Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “I Think My Fiancée is Cyber-Cheating on Me”

My fiancée and I started dating in January of this year. We live three hours apart, but we text pretty much all day every day during the week and spend every weekend together, the majority of the time with me driving to her home. She is widowed and has two teenage boys, whom I get along with really well (I spend nearly every weekend with them).

When we first started dating, everything was great! At one point though I began to become concerned that she may still have feelings for one of my best friends, with whom she had previously messaged and talked. I was told that their relationship was just friendly; however, I suspected that she may have been more interested in him at some point than he was with her. I noticed that both of them seemed to be getting on and off Facebook at the same times. When I mentioned it to her, she stopped getting on Facebook for the most part (although I did not request this of her).

Since April she has not been nearly as affectionate with her words (e.g. “I love you,” “I miss you,” etc.). Around that time, we picked out rings and we became engaged. I am going through a divorce that has become a nightmare of delays, so, even though we have told a few close family and friends about our engagement, we are not sharing it publicly until my divorce is final. We originally talked about getting married this summer, but about two to three months ago she decided to push it to October. Through all of this time I have not been able to shake the feeling that she is communicating with this other guy. I have asked her about it a few times, but she adamantly denies that she has communicated with him.

She and I text or talk every evening before she goes to bed. One evening she asked me before 10 if I was going to bed soon. I thought that was strange. After that I began to look at the other guy’s activity on Facebook. I started noticing that he would get off Facebook every evening at or immediately after the time that she and I said our good nights for the evening. This went on for several weeks. I thought it was odd, and I thought that, if they were communicating with each other, it might be of a sexting nature due to the late times. At one point I began to suspect they might be doing something similar in the mornings. I also suspect that she may be doing something similar during breaks at work. Granted, I have no solid proof that this is going on — just circumstantial evidence and gut feeling mostly.

The thought that they may be sexting and engaging in cyber hookups is eating me alive! I can’t sleep. I consider sexting to be the same thing as actually having physical sex because in your heart and mind you are having sex with that person! I would never do anything like this to her! Again, I do not have proof that this is happening, but the “coincidences” seem to be too much. I have suggested, on a couple occasions, that we might both be ready for a break-up, but she doesn’t want one. I have even thought about breaking up with her despite her objections, but I do love her and don’t want to lose her if I’m wrong.

I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. — Eaten Alive

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

26 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite August 6, 2015, 8:01 am

    So many layers to unpack… So first of all, you’ve only been dating since January and affection decreased in less than 5 months. MOA.
    .
    Your divorce isn’t finalized so you can’t even get married anyway. You don’t need to worry about pushing the wedding back, the law is doing that for you.
    .
    It’s been less than a year and you think that she’s cheating on you. MOA.
    .
    You’ve found dealbreakers and you don’t need anyone else’s permission to end a relationship. MOA.

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  • avatar

    Kate August 6, 2015, 8:44 am

    Sunshine Brite said exactly what I was going to say. Whether or not she’s sexting or whatever with this particular guy is beside the point. You’re not even divorced yet, you got engaged after dating 3 or 4 months, at which point the honeymoon phase / initial excitement and affection was *already waning,* you were looking to get married within 5 or 6 or 7 months of dating, which is way rushing things even if you were legally divorced and had taken time to process and work through things after your marriage ended. Your fiancee already delayed the marriage. You don’t trust her and you’re spying on her online activity. THIS IS NOT HEALTHY!!!! At all. It sounds like you’re horrified to be alone and desperate to fill the gap. Slow down. Put the engagement on hold. Move on if you don’t trust this woman. She’s not the last woman in the world. She’s not going to save you. It’s ok.

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  • avatar

    Anonymous August 6, 2015, 9:12 am

    MOA.

    Break up, talk to a therapist about why you “have” to be with someone, and learn how to be alone. You are never going to be able to be a healthy whole half of a (new) couple if you don’t learn to be alone and seek a partner for the right reasons. good luck!

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  • avatar

    keyblade August 6, 2015, 9:14 am

    You sound nuts. It sounds like the only two options are get married and ride into the sunset or break up. I have items in my pantry older than your relationship. And you live three hours apart and know each other primarily through text! Of course you don’t feel secure and like you can trust your girlfriend. You barely have had time to guess what she is like during fights or during the five day work week or what the holidays are like with her!

    Knock it off. Stop checking Facebook for proof of the worst fear your mind can come up with. Fucking get a divorce. Examine what happened in your first marriage. What brought you into it and led you out? What has the damage been? Hold your horses until the dust settles from the last relay. You aren’t where you think you are.

    Oh and don’t get married. She sounds like she has issues, too. What does it say that she agreed to marry a man after a few mere months of text-dating because he’s nice to her two kids on the weekends? Or that she has agreed to stay with him when he keeps spying on her online activities and making threats of breaking up because she wants to delay the wedding a few months? You are both damaged and could use some healing before taking anything to any other level.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph August 6, 2015, 9:46 am

      I want to give you all the thumbs up for “I have items in my pantry older than your relationship.” But the thumbs won’t work for me.

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    • Raccoon eyes

      Raccoon eyes August 6, 2015, 10:16 am

      Im in the middle of a Self-Imposed DW Time Out (it is nothing personal, Wendy!), but I have to reappear for a hot minute on this. Im with you on the food-in-the-pantry situation!
      *
      LW, you need to Slow.The.F.Down. In life, not just this relationship, it sounds like. FYI, breakups can be unilateral.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster August 6, 2015, 9:17 am

    You’ve known this woman for about 5 minutes, you already don’t trust her, and you’re planning on marrying her while you’re still going through a divorce. Give yourself a good shake, take step back, and look up. There is a big, flashing sign over your head that says “DO NOT MARRY HER” and you’re pretending it’s written in an indecipherable foreign language.

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  • avatar

    Hannanas August 6, 2015, 9:33 am

    LW. Breathe in, breathe out. Why do you so want to make this happen? Because it’s not going to happen. You need to step back and spend some time with yourself, not jump into marriage with some woman you don’t even trust.. And I’m very curious, how did your marriage even end? Was it, say, over jealousy issues?

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  • avatar

    Ale August 6, 2015, 9:34 am

    The LW sounds so desperate. Please do yourself a favor and move on. Wait a minute before you engage in another relationship.

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  • avatar

    Deigh August 6, 2015, 9:38 am

    This is a recipe for a second divorce, IMO. I’m in an LDR of about 4 hours apart. We’ve been doing this for almost two years now and we are no where NEAR as far along in the relationship as you two have raced into. We’ve talked about how we both feel marriage is important but we aren’t engaged. Why the rush to be engaged and married? Marriage isn’t going to stop your suspicions. Marriage isn’t a magic bean that makes no one wants anyone else ever.

    The way you’re checking her obsessively online is really pinging my creep meter. I know you’re scared she’s cheating but you’re letting your fears override your hopefully normal good sense. Would you want her spying on your activities like that? You might not have anything to hide but that’s not the point. It’s invasive. If she wrote in about what you were doing, I’d tell her to move on because you are getting into abusive asshole territory. You might be a nice guy but the situation is turning you into a person that no one should date.

    Please end or slow this relationship so you don’t lose yourself into this weird place you’ve started to inhabit. Get into therapy to deal with the fact you have to cling so hard to this person. You are probably going through some stuff related to the divorce that is affecting your good judgement. Please get help.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie August 6, 2015, 9:40 am

    Let me guess, the engagement was to “seal your commitment”? Yet you can’t tell anyone about it because you’ve got lingering issues given that you’re still married? And jumping right back into the fire?

    Listen to your gut, it’s giving you really good advice. Get divorced and MOA from this relationship. Give yourself some time to be by yourself and figure out what you want from a partner – something more than “not alone”

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  • avatar

    dinoceros August 6, 2015, 9:52 am

    Slow down! You’re getting worked up over sexting when you have literally no idea whether they are even communicating. It’s like planning your funeral because you have a headache and you wonder if it’s a brain tumor.

    The bigger issue here is that you don’t trust her and that she’s been showing signs that you perceive to mean she may not be as invested in the relationship. I think this is manifesting in you freaking out over her possibly cheating. Did you ask her why she wanted to postpone the wedding? I think you need to have a conversation with her about what you both want, and consider moving on.

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  • avatar

    Samantha August 6, 2015, 10:02 am

    Your being really paranoid. Your bugging the crap out of her about something she has already told you isn’t happening. No wonder she’s not acting the same towards you. If your not going to believe her just MOA. Stop obsessing. Do not get married right now.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 August 6, 2015, 10:06 am

    I would go for a second divorce. So you have only been daing since January and it is long distance so you never see each other, she has been less vocal about her feelings about you, and you think she is cheating so you decided to get egaged? You’re a grown up right? Did you mail her the engagement ring?

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  • avatar

    booknerd August 6, 2015, 10:11 am

    Get a divorce. Break up with this woman. Lose the friend who you would assume is sexting your girlfriend. You don’t trust either of them. Be single for awhile. Get over your own issues.
    Then, and only then, consider DATING people. Don’t get married.

    Slow your life down. Why would you even consider marriage, an engagement or even to continue to date someone you don’t trust at all? Im not sure how your Facebook stalking information actually shows any correlation between your GF and your “friend,” but the fact is you don’t trust either of them.
    So, break up, work through your shit and do not get into a serious relationship until you actually are past your divorce and this four month old LDR.

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    • avatar

      booknerd August 6, 2015, 10:13 am

      Oh, excuse me, a SEVEN month old LDR.

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  • chief10

    chief10 August 6, 2015, 10:14 am

    Like LisforLeslie says listen to your gut. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, moves like a duck and smells like a duck, chances are it is one. But even that is besides the point. You aren’t even divorced yet, you live three hours away and only know life together on the weekends. How can any part of you think this is going to be a good idea?
    *
    So when you do get married are you even going to live together, nowhere was there any mention of future plans for the two of you. Gonna say I do and then go back to your place 3 hours away and then check to see if they’re both on facebook?
    *
    You definitely need to end things for your own well being. This isn’t healthy. You need to deal and process the end of you current marriage that isn’t even over yet.

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  • Lady_Red

    Red_Lady August 6, 2015, 10:15 am

    Lol @ “Through all of this time I have not been able to shake the feeling that she is communicating with this other guy” ALL of that time, eh? This sounds like such a rushed relationship.

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  • Miel

    Miel August 6, 2015, 10:51 am

    -If a new relationship doesn’t have a honeymoon period of at least 6 months where everything is great and perfect with butterflies and rainbow, it’s probably not that great of a relationship in the first place
    -If you can’t trust your partner, you should definitely not be in a LDR with them, because trust and communication are the foundations of any successful LDR
    -Actually, trust and communication are the foundations are any successful relationship, period.
    -You shouldn’t get engaged to someone who you don’t trust
    -You shouldn’t get engaged to someone you have only seen on the weekends
    -You shouldn’t get engaged when you are still married to someone else
    .
    My big question here is : what’s the rush ?!?! Do you need to be constantly married to some woman or another because if you were to spend a single day being single, the devil would come to claim your soul? What’s the big difference in between being with this woman, texting her everyday, visiting her on the weekends and enjoying her company while being married vs simply dating her ? The big difference is that a divorce is a huge hassle and breaking up isn’t. I mean, you know that, right ? Since you are currently going through a divorce ? So why do you need to marry her right now ? Why can’t you wait 2-3 years like most of us do ?

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  • avatar

    booknerd August 6, 2015, 11:00 am

    Why would they be carrying on a secret cybersex affair? Why wouldn’t they just date? I think you are paranoid.

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  • avatar

    girltuesday August 6, 2015, 11:18 am

    I think you’re being paranoid, LW. One thing about Facebook – sometimes it “pings” your phone and it shows that you are online when you really aren’t.

    I would MOA if I were you – I can’t imagine spending countless hours checking when my fiancee was online on Facebook at the same time as this dude. This sounds exhausting. She’s already told you nothing is going on – you either choose to trust her, or you don’t. Instead, you’re checking Facebook constantly. You don’t trust her.

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  • avatar

    snoopy128 August 6, 2015, 11:31 am

    What struck me is that you are obsessively creeping on her (and him) through social media. In the red flags thread, this was one of my red flags. I didn’t trust my LDR boyfriend and would constantly peruse facebook to catch him in a lie. Regardless of whether I caught him or not, this behaviour is a huge red flag. It means you don’t trust your SO. And not trusting them after only a few short months, bad. Getting engaged when you don’t trust them, bad.
    I think you need to have a long hard think about why you want to be in a relationship so badly (a very committed one at that) with someone that you don’t trust. Further commitment won’t make you trust them. It also won’t change their behaviour.

    So slow down. Take a step back. Learn to be alone. Wait for a relationship where there is mutual trust and respect. And take it slooooow.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark August 6, 2015, 11:33 am

    And you want to marry this person — why? Exactly?
    .
    That said. Your playing Facebook Detective is just this side of crazy… I mean IF all my friends that come on and leave at the same time are sexting one another… well, then, MY, everybody else is certainly busy!

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  • freckles

    freckles August 6, 2015, 11:36 am

    You’ve only been dating since January, you got engaged after 4 months, when your divorce wasn’t even finalized (is it even finalized by now?), you don’t live near each other, you only see each other on weekends. I’m curious, why did you decide to rush into getting engaged? I’m being completely serious. Why so quickly? This speaks to something else going on with you – an unreasonable fear of being alone maybe? And now, you’re already paranoid that she’s cheating. This is a total MOA situation. Why would you waste your time being so unhappy and paranoid most of the time? Break this off, take some time to be single and learn to be happy with yourself. You’ll start to realize that being alone is not the worst thing in the world. In fact, it can be pretty awesome! Go to therapy to find out why you needed to commit to this unhealthy relationship so quickly.
    .
    Eventually, start dating closer to where you are. Hop on Match.com or eHarmony if you’re having trouble meeting people. Once you’re in a healthy relationship you will wonder why you stayed in your current toxic relationship so long.
    .
    Just remember, the longer you stay in this relationship, the longer you’re putting off your own happiness. Good luck LW.

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny August 6, 2015, 12:05 pm

    It really sounds like you don’t trust her. Whether or not her interest is waning, if you can’t trust her and are checking up on her all the time and making assumptions based on what Facebook says, you totally don’t trust her and this relationship is not working. Just move on.
    And how did people check up on each other before Facebook!? It seems like it adds so many complications to peoples’ relationships sometimes.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie August 6, 2015, 2:24 pm

    This story is wrong, starting from the first sentence. MOA and please spend some time on your own, and learn to love yourself before you try to enter another relationship.

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