In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
He’s a great guy, and we are very compatible. Only, somewhere around the three-year mark we started arguing more and communicating less. It got to the point where we were fighting all the time and I felt completely detached from him and thought that he didn’t even love me anymore. At this time, I began having feelings for a mutual friend of ours. I also work with this friend, so slowly but surely my feelings began to deepen for him as we started hanging out and talking more.
As the weeks passed I started to realize how serious this was and decided to keep my distance. What I thought was just a harmless crush was taking me away from my relationship and I thought I was cheating emotionally. But the more I tried to stay away, the deeper my desire to be close to him got, and the guilt was driving me crazy. Still, I thought the feelings would pass…
A few months went by and one night the friend took me aside and told me I was “everything he wanted in a girl” and asked me what I wanted. I burst out crying in the middle of the street. I told him I found myself thinking about him all the time and I wanted to be able to kiss him and hold him…but I loved my boyfriend and would never cheat.
Overnight the whole situation was different for me. I could no longer hide behind the self-denial and about a week later I broke up with my boyfriend. I moved out and pursued a relationship with the other guy.
I knew I couldn’t stay with my boyfriend while feeling in love with someone else. This new guy and I have an amazing time together. He’s completely emotionally available, and I believe he truly loves me. We have an amazing physical chemistry and we get along great.
The problem is that I miss my ex terribly. I wonder if I made a mistake by ending our relationship prematurely. It’s been about a year now, and in this time I have ended things with the new guy on three separate occasions to sort out my feelings, yet I only seem to return to the new guy each time.
My ex is still madly in love with me and would do anything to get me back. He wants to go to couples therapy and work through this with me. He’s apologized for our lack of communication and vows to fix it. I question if I abandoned our relationship too quickly without really trying to give it a fighting chance. However, I dont feel sexual chemistry between us anymore. Actually, I feel no desire to be intimate with him whatsoever, but I love him more than I can even express and I never wanted to hurt him as deeply as I have. He was my best friend, my family. And to be honest, I feel like we complete each other as far as compatibility goes.
The current man is sensitive and romantic. Outgoing and charismatic. More different from me, but exciting and enticing in every way. I don’t know what I would do without him, and our love is passionate.
This has simply gone on for too long with me having these mixed feelings. I want an answer so I can stop feeling the pain from being torn. I have cried for months only to watch myself break the hearts of people I love. I don’t know what to do but I need to figure it out ASAP.
Both men know that I have feelings for the other and both are waiting for me to make a choice. I love them both, and I hate that choosing one means I will have to lose the other. They are both my best friends. Any advice is greatly appreciated. — For Love or Lust
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.