it.

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 2:04 pm

        DW would be so boring without Mark!

        Also, I love that we have BGM to direct all projections at. I mean, he’s the kid who knocked us down in 5th grade for taking too long at the water fountain, the ex who never put up with our whiney bitch princess tantrums. The dude friend who thinks we need to figure out how to make better choices instead of letting us moan and be all woe is me for this mess. He’s ALL of these things for DW. So I say he serves a pretty good purpose indeed.
        <3 u BGM

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      • JK

        JK September 5, 2012, 2:05 pm

        WLS

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 4:49 pm

        Mark definitely adds a lot to DW – I would miss him if he stopped commenting, even though I may not agree!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 2:17 pm

        No, to other people who just read this site. Or ever will read this site. And no, I don’t feel I have any special authority — but then neither does ANYBODY else.

        I’m just telling the world what I think about the letters here. I’m just commenting on them. Notice that the prompt on the site says LEAVE A COMMENT. Its NOT called LEAVE ADVICE. Though that’s actually pretty much what everybody here seem to think we all are supposed to be doing. Sure, sometimes, I do leave advice. Sometimes I don’t.

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      • avatar

        pumpkinbread September 5, 2012, 3:28 pm

        this is my first comment…ever. the only reason why i decided to reply is to say that i hope you’re not driven away from commenting. i appreciate what you have to say, even though it’s often BITTER, from a GAY man’s point of view and an individual named MARK with his own experiences and point of view.

        some people don’t like harsh and direct criticism, but honestly i don’t know how many times i’ve read your replies and was able to take what you were trying to say and have it be useful.

        we all (should) have a friend/family/partner that can speak straight with us. sure, maybe you’re wrong sometimes (who hasn’t given the varying degrees of info included AND that these are literally real people who might just be the extreme of a spectrum), but you have never strayed from calling it like you see it–as i think other posters attempt to do. it’s really annoying that you get grief from your tone. this isn’t dearbgm.com.

        until Wendy lays out boundaries that state BGM’s brand of advice or commenting isn’t appreciated, can we skip the critiques of BGM’s lack of compassion? (and fwiw, you don’t need to be compassionate to give good advice or comment on someone’s decisions). it’s not like he doesn’t back up his reasoning. he shouldn’t have to constantly apologize for having an opinion.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy September 5, 2012, 3:38 pm

        BGM has a place here and adds value to our conversations. That doesn’t mean I always — or even mostly — agree with what he says or how he says it. But I generally appreciate his opinions.

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 3:46 pm

        and this is why i love this site.

        thanks, wendy.

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      • avatar

        quixoticbeatnik September 5, 2012, 11:08 pm

        Wendy, what ever happened to the Guys’ Take columns? I liked those – they offered a different perspective. I only ask because wasn’t BGM one of those guys? But if it’s too much for you to do right now, I totally understand – but it could be another way to kinda relieve your stress.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy September 6, 2012, 6:29 am

        Just taking a little break from it for now. It will be back eventually.

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 4:12 pm

        WPBS!!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 4:45 pm

        If this is your first comment ever you have got to keep them coming. I like your style.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 5:26 pm

        Thank you, Pumpkinbread. Seriously.

        Okay, I am off — too much else to do today. See everybody tomorrow.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 5:38 pm

        Thanks for this, I think I needed this check.

        I think its a suprise to no one, but I have a very different perspective than BGM, and I’m also opinionated, argumentative, and hard headed. Perhaps to a fault.

        I hope BGM knows I’m not trying to drive him away. Far from it, I enjoy getting into it with him, and wait eagerly for his reply to my comments.

        Sometimes I get a little riled up, but really, I do enjoy having some points of contention in the comments. It keeps things interesting.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 2:02 pm

        This is the comments section. You don’t have to provide advice to be able to provide your opinion. I agree with Mark that people looooove playing the victim. Like look what this mean, mean guy did to me. I’m so innocent. When you create your own problems I find it extremely helpful to point them out and shame people into not making them again.

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 2:09 pm

        Shame works well with me. Actually can some of you plan to come over to my house? I need to be shamed into cleaning it. I was too social over the weekend and the only thing that motivates me to be cleaner is the fear of the shame that people will think I’m a dirty slob.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ September 5, 2012, 4:47 pm

        I would agree – and I think many commenters have done that here with the “Oh honey, don’t bother with revenge and closure, just vent out your anger and next time AIM HIGHER.”

        AIM HIGHER is the compassionate way of saying “You fucked up in choosing to partner with this guy; your standards are clearly far lower than you deserve; people like this are not worth your time.” That’s really all that needs to be said. Flinging personal insults just makes people defensive and LESS likely to hear your message.

        That said… ele4phant, there’s really no use in trying to get BGM to change his tune. Others have barked up that tree before to no avail. Save yourself the effort and frustration. Many times I have written out a long and angry response to his comment and then at the end just hit “Cancel Reply.” A waste of time perhaps, but not as much time as you’d waste going back and forth with him. It helps me to think of him as a fictional character, a farce of a person, a caricature of how someone with a worldview drastically different from mine would behave and speak. If I treat him as fiction, there’s nothing to get mad at. Kind of like Barney on “How I Met Your Mother.” I don’t think I could be friends with a real-life Barney, but as long as he’s fictional, I can laugh about him.

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ September 5, 2012, 5:13 pm

        In my house, “aim higher” means “you pissed on the floor again. Quit staring at everything BUT the damned toilet and actually pee in the bowl or I’m going to make you sit like a girl when you need to pee”.

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      • JK

        JK September 5, 2012, 5:22 pm

        Put a ping pong ball in the toilet, so they have to aim at it to pee, it really works!!!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 5:30 pm

        I do so hope this is for your kids — and NOT all the grown up men in your life… 😉

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      • JK

        JK September 5, 2012, 5:31 pm

        haha bgm, I remember my parents using the trick on my brother when he was little. Luckily I have 2 girls, so no aiming issues (my husband was well trained) 🙂

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 3:29 pm

        WAIT! WAIT! I know what this thread needs: a conversation about the appropriateness of BGM’s comments! No one has ever brought that up before! Plus, BGM is more than eager to hear our thoughts as to what he should and shouldn’t be permitted to say here; after all, the opinions of the members of DW are basically how he gets through his day.

        I totally see how this is relevant to the LW. Thank you for filling an important void in the commentary here!

        🙂

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl September 5, 2012, 12:18 pm

      She said she realized she was pregnant about 4 1/2 weeks into the pregnancy. Not that she got pregnant 4 1/2 weeks into seeing this guy. Big difference. My guess is she accidentally got pregnant because either the condom broke or she wasn’t properly taking bc. Not that she intentionally got “knocked up by stupid asshole guys that they’ve known for all of four and a half weeks.”

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 12:25 pm

        Perhaps. That is it, yes. The condom broke. Sure whatever. They always break, don’t they? I mean not with me, apparently, or ANY of my gay friends… but with everybody else. Yes, oh yes, condoms breaking are such a common occurrence the heterosexual world that no LW ever even troubles us with that bit of info as somebody is always there just ready to kindly fill in the blanks.

        All these accidental pregnancies aren’t ever the result of carelessness. Or recklessness. Oh, no, it’s always some act of The Broken Condom God.

        Rereading the letter though, you are right —- I got the timeline wrong. Ironically, rereading the letter I now think that they got pregnant in even LESS than four and a half weeks.

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      • JK

        JK September 5, 2012, 12:29 pm

        Exactly, Mark. In around 10 years of on/off condom use (some years I was on the pill, others we were trying to conceive), I´ve had exactly 1 condom break. And I was at the beginning of my cycle, so next to impossible to get pregnant. But still I went out the next morening to get the emergency contraception.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 12:33 pm

        I’m sure “the condom broke” with his ex too, right?

        Anyway, isn’t that what Plan B is for?

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 5, 2012, 12:37 pm

        I’ve never experianced a condom break either, but I have friends who have and had pregnancy scares because of it. Also, one would think that incorrect use of condoms would lead to a higher breakage rate. (I’ve seen documentaries where interviewees have said they wear two condoms to doubly protect when in reality that decreases your protection and leads to higher breakage rates.) I was lucky enough to have great education about contraceptives, I assume you either had the same education offered to you or sought it out to protect yourself.

        Some people just don’t know how contraceptives and reproduction works. Scary but true. My fiance went to a school that taught abstinence only sex ed. He didn’t even fully understand periods or know that while on the pill your period is a fake.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 12:45 pm

        I once was watching a talkshow — so mind you, this SO could have been faked. But a young and incredibly dim couple was going on and on “‘Bout how ‘dey didn’ reckon how ‘dey got all knocked up as dey done gone and even used a rubber an’ all…”

        Only they had used a RUBBER BAND.

        I kid you not. That said, this was on one of those low rent talk shows like Springer so I always figured they probably were just REALLY bad actors with a fake belly strapped on. Hey, their accents WERE wee a bit thick…

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      • avatar

        Marin September 5, 2012, 3:41 pm

        From all of my friends, 2 have had accidents with condoms, one broke and one stayed inside the girl. One was on the pill and the other got emergency contracepcion and they didn’t get pregnant.

        But for example, a friend of a friend (someone I actually know, not a “friend of a friend” in that urban myth sense) got pregnant because she FUCKING “THOUGHT” SHE WAS INFERTILE so she wasn’t using any kind of birth control. This is a person who works AT A HOSPITAL as surgical assistant. So, yeah, people are pretty stupid I guess.

        I had ONE pregancy “scare” when I had sex and forgot to take a pill once later that cycle. I thought I hadn’t gotten my period but it was just a very light period from the birth control itself. IT WAS THE WORST WEEK OF MY LIFE, and I was with my boyfriend looking at the fucking pregnancy test. I do not wish that onto anyone.

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 12:45 pm

        i just think people should be held to higher standards then that, though… oh, poor person.. doesnt even know how sex works.

        in this day and age, if you want to know, you can. so anyone who wants to know about sex and how to have it with the smallest chance of getting pregnant can access that info, and even the tools for it, SO easily.

        sex comes with responsibility, and people need to understand that and he held accountable for it.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 5, 2012, 12:51 pm

        I totally agree that sex comes with responsibility and it seems like the LW was responsible in that she got an abortion because she knew she wasn’t ready/couldn’t care for/didn’t want a baby. I hope at the abortion clinic she was given better information about how to prevent pregnancy and STDs. I guess I just have a hard time calling people stupid when they are reaching out for help.

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 12:55 pm

        i agree.

        i do believe though, that people are so much more likely to just say the condom broke/bc failed somehow then to just admit that they did it without thinking about/without caring about the consequences. i wonder how many studies about birth control and their effectiveness have been skewed because of people’s egos.

        its just maddening that it is really so simple to prevent. it really, really is. and somehow this guy has been a part of TWO abortions with TWO women. im definitely pro choice, but im even more of prevent it before you need to make the choice, and so it grates on my nerves.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 5, 2012, 1:07 pm

        I totally agree. Prevent the crap out of pregnancy and there wouldn’t be the need for many abortions. Sadly some wack-os are trying (and have succeeded) in keepin real sex ed out of schools. Not to mention the folks trying to take away our rights to contraceptives but that a whole nother arguement.

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      • avatar

        cporoski September 5, 2012, 1:51 pm

        I agree 1000%.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ September 5, 2012, 4:38 pm

        Hmm… I had an abortion back in 2008. I was 20. I got pregnant because I fucked up my NuvaRing schedule, put it in a week late, and didn’t use backup contraception like you’re supposed to when you get off schedule. (Typical Gen-Y Invincibility “It Could Never Happen to Me” Syndrome.)

        And I remember when I went to the clinic, both the nurse who prepared me and the doctor who performed the procedure were SHOCKED that I was on birth control when this happened. They were all ready to give me free samples and educational pamphlets and whatnot, with the assumption that I was just another undereducated young woman who had sex without thinking, and I had to gently say, yes, I know how sex works and I know how BC works, I just fucked up. It was a double hit to the ego, to have healthcare professionals assume I was an idiot, and then to have to clarify just how idiotic I was.

        For what it’s worth.

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 4:51 pm

        just for the record, i dont think that birth control is 100% effective. its not, and people should know that. it happens, people make mistakes, the pills were manufactored wrong, whatever- it does happen, and i would never say that 100% every person who accidently got pregnant could have prevented it.

        what i do think is that it is not as in-effective as people make it out to be. something like 75% of babies in the US arent planned, right? and, as BGM said, only his hetero friends have “condom broke” babies, you know, but none of his gay friends have emergency hiv screening because of all their broken condoms… i just think that there is a much higher percentage of people who dont care/dont care in the heat of the moment and wont own up to it, and blame it on birth control.

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      • avatar

        Lucy September 6, 2012, 3:08 pm

        Pills are not 100% effective mostly because people screw up taking them, or they also take something else that interferes with them (probably without knowing).

        IUDs are virtually 100% effective and they don’t require you to use them correctly as long as they are inserted properly to begin with. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t use them.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 6, 2012, 3:18 pm

        some people use bcp’s for more than one issue. i use them in conjunction for both preventing (or reducing the chance) of cysts and birth control. i know other people who are in the same boat for other issues.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 12:45 pm

        It is VERY sad but true that some people just aren’t educated. Abstinence-only education DOES NOT WORK! I want to give some of the Missouri legislators a sex-ed class. I’ll do it for free, even.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 12:53 pm

        True, true, true… Still, it isn’t exactly ROCKET SCIENCE. I mean, programming my blasted TV remote is actually far more complicated. And I still figured out how to do that on my own… Make a little effort, people! Seriously…

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 12:53 pm

        I have never once in my life had a condom break. Yet that’s the go to excuse for unintended pregnancies these days. Why can’t people just admit their idiots and didn’t wear one. It is SO frustrating how little disregard people have for getting knocked up. It’s maddening.

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 5, 2012, 1:09 pm

        I actually did have a condom break – twice – with a guy I was dating. I wasn’t on bc, so we used condoms. He ALWAYS checked after, so those two times they broke, I rushed off and bought Plan B. That’s what responsible adults should do.

        IWTTS, this isn’t aimed at you. I just wanted to point out that they do break.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 1:25 pm

        YES on the plan B. In the rare event it does happen (although I just informally polled 6 friends and it had never happened to any of them either) you go get the morning after pill. That’s why I am that person that doesn’t think any pregnancies are accidental.

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 5, 2012, 2:49 pm

        Yeah, I don’t think it has happened to any of my friends. And I don’t think it’s a common occurance. I was flabbergasted, but glad he always checked just in case.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 1:17 pm

        You know, the LW never says anything to the effect that “The condom broke!” or “I don’t know how it happened!” Its not like she’s trying to convince is that she wasn’t careless. She very well could be aware that she was being reckless, and the result of no birtch control was pregnancy.

        She didn’t come out and say it, no, but *how* she got pregnant is not really the focus of the letter. Its was asking for help dealing with a painful situation that can’t be reversed.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 1:32 pm

        When somebody goes so out of their own way to create a painful situation, I have a tough time feeling sorry for them. Especially when half the letter is blaming all her problems on some guy.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 1:33 pm

        No but I have a hard time giving compassionate advice when people dig their own graves.

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 1:45 pm

        HAHAHHA I <3 you, IWTTS!

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 2:06 pm

        I agree with you – we shouldn’t kick the LW while she’s down. I’m very sorry that she had to endure this painful ordeal alone. Even though he gave no indication that he possesses an ounce of integrity, she expected her partner to at least have the basic human decency to help her in her time of need since, after all, it was HIS problem too.

        The thing is, I think that a a certain amount of “tough love” is warranted as well. I really think this LW needs to be aware of what HER part was in helping to create this situation. She’s really not blameless. And I get the idea from her tone (wanting revenge and “closure”) that she’s still putting the majority of the blame on her ex.

        However, if you’re expecting a response with a delicate balance of compassion and “tough love,” it’s simply NOT going to come from BGM. I mean, really… we all know that by now, right?

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      • avatar

        rachel September 5, 2012, 2:08 pm

        So true! There are plenty of commenters who are going to offer sympathy and compassion. BGM will offer the kick in the pants that they need!

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      • katie

        katie September 5, 2012, 3:01 pm

        to every yin, there is a yang…

        haha balance, people, balance.

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      • JK

        JK September 5, 2012, 12:25 pm

        They were “together ” for a couple of months, she found out she was 4 1/2 weeks. So she did actually get pregnant after about a month.
        Also, my policy is to think that unless LW makes a big fuss about “the condom broke!!! I was on the pill and it failed!” that an “accidental” pregnancy is more carelessness than anything else.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 12:48 pm

        Exactly! So maddening… Letters like these, I mean.

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    • avatar

      cdobbs September 5, 2012, 1:40 pm

      Not sure why but your judgmental comments really bug me

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 1:51 pm

        Whose? Mark’s? Oh he just has different bullshit tolerance levels. I’d say he’s a bullshit tolerator lightweight 😉 The cheapest of the cheap dates if we were to analogize alcohol tolerance levels to bullshit tolerance levels.

        Right Mark?!

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      • avatar

        cdobbs September 5, 2012, 2:10 pm

        yes bittergaymarks judgmental comments….bother me…not a fan of holier than though people i guess

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      • avatar

        rachel September 5, 2012, 2:18 pm

        I dunno. I hope if I were to ever have little enough respect for myself to date a loser (multiple court dates in a short time don’t scream winner) who didn’t even like me that I would have a friend like Mark to yell some sense into me.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 5, 2012, 2:21 pm

        yeah some of these LWs need both the nice comments and the shake some sense in to you comments.

        i mean yeah he acted pretty shitty, but she didn’t make the best of decisions either. and if she doesn’t think about why she made made them then things will never change. and what good will that do?

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 2:41 pm

        Hanging out with ‘the crazy ex’ is always a red flag. Not the being friendly with the ex part, but helping someone he deemed ‘crazy’ is the main thing I have issues with because it shows that he clearly isn’t being honest to himself, you and her about how it all went down, what role he played in making her ‘crazy’ and what he wants out of the continuous helpful hangouts.

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      • avatar

        painted_lady September 5, 2012, 4:14 pm

        I don’t understand how women can hear a guy refer to “my crazy ex,” and unless the woman did things that were dangerous or violent or genuinely irrational – as in, thought she was Vlad the Impaler – they don’t see that the second that guy gets tired of sleeping with her (or she him) she will also be crazy. How do women not get that?

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 3:00 pm

        I think there’s a difference between “shake some sense into you” and “you f*cking idiot. You’ve clearly made your bed, now lie in it.”

        Shake some sense into you is harsh, to be sure, but its ultimately about helping the individual make better choices and crawl out of the situation they’ve put themselves into.

        Kicking people when they’re down accomplishes nothing.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 5, 2012, 3:15 pm

        to be truthful, i think that some people need to hear it put that way. otherwise they don’t get that they are part of the problem.

        yes there are times when bgm’s comments cross a line, but most of the time he’s just offering a different perspective that forces people to think about the situation in a different way.

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      • avatar

        cdobbs September 5, 2012, 3:22 pm

        its kind of like telling a victim of sexual assault they had it coming for dressing slutty

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh September 5, 2012, 3:29 pm

        um no not like that at all. advising this person to think about why they accepted so little of a relationship is not like that at all. at all.

        she does need to get some self respect and self esteem and learn to expect more from people she dates!

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 3:34 pm

        Um it’s actually nothing like that.

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      • avatar

        pumpkinbread September 5, 2012, 3:39 pm

        um..no it’s not.

        being harsh is not the same as being ignorant and sexist.

        telling an anonymous LW who got pregnant and had an abortion with a guy with a serious amount of red flags she needs to f*cking respect herself to prevent another needlessly painful situation is not the equivalent of saying someone deserved to be physically assaulted. i don’t believe this is the equivalent of she “had it coming.” he’s calling her out for calling some dude her bf who never committed to her and for her to stop worrying about this guy’s behavior and work on why she thought all his actions along the way were acceptable.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 3:46 pm

        Um…I wouldn’t say it’s like that…

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      • avatar

        bethany September 5, 2012, 4:12 pm

        Ummm… Nope- Not AT ALL like that.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant September 5, 2012, 3:37 pm

        I think BGM (and others, but he by far is the most vocal) and I have a radically different world views, and that leads us to make very different judgements about what is effective and approporiate.

        That being said, I’m not trying to shut him up. I often disagree with him, and as I’m argumentative and hard-headed (as I assume he is as well), I’m going to respond when I invariably disagree with him.

        But I do value that he brings in a different perspective then me. Sometimes I’m surprised and agree – if not in message at least in spirit.

        More than anything, I do value that he provides me with some distraction from work. I hope he feels the same.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ September 5, 2012, 5:10 pm

        I engaged in some behavior several years back (cheating on a longterm, at-the-time long-distance boyfriend) when I could have used a friend to seriously question what I was doing and knock some sense into me.

        But if they had gone about it the way BGM does, by calling me an idiot, or a slut, or that my actions made them throw up in their mouth… I doubt very much I would have gotten their message amid all the insults. Tough love only works when there’s actual LOVE behind it.

        But then again, we all know he’s not here to make friends, and not here to help the LWs. I think he just comments to hear himself talk (so to speak) and sometimes to rabble-rouse.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 3:21 pm

        not a fan of holier than though people i guess

        . . . Says the poster who has absolutely no problem regularly laying down nasty commentary on other parties that the LWs write in about. The difference between BGM and you is not as big a gulf as you would like it to be, cdobbs. I don’t know that BGM has ever denied that he was being judgmental, whereas you’re trying to couch it as simple observation of facts from the letter.

        Friendly suggestion: if you don’t like people being judgmental, don’t be judgmental yourself. Otherwise, at least acknowledge the hypocrisy in criticizing others for it.

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      • avatar

        cdobbs September 5, 2012, 3:30 pm

        if i’m guilty of that then i apologize…i guess i just feel bad that people write in for help and then are made to feel like complete idiots…all while they are hurting…i think most of my comments are directed to the people the LWs are complaining about or the situation, but if I have made mean comments to someone who wrote in for help than i am sorry…

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson September 5, 2012, 3:39 pm

        You’re judgmental here about the guy – saying that he’s a low life. Which he is. But how is THAT helping the LW? The LW can only control her own actions so it is much more helpful to point out all the places she went wrong than just bitch and moan about the loser boyfriend. That’s not helpful at all. He was a loser when she met him and he’s a loser now.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 3:39 pm

        i think most of my comments are directed to the people the LWs are complaining about

        . . . which is still being judgmental. It’s not that much better just because someone else wrote in to complain about them first. But on behalf of all of the people who have been mentioned, are mentioned, or will ever be mentioned, I’ll accept your apology 😛

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      • avatar

        cdobbs September 5, 2012, 3:46 pm

        thank you 🙂

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      • KKZ

        KKZ September 5, 2012, 5:20 pm

        They bother me too, cdobbs. You’re not alone. Most of the time I just scroll completely past anything he writes so I don’t have to suffer the blood-pressure spike.

        That said, he does come in handy sometimes… there’s a thought exercise in which you are supposed to extend compassion first to a loved one, then to an enemy, and finally to yourself. I don’t really have many enemies, but BGM has popped up in my mind before as someone to extend compassion to despite how sorely – fervently – passionately I disagree with how he conveys his opinions. And as good as it feels to hate his words, it feels just a tiny bit better to extend compassion.

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 5:41 pm

        FWIW, this sounds holier than thou: “And as good as it feels to hate his words, it feels just a tiny bit better to extend compassion.” Not trying to be mean, just chuckling at the irony.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ September 5, 2012, 6:05 pm

        I can see what you’re saying but I struggle to think of another way to phrase it that won’t come off that way.

        I feel less upset when I consciously choose to extend compassion.
        I feel better than I felt when I latched on to all the ways I disagree with him.
        I use this exercise to push past my urge to react to his comments out of anger.

        I didn’t mean to imply that cdobbs or anyone should be doing this, or would benefit from this – which truly would be holier-than-thou. Nor did I try to put anyone down who agrees with him or defends him. Just relating an anecdote.

        Now here’s the irony I’m chuckling at – the “thought exercise” I described is actually a Buddhist meditation called metta, which is the Sanskrit word for loving-kindness. I decided to go with “thought exercise” so I wouldn’t come off as Buddhistlier-than-thou. Go figure.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 5:33 pm

        Yes, Lili, my bullshit tolerance is perhaps at an all time low as of late… Just the smell of bullshit and I am most like apt to fly off the handle into a bullshitolic rage.

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      • avatar

        Guy Friday September 5, 2012, 6:57 pm

        See, I feel like I have just the medication for you: http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lv7ag0z6nn1r1z2l7o1_500.jpg

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 7:12 pm

        I probably have been on that pill far too long as it is… 😉

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  • avatar

    Rachel September 5, 2012, 11:42 am

    Did he use her? No. He was pretty up front in yapping about the Ex from Day 1. None of his behavior is remotely surprising. You dodged a bullet by having access to and choosing to have an abortion. You ignored All the signs of “He’s only into you for sex and someone to talk about his Ex with.” This is the price you paid.

    Expect more from the next man you choose to sleep with, or be willing to accept the obvious signs the dude puts out. Men are not at all complicated, they tend to tell you exactly what’s up. Pay attention and don’t try to make a screw-buddy into something more than they are.

    Don’t call him again, but don’t forget the two very valuable lessons this guy has to offer: 1. Don’t ignore the many warning signs a man will give. and 2. Use birth control (if you weren’t already, which is totally possible.

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    • avatar

      cporoski September 5, 2012, 2:39 pm

      See, I think this falls in a unique category because he was divulging so much personal information to her. he confided in her. That is why he is a shady a$$hole. I am not saying that there weren’t signs. But I think that after you have sex and someone is telling you about thier past and what scares them and talks to you about how thier lifes has taken so many bad turns, that is messes with you. She needs to stop looking at what he says and start looking at what he does. But I think this kind of male behavior is very shady and is using her.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom September 5, 2012, 11:57 am

    I agree with everyone that you didn’t have a real relationship other than being there for him to provide sex and an ear to listen. The one thing I would add is that I don’t think he ever emotionally dealt with the first abortion so now he is absolutely unable to deal with the second abortion. This man was emotionally unavailable to you the entire time you were seeing him so don’t expect him to be emotionally available now.

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  • avatar

    resullins September 5, 2012, 11:58 am

    I have to agree with pretty much what everyone else has said. You went through a traumatic experience, that you should never have had to go through, especially alone. But you can not expect a guy with the moral compass of a drunken mop to support you.

    You need to have a little self respect and walk away from this guy. Completely and totally. He’s still hooking up with his ex, in case you had not yet figured out that men do NOT go to exes’ houses to help them clean! Sorry to burst that pretty little bubble, but come one, you can’t be that naive.

    Talk to a friend about what happened, or someone professional, or your mom… but you shouldn’t be looking for closure here, as you had nothing to close. He’s a dick, and you need to accept that and remove him from your life.

    Hanging on or pretending that you need something from him is a little pathetic. Just hold your head up, learn from this experience, and find someone better.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 12:01 pm

    LW, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m glad that you were able to access a safe and legal abortion, I’m glad that you told the dude to stay out of your life, and frankly I’m glad that he listened. I hope you can find someone to talk to about all of this – a friend, family member, or therapist – and I also hope that you can find it in you to let go of whatever need for “closure” or “revenge” you think you have. Talking to this guy won’t accomplish anything; nor will revenge, for that matter. Just try and put this all behind you and move on (easier said than done, I know. Time heals all wounds. It’s cliche because it’s true).

    On a side note, I think that if there is any such thing as “fucking with no regard,” it’s what these two did. It sounds like they (he) had little to no regard for each other’s feelings, for one. They also apparently had little to no regard for their own health by not using condoms (I’m assuming), and little to no regard for the very real potential of creating another life with their actions. People get pregnant all willy-nilly these days, with little regard for the consequences.

    LW, I really do feel compassion for you and your situation. I think you did the right thing by ditching this dude and I’m sorry this happened. I hope you can learn from it. I just felt the need to rant.

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    • JK

      JK September 5, 2012, 12:04 pm

      WCMS (you´re on a roll, cats!)

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      • avatar

        ktfran September 5, 2012, 12:08 pm

        Seconded!

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray September 5, 2012, 12:12 pm

        Thirded!

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      • Lili

        Lili September 5, 2012, 12:41 pm

        Fourthed (that sounds Dirty..teehee)

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      • Moneypenny

        Moneypenny September 5, 2012, 12:49 pm

        Fifthed! (sounds silly but I had to chime in…)

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow September 5, 2012, 12:09 pm

        Thanks. 🙂

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 12:34 pm

        Thumbs up all around.

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      • MackenzieLee

        MackenzieLee September 5, 2012, 12:40 pm

        a compliment from BGM?! That’s unheard of! I’m very jealous, cats.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 12:47 pm

        See, it IS possible. Something to strive for, everyone… 😉

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  • avatar

    Trixy Minx September 5, 2012, 12:10 pm

    Good thing you didn’t Heaver a baby with him. Shit would have only gotten worse.

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  • avatar

    MMcG September 5, 2012, 12:24 pm

    Please get help in the form of therapy or counseling for a range of issues, possibly lack of self-esteem, confidence, awareness, common sense, etc. and for assistance in working through your abortion recovery. Also, please speak to your OB/GYN or local planned parenthood provider (wherever you got the abortion) about basic reproductive health and how to avoid STDs.

    And in the future:
    1. Do not fuck someone who has never so much as bought you a drink (preferably taken you out on a real date)… my reading of this is that somehow you exchange numbers, and he booty calls you when convenient, which does not a relationship or FWB situation make. Note: the rule above even allows for random hookups at bars, etc. because at least that person bought you a drink and spent at least 5 minutes being seen in public with you.
    2. Do not fuck someone who only wants to whine to you about his crazy ex and court dates for whatever crimes or bullshit he’s involved in.
    3. Do not fuck someone without condoms (and preferably a double-dip of birth control methods) when you basically have no idea who the fuck they are. Women with great qualities know that men with great qualities have no problem waiting until the relationship is monogamous and each partner has been tested for STDs.

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  • avatar

    *HmC* September 5, 2012, 1:01 pm

    I couldn’t even finish reading this letter I was so angry. Is there something wrong with the way we are raising our girls? And boys?!

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    • avatar

      Lucy September 6, 2012, 3:17 pm

      This is hardly new or unusual behaviour; men and women have been behaving exactly like this forever. Some people just don’t have enough self-regard to avoid dumb relationships with shady characters, and there’s always someone who’s willing to take advantage of them.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 September 5, 2012, 12:08 pm

    If a guy’s ex-girlfriend keeps calling him, and he says it’s because she is crazy, what he is really trying to do is, make you think she is crazy you so he can get a way with still seeing her behind your back. With that said you guys were never official, never did anything together, and you eventually told him to stay out of your life, you should just end it there, and be happy that this loser is doing what you said.

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    • avatar

      *HmC* September 5, 2012, 1:02 pm

      Yes. Calling your ex crazy is the biggest red flag ever. Especially if you still talk to the ex.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark September 5, 2012, 1:06 pm

        Agreed. And nothing is a bigger WALK AWAY sign than somebody who endlessly prattles on and on and on about what a mess/loser/jerk their ex was. Honestly, it just makes THEM look stupid. I always sit their staring dumbly — thinking: “Wow, and it STILL took you three years to figure this out, huh? Sounds to me like it was rather obvious from day two…”

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  • LM

    LM September 5, 2012, 1:48 pm

    LW, I am so sorry that you had to go through an abortion alone. The simple explanation is this: he is most likely with his ex and you didn’t mean what you thought you did to him. He wanted you for sex and nothing more. He may care about you, but probably nothing more than something superficial and not even enough for your well being or that of your former unborn child together.

    Don’t call him and ignore him if he calls or texts you. Better yet, change your number. You have to believe that you deserve more than whatever piddly amount he is barely “giving” you. Call a friend, your parents or siblings, or one of those hotlines if you need an ear to listen and move on from this no good for you lame guy and find a much better one when you are ready.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ September 5, 2012, 1:26 pm

    I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. On your own.

    You got with an emotionally unavailable individual who used you as nothing more than a tissue. Both the kind to wipe his nose and his dick. He used you as a therapist, and a stress-reliever. When you ended up pregnant, you were no longer a stress reliever but a stresser. He was glad you were getting an abortion and felt he had no other obligation to you, and because you were no longer a reliever of stress, he had no more use for you. He attempted a fade out. You, on the other hand, needed some comfort and he just wasn’t able/willing to give it.

    This was a one-sided “relationship”, if you can even call it a relationship. You have been used in so many ways on this one. Walk away and recognize it for what it was. A rebound gone bad. At best.

    You are better than him. You deserve better than him. If you need to talk to someone, contact the clinic and find a therapist.

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  • avatar

    Caris September 5, 2012, 2:40 pm

    Look, I am sorry that you had to go through the abortion alone, and I really hope you find someone that cares to talk about it.

    BUT, it was pretty obvious from the start that this guy never gave a f*** about you. Constantly talked about his ex, never took you on a date, was never there for you but expected you to listen when he had a problem. Next time, if a dude behaves like this, run the opposite direction and don’t look back. And please use protection (condom AND some other kind of bc). You might also want to get tested for STD’s.

    p.s: what kind of person goes to help their ex clean their kitchen? or call/hang out with them when they keep saying the ex was crazy? …. exactly.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl September 5, 2012, 3:27 pm

    Beware of men who claim their exs are crazy but then keep contacting them to ‘help’. Almost always it is a way to get a new woman’s sympathy but still having an excuse to see the ex. Honestly, LW you are better off without him. He was emotional unavailable and sounds like he has a LOT of drama in his life (an ex who he is still close with and a court date-which btw I would love more info on that tidbit). I am sorry you had your heart crushed but hopefully you will find a man that better appreciates you.

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  • avatar

    painted_lady September 5, 2012, 4:59 pm

    Honey. HONEY! You have *got* to get smarter about who you let into your life – and your body. You can’t run around blindfolded, bouncing off walls, then wonder how you got all the bruises. There are certain things that can be “wait and see” with a man, things that you can and sometimes should take a moment to figure out if you can live with that. Dating someone of a different religion, political party, or standard of living are some that you can consider. Poor hygiene? Maybe. Bad dress, sure. But whether or not a man has a criminal past should probably be something you seriously consider before ever agreeing to a date at all. I consider it before even being friends with someone. And a man who calls his ex crazy and then lies to you about hanging out with her? This is something that you cannot afford to ignore. That man is a liar who will lie about other things. Someone who hears you are having an abortion of a pregnancy he had a hand in and says he’s too busy to talk to you about it, let alone take you? Do not ignore that and hope it was all a misunderstanding. This isn’t something you get to ignore. It’s not like he stood you up for coffee, though that’s bad enough to be a dealbreaker, I think. HE TOLD YOU HE WAS TOO BUSY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ABORTION. And then you’re sad when he bails?! Why in the world would you hang out with someone like that as a friend, even? You HAVE to be smarter about this. You have to. This isn’t negotiable. You have to quit ignoring the warning signs when people display to you so openly that they are bad people.

    Also, closure? You don’t want closure. You want him to take it back. You want him to explain to you that he made a horrible mistake. You want to not be humiliated and hurting. This won’t happen, nor should it. Because he is obviously and definitively not a good person to be around. Take your knee-jerk reaction of telling him to stay out of your life as what I think it is: some deeper instinct protecting you when you refuse to protect yourself.

    I’m sorry some people are assholes. I’m sorry this happened to you. Life would be way easier if we could just mind-read, or if everyone were completely honest about their intentions. It isn’t, though, and pretending it is won’t make it so.

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  • avatar

    Foots September 5, 2012, 6:26 pm

    Am I the only one here feeling sorry for the lost baby, the true victim in this saga?

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    • avatar

      Kelly L. September 6, 2012, 8:09 am

      And this is helpful to the letter writer how?

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  • avatar

    Meredith September 5, 2012, 10:20 pm

    Cleaning the kitchen? Is that what they’re calling it now?

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  • Emily

    Emily September 6, 2012, 6:34 pm

    First things first, I respect that you are in a world of pain and still processing a lot. For your own health, safety, and well being, head over to your favorite gynecologist or Planned Parenthood to discuss how you can prevent having another unplanned pregnancy and practice safer sex.

    No where in your letter do you indicate that you two were in a relationship. As other respondents have mentioned when a man talks about his “crazy” ex to you, that is HUGE red flag. It is a signal that he is not over her yet, especially when he lies about going over to help her clean, etc. Lying to you indicates his lack of respect for you. Jake wanted to be rid of his ex, and was really into you, he would have gotten rid of her to make room for you in his life. He also would have started to listen to your problems, clean, etc. for you. Court dates? That also sounds like another big red flag.

    LW I understand that you are really hurting right now but you sound like you need a boost of self-esteem. I’m sorry you were impregnated by a jerk who has no regard for you or your feelings. We cannot make people be decent to us. After a quick Google search I ran across http://www.afterabortion.com/ which is a community that supports women who have had abortions. This site takes a neutral stance on abortion. It is not prolife or prochoice.They even have a chatroom where you can talk to others with similar experiences. I also suggest finding yourself a quality therapist. I hope that you are able to work through this successfully and find the support you need.

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