Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “I Wasn’t Invited to His Daughter’s Wedding”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I have been with my boyfriend for one year and a half, and have lived with him for one year. He has been separated for over nine years. His daughter, aged 26, is getting married in June, and I know for a fact that she is not inviting me to the wedding. I am very hurt over this. Don’t you think I should be invited to the wedding? — Pseudo Stepmom
135 comments… add one
  • avatar

    bluesunday January 24, 2012, 3:07 pm

    It doesn’t matter what we think. It was his daughter’s decision, and she decided not to.

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    • avatar

      GTR January 24, 2012, 10:51 pm

      It’s not that simple, bluesunday. A bride doesn’t make a decision like this for no reason, and clearly that reason is more than merely, “Oops, I forgot to include Dad’s partner.” There’s obviously something wrong in this relationship, and it needs to be fixed.

      LW’s partner needs to have a quiet word with his daughter and ascertain the reason for this exclusion. If it’s an unforeseen but good reason, fine. If it’s just the bride being a snotty prima donna, then perhaps it’s time to ask her how she’ll feel if she’s invited to this year’s Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners but her new husband isn’t. Because it’s basically the same thing.

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      • katie

        katie January 24, 2012, 11:20 pm

        i dont know if i agree with this… it really is the bride’s decision. the days of inviting people because you “have” to or are obligated to are really going away… atleast that is what i gather from wedding blogs. weddings are seen now as the bride’s and groom’s day, and they can do whatever they want. if they want everyone to dress up, they can do that. if they dont want their parents there, they can do that. they do whatever they want to make the day happy and “theirs”.

        i think that if this bride doesnt want this girl there, she shouldnt be there. just because you are dating someone doesnt mean you “should” be invited anywhere.

        but, maybe im biased because i love offbeatbride, where they encourage you to do what will make you happy on that day, whatever that looks like. but, i dont think im biased, because i actually think thats the way it should be anyway…

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      • avatar

        a_different_Wendy January 27, 2012, 2:10 pm

        offbeatbride has stated more than once that yeah, you do what will make you happy, but that it’s just flat out rude to invite one person and not their partner. I’d say living together means it’s a fairly serious relationship and LW should be invited, even if it’s only as a courtesy.

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      • avatar

        OfeliaTConejo February 4, 2014, 4:50 pm

        Living together for nine years, but he is not divorced from her mother? Give me a break, the girlfriends is living with a legally married man. Without a ring and a date, the girlfriend should stay home. Look it up in Miss Manners.

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      • avatar

        MAB February 25, 2014, 3:46 am

        I agree.
        When I was 11, my younger sister and I were not invited to our own father’s wedding because his new wife didn’t want us there, and she was more important than his young children. It hurt because we were young, and hadn’t done anything wrong- she just didn’t want us there.

        In contrast, it makes me feel sick to see grown adults trying to act like the victims because for whatever reason they’re not invited to their step child’s wedding. If my father and step mother were allowed to exclude us from their marriage without batting an eyelid, then why can’t a bride without children choose to not invite step family?

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      • avatar

        bluesunday January 25, 2012, 10:16 am

        Her question wasn’t “why wasn’t I invited?” or “what can I do to fix my relationship with her?”, it was “don’t you think I should be invited?”. I think the answer to that IS that simple. The LW doesn’t give enough information for us to assess anything more than that.

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      • avatar

        kali January 26, 2012, 12:40 am

        I think LW’s signature may offer an answer to what she did: Pseudo Step Mom? My bet is that a 26-year-old doesn’t want another mom or step-mom and may resent LW.

        My advice to LW is to back off, try to be a cool friend or simply Dad’s girlfriend and hope his daughter warms to you in time. Don’t try to insert yourself into their relationship and don’t make waves. That kind of behavior can only increase the rift between you.

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  • avatar

    Amber January 24, 2012, 3:08 pm

    This is impossible to answer without proper context/background…including:

    1) How are your relations with the mother of the bride?

    2) How are your relations with your boyfriend’s daughter?

    I’m guessing at least one of those two aren’t good, hence not getting invited. Perhaps start there.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 24, 2012, 3:15 pm

      Also, how big is the wedding? If it’s a small affair, then it’s less weird that you are not invited. … Though, I agree with Amber; whether you should be invited probably lies in the answer to one or both of the two questions Amber asked.

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    • avatar

      kittyk January 24, 2012, 4:01 pm

      I second this. You give very little information as to the specifics of your relationship with his daughter. This leads me to believe that things are less than perfect between you and her or you and her mother. If not, I would imagine you would have written about the great relationship you have with her and expressed your hurt and surprise over not being included in her special day.

      Your lack of details is a red flag for me. You probably aren’t invited for a good reason and are writing in under some sense of entitlement.

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      • avatar

        cporoski January 24, 2012, 4:34 pm

        It also might be the relationship with her boyfriend and his ex wife…though she said seperated so I am also wondering if this is his current wife.

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    • avatar

      CollegeCat January 24, 2012, 4:38 pm

      I completely agree it all depends on your relationship with her, given the lack of info this is all I can deduce:

      1. She was 24 or 25 when you started dating her dad
      2. 1 1/2 years is not that long to be dating someone – tons of relationships fail at or after this point.
      3. I am assuming you are not that close with her since you did not mention all of the great times you had together and the resulting shock of the snub. You only seem concerned about the lack of invitation and what other people think about it, not what it says about your relationship with the bride

      No offense but you are not her step-mother, relative, or friend – to her you are probably just the woman who is dating her yet-to be- divorced dad at the moment. It also may be easier for her mom (your bf’s wife) if you are not there as well. Based on this I would say no you shouldn’t be invited – because she desn’t want you there and its her day.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 24, 2012, 5:02 pm

        I really want to second most of what you said. I am in a similar situation as the daughter – about the same age, my parents split when I was an adult, the split was messy and upsetting for everyone in my family, and my father been with his current girlfriend about the same amount of time. I like her, but as I haven’t lived with my father (or my mother) since I was 18, I’ve only actually spent time with her a handful of times so we aren’t close. If my wedding was coming up, and there was push back from my family about having her there (likely there would/will be), it would be a no-brainier to not invite her in order to maintain the peace and have a smooth wedding.

        Sorry LW, I doubt this is a personal attack on you or the daughter’s way of invalidating your role in her father’s life, but if her circumstances are anything like mine, inviting you is just a no-go. Again, if I was the daughter, I would be so grateful (and willing to get closer to you), if you graciously understood the spot I was in and didn’t further aggravate an undoubtedly already tense situation.

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    • avatar

      2_J January 25, 2012, 8:46 am

      I agree with Amber here, this is not enough info here and so therefore i’m starting to think , maybe the LW left out this info on purpose so that maybe we would only side with her without knowing what the big picture is?

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl January 24, 2012, 3:11 pm

    Separated, or divorced? If they’re not divorced then, nine years or not, you’re still technically “the other woman,” and I’m not at all surprised that his daughter isn’t inviting you. I mean, think about it. It’s her WEDDING. Her MOM will be there. Her whole family on her mom’s side will be there. If her parents’ split was anything less than 100% amicable it could be really, really awkward to have you there. You aren’t entitled to an invitation to her wedding just because you’re dating her father. I think the best thing you could do in this situation is to let it go.

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    • avatar

      Neatist January 24, 2012, 3:14 pm

      I second all of this, bravo.

      Be graceful and realize you aren’t her family, so don’t act as if you’re entitled to be included.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate b. January 24, 2012, 3:19 pm

      I agree also. This is not a fight you need. Take the high road and accept her decision gracefully.

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    • avatar

      amber January 24, 2012, 3:22 pm

      haha, i am a slow typer i said the same thing. it makes such a big difference if you’re separated vs. divorced.

      and i agree she should definitely let it go.

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    • avatar

      Morgan January 24, 2012, 3:23 pm

      Yup. My first thought was separated? As in not divorced? Well duh. Also, if her Mom hates you, and she has a sense of loyalty to her mom, not inviting you could just be her way to avoid drama/hurting her mom’s feelings.

      Also, as everyone else has said, how much of a relationship do you have with her, because that also makes a massive difference.

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 24, 2012, 3:27 pm

      oh that would be good to know too. plus, what are the circumstances that the LW and her BF got together? Like, was the LW this guy’s student who seduced him and then “tricked” him into cheating on his wife? (ie, is there a reason why the wife/mother of the bride’ and her entire family who will be at the wedding may curse the ground the LW walks on?)

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    • Tracey

      Tracey January 24, 2012, 4:34 pm

      At first, I thought “separated” could mean they broke up (common law marriage ended with one leaving, long term relationship but not married).

      Then I decided it didn’t matter. The bride’s made her choice. Now handle this gracefully, accept the decision, do not harp about this or with or try to pressure her father into intervening on your behalf, give her a nice and heartfelt gift, and move on. And don’t try to argue your point or pick a fight with the bride either.

      The high road is there in front of you. Take it.

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      • avatar

        cporoski January 24, 2012, 4:53 pm

        It also might mean that they have been separated for 9 years but only divorced 3.

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      • avatar

        Eljay January 25, 2012, 9:30 am

        “The high road is there in front of you. Take it.”

        I have a girl-crush on you Tracey. Love your advice. 🙂

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    • avatar

      NakedDumblydore January 24, 2012, 4:48 pm

      I just want to clarify here that unless the wife and LW’s boyfriend agreed not to date other people during their separation, there is no reason LW should be considered “the other woman,” even technically. Just because they’ve chosen separation over divorce doesn’t mean they’re expecting or even considering a reconciliation, especially at 9 years. Many people, my parents included, choose to remain separated but still legally married in order to take advantage of the tax or insurance benefits that came with the marriage. And that certainly hasn’t prevented either of my parents from dating other people or from getting along amicably. I don’t know what the case is in this situation, but I also don’t think it’s fair to jump to conclusions based on the use of the word “separated” instead of “divorced.”

      That said, I agree with just about everyone here that there are many reasonable explanations for your exclusion, LW. It really doesn’t matter whether we think you should be invited, it’s absolutely the daughter’s decision. So take some time and think about what her reasoning might have been before getting too upset over it. Definitely talk it over with your boyfriend. Be classy about the situation and don’t demand or try to manipulate an invitation out of anyone.

      Something else to consider: if you have a good relationship with the daughter and the reason for the exclusion is family drama or party size, maybe offer with your boyfriend to have a smaller celebratory dinner as a group so that you can at least congratulate and gift in-person without causing a huge stir.

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny January 24, 2012, 4:49 pm

        I love your name. So much.

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      • avatar

        cporoski January 24, 2012, 4:57 pm

        I love your idea for the small dinner. That is wonderful!

        My uncle and his wife dated while he was still with my biological aunt. yea, totally sticky. The now wife did not sit with the family but attended the ceremony. She took a few pictures with the bride and groom and did not attend the reception. It was a compromise because she knew it wasn’t her day. I actually hated her out of loyalty before that day but thought she handled the situation gracefully and earned alot of respect that day.

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    • avatar

      Amber January 24, 2012, 5:50 pm

      In this day and age I don’t really thing the “separated” thing is relevant, especially since they had been that way for 9 years. Alot of people just stay separated and don’t bother to get a divorce until they want to get married again.

      My mom and dad split up when I was 3, and were “separated” until my mom married my now-dad (I never saw my real dad again) when I was 13. So yes, there were 5 years there between the time they got together until my mom divorced so they could marry – but was he the “other man” at that time? Hardly.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl January 24, 2012, 8:37 pm

        Yeah, *I* know she’s not “the other woman,” and *she* knows that, and all the DW commenters know that, but there’s a pretty good chance that no matter how much time has gone by, if there was any bitterness to that split up at all, people on the Mom’s side of the family are going to see her that way. It sucks, but it’s true. And to me, a 9 year separation without a formal divorce is a red flag that at least one party isn’t ready to really, 100% call it quits yet. Now, that’s a huge assumption on my part, I know, and obviously there are exceptions (your story, just to name one). But that’s my take.

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      • katie

        katie January 24, 2012, 9:35 pm

        this is most likely what is going on… it doesnt really matter what happened, it matters what the perceptions of those people involved saw. so if by the mother’s perception he is a cheating bastard, then our LW is the “other woman”. it doesnt matter what really happened, and it likely never WILL matter…

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      • avatar

        Lindsay January 24, 2012, 10:13 pm

        Totally. Nine years and no divorce? The bride is probably doing the LW a favor. I personally don’t know how much I’d enjoy going to a wedding where a large group of people probably wouldn’t like me and the rest have no clue who I am (presumably). Not to mention being there with my boyfriend’s current wife…

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    • avatar

      MsBorgia January 25, 2012, 11:31 am

      Good point. If my dad was dating someone I might not invite her to my wedding even if I adored her, just because of the shit-fit my mother would have. Ugh.

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  • avatar

    amber January 24, 2012, 3:15 pm

    You don’t really give many details on your relationship with the family or daughter in question, it’s hard to get an idea of why she wouldn’t invite you. Have you talked to your bf about this? Number one thing to remember is this is an important day for her and her family. You say that your bf and his (ex?)-wife have been separated for 9 years, is that separated or divorced? How do you even stay just separated for 9 years, seems odd. It would seem without knowing anything about the situation that there might be something that makes the daughter think you shouldn’t be invited. Does she want to prevent issues between you and her mom? or her dad, mom and you? Other family members?

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    • avatar

      Addie Pray January 24, 2012, 3:17 pm

      Wait, there are two different ambers? Which one is the one that comments a lot?

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      • avatar

        Amber January 24, 2012, 3:22 pm

        I was one of the first commenters and I used to comment all the time (hence getting the capital “A” username ;-))

        Haven’t commented much in last few months.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray January 24, 2012, 3:24 pm

        I see. Well, if an addie pray shows up, that bitch is an impostor.

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh January 24, 2012, 3:48 pm

        i changed my name to jlyfsh so as not to confuse anyone again 🙂 i am going to miss amber a little bit…

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      • avatar

        amber January 24, 2012, 3:23 pm

        yeah we both commented a lot and I was even getting confused as to who was who! So I changed to a little a 🙂

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      • avatar

        redessa January 24, 2012, 7:12 pm

        My name is also Amber and sometimes I forget that I’m redessa here and think “Wait, did I post that?” LOL

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      • avatar

        amber January 24, 2012, 3:25 pm

        the little a with the jlyfsh (used to be a dog) is the one who has been commenting a lot recently 🙂

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray January 24, 2012, 4:00 pm

        and just a btw, by “the amber who comments a lot” i didn’t mean anything bad by it – i should have said “who comments appropriately with good stuff.”

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      • avatar

        jlyfsh January 24, 2012, 7:49 pm

        haha it’s ok no offense taken, also i changed me name to jlyfsh. hopefully i don’t blow anyone’s mind with the change!

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  • Crochet.Ninja

    Michelle.Lea January 24, 2012, 3:17 pm

    I have to agree with blues… however, as the wedding is still a bit away, perhaps she will come and talk to you herself? She may feel having you there will cause her mother stress, or the situation will be uncomfortable as you’ve only been with her dad for a year and a half. as a stepmom myself (though they’re much younger) there are things that you just have to let go, and not take personally, even when they hurt. while you and she may become friends at some point, it takes time to adjust and accept someone new, especially at her age.

    as much as it hurts, let it go, and dont hold it against her.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 January 24, 2012, 3:17 pm

    I 100% understand why your feelings are hurt; however, I’m going to guess that the previous commenters pretty much hit the nail on the head. Just because I understand how you feel doesn’t necessarily mean that I, therefore, think you’re entitled to an invitation. It does seem very odd that you didn’t provide any context elaborating on why you might not have been invited. What are your boyfriend’s thoughts on this?

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  • avatar

    Christy January 24, 2012, 3:17 pm

    There are bunches of questions that need answering. First I’ll post the questions about your relationship with the daughter:

    1. Do you interact with the daughter much?
    2. Does she seem to like you?
    3. Does her mother dislike you?
    4. Would her mother give an ultimatum (either LW or me)?
    5. How long have your bf and his ex been actually divorced?

    Now for the questions about the wedding:

    1. Is it a justice of the peace?
    2. How many guests?
    3. Is it a church wedding?
    4. Does the family disapprove of you “living in sin”?

    All of this boils down to the following: It’s unacceptable not to give a parent a “plus one” to a wedding. It’s childish.

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    • avatar

      Ktfran January 24, 2012, 3:24 pm

      Great questions Christy!

      Without extra information, it’s hard to offer advice. But I do agree that to not invite a parent’s partner seems rather childish. Still, LW, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Just plan a special weekend, away or at home, with some friends or family or by yourself and not think about the wedding. That’s what I would do anyway.

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    • avatar

      heidikins January 24, 2012, 3:56 pm

      Childish? That seems a bit harsh without knowing anything about the situation except for the LW and her BF have been dating for 1.5 years and he is separated from the mother of the bride. Childish? Really? There is WAY too many unknowns to make such a harsh call on the bride.

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      • avatar

        savannah January 24, 2012, 4:20 pm

        I think it is childish, because even if there are all of these unknowns, its a wedding, a few hours long, and adults would just suck it up and deal. I mean her father is living with this woman, she would have to be the woman he ran away from his wife with to get this kind of treatment.

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      • Budj

        Budj January 24, 2012, 4:22 pm

        I totally agree with you.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 24, 2012, 5:28 pm

        In a perfect world, yes, adults could suck it up, and the only reason a bride would not invite the gf is because she was being vindictive and childish. However, as someone who is in a similar situation as the daughter, I can tell you that while I like and would have no issue with my father’s girlfriend being at my wedding, not everyone in my family would feel the same. The headaches would be big enough that if I were the daughter, I’d totally say “f-it”, and not invite the girlfriend. Is that “fair”? Well no, but if it came down between appeasing my mother’s side of the family, who’ve been with me always, or appeasing a girlfriend I’ve met a handle of times over a year and a half, guess what, I’m going with my family.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl January 24, 2012, 5:35 pm

        Totally agree, and that’s what I was trying to get at…as objective as we’d like to be, in the bride’s eyes this is probably a matter of trying to avoid as much drama and headache as possible at her wedding. The potential side effects of inviting the girlfriend are WAY worse than the potential side effects of not inviting her.

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  • avatar

    Christy January 24, 2012, 3:20 pm

    I’m speaking here as a child of divorce. The only parent’s significant other I wouldn’t have invited to my wedding was my mother’s third husband, who I truly despised. Everyone else? No problem. So I imagine this speaks to a poor relationship with the daughter.

    To this day, I will not interact with my mother’s third husband (who is now her third ex-husband).

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  • Budj

    Budj January 24, 2012, 3:21 pm

    Agreed. No context of the relationship with your bf’s daughter makes it hard to say what is going on here… Is it wrong you aren’t invited? Depending on the context of the relationship yes…in fact…in most scenarios I would say it is wrong to exclude you…but there are a lot of circumstances that would justify this situation which we aren’t aware of.

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  • avatar

    HelloJello January 24, 2012, 3:22 pm

    You make no mention of your relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter. Maybe you just aren’t close enough to her to be invited. After only a year, its not an automatic that you would be.

    I know of several marriages that have ended in perpetual separation, but never actually wind up as divorce. My experience is that for most of these official occasions, like a wedding, the new partners aren’t invited. It’s unfortunate, but the truth is, it’s what his daughter wants that really matters. My guess is, she wants her mother there, and thinks it might be uncomfortable if you attend.

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    • avatar

      Amber January 24, 2012, 3:28 pm

      “You make no mention of your relationship with your boyfriend’s daughter.”

      Exactly. She’s basing the feeling that she should be invited on the fact that she’s lived with her boyfriend for a year, which really isn’t relevant. She didn’t write in saying “I have this great and close relationship with my boyfriend’s daughter and she didn’t invite me to her wedding!”

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph January 24, 2012, 10:06 pm

        Because if you have a great, close relationship with someone then you don’t need to ask Wendy what to do, you talk to the freaking person.

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    • bagge72

      Bagge72 January 25, 2012, 10:18 am

      That, and the daughter probably wasn’t that happy that you moved in with her father after only dating 6 months, it is probably hard for her to even take it seriously.

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl January 24, 2012, 3:25 pm

    I’m going to go along with everyone else here…you didn’t give enough information for any of us to give a good response.

    However- it’s the bride’s day and unless you’re paying for some of the wedding she gets to decide if she invited you or not. You in no way are entitled to an invitation to anyone’s wedding. Ever.

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      va-in-ny January 24, 2012, 4:00 pm

      “You in no way are entitled to an invitation to anyone’s wedding. Ever.”

      This this, all of this! Also applies to “being a bridesmaid/groomsman/flower girl/etc.”

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 24, 2012, 4:33 pm

        I agree. My BF’s sister didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding (BF and I have been together for 4 years fyi) and I was soooooo okay with it. But she was super worried I’d be mad! It’s your day- do what ever you and your future hubby want!

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    • katie

      katie January 24, 2012, 9:40 pm

      yes to your last sentence!! i will never understand why people think that they should get an invite just because they are who they are (aunt, uncle, whatever).

      being invited to a wedding is about seeing someone who you love and support get married. if you dont know said someone, how can you really love and support them getting married?

      for example, i will be inviting one of my ex’s mother to my hypothetical future wedding. she has been such a huge part of my life- even now after me and her son have broken up. but my “family” who i have met once? sorry, no. i cant feel true love and support from people i have met once…

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  • avatar

    oldie January 24, 2012, 3:25 pm

    I agree with what everyone else has written, including that you wrote way to little for anyone to be able to give you a well thought out answer. I’ll just comment on your signature. You at least recognize that you are not her step-Mom, but I don’t see how you qualify as her pseudo-step-Mom, unless daughter has been living with you and her father. She was an adult when you met her father. You’re not her father’s wife, you’re his relatively-short duration live-in gf. The daughter wants a zero-conflict, all her family around her, wedding — or at least that is what most brides want. You are not a part of her family. Doubtless her mother expressed a preference that you not be there. The fact that you used Step-Mom in your signature suggests that you see your presence at the wedding as some sort of validation of your relationship with your bf.

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    • avatar

      Morgan January 24, 2012, 3:28 pm

      FYI, sometimes Wendy writes those, and sometimes the LW does. Not sure which was the case here, obviously.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant January 24, 2012, 4:06 pm

      “You at least recognize that you are not her step-Mom, but I don’t see how you qualify as her pseudo-step-Mom, unless daughter has been living with you and her father.”

      THANK YOU. My parents split up when I was an adult, and my father is now in a serious relationship with another woman. She’s very nice, she makes my Dad happier than I’ve ever seen him, but she feels the need to push a “motherly” sort of relationship with me. Its odd, and I don’t appreciate it. She had no part in raising me, I didn’t meet her until my mid-twenties. Please stop trying to mother me! We can be great friends, but try to connect with how I am now, a grown-up.

      I can totally feel the boyfriend daughter’s pain. While I won’t be getting married anytime soon, I just cringe about thinking how I will deal with my father’s girlfriend. Again, I like her, I recognize her importance in my father’s life, but my parents divorce was messy, and there would be a ton of drama if she came. If push came to shove, I’d probably not invite her in favor of the family I grew-up with. Sorry, it wouldn’t be personal, but if I were put in that position, the family members who have known and loved me since birth would come before someone I met (but still like and appreciate!) a year and a half ago.

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  • avatar

    Amy January 24, 2012, 3:33 pm

    This could be a great opportunity to improve your relationship with the boyfriend’s daughter. Be graceful, polite, caring, and accept her decision. If you start being snarky and hateful – she’ll remember it forever! Just be classy – I’m sure it’s a bit of a slap in the face to not being invited, but at the point all you can do is behave yourself as best that you can and let it go. I am sorry that you have hurt feelings though.

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    • avatar

      MissDre January 24, 2012, 3:48 pm

      Yep, I agree with this 100%

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie January 24, 2012, 3:33 pm

    His daughter’s an adult and has been so for longer then the LW’s been in her Dad’s life. I don’t think this gives her validity to be called a step mother. The wedding is the bride and grooms prerogative in all matters. The tone of the letter hints that her exclusion may be well placed.

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  • avatar

    D January 24, 2012, 3:37 pm

    Wait – he’s been separated for nine years … is there a clarification that the boyfriend and the daughter’s mother were ever married in the first place? We need more info, LW!

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  • avatar

    MissDre January 24, 2012, 3:39 pm

    Oh man… people’s responses that “you’re not entitled to be there” make me feel a lot better about not being invited to my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding. I figured I wasn’t invited because it’s a destination wedding and even tho I’ve been with my BF going on 2 years I’ve only met her twice, but when people ask if I’m going and I say no, they act all shocked, like it’s a disgrace that I wasn’t invited, and it’s been bugging me!

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    • landygirl

      landygirl January 24, 2012, 3:42 pm

      On the bright side, you don’t have to spend money on a gift.

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        MissDre January 24, 2012, 3:44 pm

        LoL… I was actually thinking the appropriate thing to do would be to send a gift along anyway… just wasn’t sure what yet.

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didnt January 24, 2012, 4:31 pm

        I think sending a gift would still be a lovely gesture! And it would show that you for sure had no hard feelings about the lack of invite (if the bride was at all concerned). Definite brownie points, either way though.

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        GatorGirl January 24, 2012, 4:59 pm

        I think a well thought out gift and a nice handwritten note of congratulations would really be appropriet. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, just be really thoughtful. Plus it will give you some gold stars with the family.

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      silver_dragon_girl January 24, 2012, 3:53 pm

      I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Destination weddings are often REALLY expensive and the numbers can be really tight, and if she’s only met you a couple times it’s totally understandable. I think when it’s a numbers thing the “plus ones” are usually the first to go, probably.

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    mirage14 January 24, 2012, 3:53 pm

    My family just went through something similar with my cousin – his parents have been divorced for approximately 10 years, and both live with significant others. Now, my uncle and his girlfriend have a somewhat dramatic relationship, and originally his girlfriend (who he lives with) was not invited.

    My cousin insisted that she be invited, but given the drama we’ve seen in the past, she should have respectfully declined. Ultimately, she went to the wedding, drama ensued, and her and my uncle acted like they were in high school, tears included.

    Without knowing your relationship to your boyfriend’s daughter, or how your relationship with him is perceived by the immediate family, it’s hard to give a good opinion, but in light of my own experiences, I would say that you need to accept this gracefully and let it go. It may hurt, but stirring up any sort of issue between father and daughter is never a good idea. If your boyfriend is offended by his daughter not inviting you, then he has a right to say something, but you do not.

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    Muffy January 24, 2012, 3:54 pm

    I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. Are you always going to be excluded from his family gatherings? Are you ready to deal with that if that’s the case? Is he upset that you have not been included? Does he want you to come or is he leaving the situation up to your daughter? Has this happened during other occasions? It might just be that the daughter really does not want you at her wedding for whatever reason (she doesn’t know you, the mother doesn’t like you, she doesn’t like you etc) but if you get excluded from other events then you really need to talk to you boyfriend about including you in his life. You are not something to hide.
    But I think most importantly you need to realize that when you get involved with a broken family things are not always going to go smoothly. You will not always be welcomed with open arms just becuase they’ve been split for 9 year

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      SpaceySteph January 24, 2012, 10:11 pm

      I think you ask good questions for the LW in general, but that they don’t really apply to this case.
      Does that even make sense?… If she is going to be left out of all family things and the boyfriend doesn’t even care to include her, then yes she should get out now. But for a wedding, especially if he isn’t paying for it, he really doesn’t get a say. And the bride might be perfectly happy having Thanksgiving dinner with the LW but that doesn’t mean she wants her at her wedding. Especially if her mom isn’t ok with it, or if its really small, or whatever. So yes, good questions, but the wedding is a step aside from all other “family gatherings.” Its also not the time to get bent out of shape and make it about you, LW.

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      • katie

        katie January 24, 2012, 11:29 pm

        yes!!

        a wedding is seen by most every woman as the “perfect” day in her life. while that can bring out the worst of the bridezillas, i think that on the flip side it gives any bride the right to atleast have the people there that she actually wants. and to not have people there that she doesnt want there…

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      ele4phant January 25, 2012, 2:51 am

      I agree the only person the LW should be having a conversation with is the BF, not the daughter.

      Maybe I’m just projecting my own situation here, but it’s entirely possible that the issue is with the Mom’s family, not the daughter. There’s no way the daughter could pick her father’s girlfriend against the wishes of her mom’s family for her wedding. If its just the mom’s family that is the issue, how often will they ever need to deal with these people? They are no longer the BF’s family, so this may be the only occasion where they’ll be coming together. Even if there’s grandkids down the line, visits can happen separately, holidays can be split. If the daughter is open to having a relationship with the LW, there are other days, other holidays, other ceremonies that will not involve her Mom’s side of the family that the LW can be part of.

      Even if the daughter is theoretically cool with the LW and its her mom’s family putting up the resistance, if the LW complains directly to the daughter, she’ll put the bride between a rock and a hard place (“Great both my family AND my dad’s girlfriend are being impossible babies. So much for a stress free wedding”). If she forces the bride chose between her, a relatively new presence in her life, and her mom’s side of the family, guess who’s going to lose?

      Then again, its entirely possible that it is the daughter that has the problem. If so, and the BF is unwilling or unable to advocate for her, its completely fair for the LW to evaluate if dealing with cold shoulder from her SO’s family for the rest of her life is worth it. Her future with the BF (and her role with his children), is something that should only really be discussed between the two of them.

      No matter why the LW didn’t get an invite, she shouldn’t approach the daughter. That has backfire written all over it.

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  • avatar

    heidikins January 24, 2012, 3:58 pm

    Take the higher road. Send her a lovely wedding gift and a card with genuine congratulations and support. Regardless of whether she invites you to her wedding (or wedding shower, or bachelorette party, or whatever), that is the classy thing to do.

    xox

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      MiMi January 24, 2012, 5:38 pm

      Absolutely! Be classy, take the high road, and don’t make your man pay for his daughter’s choices. While long-term partners (especially live-ins) should be invited per standard wedding etiquette protocol, you are never going to win against whatever is going on here: immature bride, crazed mother to placate, a lingering fantasy that the parents will get back together someday, etc. Plan a getaway or spa visit for the wedding weekend and do whatever you can to not take this personally.

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    Turtledove January 24, 2012, 3:59 pm

    With the information provided, it’s next to impossible to tell if this is a deliberate snub. Your best course of action is to talk to your boyfriend about it– he can likely elaborate on why you’re not invited, and he’s the only one in a position to do anything about it if you are being snubbed. Either way, you should take the high road. If your relationship with your boyfriend matters to you, you should be graceful and accepting of his family.

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    Pinky January 24, 2012, 3:59 pm

    This letter bugs me. When I got married, I had a TINY ceremony in my backyard. People DEMANDED invitations. One couple wouldn’t take “no” for an answer and showed up anyway, even without an invitation. I had a reception on a different day and people wrote in all kinds of extra guests on the RSVP forms, if they bothered to RSVP at all.

    So, I’m guessing that the bride-to-be hates people right now. She’s probably at stress saturation point and really doesn’t want to deal with her not-divorced-yed dad’s girlfriend or her second cousin’s next-door-neighbor or the co-worker who doesn’t pronounce her name correctly, or anybody else who expects an invitation.

    So, cut the bride-to-be some slack. Schedule a spa day or watch a TV marathon. You don’t have to eat crappy reception food or do the chicken dance or choke down nasty dry wedding cake.

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      Renee January 24, 2012, 4:04 pm

      Agree.

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      mcminnem January 24, 2012, 6:05 pm

      You actually had people crash your wedding? Do people not get that things are, like, PLANNED? I’m no where near getting married and the idea of that makes me want to punch people through the internet.

      Out of curiosity, are you still friends with any of these colossally inconsiderate people?

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      • avatar

        ArtsyGirly January 24, 2012, 6:48 pm

        I had a friend that married a man in Mexico (where he was from). Even though it was a formal wedding they had a horrible time with party crashers! The bride asked us not to tell townspeople when the wedding and reception was because people would just show up for food – she said most Mexican weddings are a lot less formal, where the entire community is invited. As it was, there were a bunch (about 10) people who were in a program they had been in (though had never met the couple getting married) who showed up. They had driven multiple hours so the bride felt like she couldn’t kick them out and had to scramble to make room for them in the hotel and extra seating. They were American and should have known better and they didn’t even bother to bring gifts.

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        Pinky January 24, 2012, 8:54 pm

        Yes, I’m still friends with them, well, mostly just her. Her husband came along for the ride. She honestly had the best intentions even if she came across like a steamroller (boundaries, people, really). She was trying to protect me from my difficult mother. My mother behaves herself in public, but not in private. My friend took it upon herself to make sure that she sat next to my mother and kept her entertained all day. Sooooo, while I was ticked at the time, I do see where she was coming from. Nevertheless, we had WORDS. After the WORDS, she indicated how relieved that she was that I’m capable of getting angry.

        *sigh* People are funny.

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    Renee January 24, 2012, 3:59 pm

    Default is that she should, but there are thousands of valid reasons why she doesn’t have to that you are not at fault for.

    Does it suck you are not present at your boyfriend’ daughter’s wedding? Yea, but as her wedding date comes around it may become more evident why (nothing of your own fault) or she maybe as things come together she relax and feel like to control things.

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    • avatar

      Renee January 24, 2012, 4:02 pm

      Oops…

      As thing come together, she will change her mind.

      You not being invited may become very low on the priority list.

      Can’t force an invite though, so don’t.

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  • avatar

    GertietheDino January 24, 2012, 4:00 pm

    Nope, you’re the whore who stole daddy from mommy (I’m being factious, but seriously). If they are separated, they aren’t divorced and you are technically his mistress. Would you want your dad’s mistress at your wedding with your MOM there too. Think about it sweetheart.

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  • avatar

    Elle Marie January 24, 2012, 4:05 pm

    At the end of the day, whatever the reasons behind it – you are upset over not being invited, but it’s not your place to say anything to the daughter or other people involved in planning the wedding. What you should do is talk about it (not accuse, or harp on and on about) with your boyfriend. Just say, “Hey, I understand that I’m not invited, and I feel a bit hurt by that. What do you think about it?” and see what happens. If he wants you to be there, it is his place to bring it up with his daughter. It sounds like there could be an emotional minefield at this wedding, and it could be that he even suggested not inviting you as a measure to keep the peace. Without discussing it, you just don’t know. And given how complicated planning a wedding as a child of divorced parents can be (seriously, look up some of the posts on A Practical Wedding about this topic), it is most likely about trying to minimize drama and the hurt feelings of other people, rather than trying to hurt your feelings. Wedding are incredibly, stupidly complicated, and sometimes people do really, really weird things that wind up causing hurt feelings all over the place.

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    iseeshiny January 24, 2012, 4:31 pm

    Are you just looking for validation? Because the question you asked isn’t actually looking for advice. It sounds like you’re looking for internet strangers to agree with you so you can feel justified in trying to pressure the daughter for an invite. Don’t do that. Even if everyone on the internet agreed she was an ungrateful child and you were a victim of her selfishness and that you should be invited it won’t change the fact that it’s her wedding and she doesn’t want you there. It hurts, but she doesn’t owe you anything, not even as her dad’s girlfriend.

    The more I read this, the more the lack of details makes me think that she has a very good reason to not invite you, and that you’re trying to turn it into some sort of black-and-white issue where you can claim to be a wounded party. I’m sorry if this is a wrong assumption, but you haven’t given us much to work with.

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  • avatar

    TheGirl January 24, 2012, 4:50 pm

    Sorry, LW the DW community has spoken! She is under no obligation to invite you, particularly if her mom has a problem with dad having a new live-in girlfriend. She’s got to invite her mom and is probably looking for a drama free day. Cut her some slack. Send a gift and a nice card wishing her happiness and then book yourself a spa day or something.

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      MissDre January 24, 2012, 4:53 pm

      Now I want to book myself a spa day…

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      Kristen January 24, 2012, 4:57 pm

      This is spot on. The last thing the boyfriend’s daughter wants to worry about on her wedding day is whether her mom is feeling awkward, or if her family is getting along. If the LW knows she might make things uncomfortable for people, she should gracefully offer her congratulations and make other plans for that day. It’s probably not even about how good of a relationship she has with her boyfriend, or with her boyfriend’s daughter. It’s simply that not inviting the LW will save the bride a lot of stress and headaches on her wedding day.

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  • avatar

    Ktfran January 24, 2012, 5:56 pm

    I think some are being overly harsh to this LW. Is her e-mail abrasive? Yes, a little. And I could see how it would rub some the wrong way. But at the same time, I’m looking past her writing style and understanding how she might be a little hurt by this gesture.

    I really like others advice about broaching the subject with your boyfriend, LW. Understanding that there is not much you can do. And be the bigger person and wish the daughter happiness.

    In a perfect wold, divorced or seperated parents would get along. Children would not be put in the middle. People would understand the importance of a loved one’s relationship with someone else. Even if he or she doesn’t agree with it. This isn’t always the case.

    It has been said on here before by me and others and I think it’s importat to repeat . . . you can’t control others actions, but you can control how you react. Again, be happy for your boyfriends daughter and wish her well. Also, as others have said, scheule a day at the spa. Or a weekend get a way. Or a girls night out. Whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. And enjoy that time. Don’t stew and be angry.

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      oldie January 24, 2012, 6:35 pm

      The other issue might be who is paying for the wedding. If Dad is paying part, then he gets to bring whomever he chooses. Still, it promises to be awkward if your bf and his daughter’s Mom are, in fact, still married. If some combination of Mom or the bride and future husband, then it is entirely their call.

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        oldie January 24, 2012, 6:37 pm

        Interesting, the LW never actually states that her bf is disappointed that she won’t be in attendance. Just an omission, or the key issue in this whole scenario? Does bf find LW’s presence awkward and something he’ll spend all day explaining to/arguing with his family?

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed January 24, 2012, 6:40 pm

      I understand the hurt, but it seems like she feels *entitled* to go to the wedding, which she is most certainly not.

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  • avatar

    jaybro January 24, 2012, 7:07 pm

    It’s possible that the daughter is considering you her dad’s automatic “plus one”. If so, don’t get offended that you weren’t extended a personal invitation.

    It’s also possible that she doesn’t want you there. If so, don’t get offended that she doesn’t want her wedding to revolve around her parents’ drama.

    Either way, don’t be offended. It’s just a wedding, one day out of many, and if it means that much to you (and by it I mean the actual marriage of your boyfriend’s daughter and her husband), there are plenty of other ways to support her other than going to her wedding.

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  • avatar

    Lucy January 24, 2012, 7:22 pm

    I feel like the only commenter who thinks his is really rude on the part of the bride. Unless there is some bitter and twisted backstory between these two, or there are no plus-1s invited at all, then no way is it anything but rude to exclude her father’s long-term girlfriend from the wedding. Obv there’s nothing the LW can do about the fact that her bf’s daughter is being so rude, but IMO this is a red flag that she’ll always be treated like an outsider by her bf’s family, and he’s not likely to stand up for their relationship.

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      jlyfsh January 24, 2012, 7:54 pm

      that’s the thing though from the letter we have no idea what kind of relationship they have. if there is drama surrounding the mother and father it is the bride’s perogative to keep her day as calm as possible. does it suck for the lw, sure, but at the end of the day it’s not her wedding.

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed January 24, 2012, 7:58 pm

      We also don’t know the LW relationship with the bride

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed January 24, 2012, 7:59 pm

        *LW’s

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle January 25, 2012, 8:55 am

      Lucy– I agree with you. Granted, there’s not many details in this letter, but with the information we have I’d also say it’s pretty rude for the bride not to include this woman.

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  • avatar

    jubietta January 24, 2012, 8:16 pm

    I have a feeling this isn’t the first or last time the LW will have trouble like this.

    It sucks to not have all of the rights and priveledges of a serious, long-term relationship. I think the seed of this problem is in a choice the LW and her BF made to have the relationship they have (as opposed to a more traditional “we’re engaged” or “we’re married” type of thing), and this is the ugli-fruit that comes from such a plant. And don’t get me wrong, ugli fruit can be a good thing…it just has a hard time being accepted in a world full of apples and oranges that are easily recognized and easily labeled and placed in the appropriate bin at the produce stand.

    LW, in addition to the advice given above to take the high road and finding alternative entertainment for the day, I think this is a great opportunity for you to assess your primary relationship with your BF. On one hand you could take the time to list out all the great things about your relationship, and get a firm grasp about how the way things are now are so much better than they would be if y’all had a traditional relationship (and all of the consequences associated with that choice as they might be for your unique situation). Or you could use this as a piece of evidence in a conversation where you and the BF discuss whether your current situation is truly the best thing, and what might be better.

    Depending on how the uglis and the apples stack up, this might just be your wake-up call. If being at your BF’s daughter’s wedding is so dang important, maybe you need to find an new relationship where that family dynamic is welcome. If not, count your blessings, send a thoughtful gift in the celebration of love (may I suggest a basket of ugli) and have a great spa day.

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      GatorGirl January 25, 2012, 9:44 am

      “It sucks to not have all of the rights and priveledges of a serious, long-term relationship. I think the seed of this problem is in a choice the LW and her BF made to have the relationship they have (as opposed to a more traditional “we’re engaged” or “we’re married” type of thing)”

      I don’t know about this sentence. The LW says they have been together for a year and a half. I think saying they decided to have a non-traditional relationship is off the mark. While 1.5 years is a substantial amount of time, a lot of people (in all age ranges) date for that long. I agree the LW should talk to her BF and make sure this was the brides decision and not a subtle message from the BF, but calling this non-traditional relationship is a stretch. In my opinion.

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  • katie

    katie January 24, 2012, 9:48 pm

    i echo what others have said about weddings- the bride says what happens. if she doesnt want you there, for whatever reasons -it doesnt even matter what they are- you should graciously accept the terms and send a nice card or gift.

    if you want some insight into dealing with people like you, as a bride, please go search some wedding blogs (i love offbeatbride) about difficult guests, how to trim guest lists, ect… there is much much more at play here then just you.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay January 24, 2012, 10:03 pm

    What would the etiquette books say, I don’t know. But does she have a right to not invite you? Yes. You may feel that you’ve been in your relationship for a long time, but to a girl who’s obviously known her dad for 26 years, she’s not going to look at it that way and you’re not legally her stepmother. There are a lot of variables here. Maybe if she’d grown up with you, it’d be different. Or if you and her dad were married. Or if you’d been together for 10 years. We don’t even know what your relationship is like with her. You don’t say that you’re surprised, just hurt, so it makes me think that you’re not super close. At 26, I assume she sees you only rarely.

    From a personal standpoint, my father has been remarried for 10 years after divorcing my mom 14 years ago. I’ve spent a lot of time with my stepmom. She and I get along fine. (I think she’s slightly crazy, and she seems to get irritated with me fairly easily, but whatever.) Obviously, if I get married, she’ll be invited. But honestly, I’ve considered eloping (not seriously because I’m not anywhere close to marriage) because I don’t want to have to deal with my mom and stepmom at the same time, or the idea that everyone is going to expect me to treat my stepmom like a mother figure.

    My point is: Respect his daughter’s wishes. Don’t let this ruin your relationship, particularly if you plan on sticking around for a while. Understand that it isn’t even necessarily about you — there are a lot of complications and feelings that come along with having divorced and remarried parents that make a lot of life events really awkward and weird.

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      ele4phant January 24, 2012, 10:22 pm

      Totally get you on the eloping bit. I’m not getting married anytime soon, but I will be graduating from grad school in the (hopefully) not too distant future, and I am not entirely sure how to handle that. I may just lie and say I can get two tickets. I think my Mom and Dad would be fine alone, at least for a few hour graduation ceremony, but I shudder to think about the combination of Mom AND Dad AND Girlfriend AND Siblings who still have resentments AND Mom’s Sisters.

      Its a minefield I just don’t want to deal with.

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  • avatar

    Sarah January 25, 2012, 1:55 am

    Wow, I completely disagree with the general attitude of this thread, and am really shocked at how many people think that because it’s the ‘bride’s big day’ she can do ANYTHING she wants.

    Couples who are married, engaged, living together, or have been together for a long time should always be treated as a unit when invited to social functions like weddings. While the ‘long time’ is ambiguous and could result in disagreement, the OP has been living with her boyfriend for a year. That means that she is a SIGNIFICANT other and should not be treated like a casual fling. To not invite your great-aunt-Martha-you’ve-met-twice is reasonable, but to not invite your father’s live-in girlfriend is just really rude: couples are treated as a unit for big social functions.

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      Emsz January 25, 2012, 4:27 am

      If the parents are only separated and not divorced, then she doesn’t have a leg to stand on with regards to the social unit rule. The girlfriend can’t be a social unit with a married man. That’s just not how it works.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle January 25, 2012, 9:01 am

        “Couples who are married, engaged, living together, or have been together for a long time should always be treated as a unit when invited to social functions like weddings”

        Sarah– agree, agree, agree. I just looked at this letter & thread and am also kind of surprised at how many people are saying things like “her day, her say, don’t complain” basically. She’s been with her father for a year! Living with him! If he’s going, then she should automatically be the plus-one.

        I get that it might be a small wedding, but I believe pretty strongly that you should never invite only one half of an established couple.

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        kittyk January 25, 2012, 10:53 am

        You and Sarah are missing the key point here that everyone is trying to make- that this is the father of the bride’s girlfriend and the family dynamics might be such that the relationship between her and the LW or her and LW’s mother (BF’s ex) is strained and her not receiving an invitation might be warranted to some degree. Maybe her mother never got over the separation and having her father’s GF there would cause some drama and unnecessary stress on her wedding day.

        The LW gives no details and generally has your same attitude that simply because she is his GF she is entitled to an invite. The mere fact that she isn’t invited while clearly having an established relationship with someone close to the bride is what leads most on here to believe that there is more to this situation.

        I would agree generally that it is somewhat rude to not invite half of an established couple- I’d be miffed if my BF of 5 years wasn’t personally invited or at least extended a +1 to wedding. But this is a specific situation and the bride likely has a reason for not extending the invite.

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      ele4phant January 25, 2012, 11:02 am

      Well, you can’t exactly run up to the bride with the etiquette book and expect her to reverse her decision, now can you?

      I personally think there may be a valid reason why the bride didn’t invite her (entirely possible that her Mom’s family is demanding the LW not be there), but even if the only reason she wasn’t invited was because the bride is being childish, the LW can’t argue her way to the wedding, even if she SHOULD be invited.

      Talk to the BF, find out way, but the LW shouldn’t approach the bride.

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    • avatar

      oldie January 25, 2012, 12:43 pm

      If the bride is reasonably religious in other than a rather liberal denomination and intent on being joined with her husband in the eyes of God, then she may very well consider the live-in significant other of the man who is actually still married to her mother as an allowable departure from the plain vanilla etiquette that a live-in SO must always be included in an invitation.

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  • kare

    Kare January 25, 2012, 2:45 am

    Who is paying for the wedding? Obviously if the MOTB is really involved in the wedding (paying, planning, etc.), she’s going to have a say in the guest list. Don’t stress, send a lovely card and gift, and be glad you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of in a room where half of the people probably don’t like you.

    Oh and not that it matters too much, but how close are you to the daughter’s age? I’m guessing if you’re younger than her father/close enough in age to be her sister, there’s likely some issues there.

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    Mwalt January 25, 2012, 6:20 am

    What does your boyfriend have to say about all this? And you say separated, but I guess there is no divorce? Maybe that has something to do with it.

    Look, maybe you’ve been a brat and she doesn’t want you there. Maybe her mom is still reeling over the 9 years of separation and is paying for the wedding. Maybe she doesn’t approve because you are young enough to be her big sister. Maybe we are all wrong here and you’ve been nothing but a doting friend and this is a slap in the face. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

    But the fact is, you don’t have much to say. You aren’t officially part of her family, and for whatever reason, she doesn’t want you to be there. It’s not an action of a bridezilla to not want Dad’s latest fling (if that’s what she thinks is going on) to be in attendance at a lifechanging event, with the expectation of being in photos etc. I find it hard to believe that this is a HUGE shock to you, so I hope you send us an update with more info.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle January 25, 2012, 9:07 am

      If the bride wants to think the LW is just a fling when she’s been living with her father for over a year, then I think the bride’s the one being bratty. Also, being separated and being separated for NINE YEARS are two totally different things.

      I would like to hear an update too, though– hopefully with some more details– AND I’m also really curious as to what the father (LW’s bf) is saying about this situation. Even just a description of his reaction would tell us a lot more.

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      • avatar

        GertietheDino January 25, 2012, 12:00 pm

        The bride may be holding out for mom and dad to get back together – if they have not divorced after this long…

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    SweetPea January 25, 2012, 9:18 am

    From what little information is given, I think that nobody can really blame you for feeling hurt, perturbed, and a little slighted by this situation. You feel like an important part of your boyfriend’s life and for his family to not recognize that is probably very frustrating to you.

    That all being said, there’s not much you can do about it. Your boyfriend can hardly force his daughter to invite you. And I’m sure even if he convinced her to, there’s a chance you’d feel very uncomfortable at that wedding. I, for one, do not like going places I’m not *really* welcome.

    So, what can you do? I definitely give you permission to have a little bit of a pity party. Try to vent to your friends and do whatever you have to do to get your frustrations out… privately. Try not to let much of this show to your boyfriend. He should be able to celebrate his daughter’s wedding without guilt. He probably already feels bad enough about the family drama that seems to be present.

    I would also suggest trying to work on the relationship with the daughter if you plan on being with her Dad long-term. Not as a way to get an invite to the wedding. Send her a card and small token as congratulations on her marriage. Maybe at some point after the wedding is done, invite her and her husband over for dinner. Make an effort to be genuinely friendly. At some point, I think she will come to accept you as a part of her Dad’s life and things will improve.

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    Poicelle January 25, 2012, 10:01 am

    As someone who is trying to plan a wedding – I SUPER agree with everyone who is telling the LW to leave this alone. The bride may not be being rude by not inviting you – you leave out details about the size of the wedding or how you get along with the rest of the family (including your bf’s wife/her mother). I’m planning a relatively small wedding, and I’m sure that there will be people (friends and family) who will be upset about not being one of the few who get an invitation. If this is a “budget” wedding, she may not be able to invite every single person she “should”, but instead invites the people she feels must be there with her. And, frankly, if you don’t get along with your bf’s wife or the rest of the family, perhaps she’s just looking to avoid some kind of dramatic showdown at her wedding, or unpleasantness, and just wants to have a nice few hours celebrating.

    I think sometimes its easy from the outside looking in to look at someone doing guest list cutting, etc. as a “bridezilla” but sometimes you’re just trying not to go broke or not to piss too many people off. Honestly – right now the only thing that’s driving my wedding planning is how expensive these plans are and who we can not invite without causing a big problem.

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      GatorGirl January 25, 2012, 10:36 am

      I’m guest list slashing as well- and man is it hard. Trying to plan a small budget wedding when you have close family that exceeds 150 people between the two of us mean I have to leave some peope out. Some people are getting left out because of the drama too. I want to spend my wedding day surrounded by the people who love us as a couple and support my marraige and have been major influences in one of our lives.

      Also I would like to not go into debt because I have to invite so-and-so and there 9 kids.

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        Poicelle January 25, 2012, 9:36 pm

        Exactly! I never realized just how expensive having even a small wedding is. And the guest list issues!! There’s the family symmetry – if I want my aunt and uncle there, I feel like I have to invite all of my fiance’s aunts and uncles (even those he’s not remotely close to). And then there are the friends …we have a short list of close friends who we know are MUST invites…and then we have the friends we see relatively often who seem to be assuming that they’re automatic invites. I even told one of them “oh, right now we’re thinking a VERY small destination wedding with JUST family” and she responded “yay! vacation!” Oy. What a headache.

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    anon January 25, 2012, 10:44 am

    Something that caught my eye in this thread is the number of people calling the bride childish and selfish and bridezilla. We don’t know what kind of relationship the bride has with LW. I was in a similar situation with my college graduation. My Dad had been dating a woman for almost a year (2 years after my mom passed away), and since I was away at school during this time, I had only met my Dad’s girlfriend twice. When it came time for me to invite people to my college graduation, I made it clear that I did not want his girlfriend at the graduation because this was a significant event in my life that I wanted to share with my dad, brother, and uncle (my mom’s youngest brother who I’m very close with).

    If this bride does not know the LW very well and is following the old etiquette rule where you only invite plus ones, family or otherwise, if someone is engaged or married, then I think she has a right to do so. I think it’s telling that LW did not mention her relationship with the bride.

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      Calliopedork January 25, 2012, 1:24 pm

      Im sure your dads girlfriend wad just as hurt by that as the lw. Just because you technically have a right to do something does not make it less mean

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        anon January 25, 2012, 3:44 pm

        Calliope – maybe she was hurt, but what I did was not mean. I had only met her twice and it would have been very painful to introduce her to my friends at that point as were all still grieving from my mom’s death. Not having her at the actual graduation ceremony was the best decision at the time. When my Dad had a graduation party for me at our house with family and friends, she was of course included in that and there wasn’t any drama.

        Fast forward 4 years and my Dad is now married to above mentioned girlfriend. I’ve spent more time with her and developed a relationship, and was thrilled to have her at my law school graduation. My point in my earlier post was that I do not think it is mean for a daughter in this situation to not invite her father’s girlfriend who she does not have a relationship with to a significant event in her life. LW didn’t say whether or not she’s spent any time with her bf’s daughter so we don’t have that information. I’m just saying that based on my personal situation, I made the right decision at the time.

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    wendyblueeyes January 25, 2012, 10:51 am

    The bride knows something you don’t…..perhaps her mother is a drama queen. Perhaps her mother threatened not to come if you were there. Perhaps her father would want to include you in the wedding photos and she doesn’t want her memories of that day to include her father’s live-in girlfriend. Not fiancee, not wife, just the live-in. Sorry if that hurts, but it’s the truth. You are just a girlfriend for the moment. I’m sure over the past 9 years there have been a few. She knows you could be out of the picture in a year or two.

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    AKchic January 25, 2012, 12:30 pm

    How old are YOU? I mean, seriously, this letter sounds like it could have been written by a young woman complaining she didn’t get invited to a high school party and all of her friends did.

    You don’t give us much to go on. What kind of wedding is this? Who is paying for this? Is your BF actually divorced from the mother of the bride, or just legally separated? Is this a big wedding or a small one? Are you even close to the bride?

    Do you realize that you never once called your BF’s daughter by her name, not even once? To me, that suggests that you two aren’t close. Yet you expect to attend her wedding. As what, exactly? As a regular guest, sitting away from her father (who will more than likely be sitting in the front row, with the MOTHER OF THE BRIDE)?
    You leave a lot out, mainly to hope to attract some sort of internet ire/sympathy for your butt-hurt feelings. Get over yourself. You’ve been with her father fro 18 months in the 9 years her dad and mom have been SEPARATED (note you didn’t say divorced, so I’m assuming they’ve been divorced less than 9 years, if at all). I have no doubt that there have been other women before you since her mother, and more than likely, there will be other women after you. Especially since you didn’t say you were his fiancee.

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  • Firegirl32

    Firegirl32 January 25, 2012, 1:03 pm

    Ok. I’ve been your boyfriends daughter (not, like really, but…) I made it a point to NOT invite my dad’s wife to my wedding. As in – I sent an ivite with a note saying he could come, if he did not bring her. Reasoning: She was a mega bitch. She was always mean to my brother and I. Hell, when they got married, she made my dad tell us that we no longer needed to visit him because they were starting their own family…we didn’t talk for 15 years because of that. And overall, I hated her. It was my day, and I wasn’t inviting anyone else I didn’t like, so why should I have invited her? And you know what, she would have played the, “oh, I’m the victim, they’re just so mean and I’m misunderstood” card. So, if it’s what the LW wants, on her day, to avoid drama and everything else that comes along with inviting someone she doesn’t want there, give it to her.

    But that’s just my two – colored biased – cents.

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    Bossy Italian Wife January 25, 2012, 1:24 pm

    She might just be protecting herself, to be honest. My mother insisted her boyfriend be invited to our wedding and then a few weeks later, they broke up–I was furious that I had all these pictures of his big, bald head to remind me of all the times he treated my mom like shit.

    So, no offense, but it’s not your day, it’s hers and maybe she doesn’t want you in the pictures if she feels like her dad might break up with you and then have to look at all her wedding pictures while everyone is like, “who’s that broad?”

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    SusanS June 3, 2013, 7:08 pm

    It’s interesting that so few of the responses consider the father’s feelings. My live-in boyfriend of over a year was recently invited to his ex-brother-in-law’s wedding. He rsvp’d +1. The bro-in-law texted him that I wasn’t invited, the wedding was small, blah blah blah. I haven’t met them before, but they are well aware that he is in a committed, happy relationship.

    My boyfriend wrote him a very nice email saying he didn’t really want to attend without his partner, and hoped there was another close friend or family member they could now include. He wished them every happiness from both of us.

    I wonder what’s going to happen when his daughter or son get married down the line. His marriage ended without any third-party interference, and I’m not interested in getting in his ex-wife’s face or hurting her feelings. But I wonder what grown-ups are thinking when they exclude someone who has nothing to do with the end of the marriage, and is obviously very important to the other party. Life goes on, and people move on. Why not include one more person at a wedding who wishes you the best and makes your dad feel loved on a day that celebrates love? And why does no one in this thread consider the feelings of this girl’s father? Maybe he thinks it really sucks that people don’t automatically assume he would be bringing his significant other. Isn’t he supposed to have a great time at the wedding too? I don’t expect to be in the family wedding photos, or sit next to her mom, or interfere in the special mother-daughter or father-daughter moments. Excluding people from happy, social events just seems odd. And in this case, and the bro-in-law’s case, money is not an issue.

    I remember my mother being so upset while planning my sister’s wedding, at the thought of my father bringing his wife. She didn’t come, but when my brother got married years later, everyone came and it was fine. My mom was afraid. After she learned that my dad’s wife was a class act and didn’t want to upset anyone, the fear evaporated.

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    Ada October 12, 2013, 7:19 pm

    Hi,
    I think i have a same situation, that my 1 year boyfriend that is flashing me for one year to everybody that is my loving girlfriend when it comes to do a lavish weeding of his son he didn’t invite me and the worst is that he didn’t explain me why. He just said that he’s ex is nut case which i’m not at all convinced, and for sure that this is not the case. he has 2 son and he kind of implied that the sons might have asked him that both parents not to bring the other significant to the wedding, still i cannot believe that he’s grown up sons could be so selfish when the father pays most for that very expensive wedding. I do feel very embarrass that all his friend couples that I know and I ate 10-15 dinners and parties out there would ask for me why I was not there. I think I will give an end to this relationship , 100% sure of it, I cannot swallow that, I’m write or wrong don’t know but i feel very hurt. Just wondering if any has been in this situation like me. Thanks. Oct 2013

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      Laughter March 19, 2014, 9:22 am

      I’m in the situation where my now 3 year old boyfriends daughter is getting married. I have met his x wife and we all get along well. She has a partner of 2 years. their daughter is not inviting me or her mothers partner to her wedding, all 4 of us are very up set and have talked about it. They have also asked their daughter to invite us but she has refused despite them paying for half the wedding. Why is she doing this you may ask? No reason other then she can’t accept her parents splitting up and wants to pretend it never happened. She is 25 and they split 4 years ago. I agree with the comments about the fathers feelings, my partner is very upset and will feel like on her wedding day she has created unnecessary problems. As for me I would just love to be able to see him walk her down the isle and share her happiness. Very sad situation for all of us and the families who think we should be invited.

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    sandy July 12, 2014, 7:21 pm

    No. You should not attend the wedding, even if you were married. Unless you are a step mother who contributed to the raising of your boyfriend’s children, you don’t belong. This day is for FAMILY, which you are not. It’s not like any other guest’s plus one. This is a day to honor the parenting experience. You are not part of that and mom should not have to share that family experience with you. Stop being selfish.

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