Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “My Fiancée Sends Sexy Texts To Her Exes”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I’ve been in a relationship with my fiancée for a year and engaged for six months. I was married once before, and my ex-wife was unfaithful three separate times with ex-lovers, which is why we divorced (two years ago). On my first date with my now-fiancée we talked of relationship expectations and I explained I had major reservations about keeping company with ex-lovers, whether it be talking, texting, or seeing one another. She said all the right things: “That’s not me, that’s wrong to do, I would never do that.”

Fast forward six months and one night while she was taking a shower, she left her cell phone on the couch next to me. Her text notification went off and I glanced over at it and saw at the top of the phone a message I never expected. It was from another man who she told me was a tutor friend of hers at college. I could not stop myself from going into her text messages. I know I was wrong for that, but what he sent was nasty and I needed to investigate further. He texted her that he wanted her to send him pictures of private parts and he would do it for her.

I confronted her about it and she claimed that it was a joke. I told her I thought it was inappropriate for them to talk that way to each other. She then slipped up and told me he was an ex-lover and that’s why they joked that way. I felt betrayed, but she finally cut ties with him.

A month later, I came home from work and went on my laptop and saw that she had left open her Facebook messages from another ex-lover making sexual comments I won’t dare repeat. Again, I confronted her, and again she told me that they were just harmless jokes. Then enters man number three who sends her a love letter that she meant to put in her bag but put in mine by mistake.

There has been a rift between us since that first text I read. I have been fighting to get back that person I first met, but she’s not having any part of it. She keeps pushing me away. Please help. — Frustrated Boyfriend

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

65 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Bunnycsp August 28, 2013, 9:04 am

    Seriously, Aim Higher.

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    • avatar

      Bunnycsp August 28, 2013, 9:41 am

      One more thing – I think you need to get to therapy. You have been cheated on by two different women very close together. The thing they have in common is you. You need to think about why you attract this kind of woman and behavior. Why get engaged so quickly after your last marriage?

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  • avatar

    Christy August 28, 2013, 9:06 am

    Blanket statement: The person you first met is never the real person, it’s the idealized version of the person.

    And dude, she’s basically telling you to break up with her.

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    • avatar

      oldie August 28, 2013, 9:17 am

      Yes, it sure sounds like she’s tried her best to make sure he sees these things. Perhaps this is just her way of ending the engagement, so that she get’s to tell her family that he broke up with her, rather than she decided to scrap whatever wedding plans they were making. Or, she is grooming him for a very open (on her part, at least) relationship and testing what his real limits are. The guy should just MOA. He is clinging to something that never really existed in the way that he imagined it did. Another example why an engagement after 6 months is hasty and how difficulties arise in untangling an engagement.

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      • avatar

        thatgirl August 28, 2013, 9:34 am

        “Or, she is grooming him for a very open (on her part, at least) relationship ”

        People do this!!! It is beyond comprehension.

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      • avatar

        MsMisery August 28, 2013, 1:15 pm

        F’real. John Wayne Gacy hid the bodies under his house better than she’s hiding these communications with ex-lovers and maybe-lovers and whoever-they-ares.

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      • avatar

        feelingroovy August 28, 2013, 7:15 pm

        MsMisery, thank you for the BEST laugh I’ve had today.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary August 28, 2013, 9:12 am

    I’m sorry she’s treating you this way. Clearly she doesn’t have respect for you or your relationship. It’s time to break up and move on. Plus, she’s being really careless with her action. It’s like she wants to get caught so you can break up.

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  • avatar

    Stephanie August 28, 2013, 9:23 am

    Is there a question here? MTFOA.

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    • gatecrashergirl

      gatecrashergirl August 28, 2013, 12:42 pm

      Ooh. I like the MTFOA! Seems very appropriate here!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle August 28, 2013, 9:24 am

    Oh dude, yeah, you need to break off this engagement (& end the relationship). There are women out there who ~don’t~ have inappropriate relationships with their exes— you’re doing yourself NO favors by diving into a commitment with someone who apparently has the same issues with boundaries as your ex had.

    In addition, I’m with everyone who’s saying it’s almost like she WANTS to get caught? Usually those who are being shady like this will take better care to hide their activities…

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  • avatar

    Nadine August 28, 2013, 9:24 am

    She wants to get caught. Catch her. You told her what a huge problem you have with this behaviour before it even started. Maybe she is too scared to bite the bullet and break up with you. Breaking an engagement must be tough, but you don’t want to have two marriages end in infidelity, do you?

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  • avatar

    cdobbs August 28, 2013, 9:26 am

    this letter seems fake to me….just the wording of the text messages and how the fiance put a love letter into his bag instead of hers? (what bag? do you both carry similar looking bags? doubtful, but possible i guess)….i call total bull$hit on this letter….possible person looking for attention?

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle August 28, 2013, 9:44 am

      I don’t think it’s fake, but the wording was weird to me, too (“private parts”? “sexual comments I won’t dare repeat”? )

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      • avatar

        cdobbs August 28, 2013, 10:05 am

        plus, no one just starts sexting as soon as they text, usually the first text would just be saying hi, not going into this long one sided conversation of sending each other naked pictures….i don’t know the wording is very unusual and that is why it sounds made up….still think its fake

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 28, 2013, 10:31 am

        haha yeah, I caught that too— you’re right, nobody starts off like that. I thought maybe LW was stretching the truth there though, so we wouldn’t come down hard on him for snooping? (like, maybe the first text really was just “heyyy”, & then he snooped, went back through the conversation, & found evidence of fiancee’s last sexting session?)

        It’s fun to speculate sometimes.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark August 28, 2013, 11:36 am

        Um, what? You all seriously waste texts with pointless “Hi…” texts? Not me. Not any of my fuckbuddies or lovers either. I have sent and received many a racy first text…

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle August 28, 2013, 11:42 am

        I feel like there’s usually some kind of greeting, to make sure the person’s around & ready to reply when the raciness starts? But yeah, now that I search my memory, there have been times where the first text was graphic right off the bat.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 12:50 pm

        Oh Hai.

        k bye.

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster August 28, 2013, 10:37 am

        Oh that’s not true. A fling of mine has texted me, “Come over. Let’s fuck.” several times. He lives a plane ride away, so he was just trying to be funny, but he’s definitely led with overtly sexual comments on other occasions.

        And I’m in no way defending LW’s fiancee, but getting this past fling to stop texting me things like that when I started seeing someone was not easy. I imagine my boyfriend would’ve been less than pleased to see some of the texts he sent me when we were first starting to get serious.

        But I get what you’re saying about the language used in the letter… it’s very odd.

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. August 28, 2013, 11:14 am

        I don’t think it’s that odd. I know plenty of people who talk that way. I do myself at times. He’s writing into a public forum. Maybe he’s just being guarded. I think the letter is real. It’s not dramatic enough to be a cry for attention.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 10:19 am

      Yes! There was something off about this. Once I read the “I don’t dare repeat” thing it just seemed off.

      Plus, the time line. Divorce, 1 year later engaged again and already all these issues.

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      • katie

        katie August 28, 2013, 10:22 am

        eh, to me the timeline seems pretty par for the course for a lot of the letters we get here. and by that i mean absolutely messed up, of course, but we get a lot of letters from messed up people…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 10:27 am

        That’s true. I guess when you add in that he got divorced because of cheating and clearly still have issues because of it, it seemed extra quick. But you’re right.

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      • avatar

        kerrycontrary August 28, 2013, 10:31 am

        Yeh I know of a lot of people who get divorced and are remarried quickly after. It’s strange to me, but whatever floats your boat. Although this may be a case of someone not dealing with the issues from their first marriage and carrying them into their second.

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  • theattack

    theattack August 28, 2013, 9:30 am

    She wants you to find this stuff and break up with her so she doesn’t have to do it.

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  • avatar

    TheOtherOtherMe August 28, 2013, 9:37 am

    Sorry man, your relationship is over.

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  • avatar

    thatgirl August 28, 2013, 9:38 am

    Create boundaries. Maintain them. If you have stated x,y,z behavior is unacceptable, and then x,y,z behavior happens, she wants it to end, or she has no respect for you. Either way, there is nothing left here for you.

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  • muchachaenlaventana

    muchachaenlaventana August 28, 2013, 9:40 am

    Yeah this letter read as fakeish to me too but on the off chance it is not. Break up and move on. She is asking to be caught, and if she hasn’t been cheating on you physically, in my opinion its only a matter of time and since your last relationship ended because of infidelity I think you clearly have a “type.” Maybe take a break from dating for awhile and work out why you are attracted to people who seem to tend towards more indiscreet behavior.

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  • avatar

    bethany August 28, 2013, 9:42 am

    First off, you said you’ve been engaged for 6 months, which means that you got engaged right around the time you found that first text message. I’m assuming you asked her to marry you after that. Why would you do that? Why would you get engaged to someone you didn’t trust who was doing the same thing your ex wife did? You need to think about that.

    Secondly, your fiance is/was doing something that made you uncomfortable. You asked her to stop, she said she would and she didn’t. You’re not asking something unreasonable here! She lied to you, and she isn’t taking your feelings into consideration at all. Even if they were joking around, you expressed discomfort– she should have stopped. Especially given how your marriage ended, and the fact that in the beginning of your relationship she said she didn’t keep in contact with her ex’s.

    If I were you, I’d MOA. She has no regard for your feelings. None.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 10:21 am

      I bet she fucks with no regard too!

      Otherwise, wBs.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 28, 2013, 10:58 am

        awww, fucking with no regard, a DW classic

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 August 28, 2013, 9:47 am

    Listen Ross Gellar, I know you love being married, but you moved this relationship along way too fast, and know nothing about the person you are marrying. Take time to get to know people before you carry them through the threshold.

    PS dump this one she is a shitty person, who does not care about you.

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    • avatar

      bethany August 28, 2013, 9:54 am

      Bagge wins today for a Friends reference.

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      • avatar

        Addie Pray August 28, 2013, 10:25 am

        WBS!

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed August 28, 2013, 1:14 pm

        In my class today I used a Friends clip as an example. It was awesome!

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  • avatar

    BreezyAM August 28, 2013, 10:03 am

    I’m betting you’re well educated with a good career eh?

    That person you first met doesn’t exist. She’s a lying ho who told you what you wanted to hear. But take note; she will spin this break up as you being uncontrollably jealous and THAT being the issue, not her being completely inappropriate. And for the record, as someone who DOES stay friends with exes? As someone who believes if you can’t be at least civil with them you have not actually moved on? Yeah those conversations were totally not appropriate for supposedly platonic “friends”. People don’t “joke” like that. Those guys are testing her boundaries, and she’s letting them know that kind of talk is fine with her. There are women out there who it would not be fine with (raising hand). Dump her. Cold cut off.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary August 28, 2013, 10:20 am

      I’m confused by the educated/career comment. infidelity happens at all socio-economic levels.

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      • avatar

        BreezyAM August 30, 2013, 5:52 pm

        I’m saying that she’s lying and acting like a ho because she wants a nice guy with a career. If he was just a chump, she would never have bothered trying to have a relationship with him.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 10:22 am

      Hey! I joke like that!

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  • katie

    katie August 28, 2013, 10:03 am

    your not compatible. period. you have a set of things you dont want to happen, and she either doesnt care enough to modify her behavior, or its so ingrained in her that its a part of personality. i wont go as far as calling it a fatal character flaw, because there are people and relationships out there that would work for her -and for you too, btw- but you are with the wrong person for that to happen. its just that simple.

    and yes, why did you get engaged seemingly after the first transgression happened, and so quickly anyway? i think there are some issues here that are yours alone- seemingly desperate, quick to commit, unwilling to see the signs of a bad partner, ect… you need to work on that as well before you will be successful at relationships.

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  • becboo84

    BecBoo84 August 28, 2013, 10:06 am

    DTMFA!

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  • avatar

    starpattern August 28, 2013, 10:06 am

    So that’s three strikes, LW. It sucks, but if she had any interest in respecting your boundaries, she would be trying way harder. She is either actively trying to get you to break up with her, or she is so apathetic about your relationship that she might as well be.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. August 28, 2013, 10:30 am

    Your fiance is incapable of being honest. When she told you that texting ex-lovers wasn’t her, that was a lie. Then, to play it off as a joke when she see how much it bothers you shows that she is ignorant, immature and inconsiderate as well. Dump her. And then I suggest taking some time off from dating until you get over the pain of betrayed by two women in such a short time. Not all of us are like that, I promise.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. August 28, 2013, 10:33 am

      *being betrayed*

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  • Lyra

    Lyra August 28, 2013, 10:34 am

    I think you rushed into this relationship after your divorce. Despite what people may think, divorce really digs deep and affects you more than you realize. How long were you with your ex wife? I wonder if you got into a relationship with your fiancee and got really excited because all of a sudden you had someone again and you had that love and affection that you were craving.

    Your current fiancee is showing you exactly who she is. Don’t wait for her to change because she’s not going to. Do yourself a favor and break off the engagement permanently and spend some time single so you can figure out exactly what it is that you’re looking for.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo August 28, 2013, 10:37 am

    You’re done, bud. Start ensuring that your finances are separate from hers and make a plan to move out or move her out.

    I’m sorry, but this is like the scene in The Man with Two Brains where Steve Martin asks for a sign if he shouldn’t marry evil Kathleen Turner. The ground quakes, lightning, thunder, flames shoot from the candles, a long drawn out woman’s scream and the walls crack from floor to ceiling. In the silence that follows, he says “Just any kind of sign…”

    I think she is telling you deliberately that it’s over, but even if not, it’s over. The writing is on the wall.

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  • SixtyFour

    SixtyFour August 28, 2013, 10:39 am

    Since you told her this was a dealbreaker and she’s clearly breaking that by just talking to these guys, regardless of what it’s about, then you two aren’t compatible.

    But, that doesn’t mean you are off the hook. To have this kind of thing happen with two different women, maybe there’s something you’re doing that’s driving them away. Being too clingy and insecure? RUshing into a serious committed relationship when neither of you are really ready for that? Or you’re just not picking the right women. Whatever it is, take some time alone to think about it before dating again.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 10:42 am

      Hmm, just because 2 women cheated (and one really just texted as far as we know) its probably something he’s doing?

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  • avatar

    j2 August 28, 2013, 10:53 am

    Could this be one of those gender reversal letters?

    You know, where the story is the same, but the LW reverses the genders as some sort of test or prank. Maybe to see if a forum of mostly women really would condemn behavior of another woman that they would always condemn if a man were the one doing it.

    It could be real, but the phrasing seemed really odd to me. If it is, MOA. Simple.

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    • avatar

      KL August 28, 2013, 11:01 am

      Certainly there’s another forum I read that seems to have been chosen as an MRA social experiment lab. Every few days there’s a really over-the-top tale of female villainy followed by accusations that the board would respond differently to a woman whose male partner did the same things. So it’s possible.

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  • avatar

    Christy August 28, 2013, 11:06 am

    Oh, and I don’t know if the title is quite fair. His fiancee RECEIVES sexy texts from her exes, but it doesn’t look like she’s sending them. In which case, she still has boundaries that aren’t acceptable to LW.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ August 28, 2013, 10:12 am

    Sounds to me like she isn’t ready for marriage, or even a long-term commitment, but doesn’t want to “hurt” you by saying it. She has no respect for your wishes when she does these things, or even allows these things to happen, so why are you still with her?

    Are you scared of being alone?

    I’ve got a friend that married after 6 months of being together. They are together 18 years later. With 5 kids. Another friend lasted 6 months of marriage after the same courtship you describe, without the sexy-texts.
    I don’t know what it takes to have a long, happy marriage. But dude, this isn’t it.

    Break up and move on. It’s better for the both of you.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo August 28, 2013, 11:12 am

    Wasn’t this a country song? “All of My Exes Live in Textses”? I may not have this right…

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    • avatar

      j2 August 28, 2013, 11:27 am

      Maybe her hair was the same color as a yellow rose?

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    • avatar

      Morgan August 28, 2013, 11:34 am

      You are not the first to go there! Actually though, article is worth a read.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo August 28, 2013, 11:51 am

        Hey, my jokes are not innocent virgins being laughed at for the first time… they’ve been around the block a few times. They know what they’re doing.

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  • avatar

    Morgan August 28, 2013, 11:27 am

    Guy one: She left her phone next to you while sexting him (or arranging to sext him)

    Guy two: She left dirty facebook messages open on your computer

    Guy three: she “accidenally” put a letter from him in your bag.

    She wants you to catch her. She wanted you to see those things. Why? dunno. Maybe she wants out and is too cowardly to break up with you so she started doing the one thing you told her was a deal breaker. I’m not really sure it matters why she is doing it though, because it is a deal breaker for you. MOA.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark August 28, 2013, 11:39 am

    Dude, STOP BEING STUPID. STOP BEING DESPERATE.

    Look, you two are so NOT a match. Obviously, she is deliberately wanting you to catch her in these messages as she is RELENTLESS in staging these events in ways that it would be impossible for you NOT to find out.

    MOA.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest August 28, 2013, 12:52 pm

      Did you notice he rushed to marry again?

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  • meadowphoenix

    meadowphoenix August 28, 2013, 11:39 am

    Your girl’s got game and these are signs you shouldn’t play with her.

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  • avatar

    Amanda August 28, 2013, 12:28 pm

    WEES. Seriously, LW, this woman is treating you like crap. You can either continue in this relationship and be treated like garbage, or you can decide to love yourself better and dump her ass. Please choose the latter.

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  • avatar

    painted_lady August 28, 2013, 12:31 pm

    Let me make it clear here that I am NOT DEFENDING THE FIANCÉE, but I’m curious why the LW only ever mentioned things that were written TO her and not BY her. I find it interesting that this is the focus of the letter. Obviously if there are men in her life who are being inappropriate she needs to be able to take action, and I definitely think the likelihood of three men sending overtly sexual/romantic messages unprompted is slim, but I think the focus may be a little off – kind of like how typically women blame the “other woman” for seducing her man rather than facing the fact that someone she loves chose to cheat on her.

    I’m not going to say this is your fault, either, that you’re doing something to drive these women back into the arms of exes. However, you know the saying, “Two times is a coincidence, three times is a pattern?” This is an awfully specific coincidence, so I wonder if you’re not drawn to something in these women that also makes them more likely to cheat with an ex. A sense of a certain kind of romanticism, a need to feel like they’re going to be someone’s biggest regret…I don’t know. You might know better than me. Or maybe you’re just not listening to your own instincts soon enough.

    I think it also could be a case of just not knowing these women well enough before you start making lifetime decisions with and about them. I don’t think – shy of outright psychopathy – anyone has the right to be surprised by anything their SO does in the first year you’re dating because you don’t actually know them. And if you don’t really know them, you shouldn’t agree to marry them. Sure, everyone knows that couple who married within six months and is still happily ever after, but those people are the exception. And also, those people would have been just fine waiting another year or two – it wouldn’t have hurt them. If you’re unwilling to wait on engagement or marriage till you’ve known someone a year, you’re wanting something that has nothing to do with making a life with that particular person. Figure that out before you ever bind yourself legally to someone.

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  • avatar

    Boosker August 28, 2013, 11:44 am

    Well, she’s a sucky person. Maybe she’s a sucky person because she’s trying to get a reaction out of you by leaving this awful clues lying around for you to find. Maybe she’s a sucky person because she’s cruel enough to go behind your back with exes and dumb enough to get caught three times. Either way, why bother?

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  • avatar

    Andrea Jean August 28, 2013, 10:57 pm

    If you have to “fight” for someone, they’re already gone. This person has some things/relationships that she is hiding from you. Run the fuck away. Do not marry this person.

    You still have some trust issues from your last relationship. They led you to look at her phone, and have caused you significant anxiety. I would suggest some therapy, to see what patterns you are falling into.

    Good luck

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