Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “I Think My Boyfriend Is Going to Cheat on Me”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years. I recently moved in with him after being in long distance relationship for a year. Although I am happy living in the same apartment with him, there are two things that bother me. The first is that he cheated on his previous girlfriends. Even though it was a long time ago, I am not convinced that he is remorseful about his actions. The second issue I have is that his close friend, Chris, cheats time after time and my boyfriend doesn’t sympathize with the girls who are cheated on.

Now, Chris has found a new girl he is engaged to. Both my boyfriend and I are sure that he is also cheating on this girl. But my boyfriend is still friends with Chris. I never asked my boyfriend to stay away from Chris or stop talking to him, but I am worried about his reactions to Chris’s wrong behaviour. I also expect him to show some compassion to the girls who are being cheated on especially when he has people in his family who are affected by cheating.

Sometimes it bothers me that he wants to invite Chris to our home and I have to cook for them. I feel that Chris gets away with everything but my boyfriend thinks that I am being judgemental. All of this gives me the feeling that my boyfriend also has the potential to cheat. I think he is loyal to me currently, but I also feel that a couple of years down he is likely to cheat. What should I do? – Not a Chris Fan

***************

You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

54 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Liquid Luck September 18, 2013, 10:15 am

    1) If you honestly believe that your boyfriend would cheat on you (either now or in the future), then move on. You clearly don’t trust this guy, so why are you with him? You are trying to make your boyfriend into someone he isn’t. Your boyfriend does not have to sympathize with women he doesn’t know or have compassion for them, so stop trying to force that out of him. If it’s important to you to have a partner with those qualities, then find someone who already has them. Look for someone who is a good match for you exactly as they are instead of trying to force someone you happen to be with already into the mold you want for your partner, because that never, ever works out in the real world.

    2) You do not HAVE to cook for anyone you don’t want to, so don’t. If someone is not your guest, they are not your responsibility. Learn how to say no.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Liquid Luck September 18, 2013, 10:20 am

      i also want to add that your problems with your boyfriend have nothing to do with Chris, they aren’t Chris’s fault, and they won’t magically disappear even if Chris does. Your issues are with your boyfriend and what he believes, what he’s done in the past, and what you think he’s capable of doing in the future. You’re just using Chris as a scapegoat so that you can pretend that your relationship is actually wonderful and its only problems are external, but that’s just not true. The problems are part of your relationship, and they won’t go away if your boyfriend gets new friends.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        kerrycontrary September 18, 2013, 10:26 am

        Really good point. You could take all of the Chris details out of the letter and the point would still be that the LW doesn’t trust her boyfriend.

        Link
  • theattack

    theattack September 18, 2013, 10:18 am

    I don’t believe in “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” That’s just not true as long as someone genuinely wants to change. I think you’re right to be concerned about him cheating down the road because it doesn’t sound like he’s shown a commitment to anti-cheating. He has the potential to cheat on you, yes, but then again, so does everyone. Will you ever be able to let this go and trust him? Only you can know. You have to decide if you would rather invest more time into the relationship knowing that it will always be a risk, or if you want to accept that you will never trust him fully and leave now. I know I couldn’t be with someone I couldn’t trust.

    “Sometimes it bothers me that he wants to invite Chris to our home and I have to cook for them.”

    And this…. what? You have to cook for them? You’re under a legal contract to cook for Chris and your boyfriend when they’re at your home? That’s a unique situation. 😉

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    painted_lady September 18, 2013, 10:21 am

    Look, this is my 100% biased, purely anecdotal and totally nonscientific opinion, but I think if your partner is close, close friends with someone you can’t stand for any reason, I don’t think there’s any way for that to work out. You’re pretty much agreeing to spend a huge amount of time around someone who irritates the shit out of you because you can’t realistically ask your partner to quit hanging out with a good friend, and no matter what you do, you’re always going to have to spend way more time than you want around that person. Whether or not Chris’ shortcomings are a reflection on your boyfriend (I think they probably are), he hangs out a lot with someone you can’t stand, and that’s not a problem you can fix. Sorry to disappoint, but I think your relationship is doomed.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      painted_lady September 18, 2013, 10:25 am

      Exceptions can be made in the case of the partner with the annoying friend agreeing to keep things separate as much as possible, but as your boyfriend asks you to do the cooking (or expects it? Or at least doesn’t give you an out?) when Chris comes over and calls you judgmental for being unhappy about it, he is clearly not the kind of partner that would agree to that.

      Reply Link
      • bagge72

        bagge72 September 18, 2013, 11:26 am

        yeah you are right the problem here is that she wouldn’t trust her BF to be alone with this guy, beacuse she is automatically think that they are going around banging lots of girls, so it seems that she really doesn’t have a good situation here with this guy.

        Link
      • avatar

        painted_lady September 18, 2013, 12:07 pm

        True. Like my story about my ex below, I knew exactly what that guy said about me when I *was* around, so I could only imagine what he was saying to my boyfriend when I wasn’t there. And the bottom line was, I didn’t trust him to be able to/willing to stand up to the guy. Part of that, I admit, was my own insecurity, but part of it, I realize now, was the dynamic between them – my ex let his friend run all over him, so deep down, I knew he wouldn’t speak up for me. So maybe this feeling the LW has could have something to do with a dynamic she can’t quite verbalize. Or maybe she just doesn’t like the friend and doesn’t trust her boyfriend.

        Link
    • avatar

      kerrycontrary September 18, 2013, 10:26 am

      Yeh, I think you need to like your partners friends. I’m sure there are plenty of couples out there in this situation who “make it work”, but it’s not the best-case scenario.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        painted_lady September 18, 2013, 10:32 am

        Yeah, I mean, they don’t need to like EVERYONE, but if you’re taking constant issue with the person your partner spends as much time around as possible, then it’s not going to work. My last boyfriend’s best friend was a sexist pig who made passive-aggressive digs at me constantly, and when we broke up, I think I was most thrilled I’d never have to see that guy again. My ex was constantly encouraging me to make nice, and it was eating me up to do it.

        Link
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary September 18, 2013, 10:23 am

    Well, you are being judgmental. You are judging Chris and his possible cheating (which you have no proof of–you just THINK he’s cheating on his fiance), which has NO affect on your daily life. If Chris’s relationship blows up in his, and his fiance’s face, will it affect you at all? NOPE! So start minding your own business. Your boyfriend already knows you don’t like Chris, so tell him that you don’t approve of Chris’s lifestyle choices and next time they want to hang out they can go out to dinner since you don’t want to spend time with him anymore.

    Your boyfriend’s reaction to Chris’s cheating does not mean he’s going to be a cheater. Your boyfriend just may not be very empathetic to women he doesn’t know. Is your boyfriend choosing a very quality person to be friends with right now? No, but you probably have a friend (or two) with some sort of questionable behavior. Unless all of your friends are 100% perfect.

    Also, you shouldn’t expect your boyfriend to feel guilty long-term over cheating that happened years ago. Maybe he felt remorseful then and he’s moved on from it. Maybe he was young and stupid and the “relationships” he was in weren’t that serious anyways. Do you really want him to carry that guilt around for the rest of his life? Guilt is a pretty useless emotion. A lot of people who do something wrong recognize what they did was wrong, but they don’t dwell on it and think about how horrible they are. There are plenty of people who have cheated in the past, don’t feel that guilty over it, and go on to have successful monogamous relationships.

    Bottom line is, you don’t trust your boyfriend. You either need to start trusting him or move on, because your relationship is going to be very rocky, stressful, and drama-filled otherwise.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Liquid Luck September 18, 2013, 1:24 pm

      Love your third paragraph! I completely agree about guilt, and the fact that she pretty much WANTS him to feel bad about things he did a long time ago is really shitty. I cheated in a long-term relationship years ago, and I don’t feel bad about it (now) at all. Like you said, there is no positive outcome to holding onto guilt. And even without those negative feelings, I haven’t cheated since and have no inkling to do so anytime in the future, so I clearly don’t believe that lack of remorse = a desire/willingness to repeat past behavior.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    rachel September 18, 2013, 10:31 am

    I don’t really understand your logic for thinking your boyfriend will cheat. Just because someone has cheated before, doesn’t mean they will again, and maybe he just wants to stay out of his friend’s drama. But, really, it doesn’t matter because you ARE convinced that he’s going to cheat. So, there really is no reason to stay with him. You’ve got to trust your partner.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      oldie September 18, 2013, 11:15 am

      Anything Is possible, but your suggestion that he won’t cheat again seems optimistic. A guy who has cheated on multiple gfs in the past, shows no remorse for cheating, is best pals with a serial cheater, and seems unable to generate any empathy for women who are cheated on strikes me as a guy who is 90% likely to continue cheating. I think you are expressing the “I’m the woman to tame this serial cheater” romcom view of relationships with a bad boy. Since LW doesn’t trust his guy, hates his friend, and finds their general attitude toward relationships to be unacceptable, she should just MOA and find someone who shares her values. If you want to pursue a bad boy, you should expect bad behavior. If that’s not want you want, stay away from the players.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        rachel September 18, 2013, 11:33 am

        I don’t get why you’re addressing me here. I never said he won’t cheat, I just said it’s not a forgone conclusion. They’ve been together 3 years. And I agree that she needs to moa.

        Link
    • rainbow

      rainbow September 18, 2013, 12:05 pm

      “I don’t really understand your logic for thinking your boyfriend will cheat”
      It’s something he usually does, he doesn’t regret the times he did, it’s sort of common in his immediate circle. What else do you need?

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        rachel September 18, 2013, 12:09 pm

        But, see, that all makes sense to me, if they haven’t been together long. That’s maybe reason to be suspicious and not want to enter into a long term relationship. But they’ve been together for 3 YEARS! It’s weird to me that that doesn’t play into her equation.

        Link
      • rainbow

        rainbow September 18, 2013, 12:13 pm

        That part is weird. I guess they weren’t monogamous while LD, or maybe moving in with him brought her closer to Chris and introduced number 3, “it’s sort of common in his immediate circle”.

        Link
      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 18, 2013, 12:14 pm

        Yeah, I could see her being worried if they JUST got together, & were maybe in the stage of toying with commitment, & asking the question, “Is he a cheater?” But they’ve been together for 3 years— if she had worries, they should have been addressed already.

        Link
      • avatar

        rachel September 18, 2013, 12:21 pm

        Yeah, exactly.

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 18, 2013, 12:15 pm

        I totally agree Rainbow. With out any remorse, I’d worry he’d cheat too. I think LW and BF need to have a chat.

        Link
      • avatar

        lets_be_honest September 18, 2013, 12:22 pm

        To play devil’s advocate, if I cheated on past boyfriends OVER 3 YEARS AGO, I don’t think I’d still be saddled with guilt and remorse anymore. Nor would I be talking to my current boyfriend about how bad I felt about that. If it came up, I’d acknowledge it maybe once and say it was fucked up and that’s it. I have a feeling the boyfriend has probably addressed it that way also.
        Also, I would hope that my boyfriend wouldn’t judge me simply because I have one close friend who is a cheater.

        Link
      • avatar

        bethany September 18, 2013, 12:30 pm

        How much remorse is someone supposed to show for something they did over 3 years ago? I cheated on my college boyfriends. Am I still supposed to feel bad about that? Should I walk around feeling remorseful and tell my husband how sorry I am that I did something bad years and years ago? I think saying that he needs to show remorse is pretty silly. He can feel regret about what he did without telling his girlfriend about it.

        Link
      • Fabelle

        Fabelle September 18, 2013, 12:37 pm

        yeah, like, I PERSONALLY feel regret about cheating on my ex— but when I tell the story to my boyfriend? I ~may~ even go as far as to LAUGH about it…? (Not like, “muahaha, let’s toast to my deceitfulness & revel in evil” but the circumstances were a bit twisted, in a way that can be amusing, & also the ex found out because of my own stupidity, & I admit that’s funny in a horrible way also)

        So yeah anyway, I get the sense LW wants the conversation to go somewhere it’s just not realistically going to go. People don’t tend to wallow in remorse over behavior in past relationships to their current S/Os

        Link
      • Copa

        Copa September 18, 2013, 12:41 pm

        Yeah, that was my initial thought when I read the letter. Does he have to feel bad about himself indefinitely? Assuming he’s not actively, like, gloating about his cheat-y past, he can recognize that he didn’t handle his relationship/a situation well a few years ago without feeling constant regret about it today. And he doesn’t need to be vocal about it.

        Link
      • avatar

        GatorGirl September 18, 2013, 12:59 pm

        I guess what I mean is that if he hasn’t changed his mind about the appropriateness of cheating, then I would wager he would do it again. And in this case he doesn’t appear to think cheating is inappropriate, at this point in his life.

        Like I cheated on people in the past. But in hindsight it was stupid and immature and I’m not really okay with the fact that it happened and I would never dream of doing it again. So remorseful Might not be the right word…but I’m definitely not proud of my actions either.

        Link
  • avatar

    starpattern September 18, 2013, 10:31 am

    So, have you had a talk with your boyfriend about how he feels about cheating now? Has he said he is serious about being faithful? I think that conversation, and how he responds to those kinds of questions, will tell you what you need to know. I don’t understand what you mean when you say he needs to be more sympathetic to the women that are cheated on… certainly, I think cheating is always a shitty situation for the person being cheated on, but I don’t think your boyfriend (or anyone) should have to wring his hands over it since he is not really close to those women. You need to decide what you (reasonably) need from your boyfriend to ease your mind about his potential to cheat, ask him for that, and then let it go. If you’re not going to trust him, what’s the point in staying with him?

    I feel you on the scuzzy friend, though. Old friendships die hard, and you shouldn’t give your boyfriend a hard time about this one – Chris’ personal life is not your business, really. That said, you should not hang around and cook for the guy if you do not like him. Why not make plans with your own friends when your boyfriend has Chris over for dinner?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Amanda September 18, 2013, 10:34 am

    LW, it’s painfully clear that you don’t trust your boyfriend. So, why don’t you talk to him about your feelings? This conversation is very important and will give you an indication of how your boyfriend feels about you and your relationship.

    You can either work on the trust issues that you have in your relationship with your boyfriend or MOA.

    Reply Link
  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 18, 2013, 10:38 am

    Sounds to me like your problem is more with Chris than your boyfriend. I can totally sympathize. I have a girlfriend who cheated on her boyfriend, and ever since she told me, I have had a hard time dealing with her. I consider it a character flaw, an inherent part of who this person is. Our relationship has changed because of it. All men (and women) have the potential to cheat. Temptation is always out there. It’s whether they act on it that makes them a cheater. Unless your boyfriend gives you concrete, specific reasons to suspect him, don’t. Believe me, I get this. It’s something I struggle with a lot. Cheaters can change, but I would definitely be on my guard if I knew a guy had a history of cheating. But if he shows me through his behaviour that he is serious about staying committed to me, I would give it a try. If your boyfriend does cheat, consider it a bullet dodged.

    And by the way, you absolutely do not have to cook for Chris. You can’t ban him from the house because it’s your boyfriend’s house, too, but you can make sure you’re not around when Chris comes over. You have absolute control over who you choose to cook for.

    Reply Link
  • Fabelle

    Fabelle September 18, 2013, 10:40 am

    Okay, the “two things that bother you”— you knew about the first one (him cheating on previous girlfriends) the WHOLE TIME you’ve been dating him, right? Three years? I’m guessing this is the case, or else you would’ve written “I just found out that…” So, okay, has his past bothered you the whole time? Or is it just cropping up now that you’re seeing his reactions to Chris’s alleged cheating?

    Look, I have friends that cheat. I was also a cheater. (Same for my boyfriend, actually, but I’m leaving him out of this in order to simplify the message)…if my boyfriend was ~you~, he could technically complain about my “cheating potential” due to these two factors. BUT he chooses to trust me & believe that my past actions were due to past circumstances, & believe that my cheat-y urges have subsided with time & growing up. You can choose to believe the same about your boyfriend… or you can worry yourself over whether or not he may cheat “a couple of years down”.

    OR you can end the relationship. Maybe it’s not the right relationship for you. Your other main complaint is his friend Chris, who apparently comes over a lot, & apparently you “have” to cook for? Both him & your boyfriend? Maybe this isn’t the kind of dynamic you want in a relationship? Maybe your boyfriend’s personality is more like Chris’s than you initially knew (not just the cheating thing, but other parts of his personality that I assume you also dislike)? Only YOU can evaluate all of these things, & decide whether or not they are worth getting over/working through, or if it’s better to move on. Good luck.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Banana September 18, 2013, 10:43 am

    The deeper problem here is that your boyfriend is close friends with someone you don’t respect, and whom you think acts badly, and your boyfriend doesn’t seem to think his actions are bad. That says something about your boyfriend. Not necessarily that he would cheat — you need to stop obsessing over that part — but that he clearly doesn’t have the same values you do. You find it repulsive to be around someone who behaves like Chris. Your boyfriend doesn’t. That says there’s a big gulf between you in what you find acceptable, in your own behavior and in others’. I don’t blame you if that makes you lose respect for your boyfriend as well. That’s the real problem here. Not whether or not your boyfriend will cheat on you (don’t borrow trouble — doesn’t sound like you have any more evidence than the fact that he did it years ago to other people), but whether or not you and your boyfriend have similar enough values to make it in the long run.

    The people your boyfriend chooses to surround himself with says a lot about him. It’s one thing if your boyfriend’s friends annoy you because they just have annoying personalities or you don’t click. It’s another thing if they annoy you because their behavior is hurtful and outrageous and your boyfriend seems okay with it. That’s a red flag.

    Reply Link
    • Fabelle

      Fabelle September 18, 2013, 10:52 am

      I agree with the differing values thing, but first I think she should find out if he ~really~ is totally accepting of the friend’s actions? Right now, it seems more like she ASSUMES he’s accepting/approving of Chris’s character/actions because he still hangs out with him, won’t condemn his cheating, won’t sympathize with the girls involved, etc., but he could have good reason to NOT want to discuss Chris in a negative light with her? Maybe he knows it would an outpouring of shit talking (from LW)? And like Rachel said above, maybe he doesn’t want to get involved in the drama?

      Of course, even under those circumstances, it could be a dealbreaker for the LW. Just throwing it out there that his continued association with Chris doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cool with the hurtful things Chris does— some people can stay friends with those whose values don’t align with their own.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    boredatwork September 18, 2013, 10:46 am

    You are also assumeing that Chris is cheating and that he and his past gfs and current fiance don’t have an open relationship. Some people are very secretive about having them, mainly for good reason as many people don’t agree with that life style. I have a close friend who once got caught out on a date with her boyfriend when her fiances aunt saw and reported it back to his family and BOOM cluster****.

    Like everyone above is saying, the real issue isnt Chirs its that you don’t trust your boyfriend. Open up to him and talk about it, express your concerns and see what he says. his reaction will proably tell you when you need to know in regard to how he feels about infidelity.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Bunnycsp September 18, 2013, 10:48 am

    LW, you seem to be waiting for the floor to fall out in this relationship. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend has done anything so is this the way you approach life? are there more details we need? Or are you too content and nervous that life can’t be this good?

    When thinking of your friends, I am sure that they all have flaws that you overlook and still care about them. Sometimes cheating is chronic and sometimes it is just a symptom of immaturity and youth. Maybe your BF and Chris both had wild pasts and are now ready to settle down.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    bethany September 18, 2013, 10:56 am

    I cheated on almost every boyfriend I ever had. I’ve been with my husband almost 7 years, and haven’t ever had a desire to cheat. Past behavior isn’t always in indication of future behavior. People grow up and they change.

    The guy, Chris sounds like a douche, but you can’t really do anything about him, other than limiting your time around him.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      lets_be_honest September 18, 2013, 12:16 pm

      Re Chris. My partner has a friend I don’t really like all that much at all…so Peter hangs out with him without me and doesn’t invite him over. We’re both ok with that, so it works. In the last year, I’ve seen him once I think at a wedding and we were pleasant and whatnot.

      Reply Link
  • Diablo

    Diablo September 18, 2013, 11:00 am

    Whether he has cheated or will cheat seems immaterial, since you don’t respect his values (understandably) and don’t trust him. You have to ask yourself why you are in a relationship with someone you don’t trust. If you cannot come to trust him (hopefully with your eyes open to who he really is), this won’t likely last. Maybe you should think about whether you really want to be in a relationship with him if you feel that way.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark September 18, 2013, 11:17 am

    Eh, if you are too needy and insecure to date somebody who has cheated before… gee, it is probably a solid idea, you know, NOT to date somebody who has cheated before. Much less move in with them. Honestly, people, this isn’t exactly rocket science here. Truth be told, I am beginning to that that many men and women are simply too fucking stupid to date…

    PS. Stop projecting all of your insecurities onto Chris. Constantly bashing away at someone’s best friend simply isn’t very attractive. Honestly? When people do this I always suspect their motives as they tend to be very…well, suspect.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    lemongrass September 18, 2013, 11:21 am

    First of all, talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling. If that conversation doesn’t settle your nerves then move on. Life is too short for either of you to stay in a relationship without trust.

    Reply Link
  • bagge72

    bagge72 September 18, 2013, 11:23 am

    1st advice:I honestly think that a lot of guys don’t care if their guy friends are cheating on their girlfriends. A lot of guys out there, look at like as long as it doesn’t harm them then do what you wan’t and leave me out of it. I think guys are a lot less judgmental when it comes to their friends, they care more about how the friend treats them, then how they treat other people, so I would say don’t base the fact that he doesn’t care about what Chris is doing as a sign that he is going to cheat. If that is your only sign then I wouldn’t worry. If there are other things then I would say move on, beacuse he has clearly done it multiple times.
    Alternate Advice: Chris is definitely a douche, and if you are good friends with his girlfriend, well then is your girl code stronger than his bro-code? If so with your insecurities, you and her should say fuck it, and walk off into the sunset with each other, and get better guys with better values.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      savannah September 19, 2013, 9:02 am

      I agree. I can’t tell you the number of times good guy friends or boyfriends have told me that at least 2-3 guys in their crew are ‘total douchebags’ or ‘such an asshole’ who they continue to be really close friends with. For women, or at least my friends, if you came across as a heinous bitch I am not inviting you to my annual holiday/Superbowl/cats birthday party.

      Reply Link
  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana September 18, 2013, 11:32 am

    Look if something as obscure and random as this will make you doubt your boyfriend and believe he will cheat then you do not trust him and no relationship is worth being in without trust. THIS IS THE TRUTH. You cannot force trust and if you try it will make you batty (and most likely your partner too).

    Further, I agree with other commenters who have said there is most likely a difference in values here. Most people have friends that cheat, good people typically disagree with their friends about it, maybe privately to a sig other or maybe to their friend, but they don’t necessarily end their friendships over it and I never once thought that just because they hung-out with cheaters they would cheat.

    In the end, I think you really need to MOA as you just do not trust your boyfriend.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    cdobbs September 18, 2013, 11:42 am

    i’m not sure that you can equate your boyfriend’s friends cheating directly with your boyfriends behaviour….if he has multiple friends the probability is that one or more of them have cheated and that doesn’t necessarily reflect on your boyfriends propensity to cheat or his moral values….all it states is that he doesn’t have a problem hanging out with people who cheat….while his friend does sound like a piece of work, its not really your business whether or not he is cheating on his girlfriend….that being said, if you don’t trust your boyfriend you might want to consider that this is not the right relationship for you

    Reply Link
  • the_optimist

    the_optimist September 18, 2013, 10:47 am

    So have you had these doubts for the three years you’ve been with this guy? Were they discussed at all before you closed the long-distance gap and moved in together? That’s the one piece of this jigsaw puzzle that I’m having some trouble understanding. If after three years you can’t trust your boyfriend to stay faithful to you, you probably shouldn’t stay with him.

    As for the friend, I kind of feel like if there’s a person whom you’re uncomfortable around or just generally don’t like, you have no responsibility to be around that person. And you sure as hell don’t have to cook for that person.

    Reply Link
  • redessa

    redessa September 18, 2013, 1:19 pm

    I don’t see why your boyfriend needs to sympathize with the women Chris cheats on. Chris’ relationships are his own business. If your bf knows Chris to be a cheater, why in the world would he bother getting emotionally attached to any girl Chris brings around enough to be sympathizing with her? Maybe he figures Chris’s reputation speaks for itself and anyone who dates him knows what she’s in for. Or maybe he hasn’t put even that little bit of thought into it. Big sweeping generalization here – but guys are usually pretty good at compartmentalizing their lives. He has a good time hanging out with Chris doing whatever it is they do together and that’s as far as it goes.

    Have you ever seen the show How I Met Your Mother? The Barney character is a known womanizer and pretty much any woman stupid enough to fall for his lame pickups gets what she deserves. Obviously, this is done to an exaggeration for laughs on a tv show, but the underlying sentiment is probably not that far off for some people.

    Anyway, as for you – you do not have to be a part of their friendship. You tell your bf that while you really don’t care for Chris, you’re not going to interfere in their friendship but that you’re asking they spend most of their time elsewhere. And let him know you will not be cooking for them anymore. Then when they are hanging out at your place, you might find you suddenly need to spend a few hours off with your own friends. Or mulling over the produce at the grocery store. Or even tucked in your bed reading a new book. Anywhere except in the kitchen cooking for a guy you can’t stand! I would say though, for the sake of keeping the peace, you should be open to an occasional double date with Chris and his fiancée (assuming you get along okay with her).

    All of this assumes you even stay in the relationship in the first place. Because all the Chris stuff aside, you clearly don’t trust your bf. Figure that out and either make the choice to accept him as is or MOA.

    Reply Link
  • landygirl

    landygirl September 18, 2013, 1:25 pm

    Maybe your bf is cheating WITH Chris…

    Reply Link
    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark September 18, 2013, 2:06 pm

      Hot… But doubtful. In this day of age — why even bother with the pointless charade of women?

      Reply Link
      • landygirl

        landygirl September 18, 2013, 2:26 pm

        Status quo? Even in this day and age a lot of men are still afraid to come out of the closet because of their conservative families, etc. It seems silly but it still happens. Also, it is hot!!

        Did you see that Madonna did an AMA on reddit the other day?

        Link
      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark September 18, 2013, 5:58 pm

        I caught bits and pieces. I am slammed this week on a shoot and am annoyed that Amazon is actually pushing the limit on the days supersaver shipping takes to get me my MDNA blu-ray and LIVE album…

        Link
  • avatar

    marinne September 18, 2013, 2:12 pm

    Well, my boyfriend also has friend who cheat on their girlfriends, and it does irritate me. But we talked about it, and I don’t think I have reason to believe he will cheat (he also has a history of being cheated on and then working it out by sleeping with girls who had boyfriends…)
    At first, it did bother me that he didn’t think less of his friends or didn’t show any compassion for the girlfriends, but he explained it like, those are his friends, and he loves them, and the girlfriends come second. Like, he doesn’t feel he owes anything to the girlfriends (and he doesn’t). I think that men generally are less judgemental about stuff like that. I know if one of my friends were cheating on her boyfriend, I would be way more annoyed than he is at his friends.
    But… I don’t know, I guess you really need to have a talk with him? Telling he what’s bothering you? You’ll feel better once he reassures you everything is fine.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Lark September 18, 2013, 4:26 pm

    You don’t trust your boyfriend. It boils down to that. You’ve been with him three years, and you still doubt his fidelity? People cheat, and people can change. Unless your boyfriend is 55+ and is yapping about having cheated on very girlfriend he has had since he was a teenager, I don’t understand why you are so worried he will cheat on you. He’s not out drinking at 2 am in the morning on a regular basis with another woman, he’s not getting flirty texts…I mean there is a whole array of possible suspicious, disrespectful behavior that could be happening but your boyfriend isn’t doing any of that. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend has done anything wrong or kind of hinky in your relationship, except have a douchey friend and not express enough guilt for his past to your satisfaction. He’s been with you for over three years, and it sounds like you still want him to wear a scarlet letter.

    Chris sounds like a major douche canoe. However, you should respect that there is something there that makes your boyfriend want to be friends with him. Is Chris cruel to you? Is he a bigoted/physically abusive asshole? If the answer is no to those two questions, then I think you need to let it go. Those are the only two factors that would make me seriously give a side-eye. Your boyfriend can disapprove of Chris’s cheating, but in the long run Chris’s romantic (tawdry as it may be) business isn’t his business to interfere with and it doesn’t define Chris to your boyfriend. Meanwhile, you don’t seem to see Chris as a nice guy, a funny guy, etc. but you seem to define him as a cheater.

    Look, I get being worried about a boyfriend or not liking one of his friends. But it’s been three years, and frankly as douchey as Chris sounds LW sounds equally douchey and judgmental by defining Chris solely by his cheating.

    Reply Link
  • kare

    kare September 18, 2013, 6:43 pm

    I don’t think one’s friends are always an indicator of how they will behave. My best friend cheated on her boyfriend pretty blatantly. She knew I didn’t approve, and I didn’t change that stance. But I didn’t say anything to him or otherwise get involved because they are both adults, and it doesn’t benefit anyone for me to meddle in their relationship. If a guy I was dating didn’t understand that we are different people that handle circumstances differently, I would be a little offended. I wouldn’t stop hanging out with my friend just because she cheated on her boyfriend. As for the perceived lack of empathy, I think that could be how he expresses things in general. Some people shrug things off and don’t get outraged or very upset often. Your boyfriend might disagree with Chris’s actions, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to rattle off how horrible the guy is or how bad he feels for the girl that he doesn’t know nearly as well.

    Ultimately, you don’t trust this guy. Without trust you have nothing, so cut your losses now and move on. On the bright side – no more cooking for a guy you can’t stand.

    Reply Link
  • Lindsay

    Lindsay September 19, 2013, 8:52 am

    On one hand, I don’t think simply having a friend who cheats means anything. I have friends who have been in affairs (as the other woman and the cheater), and that doesn’t mean that I’m going to cheat on someone myself. I also don’t spend a lot of time clucking about whether they are bad people or not, so if my boyfriend was relying on that to determine what kind of a person I am, then it wouldn’t look good for me.

    On the other hand, if you guys have had a conversation, and he’s openly said that he doesn’t think cheating is wrong or that his friend has done anything wrong, then I do think that’s a problem. But that has nothing to do with his friend. That just has to do with you guys having different values.

    Either way, if you believe that he is going to cheat on you, then I’m not sure why you’d continue dating him. It’s either a huge difference in values or just kind of silly, since I assume you don’t want to be cheated on, so why would you willingly subject yourself to it?

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    NoPlayer September 19, 2013, 7:28 pm

    At the root of cheating, is the lying. I cheated once decades ago. Tried it and did not like it because in order to do so I had to LIE to both parties. Did not like myself because of the lying, and probably not so much, the cheating.

    Does he lie. Is he honest. Does he have a history of behavior, and believe system that honesty is the best policy?

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment

Next Post: Previous Post: