In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Throughout our five-year relationship, P has been around to make negative comments about me and act a little emotionally unhinged around my boyfriend — fishing for compliments, needing attention, inviting him to things and getting sulky when he can’t attend. (Apparently, he had a small crush on her before he met me). P has also alienated a few friends by carrying on with another guy, whom she knew to have a girlfriend, and convincing him to dump the girlfriend for her. She apparently only began to show interest in the guy once he and his girlfriend were official. She also tried a similar routine with another couple we know.
My boyfriend has told me that while he and P had been good friends, their friendship has waned. I’m still uneasy about this because he asked me to go through his phone to find a message a friend had texted him and, because I’m not a smartphone user, I had trouble with the touch screen, selected the wrong message and saw that he had texted her that she is “cute” and “adorable when you are drunk.”
We had a talk about the text messages and he let me look through the rest. Apparently, they were at an event together and she asked if they could talk privately. She told him that things were not going well with the guy she had been dating and that she is upset her parents won’t pay for her to go to grad school and want her to get a job instead. From the texts, she made him promise they would hang out all the time and be “best friends.” My boyfriend has a white knight complex and the affectionate text was sent later that night, when he was home, still drunk, and she texted him. He was “trying to cheer up,” and swears that it wasn’t affectionate, just old friends. My close guy friends and I don’t talk like that.
My boyfriend and I mutually set the following boundaries regarding him and P: no hanging out one-on-one, and no getting drunk together. He has said he plans to spend some time with her in the city, but will be busy most of the time with work, school, and visiting me. I trust my boyfriend not to do anything wrong, but I don’t think he can tell what’s manipulative and what is genuine with P. I don’t want to tell him to not hang out with his friend, but I don’t feel like this is a good friendship and I’m a bit uncomfortable. Is there a better compromise/solution to be made here? — Uneasy about His “Friend”