In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Today he called me and told me he doesn’t know if he wants this to work because of the way I have been. He said I am clingy, controlling and he feels like he has no life because of me. He pointed out all the things I do wrong which I am going to share with you. His top issue is when he goes out with his friends I “freak out.” I get all nervous and scared that he is going to meet someone else while he is out or that he is going to give out his phone number or that he’s going to take down a girl’s phone number.
I am scared to death of getting hurt again. I’ve always been the girl who gets ditched for other girls. I’m the girl who gets cheated on, and I’m scared that he is going to do the same thing to me. He said he is sick of paying for my ex’s mistakes. I feel, though, that if he really cared about me he would try to show and prove to me that he isn’t going to hurt me. Am I wrong to think that way? My mom told me that, when he tells me he is going out with his friends, I should say “ok, have fun” and leave it at that. I can’t do that. The second I know he is going to be out I start panicking that someone else is going to go catch his eye and that he is going to forget about me or that he’s going to to tell himself “well, she’s not my girlfriend so I can do whatever I want.” I will literally start crying when and if I know he is out because billions of horrible thoughts start flooding my head.
In my past one of my ex-boyfriends used to take his phone into the bathroom when he showered. I later discovered that those “showers” were phone calls to the other girl while the water was running. So now this new guy likes to take his phone into the bathroom too. One day when I was visiting and caught him in the shower with his phone and it scared the shit out of me, but the thing that he was doing was watching one of his favorite shows while he soaked in the bath. Another issue is his damn phone. He has an iPhone and he loves it to death. He’s always doing something on it, and I can’t help but to think that, when he’s on it, he’s texting another girl. I instantly start to panic because in my past my ex had his other girl saved under a guy’s name and they were ALWAYS texting, so when I see the new guy texting or typing, I panic.
Another issue I have is that his closest friend where he lives is a girl. He swears up and down that there is no attraction and that they are just friends. Recently I saw my best friend get cheated on by her boyfriend of three years and he cheated on her with his “best girl-friend.” I do not believe that guys and girls can hang out one-on-one and “just be friends” especially after seeing what one of my best friends went through.
He said he is not going to let me control who he hangs out with either. He tells me that I’m too hot to be insecure, but that doesn’t help AT ALL. When he tell me I’m hot, it makes me feel like that is all he thinks of me — that I’m just a hot girl and it makes him feel good to keep me around simply because I’m good-looking and not because he wants something with me. I sometimes feel like I’m a time-filler until something better comes along.
Lately, he also feels like I have been shoving my feelings down his throat. I told him it’s not that I’m trying to do that; I’m just trying to prove and show him that I’m worth giving a chance, but he told me that the way I can prove that to him is by NOT trying. How does that work? I feel like that, if I don’t try, then he won’t know that I want to be with him. How do I make him want me? I have never had a positive experience when it comes to men and I ALWAYS expect the worst. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Please help me. — More than a Time-Filler
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