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Your Turn: “My Facebook Fiancé Unfriended Me”

My boyfriend and I met on Facebook a year ago and started a relationship a few days later. We were happy and in love until he decided to visit me in the Philippines (from the US) two months later. We had a very wonderful time together — we went hiking, riding, swimming, and fishing. After a month, he went back to the US. A few months later, he said he wanted to come back for another visit. We missed each other, so he decided to cash his 401k because at that time he didn’t have a job. Before he came, he filed a fiancée visa for me, and we planned to wait the six months for the visa to be approved.

He arrived for his second visit this past May and stayed here for five months, until he started running out of money and decided he needed to get a job. Our five months together didn’t go well; we had misunderstandings and fights. Since he got back to the states, he doesn’t have much time to talk with me and I feel so empty. We broke up a lot of times and now we only communicate via Facebook. I can feel that he’s not trying anymore. He told me that he’s depressed about getting a job and paying child support.

What should I do? We just broke up and now he has unfriended me on FB. I love him so much and miss him… Do you have any advice? - FB Fiancée

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 44 comments… add one }

  • avatar TECH December 4, 2013, 9:05 am

    Let me get this straight:
    1.) You started a relationship with someone you hadn’t met in person yet.
    2.) He doesn’t have a job and is upset at the thought of getting a job.
    3.) He has a child and is depressed at the thought of paying child support for HIS child.
    4.) You mentioned no positive qualities he possesses. The only thing that sounded kind of good was that you had fun swimming and hiking and fishing together. Find another friend you can do those things with.
    The only solution here is to move on. And stop getting into relationships with people before you meet them in person.

    • avatar MMcG December 4, 2013, 10:50 am

      You had me at #1… though it’s the rare situation where starting a relationship with someone you haven’t met isn’t the worst detail in the story. Winners all around.

      I would also add 2b) He cashed in whatever retirement he had to come visit you for one trip with no plans for getting a job in the future or any thought to his child.

    • avatar Mark Buehner December 8, 2013, 8:18 pm

      Was I the only one appalled at the thought of cashing in a 401k to take a vacation to the Philippines?

      Yeah, consider yourself lucky lady. Run far from this clown.

  • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 9:06 am

    Oh man, I really thought this was going to be a real breakup of a real engagement done via unfriending.

    “Um, fiance, why are you still living here. I thought I was clear that we were over when I unfriended you.”

    • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 9:08 am

      I’m on his side. I’d be depressed about having to get a job too. Jobs suck.

    • avatar Morgan December 4, 2013, 9:13 am

      Now THAT would be a letter…

  • avatar Morgan December 4, 2013, 9:11 am

    What’s Addie’s rule? If texting is mentioned three times in a letter just MOA? I’m going to add an addendum and say that if facebook is a major factor in any relationship you write in about, just MOA.

    Look, LW, you hit it off with a guy online and he visited you. That first visit was fun and carefree. Second visit there’s more pressure, money is an issue, maybe you aren’t as compatible as that first visit made it seem. Cut your losses and move on.

    And the child support thing is getting me. He has a child. He should support it. I get the impression he doesn’t really have a role in his child’s life, since a) child support depresses him so much and b)he was gonna just up and move to the phillipines with no mention of the kid. Nothing about this guy sounds like a catch.

    • avatar Morgan December 4, 2013, 9:16 am

      Wait I can’t read, he filed the visa for her, which I guess means that she’d be moving to him? Irrelevant though. Still not a catch. Still MOA.

      • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 9:26 am

        Wrong, Morgan. That changes EVERYTHINGGGG

    • avatar submandave December 9, 2013, 12:41 pm

      Your assumptions may be spot on, but I had a completely different read on the depressed/job/child support thing. A lot of people can’t find a good job (especially in today’s economy), and a lot of people (especially men) are suffering serious depression as a result. Add in the extra stress of having to (and wanting to) financially support your child but simply being unable to do so, and I can see that would make the situation even more desperate. I agree that cashing out the 401k was a bad move, but this may well have been an attempt to escape from his real problems.

      Like I said, you may be spot on and this guy may be a lay-about looser, but we do know that he previously had a job with a 401k, so he may not have been a complete waste. Your advice to move on may still be sound, but I don’t think there is enough information in the letter alone to support your assumptions about the guy.

  • GatorGirl GatorGirl December 4, 2013, 9:16 am

    You move the f on already. Jeez.

    • GatorGirl GatorGirl December 4, 2013, 9:47 am

      Actual tips to move on

      -Get a hobby
      -Hang out with friends
      -Join a team sport
      -Stop watching chick flicks
      -Get a pet
      -Work out

  • Fabelle Fabelle December 4, 2013, 9:19 am

    LW, I’m gonna ignore the fact that this relationship started via Facebook—you’ll get enough shit for that, just don’t do it again—because for all intents & purposes, it ~was~ a “real” relationship once you met in person (he stayed with you for months at a time, filed a visa for you, etc.). And you have a right to be upset that it ended so suddenly.

    But the only thing you can do is move on. This may not be a typical relationship, but it ended in a rather “typical” bad fashion, I’d say? with lots of fighting & multiple breakups before one party finally fired the last shot. He unfriended you. In a long-distance relationship that began on Facbeook, I guess I can see why he thought this was an acceptable way to end things, even if it’s objectively dick-ish. If you can still see his profile, block it. Move on.

    He honestly doesn’t sound like much of a catch, anyway? Cashing in his 401k to take a vacation, essentially, is totally irresponsible, & it seems like irresponsibility is a pattern with him—no job, doesn’t *want* a job, doesn’t want to support his child… I feel like YOU were just a distraction for him, from his real life. And now it’s time for both of you to get back to your real lives. Write this up as a mistake, & change your behavior so that you don’t end up in another relationship like this.

    • Nookie Nookie December 4, 2013, 10:53 am

      This is exactly what I would’ve said. I think the LW’s had a bit of luck sidestepping this mess. It hurts now and he sounds super immature (whatever his age), you deserve better treatment. Look for someone who has some priorities in their own lives and see if they match up with yours.

  • avatar bethany December 4, 2013, 9:23 am

    I think you should sell everything you have, take the money, fly to the US and show up at his door unannounced. He’ll probably take you back and you’ll live happily ever after.

    • kare kare December 4, 2013, 10:24 am

      The update writes itself: “I followed the terrific advice of one of the commentors and surprised him in the US to show him how much I love him. He didn’t seem happy to see me, but I’m not giving up yet! P.S. Do you think it’s a good idea to become pregnant with his child?”

      • avatar bethany December 4, 2013, 10:36 am

        Haha!

        LW, if you read my advice above, please know that was SARCASM. This guy dumped you and lives halfway across the world. MOA.

        • avatar shanshantastic December 4, 2013, 1:32 pm

          It’s pretty sad that your disclaimer is probably necessary…

  • avatar Miss MJ December 4, 2013, 9:47 am

    Regardless of how your relationship began, your fiancé broke up with you and broke off all contact. What you do now is move on like you would after any other break up. There’s nothing else to do. But I’d take comfort in the fact that a guy who blows his retirement, has no concern for his kid and is depressed about getting a job to support said kid (and, presumably, himself) is a bullet well dodged.

    On second thought, I bet if you offered to move over, get a place and a job financially support him forever so he doesn’t have to work, he’d be happy to take advantage of you while stringing you along for years. Just kidding. Don’t do it, LW! You deserve better than that. Move on and find someone else who makes you truly happy.

    • katie katie December 4, 2013, 9:59 am

      im with you.

      LW, he broke up with you. unfortunately, that is a decision is is allowed to make unilaterally, and therefore you must just accept it and move on.

  • bagge72 bagge72 December 4, 2013, 9:49 am

    Holy Crap!

    This guys is a straight up loser, who doesn’t want to get a job or pay child support, and cashes in his life savings to go meet a girl in the philippines, who could have potentialy been a ninja pirate who could have sold him on the underground sextrade market. Do you really want to be his next baby momma not getting any money or support from him?

  • avatar Lucy December 4, 2013, 9:53 am

    You dodged a bullet, LW. Any guy who cashes in his 401k to go on vacation for several months isn’t marriage material. Any guy who doesn’t want to pay support for his child isn’t marriage material.

    • Kate B. Kate B. December 4, 2013, 10:27 am

      Thank you! That 401K bit really bothered me too. Here’s a tip: if you have cash out your retirement fund to take a vacation, maybe you shouldn’t take that vacation?

      • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 10:31 am

        Pssh. Such debbie downers!

        ps I once complained about not owning a house years ago and my stepdad (I was waitressing at the time) told me just to get a credit card for a downpayment and it will figure itself out. haha.

        • avatar lemongrass December 4, 2013, 10:48 am

          I am now blaming the economic crisis on your stepdad.

          • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 10:53 am

            haha. He’s a piece of work-a very entitled attitude. Like, you don’t have to earn things and pay for them, you should just get them because, ya know, you want them. He’s definitely charged vacations before. He also has disdain for anyone that has any money. Its very annoying.

            • Kate B. Kate B. December 4, 2013, 11:06 am

              Wow, I’m going to do that and get that car I need. Hell, maybe two cars. Live large. Thank your stepdad for me. I am set.

              • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 11:11 am

                Haha, go for it! You only live once, right?

                • Kate B. Kate B. December 4, 2013, 1:05 pm

                  Damn straight. And a plane and a boat, too. I deserve it.

        • othy othy December 4, 2013, 12:05 pm

          Best plan ever! I didn’t realize I could buy whatever I wanted, regardless of income. Screw this living within my means and saving for my retirement. I’m going to Europe.

          • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 12:07 pm

            Just make sure you have at least a couple responsible kids/stepkids who will have to support you later in life. :)

            • othy othy December 4, 2013, 12:28 pm

              Damn, I wasn’t planning on having kids. How about responsible nieces?

              • avatar lets_be_honest December 4, 2013, 12:35 pm

                Good, good. You are all set.

        • avatar Tax Geek December 4, 2013, 1:22 pm

          He and my ex-wife must be distantly related.

  • TaraMonster TaraMonster December 4, 2013, 9:55 am

    This simple guide will give you the answer you need.

    1. When does starting an international relationship on FB actually work out?

    2. When does starting an international relationship on FB with a dude who’s jobless, broke, depressed, and doesn’t give an F about his kid ever work out?

    3. When does an international relationship that started on FB, lasted less than a year, and is full of arguments and multiple breakups ever work out?

    If you answered NEVER to any of these questions you are correct. If you did not answer NEVER to any of these questions, you need to go back and change your answers.

    TLDR: MOA. AIM HIGHER.

  • meadowphoenix meadowphoenix December 4, 2013, 10:23 am

    If the answers to any and all of the following questions are no:
    1)Is this child he has one you had with him when he visited you the first time?
    2)Is this child a potential child you conceived with him on this last trip?

    Then I’m afraid you have to move on. You have to respect the fact that he doesn’t want contact with you. Sorry. I would try to spend time with your family and friends to keep your mind off it. I’m not going to try to convince you of his unsuitability, because if he doesn’t want to see you, then frankly he can be as suitable as you want him to be, you still shouldn’t contact him.

    If the answer to any of those questions was yes:
    Get a lawyer. Talk with him about visitation and child support and all legal and practical options.

  • avatar starpattern December 4, 2013, 10:24 am

    I think my brain rebooted when I read that he cashed in his 401k to visit (and again when she said he was depressed about paying child support).

    LW I am depressed you gave this dummy the time of day. Onward and upward!!

  • KKZ KKZ December 4, 2013, 10:37 am

    I get the sense this guy went for super-long stays in the Philippines because he was running from something – I’m going to guess “responsibility” since he seems to have a fatal allergy to it. Running from his ex & mother of his child, running from child support payments, running from his lack of finances, whatever. I’m getting a big whiff of Don Draper here: when things get tough, cut and run, and look for a blank slate to start over with.

    Sure, he may have liked you, may have been infatuated with you, may even have shown you some love, and I’m sure you had some good times together. But you’ve been taken for a ride, LW. He dumped you because you’re no longer useful to him. My guess is he can’t afford to go hide out in the Philippines with you anymore, nor could he afford to bring you to the States. Maybe reality caught up to him. Maybe even the courts caught up to him, if he’s been delinquent with child support while he was on his little overseas honeymoon with you.

    You seem very sweet and trusting, I can see how you wouldn’t perceive how you’ve been taken advantage of, but learn from this experience and move on. This guy has given you a crash course on red flags to look out for in future romantic relationships, primarily how irresponsible and short-sighted he was. Be very, very careful giving your heart to someone who’s barely got their act together. You can’t fix people, and if you’re simply going on faith that ‘everything will work out…’ or whatever, well, you’re bound to get burned sooner or later.

    • Nookie Nookie December 4, 2013, 10:57 am

      Hey, there is nothing wrong with running away from your responsibilities to another country. Look at me, I did it 10 years ago and still going strong!

  • AKchic_ AKchic_ December 4, 2013, 12:08 pm

    What do you do? Move on Already. This “relationship” is going nowhere. You were blessed when this relationship ended. Now do yourself a favor and mourn quickly and find someone who is a helluva lot better for you.

  • Lindsay Lindsay December 4, 2013, 6:09 pm

    Time to move on. As sad as you may be about losing him, you can’t be in a relationship with someone you have never met. And regardless of that, you SHOULD NOT do that. Relationships should be with someone that you enjoy being around and know really well, not some dude from Facebook. Anyone who cashes out a 401K for a trip to someone he barely knows and is upset about jobs and child support is not a catch either. He did you a favor by unfriending because you need to focus on meeting real people who are not ridiculous.

  • avatar Kendall December 8, 2013, 8:29 pm

    Sorry to interrupt the hate parade, but don’t you think he is not depressed about GETTING a job, but that he can’t find one? English is not the letter writers first language, and although she writes quite well that’s exactly the sort of nuance that non-native speakers have trouble conveying at times.

    Also it seems more than a bit unfair to be so harsh to him when you have no idea what the child support situation is.

    I agree she should move on but there’s no way this guy deserves the grief or responses you all are piling on.

  • avatar Howard Roark December 8, 2013, 9:00 pm

    The guy has almost completely broken off all contact after the 2nd trip to spend time together. That tells me based on the other details you provide that in his mind he was having a relationship with the fantasy in his head, when real life showed him it was different than his fantasy he called it quits. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM START IT AGAIN.

    If you work very hard, exert lots of pressure you might be able to brow beat him into pretending he wants a relationship (just to take some of the pressure off for a short time). But you’ll confuse this with having a relationship, probably get pregnant, maybe even married, then divorced and he will have to pay child support for another child.

    It is already over. Accept it and move on.
    Under no circumstances should you fool yourself – HE IS DONE WITH THIS. IT IS OVER.

    Bust of luck, time to move on

  • avatar NateWhilk December 8, 2013, 10:53 pm

    “What should I do? [...] Do you have any advice?”
    Consider yourself lucky you’re rid of this loser. Have a REALLY good cry for a few days. Then MOA.

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