Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “I Don’t Look Like a Porn Star. Am I Wasting My Time?”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I’m 18 and have been with my 22-year-old boyfriend for just about two years now. Unlike a lot of other girls my age I’ve had no problem sticking to my relationship and don’t find the need to go out and party. However, a couple things over the past two years have led me to worry about my relationship. One is my boyfriend’s ex. She lives in another city and is basically everything I’m not. He was with her for a year and after she broke his heart he pined after her for yet another year until meeting me. I found some Facebook messages to her sent a day before he met me say, “I am so in love with you. I miss you. I will work to get you back,” blah blah blah.

The question on my mind is: could he have really moved on from her? He claims he was over her the second he met me, yet he was still in contact with her for the first eight months of our relationship and instead of him being honest about it I had to catch him red-handed and force him to confess. He claimed she needed him for emotional support and that she meant nothing to him. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, as always, I let it slide, but now I wonder if I should have been worried.

Another concern I have is my boyfriend looking at porn. I’ve heard it’s normal but it’s always made me a bit uncomfortable because I know I don’t look like a porn star. At the beginning of our relationship I was average size 8 — not skinny, not fat, just average — but the excessive porn-watching and talking to his ex had started to get to me. He also had a large amount of posters on his wall of Barbie-looking women and I thought to myself, “I could be be that,” so to try to impress him, I lost 50 pounds and now wear a size 0. Yet STILL with the damn porn.

I wonder if he’s sick of me since our sex life has decreased. He says he’s constantly tired and that it’s not me. But it’s a real downer to my self-esteem and I wonder why pictures of me aren’t enough to satisfy him. All the weight loss and tanning and primping I do still doesn’t make him want me. Because we are together so often I don’t think he’s physically cheating with another woman, but I guess I just wonder if these are signs that I’m not enough for him. Am I wasting my time? — Not a Porn Star

105 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Laura Matthews August 15, 2011, 3:13 pm

    I think you’re being a great girlfriend, in that you’re spending so much time and effort trying to meet his needs. So my question is, does he spend the same time and effort meeting your needs? Have you thought about your own needs? It sounds like they’re not being met, at least in the sexual area. What about other areas, such as emotional, intellectual, or just having fun? Do you know that you deserve to have a man who wants to meet these needs of yours as best as he can, even as you’re meeting his? The whole thing should be reciprocal or it’s not balanced.

    Also, to hell with the size 0 unless it really is a healthy weight for you.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      A August 16, 2011, 8:27 am

      I agree whole heartedly Laura and I am slightly confused by the 12 thumb downs.. cant quite work out what on earth people are disagreeing with in your comment!

      Reply Link
      • bagge72

        bagge72 August 16, 2011, 10:07 am

        I didn’t give you any thumbs down, but the part I disagree with is this “I think you’re being a great girlfriend, in that you’re spending so much time and effort trying to meet his needs.” I don’t see any where in her post where it says that he asked her to lose all of that weight, go tanning, and do extra primping (don’t know what that means haha). I think he probably loved her just the way she was, and now that she changed herself to be something she’s not, maybe he isn’t attracted to her as much anymore. Porn is just a fantasy, just away for guys to get off really quick, and not be emotionally attached. I think what she needs to do is just go back to being herself, because that is who he fell in love with, and then she needs to talk him about how she feels, and what they can do for eacher to maybe spice things up in the sack.

        Link
      • bagge72

        bagge72 August 16, 2011, 10:08 am

        That should read each other

        *eacher

        Link
  • avatar

    robottapocalypse August 15, 2011, 3:16 pm

    You may be able to solve your problem by making a porn with him and secretly watching him satisfy himself to it.

    It reads like you have no self-esteem and are trying to define yourself based upon what someone else wants. That’s not going to do anything for you, unless the man you’re with urges you to be smart and successful. I’m guessing with the size 0 / tanning beds this guy is a douche who wants you to get cancer.

    Also, he was trying to have sex with the ex all the while he was still in contact. This dude is a douche, but he’s at about the same maturity level as the LW so this may work out.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Jena August 16, 2011, 1:53 pm

      lol @ someone suggesting making a sex tape calling anyone out for being immature.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary August 15, 2011, 3:27 pm

    I don’t think that your boyfriend should’ve continued communicating with his ex after you started dating, especially if he was hiding it from you. That’s completely shady. Furthermore, what “emotional support” was he getting from her? Isn’t he supposed to get that from you, his girlfriend? If he was telling his ex stuff he wouldn’t tell you or depending on her emotionally then I think he was emotionally cheating on you.

    I think the biggest problem right now is your self-esteem. Your boyfriend CHOSE to be with you. No one made him. Obviously he was physically attracted to you otherwise the two of you would’ve never gotten together. Is he the one that asked you lose weight and change your appearance? If not, I think you did it due to your own insecurity. Watching porn IS totally normal and its just a fantasy. Even if guys get “enough” sex from their significant others, they are still going to watch porn in private! It’s just something you need to learn about men as you grow older. No guy, unless he’s a total jerk, expects his girlfriend to look like a porn star. In fact, most of them prefer that their girlfriends resemble NOTHING like a porn star. You don’t want to take a porn star home to your mom, do you?

    As for your sex life, it’s normal for it to decrease a little over the time of a relationship. If its decreased dramatically then its something to worry about. It’s probably not even because of your physical appearance, but more with the quality of your relationship. It’s even possible that your insecurity is ruining your relationship and that’s being reflected by your sex life. I can’t really tell this from one level but it seems like you need to get happy and secure with YOURSELF before you can feel that way in a relationship.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      justpeachy August 15, 2011, 3:41 pm

      “He claimed she needed him for emotional support”

      Reply Link
  • Public Pearl

    Public Pearl August 15, 2011, 3:30 pm

    He says he’s constantly tired and that it’s not me.

    I’d say one of two things.

    1) It’s not you; it’s him, and he’s a jerk.

    2) It is you, because your self-esteem is so low, and either he’s tired of having to constantly reassure you, or he’s a jerk you’ve decided to settle for.

    Either way, I’d say get out of this relationship and focus on yourself. It doesn’t seem like you (and possibly him) are mentally/emotionally in the right place for this relationship right now.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Guy Friday August 16, 2011, 11:20 am

      If you want to focus on other aspects of the letter as being indicative of it being a broken/damaging relationship, go ahead. But I find it a little odd that you pick THIS as the thing to point out. There seems to be this perception that men are down for sex 24/7, and if they’re not it’s because they don’t want to have sex with the woman offering it. But I’m VERY attracted to my fiancee, and you know what? I’ve had stretches of time where long hours at work or worrying about wedding planning or other such issues combine to legitimately make me too tired to want to do anything sexual with her. It doesn’t matter if you’re 18 or 80; guys need to be in the mood too to want to do things.

      Reply Link
      • Public Pearl

        Public Pearl August 17, 2011, 12:33 pm

        No, this was just me being pithy instead of tldr. I’ve been married 15 years, so I know there’s a cycle and that it’s hard to both be in the same mood at the same time. But whether he’s a jerk or not is beside the point when her low self esteem is clearly the main issue, and she’s not ready to be in a relationship until she deals with that.

        Link
  • avatar

    justpeachy August 15, 2011, 3:38 pm

    Oh. My. God. Honey, please get some space from this guy. You just need to be single. I don’t think you’re ready for all of this.

    While this guy has done a lot of shady stuff, you’re reaction to it is not healthy.

    1) He communicated with his ex and “you caught him red-handed”. Well, did he ever tell you he wasn’t in contact with her? I know you assumed since you had started seeing him that he hadn’t talked to her, but unless you flat out told him it made you uncomfortable, he didn’t really do anything wrong. Sketchy, yes, but nothing technically wrong.

    2) 95% of guys look at porn. It has nothing to do with their relationship status, what their girlfriend looks like, or whether he’s even horny. They do it for a variety of reasons and, again, unless you told him that it makes you uncomfortable, he’ll probably continue to do it REGARDLESS of what your weight is.

    3) You’ve been together for 2+ years, of course your sex life has decreased! I know everyone in their first relationship thinks that it won’t happen to them. They’ll somehow be different and be constantly on fire. Nope. Sorry. You’re normal.

    So, yes, to answer your final question, I do think you’re wasting your time. It sounds like this relationship is unhealthy. It sounds like you don’t know how to communicate well and you’re expressing yourself in very extreme ways. Losing 50 lbs because you needed to lose 50 lbs is one thing, but losing 50 lbs so your boyfriend won’t look at naked ladies as much is an incredible stretch. I think you need space from this guy and time to figure out what you want. What he was doing right and wrong. What you were doing right and wrong. And to finally figure out how to communicate in a healthy way.

    Reply Link
  • Tracey

    Tracey August 15, 2011, 3:43 pm

    To me, the problem here isn’t about the porn or whether or not he was over the ex-girlfriend. The problem here is that he is not being honest with you and you are bending over backwards to please him without him reciprocating. A great deal of this letter is about what you are doing to make him happy – losing the weight, fretting over whether or not he still loves the ex, trying to make yourself into what you think is his ideal based on his porn consumption, worrying about whether you meet his needs. Not once do you mention what he’s doing to make you feel needed, wanted or loved. Moreover, when you bring up a legitimate concern (and his correspondence to the ex where he vows to “work win her back,” professes his love for her, and keeps this secret from you), his reaction (having to “force him to confess,” and his explanation focuses on her need for emotional support – again, nothing about your needs or the needs of the relationship you two share) causes you to “let it slide,” and retreat further into self doubt and insecurity.

    Is that what you really want from a relationship? Someone who makes you feel insecure? Someone who drains your self esteem? Someone who drives you to change your physical appearance drastically – not to improve your health, but to please a partner who is actively withdrawing from you? Someone who has confessed his love for another woman, complete with a vow to win her back, while still involved with you? Then makes you feel guilty when you call him on it?

    Please rethink this relationship. Not because he’s really into porn or because he may be (okay probably is) in love with another woman, but because his behavior toward and lack of concern for your feelings and well being is hurting you. You deserve a man who will treat you with respect. A man who will not pine for another woman behind your back…and make you feel guilty when you call him on it. A man who will not make you feel like you have to starve yourself in order to maintain his attraction to you. A man who will not make you feel rejected, or insecure, or like he’s draining your self-esteem.

    Take it from someone older and has been where you are: You are much too young to feel this alone, or like you have to completely reshape yourself and your self image just to please someone who is supposed to love you for how you are. At this point in your life, you should be focused on learning about yourself – not just how you look, but what you want out of life, what you want to be, what makes you happy. And you cannot do that if you are with someone who not only can’t support your self discovery, but devalues your feelings and is basically using you as a placeholder until he can be with the one he really wants.

    It’s going to hurt, because it sounds like you have genuine feelings for him, but the best thing you can do is make a clean break and begin putting yourself first – emotionally, physically, mentally. Please don’t settle for someone who wouldn’t want this for you. Please don’t throw away such a vital point in your life, with so much more ahead of you, and so many more opportunities for love to come. This guy is not the one for you. Move on and don’t look back.

    Be well, and be strong.

    Reply Link
  • MELH

    MEL August 15, 2011, 3:45 pm

    You definitely do not need to be doing this all for a guy, no matter how much you care about him. Is a size 0 even a healthy weight for you? Did you get there in a healthy way? When I was a size 8, I weighed about 147 pounds. If I lost 50 pounds I would be under 100 pounds, and that just does not seem healthy, and I’m short, only 5’2″. If you are hurting yourself physically or emotionally to make someone happy, that is not a healthy relationship. A guy who wants to be with you will love you no matter what. You’re young, go out, enjoy life, work on your self esteem, and find someone who will be happy with you the way you are, and someone you are happy with instead of stressed out and worried around!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Maracuya August 15, 2011, 3:47 pm

    Step back and look at yourself, you’re comparing yourself to a girl who probably doesn’t even care about you or your boyfriend, you’ve read his facebook messages and you’re trying to alter your image in an attempt to get him to like you more. This overwhelming amount of insecurity is not normal and isn’t going to make you feel good. He should already think you’re beautiful and tell you so. You shouldn’t have to feel you need to conform to a standard of beauty to be happy or loved.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Mainer August 15, 2011, 3:55 pm

    When your boyfriend’s ex “broke his heart,” it should be pretty obvious he was still in to her. Why wouldn’t he be? He never voluntarily checked out of the relationship. So pining after her for a year should be no surprise. I think anyone who has ever dumped a guy (or any guy who has been dumped) can agree that they usually try to get you to come back for at least a little while. Guys like having their emotions and feelings in check, which is why – and this kind of sucks because it’s so cliche – we have a hard time getting over someone when we’re dumped; that is, until the next one comes along. It’s not that the “next one” is just good enough to occupy our mind, or a rebound at that. The next one is someone willing to invest emotional stock in our Dow Jones. We like being liked, so it’s a lot easier for us to like someone who likes us back as oppose to trying to convince the person who no longer likes us that she should, in fact, be liking us. It should likewise be no surprise she needed him for “emotional support” for the first eight months after you two meet. Ladies, come on. You know how this works. She liked being desired and wanted and having power over his emotions. But, when he meets someone new, uh oh. Power is no longer there. Initiate contact to show him that he should still be pining over her. LW, he has been with you two years, trust me he likes you more than her.

    As far as the porn, we kind of covered that in the last His Take. Guys just like naked women. We get our rocks off seeing another girl naked who isn’t our girlfriend. It’s not lusting, we’re not investing any sort of emotion or feelings into it. We just like the boob. I know it’s frustrating because you feel he is watching porn to fill some sort of sexual gap he is feeling, but he’ll do no matter what. Don’t torture yourself (or your body) trying to be his “porn star.” He doesn’t want to date a porn star. But as to the decrease sex drive, who knows. Twenty-two seems a little young to “not be in the mood,” so maybe tell him to stop yanking it to cyber poon so he has a little energy to be a man for his woman. Calling him out on his porn will a) show him you know about it, b) show him you acknowledge and accept it, c) that (b) is contingent on him being able to satisfy something other than his hand. He can have both if he makes time for both, but if he decides he’d rather have a relationship with his credit card and laptop more than you, you’re gonzo.

    Reply Link
    • Budj

      Budjer August 15, 2011, 4:00 pm

      Why pay for it when you can find it for free?!

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Mainer August 15, 2011, 4:02 pm

        FREE porn? On the internet? I don’t buy that.

        Edit: That’s a pun. Just realized.

        Link
      • Budj

        Budjer August 15, 2011, 4:04 pm

        A pun that gets a thumbs up.

        Link
      • avatar

        Mainer August 15, 2011, 4:10 pm

        I am thumbing up your thumb up. Which sounds kind of dirty, but we were talking about porn and I just kind of got in the mood.

        Link
      • Budj

        Budjer August 15, 2011, 4:11 pm

        one more guy and we can have a circle thumb……ew.

        Link
      • avatar

        IcedVentiRedEyeGuy - in Chitown bay-bay! August 15, 2011, 5:32 pm

        Jerk circle!

        Link
  • avatar

    Britannia August 15, 2011, 3:08 pm

    If the question is “Am I wasting my time doing all this stuff I don’t want to do in order to satisfy what I think my boyfriend’s fantasies are”, then yes, you are wasting your time. Be YOU, and if your boyfriend doesn’t like who that is, find someone who does.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    mcminnem August 15, 2011, 4:09 pm

    Oh, honey, you’re making me sad. I’ve got a lot to say, so I’ll try and break it down a bit…

    1: The fact that your boyfriend looks at porn does not mean that there is anything wrong with you, or him, or the porn. Porn is entertainment. My boyfriend has watched porn. I’ve watched porn. We’ve watched porn together. It’s not an indication that either he or I are unsatisfied in any way with our sex life or with each other. It’s just for fun.

    2. PORN IS FANTASY. You know why you don’t look like a porn star? Because NO ONE DOES. Porn does not portray real life. No one looks like that, no one acts like that. They are plastic fantasy women, and no sane person actually wants to date one. Trust me, if your boyfriend is a decent person, he does not want you to look like a porn star. If he has actually expressed to you that he wants you to look that way, then he is a bastard and must be dumped, for the good of the human race. Which leads to:

    3. Never ever ever EVER should you change yourself to be “good enough” for someone. If you are not “good enough” for a person, then they do not deserve you in their lives, and you don’t need them. There’s such a thing as self-improvement, but this isn’t it.

    Also, I’m curious – you say your boyfriend has lost interest in sex recently. I’m wondering if this occurred AFTER you lost those 50 pounds. I’m a size 8, like you were, and I can tell you, if I lost 50 pounds I would be 5’6” and 90 pounds and I would look like a TOASTRACK. Seriously, it would be gross. Did it ever occur to you that your boyfriend started dating you because he liked the way you looked WHEN HE STARTED DATING YOU? He did not ask you out thinking “man, she would be so hot if she lost 50 pounds, I want her to be my girlfriend.” If that’s what he wanted, he would have asked out the toastrack. He asked you out because he liked you. He asked you out because he thought you were hot THE WAY YOU WERE.

    The only thing that I see here that you should be concerned about is the fact that he was in touch with his ex for 8 months after meeting you. It’s not a dumping offence, I think (unless the messages were of a cheating nature) but if it bothered you then it needed to stop. If you confronted him and he was genuinely apologetic and the messages stopped, then no big deal. If it’s still freaking you out, tell him. But if you’re going to let it go, YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO. You cannot let this hang over your head for the rest of your relationship – it isn’t healthy. If you’re not able to put it behind you, you need to leave. If you’re going to stay, you need to tell yourself – and really, REALLY believe it – he’s with you because he wants you. Because he loves you. Because he thinks you are hot, THE WAY YOU ARE. If he wanted his ex, he would still be with his ex. So she’s nothing like you? GOOD. HE’S NOT WITH HER ANYMORE.

    That is all.

    Reply Link
    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't August 15, 2011, 4:19 pm

      Word. I’d look like skeletor/Natalie Portman in Black Swan/an eating disorder patient if I got down to a size zero. Because I would have an eating disorder at that point.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        SpyGlassez August 15, 2011, 7:09 pm

        I won’t deny that it wouldn’t kill me to lose about 30 lbs, but any more than that and my boyfriend would cry about my boobs disappearing. Maybe the BF is afraid he’ll break you because you look so fragile now, LW.

        Link
    • avatar

      plasticepoxy August 15, 2011, 4:34 pm

      toastrack…:)

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      plasticepoxy August 15, 2011, 4:49 pm

      I was so amused by toastrack I forgot to make a real comment:
      I completely agree with your assessment that it’s possible he’s losing interest in sex because he isn’t attracted to her new body type. I would imagine that he could see all the work she put into attaining her new shape and (giving the benefit of the doubt) doesn’t want to make her feel bad. He may even think that is what he’s supposed to want her to look like, and may be confused about why he isn’t attracted to her now. Or he’s a jerk, but I prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      MissDre August 15, 2011, 4:49 pm

      For real! A lot of guys are into girls with curves. Guys like tits and ass. And tits and ass consist of fat. So if you lost 50 pounds, you have no curves!

      I am about a size 12, and I recently told my boyfriend that I wanted to lose ten pounds. He said “Ok, but please don’t lose too much because I love your ass!”

      So, it could be your man isn’t into the skinny skeleton girl look. But no matter what he likes, never diet to please a guy. If you want to watch what you eat and work out to be healthy, do it for you.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        VioletLover August 15, 2011, 7:18 pm

        Is it really necessary to say things like “skinny skeleton girl look”? Couldn’t you have just said “it could be your man isn’t into skinnier girls”? It gets the point across without being insulting to skinny women by adding in the skeleton association.

        I apologize if this came off bitchy, I really don’t mean it to, at all. I just wish that people would be more respectful with their words when it comes to other people’s bodies. I spent years gorging myself sick on food because I was a “skeleton, toast rack, stick, twig, coat rack” and every other nasty thing you can think of to describe someone who is ‘too skinny’. If someone is UNHEALTHILY skinny, don’t beat around the bush, but there’s ways to express concern about that without being insulting.

        Link
      • avatar

        Marie August 16, 2011, 12:04 am

        Yeah seriously.I love how people are like, “well,if you’re not a size 12 you must be a completely skeleton looking”!!

        Is there no such thing as a healthy medium?

        Link
      • avatar

        plasticepoxy August 16, 2011, 11:24 am

        I didn’t take it that way at all. We don’t have to take anything/everything personally. Ms. Dre didn’t say anything about “real women” as opposed to “skeleton girls”. It was a descriptive phrase.
        We’ve all seen women that are too skinny, with their bones practically poking out of their skin. This may not be what the LW looks like, although I think it’s very possible that she does given that she was a size 8, lost 50 pounds and is now a 0. She could have lost the weight in a healthy manner, but I feel doubtful, due to the way she talks about it.
        I wear a 0. My bones poke against my skin. I want to be healthier and am working to gain weight so I can be. But that doesn’t mean Ms. Dre was putting ME (or anyone else) down with her statement. She was advocating a healthy lifestyle, not saying that her size is the only option other than looking like a skeleton. Makes me want to say, “Geez!”.

        Link
      • avatar

        VioletLover August 18, 2011, 5:02 pm

        Skeleton is never, ever a polite term to refer to people with. Doing so IS insulting, even if you don’t personally feel that way. Sure, it was just a ‘descriptive phrase’. It was a rude and unnecessary one. You can advocate a healthy lifestyle without being rude about it.

        “Geez, what’s with people acting like just because THEY’RE not offended by something, it must not be offensive?” 🙂

        Link
      • avatar

        6napkinburger August 29, 2011, 4:33 pm

        Though, someone who goes from a healthy size 8 to an unhealthy size 0 (if that’s what happened) CAN look unhealthy (because they are). She might be less attractive than she was, especially to people who knew her before. I know more than 1 person who had a beautiful face, on the round side, and a little extra weight. When they dropped the weight, they were markedly less pretty, because their faces were “meant” to be rounder. That doesn’t mean I’m saying skinny girls aren’t as pretty as not skinny girls, just THOSE girls.

        I also knew girls who honest to goodness looked like skeletons because nature had not intended them to be their current weight. It was tragic and not a little bit gross. And to describe them that way (to others, not to them) was descriptive, not insulting. (And yes, people talk about other people, as pretty or not so, as skinny or not so, as smart or not, etc. that’s just a fact of life ). To say that the LW might have gone from a hot 8 to a gross 0 doesn’t insult all other 0’s. I’m very sorry that people called you those things and that they hurt your feelings. That is mean and unnecessary (because insulting people to their faces is almost always unnecessary). But just as some heavier women “have curves” and some heavier women “look fat”. (I would know, I am the latter), some lighter women “are slender” and some “look sick.” Whether to be one or the other is a matter of opinion and one is nice and one is mean, they don’t necessarily encompass the alternative.

        Link
    • Budj

      Budjer August 15, 2011, 4:29 pm

      Yea…I didn’t think about that perspective. IF she did this on her own, thinking it was what he wanted, then maybe he isn’t AS much of a douche as I originally thought….and that could also explain the lost sex interest if cheating is unlikely due to that amount of time spent together.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland August 15, 2011, 6:25 pm

      Okay, so I am totally not trying to be a bitch/rain on anyone’s Go-Curvy-Girls parade, because I think curvy girls are awesome. Sometimes I wish I had a Beyonce booty. However it is NOT fair to say that someone who lost 50 pounds, or wears a size zero will look like Skeletor/have an eating disorder and it can be just as hurtful as comments about people’s weight on the other end.

      AT 5’10” and 110 pounds, and a size zero I would still say I look healthy. Skinny….but healthy. Although I am not saying the commenter is at her healthiest weight in this situation, or that she should want to be. This is just a teensy-tiny-rant from a girl who got nicknamed Ana (aka anorexia) in middle school.

      But toast-rack is just humorous enough/original enough for me to be entertained. 🙂

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        mcminnem August 15, 2011, 7:04 pm

        There is a difference, though, between having a body/metabolism that naturally maintains that weight and naturally being a size 8 (average!) and forcing your body down to that size. A body needs a certain amount of fat on it to function properly.

        And I don’t mean to be negative, but what does your doctor think of your size? I only ask because 110 pounds at 5’10” would give you a BMI (body mass index) of about 15.5 – healthy range (and I mean medically healthy, not ‘average weight’ or ‘media ideal’) is from 18.5 to 25. Being below the recommended range absolutely does not mean you have an eating disorder, though you may be deficient in some minerals or have an issue with the way your body absorbs nutrients if you have a hard time keeping muscle mass/weight on. I’m just curious to know if you’ve ever had issues like that or whether you’ve looked into it. 🙂

        Link
      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland August 15, 2011, 9:05 pm

        Luckily, my doctor knows my family and so he knows it totally runs in my family. And I know my BMI, my gym teacher decided to announce it to the whole gym class and how it is UNDER the healthy weight and suggest I see a doctor. My mom is the same height as me, and she only weighed about 5-10 pounds more than me when she got married, and my sister and brother are both built basically exactly like me.

        I haven’t really gone through any sort of intense testing, although they thought I might be anemic (but I wasn’t). Basically because I eat plenty of calories (plenty of crap as well as healthy stuff), exercise occasionally (I was a track/cross country athlete which I thought might be the reason, but I have kept my same weight through college… just distributed differently) and really don’t get sick. I mean it’s possible I have hyperthyroidism and just don’t notice but I guess I have just felt that if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. 🙂 Thanks for asking though.

        Link
      • avatar

        mcminnem August 15, 2011, 9:23 pm

        Glad to hear you’re aware and healthy 🙂 So many people are totally obsessed with their weight in terms of a number of pounds, and don’t realize what the numbers mean for the rest of their body.

        Also, that gym teacher? Totally not okay. No matter what the concerns might be, bringing it up in front of the classroom is never okay. (I used to have the same issue with special ed classes – I was identified as gifted, but to a room full of 12 year olds, special ed is special ed.) I feel you.

        Link
      • avatar

        Kim August 15, 2011, 7:06 pm

        I have some friends that are naturally very skinny and their healthy weight is a size 0 or 2. Everybody’s body is different, and that’s fine. The concern is more that at age 16-18 and a size 8, it probably was not healthy for this girl to lose 50 pounds. Her reasons for losing weight weren’t things like doctor’s recommendation, actually being overweight, or wanting to get back in shape or eat healthy for her. She was “not fat” at a size 8, and to lose 50 pounds from a healthy weight is probably not a good sign. When that is combined with some obvious self-esteem issues, it gets into eating disorder territory. I don’t think anyone was trying to state that being a size 0 means you aren’t healthy (although it was implied), I think they were trying to stress that this wasn’t healthy for her (both the amount of weight and the reasons for the weight loss).

        Link
      • avatar

        SpyGlassez August 15, 2011, 7:13 pm

        My sister was a size 0 for years – she’s now maybe a size 2. She’s about 5’6, and she ran cross-country. So all of her was lean runner’s build. She didn’t look like a skeleton. I have never been smaller than a size 8-10, and I’m 3 inches shorter than my baby sister. However, if the BF was used to the LW being a size 8 with a few curves, and she’s now a lean muscle machine, he might not be so attracted. It doesn’t mean she isn’t healthy – she may be a lot healthier than she was before – but it may just not be his turn-on now.

        Link
      • avatar

        VioletLover August 15, 2011, 7:22 pm

        THANK YOU.
        Personally, I think curvy, hour-glass figures are the hottest. I even like ladies with some tummy pudge or love handles. Curves=delicious.

        But speaking as someone who is 21 years old,5’6″ and only recently (in the last year, thanks to medicine) got to be a healthy 120lbs, there is a LOT of hate towards skinny chicks. If it weren’t for my dad and my boyfriend, I’d probably still be eating myself sick, trying to take in at least 4,000 calories a day, JUST to gain weight. I spent every year from late elementary to freshman in college hiding my body. I didn’t own a bikini till this year because I thought I looked disgusting because I was too skinny.

        Just like it’s not okay to call someone Tubbo, Lardass, Land Whale, or anything else cruel, it’s not alright to use rude, insulting terms to describe someone who is thin.

        Link
      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland August 15, 2011, 9:16 pm

        I am going to go ahead and love your comment right back. And I know I am totally hijacking this thread off-topic from the LW because it really has nothing to do with it…. But I am feelin’ a scrawny-girl-bonding moment so I am going to act on it. PS, I am also 21! Fluctuating between 107-115 depending on the moment and how much exercising I am doing.

        Also I want to say I totally feel your pain on the swimsuit issue, except I didn’t fit in 1 pieces because my torso was too long. 🙁 So I mostly just went for well-covered 2 pieces WITH AS MUCH PADDING AS POSSIBLE up top. Which is kind of lame and not that fun to actually swim in.

        I’m just always amazed at how easy it is to comment on/tease about my weight in ways most people would never do to the face of a bigger woman. Yes, I know I’m skinny. Yes, it’s even more awkward because I am super tall and flat chested. Yes, I do look like a refugee… thanks. 🙂 I would be curious to ask about what medication you are on, if you want to share. If you don’t that’s cool too!

        Link
      • avatar

        Maracuya August 15, 2011, 9:27 pm

        I’m also feel too-skinny at times (108-115.) And I feel bad exercising too much because when I do, my ribs start showing and I lose weight. And ribs just don’t look that good in a bikini. I never tried to eat a lot because nothing really worked. In high school and even still sometimes, I felt insecure because I wasn’t ‘curvy’ and felt so unfeminine because I was totally flat-chested. Although the pill made me a fuller A up top so that helped 😛 But nowadays I’ve gotten in a groove. When I was exercising every day, the muscle gain probably added 5 lbs to my weight.

        So, just chiming in to agree with all you girls. People feel way more entitled to comment on what a twig or a stick I am than they would to other people about losing weight.

        Link
      • avatar

        VioletLover August 18, 2011, 5:08 pm

        Same here with the one piece problem! I always searched out those ‘tankini’ things, the ones that would go down to at least my belly button, and then Id buy male swim trunks to hide as much of my legs as I could. Totally. Sucked.

        I’m taking Depo-Provera as both birth control and treatment for my (really severe) endometriosis, Neurontin for the damaged nerves in my spine (I have some badly ruptured discs that put pressure on the sciatic nerve and compressed it). Both of them have “weight gain” as possible side effects.

        Apparently, when I was a baby, I was born with a thyroid problem. Unfortunately, my parents are awful at keeping track of medical problems, and -don’t remember what it was-. So I’m going to talk to my new general practioner about the weight problem (had to ditch the old one because he told me my endo was just “normal cramps” and I should stop exaggerating and take some Midol) and see if she thinks a thyroid condition could be part of the reason I’ve always been too skinny.

        Link
      • avatar

        Britannia August 15, 2011, 6:49 pm

        We’ve gone over this discussion SO many times about how size-ism can go both ways, but the “Real Women Have Curves” campaign just keeps on truckin’. I didn’t even bother mentioning it because really, it’s a futile argument at this point.

        Oh, and just for the record, everyone thought it was funny to call me “Cake” in high school (I also am a perpetually skinny girl). “Ana” is even less funny, I’m sorry you had to go through that 🙁

        Link
      • avatar

        Pinky August 17, 2011, 11:24 am

        I think the negativity expressed towards skinny girls is partially out of jealousy. I’m a slightly plush, but healthy build. I’m sturdy and big-boned. I have never been nor will I ever be skinny. I’ve had bones stick out and I was still not skinny enough. I’ve restricted calories and cut out all fat from my diet and exercised until I dropped. According to the weight chart, I was fine, but I was still not skinny enough.

        I can live with myself the way I am. Others can’t.

        In Salon yesterday, this article appeared:

        Link
      • avatar

        VioletLover August 18, 2011, 5:15 pm

        I feel so awful for people who suffer from eating disorders. It’s a horrible experience that no one should EVER have to go through.

        I talked to my therapist (who I have for anxiety problems) and she says it sounds like I was teetering on the edge of having an eating disorder…just approaching it from the other side, as it were. It’s why I wish people would take more care with their words when it comes to talking about people’s bodies. Instead of using insulting terms to refer to people because of how thick or thin they are, we need to be focusing on the health aspects of weight and body image.

        If you’re concerned that a friend is headed towards obesity, there are ways to express that concern without being insulting. You don’t say “Hey, fat-ass,you’re gettin’ large. Go run on the treadmill.”Same goes with people who you worry might be anorexic or bulimic. Saying things like “You look like a skeleton” or “Go eat a cheeseburger, twiggy!” aren’t helpful or kind.

        Link
  • Budj

    Budjer August 15, 2011, 3:15 pm

    I would say that I don’t find 90% of porn actresses completely attractive (if that makes you feel any better…). There are features that you watch a video for and get the job done…so stop trying to look like a porn star and don’t worry about comparing yourself to your boyfriends masterbation fantasies…however…if he is using that tool at the expense of your sex life he has an issue and you should talk to him about it.

    The thing that worries me more than the porn is that he was so obssessed with his ex before getting involved with you. He probably wasn’t in a very dependable and stable place when he met you and that makes me worry about the foundation of your relationship. I worry that he is with you for fear of being alone and you deserve better than that.

    Lastly don’t ever let what you think others expectations are drive your physical appearance. You owe it to yourself to be happy, healthy, and to develop YOUR sense of style. The right guy will like you for you and you should absolutely NOT try to fit an image you think someone else wants.

    With all these things in mind I would suggest being single for a while and finding yourself as you seem to be unhealthily trying to fit the cookie cutter of some guy right now which I fear will cause you to go down a long road of trying to be something you are not. Confident men like a woman that knows what she is and wants and they also find changing yourself at his whims unattractive.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MissDre August 15, 2011, 3:37 pm

      I agree. I tried to be the perfect girlfriend for my first boyfriend. I tried to cook the way he wanted, tried to dress the way he wanted, everything you could think of. I was so worried all the time about what he thought of me. Was I sexy enough? What I cool enough? He told me once, “I wish you wouldn’t be so obsessed with me” and I was so hurt because I did not understand what he was saying.

      Girl, you need to BE WHO YOU ARE and do it FOR YOU. Not for a guy. Men fall in love with women who are comfortable with themselves, who are confident and who have their own lives. Take some time to work on your self esteem and find yourself. Please!! Dieting for a guy is not healthy! Especially when you are not fat!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Christy August 15, 2011, 6:23 pm

      So true! You shouldn’t lose 50lbs or primp for hours for other people–it has to be for yourself!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Bethany August 15, 2011, 4:21 pm

    One thing that the LW needs to be reminded of (and a lot of us commenters, too, probably) is that our significant others fell in love with us or realized they liked us how we were at that time. He didn’t fall in love with the 50lb lighter, super tan girl. He liked you for YOU. Why would you go and change that??

    For what it’s worth, I think this guy sounds like a douche and you need to MOA, but please remember in the future that people like you for who you are right now, not who you might become.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      mcminnem August 15, 2011, 4:29 pm

      It can be super hard to remember – but we also deserve to have partners who help remind us. It takes a lot of repetition for it to really sink in that sir actually loves the little fat pockets under your butt that you hate so much.

      …at least it did for me.

      Reply Link
  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster August 15, 2011, 3:29 pm

    What jumps out at me from your letter right off the bat is that you believe your boyfriend’s behavior is a reflection of your worth. You lost weight to please him, compare yourself to his ex, and think him ogling other naked bodies means he’s not attracted to you. I don’t think this is your average case of porn being a deal-breaker; I think it’s more clearly being a case of you basing your worth off of what your boyfriend thinks and does.

    I hated hearing this at your age, but here it is: you’re young. What that statement really means is this: you have so much to offer, so much growing to do, and such boundless potential to love and be loved; honor your needs and don’t ever change who you are to fit someone else’s idea of who you should be.

    I wouldn’t say you’re wasting your time, but I would say you’ve spent enough time in this relationship and it’s time to move on. You do not deserve a dwindling sex life (at 18 for crying out loud!), doubt in your partner’s commitment, and poor self image. Before you leave him, though, I suggest you have a support system in place, and a way to occupy your time. That first big break is rough. Surround yourself with positive people who support you, take up a hobby, focus on school or work (or both!), and on making yourself happy. Life is too short to waste wondering if you’re good enough, because honey, you really are. And then some.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MissDre August 15, 2011, 4:36 pm

      LW please read this advice right here! This really says it all! Well said, TaraMonster!

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Quakergirl August 15, 2011, 8:33 pm

      So well-said.

      Reply Link
    • Amybelle

      Amybelle August 15, 2011, 10:10 pm

      this.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    LTC039 August 15, 2011, 3:30 pm

    Your boyfriend doesn’t watch porn because he’s not attracted to you. He watches porn because he is a boy. Boys watch porn. At first, I wasn’t ok with it either, but really, if the guy is of healthy mind (some people get obsessively addicted), it has nothing to do with you. I suggest you try watching it with him, it really opens up a new side of your relationship & brings the intimacy up a notch. That’s what I did.
    Now onto the other part, the ex-girlfriend thing is weird. I’m not sure why you were checking up on messages all the way back to before he met you, but you did & that’s that. I think you are still very young & haven’t experienced enough to deal with these kind of things. I am not saying that you aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship, just certain aspects are new & that’s ok. You’re only 18 & you have your whole life ahead of you.
    I’m pretty concerned about how much of your letter is you trying to be “just what he wants”. That could lead to very unhealthy dynamics in this relationship. You should never change for a guy. I’m not saying that losing weight is bad, it’s great & I applaud you, BUT as long as you did it because YOU wanted to & not because of him. You need to stand up for yourself & if he’s not meeting you half way, have the courage to walk out. Why would you waste your time putting yourself through rigorous makeovers, & get nothing in return?
    Don’t take the signs lightly and make sure you aren’t settling and you are truly happy.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Blondie August 15, 2011, 4:33 pm

    The weight loss really stands out to me in this letter (perhaps because I can relate…) I have two takes on it
    1. He pressured LW to lose weight- My grandma was the one who did this to me- I went from 140 to 110 (I am 5’8″) NOT GOOD
    2. He loved you the way you were. When I lost the weight my sex drive went to 0. Guess what happened? My boyfriend and I had far less sex. I wasnt interested bc I wasn’t interested in anything that took energy- I simply didn’t have any. He wasn’t interested bc He liked my boobies. And then there were none 🙁 He wasn’t attracted to me sexually at that point.

    Either way, I think LW needs a healthy dose of who she really is, and possibly to see a counselor, therapist, etc. Thats what I needed…

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      VioletLover August 15, 2011, 7:27 pm

      Wait, where did it say that the guy pressured her to lose weight? All I read is that she saw the posters in her room and decided that if she looked like that, maybe her dude would stop watching porn (which is a bit naive of her).

      Reply Link
      • katie

        katie August 16, 2011, 9:39 pm

        i think the LW took it (his porn watching and posters) as he wanted her to lose the weight, because he would only like girls that looks like that. it doesn’t mean that he actually did it, but it still came from an outside source in the LW’s head- even though that source was purely fictional.

        Link
  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't August 15, 2011, 4:33 pm

    Oh honey….

    Let’s address the 50lb weight loss issue. That’s a lot of weight to lose. Losing that much weight quickly can be really unhealthy. Did you even *need* to lose 50lbs? A size 8 is not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, and size 0 is a terribly unhealthy size for a lot of people. (Now. Before I get a bunch of people drinking the “everyone is soooooo fat” haterade: lots of people are totally healthy 0’s and 00’s. Mostly girls under the age of 17, although some are older. Many more people aren’t meant to be that size, ever, and can’t reach it without drastic and unhealthy measures.) Here’s something for you to ponder, LW: is your boyfriend losing interest in you because you’ve become utterly obsessed with your size and body? Are you fanatical about exercising, regimented in your diet and eating habits and constantly seeking reassurance that he “doesn’t think you’re fat”? Could that obsession be turning him off? Having a super hot body (and I’m not saying that a size 0= hot body, because some super skinny people look skeletal and weird) is kind of dumb if you have no friends and no social life because all you think about and do is maintain your figure.

    Next, let’s address the much much bigger issue here. Which is that YOU ARE BENDING OVER BACKWARDS FOR THIS GUY!! Seriously, what is he doing to keep *you* interested in *him*?? Does he treat you well, compliment you, make you feel sexy, encourage you to pursue your goals, make you feel safe? Or is he just kind of indifferent? You are too young to settle for this LW. You need to have a big, long think about why you think that this boyfriend is the best you’ll ever do in life, why you are so stressed out over your physical appearance and not your intelligence, wit, spirit or talents and why you want to stay in this relationship. Please.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    brend August 15, 2011, 4:35 pm

    I wonder if all the guys posting that porn is totally normally and girls just need to get over it and support their boyfriends pornography masturbation habits would take it in stride if they walked in on their girlfriends wrist-deep in themselves while watching an all-male gay gangbang on the computer.

    Doubt it. Ironically a lot women who support this view call themselves feminists. Guess supporting a double standard is better than confronting an ugly truth and/or being single!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      SpyGlassez August 15, 2011, 7:16 pm

      I don’t know why a gay gangbang would or should turn me on.

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 15, 2011, 8:02 pm

        You know what? I’m gay and I have walked in on former boyfriends watching all male gangbang! And this is far more “threatening” because in theory, all the guys on screen are gay and “might” actually sleep with my boyfriend. Or might actually want to… It’s doubtful that many of the players in porno in your scenario would want to sleep with a women, so I fail to see why any straight guy would even blink at your scenario… But back to me, and walking in to discover Mr Hot Former Frat Guy watching a flick where four out of the five guys were hotter than me. Wayyyyyyyyy hotter. And I am not hideous, mind you, but many of the guys in gay porn are like movie star gorgeous. You know what?

        I didn’t run from the room screaming!
        I didn’t ask why I wasn’t enough?
        I didn’t accuse him of secretly hating gay men and wanting to degrade us.

        Instead, I sat beside him and was like, okay… Who do you think I think is the hottest?

        If you can’t handle a lit bit of porn in your life, then frankly, you deserve to be bitter, alone, and very much single.

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 15, 2011, 8:11 pm

        To clarify — I use former boyfriend’s simply to mean that we are no longer dating. We broke up over other issues… Presently, Bittergaymark is single. 🙂

        Link
      • avatar

        Anna August 15, 2011, 10:24 pm

        Ah, if only women were as enlightened as gay men! My boyfriend will turn on porn when I’m there because he knows I’m cool with it and it tends to “inspire” both of us. If you feel threatened in your relationship by porn stars, the porn isn’t the problem: your relationship is not as strong as it needs to be. Hell, I’m a size 14 but I don’t care if he watches little toothpick girls get it on. As long as he’s not actually sleeping with any of them, I’m good!

        Link
      • avatar

        Painted_lady August 15, 2011, 11:55 pm

        I liken it to the type of movies people like to watch. Painted_dude likes martial arts movies, like, a lot. That doesn’t mean he’s a martial artist. That doesn’t even mean he would like to be. Painted_dude watches porn. That doesn’t mean he secretly wants to bang those women more than he wants to bang me. I like fantasy movies. I like porn. I neither want to be a witch nor do I want to actually do the guys in the porn I watch. In fact, the only reason Painted_dude and I have never watched porn together is due to the fact that in the one weekend a month on average we get to spend together it seems sort of…superfluous. We’re sort of figuring it can wait till we’re not long distance and have all the time in the world to play around a bit.

        Link
    • avatar

      Mainer August 15, 2011, 8:21 pm

      I’d be more concerned she was “wrist-deep.” I mean, you can’t even get off properly and it would likely lead to desensitization down the road. As a responsible boyfriend, I’d correct her technique for the betterment of our sex life.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        robottapocalypse August 16, 2011, 12:02 am

        I mean seriously, how does brend masturbate???

        I’ve busted my girlfriend stabbing the clam to porn, and I do what any smart man would do. I take advantage of the situation. I don’t go into another room and cry while I wonder if my butt is too big or my dong is too small, and then email an online advice column about it. I think most guys would do their damndest to get naked and take advantage of that situation.

        I must admit, I would be weirded out by her watching bukake, rape or tentacle porn though.

        Link
    • avatar

      Caris August 16, 2011, 11:50 am

      1) I don’t really like that my bf watches porn, but I don’t cry about it.

      2) I don’t watch porn. BUT if I had to choose I’d rather watch lesbian porn than “all-male gay gangbang”

      3) If I watched porn, and my bf caught me, he’d probably join me or take advantage of the situation

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Natasia Rose August 15, 2011, 3:36 pm

    The first thing about this letter that popped out at me is that you were 16 and your boyfriend was 20 when you two first started dating. Eek! You are too young to be this stressed out and tied down.

    As you age, you will realize that no matter how “hot” you are, your boyfriend will probably watch porn. Not because he likes those girls better than you, but because that’s what a lot of men (and women) like to do. So don’t change yourself unless you want to. Be the size/weight/skin tone you want to be. This guy is a first boyfriend, he’s not lifetime material. MOA.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    ReginaRey August 15, 2011, 3:39 pm

    I totally agree with some of the comments above. You realize that you are making a huge effort to change so many things about your appearance and your behavior and your attitude, all for someone who clearly doesn’t care about any of those changes?

    You don’t get someone to love you by changing things about yourself. They love you by and large for who you are. Your boyfriend was completely wrong to stay in contact with his ex for the first 8 months of his relationship, and don’t for a second buy the lie that it “meant nothing to him.” If he was pining away for her 24 hours before he met you, what makes you think that changed literally overnight?

    This guy is, at best, tolerating your presence in his life. You clearly don’t interest him that much, and that should freaking PISS YOU OFF, not make you want to change even more about yourself to suit his needs. You are young. I think you have yet to experience a healthy relationship. One where you don’t change anything about yourself to please another person, one where he loves you for you, one where he isn’t always fixated on other women in some capacity, and one where your significant other respects you and doesn’t make your self-esteem WORSE.

    Also – I hope I’m not alone in being slightly sketched out that this guy, at 20 years old, pursued a 16-year-old. At best, it speaks very accurately to his maturity level. At worst, it’s a bit creepy and predatory. Either way – this is the wrong relationship for you, LW.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      ReginaRey August 15, 2011, 3:45 pm

      One more comment – the fact that you lost 50 pounds seemingly for HIM, not for yourself, is very worrisome. 50 pounds is an incredible feat for any person to achieve. The fact that you were willing to put yourself through a very rigorous physical and mental battle, all to please your boyfriend, makes me very concerned for your self-worth. What other extremes, likely very unhealthy, might you go to in order to appease this guy, LW? Why are you so willing to put yourself through extreme life changes for someone who clearly wouldn’t do the same for you? I think you could benefit from speaking to a professional about the root of this extreme desire to please and to keep someone around who isn’t good for you.

      Reply Link
    • Budj

      Budjer August 15, 2011, 3:45 pm

      I noticed the age difference after I posted or I would have commented on it too. It is sketchy. At 20, I thought 16 year old girls were off limits.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        dobby August 15, 2011, 3:53 pm

        Legally it depends on what state they live in. Morally, well…

        Link
      • avatar

        Marie August 16, 2011, 12:01 am

        If nothing else,I’d say the fact that he was interested in her when she was 16 and he was 20 is a major red flag…

        Link
      • avatar

        ReginaRey August 15, 2011, 3:48 pm

        I’m not up to date on my statutory rape laws, but this seems to be on the fence in my mind. But hey, I guess if a 16-year-old can marry a 51-year-old creepy ass actor, this isn’t all that weird.

        Link
      • Budj

        Budjer August 15, 2011, 3:49 pm

        Depends on the state I think…so potentially!

        Link
    • avatar

      Addie Pray August 15, 2011, 5:01 pm

      ReginaRey, I always love reading your comments. Let’s make a rule that you always have to comment, at least for the Your Turns. Ok? Ok.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        ReginaRey August 15, 2011, 9:36 pm

        Aw, thanks Addie! I must admit I don’t comment as regularly as I once did on DW! I actually started to have to do “work” during work. So ridiculous. 🙂

        Link
  • landygirl

    Landygirl August 15, 2011, 4:57 pm

    You’re 18, there are better things to be worried about than if you meet some unspoken criteria that you think you’re boyfriend requires. The first thing you should do is get counseling so that you can learn some self respect. Secondly, you should start living your life for you and not for your boyfriend. 3rdly, quit comparing yourself to the ex, you’re the only one that will suffer for it. You have a whole world ahead of you, don’t waste it trying to box yourself into being something that you aren’t. If someone doesn’t love you for who you are, then you don’t need them.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    AKchic August 15, 2011, 4:59 pm

    This must be your first real relationship. I see some things I don’t like (from the both of you) based on your letter:

    1) He had to communicate secretly with the ex for the first 8 months of your relationship and when caught, said that she needed him for emotional support, even though you say that you saw a message from him the day before you two met that said that he would do anything to win her back. I think that he was communicating with her because HE needed the support. Which, honestly, was wrong of him. Warning sign/red flag 1.

    2) You were a size 8 when you got together. Your low self-esteem in regards to the relationship and his ex fixation and his porn watching made you so self-conscious that you lost enough weight to become a size 0. If I’m doing my math at all right – that’s at least 30lbs for a normal person of “average” height. Can your body actually HANDLE that kind of weight loss?

    3) After 2 years, yeah – sex will decrease. People aren’t “in lust” anymore, they should be “in love”, which is different. They don’t need sex to validate their commitment to each other. Of course – cleaning the rifle barrel a few times a day really does hamper one’s ability to be ready for a girl. So does depression and anxiety.
    Maybe your constant need for reassurances and willingness to act the Geisha for him has turned him off to you and he is worried that breaking up will hurt your mental wellbeing?

    You need to be your own person. If you can’t be comfortable in your own skin and be happy with yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be happy with you? Love yourself first.
    If you can’t trust this guy, why be with him?

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Katie August 15, 2011, 5:24 pm

      agreed!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    SGMcG August 15, 2011, 5:15 pm

    Do you know how porn stars get the bodies that they do? Yes they whittle themselves down to that size 0, but then they get all sorts of medical procedures done to make their bodies porn-job work perfect: the boob jobs into the C or D range, plumping the lips for something kissable, anal bleachings and labia dying for the perfect money shots, etc. and so forth. Get a picture of an early porn by Jenna Jameson and compare it with a more up-to-date porn by her – she was much cuter before she got all that surgery done. A porn is only a fantasy – even the amateaur gonzo stuff requires some manipulation of facts and sets to be produced.

    The most important thing is that you are happy with how you are in your body – and it sounds like even though you dropped to a size 0 (and I would personally be estatic to be an 8 again) you would still be unhappy because of the way your boyfriend is treating you. Have you let him know how unhappy you are, or did you just assume that if you did the changes yourself he’ll snap into this ideal you want? FYI – If at 20, he’s looking for 16 year olds to date, he probably knows that he’s not much of a catch to begin with. I think you know that you are better than that, and better than him, so if you want to MOA, you should do so.

    Reply Link
    • landygirl

      Landygirl August 15, 2011, 5:36 pm

      Labia dying and anal bleaching? Wow, you learn something new everyday!

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    MiMi August 15, 2011, 5:15 pm

    Absolutely move on, LW, move on to being single for now.
    The most important thing to understand, accept, and embrace is that you cannot earn love through your behavior or your appearance. It is impossible to buy caring, respect, fun, admiration, and all the things that are a part of love, by wearing a dress, inflating your breasts, or tying yourself into knots.
    You’ve starved yourself into a twig, you anxiously monitor your boyfriend’s past and present behavior, and mentally compare yourself to re-touched photos of porn stars – for what!?
    Are you happier now than you were 2 years ago? Are you more confident? Are you looking forward to a promising future in this relationship? Is this the love of the ages? I’m sorry, but I highly doubt the honest answer to any of those questions is Yes.
    Do yourself a favor and refocus your attention on yourself for now. No outside validation can mend the cracked vessel you’ve become – only you have the power to reclaim your self-respect, your confidence, and sense of worthiness. Start getting back in touch by checking in with yourself – after every interaction if necessary: How do I feel? Is this what I want? Is this helping me? Am I receiving the [care, respect, love] I deserve? Be honest with yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Best wishes!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sarah August 15, 2011, 5:41 pm

    I’m gonna go ahead a mad libs your perspective the way I see it from you.

    “…..I found some Facebook messages (went through his facebook because I was afraid of talking to him about his ex) to her sent a day before he met me say, “I am so in love with you. I miss you. I will work to get you back,” blah blah blah…….

    …..Giving him the benefit of the doubt (I’m afraid to talk to him long enough to feel satisfied with his answers), as always (I do it a lot), I let it slide, but now I wonder (wonder because I’m afraid to talk to him) if I should have been worried…….

    ……..He also had a large amount of posters on his wall of Barbie-looking women and I thought to myself (have to think to myself about this because I’m afraid of talking to him about it), “I could be be that,” so to try to impress him (Because impressing him will eliminate the need for talking), I lost 50 pounds and now wear a size 0……….

    ……I wonder (again, wondering is safer than talking) if he’s sick of me since our sex life has decreased. He says he’s constantly tired and that it’s not me. But it’s a real downer to my self-esteem and I wonder(was afraid to express my real fears again and just touched on the subject so..back to wondering) why pictures of me aren’t enough to satisfy him (I don’t want to confront him). All the weight loss and tanning and primping I do still doesn’t make him want me (According to me, because its always safer to assume that he doesn’t want me then to talk to him and find out the truth). Because we are together so often I don’t think (think but don’t ask, allllways better) he’s physically cheating with another woman, but I guess I just wonder(I WONDER again, man I sure spend a lot of time speculating) if these are signs(my own fears about my body=SIGNS)…….”

    This. Has. Nothing. To. Do. With. Your. Boyfriend. Is your boyfriend a douchebag? Probably, if only because he puts his nekkid lady spank bank material up on the walls instead of putting them in a drawer or underneath the mattress like a gentleman. Is that the issue here? Newp newp and newp. At all the points I noted above would have been a great time to confront your boyfriend about each other’s needs. Don’t blame him for giving half-assed answers when you give him half-assed questions and aren’t going to believe him anyway. You are TERRIFIED of finding out the truth about yourself (particularly your looks) and its much easier to assume the worst then actually hear it face to face.

    At any point in this low carb/low self esteem exercise regimen you’ve did you ask yourself how YOU want to look? More importantly, does that matter to you? If this guy’s perceived image of you (more like a fun house perceived image of yourself) is what you’re working towards, then you are in some emotional trouble. I’d love it if you would take some alone time, figure out what makes you the happiest about yourself and have a relationship with this guy (or any other guy) based on what you makes you feel confidant, but that probably wont happen. You might just be scanning these comments for “ZOMGAH, HE’S TOTALLY CHEATING I BET” so you can validate your low self esteem a little more.

    Here are your two steps: Find out what you want to be, with or without a relationship, and then find out if your boyfriend is a cheating porn addled wank. Switch them if you want, but its just going to be more heartbreak.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      VioletLover August 15, 2011, 7:33 pm

      So much yes!

      Have you also noticed that a LOT of the problems people write in to Wendy are usually problems that could be handled by sacking the fuck up and TALKING to the other person?

      I could see if someone was writing in with “Hi, my boyfriend’s mom is a religious whackjob. When she starts ranting about how someone is going to hell for some silly reason, and asks me for my opinion (like she does at every family dinner) how can I be polite and still make it clear that I disagree?”

      The imaginary LW DOES want to talk to the other person, they’re just not sure HOW to go about doing it correctly/politely.

      But this chick doesn’t even really talk to her guy about any of her issues. Have they had a discussion about his porn habits? How can he know that she’s having problems with his Solo Fun Time if she doesn’t speak up?

      Reply Link
    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't August 15, 2011, 9:39 pm

      So much WIN!

      Reply Link
    • katie

      katie August 16, 2011, 9:02 pm

      i have honestly missed you and your comments… seriously.

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 15, 2011, 5:56 pm

    Oh, God. Another Porn letter. I don’t measure up! I don’t look like a porn star… Um, newsflash. He probably knows that already — unless he is blind — and low and behold he is still dating you.

    That said, I am not sure I would put much stock in this relationship. Those Facebook messages that you just conveniently “found” (where were they? tossed under the bed with lost socks?) Still, they were pretty damning. You could very well be a rebound. That is the obvious problem. But instead of fully exploring that you are masking it by the smokescreen of porn.

    Don’t.

    Guys. Look. At. Porn.

    Accept it.

    PS — Your weight loss sounds eating disorderish. Seriously. You probably should go talk to somebody professional… Something is going on here. It’s all very disturbing. Profoundly so.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Morgan August 15, 2011, 8:03 pm

    LW, how fast did you lose the weight? Because if you lost it fast, it doesn’t matter if size 0 could be a healthy weight for you, dropping weight quickly and without carefully monitoring your intake of specific vitamins, minerals, and types of foods can do lasting, irreparable damage to your body. I’d really recommend seeing a doctor (and I recommend that for anyone looking to change their weight drastically for any reason, to make sure that your body can handle the change), especially if your size 8 body was a natural size and build for you. It is certainly possible for size zero to be a natural, healthy body weight, but it is also possible for it to be an exceptionally unhealthy, malnourished body weight.

    My own personal experiences make me very worried for anyone who says things like “I wanted to control or change a situation (in this case his porn use) so I lost a lot of weight.” Because you are not the first person to control your body to try and control something that is largely out of your control. I will not sit here and read this letter and go “Oh, you totally have an eating disorder.” But your letter makes me worried. Talk to someone. A doctor, a nutritionist, someone.

    Also, skin cancer sucks. Eating disorders suck, and skin cancer sucks. And no guy is worth putting yourself through one or both of those.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Quakergirl August 15, 2011, 8:14 pm

    LW, it sounds like this relationship has done nothing but pull you down! This isn’t how relationships are supposed to work. A guy who loves you will make you feel beautiful no matter what size you are or how tan you are or whether you bothered to put on mascara. He won’t go pining after his ex while dating you and putting up posters of Barbie-doll women right in front of you. He won’t make you question whether you’re attractive, or whether you’re enough, or whether your opinions and boundaries are acceptable. That’s so not okay.

    Honestly, I’d give your boyfriend the boot and focus on yourself for a while. Spend time with your friends, focus on activities that you enjoy, explore things you’ve never done before– in other words, get back to being YOU, not the dolled-up bimbo you think your boyfriend wants.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    parrt August 15, 2011, 8:15 pm

    typical young woman with no self esteem.

    or

    fake letter.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    parrt August 15, 2011, 8:29 pm

    nobody gave this girl any practical useful advice.

    listen to me girl, you should get some silicone implants, and wear a pushup bra whenever you are around your boyfriend. lots of eyeliner and fake lashes will help too.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      robottapocalypse August 16, 2011, 12:03 am

      Take Parrt’s advice, then take mine.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    GatorGirl August 16, 2011, 8:33 am

    LW, run away from this relationship. You should not have to alter your physical appearance, change the way you think about things, or put up with someone who is not forth coming with information to you. You are young, and have a lot of life to live, share it with someone who loves and respects you for who you are.

    In regards to the porn; Men understand the difference between the fantasy of porn and the reality of sex. Unless there is a mental issue, you will always be better than the porn, because he gets to touch and actually have sex with you!

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Fabelle August 16, 2011, 9:21 am

    I just want to chime in to address the specific issue of the LW (& most of the commenters) seeming to assume that all porn stars are size 0, big-titted, and overly-tan. Is this the kind of porn the bf is watching? Because a lot of guys I know watch allll kinds of porn, & actually prefer the amateur kind (which features a variety of “real”-looking people). So just throwing that out there. Either way, it doesn’t mean he wants you to look like girls in porn, or any other girl he finds hot. Like, it’s possible to find various people attractive without necessarily comparing them to one another.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    daisygarfield August 16, 2011, 10:24 am

    Hun, you cannot try to compare yourself to the women in porn and the women on his posters. You’re beating yourself up, those are hardly real women, they’re photoshopped and have people do there hair and make up for them not to mention a a plastic surgeon (probably). Sounds to me like you’re going above and beyond the call of duty to meet this guys needs and based on your letter your efforts aren’t being appreciated. Heck, just the fact that this guy was hiding the fact that he was talking to his ex is shady. I would just MOA.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Jena August 16, 2011, 10:25 am

    “He claims he was over her the second he met me, yet he was still in contact with her for the first eight months of our relationship and instead of him being honest about it I had to catch him red-handed and force him to confess.”

    Why have you stayed with him for TWO YEARS if he lied to you for EIGHT MONTHS??

    This website should change its tagline to “I’m settling for a shitty boyfriend, please validate me.”

    Reply Link
  • katie

    katie August 16, 2011, 8:59 pm

    i would just like to say that I would be so turned off by the fact that some guy has pictures of porn stars all over his walls, i wouldnt even date him. or be friends with him, really. isnt that what high school boys do? what happened to having a nicely decorated apartment that your potential girlfriend would WANT to come over to- not some pseudo-frat house with naked chicks all over the walls… ugh.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      6napkinburger August 29, 2011, 4:52 pm

      I got the feeling it actually IS a pseudo-frat house. BF may have just turned 22, leaving him a senior in college, and her a pre-frosh. I totally agree with you re: the gross-factor, but college guys had a lot of things on their walls I would now be disgusted by.

      Also, not sure if anyone else commented on this point but: she prob just graduated from HS and is facing a big life change. She didn’t mention going to college, or long distance or any other details about their actual lives. Someone above mentioned that the act of taking control of her weight to such extremes might be a way of trying to take control of her life, if she feels out of control otherwise. (sorry to be an armchair psychiatrist but I remember learning that anorexia is almost exclusively about control and not about weight at all… and is certainly not a “vanity disease”).

      We are looking at the fact that she clearly has low-self-esteem and is seeking to gain some control in her relationship, but maybe its more general than that — its about her life more broadly and about a life-transitional moment (graduating, going to college? getting a job?). Perhaps she is clinging to this unhealthy (for many different reasons) relationship and seeking to guarantee his love because she feels so helpless/directionless with the rest of her life. Just a thought.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Stephanie121 August 17, 2011, 4:19 pm

    One thing I noticed about your letter was that you lost 50 lbs to try to impress him. Maybe he was more attracted to you at the size you were *before* you lost the weight. Sex does slow down in long term relationships, but if it has come to a stand still maybe something is going on, especially because your body has changed so drastically. It’s not wrong to lose weight because you want too and that’s awesome if you’re healthier, but I’m sure you look really different than when you started dating him. Skinny may be some people’s preference but not everyone’s, and just cause he watches skinny porn stars doesn’t mean he needs you to be a size zero.

    I wouldn’t worry about the porn. A lot of people watch porn and I don’t think it has to do with their partner’s being unable to fulfill them.

    The ex-girlfriend is another story though. It seems like he was hung up on her, so it is reasonable to feel insecure about the possibility of her sweeping back into to his life and totally disrupting your relationship. That said you have been together two years, 16 months of which he hasn’t had contact with her according to your letter. So maybe the ex was a big threat to your relationship in the beginning, but if he really has stopped contact then I wouldn’t worry about her.

    Overall, you sound kind of insecure. Maybe it’s the relationship or maybe it has something to do with the fact that you’re 18, or a combination of both. I would focus less on trying to fix yourself for the boyfriend, and more on your strengths so that your can improve your self esteem. Right now your self image sounds so tied into being this guy’s girlfriend, and it’s sooo alarming that you lost 50 lbs because you were so stressed out over this relationship. I hope you did it in a healthy way and I wish you the best.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Megs August 17, 2011, 8:23 pm

    When you first got together with him, did he make you feel special? Did you feel you were enough? pretty enough? Were you confident in yourself when you were with him? Does it seem like lately he is not treating you like he once did? It could possible be that you are no longer the person he initially fell in love with… it seems to me that you are trying so hard to look the way you think he wants you to look that you no longer look like you. You really need to stop trying to be what you think he wants and be who YOU want to be. You need to be comfortable and confident in who you are and love yourself – because you can’t expect some body else to love you until you learn to love yourself.

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment