In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
The plan was that because I had previous sexual relationships with other men due to my promiscuity before I dated him and he was a virgin when we got together, that he would go off and be with other women and then after that he would be over that pain and we would get married. Foolishly, I agreed because I love him so much. Well, six years passed and for a few weeks I had a gut feeling that something was going on with him. He seemed more sneaky and distant than what he normally was. So, yesterday morning I took the liberty to look through his phone, which I knew was wrong but I also knew he was hiding something. I read a couple of cybersex messages that he had been having with a few women in an online game chat room. I blew up and threw him out.
All night I was reluctant to speak to him or to listen to his side of the story because I didn’t want to give in to him until today. We had a conversation laying everything out on the table and I let him know that I’m not okay with him doing what he did and that I feel like I’ve been wasting all these years on him. He’s been putting my life on pause. He’s telling me that he wants to work things out and that after talking to his mother he realizes that it was unfair to have me wait on the sidelines for him. Hearing him say that is a relief for me because I thought I couldn’t tell him how I really felt because then he would leave.
After a long conversation he came up with a plan that we start fresh from the beginning not bringing up each other’s pasts anymore and starting over as a brand new couple. He says that he is now ready for a committed relationship and that as long as we both try to work on our own issues individually then we can come together, take baby steps and make it work. My question is that this is such a unique situation because technically we were not dating and he wasn’t physically cheating but it feels like it is. I’m conflicted on how to move past this infidelity and on how to overcome my trust issues with him as a man. Please help me. — Puzzled and Heartbroken