Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “I’m Not Sexually Attracted to Him”

New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), or submit a question for advice.

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I have been seeing a guy for seven months now. He is a nice guy — probably the nicest guy I ever dated — very caring, respectful and treats me like a lady (brings me flowers unexpectedly, watches horror movies even though he doesn’t like them). Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons. I started dating him four months a break-up with a guy I was madly in love with and I still think of him.

My problem is that I am not sexually attracted to this nicest guy in the world and I feel super guilty about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me; I feel like a horrible and shallow person by saying this but I am not attracted to his body type. We haven’t had sex, and we rarely kiss when he tries to make out with me (I usually have to force myself when we do). He has asked me on several occasions if I am not attracted to him and I have always lied and said that I am and that I am not ready to have sex, but the truth is I am not ready to have sex with him.

Recently he has introduced me to his family and has even mentioned the “love” and “marriage” words, and now I am confused and afraid that I am far to into it to just tell him that I am not into him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I believe in Karma and think that it will come back to bite me. I want to be sexually attracted to him because I think he will be a good provider and is definitely marriage material but I don’t know how to get myself there. I have read self-help books to try and seek the answer to this question but with no help. I can’t have a conversation with my girlfriends because I am afraid they will judge me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end up alone or realize that he was the best thing in my life after he is gone. Please help. — Not Sexually Attracted

235 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Amanda June 22, 2011, 7:34 am

    MOA! If you haven’t developed an attraction to him by now, it’s highly doubtful that you ever will. The kindest thing that you can do is break up with him without telling him the real reason (that you aren’t sexually attracted to him). Ultimately, this will allow both of you the opportunity to find the fullest love possible with other people.

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      clazy8 June 23, 2011, 3:31 pm

      Break it off, otherwise your dissatisfaction will curdle into resentment as both of you waste time that could have been spent looking for someone better suited. You don’t have to make up a reason why. Be honest, just use terms that don’t imply a universal judgment, and which emphasize the nature of the relationship, rather than trying to figure out why that relationship isn’t right. Why doesn’t matter. Tell him how much you’ve enjoyed your time with him, what a great guy he is etc., but the deep fondness you feel is not enough for you to wed him until death do you part. You want to feel more, and even though you seem to think the problem is somehow intrinsic to him, he’s got nothing to do with it: you are the one who wants something else, whether you choose to call it sexual attraction or just passion. Moreover he deserves to have someone who will reciprocate. He may think he’s satisfied with less, but that only means he hasn’t had more — yet. Let him find it, and let yourself, as well. One day you’ll run into each other, and instead of crossing the street, you’ll have a good hug and tell each other how wonderful life is.

      –A guy

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    Callifax June 22, 2011, 7:39 am

    Unfortunately, you can’t force sexual attraction. It’s there, or it isn’t. If you’d been dating him for a few weeks, I’d say give it some time – sometimes sexual attraction comes from emotional attraction. But after 7 months, it’s time to accept that it’s not going to happen. You need to cut ties with him so you both can find happiness with other people – so you can find a guy you are physically attracted to, and so he can find someone who will br attracted to him.

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      scz230 March 19, 2012, 10:03 pm

      Callifax this is REALLY IMPORTANT PLEASE REPLY. What if you have sex with your boyfriend? Can that make you attracted to him????

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    honeybeenicki June 22, 2011, 7:43 am

    There isn’t any way to make yourself be sexually attracted to him. Now is the best time to tell him the truth and move on with your life so he can move on with his. Its going to hurt him and possibly you, but ultimately, you will be doing him a favor to make it so he is free to find someone who IS attracted to him. You are not horrible and shallow just because you aren’t attracted to him. I’m not attracted to every guy I run across and you shouldn’t expect yourself to be attracted to him just because he’s nice.

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    airivera June 22, 2011, 7:48 am

    Would you buy a shirt you thought was ugly? Would you eat food that you thought was repulsive? Do you often attempt to complicate your life by making decisions that are illogical?

    WTF. 7 MONTHS? SERIOUSLY. That is WAY too long to be wearing a shirt you hate. Or dating a guy YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNATTRACTED TO.

    Not only have you led this guy on (for 7months), lied to him about your feelings (“Yeah, I find you sexy, babe”), complicated your life by being in a relationship that doesn’t sexually/physically fulfill you, but on top of all of this you dragged this guy with you on your journey of denial and indecision.

    I feel really bad for him. But I also feel for you. It’s been 7 months. Tell this guy you never found him attractive and not only do you break his heart, but also emotionally scar him. You don’t need to be like, “Sorry, you just never wet my whistle. Must be your face or body that’s ruining it for me. Wanna try a paper bag?”. This is a situation where a lie is probably way more tactful and less cruel than the truth. Tell him whatever that doesn’t implicate something is wrong with him. Because even though we all have our preferences when it comes to looks, breaking this news after 7 months will make this guy feel like a horrible ugo. Which he probably isn’t. I would suggest telling him you can’t commit/don’t want marriage/want to focus on your career/want to move/get a sex operation. Whatever preserves his self-esteem and doesn’t make you look like a jerk.

    You aren’t stupid or shallow for wanting to date someone you are attracted to. Physical chemistry is a must. But to drag it out this long is just crappy. MOA. Give that guy the chance to find someone who IS attracted to him. And give yourself the chance to find that too. It’s possible to find a nice guy who is compatible with you on MULTIPLE levels. Maybe you were ‘settling’ but that is a silly/dumb dating strategy. We can’t find perfection, but we can love people because of who they are-imperfect, but still beautiful (inside & and outside!) people. So let this guy go because you’re not acting like an idiot by desiring a sexual attraction. You are acting like an idiot by denying both of you sexual chemistry/validation.

    PS: You seem to have an inaccurate idea of karma. The idea is this: We treat others well and put out positive energy, not in the hope of it being reciprocated but because it’s the moral, loving thing to do. Being afraid of karma’s repercussions is like being afraid ‘god’ will smite you. Karma is a cosmic system of cause and effect, not a cosmic system of reward and punishment. Read some Buddhist text or at least wikipedia that s$$t.

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      WatersEdge June 22, 2011, 9:56 am

      I think it’s unfair to come down so harshly on her. I don’t think it’s all that uncommon for women to try to break a cycle of dating bad boys, but have it take a while for them to get the hang of what the new dating criteria should be.

      LW, bravo to you for trying to change the type of guy you date. You’re still in the process of knowing what “love” and “attraction” are for you. It used to be the heady rush of reassurance when a guy who didn’t call for 5 days suddenly showed up at your door claiming to have been too scared to get close because you’re just so awesome. Or whatever. Guys who weren’t able to give you what you needed used to be your thing. So now you have someone who does give you most of what you need, and you can’t get into it. I’m glad to hear that instead of going back to guys who suck but who turn you on, you’ve tried to stick it out. But it’s not your fault that you’re not attracted to him, and you can’t make yourself attracted. You’ve basically gone from all fire and no substance, to all substance and no fire. Yes, it is possible to fall in love for the right reasons and feel fire with someone who has substance. It WILL feel different from what you’re used to, less intense, you’re right about that. You’re used to an inferno, and love with someone who is stable won’t feel like an inferno. It’ll feel more like a campfire. But there will be a fire.

      Take these 7 months as a learning experience. Learn how you should be treated in relationships. Guys you date should do things you like to do, and be kind and considerate, and not be afraid to talk about the future. They should treat you well. Don’t let another guy get away with treating you poorly again. You have to dump this guy, and I agree that there’s no reason in the world to hurt his feelings. Kindly tell him that while you enjoy and respect him, you’re not in love with him. And don’t feel bad about this relationship- we all get into relationships with the best of intentions and it doesn’t always work out. Hes a nice guy and you gave him a chance. Them’s the breaks. But in the future, if you don’t want to kiss someone by the 3rd or 4th date, you have your answer.

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        Amy June 22, 2011, 10:50 am

        I love this: “You’ve basically gone from all fire and no substance, to all substance and no fire”

        And this: “it is possible to fall in love for the right reasons and feel fire with someone who has substance. It WILL feel different from what you’re used to, less intense, you’re right about that. You’re used to an inferno, and love with someone who is stable won’t feel like an inferno. It’ll feel more like a campfire. But there will be a fire”

        In fact – I’m writing the second one down in my book of quotes!

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        WatersEdge June 22, 2011, 11:33 am

        Thanks! What a huge compliment!

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        dobby June 22, 2011, 11:34 am

        I have to disagree with you, WatersEdge. I understand the angle of trying to “change the type of guy you date” but 7 months is way too long to be stringing someone along. It borders on cruel and selfish. She does deserve some harsh words to wake her up and make her realize how mean she is being to the nice man.

        I really feel for the guy – he obviously has believed her when she has been lying about being attracted to him, so much so that he is in love with her and talking about marriage. She let this go way too long and there will be no good way to end it, but end it she must.

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        _jsw_ June 22, 2011, 11:39 am

        “I really feel for the guy – he obviously has believed her when she has been lying about being attracted to him, so much so that he is in love with her and talking about marriage.”

        Look, I completely agree that the LW needs to break up with him, but it’s also pretty desperate of the guy to be talking marriage when the LW doesn’t even really make out with him. I understand why she’s having a difficult time letting him go, because it’ll be like kicking a puppy. He’s doing all he can to intentionally avoid seeing the clues, and he’s going to take the break up poorly, and I feel for her for having to do it.

        Don’t think this is just her misleading him. It’s been seven months, and she’s barely able to even kiss him. He knows. He just doesn’t want to know.

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        cmarie June 22, 2011, 1:11 pm

        Or maybe he truly is one of those rare guys who want the girl he’s with to be completely comfortable. Maybe he’s inexperienced or grew up in an uber Christian household so he doesn’t know better. Maybe he truly cares for her and is willing to wait because he wants her to trust him and believe that he isn’t like all those other guys who hurt her. Maybe he really does believe that she cares for him but based on her past experiences is slow to trust and be intimate. Or maybe he does know that she doesn’t feel the same way but just doesn’t want to let her go. Either way this guy is in too deep with her to be able to see what he needs to do, which is MOA (or IMO DTMFA). She was the one not feeling it, it was her responsibility to break things off when it became apparent he wasn’t the one for her. Just because the guy wants to be with her enough to either not see or try to ignore the signs doesn’t mean she is absolved of the responsibility to own up to her true feeling. The fact is, we don’t know what’s going on in his mind but we do know what she’s thinking and she’s wrong. You don’t lead someone on just so you can say you’re with a good guy when you feel nothing for him. It’s cruel and it’s wrong.

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        D. Jason Fleming June 23, 2011, 5:15 pm

        So, she’s lying to her guy consistently, but when his heart gets broken, it’s HIS fault because he should have known she was lying to him, stringing him along, and being completely dishonest?

        Seriously, is there ANY set of circumstances in which you would hold this woman responsible for her behavior, or must it always be the man’s fault?

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:23 pm

        I’m usually on the side of defending the person the LW write about, so this is new to me, but…

        He is asking her a leading question, and the only reason he’s asking is because he knows the truth but doesn’t want to be told it, and he’s counting on her being nice enough to lie to him.

        Anyone who, seven months into dating someone who can barely be coerced into kissing them, declares their love and desire to marry that person… is delusional.

        What makes you think that I believe it’s always the man’s fault? Usually, on here, I’m defending the man. But this guy is a doormat, and she’s just trying to not come out and tell him directly that she’s not attracted to him… but he knows it anyway, and he continues to push her for more and more.

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        D. Jason Fleming June 23, 2011, 6:41 pm

        Your mind-reading abilities are amazing. When do you plan to collect your million dollars from the Randi Foundation?

        You don’t know what he’s thinking. You don’t know what he knows, or why he’s acting the way he is.

        You DO know that this woman is lying to him and stringing him along, but still you blame HIM.

        Sorry, but what you’re selling, I’m not buying. This woman needs to come clean and stop jerking this guy around. And if she has any human decency at all, she’s going to feel terrible about what she has put him through.

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 6:59 pm

        My parents were here for a week recently. They only drink decaf, and all I had was some old stuff from when they visited before. I wasn’t sure if it was still any good, but I made my mom a cup and asked her how it tasted. She said “it’s fine!”

        I went out immediately and bought more. You know why? Because, like most humans, I can tell when someone’s just saying something to be nice.

        If someone can’t bring themselves to make out with you unless you push it on them, they’re not attracted to you, period. Only idiots don’t realize that.

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        Sarah June 22, 2011, 12:19 pm

        Yeah, but if she’s treating men poorly while leading them while using the excuse that she’s just figuring out what type of guy she wants to have, then what makes her any different from the bad boys that walked all over her?

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        WatersEdge June 22, 2011, 1:11 pm

        To dobby and Sarah: I think it’s totally different. She’s making an honest mistake. She didn’t write in here saying “My boyfriend is great because he buys me expensive presents and takes me on awesome vacations, but I can’t stand his personality”. She said that she really likes him but she can’t bring herself to hook up with him. She’s said herself that she’s trying to change her type, and I know that there’s a certain amount of confusion that goes along with that process. All of us, when we’re dating, are trying to figure out who our best match is. This is no different than the girl who wrote in the other day trying to figure out whether dating a guy who’s sensitive, while she’s abrasive, is a good match. This LW is just trying to figure out where the balance falls between emotional roller coaster and stable boring guy.

        Just because it’s obvious to YOU that you can have sexual attraction with a nice guy doesn’t mean it’s obvious to everyone. Don’t assume that the LW is intentionally and cruelly leading this guy on. She’s trying to figure herself out. I don’t think she’s treating him poorly or being a jerk at all.

        And I agree with JSW- what the hell is this guy doing talking marriage to a girl who shrinks from his touch? (one theory- he thinks he can’t get any until marriage and that’s why LW is so cold?)

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        Sarah June 22, 2011, 2:07 pm

        A seventh month long mistake? And when did she ever write anything about how *she* feels about him, other than that she doesn’t want to hurt him? She likes the things he gives her (kindness, respect, flowers) yet she only mentions what she doesn’t give to him. Using someone for the emotional gratification is just as mean as using someone for sexual gratification.

        We are all confused in the dating world. That doesn’t mean we get validation to treat people as poorly as we were treated before. Its such a negative cycle. Get stomped on by a guy, and then stomp on another guy and call it “learning” and still blame it on the first guy that stomped on her. The learning part would’ve happened if she realized early on she didn’t want him and would empathize with him because her last boyfriend rejected her. Instead, she’s using him to get the emotional satisfaction she never got with the man she still wants.

        The most telling part of her letter was when she mentioned her last bf: “Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons.”

        How can she not realize that she is describing herself??

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        LTC039 June 22, 2011, 1:16 pm

        Changing your type & staying with someone you can’t even bear to kiss are two COMPLETELY different things & in this case, things have already gone to another level that the LW is totally aware she does not want. No matter which way you paint it, sexual needs are a major part of a relationship & if you can’t bare the thought of any type of sexual activity with your partner you are in the WRONG relationship.

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        kf June 22, 2011, 7:29 pm

        “She’s trying to figure herself out. I don’t think she’s treating him poorly or being a jerk at all.”

        Why are these treated as mutually exclusive? Seems to me she’s figuring herself out *and* at least treating him very poorly, if not quite up to jerk level.

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        LennyBee June 22, 2011, 2:27 pm

        I have to agree with you WatersEdge. It sounds like the LW is really trying hard to force an attraction because she likes this guy (and she wants to change her type). That’s hard to do, and it can be easy to think that if someone is nice and logically meets all the criteria of “good person to date”, then it’s wrong to not be attracted to them. I don’t think that’s leading him on and being cruel. It’s more like a rookie mistake – learn from it so you don’t do it again, and move on.

        @LW, you can’t say you didn’t try. You tried to be attracted to him, and you’re just not. You need to nicely cut this guy loose and start looking for someone who’s both right for you and attractive to you.

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        airivera June 22, 2011, 2:55 pm

        I stand by everything I wrote.

        PS: I don’t treat guys like guinea pigs when it comes to dating. 7 months isn’t a ‘learning experience’ it’s a long period to hang on the brink of indecision and denial.

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 4:32 pm

        It’s seven months, not seven years. That’s not overly long if the LW was trying to see if her lack of attraction was simply due to still fawning over someone else. Now, though, it’s time to move on. You seem to think she was acting maliciously, but I don’t think she was.

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        K Anderson June 23, 2011, 1:47 pm

        She deserves some harsh commentary. The guy was invested in her – his emotions, his money, and – most importantly – his time, all the while she was encouraging him. What a poor little loser.

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        uncleFred June 24, 2011, 2:03 pm

        “You’re used to an inferno, and love with someone who is stable won’t feel like an inferno. It’ll feel more like a campfire.”
        So so so wrong. If you want the inferno, the camp fire is not going to cut it. You’ll be settling, and eventually down the road things are going to end badly, very very badly. Reject the assumption that the inferno is only available with “bad boys”. They are called bad BOYS for a reason.

        Unless you are only turned on by being abused, there is no reason that you can’t find a man of substance who also provides you your inferno. Of course that implies that you provide an inferno for him. It also implies that you are a woman, not a girl and are seeking a relationship and not just a good time. Nothing wrong with seeking a good time, after all as the saying goes “girls just want to have fun”, but if you are looking for someone to offer you more, you have to reciprocate.

        Good luck, but for Gods sake don’t settle. Life is long, hard, and full of cold windy days, you’ll need more than a camp fire to keep warm.

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      dobby June 22, 2011, 11:35 am

      Thank you for that last paragraph – so many people really have no clue what the concept of karma is really all about.

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        airivera June 22, 2011, 3:40 pm

        haha. Thanks! I am an avid lover of philosophy and have read a lot about various Buddhisms.

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      Man Dup June 23, 2011, 3:26 pm

      I agree with almost everything you said, other than how to let him know. I think being honest will help him immensely. Let’s face it, he’s too nice. He’s let this lady walk all over him and friendzone him for 7 months, and guess what? That’s the best action he’s had in his whole entire pathetic life. The solution is for him to grow a pair and become a little bit of a bad boy himself. The only way he can know to do it is for her to tell him that she’s not attracted to him, and why. He needs to know the truth; it will set him free.

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    Mainer June 22, 2011, 7:56 am

    We all have attributes in a partner we desire, or strive to obtain. Somewhere along the line we conceived this notion that having a preference toward certain physical attributes made us “shallow.” It doesn’t. It is no different than desiring someone of a certain energy level, or wittiness, or sense of humor. Obviously we all have our “ideal” partner, someone who fits into all those attributes and is our perfect match. But in most instances we choose to make compromises. We let it slide that he/she doesn’t like to bike, doesn’t have the best jokes, or has brown hair instead of blond. We weigh those compromises with the bigger picture. You need to figure out how much of a compromise this lack of sexual attraction is going to be, and if it will be worth it in the bigger picture. Some people would never leave the house they like sex so much. Others are fine only doing it on special occasions. Where does that priority fall in your life? I don’t think anyone is in the position to tell you that a lack of purely physical attraction is a deal breaker, unless it is a deal breaker for you. Is it something you can get over? Do you think his looks can grow on you? Or do you feel that if that were to happen it would have happened already? I’m sorry to say, but no one is going to be able to answer this for you.

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      LTC039 June 22, 2011, 10:18 am

      If it’s been 7 months, & she can’t even kiss the guy without squirming, I don’t know how much “weighing of options” is necessary. This letter is a clear indicator she does not want this guy at all, she just doesn’t know how to let him down.

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        Mainer June 22, 2011, 10:31 am

        LW is just looking to validate her decision. She already knows what she is going to do, she just wants to feel less guilty about it if everyone agrees. My main advice was that it is not “shallow” to have physical standards, so if that is her only hang up she should let that go. If, on the other hand, she is wondering whether she’ll regret her decision, as noted in her last line “I don’t want to end up alone or realize that he was the best thing in my life after he is gone,” then I advised her to weigh the pros and cons. Does she feel that squirming to kiss the guy is a small price to pay for, what she considers, an otherwise perfect guy? Or can she not get over that? Most people probably wouldn’t be able to get over that. But she may not be most people.

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        cmarie June 22, 2011, 11:42 am

        But that’s really unfair to the poor guy. He’s innocent in this whole mess and you’re suggesting that she should just keep leading him on if she’s okay with “squirming to kiss the guy”. That’s not right in any book. You don’t pretend to love someone, pretend to be sexually attracted to them because you’re tired of dating bad boys. I think it’s great she want to break the cycle, but does she have to break this poor guy’s heart in the process? I can understand faking it for a couple months to see if it goes somewhere but 7 monts, meeting the parents, and bringing the “m” word into the conversation is just BS on her part. You don’t get to stomp all over people just to make yourself feel better. She’s not shallow for having a type, but she heading towards being a jerk for leading him on. Woman up and girl and do the right thing! He deserves better than someone who can stand to kiss him much less have sex with him. And yes, even you deserve to find someone with fire and substance. However, I just gotta say that you’ve probably already incurred the wrath of KARMA for leading him on like that.

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      Vathena June 22, 2011, 11:40 am

      Of course this matters in terms of the LW, but what about the importance of sexual satisfaction to her guy? I’m kind of surprised that he’s still with her – 7 months of only getting occasional uncomfortable kissing would suck.

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        LTC039 June 22, 2011, 1:11 pm

        Maybe he’s cheating on her???

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        LTC039 June 22, 2011, 3:11 pm

        Hey. 7 months is a loong time to invest in someone who doesn’t have any sexual contact with you, esp. for a guy…Unless they’re 17-18 & are both virgins, I don’t see why not.

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    Tristy June 22, 2011, 8:06 am

    Yeah, you need to MOA. This relationship has gone on far too long. I’m wondering what even attracted you to him in the 1st place? Was it all the attention he lavished on you or was it because he’s just a genuinely nice guy so you’re “supposed” to be attracted to him? I’m also wondering if you’re still not stuck on the guy who you were “madly in love with.” You admitted that you still think of him. To me, 4 months after a break up seems kinda soon to be jumping into another relationship.

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    Lydia June 22, 2011, 8:15 am

    I have been in the same situation as you, I was dating a super nice guy who was clearly into me and even made me sushi, but I just didn’t develop any feelings for him. I beat myself up over it and tried to think of ways to keep it going to see if something WOULD develop. Until I talked to a friend who had just gotten a new girlfriend and was super enthusiastic about her. I then realized that I would never feel that way about the guy I was dating, and promptly stopped dating him.

    It was a good decision, because a few months later I met my boyfriend, and I do feel super enthusiastic about him – after two years together. In the words of Neko Case, I wanted to “hold out for that teenage feeling”. I did, and it worked out.

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    moonflowers June 22, 2011, 8:28 am

    Romantic love is by nature a selfish thing, even if it leads people to do selfless things sometimes. What that means is that you are not karmically obligated to love someone back simply because he’s a nice person and loves you, no matter how “guilty” you feel about not having any chemistry with him. That’s something you have no control over, you just simply like him or not in that way (after 7 mos, that’s no fluke).

    What you *do* have control over is letting him know how you feel about him. It will be far more merciful in the long run to let him go so that both of you can be free to find partners who are better matches for you than to try to *make* a relationship work. Matters will have to come to a head sometime, and better now than later.

    It sounds like you’ve told yourself that you *should* like this man, because he is kind and caring and loves you a lot. But how do you know for sure that you *should* try to stick with this man, and that you’ll regret it if you don’t? It’s just as likely that, instead of feeling like he was the one that got away, after you MOA from this, you might meet someone kind and sweet who loves you AND who also turns you on in a major way. Even if you don’t, you could be more relieved than regretful to have dodged a potentially painful marriage and divorce. There’s just simply no way of knowing how you’ll feel in the future or what it holds, so don’t let your fear of regret in the future hold you back from doing what’s best for you and him, now.

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    Nadine June 22, 2011, 8:50 am

    It can be scary to break up with someone, especially if you feel there is no good ‘reason’ for it. But in your case, there is – you don’t want to be with him.
    A friend of mine is in a similar situation – she has been with her boyfriend for over two years and they fight like cat and dog. Every week she is in tears questioning herself, and him and everything possible – its exhausting! Whenever we have a few drinks and talk about sex (as you do) she just sits and listens and then says things like “He never turns me on” or “We havent had sex in 3 months” or my favourite “I only have sex with him when he asks.”
    You do not want to be in this situation. It may seem easy to fake for now, but you WILL start to resent him, and you wont be able to maintain ANY feelings for him. In my friends situation, it seems clear to me that they don’t love each other – which may not be your situation – but sex is supposed to be fun a part of being in love.
    You arent doing him any favours keeping him a sexless relationship. Its time to set both of you free, and it seems you will have to do it. Both you and him will be fine. People do get over relationships, and even go on to have new, better ones!

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    lexington June 22, 2011, 8:58 am

    This guy may be a good guy, but he probably isn’t for you. Objectively he may be a great guy, but after 7 months you still aren’t into him. In the past I tried desperately to be with a guy who I really liked as a friend but just had no physical attraction to whatsoever. In retrospect, I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I wasn’t there mentally. It may not be that you’re just not physically attracted- I’d place a bet your real problem is that you’re not emotionally there. A lot of the time, people become more attractive to us the more we know them or vice-versa. It’s not a bad thing that you aren’t in love with this guy, it just means you probably don’t need to be with him. If you could have gotten past the fact that you’re not attracted to him, you probably would have done it by now.

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      TheOtherMe June 22, 2011, 9:57 am

      …”A lot of the time, people become more attractive to us the more we know them or vice-versa.”

      Yes. Like when I fell in love with a friend because he came to pick me up when I had car troubles, just sayin’

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      PFG-SCR June 22, 2011, 11:56 am

      “A lot of the time, people become more attractive to us the more we know them or vice-versa.”

      While I don’t disagree with this, I don’t think that is _usually_ a basis for a romantic relationship. If there isn’t that chemistry and attraction immediately, and especially if it hasn’t happened for her after seven months, it’s just not there, and it won’t ever be there. You can’t force it, and you can’t create it in a non-platonic way. And she can try and convince herself that it’s not important, but then she’s missing out on an amazing experience of finding a person that she feels that way about naturally.

      She can’t even really kiss him after seven months together…that says it all.

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    kerrycontrary June 22, 2011, 8:59 am

    You need to break up with this guy, it’s really not fair to him. If you don’t feel the spark after 7 months then you are never going to feel it. I was in a similar situation towards the end of my college years. I dated a very nice guy who was also physically attractive and great to look at, but I was never sexually attracted to him. We did have sex but I never felt truely attracted to him. We dated for about 2 months but I had to break up with him because it just wasn’t fair to either of us. The good news is that now that you know how a guy SHOULD treat you, you can turn down crappy guys like you said you’ve dated in the past.

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    Iced Venti Red-eye Guy June 22, 2011, 9:04 am

    Holy balls, chick why torture yourself that much?

    Do him a favor and not only break it off with him I say go a lil further….post his no. here (DW) and give some him and other girl a chance to love on each other wholly (not 1/2 assedly).

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      TheOtherMe June 22, 2011, 9:55 am

      Okay. Who are you and can I use ” Holy balls” ?? lol

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        Maracuya June 22, 2011, 10:05 am

        Slash do we really have another guy on DW?
        And your username? Awesome.

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        TheOtherMe June 22, 2011, 10:09 am

        All he needs now is an avatar so we can stalk him too 🙂

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    Melanie June 22, 2011, 9:10 am

    You really need to get out as soon as possible. I started a relationship this way as well. Also, because I had recently gotten out of a relationship. I ended up with the guy for years, even though I wasn’t really attracted to him. It was such an unfortunate situation. He ended up proposing to me, and of course I had to break his heart. Please, save this guy and yourself the pain and get out now.

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    Valerie June 22, 2011, 9:16 am

    Looking at this from another angle, this line stood from the letter stood out to me: “We haven’t had sex, and we rarely kiss when he tries to make out with me (I usually have to force myself when we do). He has asked me on several occasions if I am not attracted to him…” I agree with the other commenters who say that it’s time to MOA, but I’m surprised that this guy hasn’t decided to MOA either, especially when he’s dating a girl who seemingly doesn’t even like to kiss him. I have a pretty good feeling that this guy might already know that something is amiss, and if he wrote into Dear Wendy, “I’ve been dating this girl for 7 months, and things are great! but she doesn’t ever want to kiss me…” we’d be telling him the exact same thing. LW, there are plenty of men out there who are as nice as this guy and who will also be sexually attractive to you! There are also plenty of girls out there who would fall head over heals for this guy. Since it doesn’t seem like this guy will MOA, I think you need to take the initiative and allow yourselves to each find truly compatible partners.

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  • leilani

    leilani June 22, 2011, 9:19 am

    Yeah, this is pretty much a no-brainer. Let the guy go. He might be a great guy, but that doesn’t mean that’s he’s a great boyfriend for you–because a great boyfriend for you would be someone you have an iota of sexual attraction for. Good rule of thumb: if you have to force yourself to kiss a guy, he really shouldn’t be your boyfriend. That’s why we have something called “friendships”–that’s what you should be having with guys that you think are awesome and sweet, but you just don’t feel attracted to them. I feel for the shitty situation you’ve gotten into, because its clear you don’t want to hurt the guy, but all you can do at this point is do the best you can to fix it. And the closest you can do to fixing it would be telling the guy that you don’t feel that you’re a romantic match, and letting you both move on to better things.

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    Desiree June 22, 2011, 9:20 am

    Okay, I whole-heartedly agree with everyone about MOA. It’s cruel to this “nice guy” for her to stay. However, I am wondering if her lack of attraction is about more than his body type. She says she has dated guys that were bad for her in the past, and that she was madly in love with the last bad boy. I feel like sometimes women who are attached to the emotional pangs of bad boys and unavailable men sometimes have trouble transitioning to nice guys. I was like this for a while-I was never drawn to the men that would have actually been good to me. The LW definitely needs to break it off with her boyfriend, but then maybe she should engage in some serious self-analysis.

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    • leilani

      leilani June 22, 2011, 9:27 am

      I have been in, and have seen many of my friends in, the only-attracted-to-assholes rut. One of my best friends will have a huge crush on a guy, but then as soon as he starts consistently giving her attention and making clear that he actually likes her (rather than just going home together if they run into each other at a bar), she is no longer attracted to them. It is infuriating to watch. I can’t even tell you how many times she wasn’t into a guy that liked her, and then as soon as they retracted their attention, she was suddenly SUPER into them. I think when guys are emotionally unavailable, sometimes you get so caught up in wanting them to like you that you mistake that feeling for you being extremely attracted to them. I’ve been there before for sure. And then when I met the next guy, I mistakenly thought it was attraction or passion that was missing, as opposed to a dead-end emotional roller coaster.

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        Man Dup June 23, 2011, 3:19 pm

        Simple solution: the dude needs to learn to be an ass sometimes. It’s the actual act of being an ass that is attractive, not just looks etc. Most nice guys don’t realize this is an attribute that they should engender. They mistakenly believe that they should always be as nice as possible to women. This has obvious downsides as they are walked all over, sometimes for a lifetime, by women like the questioner. So send him to see my friend Roissy. The google should get him there.

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    silver_dragon_girl June 22, 2011, 9:28 am

    Eh, I get where you’re coming from, because I kind of felt the same way about my bf…at first. Like, for the first month, maybe. Then I fell totally in love with him of course (hope you’re not reading this, honey!) 🙂

    So I understand how much you WANT to make it work with The Nice Guy. But, alas, sometimes we cannot. You’re doing him, and yourself, a HUGE disservice if you drag this out any longer. End it. End it TODAY. The longer you wait the worse it will be.

    I also agree with whoever above suggested NOT telling him the “I’ve never been attracted to you” bit. I know we should always be honest and blah blah blah, but in this case…you might go with the old “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I just don’t feel the same way about you that you feel about me, and you deserve more than that.” Or something.

    Good luck!

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    Jess June 22, 2011, 9:29 am

    he is not marriage material if you are not sexually attracted to him. He may be marriage material for someone else but not for you

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    convexed June 22, 2011, 9:34 am

    Oh man. Please don’t ‘force’ yourself to kiss or be with someone you aren’t attracted to because they seem like good, marriagable providers! First, and with all due respect to whatever background or beliefs this LW may have, ‘marriagable’ as a character attribute kind of belongs to a Jane Austen novel, and those were full of repressive, complex tragedies of manners. So.
    Second, it doesn’t matter if he’d be a good provider, because you are NOT ‘marriage material’ for him. You know why? You aren’t into him. Nobody these days wants to marry a person who has to force themselves to kiss him/her! Nobody wants to share a life with someone who is ambivalent—who finds them unattractive and dull, but will accept (take!) their generosity, love, and kindness for 7 months! The only reason he would sign up for that is because you’ve deceived him and kept your (lack of) feelings hidden under a veil of carefully worded evasions and lies.
    No matter how lonely you are, how much you fear karma, or how bad you’ve been hurt in the past, that is a shitty way to do someone. Don’t take advantage of his love and commitment any longer. MOA, fast and cleanly, then I advise spending some serious time, alone, re-examining your dating values and history, and considering what emotional and personal qualities you need to bring to any future relationship.

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      LTC039 June 22, 2011, 10:24 am

      That is so true! A friend of mine is a serial dater. He ALWAYS needs to have a girlfriend, no matter what. He began dating this girl he was not attracted to at all & even thought she was “boring.” How do I know this? Because he did not hestitate in telling people!! Not only was she head over heels in love with him, she was actually a very nice girl! Everyone told him to please please just let her go & he would say “Ehh I’m gonna give it more time & see if my feelings change.” So fast fwd 4 months later & he begins cheating on her (frequently) w/ this girl that lives in his apt bldg. That completely blew up unneccesarily the girl ended up finding out (in a terrible way, might I add) all because he was too p**sy to break up with her!!
      Maybe the LW if one of those people that always needs to be in a relationship & that’s why she’s trying to settle for this guy because there’s no one else as a runner up at this moment…

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      beans629 June 22, 2011, 11:29 am

      ‘Second, it doesn’t matter if he’d be a good provider…’ I just wanted to chime in on this particular thought.

      Isn’t this 2011 and women don’t need a ‘provider’? Just sayin’ maybe if the LW had the ability to financially provide for herself, she won’t need to get into a relationship so someone could take care of her.

      I don’t know how old LW is but from my personal experience when you don’t have to worry about the implications (good or bad) of someone providing your financial security, you have a whole new perspective on the relationship, what will make you happy, and what is a deal breaker for you.

      LW, I would surely take the advice of others and do some serious self-analysis of why you keep getting involved with ‘bad boys’ and what didn’t make you happy about your current relationship.

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        BroGoddess June 22, 2011, 3:25 pm

        When I read this, I interpreted it as his being financially secure and being able to provide for future children, not the LW herself.

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    spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 9:36 am

    Karma? Really?

    First of all, your flawed interpretation of ‘karma’ has no basis in anything other than bored white girls creating drama for themselves were none exists. Secondly, if you actually adhere to this, I’m not sure how leading some poor guy on for seven months while physically rejecting him qualifies as hurting his feelings any less than being honest with him upfront.

    The amazing part is that he has put up with your crap for seven months.

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      Nadine June 22, 2011, 9:56 am

      Um, does it say she is white? Why is that relevant again?

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        lk June 22, 2011, 10:47 am

        The “Karma” she describes is a very “White America” interpretation… That’s what people are pointing to, I think.

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        spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 10:52 am

        Eh. I thought it was pretty obvious, but I could be wrong.

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        dobby June 22, 2011, 11:43 am

        Yep the karma she refers to is the “westernized” version that has very little to do with the original definition.

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        Nadine June 23, 2011, 1:35 am

        Oh, I see. Sorry to be snarky, I just kind of ignored the whole ‘karma’ worry because I thought it was silly.

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      lk June 22, 2011, 11:57 am

      Though I’d like to suggest a reconsideration of the characterization of LW as “bored” & “creating drama,” because it seems more like she is traumatized & clinging to something that seems safe.

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        spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 1:17 pm

        Unless her past relationships have a history of cheating or physical abuse, I wouldn’t throw around the word ‘traumatized’. Sticking around with some douchebag that doesn’t return your texts right away doesn’t qualify as trauma. It qualifies as her sucking at relationships.

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    cdobbs June 22, 2011, 9:36 am

    Do the guy a favor and MOA. Its not fair to him that you are basically lying to him. You should have been honest from the start. Imagine being with a guy, falling in love with him, only to find out that he is not attracted to you. Let this guy move on to someone who will love him for who he is, its the right thing to do.

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    ReginaRey June 22, 2011, 8:44 am

    You have gone from one extreme to another, and neither are working for you. You said you used to date guys who were unavailable and who dated you for all the wrong reasons. I applaud you for realizing that and for trying to date someone emotionally available. But have you realized that what those guys did to YOU, you are now doing to HIM?

    I think you might believe that what you’re in now is healthier than the relationships you used to be in. You might believe that because you’re now with a guy who is available and treats you well, you’re in a healthy relationship. What you’re in now may be different than what you’re used to, but it’s just as unhealthy in it’s own way. I think you need to redefine your definition of “healthy,” because it sounds pretty skewed at the moment.

    A healthy relationship requires TWO people being available emotionally, sexually, mentally, without having to force it. You are trying so hard to make this guy fit, maybe because he’s better than any of the guys you’ve dated in the past. But just because he’s better doesn’t mean he’s right for you. Can you imagine for a second staying with this guy? Never being attracted to him, never wanting to tell him you love him? Don’t do to him what others have done to you. Move on, and focus on finding someone who you NATURALLY fall for, and who naturally falls for you too. Someone you want to have sex with, kiss, and who you’d like for everyone to know that you love. That’s a healthy relationship!

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      MsMisery June 22, 2011, 9:20 am

      Yeah, just don’t go back to the other extreme, LW (and maybe figure out why you go after those unavailable, not-great types so often as well).

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie June 22, 2011, 8:46 am

    Your doing yourself and him a disservice to put it mildly. Explain it to him as best you can and MOA. The longer you wait the more emotional turmoil and drama will occur.
    MOA-MOA-MOA-MOA-MOA-MOA-MOA-MOA-MOA

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  • avatar

    SGMcG June 22, 2011, 9:46 am

    Some people have different reasons why they choose to stay in a relationship. One of your reasons may be sexual attraction/spark with that person. There’s nothing wrong with that – most people choose to be in a relationship because of how intense that spark is. Yet for you to stay in a relationship even though you don’t feel that spark, when you know it is important to you, only because it provides and looks good on paper towards marriage, is wrong. Not only is it a disservice to the guy who wants a genuine relationship with all the aspects it covers, but it’s also hurting YOU because it’s preventing you from finding that person who stimulates your whole being.

    Not only do you need to MOA, but perhaps you also need to maybe take yourself out of the dating scene for awhile. Four months from one intense monogamous committed relationship to another doesn’t give your head time to evaluate what you want nor does it give your heart time to heal from the heartbreak you experienced. The only way to break the cycle of serial monogamy (especially one wrought with unavailable or wrong men) is to first do the right thing for yourself and learn about who you are as a woman, without the bubble of coupledom to surround you. Some time with the single life in the midst of your dating history not only enhances the relationship you have with yourself, yet may also help you focus on what you truly desire in a partner. Stop going to extremes and take a moment for yourself. Just let the guy you’ve been unfortunately stringing along for 7 months now in the meantime – you are never going to be capable of providing what he wants so MOA.

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    SpaceySteph June 22, 2011, 9:50 am

    I was in a very similar situation to yours. A few months after a traumatic breakup with my boyfriend of 2 years, I started dating this guy I met at an online dating site. He was SO nice, way different from my ex… he treated me like a lady, took me to fun and interesting things, his friends were awesome, he actually claimed to be interested in meeting my parents when they came to visit. He was an engineer going to law school (my grandfather’s dream is that I would have taken my engineering degree into patent law), I am an engineer working as an engineer… we had tons to talk about.
    Too bad I was not the least bit attracted to him. I stayed with him for about 2 months, having to force myself to kiss him, making up excuses not to go further, etc. The reason I stayed so long, and I suspect the reason you did too, is that I figured I was not quite over my ex and therefore not capable of being attracted to him. But he was nice and I enjoyed his company… if I just hung on, it would happen. I’d be over my ex and then I’d be ready to love this guy who was perfect on paper.
    The reason I finally dumped him? I went on a date with another guy I met at a party (there was no agreement to be exclusive with the other guy). He kissed me.. and I liked it. Then I realized that even though I was maybe not over my ex, that wasn’t the reason that I wasn’t attracted to this guy. The chemistry just wasn’t there. So, LW, quit holding on. Perfect on paper, the nicest guy ever, without chemistry its not he right relationship for you. Don’t string him along any longer.

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    Addie Pray June 22, 2011, 9:56 am

    LW, I do this too. I date/pursue the wrong guys and get my feelings all trampled on. Then a nice guy comes along that I’m not very attracted too but he likes me so much and is so nice and we have interests in common, so I try to force a relationship…And it never ever works. And then I’m lonely again, and I’m certain there is something wrong with me, that I’m pre-destined to have shitty relationships or no relationship at all. I often go back to dating/pursuing the wrong guys because I figure, because there’s something inately wrong with me, these wrong guys are as good as it’s going to get, so I may as well take what I can get. I know intellectually that is the dumbest thing I’ve ever uttered (ok, one of the dumbest), but for some reason, it’s how I feel. … I still feel that way. So come on people, give this LW some good advice that I can piggie back on. In my case, LW, I think it has to do with self-esteem (or lack there of) and knowing what I want (or don’t want). I have to figure those things out. Maybe you do too?

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      terse_man June 24, 2011, 11:14 pm

      Do yourself a favor, learn about hypergamy. It will explain why you do what you do.

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    BoomChakaLaka June 22, 2011, 9:57 am

    Echoing the sentiments above, you can’t force yourself to be sexually attracted to someone. Honestly, I think this is the closest thing to the proverbial “spark” that we all seek in a companion. While this doesn’t have to be the most important aspect of any relationship, its pretty high up there in terms of what makes a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. I would also refer you to an article that Wendy posted yesterday regarding “Why Men Cheat.” One of the most surprising reasonings was anxiety of “failing in the sack.” Although your bf might be using words such as love and marriage around you, I’m pretty sure he’s picking up on the fact that you aren’t interested him in that way. He might be a good man now, but your actions are going to definitely turn him off and away.

    Leave him. You will find someone that treats you just as well and can turn you on too!

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    LTC039 June 22, 2011, 9:03 am

    Please let this nice guy go! The only thing that is wrong here is the way you are leading him on. The fact that you are not sexually attracted to him doesn’t make you shallow. It happens & if you have to force yourself to just kiss him, that’s a BIG red flag waving furiously!! Let him go, & take time for yourself to re-evaluate & also heal from your past relationship that you are not over.
    STOP leading this guy on! Dump him YESTERDAY!

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    Allie June 22, 2011, 10:18 am

    I’ll agree with the other comments…it’s time to MOA. But PLEASE don’t tell him that it’s because you aren’t attracted to him–imagine how you would feel if a guy you were very into said “Sorry, I like you, but you’re just not attractive to me”. It could be that you just aren’t ready for a very serious relationship right now (since he’s mentioned love and marriage, I think this excuse could work well). Whatever reason feels believable and somewhat honest. Just telling him the truth, however, would be unnecessarily cruel in my opinion.

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    _jsw_ June 22, 2011, 10:23 am

    LW, I can assure you that, as bad as it seems to you it’ll be to break up with him now,you will look back and wish you had if you don’t.

    Your only alternatives are to mislead him longer, to force yourself into a relationship that isn’t right for you, and/or to eventually cause him to hate you for not wanting him.

    Now is better than tomorrow. No matter what the excuse is to wait, there will always be a better one next week, and you’ll never do it if you wait for “the right time.”

    Do it today.

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      plasticepoxy June 22, 2011, 1:03 pm

      I can make that assurance too. I don’t have the same experience as the LW, but I do know that every time I’ve NOT broken off a relationship, I end up doing so eventually and it is so much more painful and difficult to do the longer things go on. Your future self will thank you if you force yourself to face this now.

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    Yozi June 22, 2011, 10:49 am

    LW I guarantee that somebody else will find your guy attractive. Do the kind thing and set him free. Attraction works both ways, and after time he will most likely feel a loss of sexual interest in you as well because people pick up on their partner’s lack of interest and it deflates their balloon so to speak. It feels good to desire and be desired. You’re not doing him (or yourself) any favors by sticking around.

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    the1little1one June 22, 2011, 10:55 am

    Girlfriend, stop putting yourself through this. I’ve been there — in my case it was, maybe, two months. I tried. I knew he was super nice, great, and doing all the right things. What was WRONG with me? But the attraction not being there just made me miserable. I wasn’t excited to see him or kiss him, and whenever he did one of those “right things,” I just felt awful. It sucked, but I just told him it wasn’t working for me and that I thought we’d be better off as friends. I don’t even know that you need to delve into a lengthy explanation that might hurt him (nobody wants to hear their just not attractive enough!), so even if you just leave it as “I’m just not feeling it/this isn’t right/isn’t meant to be, I’m sorry” — I think you’ll be okay. And this nice guy will be okay. And he will be MORE okay the SOONER you act. Don’t wait, LW! Let him find someone who’s attracted to him. And let yourself find someone who is a mix of those “right things” AND head-over-heels attraction. You deserve it!

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    HmC June 22, 2011, 11:25 am

    LW, think of it this way- he deserves better. He deserves to be with someone that loves him deeply and is compatible with him sexually. Don’t kid yourself by thinking you are doing him any favors by staying with him. You are not only wasting your time, but also his. Release both of you to find more suitable partners. Do it in person and be honest without being brutal. If getting dumped by one person who isn’t right for him ruins his life, then he is messed up in ways that have nothing to do with you.

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    Lindsay June 22, 2011, 11:42 am

    I’ve been in this situation before. Not seven months of it, but a month or so where I was hoping that I was just getting to know a nice guy instead of already knowing that I wasn’t interested in him. You shouldn’t feel bad for not being attracted to him. That’s out of your control. He’s not the only nice guy in the world, and there’s someone else who will find him attractive.

    But you should feel bad if you don’t end things with him immediately. The sexual attraction will not suddenly begin at this point. And you’re only leading him on. You know how I said there’s someone else who will find him attractive? If you keep seeing him even though you don’t want to, you’re going to keep him from meeting some other girl who actually wants to be with him.

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      dobby June 22, 2011, 11:47 am

      I think most of us have been in this situation but, like you, we only let it go for a month or so and then bow out, realizing it isn’t right and won’t work. I know I have and I think that is part of the normal dating cycle as we look for the right match. But seven months is a long time to be in this type of relationship and to be lying to and hurting another person.

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    Sarah June 22, 2011, 11:55 am

    “I don’t want to end up alone or realize that he was the best thing in my life after he is gone.”

    Ok, you neeeeed to stop putting your fears and hang ups onto other men.

    Man I’m not attracted to > being alone

    How the hell is that fair to anybody to be in that equation? How would you like to hear this? “Hey, lw, I’m not attracted to you and I’ll probably always refuse you sex, but you bring me cool stuff and I’m afraid of being alone, so…”

    “I don’t want to hurt his feelings as I believe in Karma and think that it will come back to bite me.”

    Excuse. You are not attracted to him, but you felt like you’ve led him on (which you have) and now you don’t want to do the dirty deed and break up with him. You don’t want to be the bad guy, I get it. But to be honest, that ship has sailed. This man did not fall deeply in love with you enough to bring up marriage on his own, he needed help, encouragement. He needed you to reciprocate. And this whole time you’ve been telling him how much you care for him while rejecting him sexually and forcing yourself to not dry heave when he touches you. AND thinking of your ex boyfriend.

    Be the person he thinks you are, break up with him. The longer you wait to do this, the harder its going to hit on his self esteem. Can you imagine dating someone who wont show you physical affection without having to force themselves to? I don’t need to imagine, it happened to me. Dating a man who lost interest in me months before we broke up was one of the worst experiences in my life, that dragged on far too long because this bf would continue to tell me how much he cared for me, and I loved him too much to be the one to break it off. Be kind, break up with him. And next time, figure out if you’re attracted to him on the first date.

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      spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 1:20 pm

      Saying “I love you” and then not being physically intimate is the Tyrannosaurus of all mixed signals.

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        _jsw_ June 22, 2011, 1:26 pm

        I dunno. That’d be like whispering “i have feelings for you” and then screaming “BUT YOU’RE NOT ATTRACTIVE TO ME!!!

        Not all that mixed. 😉

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        spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 1:29 pm

        1) AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAA!!!!!

        2) The LW is so cold-blooded that I wouldn’t put it past her. Kernel of truth in every joke, I suppose.

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        TheOtherMe June 22, 2011, 1:31 pm

        You’re so feisty today !

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        spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 1:56 pm

        Feisty? I thought I was holding back. What I really wanted to say was:

        Dear LW,

        Nearly all of the commenters think that you should MOA because “You should find someone that makes you happy!” or “You have to love yourself first before your self-esteem won’t undermine your relationship” or simply “You should be honest with yourself”. I’m saying that you should MOA because you’re a heartless sociopath who is currently unworthy of love. You may not have always been this way, you may not always be this way, but you are acting like it right now.

        Seven months? How do you keep up that gross charade and still sleep at night for seven months? Serial killers stalk their victims for less time. That is seriously chilling. Oh, and that sense of ‘karma’ you’re feeling? It’s called a human conscience. Most of us have one and it’s really useful for this kind of stuff.

        So do the right thing here and continue to do what you have been doing: lie. Whenever your next quibble comes up with your alleged boyfriend, just blow up and end the relationship over it. It’s the most effective way to spare his feelings. Sad, but true.

        Kisses,

        Spaceboy

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        TheOtherMe June 22, 2011, 3:01 pm

        I stand corrected 😀

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        Maracuya June 22, 2011, 3:03 pm

        Thank you! 🙂 But I do think a lot of commenters chimed in with, “It sucks for him” and “He deserves better.”

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        JuanDon June 23, 2011, 2:11 pm

        spaceboy761 wins the best post of the thread trophy.

        In fact, his comment should be posted in the women’s bath/locker/dressing room of any school, restaurant, hair salon, clothing store or gym that caters to women 18-25.

        There is a simple reason for LW’s actions. She is devastatingly immature.

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:04 pm

        Oh. My. God.

        It’s been seven months. Not a lifetime. Gross charade? Good grief. She’s been dating him. He’s also been along on the dates. It’s clear he’s pushing this along. I don’t see why so many seem to blame her alone.

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        Sarah June 22, 2011, 2:14 pm

        My darling, my heart flutters at the sight of you! DON’T TOUCH ME. WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING ME. My soul mate, I spend every night wishing for your embrace! WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO HOLD MY HAND? My true love, I long for you! MY SKIN LITERALLY BURNS WHEN YOU TOUCH IT.

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        spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 2:25 pm

        This is funnier if he’s wearing Victorian formal wear and she’s wearing a tank top and Juicy Couture sweats.

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        Sarah June 22, 2011, 2:38 pm

        Great, now I can’t stop thinking of some Skinimax version of “Pride and Prejudice”.

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        spaceboy761 June 22, 2011, 2:57 pm

        I would watch the HELL out of that.

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      • katie

        Katie June 22, 2011, 6:40 pm

        i want to thumbs up every comment right here. yep.

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      convexed June 22, 2011, 6:49 pm

      Yeah. I had a boyfriend, whom I loved so much, tell me gradually, in small doses, over the course of 5 months, that he was questioning if love was real or just a construct, and if sex was just a time-wasting base instinct to be avoided. He become very poetically vocal about how many beautiful women there are on TV, and started saying that it’s natural for people to lose interest in each other over time. He didn’t have the bravery to break up with me in June, when I know he knew it was over for him. I finally ended it in November, when he came out and said he despised me.
      All of his insults were framed as theoretical/existential musings, hypothetical rather than about me and him, and he would quickly retract them when pressed. Like the LW’s bf, sure, I should have wised up and left, but it’s so hard to realize that when the truth you suspect is devastating and your love is deliberately dodging the issue to spare your feelings/outsmart karma/’experiment’ with new dating styles, etc blah blah. Or, he waited from June to November because he thought he could like me again.
      This is the worst misery, months of limbo between the lies you try not to tell yourself about what his actions could mean, and the careful lies your partner tells that are almost, but not quite, fucking obvious.
      I think it’s very generous of so many commenters to think of what the LW deserves and to give the benefit of the doubt that she just made a common learning mistake, but: this is so so shitty to live through on the other side, and no one who can do this to another person ‘deserves’ a happy relationship, until they’ve done the time in their own head and heart to become worthy of anything but harsh critique.

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    NaturalBlue June 22, 2011, 12:00 pm

    I have been in this EXACT position before where I had one guy that I was madly in love with but was completely emotionally (and sometimes physically) unavailable and a nice guy that was crazy about me that I had no physical interest in. I genuinely liked the “Nice Guy” and we got along great but I had zero interest in having sex with him. I felt the same way that you do, like I was shallow or a bad person, and that guilt, along with my selfishness in loving the attention that he gave me that I couldn’t get from the other guy, kept me in that relationship for far too long and I ended up hurting him despite my best intentions.

    The other commenters are right. You can’t force chemistry, it’s there or it isn’t and if it isn’t there is nothing you can do to create it. Let him go so he can find someone that will be attracted to him and love him the way he deserves. Remember how he treated you though so you can hold the next guy (who you will hopefully have an attraction to) up to his example.

    Also, a piece of advice, do your best to let the other guy go too. As someone who went through something similar, I know it took me a LONG time to finally, really realize that the emotionally unavailable guy was bad for me. I was obsessed with him, thought about him all the time, chased after him for a year when it should have been clear to me (to ANYONE) that he was not interested in giving me the relationship I so craved from him. Honestly, I still think about him but I finally have some distance and perspective about the situation. This guy is not going to give you what you want so you need to MOA and find it with someone else.

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    lk June 22, 2011, 12:03 pm

    LW, you can’t continue to date this man but I can tell you appreciate his positive traits & the positive aspects of your current relationship with him. Please make a list of the ways in which he makes you feel safe & special so that, when you are single & considering what it is you want & need from a relationship, you can have him as a reference point.

    When ending it, I’d share the positives from your list with him as a preface & then tell him, very clearly, that you aren’t ready for anything serious & that you don’t want anything serious with him. Please resist the urge to stay friends with him to indulge your own ego, even if he insists this is what he wants. It will be easier for him & you if you instigate a No Contact policy to give yourselves both time to re-acclimate to life without each other.

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    jessielyn June 22, 2011, 1:29 pm

    You need to let him go. You shouldn’t feel guilty that you are not attracted to him. That is something you need in a relationship and something you cannot force.

    Think about if the tables were reversed. Would you want a guy who thought you were an amazing person, but he had to force himself to kiss you? No! Because everyone deserves someone who is attracted to them and loves them for who they are. And that includes you. So do him and yourself a favor and end it. And now that you know what it is like to be treated well, hopefully you can work on looking for the total package. He is out there and you will find him. Good luck.

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    fallonthecity June 22, 2011, 1:38 pm

    Everyone else has covered the whole “MOA, you both deserve better” thing. Other people have talked about this, too:

    “I want to be sexually attracted to him because I think he will be a good provider and is definitely marriage material but I don’t know how to get myself there.”

    But I just have to say… what does this even mean? LW, be your own provider. You’ll be doing everyone you ever seriously date (and yourself) a huge favor. If you’re not busy worrying about whether they can provide for you, you’ll be able to pay more attention to whether or not you’re actually compatible with them.

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    • katie

      Katie June 22, 2011, 6:30 pm

      ah yes this is so true!!

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    Emma June 22, 2011, 1:49 pm

    Oh lawdy…
    First, honey, that isn’t how karma work. Read the wikipedia article or something. Second, you’re only going to hurt him more in the long run if you stay with him. Sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship (not the end-all-be-all, but still key), and trying to have a relationship without it will only make you resent him, and him sad because he has to ask for your affection. You’ll be angering Shiva if you stay with him without the attraction. (note: yes, that last bit was a joke)

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    MJ June 22, 2011, 2:19 pm

    I am friends with a guy that this happened to. After three very confusing months, she dumped him, and he’s still kind of hurt about what happened. She avoided giving him the truth for a long time, but eventually did end up telling him because he pushed her on it. Basically she said, “I was never really into you, I was into what you could give me” (attention, care, devotion, etc.). That was bad, and even though he finally had the truth, it was also really devastating.

    So, LW, you need to end this now. He’s going to be seriously hurt, and confused, and probably push you for more explanation than you want to give him. Honestly, if you can avoid telling him the truth, I think you should. Keep it as simple and as much about you and your issues as you can, and if he keeps pressing you on it, don’t take his calls or respond after a certain point.

    Now that you’ve had a nice guy, though, you know what to look for. But you also know what you need in terms of chemistry. Too bad for him it took you 7 months to figure it out.

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    Maracuya June 22, 2011, 3:04 pm

    If I had to get over the grossness of kissing someone–bad sign. Also I couldn’t do it. Let’s put it this way: I had a bunch of crawfish and then food poisoning where I was sick for a whole day.

    A month and a half later, I go to a sushi bar and order the lunch special. Oops, it’s crawfish sushi (?) So I think, “Maybe I’ll like this even though it didn’t agree with me last time and I have no desire to eat this.” I got one piece down, but I felt nauseous looking at the rest. Then I thought, “Maybe it’s just the first one.” And then my gag reflex kicked in. So I gave the roll to my coworker and ate something different.

    Moral of the story being, stop eating crawfish sushi and pretending to like it. There can be no good outcome.

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    demoiselle June 22, 2011, 3:18 pm

    You have learned something from this guy about what a relationship with a stable, good man is like. Now gently extract yourself and try to find someone attractive (to you) who offers the same virtues. They are out there, and if you cling to this relationship out of fear, you’ll end up hurting both of you even worse. With the memory of this healthy(ish) relationship, you may be better equipped to avoid bad ones in the future.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark June 22, 2011, 3:52 pm

    For his sake, just end it. Seriously. Just end it. Dating him right now is INCREDIBLY selfish. Just let him find somebody who truly appreciates him in every way. Dating some poor sap for SEVEN months when you aren’t attracted isn’t just selfish —- it’s downright cruel. How little you seem to value both him AND his time… Stop stringing him along…it’s just plain mean.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster June 22, 2011, 3:41 pm

    Stop reading self-help books to convince yourself into staying with this guy. It sounds to me like you’re more willing to believe there’s something wrong with you than that there’s something wrong with the relationship. You say this man might be the best thing in your life, but what you’ve written contradicts that. You may have dated men who didn’t treat you right in the past, but that doesn’t mean you’re compatible with this guy just because he buys you flowers and watches movies with you. There are many facets to compatibility beyond just being treated right. If you’re feeling this much anxiety over the situation, it’s clear that sexual compatibility is very important to you. There is nothing wrong with that. It does not make you shallow to honor your needs. Do you really want to take this thing towards marriage and children when you can’t even get in the sack with him? If you’re truly worried about this sort of “karma” coming back to you, think of all the bad karma you’re racking up by leading him on.

    You need to break up with this nice guy and do it asap. You don’t have to tell him you’re not attracted to him, but you should tell him something truthful and definitive so that he doesn’t think there’s any possibility of you changing your mind. You’re going to hurt his feelings no matter what you say, so I suggest telling him he’s a great guy, but you realize now that marriage and children have been brought up that you don’t see that kind of future together.

    If you’re worried about winding up alone there are plenty of resources out there to help people find love today. If you read Dear Wendy at all you can see how popular and successful online dating sites can be. If you’re going to read self-help books, read ones about self-love and acceptance. When you truly love yourself, you’ll be surprised how everything else falls into place.

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    Lucy June 22, 2011, 5:28 pm

    I’ll spare you any recriminations about what you ‘should’ have done in the past. I sympathize with your desire to stop dating inappropriate men and find someone who cares for you and treats you well. But both you and your boyfriend deserve to have authentic relationships, and right now you are denying that both to yourself and to him. You need to break up with him now; the sooner you end it, the sooner he can get over you and move on. Don’t sell yourself or him short any longer.

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    Christy June 22, 2011, 5:36 pm

    I haven’t read the other comments yet, but if you’re not sexually attracted to him after 7 months, you’re not going to ever be. Marriages are based on sexual attraction too, not just being a nice provider. *You will not be alone forever if you dump him.* You’re doing a disservice to yourself and him by staying with him. If you believe in karma and think the consequences will be bad for dumping him, the consequences for staying with him (a marriage you don’t want to be in!) will be worse. There’s nothing wrong with being honest and moving on.

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      Christy June 22, 2011, 5:38 pm

      P.S. what is it about our society that makes people think there’s only one nice guy in the world? And that not being married is the worst fate a woman can face?!

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  • katie

    Katie June 22, 2011, 6:27 pm

    i was listening to the radio a couple weeks ago, and this lady was one who had written a book which was called “find the love of your life” or something like that. she talked about how so so many women are in unhappy relationships and marriages because they aren’t looking for the love of their life- they are looking for stability, money, a good father, ect, ect. her point was that the man who is the love of you life will be all those things, and if you are with him, some of those things might not even matter.

    you deserve to be with someone who you are attracted to, in every way.

    please let this guy go and don’t lead him on anymore.

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      spaceboy761 June 23, 2011, 9:46 am

      “you deserve to be with someone who you are attracted to, in every way.”

      No, actually she deserves to be repeatedly stung by bees.

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        nagsbane June 23, 2011, 2:07 pm

        This type of behavior is what makes men misogynistic. For God’s sake, stop using him to validate your puny ego! And stop pretending you care about his feelings – you are lying to him EVERY TIME YOU SPEAK WITH HIM. The fact is that, despite your “compliments” about how nice he is, you DO NOT RESPECT this man. And no wonder, he is putting up with your BS! You have no clue what you want from men. Let me clue you in – it’s not this Casper Milquetoast. I hope grows a pair and dumps you like a bad habit.

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      • katie

        Katie June 23, 2011, 6:11 pm

        i was just trying to be nice, but i really do agree with you…

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    Jennifer June 22, 2011, 6:28 pm

    Kudos to you for trying to break your bad dating habits, but he is not the only “nice” guy left in the world. There are plenty more out there that you will be physically attracted to. I know, I’ve checked! Also, don’t downplay the importance of physical attraction and chalk it all up to you being shallow. You are not shallow for wanting sexual chemistry in your relationship; you deserve it! It’s part of a healthy relationship. It sounds like you’ve given the search for that chemistry plenty of time and energy to no avail. It’s time to MOA.

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    Leyahn June 22, 2011, 8:45 pm

    If in seven months you have not discovered a spark, you never will.

    When I was a single mom to a young toddler, I met the most wonderful man. Compassionate, intelligent, handsome, financially solvent, giving and kind, adored my son and adored me.
    I so very much wanted to fall in love with him – he was perfect – and I mean perfect.
    But there was absolutely no physical attraction on my side.
    Oh, I tried, but I just was never able to do more than kiss, even under the influence of a couple glasses of wine.
    So I stopped seeing him.
    It was unfair to him to let it go on any longer.
    He deserved a woman who was able to give herself fully to him.
    I just was not that woman, no matter how much I wanted to be.

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    Paulo June 23, 2011, 9:11 am

    It’s funny that everyone is giving her kudos when she’s basically saying that she wants to stay with this guy because he’ll be a good provider. She’s looking for someone to take care of her, and is willing to deceive him in order to accomplish that. How is that OK?

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom June 23, 2011, 10:41 am

    You’re acting as if you’re broken and can fix yourself to make yourself attracted to him. You’re not broken! You just have no chemistry and you almost certainly never will. You can’t force chemistry, it is or it isn’t.

    MOA. That doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t have great chemistry with some other nice guy. It just means that him being a great guy isn’t enough. You need a great guy with chemistry. I could have gone out with lots of nice guys but didn’t feel any kind of spark with any of them and turned them down. When I finally met my husband the chemistry was there instantly and he was a super nice guy. Just be picky and willing to wait for the right nice guy to come along.

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    Salene June 23, 2011, 1:37 pm

    Have you considered that you may be a lesbian?

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      PFG-SCR June 23, 2011, 4:47 pm

      Wendy – where did your site get linked to at about 1:30 p.m. this afternoon? AskMen.com?

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy June 23, 2011, 4:50 pm

        Instapundit. The diversity of opinion is good for discussion!

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        PFG-SCR June 23, 2011, 4:53 pm

        Ah, I was off by 5 minutes…super.

        ROISSY, CALL YOUR OFFICE: I wonder what the Pickup Artist crowd would say about this?

        Posted at 1:25 pm by Glenn Reynolds

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    novaculus June 23, 2011, 1:52 pm

    Look, you already used the guy to gratify your emotional needs for months. You have already deceived him about how you feel, stringing him along for your own purposes. Now the relationship has reached a point where you can no longer suppress the awareness of how shoddily you have used this guy, NOW you are ready to move on.

    So, in order to avoid the reality of how you have exploited the guy, now you are going to convince yourself that you are concerned about HIS feelings, feelings you haven’t been the least concerned about when he was serving your purposes.

    I agree you should break it off with this poor slob, and immediately. But if you really want to do the right thing, come clean. Tell him you are an immature and emotionally needy person who has used him disgracefully. Tell him you have lying to him about the possibility of a sexual relationship because you wanted to keep on using him and the relationship to support yourself emotionally. Tell him you are just beginning to realize how badly you have used him, that you can’t continue lying to him, that you are ashamed of yourself.

    Because you should be ashamed of yourself. And the best medicine for both of you now is the truth.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 4:47 pm

      “Look, you already used the guy to gratify your emotional needs for months.”

      What are you basing that on? In what way has she used him? Does he have no onus on him to be aware of some of the basics of relationships? When you need to keep asking someone if they’re attracted to you… they aren’t attracted to you. This is not rocket science.

      So, he is as culpable as she. Given no positive reinforcement, he keeps the attempt at a relationship going based on trying not to pay attention to reality. People seem to think the LW is cruel for staying, but he too is wrong for refusing to acknowledge the fact that he’s forcing this on her.

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        novaculus June 23, 2011, 8:25 pm

        If she wasn’t using him for emotional support, what was the point? He was paying for the pizzas? She just got dumped by the last guy who treated her badly, and so she fed her ego with this schmuck’s blind adoration.

        Don’t you get it? She dates this guy for months, when from the get-go she knows he doesn’t appeal to her physically? His looks were a FEATURE, not a BUG. His looks guaranteed that she wouldn’t fall for him, and therefore he couldn’t hurt her. But is sure is good for the ego to have a man around fawning over you, buying you dinner and flowers and keeping you from being alone, isn’t it?

        And for the record, he was asking for it. I hope she tells him the truth, and he realizes how badly she has treated him. I hope his next emotion is anger with himself, for playing the fool. He needs to do some soul-searching too.

        But the fact that he is a fool and vulnerable doesn’t absolve her of responsibility for taking advantage of him. In fact, it makes it worse.

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 8:47 pm

        You seem convinced that it’s an issue with his looks. For all we know, he looks like a model. She’s just not attracted to him. She might find him attractive in an objective sense but feel no chemistry with him.

        I don’t see anything wrong at all with her trying to see if her initial lack of attraction was simply due to her still having desires for someone else and not being open to being attracted to anyone else. He was different that the other type she’d been dating, and that might include a different physical type (but it doesn’t mean he’s unattractive in general). So.. she gave it time to see if she’d uncover some genuine attraction to him. She didn’t.

        Now she knows, soon he’ll know for certain (although he suspects now), and they’ll both move on. It’s not like she knocked him out and stole a kidney. He’ll recover.

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        novaculus June 23, 2011, 9:17 pm

        Read it again: “I feel like a horrible and shallow person by saying this but I am not attracted to his body type. ‘

        She knew from the beginning she wasn’t attracted to “his body type”. She wasn’t just testing the water, she played this fish for months.

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    patrick June 23, 2011, 1:53 pm

    Just wondering, why does everyone automatically assume that sexual chemistry can’t be learned or deliberately changed? It seems profoundly odd to encourage people to take control over their romantic lives but ignore the possibility that they also have control over what they do and do not find sexually attractive. It may not be easy and it may not be worth it — that’s a decision that the individual has to make — but it’s certainly possible.

    Talk to anyone who’s been married to the same person for a few decades. Talk to someone who’s partner suffered an injury, lost a limb, went through chemotherapy, got pregnant, became depressed, etc.. etc…. People change; attraction changes.

    Good relationships require work.

    The question isn’t whether or not you find this guy sexually attractive, the question is whether or not you love him enough to put in the work to find out. And this isn’t a condemnation; you don’t have to want to work with everyone. But you shouldn’t decide that you never have to work with anyone.

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      PFG-SCR June 23, 2011, 4:46 pm

      “Talk to anyone who’s been married to the same person for a few decades.”

      While I haven’t been married for a few decades, I’ve been with my husband for over two decades, and while I agree that people change, if you don’t feel the attraction at the beginning of a relationship, there’s no way you’ll feel it later. And, I don’t disagree that good relationships require work _some_of_the_time, but you shouldn’t have to work at feeling attraction for your significant other. She can’t even kiss him. There’s no amount of work that will make her “feel it” enough if she can’t even stand the idea of kissing him. Life is too short to settle for someone who doesn’t make you want to bone their brains out at seven months.

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        patrick June 23, 2011, 5:22 pm

        Only she can decide if he’s worth the effort. He, or the relationship, may not be worth it. There’s nothing wrong with that.

        My point is only that it’s wrong to think that there’s any part of a relationship that you shouldn’t have to attend to. The idea that sexual chemistry “just exists” or “just happens” confines you to a world where the most significant decisions you make are ruled by random chance.

        I suggest that most modern American relationships begin with sexual chemistry and later develop intimate, psychological chemistry. I think that’s a relatively modern conception of romance and while it feels “normal” to us, there’s nothing necessarily prescriptive about that order. It’s entirely possible for two people to develop a psychological intimacy and then work on the physical chemistry.

        I’m not saying she “should” do anything, only pointing out that it’s not entirely out of her control. If she takes responsibility for her own happiness, rather than just simply wishing for something different, then she’ll have better relationships.

        Finally, I think there’s a key component missing in all of this. What, exactly, is it about him that she doesn’t respond to? Is it identifiable? She says “body type” but what does that mean? Is it something that he would like to change about himself as well?

        Most of the advice here has been utterly fatalistic: “Nothing you can do.” “If you don’t feel it now, you never will.” “Women are attracted to jerks.” “Nice guys finish last.” All of that is nonsense. Fatalistic platitudes are good for masking fears, but not much else.

        Better advice would be: What is it that you like about him? Do you love him? Do you know what it is you don’t like? What would it take for that to change? Can you be honest with him? Can he be honest with you?

        It sounds to me like she’s a young woman trying to figure out what she wants and how she can get it. That’s a tough job. Two jobs, actually. But it doesn’t make any sense to tell her that there’s nothing she can do about it. She can certainly choose to end the relationship, but she shouldn’t hide behind some fatalistic notion of chemistry as an excuse to evade the fact that she’s making a choice and that she can make a different choice if she wants to.

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        PFG-SCR June 23, 2011, 5:38 pm

        “My point is only that it’s wrong to think that there’s any part of a relationship that you shouldn’t have to attend to.”

        Over the course of a long-term relationship, I agree that there likely isn’t anything that won’t need “some” work at “some” point. But, she feels nothing sexual for him at seven months, and she has never felt anything sexual for him during the entire time. There isn’t something “broken” here to fix – it’s just a fundamental component to the relationship that is _nonexistent_, and it’s not something that can be created.

        She knows what she needs to do. He knows what needs to happen. They just both need to be honest with themselves and end it now before they invest any more time into the “relationship”.

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    Capn Dan June 23, 2011, 1:57 pm

    She’ll break up with him and go back to some “hot” and worthless guy, and another good man will come to the conclusion that being caring and respectful is the sure path to being dumped. Good job, ladies.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 4:54 pm

      Then he will come to the wrong conclusion.

      There is nothing wrong with being caring and respectful. However, it’s not sufficient, and also, one can be too subservient. Neither gender wants someone who is so blatantly willing to do anything for them.

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        terse_man June 24, 2011, 11:25 pm

        Where does it say he was subservient? For many women in their 20s, yes they do have problems with nice guys, mainly they are invisible.

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        Di December 12, 2012, 3:40 pm

        _jsw_, thank you for everything you have said! I am five months out of a year long horror sorry of relationship with a man I loved deeply, but who was very abusive. I am trying to change the type of men I date. I met a guy with a great personality, funny, good job, same goals as myself, but the attraction is not there. We’ve had sex twice and ask I could think was “Meh” afterwards. I realized after reading this post and all the responses I an going to have to break it off with this man.
        I called a place today to go get therapy (more therapy, lol, been going for a year already). I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m not attracted to this obviously great guy, but the physical thing is important to me. I’m in pretty good physical condition, this guy isn’t and I appreciate somebody that wants to take care of their body and mind.

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    supah-alpha June 23, 2011, 1:59 pm

    NSA:
    You’re doing this all wrong. The guys who were ‘unavailable’ or attracted to you/you were attracted to them for ‘all the wrong reasons’??? Sorry, that doesn’t fly. You were attracted to those guys, but you didn’t put in the effort to really land any of them. You’re too used to the guy doing all the work. That’s also why you’re hanging out with the current beta loser who brings you flowers and wants to marry you.
    You need to go after those bad bois that you like – and WORK for it. If you try hard enough, you’ll land the guy of your dreams. It’s all up to you.

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    Kasper Hauser June 23, 2011, 2:01 pm

    Perhaps you should sit down with him and explain that you are only attracted to me who misuse and mistreat you….that you have poor self esteem and that there really isn’t much to you.

    Perhaps if he sees you in that light, he will start treating you like trash and then you will be madly in love with him?

    It’s kind of a win-win strategy..

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 4:56 pm

      “Perhaps you should sit down with him and explain that you are only attracted to me who misuse and mistreat you….that you have poor self esteem and that there really isn’t much to you.”

      That was way harsh, Tai. The LW isn’t attracted to this guy, period. She’s tried. That doesn’t at all mean she has poor self esteem or that there really isn’t much to her.

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    MSTRBASS June 23, 2011, 2:02 pm

    listen up …7 mos,no attraction or chemistry and haven’t had sex of any kind ???

    gimme a break,go have sex with the guy and then see if their is anything at all,sometimes the nicest guys are also the best kind of guys to have sex with because underneath that niceness could be a beast that gives you the best sex you have ever had and once that occurs all bets are off as you would then see him for what he truly is

    answer all of your questions before moving on or else you may be sorry,at the very worst that could happen is he svcks in bed and then you can truly move on knowing you made the right decision

    ps its like trying a food for the 1st time,you won’t know until you try it whether you like it or not

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    Dan June 23, 2011, 2:04 pm

    If you insist on telling him the truth (not attracted to him), tell him the whole truth: you lack the self-esteem necessary to be attracted to a person who treats you well.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 4:58 pm

      So, Dan, what you’re saying is that you’d be sexually attracted to any woman who treated you well?

      Really?

      I don’t buy it.

      Self-esteem helps to enable one to admit a lack of attraction as opposed to feeling that one should remain despite the lack of it.

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        Dan June 23, 2011, 5:24 pm

        I’m not saying that at all. But if the characterization helps you avoid this woman’s obvious lack of self-esteem, go ahead.

        Like so many people–men and women–she finds a person she claims to admire, someone who has the traits she wants in a mate but finds herself attracted to those without those qualities. Her sexual desire follows from what she truly values–and how she truly evaluates herself.

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:27 pm

        Her obvious lack of self-esteem?

        She’s an ego-maniac compared to the bf who wants to marry someone so desperately that he doesn’t even notice she won’t even kiss him without being pushed to do so.

        Sexual desire follows from… sexual desire. It can and often is affected positively or negatively by emotional and intellectual considerations, but it cannot be manufactured out of nothing.

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        Dan June 23, 2011, 7:14 pm

        The ego-maniac is always an example of someone who believes he/she is worthless.

        I agree that sexual desire cannot be generated out of nothing; that is My point. You appear to claim the opposite with your statement that it comes from itself.

        Both people in the relationship are, sadly, pathetic.

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        _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 7:23 pm

        “The ego-maniac is always an example of someone who believes he/she is worthless.”

        Not at all true.

        “I agree that sexual desire cannot be generated out of nothing; that is My point. You appear to claim the opposite with your statement that it comes from itself.”

        No, my point is that it is either there or it is not, and it’s not created out of a void by positive emotions and intellectual stimulation. It can only be enhanced or reduced by those things. The LW has zero attraction for him. No matter what you multiply that by, it’s still zero.

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    NAME REDACTED June 23, 2011, 2:06 pm

    More proof that Roissy is right.
    Nuff said.

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    Narniaman June 23, 2011, 2:07 pm

    My compliments to you that you recognize the situation for what it is. I agree with most everyone else here — you should break up with him. It’s much better for you to part ways with him now, rather than get married to someone who adores you, and you in turn cheat on him and part ways that way.

    One question I would ask. . . .do you think maybe part of your like of attraction to him is because. . . .he treats you too nice? Being somewhat older (60), I continue to be amazed at the number of women who fall desperately in love with — and marry — and stay with men who are quite cruel to them.

    The only reason I mention this. . . is it might be worthwhile to get some sort of counseling to see if you might be susceptible to that type of relationship.

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    rrr June 23, 2011, 2:11 pm

    Love isn’t sex and the role of attraction in a relationship is a chimera. Both have their (important) places, but if your decisions are based primarily upon them, unless you are very lucky (meaning you find someone actually willing to look past your shortcomings though you don’t reciprocate), you’ll fail continually in your relationships.

    If you love him, you’ll get past the other stuff. If you don’t, you’re being selfish leading him to think there is something there when there is not.

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    James Felix June 23, 2011, 2:16 pm

    Slightly off topic but… WTF kinda guy gives a woman the full romance treatment for 7 months when she’s reluctant to even kiss him? There’s nice and then there’s just being a sucker / doormat. This is an unfortunate situation all around but I can’t help thinking that some hurt feelings now might do this guy some good in the long run.

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      nagsbane June 23, 2011, 4:26 pm

      An uber-beta kind of guy.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:04 pm

      I completely agree.

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      Dan June 23, 2011, 7:11 pm

      That’s, in part, why she stays with him: his lack of self-worth matches hers.

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    Astroprisoner June 23, 2011, 2:29 pm

    Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons. I started dating him four months a break-up with a guy I was madly in love with and I still think of him.

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      terse_man June 24, 2011, 11:30 pm

      hypergamy — look it up

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    Astroprisoner June 23, 2011, 2:29 pm

    Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons. I started dating him four months a break-up with a guy I was madly in love with and I still think of him.

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    JuanDon June 23, 2011, 2:31 pm

    I’m sorry, but has anyone ever thought that she may actually want to give some physical intimacy with this guy a shot? I know, all of your bodies are delicate flowers the gifts of which need to be guarded like the gold in Fort Knox, but seriously. I’ve been with women of all types in my life, and the one thing I’ve learned is that, when it comes down to it between the sheets, you don’t know what you’re getting into until you actually get into it.

    I’ve ended up in quite long relationships with some women I was only marginally attracted to because when we finally did the deed, it was wonderful, loving, and satisfying. I’ve also ended things with women who I was extremely physically attracted to before we actually were intimate because I found them to be unexciting lovers.

    Give the nice guy a shot. If he’s nice enough to be there for you emotionally, you may be surprised by how well that quality translates over to the physical side of things. I’m reminded by the great quote from one of humanity’s greatest films ever, of all time, ever…Revenge of the Nerds:

    Betty Childs: [gasps] Ahhh! You’re that NERD!
    Lewis: Yeah.
    Betty Childs: [blissfully] Oh, you were wonderful. [gasps in ecstacy]
    Betty Childs: Are all nerds as good as you?
    Lewis: Yes.
    Betty Childs: How come?
    Lewis: ‘Cause all Jocks ever think about is sports, all we ever think about is sex.

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    DeepThought June 23, 2011, 2:33 pm

    Hmm what a surprise…women are attracted to jerks lol.

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      Taurwen June 23, 2011, 11:42 pm

      For the record, I’m not.

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    Astroprisoner June 23, 2011, 2:34 pm

    Before him, I dated guys who were unavailable or just with me for all the wrong reasons. I started dating him four months a break-up with a guy I was madly in love with and I still think of him.

    Now there’s your problem.

    He’s available, he’s right, and he’s with you for the right reasons. And that’s why you’re not attracted. Your brain is saying yes, your heart is saying no.

    Here’s the first big question: after you break up with him (and you will), what type of guy are you going to go back to? If it’s the unavailable/with you for the wrong reason type, you’re not much better off (but you will be getting better sex).

    Here’s the second big question: Why do you keep going to the type of guy who you admit is wrong for you?

    You will need to find and resolve the answers to these two questions before you can be happy.

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    Jack June 23, 2011, 2:38 pm

    He just wanted to believe her. He. Wanted. To. Believe. Her.

    I’m just like that guy. Having learned my lesson, I don’t date anymore. He’s probably a 4 and she’s probably a 7 or 8 in the looks dept.

    I’m just like him. I don’t date anymore. Got tired of spending my money on not much.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:07 pm

      The fact he kept asking means he knew the truth already. Most people aren’t going to come out with “no, actually, I’m not attracted to you in the least” and so will say something polite.

      He might be an attractive guy, just not to her.

      I know that the women I’ve dated and been the most attracted to weren’t always the ones who were the most attractive subjectively.

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    Sparkey June 23, 2011, 2:39 pm

    It’s obvious she has a thing for the a$$-hat Alpha male. Her Beta boy-toy just doesn’t do it for her.

    It’s almost always the most pretty ones too. I’ve seen it happen over & over. Dump the beta for the alpha that will two time you. For whatever reason, these ladies/girls can’t cognitively evaluate their behavior or feelings and are doomed to repeat…

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    Gorbachev June 23, 2011, 2:42 pm

    leilani
    I have been in, and have seen many of my friends in, the only-attracted-to-assholes rut. One of my best friends will have a huge crush on a guy, but then as soon as he starts consistently giving her attention and making clear that he actually likes her (rather than just going home together if they run into each other at a bar), she is no longer attracted to them. It is infuriating to watch. I can’t even tell you how many times she wasn’t into a guy that liked her, and then as soon as they retracted their attention, she was suddenly SUPER into them. I think when guys are emotionally unavailable, sometimes you get so caught up in wanting them to like you that you mistake that feeling for you being extremely attracted to them. I’ve been there before for sure. And then when I met the next guy, I mistakenly thought it was attraction or passion that was missing, as opposed to a dead-end emotional roller coaster.

    Rationalization.

    The nicer a guy is, the more attention he gives you and the better he is to you, the less attractive sexually he’ll be. Sad to say it, but there are two kinds of attraction. One is sexual; the other is personal. You find a man personally attractive when he’s decent and good and reliable.

    You find a man sexually attractive when he’s a cad, unavailable, distant and makes you feel like you’re in danger/at risk in some way.

    I’m sorry, people, but there’s no mystery to this. It’s a near-universal female thing. it all makes sense if you posit two modes of female attraction. Once you do that, it makes sense.

    “That Feeling: of being effortlessly attracted to someone is possible when there’s enough of both. Take away the bad boy completely, and you ‘re left with your brother or your best friend.

    if you don’t like the emotional roller-coaster, you need to come to grips with the nature of female attraction to men and why it works or doesn’t. Don’t fool yourself. It’s too easy to do. It’s not some addiction you can get over. At best, it’s an instinct you can repress – for a time.

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    Arch June 23, 2011, 2:50 pm

    This is what happens when an entitlement princess dates one of her beta orbiters just to feed her ego when she can’t have the guy she wants. Nothing shocking, complicated or unique about this situation.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:09 pm

      Aw, been dumped lately?

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    Dave June 23, 2011, 2:50 pm

    Can there be any doubt at all this guy is wealthy?

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    Leonidas June 23, 2011, 1:50 pm

    Buy him a copy of the Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011.

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    mike crosby June 23, 2011, 1:55 pm

    Listen, I do appliance repair and I can’t tell you the number of women I service. And yes, it’s a service. Often their men are stand-up guys, but the women just are not happy in the sexual dept.

    Either she dumps this guy, or finds someone else to take care of her needs when desires arise.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark June 23, 2011, 9:10 pm

      Similarly, women would be AGHAST if they new how often I get hit on by married (aka. Str8? men.) It’s actually very frustrated. Just the other day at IKEA I would up having lunch with this guy and thought we were really hitting it off when he dropped the bomb that he was married. “Oh, whoops,” I said. “Sorry, my mistake. I was totally getting a different vibe from you. Silly me.” Mr Till Death Do Us Part reached over and grabbed my hand, saying: “No, man. You get it. I love my wife, sure. But, dude, I have needs!”

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    dumbfounded June 23, 2011, 3:01 pm

    Break up with him now, please, and spare him and yourself the inevitable misery.
    I met my ex-wife when we were both 19. After 12 years and 2 children, she told me that she realized she wasn’t frigid, she just wasn’t sexually attracted to me. She didn’t want to work on it, she wanted to take the house, the kids and the monthly support checks and start a new life. I don’t think that either of us are happier today. She misses the discretionary income and I miss seeing my kids every day.

    Walk away now or you’re just going to compound the inevitable misery.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:09 pm

      Word. Seriously, it won’t ever get to be a better time to end it than now.

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    luvpassion1000 June 23, 2011, 3:02 pm

    It’s classic…nice guys get manipulated, girls want the passionate bad boy. Roissy is right. Roissy is ALWAYS right.
    Two pieces of advice for the advice seeker. Go permanently for the bad boys that gets the juices flowing.
    Or, marry this guy, suck it up, and have passionate affairs from time to time.

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    Russell Armor June 23, 2011, 3:07 pm

    Sheesh, woman. Go sleep with a sleeze that excites you, then raise the baby on your own, because no decent man will agree to raise your delinquent after you fucked his head up. You are right. You are shallow and you aren’t doing the guy any favors.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:12 pm

      I’m sorry you can’t seem to find anyone who wants to date you. Otherwise, I don’t get where the misogyny is coming from.

      It takes two to tango. The LW’s bf is just as guilty here.

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        terse_man June 24, 2011, 11:45 pm

        You seem to assume a lot about the commenters. Also, does he mention mysogyny. Please comment on the content of the comment.

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        _jsw_ June 25, 2011, 11:19 am

        The content of the comment is that the LW is to sleep with a “sleaze”, get pregnant because she apparently doesn’t know how to use birth control, and then have to raise that child on her own because no “decent” man will raise her “delinquent” child because she’d “fucked his head up” (not sure if he was saying the child would be male and have a fucked up head or that she’d date decent men after having the child, fuck up the heads of those men, then ask them to marry her). He then concluded with the statement that she was shallow and wasn’t doing the guy any favors.

        I’m not sure how you don’t see misogyny there. He’s insulting the LW in multiple ways because – gasp! – she doesn’t tell the bf the brutal truth as to why she’s not sleeping with him. Oh dear. That must make her a terrible person.

        She’s not leading him on. He’s pulling his own damned leash.

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    Observer June 23, 2011, 3:19 pm

    I notice that most of the commenters here appear to be women. I wonder what the comments would be like if the genders of the people in this letter were reversed? A great woman, gentle, kind, compassionate, positive, etc. who was going to be dumped because the writer just didn’t find her attractive? Lets be honest, the wave of crap descending upon THAT writer would have been truly epic.

    Not a single commenter here has even challenged the notion that ‘chemistry’ might be nothing more than a facile excuse, or even utter nonsense. Perhaps it isn’t, but the notion that someone who is that terrific in every other way is unsuitable because of this ‘chemistry’ thing strikes me as shallow in the extreme. I would be willing to bet major bucks that if the writer was a guy, that very comment would have been made more than once, probably a lot more.

    Many others here have said that ‘he deserves better’, and no doubt this is true. But again I wonder, isn’t this also just a little too comfortable…i.e., letting us all feel better about counseling the writer to break up with a terrific guy for reasons that are ultimately rather shallow? Let’s be blunt, the guy is going to be devastated (if he truly feels the way he has been described as feeling about her, ‘devastated’ might even be an understatement), and being told that ‘he deserves better’ is going to be cold comfort indeed. This is going to be painful and unpleasant, and no amount of consolation is going to make it better, largely the result of the cowardly and abusive behavior of the writer. Shallow is bad enough, but being selfish enough to string this along for 7 months…that is a new low…

    MOA, and head back to the abusive pretty boys…chemistry can be caustic too you know…

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 4:28 pm

      “Not a single commenter here has even challenged the notion that ‘chemistry’ might be nothing more than a facile excuse, or even utter nonsense. Perhaps it isn’t, but the notion that someone who is that terrific in every other way is unsuitable because of this ‘chemistry’ thing strikes me as shallow in the extreme.”

      I’m not sure what you mean. If there isn’t an attraction, there isn’t an attraction. I can understand waiting to “detox” to get over another relationship… but it’s been 7 months. She’s never going to be attracted to him, and that’s perfectly reasonable even if everything else about him is great.

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        kilki June 23, 2011, 6:47 pm

        I’m old enough to have seen what happens when one member of a married couple isn’t truly attracted to the other, and it’s seldom good. Typically it’s the wife. Men don’t seem as prone to marry a woman that they don’t find attractive. But women are probably swayed by the desire to find a ‘provider’ and so will compromise, or convince themselves that their feelings will change. That seems to be the LW’s reasoning.

        She should consider what it would be like to live this way for years. No sex, or even much physical contact. Is money and security worth that?

        Also she’s not considering her boyfriend’s needs. He’s going to want to have sex with her eventually. Is she expecting that he’s going to become celibate if they marry?

        Is she OK with the idea of him having an affair, or her having the affair? How about the whole marriage ending acrimoniously with him feeling betrayed and exploited and her feeling that she’s wasted the best years of her life? Because that’s the likely outcome.

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    J Farber June 23, 2011, 3:46 pm

    Are you on The Pill? That could explain it. Your womanly endocrinology is so stone dead – or put into cold storage – that you are not feeling what you yourself say you should be feeling. If you go off The Pill, and in, say, about four or five months, you still don’t want to marry him, well fine. But – it might be The Pill. Without ovulation, there is plenty of hanging out, but no taking the marital plunge. Maybe. Look into it.

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    htom June 23, 2011, 4:11 pm

    For both of you, MOA. All that you need to tell him is that it’s not working for you, and that you both need to do some other dating. Yes, it will probably break both of your hearts. Hearts (almost always) heal from such breakups. In a year, you may find that he’s tremendously sexually attractive, and he may still be interested and available. Win-win. You may each find someone else. Win-win. One of you finds someone and the other hasn’t, yet. Win-shopping. Neither of you has. Shopping-shopping. Continuing, though, is lose-lose. That’s bad for you, bad for him. Why punish both of you for something that’s not the fault of either of you? MOA.

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    Theresa H June 23, 2011, 3:31 pm

    You can have both. You just have to tap into it. Sit him down for a good honest talk, give him a few tips for what might get your engine started and see if he’s willing to go there with you. You might be surprised.

    Athol has a lot of good advice here:

    Buy his book and read it together. Together, you may be able to discover the lover to go with the keeper.
    I don’t even know Athol, so I’m not just trying to flog his book. I’ve found his advice and observations on this subject as invaluable. And if you really like him, it would be worth a try…better than faking it…or regretting later.

    Good luck.

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    Gothic Kitty June 23, 2011, 4:32 pm

    OP is shallow, but it is what it is. She should dump this guy and move on to her next abusive relationship where she lusts after some guy who treats her like crap. Then her current girlfriend can try someone else, and OP will get her sexual tastes satisfied.

    Just don’t complain that men are jerks, OP!

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      Jeeves June 23, 2011, 4:41 pm

      How can I “agree” multiple times on this one? Also totally agree with J Farber. New research shows tons of divorces over wives stopping/starting the pill and drastically changing their sex moods.

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    J Dance June 23, 2011, 4:57 pm

    This is an example of why women, by their claims, “can’t find a good man”. I’m willing to bet this girls prior amores were “bad boys”… and that some abuse would perk her appetites right up…

    “Karma” is “you get what you deserve”(except for the poor “god guys”, I guess).

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    lol June 23, 2011, 5:07 pm

    it does not matter if u break up with him or not. u will have regretz for the road not taken, that is your fate as a poor pathetic individual who must write anonymous strangers for advice. if you had the metaphorical huevos to make a deccision and stand by it, u would be happy. when u take responsibility for your decisions and their implications, u will take one step tothat point.
    not every decision will be right, but it is yours and you learn and rectify.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:14 pm

      If someone is poor and pathetic for asking for advice from anonymous strangers, then what is someone who anonymously comments in those advice columns?

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        TheOtherMe June 23, 2011, 5:40 pm

        I get the feeling they’ll be fewer & fewer letters for Wendy to answer if we keep ripping a new one to the LW’s each time

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    David Casson June 23, 2011, 5:19 pm

    The writer has absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She should simply break up with him and move on.

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    _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 5:46 pm

    Really, lol, try using actual words. There’s no 140 character limit here.

    Also, please show me the Preview option. I must just be missing it.

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    Tantor June 23, 2011, 5:55 pm

    What’s to figure out here? She’s another dysfunctional chick who likes bad boys. Nice guys don’t do it for her. Do the guy a favor and dump him hard, hurt his feelings as painfully as possible, so that he never dates a girl like you again. The next time around he learn to break it off when the relationship goes nowhere.

    As for you, Miss Confused, spread those little moth wings of yours and start flying toward the flame. There are a billion bad boys out there waiting to treat you like dog poop. There’s no reason why one of them can’t be yours, at least on a time share basis. My advice is to get pregnant immediately by one of them, never get around to marriage, and profess shock when he moves on to the next chicky babe, who’s a few years younger and hotter than you.

    Once you’ve accomplished all that, you are free to spend the rest of your life bitching to your girlfriends that all men are pigs.

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      StanleyBing June 23, 2011, 6:25 pm

      You’re 100% correct.

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    A_Guy_with_white_eyeballs June 23, 2011, 6:44 pm

    Do both of you a favor and gently break it off. Even tell him that the spark isn’t there and you really wish that it was. Because after 6 months marriage and forcing yourself to have sex, you will probably develop all kinds of reasons (like today is not the Vernal Equinox…) to avoid sex, and both of you will be miserable. Even if he is a really great husband.

    I can say that since I am the husband whose wife is not and has not been interested in sexually for years.

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    Beta Man June 23, 2011, 6:50 pm

    who let out the wounded betas?

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 7:03 pm

      It was me. I’m sorry. I was just trying to let the dogs out.

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    blindfish June 23, 2011, 6:56 pm

    Wow, there is something seriously wrong with this guy. You have to force yourself to kiss him after 7 months (that’s as far as it goes) and he’s talking love and marriage? What an imbecile. To be fair, I should say that he simply lacks wisdom. When you finally give him the axe, do him a favor, don’t sugarcoat it – hurt him. Tell him exactly how it is. Don’t spare the reality. The fact is this is a thing young men sometimes do. We fall in love with someone who does not return those feelings, maybe is cold as ice towards us, and then pine away for years over her. Hurt him bad. Maybe then he’ll wake up from his dreamworld. It’s not so much the longish relationship part that’s so bad – it’s the pining away part to come that’s the real problem. It’s not your fault. You were too nice and it didn’t take much for him to create the alternate reality, as he was predisposed to it.

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    David Casson June 23, 2011, 6:23 pm

    Her beau needs to read Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011.

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      Jack Amok June 23, 2011, 6:56 pm

      Doh! You beat me to it!

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        David Casson June 23, 2011, 6:58 pm

        ‘Salright. I just hope they read it. Sounds like they’re both really confused.

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    Sgt. Joe Friday June 23, 2011, 7:35 pm

    Repeat after me: Chicks dig jerks.

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      Maracuya June 24, 2011, 8:48 am

      What the? You’re extrapolating information on the entire female gender out from this one girl who says she knows she has a problem being attracted to bad boys? My boyfriend is definitely a nice guy and I prefer it that way.

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        Tantor June 27, 2011, 7:05 pm

        We’re not overgeneralizing from one of example of a chick who detests her nice guy boyfriend. We’re applying a rule formed from general experience to this one, very typical, dysfunctional chick.

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    Jack Amok June 23, 2011, 6:42 pm

    Google “Athol Kay” and “Married Man Sex Life”. Buy him the book and tell him you really like him, but he needs to read the book if he wants you to fall head over heels for him.

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      _jsw_ June 23, 2011, 7:02 pm

      Nice shill job!

      Here’s how to make someone who’s not in any way physically attracted to you want you: hope that you’re dreaming and can wake up to a world where they do, because otherwise it ain’t happening.

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    Greg June 23, 2011, 8:52 pm

    Why doesn’t she get him a copy of The Game by that pick-up-artist guy. Then he could learn to be a douche, and she could learn to be attracted to him.

    Problem solved.

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    Peter June 23, 2011, 9:00 pm

    Send the guy to Roissy.wordpress.com

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    Bill daH June 23, 2011, 9:34 pm

    What the previous two commenters said. Roissy and Neil can fix this guy. He’s a nice guy, and you like assholes. That makes you no different than most women. You want an asshole; you’ll be attracted to them, and you’ll just be another pump-and-dump for them and wonder why it never works out. Duh.

    Or, if you want to keep your nice guy boyfriend, actually become a women of substance and character. They’re the ones who end up happy with the nice guys.

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    Bill daH June 23, 2011, 9:35 pm

    BTW, men are the same way. We tend to blow off the nice girls. Not good. No wonder the world is messed up 🙂

    Cheers.

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    Don Gwinn June 23, 2011, 9:42 pm

    Don’t believe the bullshit that you’re not attracted to him *because* he’s nice (that’s not always, but usually, a rationalization for guys who think they should be able to get laid *just* by being nice, or even *just* by acting nice long enough to get laid) but do the right thing and tell this guy what’s going on. Just tell him you’re sorry you strung him along, but the chemistry isn’t there even though you kind of wish it was. If you feel guilty about stringing him along and lying to him for so long, don’t let that force you to do it some more! Deal with it by apologizing. He’ll be mad, he’s entitled to be mad, but it won’t be the end of the world when he gets mad.

    You’ve passed on guys who were sexually attractive to you but flawed in other ways, right? Well, this is only the opposite–a guy who’s not flawed in those ways, but isn’t attractive. One is not a better reason than the other. It’s all the same thing–a guy who attracts you in one area but doesn’t have everything you want in a lover or a husband.

    I’ve known people who were finally told the truth after 20 years, 2 kids, marriage counseling, the works: “I’m not actually sexually attracted to you. I never really was. That’s why we had a sex-starved marriage. But I DO love you a lot! Well, I did before you got so bitter and pissed off all the time.”

    Set him free. There’s nothing you can do that will make this work and neither of you deserve what you’re considering putting yourselves through. Chances are he has his suspicions by now, but like you, he’s hoping against hope he can love you hard enough to make it work. He can’t and neither can you. The only way a sexless marriage can work is between two asexual people.

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    Spark June 23, 2011, 10:14 pm

    This woman is a loser.
    1) She admits that likes men who treat her bad and/or are unavailable. How farked up is *that*????

    2) She is one rude biatch for continuing to date a man for whom she had no interest.

    She doesn’t deserve the nice guy, even though he sounds a little farked up, too. If he is being *that* nice he seems to lack a sense-of-self; NO ONE is nice all the time.

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    joel June 23, 2011, 10:50 pm

    Please, lady. Dump that guy in a way that he understands there is no hope of getting together again. Firm but gentle. No going back.

    Point him to a web site, Roissy in DC, where he can read all about the psyches of females, who are nothing like he thinks women to be. He clearly does not understand you, and since you are an average girl, (Don’t kid yourself. There is nothing odd about you.) he doesn’t understand women. Once he understands women, there is a good chance he will never want to marry. The men you lust for understand women, and they certainly have no interest in marrying you.

    Then, prepare yourself to be a single mother.

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    anon June 23, 2011, 11:00 pm

    I am going to go against the crowd and suggest there IS something you can do. It MAY work. If he really is as kind and wonderful as you say, this might work and it would be worth it.

    Love him. Not sex, not feelings but actions. Love is when you do what is best for someone, even if it is not the best for you. Mothers of newborns do this when they get up in the night to feed a baby. Moms need sleep but babies need moms. People whom you make sacrifices for are the ones that you love.

    Is your favorite horror flick franchise coming out with a new, bloodier installment? Forgo it for him. Praise him to his family and friends (and yours). Find out what his “love language” is and “speak” it to him. Carefully investigate what HE likes and be loving, kind and respectful BACK to him.
    Make it your mission to make him feel loved by you.
    Many people fall out of love because the feelings go away. Most assume that the feelings are everything and break up.
    But for many people, the feelings will come back if the actions that accompany them do too.

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    whiskey June 23, 2011, 11:45 pm

    Ladies, you get the men you deserve. And create. This chick, like about 90% of most women (if they are honest) want Bad Boy A-holes. OK. That’s who turns her on (and again, most women). That’s fine.

    That is EXACTLY what kind of guy you’ll get. Men don’t do subtle, and repeat after me, a woman’s sexual market value declines each year, and after 30 declines rapidly. Approaching about zero for 99.99% of women at about 40 or so. Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox notwithstanding, outstanding genes, vigorous workout regimens, careful diet, and plastic surgery simply are not available to most women.

    Yeah, she’s not attracted to her nice guy boyfriend (duh, women HATE HATE HATE nice guys) but she’s not hot enough to hold onto her Bad Boy ex-boyfriend she pines over either. Heck, Elin Nordgren, Maria Shriver, Jenny Sanford, Silda Spitzer, Elizabeth Hurley, and Huma Abedin were not hot enough to keep their men from straying either.

    Women have a choice: no matter how hot you are, you’re never hot enough to keep guys like Arnold or Weiner or Tiger from straying. If you want the Alpha male who turns you on, it is only a matter of time and details when you get cheated on. If you want a guy who won’t stray, he won’t turn you on. Choose, and be damned either way.

    Meanwhile, Ladies, most guys take from this lesson that its better to be a D-bag like the guys on Jersey Shore, Arnold, Tiger, and Weiner. So that’s what you have to look forward to. You’ll get exactly the kind of man you sleep with, and the kind of man your fellow ladies sleep with. Reminder: it is the 20 something hottie, not the faded, used-up cougar, who sets the kind of man you deal with.

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      Maracuya June 24, 2011, 8:52 am

      Statistical question then: If 90% of women love bad boys, are all those men they marry bad boys and nice guys just queue up standing there like wallflowers? I find it hard to believe there are so many women I know in the 10%.

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        quietfull June 28, 2011, 5:05 pm

        “If 90% of women love bad boys, are all those men they marry bad boys and nice guys just queue up standing there like wallflowers?”

        Yes? Do you have any idea what life is like for the average young man?

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    Scott June 24, 2011, 1:00 am

    I think the deeper issue here is one of self-identification. For whatever reason, this woman feels a need to be attached to a man without having truly come to grips with who she is. She is looking for a man to provide something that will complete her, and so she keeps skipping from man to man to man. Finally, she has realized that the “bad-boy” types that attract her are not good for her, so she swings to the opposite extreme, and uses a well-intentioned man who is the opposite of what she has so far found attractive.

    In both cases, she is looking to a man to complete who she is as a person. Healthy relationships occur when both parties are complete in themselves, and can offer love, not just take what they need. What she really needs to do is just stop dating completely for a while, and learn to be happy as an independent woman.

    Also, while it is true that she is using this unsuspecting man, he also might be a little deficient in the self-respect category. He might “need” a dependent woman to make him feel more like a man, or else he would have picked up on the fact that she is not attracted to him. The truth is that there will be a moment when his well runs dry, and then he will become resentful that she is not reciprocating. That will lead to anger (because that is just how men deal with bad emotions.)

    You will never find someone who doesn’t have some issues. But if you stay with this man, you must take a step back, and start looking at what you can provide to him, not just what he provides to you. There is an old saying, “nothing ventured, nothing gained.” One of the reasons the other “bad boys” maintained your attention is that they demanded that you give something to them. You had skin in the game.

    With “nice guys” who do not make demands, you have to learn to initiate the offer, and they must be willing to recieve. Right now, you are allowing him to be the initiator. But a healthy relationship is one in which both people voluntarily give to one another. Up till now, you only gave what was demanded by “bad boys.” You have to learn how to give voluntarily without it being demanded. You have to “invest” in a relationship in order to get a return on investment (ROI). You can’t have an ROI if you don’t have an investment.

    To get Biblical, “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Your heart will follow your treasure, be it emotional, physical, monetary, etc. You’ve got the whole process backwards. You are afraid to invest your treasure because your heart is not there yet. But the heart follows the treasure invested. That is the real way it works.

    So, instead of waiting for your heart, take control. Find out what he likes. Go buy HIM small gifts. Do little things for HIM. Do the same things for him that your prior “bad boys” would demand from you. And watch and see if your heart doesn’t follow along. WARNING: You must learn how to give in the absence of a demand. But if he is unable or unwilling to recieve what you have to offer, then break it off. He has to be able to receive from you in addition to giving to you. Some guys can only give, and refuse to take. That is not healthy either, and you don’t want that type of relationship. It devolves into an angry controlling situation.

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      Scott June 24, 2011, 1:19 am

      One other thought: In a long-term relationship, physical attraction waxes and wanes. When the physical attraction wanes, the smart man or woman realizes that it is because they have stopped “investing” themselves. Instead of blaming their partner for the loss of attraction, they rededicate themselves to investing in the other person, and then “magically” in a short time, the attraction returns.

      There is not really a mystery here – just a misunderstanding of how our own hearts work. “Bad-boys” are attractive because they DEMAND investment. But those relationships burn out when your emotional well runs dry. LEARN HOW TO EMOTIONALLY INVEST YOURSELF WITHOUT IT BEING DEMANDED. Then, you control who you are attracted to, and are not tossed around like a kite in the wind of your own emotions. The emotions you feel are the caboose on the train. Your Will is the engine that moves. it.

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    Jim O June 24, 2011, 3:31 am

    More proof, as if anywere needed, that girls say that they like nice guys, but they don’t really.

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    jvon June 24, 2011, 5:29 am

    My ex-wife married me and told me AFTER we were married that she really wasn’t interested in sex. (In her case, I don’t think it was just me — it was sex in general.)

    We stayed together for 11 years, while I hoped something — success in her career, a change in birth control pills, SOMETHING, would change the fact that she was in the mood to have sex maybe once a month. She did grudgingly agree to do it once a week. If that sounds very romantic and rewarding… it wasn’t.

    Do NOT marry him, or he’ll be writing a post like this about you 11 years from now. And that woman who I married… I no longer speak to her.

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    meG00k June 24, 2011, 9:50 pm

    He is just confused about what you really need. He seems eager to please, so lay it out for him. Tell him instead of flowers,fists. Instead of attentive, asshole. instead of worthy, worthless. Instead of bride, bitch.

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    Brett Stevens June 27, 2011, 12:40 pm

    I hope no one does anything just because they feel guilty about it.

    Do you love him?

    If you love him, he’ll be good to you, and he’ll provide for you, you have a choice:

    (a) Plan for a low-sex marriage.
    (b) Ditch him.

    If he repels you sexually there’s probably something biological going on and you should flee the scene.

    Many people live in low-sex or sexless marriages. There’s more to life than sex (or TV, or booze, etc).

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    anon June 28, 2011, 4:30 pm

    Women are simply attracted to high testosterone, virile and cruel men in their youth; they’re at the peak of their fertility and innocence, and the men they lust after are dominant, aggressive and loosely inhibited. Essentially a woman’s naivety, her virginity and the deepest expressions of her love are meant for genetic winners, for a thin sliver of selfish and capricious men.

    Why hide the truth? Why not simply admit that some men are losers, that through some accident of chemistry (or sheer probability: for women to love winners there have to be losers) they can’t inspire love or even lust in women through acts of cruelty and coldness?

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      _jsw_ June 28, 2011, 6:17 pm

      Well,the reason to hide that is that isn’t not the truth.

      Confident doesn’t imply cruel. Virile doesn’t imply capricious.

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        _jsw_ June 28, 2011, 6:19 pm

        Er “it’s not the truth”

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    T September 30, 2011, 1:49 am

    Hey there…
    This article really hits home for me. I’m generally attracted to guys with a fair amount of charisma and confidence or guys that are quite intelligent or witty. My downfall is commitment resulting in marriage.
    The guy I’ve been dating for the past year can occasionally get very self centered and absorbed. On the flip side, when we’re together he treats me very well, has gentlemanly qualities, is very intelligent, well versed, and talented.
    We recently were “on a break” so to speak and I met this new guy. His picture was attractive, we met for lunch had a great conversation and then went to the movies. Well 5 dates and almost 3 weeks in I feel no attraction towards the new guy. He’s as sweet as pie and seems very genuine. I’m sure he’d “really love me with all his heart” if I were his girl. He poured on charm the first week like Krispy Kreme pours on glaze. It was way too much for me. He was sure I was “the one” and wanted to spend lots of time with me. I met his closest friends, he met mine. They liked him and agreed he’s really NICE. They asked me if I could grow to love him because it appears he has very strong feelings for me. My answer, “I don’t know.” Honestly, I don’t feel anything. He’s just too soft and feminine of a guy for me. Yes, granted he’s very sweet and very nice but he lacks wit, and greater intellect, and isn’t very cultured and honestly can’t spell the basic words in life. He writes me text messages and emails pouring out his heart but never gets the simple words like you’re, cruise, whether and so much more right… I’m into my forties and looking for that second time around. He’s in his fifties and doing the same, I don’t have the patience or desire to try to teach or mold someone on how to use proper grammar. Am I being shallow or do I have valid reasons for just not “feelin’ it”? How long should I give myself to figure this out?

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    ck October 1, 2011, 11:27 am

    i don’t know if anyone even gets through all of these comments and several months out from the original posting date? probably not, but here is my take on your situation:

    after a divorce from my first husband at 31 (my first relationship ever that started at age 17) the dating experience was not fun at all. i had several mediocre relationships, several more attempted awful ones and numerous dates in between. by the time i reached my late thirties i thought maybe i was being too picky?

    anyway my second husband was just as you described: reasonably cute, funny, kind-hearted, nice and so attentive. the attraction was average at best and quite honestly the sexual chemistry forced. i too found myself struggling to want to kiss him but the great friendship outweighed the obvious lack of passion. with that information in mind, i put my blinders on, moved forward and married him rationalizing that with good communication and respect, a sexual relationship could be nurtured and blossom with time.

    boy was that a mistake. looking back i think that the lack of attraction was continually present, subconscious or not. i think my husband could feel it as well. as time went on he grew more and more anxious and nervous about pleasing me and i grew more and more unattracted to him. it was a vicious cycle which inevitably ended up in divorce. fortunately, despite the unhappy ending, our friendship and respect for each other still endures. we came to the realization that we are better friends than spouses/lovers.

    bottom line: don’t ever force sexual attraction or chemistry. let’s face it, the major defining aspect of your spouse/life partnership is the sexual relationship. without it, you’re just friends.

    remember, this is the one person with whom you’re supposed to have sex with for the entire duration of the relationship (unless it is an open relationship). countless articles and books exist about the struggle of monogamy, infidelity, adultery and the pain associated with it.

    if you’re going to move forward with a person beyond the “just friends” phase then you damn well better be sure that you are sexually attracted to him/her. great friendship and communication cannot replace that.

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    Sandy October 23, 2011, 4:08 pm

    I have the same situation. I have always dated(or married!) guys who ended up treating me horribly. About 4 months ago I ran into a guy that I’ve known for years. He is great in every way possible! He not only cares about me, but also about my kids. He would do anything in the world for me or for them. I am crazy about this man, but I am not at all sexually attracted to him. Listening to family and friends, they all tell me the same thing, to continue the relationship. My best friend is married to a great guy and she wasn’t attracted to him when they 1st started dating, but over time(a year!) she finally became attracted to him and they have a wonderful marriage. My mom wasn’t attracted to my step dad when they started dating, and they have now been married for over 7 years. It’s hard to force yourself to be attracted to someone if you’re not. Over time I keep telling myself to try to be attracted to this man, and maybe one day I will be. I think I am sometimes, but those are the times when he isn’t around, so who knows? Maybe one day I will be attracted to him when he is around. You just need to follow your own heart and see where it takes you. Good luck to you!

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    Elyse February 11, 2012, 7:53 am

    Hey Not Sexually Attracted- I am in this same situation. Unfortunately it is not going on three years. I don’t feel good about this. I was just a year out of a 24 year marriage to a bad boy where sexuality was the central part of our relationship. This man treats me like a queen and I was hoping that my attraction would grow. I thought I needed to be patient and let this attraction develop instead of the freight train of attraction experience I was used to feeling for my ex-spouse. I always am up front about not wanting marriage with this man but he never gives up hope. The problem is we get along so well. Have many of the same interests. We are great companions and we are both in our 50s.

    So bottom line is how do I let this man go without crushing him?

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    staysecret May 22, 2012, 9:30 pm

    U don’t like him so what breakup with him but before u do just say all the reasons why u started going out with him in the first places to yourself don’t feel guilty when u breakup with him u might do the best thing for him and if u breakup with him just don’t say its not u its me cuz that only makes thing worst

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