Anyway…I met Ted, thought he was super cute, plus he was a believer in God which was super important to me. I wanted to marry a Godly man someday. Well, in the first month or so dating Ted, we joked about marriage. We both believe in God and thought God brought us together and, since we were having sex outside marriage, we felt guilty and said we should get married…so we did. My Dad and Mom and family thought I was crazy. They said, “You don’t know him!” They said I should wait and get to know him more. My Dad looked up his record online and saw he had criminal charges, which I knew of. He definitely tried to talk me out of it and cried to me saying, “Please don’t.” But I didn’t listen. We took some pre-marital counseling…and then got married after three months of dating, which I regret everyday.
The first month of marriage went ok — we had an argument or two. Fast forward five months and let’s just say I hate myself for the decision I made. And I mean it. I cry and cry and ask myself why? Why was I so dumb? Why didn’t I listen to the important people in my life? I am realizing that I was in that “lovey dovey” lust stage when you first meet a nice guy. You know, you think he’s the one…and now I’m finding out I don’t feel like I love him like a wife should. I was just in lust.
We fight constantly, we butt heads, say mean words, we’re miserable, and we’re finding out that we think we made a mistake. I’m hardly attracted to him and can’t stand to be around him most of the time. He says “I love you” to me and I have to force myself to say it back even though tears come up because I feel it’s a lie. I’ve told him how I feel and he just shakes his head. We already talk about divorce, well at least I do. And when I do, he makes me feel guilty and says God sends people to hell who divorce for anything beside adultery. I think he is waiting for me to make the first move so he can screw me somehow, and he threatens that he would. He even sometimes jokes how, if he ever found out I cheated, he would seriously hurt me and the guy; he said he would kill someone and he’s not scared.
He hasn’t held down a job and there’s always an excuse for not getting a new one. He also doesn’t trust me because he’s super insecure, always checking my phone and asking me questions. I’m not cheating. I feel trapped and depressed. I wish I could take back the last six months and erase it all. I feel like a fool. I can’t talk to my friends and family because they will just laugh and say “I told you so.” I don’t feel free, my soul feels lost.
I made a mistake and now I have to live with it. On top of that, I found out I’m pregnant, which is good news to Ted. He wanted kids, but I wasn’t too excited. He actually refused to let me get on birth control…and now I bet he feels like he can lock me down for good. We both mentally abuse each other with hurtful words.
I guess my question is what would you do in my situation? I know I was the stupid one who said yes, and, trust me, I don’t know why I did, but I guess I just have to keep being miserable and stay in a marriage that I regret everyday?
I’d leave in a heartbeat but I know people are going to think I’m pathetic. Everyone said not to do it, even all his friends too. Plus, I feel God will send me to hell for divorce. I know He hates it and it’s a huge sin to Him. Please help me with any advice or tell me if there’s any hope. I’ve thought about taking my life, but I’m 12 weeks pregnant now and I must not even have those thoughts. I gotta do this for the baby. — Regretting My Quickie Marriage
I’m no Biblical expert and I wouldn’t call myself very religious, but I do believe in a higher being — God, if that’s what you prefer to call it — and I can say with 100% confidence that no loving God would condemn anyone to eternal hell for divorcing an abusive, manipulative person she doesn’t love and made a mistake marrying. But the God I believe in would also would never condemn anyone to eternal hell for loving someone of the same sex or having an abortion or using birth control or having premarital sex, for that matter. The God I believe in is loving and forgiving and supportive, and, while perhaps you and I don’t have the same beliefs, if the God you trust is one who would send you to eternal hell for leaving a loveless, abusive, manipulative marriage that would make the rest of your life a living hell, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your belief system. For that matter, if your loved ones are people who would laugh and point and say “we told you so” if you divorced a man you didn’t love, simply because they all warned you not to marry the guy a few months ago, you should probably re-evaluate those relationships, too.
But this isn’t about religion or your friends; this is about you and your marriage and what you should do now that you’ve realized you made a mistake marrying someone you hardly knew who has turned out to be a Dirtbag (capital D), and the answer is a resounding — A RESOUNDING — MOA. Get out, get out, get out. Get out like this woman did (she escaped an emotionally abusive “Quiverfull” marriage where she wasn’t permitted to use birth control and she bred like a rabbit), or the only hell you’ll be condemned to is a life of misery in staying with this man. Rather than think of yourself as “pathetic” or a “sinner” for leaving a broken relationship, realize how strong you must be to not only acknowledge your mistake but also to find a way out of it. Do it now before it gets harder to leave (and it will get harder, as stories on this blog from women who have escaped marriages like yours after many years — and many, many babies — can attest to).
As for your pregnancy, if it’s too late to get an abortion or that isn’t an option you’d ever consider anyway for religious reasons, please consider other options that would save you from dealing with the baby’s father for the foreseeable future. Talk to a family attorney immediately. Find a group that supports victims of domestic abuse. (Even if he hasn’t laid a hand on you, he is threatening to KILL you if he were ever to believe you cheated on him; he is abusive). Seek support from the least judgmental members of your inner circle. You don’t have to do this alone. If you decide to keep the baby and raise it yourself, know that a home where his or her mother is being abused and manipulated and threatened by his or her father is NOT a happy or healthy home. Be a role model to your child-to-be by building a life for yourself free from the confines of a miserable, abusive marriage. You made a mistake. It happens. People have made much worse mistakes and paid far less dearly for them. You can get out of this marriage. You can be happy. It’s your choice. Thank God we women have choices — about our bodies, our relationships, and our lives.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.