Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “My Girlfriend’s a Call Girl”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I discovered recently that my girlfriend of two months is a call girl. She has gone to great lengths to keep the fact from me, but eventually the deceptions and things that didn’t make sense caught up with her. She became angry when I found out and cut off all communication. Many things such as depression, extreme feelings of worthlessness, a bad attitude towards men, and nightmares about her hair and teeth falling out started to make sense once I learned what she was doing. Overall I would characterize her condition as fragile.

My question is, should I let her family know her condition in the hope that they can offer her some options and help her get out of the situation she has put herself in? I don’t think anyone close to her knows what she’s doing. — Concerned Boyfriend of a Call Girl

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].

123 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary October 24, 2012, 9:06 am

    Well…you’ve only been dating 2 months. Have you even met her family? How well do they know you? Because if my family members got a call from a random man that said he was my recent ex boyfriend and he said I was a prostitute (let’s call a spade a spade), they probably would think he was a dangerous nutjob. If you had been dating a year or two, I would say its a different story. Why do you think your girlfriend is making her money this way? If she has a drug problem or is under the control of a pimp, I would say MAYBE contact her family. But if she is choosing to make her money this way then she’s an adult and that’s her choice.

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    • avatar

      Anna October 24, 2012, 10:50 am

      I could not agree more. The sex industry is just like any other; there’s supply and demand. If a woman is voluntarily selling her body and a man wants to purchase a few hours, that should be a perfectly legal business transaction and everyone else should butt out. Now, if he has a problem with dating a prostitute that’s understandable! I certainly wouldn’t date a gigolo. But they’ve only been dating for two months; it’s not like he married her and then found out she’s a hooker. He should just MOA if he can’t handle what she does for a living, or if he is really into her he could express his feelings to her and ask how she would feel about finding a different line of work in order to give the relationship a chance. But under no circumstances should he contact her family; that’s crossing a line.

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      • avatar

        GTR October 24, 2012, 11:15 pm

        I couldn’t DISAGREE more. Kerrycontrary says that if her family members got a call from a random man saying that she was a prostitute, they’d think he was a dangerous nutjob. Which ignores the rather important fact that Kerrycontrary ISN’T a prostitute! The LW’s ex is. It’s not an unhinged fantasy – it’s a demonstrable fact. And if the LW can work out the truth after 2 months, the family probably has suspicions already.

        Given that the ex appears to be struggling with depression, poor self-esteem and a LOT of subconscious trauma brought on by her double life, there is a case to be made for an intervention. Sure, prostitutes can be successful, empowered alphawomen working their way through law school, but do you really think that describes the woman presented here?

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  • avatar

    Alecia October 24, 2012, 9:09 am

    I applaud you for wanting to help her. And I think informing her family would be a good step to take. However, you risk making her more upset so it would be best to contact them discreetly. Also, if there is a counseling center in the area or a sexual health center it would be good to see what options they offer. Best of luck to you and her.

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    • avatar

      oldie October 24, 2012, 9:50 am

      I doubt he wants to help her. He feels she cheated on him, dumped him, and generally hurt his feelings. Now he wants to ruin her relationship with her parents and friends. His attitude is about revenge, not helping. Why did he even want to date her if he thought she had such an awful attitude toward men and all the other personality defects he lists? The guy is just bitter. He gets no gold star for helpfulness from me.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 24, 2012, 10:45 am

        Whoa! Where on earth do you get “revenge” out of anything the LW said? If he really wanted revenge, do you think he’d write in to an advice site asking permission? I’m pretty sure if he was hurt and burned and wanted to act out of anger, he’d just act.

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      • avatar

        oldie October 24, 2012, 10:58 am

        Yes. He cast himself in the best possible light in his letter and wants validation for his hurt feelings. Lots of other women saying his gf is a tramp who is badly in need of his ‘help’ is just the balm his ego needs, after finding he has been dating a call girl. To him, this must be a truly awful and humiliating thing. How did he learn of her occupation? He doesn’t say. If she confessed to him, I think he’d say so. Odds are he snooped on her computer or cellphone. I think he wanted to date somebody he could control and now finds he can’t. Just read his description of her personality, as he saw it, “depressed and very low self esteem, with a very bad attitude toward men.” I ask you, what man seeking a healthy relationship chooses a girlfriend whom he views in that light? I think the correct answer is nobody.

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      • Amybelle

        Amybelle October 24, 2012, 11:09 am

        That makes a lot of sense…very insightful!

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 24, 2012, 11:23 am

        I’m sorry, but you’re assuming A LOT about this man’s emotions, and speaking for him – “He feels she cheated on him, dumped him, and generally hurt his feelings. Now he wants to ruin her relationships with family and friends…this must be a truly awful and humiliating thing for him…I think he wanted to date somebody he could control and now finds he can’t.” I do not see enough evidence in this very short letter to say with the same certainty you are conveying that he is hurt and angry and has malicious intentions. I don’t see how he could cast himself in the best possible light when he barely said anything about himself in the whole letter.

        I don’t think she confessed, but he said “eventually the deceptions and things that didn’t make sense caught up with her.” This, to me, does not indicated snooping, but rather that she was caught in a lie. Maybe she made a lot of excuses for her schedule that just didn’t add up. Maybe she contradicted herself. Maybe some evidence was left out in the open.

        What makes you think that’s a complete description of her personality? He was just pointing out the parts that were relevant to the problem at hand. Men are often very direct in their communication, often they don’t beat around the bush or conceal their point or include details they don’t feel are relevant. It could be that she had a gorgeous smile and was a fan of his favorite sports teams and was really fun at parties, while also being depressed and having negative opinions about men, but that first part isn’t relevant to the question he wanted to ask.

        Again, no personal offense intended to you Oldie, but your comment just struck me as jumping to conclusions based on little evidence. I’m not saying you’re definitely wrong, just that there may be sides to the story not represented in this letter (as with all letters).

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 24, 2012, 11:37 am

        I’d add, too, that a lot of men are “Fixers.” When they see a problem, their first impulse is to try to fix it. Maybe the problem is nonexistent or only in their perception, maybe the other party doesn’t want or need the help, but you can’t fault him for wanting to try. This problem comes up a lot in couples when the woman is just venting about her day, the man starts suggesting things she could or should have done, and the woman gets defensive and upset because she feels like she’s being attacked and not listened to but the man was just trying to help, in his own way.

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      • avatar

        oldie October 24, 2012, 12:14 pm

        I readily admit to assuming a lot, but with so little information, one has no alternative but to fill in the gaps with guesses going in one direction or another. You and I went in different directions, which is fine. Why did I go in the direction I did? I think because, while he claims that the only reason he wants to rat her out to her parents is that he cares so deeply about her well being, he says nothing that is positive or favorable to her in his message. You chose to guess that he just left out all the positive stuff that he found attractive about her. I might have been able to agree with that if he had given any indication of what he saw that was positive about this woman, even just a hint. Also, again assuming from absence of info, I don’t think he has ever been introduced to her parents. I really don’t think his gf thought they were as involved gf/bf as he did. He thinks it dishonest that she didn’t tell him all about herself. I’m assuming she didn’t think they were close enough yet or that she trusted him enough yet to disclose all her secrets to him. I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking he was prying and snooping and suspect he was quite accusatory when he found out about her secrets. I just get no sense from his letter that he has this woman’s back. Not male bashing, I am male. I no we problem solve and I understand how we communicate, but do not see this letter as ‘generous’.

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      • avatar

        SallyS November 21, 2012, 8:25 pm

        Actually, with so little information, one has no alternative but to work with the information that has been given … not to “fill in the gaps with guesses.”

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    • avatar

      Schwinny October 24, 2012, 2:57 pm

      I disagree. This sounds like concern trolling to me. Two months is barely a relationship. Intervening with family sounds like revenge disguised as concern and is a total jerk move. Let your ex decide if, when, and how to tell her family about her career choice.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 25, 2012, 3:30 am

        Whatever… If he wanted to do this for revenge — you really think he’d have written in? And to here of all places? Seriously, have you all gone completely daft?!

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  • avatar

    bethany October 24, 2012, 9:20 am

    As a boyfriend of only 2 months, I don’t think you know her well enough to go to her family. I agree with Alecia, maybe contact a counseling or sexual health center to see what they have to say about it?

    Also, you don’t include why she does what she does… Maybe she likes it? Maybe she likes the money, the lifestyle, whatever. Depression and weird dreams don’t prove that being a call girl is taking a toll on her emotional well being. I have dreams about my teeth falling out ALL THE TIME, and I’m happily married, and have never been a prostitute. Those dreams actually symbolize a fear of losing control, which could relate to any number of things in her life.

    I applaud you for your concern, but I just don’t think you’re close enough to her to try to help on the level you want to.

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  • avatar

    EricaSwagger October 24, 2012, 9:26 am

    This isn’t really your place. You dated for two months. She is (I hope) old enough to be making her own life choices. She’s cut off all communication with you and you should accept that. If you absolutely feel you NEED to say something and you’re going to be stubborn about it, I urge you to go small.

    You can MAYBE send a message to the family that though you’ve broken up, the circumstances were a little worrisome and maybe someone close to her should keep an eye out. That’s all you should say, if anything.

    Oh, and get tested for STDs. Like… yesterday.

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 24, 2012, 9:28 am

    I feel like I need more information here– like Bethany said, maybe she likes her job? As her boyfriend of only 2 months, can you really be sure? Or are her circumstances so obviously desperate that you just KNOW she’s doing this out of necessity (for example…I don’t know, is she homeless? in massive debt?)

    However, based on what you wrote–“Many things such as depression, extreme feelings of worthlessness, a bad attitude towards men, and nightmares about her hair and teeth falling out started to make sense once I learned what she was doing. Overall I would characterize her condition as fragile”–I think I’m going to just trust your assessment. These things DO sound related to her being a call girl. Or, perhaps these feelings she has led to her choice. In any case, she needs help.

    I’m not sure what YOUR role should be in this, though. Repeating the same questions as everyone else– have you met her family? Is she close with them? Would the consequences be too dire if they found out her occupation? If her family seems loving & supportive, I can see informing them & then stepping out of the situation. I know you’re worried, but don’t make it your job to “save” her.

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    • avatar

      Lilybell October 24, 2012, 4:41 pm

      Fabelle, I am not a call girl and I have the same nightmares about hair and teeth falling out. They are very, very common recurring dreams and have nothing to do with a fragile emotional state; I have a happy life with very little stress. They are similar to dreams people have about not wearing clothes to school. It’s a red herring and I agree with people stating he is “concern trolling”.

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  • avatar

    csp October 24, 2012, 9:29 am

    LW, This is a really tough call. Let me ask you, if it was something else, would you tell them. If it was drugs lets say? However, I am guessing that her family situation is not good if she is this desperate. It might not do her any good and frankly, might put her in more harm. If it was me, I would leave one final message saying you are there if she ever needs someone. Then MOA.

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  • avatar

    j2 October 24, 2012, 9:46 am

    There are many important items “we” do not know.

    How old is she? Telling her family might be more appropriate if she were, say, 18 versus 38. Nonetheless, we do not know anything about her family. For all we know, she may be doing this to escape them, or it may even be a “family business.”

    Is she employed otherwise? Is she doing it to avoid being homeless? Feed a drug habit? Is she being blackmailed into it?

    Another factor is the LW’s personal safety. If he tells her family, she will know who did it. She may have one or more, let’s say, “male associates” who may not take it well.

    Other things being equal, I would hope the LW tries to direct help her way, but (sadly) things are rarely equal.

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    • avatar

      csp October 24, 2012, 10:20 am

      alot of good questions here. yes. we need more info

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    • avatar

      Amanda October 24, 2012, 10:25 am

      WJ2S. There are far too many unknowns in this situation, including the LW’s motivation for contacting his ex’s family, how exactly he found out that she was a call girl (snooping?, did he catch an STD?), why they started this relationship since his ex has a bad attitude towards men, etc. It leads me to think that the LW craves drama on some level and wants to “save” his ex. You are not a knight in shining armor LW, so MOA.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ October 24, 2012, 10:49 am

        Sounds to me like she might have been behaving suspicious (he mentioned the great lengths she went to to conceal this from him), I’d imagine he had suspicions and cornered her into ‘fessing up. “Deceptions and things that didn’t make sense caught up with her,” to me, = she was caught in a lie, not that he was snooping.

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  • avatar

    oldie October 24, 2012, 9:47 am

    If she cut off all communication with you, then she is not your gf, she is your ex. It is not your place to rat her out to her parents.

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    • avatar

      haggith October 24, 2012, 1:52 pm

      exactly!!!! she doesn’t want to do anything with you so you should keep away from her business. i just wanna ask something: what condition are you talking about? her depression? was she diagnosed or something? i don’t know if you got that info since you dated for a little while. or are you talking about prostitution as “condition”? as far as i know it’s not a disease (unless she infected you with an std) and if she’s an adult you don’t have any say in the occupation she chose

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  • avatar

    Maddie October 24, 2012, 9:47 am

    I’m leaning against the LW telling her family. Unless she’s doing this to fund a drug habit or something similar, I just don’t know if being her boyfriend of 2 months is enough time to make that call. What does fragile mean? Is she suicidal?

    Maybe talking to her close friends instead of her family is a better idea.

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  • avatar

    Sunshine Brite October 24, 2012, 9:53 am

    I don’t think you should contact them. Doesn’t sound like you know them or her for that matter. Plus, you’re her ex and I probably wouldn’t forget that. Just move on.

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  • MackenzieLee

    MackenzieLee October 24, 2012, 9:57 am

    If you’re genuinely worried about your girlfriend talk to HER. Even if she isn’t responding to your calls/texts/emails give her a call (once) and offer your help and support to her. If she doesn’t respond drop the issue

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  • avatar

    SuzyQ October 24, 2012, 9:59 am

    I don’t t hink that kids from supportive and functional families become call girls. By involving the family, you just might be making things worse. What she needs is emotional work and, unless you were close friends before you dated, an ex is not the o ne to provide it. Sorry but I say leave it alone. It’s not your place.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary October 24, 2012, 11:03 am

      I disagree with your first sentence. That’s like saying that kids from supportive and functional (i’m assuming you mean 2 parent) households don’t become drug addicts, because they do. And a lot of drug addicts become sex workers.

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      • avatar

        csp October 24, 2012, 11:13 am

        I think she is trying to say that you can’t assume that telling her parents would be helpful. It might do more harm then good.

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      • avatar

        Slamy October 24, 2012, 12:08 pm

        2 parent doesn’t equal supportive and functional!

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      • avatar

        oldie October 24, 2012, 1:49 pm

        This is true. It is also true that it is an extreme stretch to conclude that kids from functional families, who were loved and well parented, always turn out well or at all close to what their parents desired. As children grow up and mature, they inevitably choose their own path, influenced by friends, teachers, life experiences, and just what they observe of the world around them. They change a lot in HS and college and parents don’t have the determining influence. Even if the parents are kind, loving, looking out for the best for their kids, teenage rebellion is common and that takes many directions. Older children feel a lot more pressure to conform to their peers than to their parents.

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  • avatar

    mf October 24, 2012, 10:02 am

    If you believe – genuinely, honestly believe – that she might hurt herself (suicide, self-harm, drugs, etc.), then you should call her parents. If she’s in a bad place emotionally but has done nothing to make you believe she’s a threat to herself, then you should encourage her to seek counseling and MOA.

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  • avatar

    ebstarr October 24, 2012, 10:06 am

    I don’t get anything self-serving from the guy in this letter. He doesn’t even say he (if he is a he) was angry when he found out – he says the girlfriend was. And I think someone with depression and extreme feelings of worthlessness might need help. LW, is there anyone close to her whom you can bring up these issues — without revealing what you’ve found out about her occupation? What she needs is someone to encourage her to get therapy for those bad feelings, and IF her choice of occupation is related to her other issues (I feel like it probably is, but who are we to say? Some sex workers are very positive about their choice) then mental health care can help with that. If she has extreme feelings of worthlessness and a bad attitude towards men, it’s possible that comes from within her family, so maybe choose a roommate or girlfriend of hers who would be able to hear your concerns & help out. I say don’t tell anyone about the call girl thing, though.

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  • QaraKoz

    Qara Koz October 24, 2012, 10:14 am

    If she’s over 18 and has cut off all communication with you, it is not your place to be interjecting yourself into her life. In your own words her condition is already pretty “fragile” and in combination with the fact that she cut off communication with you as soon as you found out makes me believe that she would do the same if her family found out.
    If you’re still worried, directly contact HER to let her know you’re there for her and just want to support her.

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  • avatar

    Bossy Italian Wife October 24, 2012, 10:18 am

    Personally, I would just MOA. You may love her, but your love won’t save her and telling her family will only piss her off. She’s already not talking to you. If I found out my boyfriend/girlfriend of 2 months was a call-anything, I wouldn’t even be trying to contact anyone but my gyno to make sure I was disease free.

    At this point, you might do well to have a little more concern for yourself.

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    • avatar

      muffy October 24, 2012, 10:50 am

      Yeah I agree. She has a lot of personal problems and a job that leads her to have sex with other men most likely perpetuating the personal problems. She is an adult. Even if she’s involved in drugs etc… I would still live her alone. We wouldn’t advise a girl whose bf was a coke addict to let his family know – at least I wouldn’t after two months together. Just let her be.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG October 24, 2012, 10:35 am

    I’m going to operate under the assumption that you live in an area where being a call girl is considered an illegal activity. If she’s being a call girl in an area where it’s considered LEGAL (some areas of Nevada or certain red light districts in Europe), then you should MYOB.

    Your ability to contact her family is dependent on the fact whether you’ve actually met them or not. If you have yet to even meet her family, then it is not the right time to even contact them regarding her career, and you should MYOB.

    Now if she was in her profession to support a potential drug habit, I feel there is some cause for concern. Yet you’ve only dated this girl for two whole months, and you’ve already determined that you know what is best for her to characterize her condition as “fragile” and attempt to get her out of her profession. Just because you dated her for two whole months, does not automatically make YOU her white knight by default.

    Yes, there are some people who become sex workers (whether it be call girls, strippers or porn stars) because they feel they have no other choice. However, there are instances where some people actually enjoy the money, the fame and/or the actual profession of being a sex worker. Your own sexual mores may have been shaken when you unwillingly dated a woman who got into the business, but unless you plan to start a serious committment with this woman, it is not your place to “help her get out of the situation she has put herself in” – especially since said woman “became angry when I found out and cut off all communication” from you.

    There is a lot missing in your letter indicating if there is a cause for an immediate emergency. Barring that, the most I would do is point her towards an organization towards empowering sexual workers (swaay.org, sexworkersproject.org immediately come to mind) and hope that if she’s going to work as a call girl, she will be a SAFE working call girl. Otherwise LW, she doesn’t want to hear from you anymore, so please MYOB.

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  • avatar

    a October 24, 2012, 10:36 am

    I find it strange how many people here are saying to just leave it alone. This guy knows the girl better then the rest of us and is telling us she does this secretively ( so clearly isnt open about it) and has some emotional issues. If there was a headline next week saying she was found in a ditch killed by some client that would be shocking- and anyone here who is a parent should think about how they would feel if their child was selling herself, perhaps putting herself in harms way, and no one had an interest in helping them. Unless i am mistaken being a call girl is not something that we aspire girls to be in our society, so rather then let her get on with it and hope for the best why not try and help to get her on track. Whether she wants better for herself or not, surely we as a human beings must want more for her!

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    • KKZ

      KKZ October 24, 2012, 11:01 am

      WaS! That struck me as a little strange, too. Sure, he hasn’t been dating her long (but doesn’t say whether they knew each other at all before dating) and she’s essentially broken up with him by ceasing all communication, but personally if I were in his shoes and saw a woman whom I cared about (not necessarily in love, but obviously care about on some level if I was dating her) engaging in risky behavior or enduring depression/worthlessness without treatment, I’d have a hard time just saying “Not my problem!” and just moving on. Maybe the parents/family wouldn’t be my first choice, but like you said, if some harm later came to this girl that I felt I could have prevented by just speaking up, I would be crushed.

      Sort of reminds me of a time I suspected a coworker might have been in an abusive relationship (based on overheard phone calls with her husband, a general assessment of her emotions, and some other warning signs), but wasn’t really close enough to her on a personal level that I felt I could/should say anything.

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      • avatar

        muffy October 24, 2012, 11:13 am

        Telling her family she is a prostitute could cause huge problems. Telling her family may not actually help her. They could cut her off completely – they may already not speak to her. If you want to help her you should talk to HER. If LW doesn’t want to date someone like that which is perfectly valid then he should just leave.

        However I would advise the LW to just leave. You don’t want to be involved in this kind of lifestyle. She has issues with men and has sex with a lot of strange men – not only is it dangerous but it can give you an STD. I don’t see how this can be an advantageous relationship for the LW.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 2:08 pm

      Actually, if she winds up dead in a ditch next week that WOULDN’T be shocking. Hello, it happens all the time… Oh, well. Clearly few care about the fate of prostitutes… I don’t know why I expected here to be any different. Sad…

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl October 24, 2012, 3:52 pm

        I think there is a difference between someone how is being forced to sell their body by pimp and someone who willingly exchanges a sexual act for money/goods. (Full disclosure- I have no problem with the exchange of money for sex/sex acts, so long as the person being paid is in the situation voluntarily.) We really don’t know why the woman in the letter is prostituting – for all we know she might just enjoy it. Or maybe she is in a much worse situation. We just don’t know.

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    • rainbow

      rainbow October 24, 2012, 3:36 pm

      ” being a call girl is not something that we aspire girls to be in our society, so rather then let her get on with it and hope for the best why not try and help to get her on track. Whether she wants better for herself or not, surely we as a human beings must want more for her”.

      As a former sex worker I find this insulting. This isn’t about your morals or your preferences or your idea of what the perfect society would be like. Don’t get in the business if you don’t feel like it, but don’t patronize people who do by forcing your help on them, because that is far more objectifying than paying them to suck you off.

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      • avatar

        a October 24, 2012, 3:47 pm

        Its absolutely about all those things- (morals and preferences) I am entitled to a view of what a better society would look like, we all are, thats why you can choose to vote for Obama over Romney and vice versa!
        You chose to be a sex worker most dont, and saying that its more troubling behaviour to you for me to encourage someone to live life to a greater potential and more importantly to protect themselves, than it is for me to pay them to give me a blow job makes me very concerned for your set of priorities.

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      • rainbow

        rainbow October 24, 2012, 3:53 pm

        Yes, you are entitled to a view of what a better society would look like. You’re just not entitled to call people’s parents when they refuse to contribute to it. The fact that you can’t see the difference is kind of upsetting too.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 24, 2012, 3:57 pm

        Sorry, but sex work is not always degrading, demoralizing, or dangerous and yes, some women and men do choose this line of work for themselves and it’s belittling and insulting for you to say that everyone who does sex work should live life to a “greater potential.” I think we need to get it out of our heads that all sex workers are damaged, exploited, abused, and coerced. It’s unfortunate that that is often the case, but it insulting to those that choose the profession to assume there’s something wrong with them.

        For the record, I think a better society would be one in which prostitution was legal and not looked down upon.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl October 24, 2012, 4:00 pm

        Thank you for having the words I did not. Two adults exchanging money for a service is perfectly fine.

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      • avatar

        a October 25, 2012, 7:40 am

        exchanging money for a service is fine….as long as its legal!!!
        changing money for being serviced….not quite the same.

        and you yourself say “often” in reference to sex work because you cannot look at the industry globally and tell me selling your body, is something that globally is done in a healthy, safe way with girls who are generally speaking choosing to do the job ( and doing it because its something they feel they want to dedicate their life to)

        On this site people are the biggest advocates of MOA in response to relationship violations and yet here we are advocating for a business that basically profits from exactly that activity! boggles the mind

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl October 25, 2012, 9:07 am

        How is prostitution an industry that basically profits off of relationship violations?

        And I agree with your point about legality, but I beleive prostitution should be legal (and highly regulated – but I also beleive marijuana should be legal so clearly I have no morals). Amsterdam and the Bunny Ranch in Nevada are great examples of how the sex industry can work and be safe for all involved.

        And really, how many people have exchanged a bj (or the like) with their partner after a nice dinner or to get them to do something…it’s the same thing. Money/goods for a sexual service.

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      • avatar

        a October 25, 2012, 9:49 am

        How do prostitutes make money and capitalize from infidielity in marriages or relationships in general i would think is fairly clear.

        While I appreciate that you believe prostitution ( and marijuana) should be legal, it doesnt change the fact that they arent so your views on what the law should be doesnt change whether someone currently “working in the field” is breaking the law and therefore on a positive life track, or not. And smoking pot is a nice easy example of an adult doing something that is a transaction between consenting adults who should be able to do to their bodies as they wish, but the argument your making holds in the same way if we are talking about cocaine so making blanket statements about what adults should be entitled to do within the parameters you yourself have set for everyone is somewhat dangerous, especially when there is a rule of law. its a broader discussion, but bottom line at the moment the sex industry is not legal generally speaking and not safe for most of the participants in it.
        And somehow i dont think giving your boyfriend a BJ in the hope that they will do the dishes is the same as selling your body to a random stranger for sex and living a secret life as a prostitute that ruins your other relationships when it becomes public, and MIGHT well have contributed to a degree of ill mental health in a person.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl October 25, 2012, 10:15 am

        So you’re saying people in the sex industry prey on individuals in relationships?

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      • avatar

        a October 25, 2012, 10:26 am

        its not about preying on people its about who is using the service! whether they are the instigators or not. Its no different then the Madison Brown website….the people using it come to it off their own accord, does that mean that the website itself is a good thing because its providing a service?

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl October 25, 2012, 10:49 am

        But it’s not the person providing the service’s job to get the life story of a person before hand! Do you expect a bartender to ask every person that orders a drink if they have a history of alcohol abuse or anything else going on that should prevent them from drinking? No. Should the person at the McDonalds counter ask if the purchaser has made a pact to be a vegan or has high cholestoral or gatric bypass surgery? What about the person at Macy’s ringing up a high dollar purse, should they ask if the person can afford it or if they have a shopping addiction? No. The ownus is on the person purchasing the goods/service to make the right decision NOT on the person providing said goods/service to make that decision for them.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow October 24, 2012, 3:59 pm

        Welcome back, Rainbow! Missed you!

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      • rainbow

        rainbow October 24, 2012, 4:03 pm

        Thank you CM! I missed you too <3. I have been really busy (I start publishing a graphic novel in chapters online in december and I'm getting everything ready so I try not to get distracted) but JK invited me to come over some time =)

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      • avatar

        painted_lady October 24, 2012, 4:42 pm

        Send us a link!!! I cannot WAIT to see the finished product!!!

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny October 24, 2012, 5:25 pm

        rainbow!!! <3 <3 <3

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  • avatar

    Painted_lady October 24, 2012, 10:49 am

    Wow. I have depression and feelings of worthlessness if I’m not on medication. I’ve had recurring dreams about my teeth falling out since I was in college. I’ve been known to think poorly of certain types of men – misogynists, abusers, controlling assholes – and that has nothing to do with my being a prostitute. Because I’m not. So don’t assume she has problems because she’s a prostitue, or even that she is a prostitute because she has these problems. That’s exceedingly arrogant.

    There are plenty of things that people do as careers that may make their partners uncomfortable, and this is obviously one. However, if she likes what she does, and she’s safe and smart about it, there is no reason to tell you unless and until you become exclusive. But if you are, then she was lying to you, and that is terribly wrong. And if she doesn’t enjoy it? If she hates herself, and she is eaten up with self-loathing? That is absolutely, positively, without a doubt not your business to fix for her. You may encourage her to do certain things and help her decide what is best, but she is an adult, and you have no right to decide how she lives her life.

    I know several people who are or have been sex workers in some capacity, and it’s always a struggle for them to figure out when to tell the men they’re dating. If you tell someone before you know them, there’s the chance they will be freaked out that you revealed too much on the first date, plus people are far more judgmental of people they don’t know. If you wait too long, then your partner is attached, but so are you, and then the partner also feels lied to. And because of how our society views sex work, legal or not, many people judge it. Many people feel sex workers need “saving,” whether they do or not. And as well, there’s a huge amount of trust you have to have in someone you tell, because they can quite literally ruin your life. Your family relationships are likely to be destroyed, and if word goes further, you can lose or become ineligible for certain jobs (hi, teaching!), and if you’re doing illegal sex work, you can even face prison time. If she told you she was a call girl, then it’s because she trusts you, so don’t break that trust by deciding you know how to live her life better than she does. If you found out through other means, then understand these were her reasons for not telling you. If you don’t want to date a sex worker, fine. You’re absolutely allowed to decide what is best for her. But so is she. So let her do that.

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    • avatar

      Painted_lady October 24, 2012, 10:57 am

      Second to last sentence – “Best for YOU.” Not “her.” Time for more coffee.

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    • avatar

      ktfran October 24, 2012, 11:27 am

      I really like and appreciate this response.

      Plus, a lot of time, people equate call girl to low end hooker with a pimp. For all we know, she’s a call girl making a hell of a lot of money and supporting herself. Maybe she does have a low opinion of men. But maybe it’s because she’s servicing men who cheat on their wives or are into kinky things.

      What I’m trying to say is that with the information given by the LW, we can’t even possibly know the situation his ex girlfriend is in. Hell (there’s that word again), for all we know, the LW blew up when he find out and his ex was fearful of him, so she cut contact.

      So, I agree with painted_lady. MOA if you don’t want to date a sex worker. If you really are concerned with her well being, seek advice from people who know how to handle the situation and proceed accordingly.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay October 24, 2012, 10:52 am

    Maybe I’m being stupid, but are all those things you listed really specific to being a call girl? Because I have nightmares about my hair falling out (and I think EVERYONE dreams about their teeth falling out) and I have a bad attitude toward men. And I am not a call girl.

    I’m not really sure what you should do. My first reaction is that she’s a grown woman, I assume, so she’s free to make her own choices. I also wonder if you know the whole story with her her family, because I assume that if help from her parents were an option, she would have exercised it (also assuming that she’s doing this out of necessity, like you say).

    Anyway, if she’s in immediate danger, you should definitely tell. If you decide to tell someone (a friend of hers might be a better place to start), then I’d leave out the call girl business and just tell them she’s really depressed.

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    • KKZ

      KKZ October 24, 2012, 11:06 am

      OK guys, relax, he didn’t say that ONLY call girls have these problems, just that her problems made more sense to him when he found out what she was doing. Like if you found out your partner was a secret transvestite, his otherwise unusual interest in women’s fashion would make more sense – but that doesn’t mean every man with an interest in fashion is a transvestite. I think some people are reading a little too far into his assessment.

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      • SarahKat

        SarahKat October 24, 2012, 12:03 pm

        But why would those problems make more sense to him finding out that she was a prostitute? I think the randomness of what details he decided to share is what I’m scratching my head over. Why not say “Hey, I walked into bedroom to find a politician handing her hundos and thanking her for the hired sex acts they just had” or whatever evidence he has? Why choose to say “well she didn’t like men and liked her hair a lot so I TOTALLY get the prostitution thing now”? Its just so weird.

        Its like if we read a letter that said “I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. He eat small portion sizes at fast food places and he whitened his teeth once. TOTALLY makes sense that he’s a cheater. My eyes have been OPENED.” Why tell those rando details without ALSO including how he found out? Makes. No. Sense.

        Also, I agree with Painted_lady that it just comes off very arrogant that he assumes that her issues have to do with being a call girl. Or that he is somehow capable of diagnosing her issues and what causes them after knowing her for two months. Like he’s the patron saint of prostitutes who dumped him.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:12 pm

        Who knows? It’s well known that prostitutes everywhere are the pictures of perfect mental health…

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      • avatar

        Lindsay October 25, 2012, 12:17 am

        I know what he meant. I was joking around. I’d personally just be annoyed if someone I’d dated for such a short time started playing armchair psychologist with my issues.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow October 24, 2012, 10:57 am

    I am not sure I understand the connection between her being a sex worker and being “fragile.” Not all people who work in the sex industry are doing it because they’re damaged. I hope you’re not just assuming her condition is “fragile” because of the lifestyle she chose for herself.

    However, as everyone else has said, there are some potential concerns that could come along with her line of work. If she’s being coercecd or doing it to fund a drug habit then yes, that’s a reason for concern.

    If I were you, LW, I think I would try to determine if my concern for her mental well-being is separate from my concern about her chosen line of work. If you’re operating under the assumption that all sex workers must be damaged in some way, then let it go. If you have true reason to be worried, then talk to her about it and offer your support. I’m not sure if you should get the family involved; I know I would HATE HATE HATE it if someone tried to involve my family in something like this. If you do talk to her family, though, I would leave out the call girl thing and just say you’re worried about her mental health.

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    • avatar

      MiMi October 24, 2012, 11:15 am

      Completely agree! A general message of concern is reasonable, because in truth you don’t know the whole situation. You are kind to want to make a supportive gesture.
      To be practical, depending on what transpired between you, getting tested for STDs might be a good idea.

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle October 24, 2012, 11:20 am

    If he is under 18 please contact someone soon. If she is over 18 just leave her alone.

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  • SixtyFour

    SixtyFour October 24, 2012, 11:29 am

    If you really feel like her emotional state is so fragile that you feel she may hurt hurself, then yes, you should let her family know your concerns about her mental and emotional state. But don’t mention her profession! That seems like a secondary concern here. If her family becomes concerned and and tries to help her get the support she needs, she may voluntarily tell them what her profession is and stop doing it if that was part her emotional downfall, or she may continue to do it becuase that was never part of the problem but simply something she enjoyed.

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    • avatar

      oldie October 24, 2012, 12:21 pm

      He didn’t seem to be interested in getting her any help with her depression, low self worth, or general fragility as long as she was willing to be his gf and he didn’t know she was a call girl. Now that he’s been dumped, she’s in danger and someone needs to be alerted so these problems get attention. Fishy? Manipulative and controlling?

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson October 24, 2012, 11:32 am

    Move on and mind your own business.

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    • avatar

      amber October 24, 2012, 12:56 pm

      Yep!

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  • SarahKat

    SarahKat October 24, 2012, 11:38 am

    So um….you do have actual evidence that she’s a prostitute and Its not just that she’s depressed and has nightmares about her hair and teeth falling out right? Because EVERY girl freaks out that her hair is going to fall out and the teeth falling out thing means she’s a night grinder. Teeth grinder, not sex grinder.

    Also, what evidence could you have found? I mean, its not like there are receipts. Were you digging through her computer for emails? Did she actually admit it or did she just get angry and dump you (which is what any woman would do if her two month boyfriend called her a prostitute)? Or was it that you saw her wearing nice things and seeing other guys so you decided to assume the rest?

    So with your…*cough*…. ironclad evidence that you’ve found and decided not to share in your letter, which would make sense to do, you want to know what to do with it. The thing is, from your letter, I can’t tell if you are actually worried for her safety, or a concern troll trying to get back at the woman who dumped him by telling her parents she’s a hooker (they call that Kris Humphries style). Either way, you need to back out of her life. Unless you feel she is in physical danger (like, you know she has an angry pimp or that she’s come home with injuries), its not your job to get in her private matter. If you do feel she is in physical danger, then talk to her and give her resources that can help her. If you feel like she’s hurting herself physically, then that’s the time to find someone who’s actually close with her to speak to.

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  • avatar

    Grilledcheesecalliope October 24, 2012, 11:48 am

    Was she angry when you found out because she is ashamed, or because you snooped? I don’t think.2 months is a long enough relationship to go tattling to parents unless she is actually in danger. And no being a call girl does not automatically make her in danger. If she is on drugs, is being abused, or forced then I would try to talk to a friend who knows her better and can better decide if her family needs to be.involved.

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  • theattack

    theattack October 24, 2012, 11:53 am

    She’s an adult. Mind your own business.

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  • avatar

    SweetPeaG October 24, 2012, 12:17 pm

    I agree with everyone that says to leave her family out of it. It is not your job at this early stage of your relationship with her. I think you are viewing yourself as this woman’s hero/night in shining armor who will rescue her from this terrible life situation. And, if she truly is miserable, it would be nice if she saw in you some potential for a better life. As a couple, you could have worked through some of her issues. But, her actions have shown that she either likes her life or is just not ready to change it. And she didn’t trust you or care for you enough to tell you what was going on. The best you can do is send her one final communication. Tell her that you’re hurt/angry that she wasn’t honest with you, but your main concern is for her well-being. Let her know you’re there if she needs a friend. Leave it at that. Seriously.

    But, REALLY, if someone I was in an intimate relationship with kept from me the fact that they get paid for sex… I would want no further contact with that person. That’s just me. Call me crazy.

    P.S. Dreams about your teeth falling out are so strange! I have them every now and again. It is such a relief to wake up and still have my teeth! I have read it means you are worried about money. Interesting.

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  • avatar

    S.B. October 24, 2012, 11:39 am

    1) Remember LW, if you ‘out’ this woman as a sex worker, you could potentially cause her a whole lot MORE problems in her life. Even in many European countries where such occupations are legal, it’s still stigmatised, so having this info get out could damage her personal relationships and professional life (assuming she has a job outside sex work, and/or wants one in the future). At any rate, there would be a high risk of her family relationships getting torpedoed. If it’s illegal, she could end up in jail, which is not great for her mental health OR her CV. NONE OF THIS WILL HELP HER.
    2) Her mental health could have nothing to do with her job. Also, I’m a wee bit bothered that LW didn’t feel concerned enough to go all parent-intervention until he found out about her job. If her state was so ‘fragile’ while they were dating, why not prod her towards getting help then? IMHO, it triggered his desire to save the poor fallen woman from the ‘situation she has put herself in’.
    3) If you’re really concerned about her emotional state, LW, and not just upset that you got call-girl cooties (and got dumped), I’d contact her or her friends with some info about local mental health helplines or free counseling. No one needs to know the sex work stuff, just that she seemed depressed and anxious and could maybe use a hand.
    4) Contacting parents when you don’t know the family situation is asking for trouble, and given that you only dated two months, a wee bit creepy.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow October 24, 2012, 11:51 am

      1) Totes.
      2)THIS!!
      3) Yes.
      4) Creepy, indeed.

      In other words, WSBS!

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    • avatar

      SweetPeaG October 24, 2012, 12:22 pm

      2) Just playing devil’s advocate. I think that maybe he didn’t want to tell her family until she cut off contact with him. While he was with her, he (naively) felt he could help her with her depression issues all on his own. But, now that she has cut off contact, he might be afraid that nobody knows the state she’s in because she’s not allowing him to be around and to be her “protector”. I’m not saying what he’s thinking is the right thing to do. But, he probably doesn’t want her to be alone with her problems.

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      • avatar

        SweetPeaG October 24, 2012, 12:24 pm

        And YES, he should have tried to help her get therapy (or something) before he found this stuff out if he really thought she was “fragile”.

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  • avatar

    *HmC* October 24, 2012, 12:57 pm

    Everyone keeps referring to them as boyfriend and girlfriend and telling him to MOA. Um, she’s “cut off all communication.” Looks like the decision has already been made.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:06 pm

    Eh, I’d stay out of it. Walk away. The sheer amount of suspicion here alone should be more than enough to dissuade you from even trying to help her further. Sadly, this is one of those situations where everybody will just blame the messenger. In the end, you probably won’t have helped. In the end, she probably simply isn’t worth it.

    I do find it amusing that a guy writes in with — “Help! My Girlfriend is a Call Girl” and a hilarious number of you immediately go on the offensive and attack the poor guy… Seriously — WTF? Every time some woman on here finds out her man is cheating, it seems he should be castrated in the square. But turn the tables, here some sap finds out his girlfriend is (apparently) sleeping with dozens of people for cash, and suddenly — HE’s the bad guy? Um…okay.

    Now that IS hilarious to me… Sorry, it just is.

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    • SarahKat

      SarahKat October 24, 2012, 1:51 pm

      Its not a legit male LW post until BGM tells us we’re all persecuting him because his lack of vagina offends us.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:57 pm

        Or until somebody chimes in calling me on it but offering no REAL response to my argument. 😉

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      • SarahKat

        SarahKat October 24, 2012, 2:07 pm

        bgm OF COURSE I disagree with you and if I had all the patience in the world I would go at lengths to describe how you blast all of us for having a double standard about men, when you insult women on here more than anyone else for being like some women you know that gives you excuse to stereotype all of us. So let’s just speed up the argument that would happen.

        Me: *Tells bgm that isn’t fair and that we call women on their sh*t all the time*

        BGM: *Says something even more offensive about women to get a reaction*

        Me: *gets sucked into argument that has nothing to do with LW*

        BGM: *also get’s sucked into said argument*

        Neither of us feel better or heard from having said anything and it does nothing for the LW anyway. FIN.

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      • avatar

        iseeshiny October 24, 2012, 5:28 pm

        If only I had more thumbs.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 24, 2012, 1:58 pm

        It’s also not a legit female LW post until BGM tells us that we would be saying something different if the LW was a man.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 2:01 pm

        Do you REALLY think that if women wrote in about discovering that her depressed man was also a prostitute and secretly sleeping with tons of dudes so many would accuse her of NOT being sincerely concerned about his welfare?

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      • theattack

        theattack October 24, 2012, 2:04 pm

        If she wanted to go talk to his parents about it after she found out he had been sleeping with other people, YES! I would be shocked if a desire to tell someone’s parents came from legitimate concern instead of revenge. (And I still stand by saying that it is NOT helpful to tell someone’s parents in any scenario)

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 2:11 pm

        Tell that to my friend who’s parents hospitalized her upon learning she had confessed to a friend she WAS suicidal and now, fifteen years later, my friend is alive, well, and happy.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 24, 2012, 2:21 pm

        Suicide and prostitution are VERY different, BGM. I’m saying this as someone who has been trained by the FBI to handle human trafficking, and I have plenty of experience and education with mentally unstable people who are making poor decisions. This is totally my field. (That training is by far the coolest thing on my resume, btw. I feel badass saying that I have FBI skills).

        If she is an adult who’s a little unstable and is making poor decisions then she needs her social support unit as in tact as possible. Even if he knows her parents well, he has no way of knowing how they will react. It is far more valuable for her to be empowered to make her own decisions. Someone running over her and making decisions on her behalf is only going to take control from her, which isn’t what she needs if she’s down and out. If he’s actually concerned about her, he should have approached her with kindness and empathy and tried to encourage her and empower her. Taking away even more of her power is NOT the answer.

        If she is a minor, or if she’s been in this line of work since she’s been a minor, then her parents might know. Her parents could very well be a part of it. And either way, if she’s a minor and people are hiring her for sex, this is considered human trafficking. Federal law states that it’s impossible for a minor to be a prostitute. If they are bought for sex then the person hiring them is engaging in sex trafficking of a minor, and the person can only be a victim. And if we’re talking about human trafficking, then it is INCREDIBLY dangerous to let this information out to other people besides the proper law enforcement. (Note: proper law enforcement does not include the police, since most police departments are not up to date in how to best handle this scenarios. You must contact your state’s Bureau of Investigation to report this. The FBI is also appropriate to contact if you don’t know the state, since human trafficking is in practice always handled federally).

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 2:43 pm

        She’s also battling depressed and “fragile…”

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 2:45 pm

        Depression! Ugh, okay, I’m outta here for the day. I can’t multitask to save my life… For me, work and DW so don’t mix… 😉

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      • theattack

        theattack October 24, 2012, 2:48 pm

        Right. Which makes it even more important that she’s empowered and that he doesn’t take her control of her life away. He doesn’t mention that he thinks she’s suicidal. Just that she’s having a difficult time. Trust me. This is one of the most basic principles of counseling and helping professions. If she’s depressed and fragile, she seriously needs a self-esteem boost. There’s no way that’s going to come from someone sweeping in and making decisions for her. That’s going to come from people treating her like an adult who’s capable of making her own decisions. It’s going to come from learning that she’s valuable and smart, not from being treated like a child.

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      • avatar

        Sunshine Brite October 25, 2012, 8:35 am

        Agreed, he thinks she needs therapy not hospitalization so a welfare check by the police wouldn’t help at this stage. Neither would jumping in blind and telling who knows who what she does and tearing down the life she’s built for herself. If she was suicidal I hope no one here would tell him to walk away rather than call a crisis team or the police about her condition, but it doesn’t sound like she’s there now.

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    • AKchic_

      AKchic_ October 24, 2012, 1:12 pm

      Dude has a right to be mad. I just don’t think he’s fully processed his anger yet, or knows WHY he really wants to contact her family. I think he’d rather contact her family in revenge and mask it as “concern” and “out” her as a “hooker”. (yes, I am assuming he’s going to go for the low, sensationalist labeling when talking to dear ol dad and mom) He’s looking for validation to contact the parents, but he wants a plausible reason to do so. Oh, her fragile mental health status (as he sees it)! That has to be the way to go!

      As I said, he should probably cut his loses, move on, and let her handle her own demons (if she actually has any).

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:17 pm

        Or… he could be genuinely concerned. Prostitutes come to very bad ends all the time. Oh, and maybe he WAS concerned about her mental health prior to learning all this and the prostitution thing was in fact the tipping point that made him realize that her life was, indeed, spinning out of control…

        Look, if I found out that a guy I was dating for two months was secretly whoring himself on the side, I’d be more than just concerned about him. In my twenties, when I was much more out and about and on the scene… I had three acquaintances whose lives took detours into the world of gay prostitution. So, where are they now — some twenty years later? DEAD. Or at the very least presumed dead — sadly one just totally vanished. Poof! Gone… Another killed himself. And the third one eventually died of AIDS, sadly… So yeah, I have to say that the risks of that profession are VERY real… Moreover — if my daughter or son was prostituting themselves, I’d want to know about it. Irregardless of the motives of the messenger…

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ October 24, 2012, 1:32 pm

        To be so invested in someone after 2 months of dating/being in a relationship and then breaking up with them (regardless of the issue) to warrant this kind of second thought though? That’s my line of thinking. He must not have known her well (if at all) prior to dating her. Most people in “the business” choose either people in the business who can handle their jealousy or hide their career choices from outsiders completely when dating (usually because they’ve been burned a few times before) by choosing people to date outside of their social circle.

        After two months of dating, have you ever broken up with someone and felt so worried about them that you’ve wanted to call their parents to keep an eye on them? For truly noble reasons?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:44 pm

        No. But nobody I’ve ever broken up with has ever seemed THIS fucked up. Seriously. I’ve never had anybody go all crazy on me post break up… I’ve also never learned that my mysteriously depressed boyfriend was secretly a prostitute either.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:55 pm

        And truthfully, I do sincerely regret NOT doing more about those three from my past. At the time, I was like — yeah, whatever. It’s there life…

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:58 pm

        THEIR!!! Ugh… I hate that we can’t edit posts more readily.

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  • avatar

    Emma October 24, 2012, 12:35 pm

    No. You don’t have the right to do that, especially if you’ve only been dating for two months. You could easily end up making the situation worse, and cut off any sort of support system she still has. You don’t know the circumstances of why she chose this occupation. It could be something she actually enjoys (and you could be projecting your own views on her personality), or it could be something she does just to get money. You don’t know.

    If you’re really concerned about her, you could try to contact her one last time (email or text would be better than a phone call), tell her that you still care about her, and that if she ever needs anyone to talk to, you’re always there. And then leave it alone. She’s a grown woman (I assume), and she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to be in contact with you anymore.

    Also: dreams about hair and teeth falling out are common and don’t exactly point to a body-image issue or anything particularly sinister. I have my teeth fall out in my dreams all the time. (Funnily, I’m usually excited about the idea of a gold tooth, haha.)

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    • avatar

      Emma October 24, 2012, 7:09 pm

      Also: you have every right to be upset about this. She wasn’t honest, and you were (I assume) under the impression that you were sexually exclusive.

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  • theattack

    theattack October 24, 2012, 1:42 pm

    It irritates me to no end when people try to treat other adults like children. Running to tell her mommy and daddy on her? Seriously? If you actually cared about her well being then you would have tried to talk to her about it, not her parents. And if you’re just grasping at straws to help her at this point, you should realize that telling her parents is probably not going to help. Why would it? She’s an adult. What kind of sway do mommy and daddy have now? None. It’s just going to be two more people in the world to judge her. I already said it above, but mind your own fucking business and stop feeling like you have some right to act as her protector, because she’s a grown ass woman capable of making her own decisions. I’m with everyone else who thinks you want revenge. Either that or you feel sorry for her like she’s a child incapable of taking care of herself.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 1:47 pm

      That’s a big assumption on your part with regards to her age though… For all we know, they could BOTH be in high school. Seriously. Although if I were to hazard a guess, I’d say she is in the second or third year of college.

      Look, there’s not exactly a HUGE demand out there for prostitutes north of age thirty… There just isn’t.

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      • theattack

        theattack October 24, 2012, 1:54 pm

        If she’s a minor then that’s totally different. I just assume that the LW would have mentioned that since it’s totally different. In that case though, I still don’t advocate for telling the parents. If this girl is a minor, then I have some phone numbers for the LW to call regarding Human Trafficking. If she’s a minor then the parents might be playing some part in this, and it would be dangerous to notify them without knowing for sure. The FBI is who gets to decide that.

        If she’s 18 or older then I stand by what I said. He’s not her protector, and frankly I think it’s condescending for him to step in and try to intervene for her. Telling someone’s parents something like this is a HUGE deal, and it could ruin this woman’s life. If she wanted them to know she would have told them.

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ October 24, 2012, 2:09 pm

        It depends on what they specialize in. If we’re talking fetishes and kinks, then yes, it can and does take time to train and it is a highly specialized skill set. No kid walking the streets is going to have that talent. No junkie being pimped out will have that skill set. And they are not cheap. You want a quicky blow job in a back alley, well, fine, shell out $15 to any corner walker. You want someone to help customize your fantasy – that takes skills and money. It also takes experience. And that comes with a bit of age. Sophistication. And once you hit “north of 30”, depending on your specialty and your location – you teach your skill set to those who want to learn and make money in the business.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ October 24, 2012, 12:51 pm

    I am going to admit something that I have yet to admit here. Partially because I am really getting tired of secrets. Mostly because it applies here. I will not answer questions if it does not relate to this LW’s issue, nor will I go into detail.

    As a teenager, I was bought/sold for sex on numerous occasions. I was considered highly valued for my skills. Call me an escort, a prostitute, a whore, a hooker, a lady of the night, a sex worker, or, as one of the guys who ran the place called us – “gentleman’s companions”. It makes no difference. Sex can very well be a commodity.

    You say that your (ex) girlfriend had issues with depression, negative attitude towards men and nightmares. How do you know that these didn’t precede her profession?
    You didn’t specify what you did when you found out about her career choice other than “cut off communication”. Yes, she deceived you, and yes, you have a right to be angry. I am not trying to minimize that at all. Far from it. She was deceitful and manipulative to hide it. However… why didn’t you attempt to get to the root of WHY she hid her professional choice from you? Could it be because she was trying to avoid your very reaction? That everyone else has already shut her out like you have, thus bringing on her depression and negative attitude? Or, were those things already there prior to her professional choices? Why did she choose such a career? For the temporary money so she can go to school? She likes the money? A family career (yes, there are those types)?

    At two months in, the fact that you didn’t know your girlfriend’s profession suggests that you probably have no connections with her family. Unless she’s being controlled by a pimp or has a drug problem, you’ve cut ties with her and it’s time to move on. If you can’t handle being with a woman who pleasures men for a living, then you do need to walk away (and hey, I don’t blame you, I really don’t).

    Ultimately, this isn’t your battle. Her inner demons or her potential outer ones. They are hers to battle. At 2 months into a relationship, you don’t owe her anything. Seriously.

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    • avatar

      Robin October 24, 2012, 4:56 pm

      Actually – not to nitpick or anything – the girlfriend was the one to cut off communication, not the boyfriend. I think. The sentence is worded in such a way that it is kind of vague as to WHO cut off all communication. But I’m pretty sure it was her!

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle October 24, 2012, 2:29 pm

    I never like that whole “if the genders were reversed!” thing, BGM, but I have to say that I’m kind of with you on this. Partially. And shout-out to KKZ, who has been countering a couple of points throughout the thread as well.

    I mean– it could very well be that this guy is humiliated & wants to get back at the girl under the guise of concern. But I do think people are being wildly speculative about this. The letter was written very sparsely, so for me, I need more clues that he’s being a “knight” or a vengeful asshole. I know for some people the lacking details ARE the clues, but I’m giving this LW the benefit of the doubt.

    If my friend was prostituting herself, I’d be concerned. Yes–we can all do what we want with our own body & I believe people have the right to sell themselves for sex. I also believe there are ways to do this safely. But if this woman’s mental status is being characterized as “fragile” AND she is being a prostitute while dealing with say, intense feelings of worthlessness? then… I think real, actual concern is well-placed.

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    • theattack

      theattack October 24, 2012, 2:31 pm

      Maybe he is actually concerned. If he is, telling her parents is still not a helpful course of action.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle October 24, 2012, 2:33 pm

        Sorry, theattack, posted at the same time you did! I was anticipating a reply like that, haha

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      • theattack

        theattack October 24, 2012, 2:36 pm

        Haha, it’s cool! I just don’t want this guy to read the comments and get pissed because we all think he’s being disingenuous and then tell her parents trying to prove that he wanted to be helpful. I’m 100% convinced he can only do more harm by telling her parents regardless of his intentions.

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    • Fabelle

      Fabelle October 24, 2012, 2:32 pm

      I mean, is telling her family the best course of action? It depends on the circumstances, I think, but prrrobably not. And I don’t think a guy she dated for 2 months (who she now wants no contact with) is the best person to “help.” But why is it so hard to believe that he’s genuinely worried?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 6:57 pm

        Honestly? I am baffled that any would question his motives… He’s writing in here seeking permission for revenge? Really? Some angry pissed off dude is going to come to a female dominated website with the vague hopes that everybody will tell him to go ahead and blow up his exes life? Oh, and he tells the tale with so few details that his motives remain ambiguous? That’s gotta be the silliest conspiracy theory yet… If he wanted revenge, his own letter would have been far more damaging in the details, me thinks.

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  • rainbow

    rainbow October 24, 2012, 3:48 pm

    As long as everyone’s a consenting adult you don’t get to tell people what parts of their body they can use to make money. Mind your own business.

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    • avatar

      a October 25, 2012, 7:44 am

      is that true even if your putting yourself at risk? or doing harm to yourself?

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  • avatar

    oldie October 24, 2012, 4:34 pm

    For those saying he’s just trying to help and not acting out of anger or bitterness, please re-read what he actually wrote. Never once does he say that he is worried about her or cares what happened to her. The closest he comes is hoping someone can give her options to get out of this situation (being a call girl) that she got herself into. Not real caring language there. I’m going to guess she is a college student with a sugar daddy to help her pay the bills.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark October 24, 2012, 6:05 pm

      “My question is, should I let her family know her condition in the hope that they can offer her some options and help her get out of the situation she has put herself in? I don’t think anyone close to her knows what she’s doing. — Concerned Boyfriend of a Call Girl”

      Yeah, he sounds real spiteful and pissed off… If he didn’t care about what happens to her, why would he hope that her family can present her with better solutions…

      Final note: She doesn’t exactly sound like one Happy Hooker either. She sounds deeply troubled by his description. Look, if she was proud of her newfound career and/or content with it — why the fuck lie to her boyfriend? For that matter why is she so depressed…?

      Moreover, if anybody has good reason to be angry — it’s him. God knows she potentially exposed him to a vast array of STDs. (Personally? I’d be beyond IRATE…) Instead, he sounds
      calm and levelheaded here. And so, Oldie… your accusations of his character and his motives seem beyond off base to me in this instance.

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  • avatar

    The Ex-Boyfriend October 25, 2012, 11:18 am

    I’m the ex-boyfriend and I thank everyone for their comments.

    In deciding what to do, I considered two things:
    1) My motivation
    Those who questioned my motivation were right to do so. There was a lot of hurt and I recognized that I may have been seeking revenge. I didn’t want to act out of that. So, I put it aside for a few days to see how I felt about it. As my own hurt subsided, I realized I still felt concern for the girl. I left out a lot of things in my question, one of which was her telling me how isolated she felt. I also left out too that she had previously worked as an exotic dancer. I learned a lot from her tales about that. She perceived it to be an abusive and destructive situation which she said she wouldn’t go back to. The only people she knew were from the clubs and they didn’t support her efforts to get away.

    Her having worked as a dancer made me wary, prostitution and drug use thrive in that environment. However, she is very sweet and intelligent and seemed sincere in leaving that behind- so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    2) Would it do any good?
    This I couldn’t know. I don’t think the comment that supportive families don’t produce call girls is entirely correct. I thought it possible that her family might be able to help. What I did know was that her life was a web of lies and deceit, and that no one who cared about her had any insight into her current situation.

    So, I emailed her mother. We had a series of long exchanges. She was appreciative of the information I provided, and said they had suspicions but didn’t know.

    Did it do any good? I still don’t know. The mother’s main response was that they are praying for her. I think a more active response could produce results, but that is not my place to say. I think at the very least they now have the opportunity to communicate.

    One of the most destructive things about working in the sex industry are the double and triple lives the women lead. It’s hard to keep all of the lies straight and creates confusion over their identity. A major barrier to seeking help is getting past the shame and fabrications- especially to those you don’t want to disappoint.

    Another point I want to address is the idea that prostitution is a valid lifestyle choice. I have known a few prostitutes and they’re all there because they fell like they have no other choices. I think there is rarely a case when they are correct. A bit more material comfort is not worth the shame and degradation that inevitably goes with the activity. We’re not going to be able to eradicate the practice and my libertarian soul questions if we should even try. However, would anyone want someone they cared about living that kind of life? I don’t think so.

    The best thinking I’ve seen on the topic is on Quora:

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  • avatar

    SallyS November 21, 2012, 8:37 pm

    Why does it sound like some people are trying to suggest that he should be OK with the fact that his girlfriend is a prostitute? He seems shocked and concerned, and trying to reconcile this idea of her career with the image he had of her before. I would feel exactly the same as he seems to.

    It’s OK for him to be disappointed in her, if he is disappointed, and it’s also OK for him to think that she needs to be made to understand that she has other career options, if he does think that.

    If I were dating someone and I discovered an issue like this, I would definitely contact his family or at least his most sensible friend and share my concerns, or at least confess that my boyfriend had seemed troubled but withdrawn lately and that I didn’t understand why. It’s fine for this woman to choose prostitution as a career, as long as it’s truly a choice and she does it safely, but if there’s any chance that she has this lifestyle because of any mental health or substance abuse issues, she absolutely needs an intervention. It’s easy to get stuck in something and come to see it as your only option, and I feel like this is what he’s afraid of with his girlfriend.

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