Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “My Hot Wife Refuses to Dress Sexy”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I’m 40 years old and I’ve been married 11 years now. Throughout that time, my wife has ALWAYS resisted dressing up in something sexy for the bedroom.

We’ve talked about it, and she typically refuses. If I beg enough, she will do it on very, very rare occasions. But she often sabotages the mood by adding one thing that is totally ridiculous to the outfit. This drives me completely nuts because my wife is just drop-dead gorgeous. Of course, if you ask her, she doesn’t think she is. But I can’t believe my luck that I married such a hottie, only to have things go this way — it’s like someone owning a Ferrari and having no gas.

I DON’T expect her to be a sex bomb everyday, or even every week, but once every month or two would be nice. She claims that REAL women never dress up in something sexy to surprise their husbands when they come home from work. Examples like: cooking naked in the kitchen; only wearing an apron to make things interesting for dinner; her not wearing underwear when we go out for dinner at a restaurant; or even her wearing something hot and meeting her husband at the door after work are actually things that you only see in the movies or on prime-time. She says that no one actually does these kinds of things in real life. Heck, I’d settle for her just to do some of these things for me even just ONCE.

One late afternoon when I was a teenager, I even remember coming home unexpectedly early one time and surprising my very embarrassed mother. Mom was wearing some lingerie and was waiting inside the front door, in anticipation of my father coming home from work (obviously, I very quickly left, and both of us were very embarrassed about the entire incident). My point being is that married people occasionally do these things to spice up their love life. Ideas such as these are in almost every women’s magazine, and they are talked about in books that are written to help wake up a couple’s love life. But to her, no one really does these kinds of things.

Am I just being unrealistic when I ask her to do these types of things occasionally? — Husband of a Hottie

***************

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310 comments… add one
  • avatar

    kerrycontrary January 7, 2013, 3:06 pm

    No, I don’t think you are unrealistic for asking her to do these things. As far as I know, must couples try to keep things lively by spicing things up every once in a while. Whether its role play, doing things in a public setting/place where you could get caught, or wearing lingerie it sounds pretty normal to me. Things can get a LOT weirder than that. If I were a therapist I would suggest that you dig deeper into your unconscious to see if your desire for your wife to do this is somehow based in that experience with your mother, but I’m not. I don’t think what you are asking your wife to do is unreasonable, but it sounds like you have mismatched expectations for sex. I don’t really know how that gets handled though…

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:12 pm

    Leave. Seriously, if somebody can’t make the effort to make themselves sexy for you even just once a fucking month — just leave. Why? Because they SERIOUSLY don’t value you at all. And I’d say this to anybody — gay or straight, male or female — who was in a similar situation. Just LEAVE already. Hey, you’ve tried everything else. Maybe this will at least make her know you are serious.

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    • landygirl

      landygirl January 7, 2013, 3:16 pm

      He’s a serious whiner and that’s about it.

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    • avatar

      Riefer January 7, 2013, 4:47 pm

      Wow. It sounds like she’s uncomfortable with herself and doesn’t believe she’s sexy. So he should leave her? I guess maybe if it’s a dealbreaker for him, then he should. Otherwise, he may have to just put up with it, the same way some people put up with their spouses not really being into their fetishes, but stay with them because they love them and want to be with them, even if they can’t explore their fetishes with them.

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  • avatar

    sarolabelle January 7, 2013, 3:12 pm

    Congrats! If this is your biggest issue in your marriage consider yourself lucky.

    Most men that I know and I don’t know that many, say that lingerie you mentioned is nice but unnecessary. It just gets in the way they way.

    I don’t know one woman in real life that doesn’t wear underwear to dinner.

    Cooking naked is just disturbing…who wants to cook with no clothes on? Wearing just an apron would be equally as uncomfortable.

    You have a gorgeous wife that looks great in everything. Why don’t you just pretend that what she has on when you come home is sexy? Because most likely it is!

    I think you are being petty. I don’t understand how you can want her to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable. Is your horniness more important than her comfort?

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    • SixtyFour

      SixtyFour January 7, 2013, 3:32 pm

      I don’t think he’s being petty at all. The things he is asking for are pretty minor and harmless, and it wouldn’t kill his wife to indulge him every now and then. The fact that it makes her uncomfortable is the troubling part. It seems like it makes her uncomfortable because she’s uncomfortable with her body and sexuality in general, and that’s just sad.

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      • avatar

        MissDre January 7, 2013, 3:40 pm

        Completely agree with you. I don’t think he’s being petty either. Perhaps he just needs to be more sensitive in his approach.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 7, 2013, 4:05 pm

        AGREED!

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    • Bon Vivant

      Bon Vivant January 7, 2013, 3:44 pm

      Agreed – not he’s being petty at all. And I don’t know one man who would say that lingerie is “unnecessary,” and to suggest that he “pretend” she’s wearing something sexy is ridiculous. Men are visual creatures. I am at a loss as to what is so uncomfortable about wearing something attractive for her man.

      From someone who wears lingerie on an almost daily basis and has gone without underwear to dinner.

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      • avatar

        Anna January 8, 2013, 2:38 pm

        Agreed. I’ve been known to skip the panties on a date before and to cook dinner in my lingerie. It’s fun for me!

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    • avatar

      AliceInDairyland January 7, 2013, 3:46 pm

      I sometimes don’t wear underwear to dinner. And sometimes all I wear is underwear to dinner.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:49 pm

        Finally. Voices of sanity!! Yay to SixtyFour, MissDre, Bon Vivant and AliceInDairyland…

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 7, 2013, 4:09 pm

        When I moved away, I would fly every once in a while to visit the guy I was seeing. I would wear a dress, then after I landed and before he picked me up, I would take off my underwear in the bathroom. He loved knowing I would do that just for him. And we had a pretty amazing sex life. TMI? Maybe, but hey, people do it. I haven’t read all the comments so far, but from what I’ve read, I want to say to the women. Really?

        My aunt and I got drunk one time while I was staying with her. She confessed that she use to pick her husband up from the airport – he has since passed away – in a trench coat only. I was equally grossed out and impressed.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 4:10 pm

        I’ve never been in the no undies fan club, but I would buy and wear a new set of sexy/lacy undies almost every time I flew to see my fiance when we were long distance for 3 years. He greatly appreciated the effort.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 7, 2013, 4:22 pm

        I never was either. Honestly. And with my first boyfriend, it took some coaxing to not be vanilla. But it was something about sex with this one particular guy. He could get me to do a lot of things that I normally wouldn’t. And we had a lot of fun. And I’m glad for the experiences.

        Have I done it since him? No. But I haven’t met anyone I would do it for, yet.

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      • Miss MJ

        MISS MJ January 7, 2013, 4:28 pm

        Not a fan of the no undies club, either. Big fan of the sexy undies (and other things) club, though.

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    • avatar

      lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:28 pm

      I agreed with your first 4 paragraphs.
      People must make an effort for the SOs. Maybe not super frequently, but you really have to. I like to dress up for myself but also for my SO from time to time. Granted, I have to dress nicely for work every day, but I’m sure I’ve gone a whole weekend in sweats and it does result in me feeling less “pretty” or whatever. I know my SO loves me and tells me I look cute when I look like a slob, but I know its still nice to look good for him sometimes.

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    • katie

      katie January 7, 2013, 9:43 pm

      ive actually had sex where the guy refused to take the lingerie OFF. so, no, it doesnt always just get in the way. sometimes its part of the whole experience.

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      • avatar

        ktfran January 8, 2013, 8:11 am

        Ha. Actually with the boy mentioned above, I bought lingerie when we were going on a weekend trip. Didn’t take it off either and to this day, he said it was his favorite time with me.

        I don’t understand the comment that real women don’t ever dress up, or role play, or whatever. Umm, I’m pretty sure some of us do.

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    • avatar

      karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:11 pm

      Dear Wine,

      Please file this under TMI, but I have gone without panties in public for a guy before so there are definitely women that do this. Many of them happen to be happily kinky and submissive, but it is certainly not unheard of for a woman to go commando. That being said, I recognize that it’s not something everyone would be comfortable with and that’s fine, too. I don’t think anyone should do anything they’re not comfortable with, especially out in public, but I do think we can all to try to push our borders and limits in the privacy of our own bedrooms and with our loved one. So I don’t think asking wifey to wear lingerie to bed, which it seems she has done before, without something “ridiculous” is too much to ask. The fact that she’ll wear what he wants, but then ruin the fantasy by adding something silly on is being spiteful. If you’re not comfortable wearing lingerie, don’t wear it, but don’t tease someone by pretending like you’ll act out their fantasy and then do something to completely destroy that effect.

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    • avatar

      Nicki9doors November 5, 2017, 8:50 am

      Sarolabella w.e above you are way off the mark, is her ‘comfort’ more important than a lifetime of sexual inadequacy and misery. Example, partner likes a certain genre of music, a certain type of food/restuarant, a sport like hiking or musicals/plays so you go with them and genuinely try to enjoy these things with them because they love it and you love them and will do anything to make them happy. Throw on some thigh highs and heels a few times a month during sex, for a half hour, is too much to make her man happy. I agree others above little to no respect, that kind of love is lacklustre at best, you’re living a half life, like chewing your food and spitting out. Enjoy watching porn for the next 30 years. You serve your partner you don’t serve yourself.

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  • avatar

    artsygirl January 7, 2013, 3:12 pm

    LW – I can understand why you would like to see your wife wear something sexy but you are aware that it makes her uncomfortable (for whatever reason) and completely invalidating her feelings. If she is focused on what she is wearing then she is NOT going to enjoy sex. If it is something that you need to happen maybe there is a compromise – instead of a corset and garters maybe a silky nightgown would be in order. At the heart of this though I think it sounds like you want her to initiate sex either by surprising you naked or wearing something that clearly broadcasts her interest. If this is the case, you two need to work on communication. No matter what, I think you need to realize that after 11 years, your wife is never going to be comfortable in lingerie and constantly insisting that she try will only make her resent it more.

    Also, I am going to say that she is right about the naked cooking thing. I have been with my husband for 11 years as well and I have never once worn only an apron to cook (I am sure the neighbors appreciate it), nor have I waited at home in sexy wear for him to show up. It is something that is used in movies and normally involves embarrassment anyway.

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    • avatar

      kerrycontrary January 7, 2013, 3:27 pm

      The cooking naked thing…whenever I imagine someone cooking naked I just imagine bacon and hot grease hahah. I guess my mindset is that in a relationship you compromise, even when it comes to sex. So even when your partner wants to try something weird (and lingerie is not weird…its underwear) its kind of like “OK! why not!” unless it’s a big deal (like bringing a 3rd person into the bedroom).

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 3:38 pm

        I am a germ-a-phob so yeah cooking naked is a big no go.

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      • avatar

        Ani Nani January 7, 2013, 4:45 pm

        I cook in an apron and panties every once in a while. I have never been burned with grease. But this weekend, cooking in a tank top, I was burned a bit pan frying chicken. I guess when I know more is exposed, I am more careful. No bacon when you are naked cooking.

        I don’t think it is embarassing. More like a way to make an everyday chore a little fun. What’s wrong with being a bit cheeky?

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      • avatar

        karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:17 pm

        forget cooking naked, try baking naked! you two can even have some fun with the cake/brownie batter and your naked body! but stay away from the va-jay-jay – no yeast infections please!

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  • avatar

    Michelle.Lea January 7, 2013, 3:14 pm

    I don’t think you’re being unrealistic, but in my experience talking to other women, they don’t feel comfortable doing this. Some feel like a ‘slut’ if they dress up, and can’t seem to get passed that feeling. I do agree with the above that it’s not unreasonable, but sometimes people are not into the same things, even as a couple. If this is becoming a real issue for you, you need to set up couples counseling.

    As well, if you push her too much, she’s not going to be in the mood at all anymore, because she’ll expect you to push her and pressure her to do something she just doesn’t want to. That’s a HUGE turn off. Then she’ll stop wanting to have sex at all. Then you’ll start pushing more, and so it goes… Dial it back a notch and decide if this is something you *need*, or if you can be happy without it. Honestly you’ve been married for 11 years, this is a surprise because …?

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    • avatar

      haggith January 7, 2013, 3:49 pm

      yup!!!

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  • landygirl

    landygirl January 7, 2013, 3:15 pm

    It sounds like the problem is mostly yours LW. Having a hot wife isn’t enough for you? Maybe you should cook naked and make sure it’s something deep fried. First world problems.

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    • the_optimist

      the_optimist January 7, 2013, 4:25 pm

      This is unfair. First of all, I don’t think the guy came here believing his was the worst problem in the world. And I don’t think it’s wrong to ask the person you love to make a little extra effort, add a little “surprise” to the relationship once in a while.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 4:34 pm

        Seriously, and you could apply that same arguement… first world problems to damn near every letter that is posted on DW.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 5:21 pm

        When someone constantly pesters you to do something you’re less inclined to do it. Seriously, he can’t just accept her as is? You don’t know what kind of effort she makes, you only know that she isn’t interested in playing dress up so this guy can get his rocks off.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:32 pm

        Well, we kinda do know what effort she is making in regard to this issue…none.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 5:40 pm

        Well, she has gotten dressed up, just not to his liking.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:46 pm

        Only by making it a joke, which really is making fun of her husband. Imagine how you would feel if you were into something and your husband just laughed at you for it.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 6:00 pm

        Imagine if you had a husband who pestered you to get dressed up like a porn star even though you didn’t want to.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed January 7, 2013, 6:04 pm

        Who said anything about looking like a porn star? Just because he wants his wife to put something a little extra sexy on once in a while, doesn’t mean he’s asking for a porn star

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      • avatar

        Kate January 7, 2013, 7:05 pm

        A porn star? Really? Because of some vanilla lingerie? I don’t like the shaming tone these comments are starting to take.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 8:40 pm

        Right, it’s okay to shame the wife but let the poor overbearing, lingerie deprived husband off the hook. Maybe he should wear it for her.

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      • avatar

        temperance January 7, 2013, 6:14 pm

        It’s not making fun of him. I can’t even imagine how you would think that. It’s more likely that she’s nervous about wearing those things, and he sounds like a big whiny baby about it.

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      • avatar

        karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:26 pm

        she is absolutely mocking him. The fact that she’ll get so close and then do something to ruin the sexy effect intentionally and on multiple occasions (if i understand LW correctly) is hurtful. it’s similar to handing a child candy or a toy and then grabbing it back at the last second and pretending like it’s ok because you have a clown nose on.

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      • katie

        katie January 7, 2013, 10:33 pm

        why dont you try to express something personal to your *partner of 11 (+?) years* who you are supposed to trust with such personal thoughts and have your partner do it while INTENTIONALLY doing something that ruins the experience for you.

        seriously. take the sex out of it- what if you really always wanted to have a large wedding with a very serious ceremony, and then your partner went along with the ceremony as you wanted it, but then just changed all of his parts to jokes when you were finally there, saying your vows?

        not very funny, then, huh?

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 8, 2013, 2:04 am

        Jesus, she won’t dress up for him in private, she isn’t humiliating him in front of a crowd. She doesn’t want to do it and his desire for her to partake in this act doesn’t supersede her desire not to.

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      • katie

        katie January 8, 2013, 10:12 am

        fine- then take the “in front of a crowd” out of it- you have always wanted a very serious ceremony, and you do it just the two of you and the preacher, and he takes your serious ceremony, which is very important to you and will bring you happiness, and changes his serious vows to jokes.

        the private/crowd thing doesnt matter. this guy is letting his wife know something that matters to him, and when she does it, she, apparently intentionally, ruins it for him, pretty much making fun of the thing that matters to him. THATS NOT COOL. it doesnt matter the genders, it doesnt matter that this is specifically related to sex- that is just shitty behavior, man or woman.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed January 8, 2013, 10:20 am

        No, but it doesn’t mean she has the right to mock something that is important to him. She completely dismissing his feelings by PURPOSELY ruining it for him and that’s not okay.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 8, 2013, 10:25 am

        @Katie…the wife is also letting this guy know something as well…she isn’t interested in playing dress up. The only problem is this guy’s unwillingness to let this go. Somehow you think it’s okay for him to harass her and it isn’t.

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 8, 2013, 10:30 am

        I think quite a few people have properly addressed that he may be going about asking her in the wrong way, and may be pestering her (though I doubt he’s harassing her about it).

        We don’t know *why* she won’t do this for him. Doesn’t it make sense that if she has a valid reason she should just talk to him about it rather than make him feel bad for asking?

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      • katie

        katie January 8, 2013, 10:50 am

        if she is so absolutely opposed to dressing up, then she SHOULDNT.

        what she should not do is sort of dress up and then just make fun of his desires.

        those are two very separate behaviors. one is completely acceptable, one is very detrimental to a relationship.

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    • Lady_Red

      Red_Lady January 8, 2013, 12:57 am

      He may have a hot wife, but it sounds like she lacks self-confidence. And being so self-conscious definitely detracts from the sexiness. It sounds like he just wants her to be more confident in herself. If just wearing lingerie sounds embarrassing to her, she has a long way to go in order to embrace her sexuality

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  • avatar

    lemongrass January 7, 2013, 3:18 pm

    Why don’t you try doing what she wants to spice up your sex life? Do you know what that is? Have you asked? Trying to force her into fulfilling your fantasies is just going to backfire. I certainly wouldn’t feel sexy or turned on by my husband begging me to do something. But if you get her all fired up with whatever she’s into then she will be more likely to indulge you. Baby steps though- don’t expect her to get all done up out of the blue for you when it’s clearly not her style- ask her to put some lingerie on when you are already getting things started that way it won’t feel to forced for her.

    “I can’t believe my luck that I married such a hottie, only to have things go this way — it’s like someone owning a Ferrari and having no gas.” This bothers me though and I’m guessing it bothers your wife. She needs to know that you find HER sexy not just the lingerie or the idea of her in sexy outfits. Spend time letting her know how attractive you find her- in her regular clothes or just plain nekkid. She should know that you find her not only good enough, but fantastic all by herself.

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    • avatar

      csp January 8, 2013, 1:57 pm

      I think it is definately give and take. Why not start slow. Say something like, “why not go out to dinner and I’ll wear that shirt/outfit you like and you can wear that XYZ and it will be romantic.” Pick something in her wardrobe currently.

      Another thing that helps me when I am insecure. If I say something like “I feel fat.” my husband will say, “Hey, stop badmouthing my wife.” It is cute and gets the point across.

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      • paperheart

        paperheart January 8, 2013, 6:28 pm

        csp, my boyfriend does that to me, too. Anytime I say something negative about myself he’ll be like “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like that!” It makes me feel good without it feeling over-the-top. We usually end up talking to each other in third person and laughing, and I forget what I was upset about in the first place.

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:18 pm

    Damn, it’s abundantly clear from even this tiny handful of comments that most of you REALLY don’t understand men at all…

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    • theattack

      theattack January 7, 2013, 3:25 pm

      And your comments typically show a misunderstanding of women. Men and women not understanding each other. What a surprise!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:33 pm

        My point is — that this is ACTUALLY a pretty big deal. But almost nobody on here is even taking this poor man remotely seriously — but are instead making him out to be a real jerk with no REAL problems.

        So the wife doesn’t like wearing sexy underwear? So what? Being in a marriage and or relationship means doing a million things that you don’t like doing. Be it a visit to the inlaws, entertaining your spouses annoying friends, or seeing a movie that bores you as it’s their turn to pick…

        I dunno. Maybe I am just too OVER needy insecure hot people… NEWSFLASH: nobody is buying your I look terrible crap. It’s like Oprah prattling on about how money isn’t important to her. Really, Bitch? Prove it. Give it all the fuck away already then…

        The wife here sound self absorbed and anything but good, giving and game.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 3:36 pm

        I do agree with you that marriage means meeting your partner half way, but it also means understanding and trying to work with them. The LW”s wife clearly has some hang ups here, and it’s not like you can just snap out of that sort of thing, however unfounded it might be. They need to get to the bottom of it together, and she might need some help from him to make it happen. It does need to happen though, and if she’s completely unwilling to work on it, that’s on her. I just can’t help but wonder if the husband isn’t nagging her about doing things she’s not interested in without asking her for input or being sensitive at all.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:39 pm

        Eh, I am also so sick of people using their “hang ups” as a blanket excuse to continue being obnoxiously self absorbed. It’s been ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS ALREADY… Put on some fucking lingerie and grow the fuck up. The only reason people hang onto their hang ups is that NOBODY in society ever demands that they let go of them…

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      • niki

        niki January 7, 2013, 3:52 pm

        I hear ya. Is she seriously afraid that after 11 years he’s going to see her in lingerie and decide that she’s too fat, ugly, etc to be with? As a plus-sized lady I know that clothes don’t hide the fact that I’m overweight. It’s not like I look like a super-model, but the minute I put on lingerie i’m Big Bertha. This guy says his wife is smoking hot. She may have her hang-ups but she needs to find a way to get over it. And her excuse that only people in the movies do, therefore she shouldn’t have to is RIDICULOUS.

        I’m not saying he should be a jackass about it all, obviously he should be sensitive to her, but she needs to get over this with some serious professional help STAT.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 7, 2013, 4:12 pm

        I don’t think he is unreasonable in what he wants but he definitely needs to change his tactic if he wants to get it. Begging her into doing something she doesn’t want to is a pretty immature way to get what you want. Making into something fun for her as well would get him a lot farther. He didn’t state that he was willing to compromise to make it fun for her as well, in fact says she ruins it because she adds something ridiculous (seriously, what could be so ridiculous that it ruins it? Laugh during sex, it should be fun!) so she does something that she wants and now she’s gone and ruined his experience? Why can’t it be something fun for both of them?

        I’d be more inclined to say she should just suck it up and do it for him if he gave some examples of things that aren’t his cup of tea sexually that he does for her but he gave no indication that he even cares about her enjoyment.

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      • the_optimist

        the_optimist January 7, 2013, 4:38 pm

        Well, I think that’s why he’s writing in to DW. I could be wrong, but I think he gets that his tactics aren’t really working for him.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Maybe she is from a very conservative upbrining, has always been reluctant to wear lingerie (like before they got married), maybe she is depressed, maybe she is stressed with work/kids/life etc etc etc and is lucky to shave her legs once a month let alone put on some get up her husband wants (and for the record, it sounds like to me he is talking costumes when he says “dress up” not just a sexy nighty. And I think this because of “by adding one thing that is totally ridiculous to the outfit”. Doesn’t read a nighty from Victoria’s Secret if you ask me.) No where in this letter does he mention he has tried to live out her fantasies or eleviate some of her stress or wear sexy undies for her.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 3:46 pm

        I read the letter differently than you BGM. The LW mentions that his wife is reluctant and often refuses but does give into him on occasion. To me, the fact that despite her discomfort, she still does do as the LW requests is the definition of good, giving, and game.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:53 pm

        Um, no. She doesn’t even do it every other month. Heck, if even THAT would be a welcome change of pace, then she must maybe do it once a year…

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      • niki

        niki January 7, 2013, 4:20 pm

        Not to mention when she DOES do it, she gets all passive aggressive and puts on something silly to make a point. That’s just hostile and unnecessary.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 4:31 pm

        If I told my husband that I was uncomfortable doing something and he continued to pester me about it then I would probably be a lot more than passive aggressive about it. I agree that stepping out of comfort zones and spicing up the bedroom can be healthy, but if it is something your partner hates to do than you should respect that there are reasons/boundries. Also, we have no idea what he means by her wearing things that make it ridiculous. It could be she puts on a shawl or blanket as a defense mechanism.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 4:31 pm

        If I told my husband that I was uncomfortable doing something and he continued to pester me about it then I would probably be a lot more than passive aggressive about it. I agree that stepping out of comfort zones and spicing up the bedroom can be healthy, but if it is something your partner hates to do than you should respect that there are reasons/boundaries. Also, we have no idea what he means by her wearing things that make it ridiculous. It could be she puts on a shawl or blanket as a defense mechanism.

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      • avatar

        Christy January 7, 2013, 5:27 pm

        THANK YOU.

        Best response so far.

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      • avatar

        Michelle.Lea January 7, 2013, 4:03 pm

        Does anyone else realize we don’t have the whole story here? To me, he just sounds whiny. If she said no, it’s no. It’s up to him to either deal with it, or move on. Which honestly would be stupid over some lingerie.

        But we dont know their history. maybe he’s an ass. maybe she has issues that stem from younger years. and yes, even the ‘pretty’ people have self esteem issues. and it is hard on their partners.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 8:17 pm

        I mostly agree with your points, BGM – and maybe if the wife wrote in, I’d tell her all of that. But she didn’t. The husband is asking how he can persuade his wife to do this for him. I think most of the comments suggesting that the LW change his approach are trying to give HIM solutions, or to give HIM insight as to what might be going through his wife’s head. And that’s all we can do with the information provided. Honestly, I have more questions than answers. And I wish I could talk to the wife!

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 9:26 pm

        I would also point out that we are responding to the LW (husband). If the LW had been the wife complaining that her husband wanted her to wear lingerie, and baring an explanation of some horrifying traumatic event, I would suggest that she pull on her big girl panties and step out of her comfort zone. In this case, we are giving advice to the husband and telling him that his wife is an reasonable prude (even if it is true we are missing a lot of details) is not going to help him. I doubt printing off the responses to this letter and shoving them in her face will endear him to her either.

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      artsygirl January 7, 2013, 3:32 pm

      No, I understand that if one partner is uncomfortable with a specific act (especially in the bedroom), the other partner needs to respect those boundaries. If the wife does not like to dress up then there is probably a reason for it (low self esteem, body issues, discomfort, etc) and while I am sure it is disappointing to the LW, he needs to respect her feelings. I would feel the same way if they were talking about preforming a specific sex act, filming sex, etc even though the idea of dressing in lingerie is pretty vanilla.

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    • niki

      niki January 7, 2013, 3:44 pm

      I agree with BGM here. The LW isn’t asking his wife to do something that violates the law, or even most people’s sense of morality. They are married and the husband is asking for something relatively minor from his wife to make him feel appreciated. I mean seriously, if people only dressed up in the movies stores like Victoria’s Secret wouldn’t even exist. I agree that maybe the LW should try to do some things that will make his wife feel special. However, I think some serious marriage counseling is in order. I think the wife is being unfair to her husband by not even considering her husband’s feelings.

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 3:47 pm

        Being ‘relatively minor’ is subjective. For some reason this is something uncomfortable for the LW’s wife.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 3:56 pm

        And being married to a prude is uncomfortable for him… Why must her discomfort rule all? Especially when the source of her discomfort is so remarkably stupid…

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      • avatar

        artsygirl January 7, 2013, 4:27 pm

        It doesn’t have to rule all -if he is so in need of his wife to wear sexy lingerie that he is willing to walk away from the marriage then he should.

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      • avatar

        Girodet January 7, 2013, 4:20 pm

        I don’t see anywhere in the letter where the LW states the wife is uncomfortable. I think people are reading their own prejudices into the situation. I just read that she won’t do it because she doesn’t think other people do it. Or that she just won’t because she doesn’t personally see value in it? I don’t think what he is asking for is much at all. I think we women get our feminist hackles up at the mention of looking good for their significant other. I also think people are jumping to the conclusion that he is unwilling to indulge her sexual requests. I think you need to read the letter and address only what the LW is saying and asking.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 5:11 pm

        If we look at it only from the LW’s perspective, then how are we going to come up with any solutions other than what he’s already come up with himself? “Nobody does that” can be code for “Nobody has the energy left after working all day to do that,” or “I don’t want to be a superslut, and I have a hangup about sex being dirty for whatever reason.” We have to speculate things in order to help him see some possible explanations and think outside the box.

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      • avatar

        temperance January 7, 2013, 6:22 pm

        I read the letter, and his tone seemed very whiny and possessive (referring to her as a Ferarri with no gas because she doesn’t indulge his request, which we don’t even know what he even WANTS from her). It’s like I HAVE THIS TOY AND I CAN’T EVEN USE IT HOW I WANT TO.

        I thought it was mild until he started saying that he wanted her to go to dinner without panties, cook naked, and sit through dinner in an apron as examples. To me, those are extremely exhibitionist and I would feel uncomfortable doing any of them. I’m not a hardcore prude, either, and I certainly expect that couples should look good for each other (my “feminist hackles” aside).

        I actually read the wife’s responses as pretext because she’s uncomfortable but he won’t let it go.

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      • avatar

        j2 January 7, 2013, 6:51 pm

        I also agree with BGM on this. The amount of pushback here on this has surprised me.

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    • avatar

      ebstarr January 7, 2013, 4:57 pm

      Just want to point out that if this were the other way around — a woman got married to a man knowing he was not comfortable fulfilling her most cherished sexual fantasy — BGM would blame the wife for getting married when she knew he wasn’t going to do it.

      I personally am on the side of the LW, although you gotta wonder why he was willing to marry her if she wasn’t into his fantasies. She should understand that this means a lot to him and make an effort to do it just to make him happy. If she is so unhappy with her body that she simply doesn’t like to be looked at in lingerie, therapy is in order and he has to respect that – but if she just feels silly that’s a small price to pay for making the person you love happy.

      On the other hand, he can’t force her into anything. He has to figure out if he is willing to stay in a marriage where his sexual fulfillment is so unimportant to his wife that she refuses to clear what seems to me the VERY low bar of “dressing up in lingerie once in awhile.”

      On the other OTHER hand (getting off on a tangent here)… if he ever told her “You should dress up like this, and I know women do it because I saw my mom in lingerie once,” well I kind of wouldn’t blame her for freaking out a teensy bit more. Heh.

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      • avatar

        Christy January 7, 2013, 5:28 pm

        Your first paragraph is so true.

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      • avatar

        feelingroovy January 7, 2013, 9:37 pm

        And the last paragraph! If a guy ever said that to me, no matter how vanilla the request, I’d NEVER oblige. EVER.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 6:29 pm

        Oh for fucks sake, stop putting words in my mouth. For starters, that’s apple and oranges.

        How? S & M is a VERY specific type of sex that I actually know a great deal about. It can be quite involved, and is most definitely NOT something that one just naturally expects EVERYBODY to be into… (Far from it…) But wearing a sexy outfit once or twice a month? Um, yeah, I can see how one would just expect that to be a normal every day thing that didn’t bear much premarital discussion.

        At any rate, the fact that so many of you fail to grasp this concept makes the problems of ALL my straight married male friends make oh-so-much more sense… I keep forgetting that so few of you out there are Madonna and that most of you are so restrained and uncomfortable with sex that, well…. frankly, lets just say it’s no longer exactly a great big mystery why so many men cheat.

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      • avatar

        ebstarr January 7, 2013, 6:59 pm

        Erm, well, I just said thought it was a low bar for her and I was mostly on his side. But you may be referring to “so many of you” as in… not me, so whatever.

        Other commenters have already pointed this out, but people who want to be satisfied with their sex lives and have their partners try to fulfill their fantasies (within reason)? That’s BOTH genders. Not just men. And sex-negative people, or people who do have too many hang-ups to be GGG with their partners (legitimately or not)? That’s not just women. If you were angry on behalf of the LW not because he’s a man but because he’s an unhappy and unsatisfied person–and if you stuck to attacking people because of sex-negative attitudes rather than their gender–your argument would sound much less fallacious. Sorry if that’s condescending, but well, I’m matching tone for tone here! 🙂

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 7:10 pm

        Um, the people I am responding to here directly are (surprise, surprise!) all women…

        That said, I definitely do know far more men (straight only) who are dying to have their sexual fantasies fulfilled than I do women with the same problem. Come to think of it, I don’t know that I’ve ever even had a women tell me about some long unfulfilled sexual fantasy — which is interesting in that they pretty much tell me everything else. So I’m pretty sure it would have come up.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 7, 2013, 7:29 pm

        I have a long unfulfilled sexual fantasy. My husband is not comfortable doing it, but he does other things for me so I’m okay with not living it out. In fact, my husband is completely vanilla and I am the kinkier one. We meet in the middle.

        I think the reason that they aren’t men speaking up on here about their uncomfortableness to do what their wives would like isn’t because they aren’t men that feel that way- it’s because this is an almost completely female website. There are what- 5 regular male commenters? Vs the hundreds of females.

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      • avatar

        mf January 7, 2013, 8:23 pm

        For the record, BGM, some of us ladies are with you on this. And yes, some of us DO have unfulfilled sexual fantasies, which we don’t tell our friends (male or female, gay or straight). And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 8:30 pm

        I feel so cheated if this is true of my ladyfriends… Why I have told them all my most scandalous stories… And they are pretty scandalous, I must say…

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      • avatar

        mf January 7, 2013, 8:41 pm

        You should just ask them. I would never offer this kind of information but if one of my gay male friends asked, I’d probably tell him. Actually, I’d be more likely to tell him than one of my female friends.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 8:36 pm

        I think most of us have secret fantasies we don’t tell people. The difference is probably in the sharing of that fantasy, not in the existence of it. I’m also pretty sure that there’s a stereotype abotu women being kinkier than men. Men wanting vanilla sex and women wanting fingers in buttholes and sex swings and stuff.

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      • avatar

        karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:43 pm

        i disagree. women who want that stuff are still, for the most part, considered “sluts” and while they might be a guy’s choice for a sexual partner, they are the not the one they commit to. generally speaking, women are not considered kinkier. at least those that aren’t “sluts” aren’t.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 11:28 pm

        While I think that there is a distinction between “sluts” that are kinky and non-sluts (?), I still think there’s a tendency within committed relationships for the women to be kinkier than the men. Maybe I’m wrong about that, or maybe it has to do with my social circle or something, but I thought that was a pretty pervasive stereotype.

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      • gigi

        Gigi January 8, 2013, 10:41 am

        Which is EXACTLY the reason many women dont share their fantasies! Being judged. I have many fantasies & do many non-vanilla things with my committed partner, but you would never know it by looking at me & I certainly won’t tell my friends about it, for that very reason. Wow….

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 8, 2013, 11:11 am

        Wow. I’m sure glad my husband didn’t get that memo. I wouldn’t call myself a “slut” by any means considering I’m in a monogamous marriage. I don’t think anyone would call me a slut that knows me or even passed me in the street. I’m actually fairly conservatively dressed and, I like to think, respectable-looking. Just because I like to have a little more fun than the average person by no means makes me a “slut” or somehow makes me less suited for marriage, either.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 8, 2013, 11:23 am

        I like to refer to the Usher song “Yeah” when talking to my fiance about this. My favorite line goes “she’s a lady on the street but a freak in the bed.” In my mind, exactly how it should be.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 6:44 pm

        Yeah, I’d say you have your stereotypes rather reversed. I’ve know far more kinkier straight men than women. Most of my female friend’s wildest sex fantasies are so tame it makes me laugh…

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  • avatar

    jlyfsh January 7, 2013, 3:20 pm

    It does sound like you are mismatched, and were from the start. The one question I have for you is, how do you approach your wife when she adds something ridiculous (i’m still trying to think up ideas of what she does!). If she’s that nervous and then you call her out on being ridiculous it could be hurtful. And do you do anything for her to reciprocate this sexiness you want her to bring to the relationship? It’s not just about demanding and expecting to give nothing in return. I think you should probably try and talk about it together without calling each other ridiculous, etc. And if you can’t maybe it’s time to try couple’s counseling.

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  • theattack

    theattack January 7, 2013, 3:23 pm

    It’s not at all wrong for you to want to spice it up. It sounds like you’re going to have to try to be more sensitive to your wife in dealing with it though. Why don’t you try to meet her where she already is? Ask her what SHE would like to do instead of suggesting what you would like. If you can get her to start creating and enjoying her own fantasies, she’ll be much more likely to experiment with yours. it sounds like there’s something going on though. She might have some insecurities to get over, or she might be exhausted. She could be feeling unappreciated and depressed. Most women start feeling a lot friskier when their husbands start doing more work around the house. It’s kind of magical. When we’re not covered in bleach up to our arms and exhausted from a full day’s work at the office and at home, we start feeling sexier. And when we feel sexy, we act sexy. So compliment her often, and genuinely. Tell her how sexy she is and why, with no pressure. You’re going to have to meet her more than half-way here, but I think there’s definitely hope!

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    • FireStar

      FireStar January 7, 2013, 3:46 pm

      I think the times she does dress up is a perfect opportunity to make it crazy fun…for her. If she is having the time of her life she is going to be willing to throw on just about anything. If those night are all about the LW then I can see why she is meh about it, especially if she doesn’t have an occasional “her night” as well.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 3:49 pm

        Very good point!

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 3:57 pm

      Seriously. Wash the dishes, fold the laundry, put the kids to bed if you have them while she relaxes with a glass of wine. Then snuggle. Watch something kind of sexy (not porn sexy but like Magic Mike or Grey’s Anatomy sexy). Sex is much more mental for women. We need to be in the right mindset, relaxed, low stress.

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    • avatar

      ktfran January 7, 2013, 4:15 pm

      I really like your advice theattack. And I like how you didn’t attack the LW, because honestly, I don’t think he is a jerk for wanting to spice up his sex life just a little. And you’re right, there could be something more going on with the wife and he should be sensitive to that. But I really don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to voice his wants. I do think it’s unreasonable for the wife to automatically shut him down or for him to not understand where her insecurities are coming from.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 4:47 pm

        Thanks! Completely agreed 🙂

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph January 7, 2013, 5:56 pm

      I have to agree. I wonder if he is just not approaching his wife about it in a way that makes her want to do these things.

      Like… I don’t know, the tone of this letter seemed kinda shady so I wonder if he’s saying things to her that make her think that pictures are going to get out or that he will only have sex with her if she does XYZ or that he only married her for her body or that he wishes he married a movie star or a blonde or a person who does household chores in a french maid costume…

      I think theattack is right that compliments without pressure will get him farther than all this begging for specific fetish acts.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph January 7, 2013, 5:58 pm

        I just want to clarify that I don’t think he thinks these things or has unreasonable requests.. but it seems to me that the delivery might need some work.

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  • iwannatalktosampson

    iwannatalktosampson January 7, 2013, 3:24 pm

    I don’t think you’re being unrealistic but have you tried (besides nagging) to get her to do it in a cute way? Buy her lingerie fora birthday or something. Or your birthday I guess, haha. If you want her to wear a nice dress and get all dolled up take her to a fancy restaurant and wear a suit. Buy her flowers. I’m not saying anything you’re asking is unreasonable – but I do think there are ways to get her to do it that feel less like nagging and make it romantic.

    I think it’s all in the approach.

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    • theattack

      theattack January 7, 2013, 3:26 pm

      Exactly! I love the suit idea! Probably the fastest way to get a woman into and out of a hot dress.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass January 7, 2013, 3:29 pm

      Definitely make the lingerie a birthday gift for him and not her. I’d be pissed if I got a birthday present related to my husbands sexual desires and not mine. Like getting a flavoured condom for your birthday! Although my husband got me a “baby on board’ car sticker for Christmas even though he knows I think that they are tacky- he just wanted it.

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    • FireStar

      FireStar January 7, 2013, 3:39 pm

      Yeah for HIS birthday since clearly that isn’t a gift for her.

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  • avatar

    Boosker January 7, 2013, 3:31 pm

    In my experience, good sex is often the result of feeling confident and comfortable, at least from the female perspective. Sounds like your wife is not feeling either of those things when she honors your request. I can kind of relate to her because I once went to one of those “special” stores and got a Wizard of Oz outfit. It did not go well. He wasn’t into it; I wasn’t into it. Not cute. Also, my dad happened upon the outfit while still in its non-discreet packaging, but that’s a whole other skeeved-out catastrophe.

    On the other hand, every couple of months or so, I definitely like to get all dolled up with honeymoon lingerie and just be a naked surprise for when my husband comes home. Have you told her about seeing your Moms in the boudoir gear? Because that would absolutely but a damper on wanting to recreate that image for you from an Oedipal standpoint. Yikes.

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    • avatar

      feelingroovy January 7, 2013, 9:39 pm

      SO Oedipal! That was the part of the letter that stood out to me the most!

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  • avatar

    haggith January 7, 2013, 3:46 pm

    a question, do you do the kind of things you want her to do for her?

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  • avatar

    GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 3:53 pm

    1-“cooking naked in the kitchen” Hello issues with sanitation and getting food up in weird bits and well it’s just not practicle.
    2-“only wearing an apron to make things interesting for dinner” See #1
    3-“her not wearing underwear when we go out for dinner at a restaurant” Have you ever gone out to dinner not wearing underwear? I didn’t think so.
    4-“wearing something hot and meeting her husband at the door after work ” Does she work? Do you have children? Have you ever considered the practicality of this happening? What if FedEx showed up? Or the neighbor asking for a cup of sugar?

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 4:06 pm

      1 & 2) How do you sleep with somebody with all these hang ups? Seriously, you could always just, I dunno, BATHE before doing any of these things…

      3) Actually, lots of guys I know go out sans underwear on occasion. It can be VERY sexy and, hey, it’s REALLY not THAT shocking…

      4) Send the kids to grandma’s house if they even exist. (I suspect they do not.) Leave work an hour early… Or simply ask your husband to run some errand that will delay his arrival home long enough — what, five minutes? To muss your hair a bit and throw on a teddy. FedEx? Don’t order anything that week or look out the peephole and slip on a fucking robe. And if the neighbor comes a’begging for sugar, she could always NOT answer the door.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 4:15 pm

        I hardly think having a hang up about getting food inside of my vagina is a hang up that would prevent me from having a very fulfilling sex life.

        My point with #4 was this women probably is busy. She’s probably running a house (with or without children). She probably has a job, it might be stressful. Has he ever left work an hour early and surprised her?

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 4:38 pm

        Honestly, you must be one messy cook if you think food is just going to so easily wind up in your vagina… 😉

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 4:47 pm

        I am!!

        I just don’t think those things he listed are really that practical. A lot of people are a little bashful, especially when it comes to sex. I’m a little bashful! But with some open communication and a lot of meeting in the middle, I have a great sexual relationship with my fiance. I think this guy needs to open the lines of communcation with his wife. If they need to see a sex therapist or something then do it! But he should tone down his expectations some and she should tone up her adventurism or something. It’s just not so simple as she is a prude because she likes to wear underwear in public and she should just make herself uncomfortable to please him. Maybe the compromise is a lacy thong? You know what I mean?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:39 pm

        I guess I could be talked into cooking nude if I cooked at all, but seriously, there is no way in hell you would get it inside your vagina while cooking unless you were trying to.

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      • avatar

        mf January 7, 2013, 4:15 pm

        RE #3: WHY HAS MY HUSBAND NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE? Note to self: steal all his clean boxers and hide them in our storage closet…

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    • theattack

      theattack January 7, 2013, 4:52 pm

      Honestly, I don’t understand cooking naked. Being sweaty and covered in flour and splashes of milk isn’t exactly the sexiest part of my day. And are you just supposed to stop cooking to have sex?

      “Ooo, I like the way you’re touching me under this apron. Let me turn this chicken, check on the zucchini, and finish chopping these carrots, and then we have about fifteen minutes to play around before everything burns to pieces.”

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      • avatar

        redessa January 7, 2013, 6:52 pm

        Okay, so you don’t want to do the messy part naked, but she could make something simple like spaghetti, get it simmering on the stove and then undress. So by the time he comes home, there she is, stirring the pot in nothing but an apron.

        I would be willing to do that for my husband if not for the 5 children who would run screaming from the kitchen and start praying for brain bleach.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed

        LadyinPurpleNotRed January 7, 2013, 6:56 pm

        Cooking naked is fun! I live by myself and do it all the time. Then again, I like hanging out in my apartment by myself and it just seems silly to get dressed just to cook, but still.

        And no, but it gets you hot and bothered while you have to wait until the anticipation overflows after you’re done cooking, and maybe done eating, makes it all the more fun!

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      • katie

        katie January 7, 2013, 8:19 pm

        you get sweaty cooking at home?

        please, dont ever accept an invitation to go into a working kitchen in the summer… especially if the chefs are over 250#. over 100 degrees and big guys cooking over multiple open flames and heat sources? disgusting.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 8:32 pm

        Well I typically keep my apartment about 77 degrees, and then I have the stove top and/or oven on, and then frequently the dryer a few feet away and maybe the dishwasher steaming right next to me. I don’t usually sweat, but it does get quite hot in my kitchen. It’s that hot feeling before sweating where I still feel super disgusting, ya know? Not at all sexy.

        That sounds miserable. It might just be me, but seeing sweaty guys around food is kind of gross to me.

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      • katie

        katie January 7, 2013, 8:46 pm

        its very gross- and they still have all their clothes on.. haha. ill never forget the yelling that i witnessed after a chef wiped his sweaty face off and then used the rag to pick up a plate or a pan or something.. ohh man.

        77 is such a perfect temp. i wish i had that too! but i hear you, then, on the hot appliances everywhere. i thought you meant the act of cooking made you sweat, haha..

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 11:33 pm

        Ewww, remind me never to eat wherever you’re talking about. Gross out! That would be pretty hilarious if cooking made me so nervous I started sweating. haha

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      • avatar

        karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:51 pm

        i keep my place at about 68, 66 if i’m hot, 70 if i’m cold! 77 sounds like a steam room to me! if it’s too hot, my nose gets all congested and i can’t breathe. different strokes for different folks. but srsly we could never be roomiez – you’d freeze or i’d melt

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 11:37 pm

        That’s really interesting that heat makes you congested. I’ve never heard of that before. I absolutely cannot function at 68 degrees. I told my fiance long before we moved in that heat was not something I would compromise on. I get all tense and can’t do anything if I’m cold.

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    • avatar

      Elle January 7, 2013, 5:08 pm

      1) and 2) I sometimes cook in my underwear, because I’m too lazy to put on a pair of pants. I never had any problems. I’d do it naked too, but it’s too cold in my apartment, and it’s no fun doing it by myself 🙂

      3) I have, once. I was wearing jeans. The guy dating me at the time told me that this was one of his fantasies (apparently it’s pretty common). NBD. I would do it with a dress too, maybe only wearing tights. Maybe not. Again, if someone asks me to, I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal.

      4) Excuses, excuses. She could wear a robe. She could look through the peephole before she opens the door.

      For some other underlying reason, you don’t want to make your partner happy. (Not specifically you, GatorGirl, just in general, someone who doesn’t fulfill their partner’s wishes when it wouldn’t come at a great cost to them.) Just like a guy who doesn’t buy his gf flowers because flowers die after one week.

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  • avatar

    Amber January 7, 2013, 3:53 pm

    I am wondering about the approach the LW uses when making these requests…Is it a genuine “I would really like it if you….” and then she just completely brushes him aside? Does he guilt trip her? Has she given him reasons why it makes her uncomfortable?

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  • LM

    LM January 7, 2013, 3:58 pm

    LW, it seems like you have some communication issues here. No, it’s not unrealistic for you to want certain things, but maybe you are nagging or maybe there is a reason she doesn’t want to do certain things (like cook naked with an apron… even if my husband asked, I wouldn’t do it). If you’ve been married for 11 years and you have always begged or bugged about these things, why did you get married to begin with? Sex is an essential part of any relationship and if you don’t have the physical aspect going on, then you have a friendship…

    What does she do or how do you initiate? There is such a thing called tact and it’s a great thing, especially when situations are a bit on the sensitive side, for whatever reason. Maybe you could ask her in a sexy or seductive way to make her feel more comfortable. Perhaps you can sit down and have a frank discussion with her about your needs and wants. If this doesn’t help or work, there is always counseling.

    Reply Link
  • Miss MJ

    MISS MJ January 7, 2013, 4:00 pm

    It’s definitely not unreasonable for the LW to want his wife to dress up and spice things up. And, she definitely should try to accommodate. But, that said, the examples the LW gave are kind of … cliched … and, if his wife is uncomfortable with dressing in lingerie and doing the sexy surprise thing, they’re going to make her feel staged and silly and awkward, not like a super sexy bombshell. So, why not start off with something a bit less dramatic than cooking naked or not wearing panties to dinner or hanging out in lingerie in the living room at 6:00 p.m.? Off the top of my head suggestion? Maybe the LW and his wife could pick out some lingerie they both like? Online, if she doesn’t want to go with her husband to the store. That could actually be fun and hearing how much he cannot wait to see her in something she feels comfortable wearing might be a real turn on. Or maybe she could get something hot that she could wear under her regular clothes when they go out to dinner. Then, when they get home, he can have the fun of seeing her in it when he takes them off. Anyway, small stuff like that might prove to be as big as or a bigger turn on to the LW and the LW’s wife than her trying to pretend to be sexy while avoiding getting bacon grease splatters on her boobs or sitting bare-assed in a restaurant chair.

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  • avatar

    va-in-ny January 7, 2013, 4:05 pm

    I understand that you want more from your wife and you are in no way out of line for asking for what you want. Since you say you have tried to communicate your wishes with no avail, I would suggest tweaking HOW you ask for what you want.

    I’m sure my boyfriend would love to come home and find me cooking away in the kitchen wearing nothing but an apron.. but the truth is, I would never think to do that! Not because I don’t want to please him, but because it is not something I would consciously think to do. Now, if he came home and said “ugh, why are you never naked when I get here??” I would be so confused because it’s not something I would plan ahead to do. If he said, “I just wish you would do things for me like that sometimes” I might make a mental note of it and then would probably forget it in a few days.

    So maybe YOU have to make a plan for it. Maybe you have to leave a piece of lingerie with a note that says “something special will happen if I come home to you wearing this..”

    It seems to me that you are just having a communication issue. You mention that she’s done it a few times for you, find out what works for her and focus on that.

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  • AKchic_

    AKchic_ January 7, 2013, 4:09 pm

    Look dude… I get it. You lucked out and married a woman who was hot when you married her (and oh my Goddess, she fucking married you. YOU!) and her looks lasted this long and she’s still doable in a public setting and you still have guys that would love to muscle you out of the way to bend her over your kitchen table. Congrats man.

    However, as hot as she is, she has a flaw. She’s vanilla in the sex department. Or, in the Penthouse letters department. You want to be able to brag to your buddies that she does the occasional fun, flirty, kinky, sexy thing. Seriously, isn’t sex enough?

    How about this? YOU cook dinner in the nude. Try it with stir fry or deep fry some fish/halibut. Or make bacon. It’s not so sexy when you’re nursing a grease burn on your nipple, is it?
    Some people aren’t “dress up” people. Some people have better things to do after a long day at work than get all kink’d up and wait at the door like an obedient pet for their master/husband to get home and lavish them with sexual attention. If you really want it, why don’t YOU be the one to dress up and wait like a good boy? Hmmm? Why is it all about how she can meet your sexual fantasies?

    Get your mind out of the pornos and Penthouse forum columns and back into real life. If you want to see change, you need to change yourself as much as the other person involved. Right now, all she’s seeing is a guy nagging her into becoming his sexual geisha doll with no reciprocrity. I certainly wouldn’t do it, and believe me, I’ve done quite a bit in the name of sex (and the almighty dollar).

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 4:11 pm

      Again, everybody is so snide. Whatever. I hope you all treat YOUR own partners better. If not, well, then I can’t wait to say: “I told you so…”

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      • avatar

        mf January 7, 2013, 4:18 pm

        Agreed! It’s really not that hard: you don’t actually COOK in the nude. You make the food fully-clothed and then, seconds before your SO is scheduled to arrive home, you take off all your clothes, load up a spatula with whip cream, and strike a pose. Er, not that I know anything about this…

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 7, 2013, 5:06 pm

        Not that I know anything about this either, but someone (no idea who!) thinks cooking the food in just an apron and heels adds to the anticipation. And also, that it’s possible to cook something that isn’t sending grease spurting every which way!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 5:11 pm

        Yeah, like salad and a frozen pizza, perhaps…

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      • TaraMonster

        TaraMonster January 7, 2013, 5:31 pm

        I was implying the use of a nonstick pan! Maybe a lightly seasoned fish filet? But if frozen pizza does it for you, go on and get sexy with Elios.

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      • avatar

        MMcG January 7, 2013, 6:10 pm

        “go on and get sexy with Elios”

        Ding Ding Ding… you should be in advertising 🙂

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 7:05 pm

        I don’t cook much, clearly…

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      • AKchic_

        AKchic_ January 7, 2013, 5:23 pm

        Considering that I’m more adventurous than his partner, I don’t exactly have his problem. Granted – my SO has never asked me to cook naked. He knows better. He’s cooked bare-chested and knows that it’s no fun to cook sans clothing.

        Also, my rule in the bedroom is this: Don’t ask me to do something you aren’t willing to do yourself. Mainly to spare me the requests of anal. I’m not a fan. I’m a-okay with role-playing, dressing up, fetishism, S&M, public displays, etc.

        The thing is – this guy is coming off as a whiner. It makes me think that he’s not doing much to make his wife feel like she’s special other than say “you’ve got a great body, SHOW ME YOUR BODY”. He must have known while dating her that she was a conservative woman. What did he think, that when she got married she’s let out her inner kink that she’d been hiding for a few years? Either that, or she feels like he’s overly sexualized her and it’s turned her off and she wants to feel like a human, not some sex doll that’s his personal chew toy.

        There definitely needs to be some better communication going on here.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 5:25 pm

        Thank you! You said so much that I wanted to say but couldn’t get out of my fingers! I was definitely thinking about the over-sexualized feeling. That really sucks. Who wants to have sex with someone when you feel like a blow up sex doll instead of a lover?

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      • avatar

        karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:55 pm

        sometimes its an incredible feeling to know that someone finds you so hot and so sexual, to know that you give a guy an insta-boner is pretty fucking awesome!

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 5:27 pm

        That is a funny remark coming from you!!

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  • avatar

    SGMcG January 7, 2013, 4:11 pm

    LW, although I can sympathize where you are in having a fantasy and wanting to see it executed in a certain way, have you once asked her what her definition of self-sexiness is to her? Being hot in lingerie is a great feeling when you have the self-confidence to rock it, but if you’re trying to force your wife into outfits that she feels is ridiculous, it’s a sure way to undermine her. Not everyone comes out with porn-star level confidence, and after 11 years of marriage, it’s surprising that you feel that the license to wed translates to immediate sexual proclivity/foreplay of a porn-star level. There are different levels of lingerie styles available and your wife should graduate into each level accordingly if you want her to wear the stuff from her own initiative – don’t immediately ask her to wear the Hustler line of clothing when you should start with the Pink branding from Victoria’s Secret.

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  • avatar

    mf January 7, 2013, 4:14 pm

    I’m with BGM on this. Your requests are totally reasonable.

    Have you asked her WHY she won’t do these things even though she knows they’re important to you? I’m guessing she’s insecure. I can sympathize and I get why she’d feel that way, but that’s not an excuse for the long term. If she feels insecure about her body, sexuality, etc., that’s something she needs to address for both you and herself. (Yes, if she’s insecure, she owes it to her husband to work on that, because it’s definitely affecting their relationship in a negative way.) Anyway, perhaps if you tried to talk to her about why she dress sexy, maybe you can open a dialogue about what’s holding her back. Maybe then you can encourage her to think/talk more her insecurity, etc.

    Another approach you might try: Suggest that if she’ll dress sexy once a month (or once a year, or whatever), you’ll do _______ for her to show your love and appreciation. And she gets to pick what goes in that blank. It could be anything, within reason. You’ll do the dishes, make her dinner, send her flowers, watch The Bachelor with her, vacuum all the floors, take her on a date. My husband never cooks, so if he said to me, “Hey honey, will you dress up in lingerie once a month if I made you dinner once a month?” I’d be all, “Um, hell yes!” It’s not about making an exchange to get what you want; it’s both of you agreeing to do something to please the other person because you want to make them happy.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster January 7, 2013, 4:19 pm

    Wow. I will read the comments in a moment…

    I have several thoughts, the first being that you should be writing to Dan Savage. The second is that while it is NOT wrong to want your wife to a team player in the bedroom, it sounds like maybe you’re not acting like a team player when you’re putting all the responsibility and pressure of a successful sex life squarely on her shoulders.

    I’m not sure what it is that she’s doing to “sabotage” the sexy outfits she puts on for you. That part just struck me as incredibly strange and says more about your expectation than what your wife is willing to do. You clearly have a very specific idea of what sexy is. You say you’d be happy with her dressing up for you ONCE, but that’s not true at all. She has tried, and failed to meet your expectations. Maybe it’s because you’re saying “You’re so HOT, but…” and that probably doesn’t make her feel all that great.

    Stop pressuring your wife so much. Have a frank conversation with her about your needs. DO NOT say “You never do xyz” or “If you only did xyz I would be happy!” You’re shaming her and making her feel guilty- which is not exactly the best aphrodisiac. What does your wife like? Do YOU do those things for her? Being unsatisfied sexually is incredibly frustrating and I get that, but if you’re stomping your feet instead of acting like a grown up about your needs, then you’re going to keep getting dismissive treatment from your wife. People are sensitive about their sexuality, as you clearly understand right now. And maybe that’s a good place to start. “I know this is a sensitive subject for you. It is for me too. I want this area of our relationship to be just as good as the other areas.”

    If you approach it right and your wife really does care, then she’ll open her mind up about this stuff. Because people DEFINITELY do the things your wife is saying don’t happen in real life. I would start small, and let her set the pace. Don’t critique her outfits. Compliment them. Positive reinforcement might go a long way in this scenario. You might not have mind blowing sex right away, but you’re in this for the long game. It wouldn’t hurt to read Dan Savage together or listen to his podcasts. You both need a lesson in being GGG. If your wife still dismisses you, then you need a sex positive therapist ASAP. I’m a firm believer that a healthy sex life is essential in a good relationship. And that goes both ways.

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    • avatar

      mf January 7, 2013, 4:21 pm

      Yes, yes, yes. Exactly.

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      • avatar

        mf January 7, 2013, 4:26 pm

        I would also add this: Your wife may only be hearing your requests as pressuring or nagging. Try telling her how it would make you feel if she were to do this one thing for you. I know, I know, dudes don’t like to talk about their feelings. But would it kill you to say, honestly and directly, “Wife, I know you’re not into dressing up, but it would make me feel so valued and so loved if you would do this one thing for me. I would appreciate it so much you’d be doing it especially for me.” Phrased like that, most women would at least consider such a request from their husbands/boyfriends.

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    • avatar

      jlyfsh January 7, 2013, 4:24 pm

      Very good advice! I also really want to know what it is she’s doing to sabotage the outfits.

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      • avatar

        Kelly L. January 7, 2013, 8:38 pm

        I keep picturing a clown nose or one of those disguise kits with mustache and fake glasses.

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    • avatar

      MissDre January 7, 2013, 4:33 pm

      Wendy should email this advice to the LW

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. January 7, 2013, 4:19 pm

    Yes, some women do do these things, but your wife isn’t one of them. Can you live with that? Or I should say, can you continue living with that, since you have been for 11 years now. Was she always like this? My motto is, “Most things are negotiable.” (I do have my limits.) Have you tried bargaining with her? I don’t like wearing garter belts (uncomfortable) but if my guy dresses up as a fireman or puts on the Snake Plissken eyepatch one night, I am ready to go. If, after 11 years, this is something you absolutely want that she will not give you, you may have to MOA.

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  • avatar

    Nutella January 7, 2013, 4:27 pm

    I tend to agree with all the others who have said that this man is not being petty. I fail to understand how it can be difficult for this wife to dress up like he asks and she should find a way to get over it because he is not being ridiculous. If she can’t than he needs to decide if this is truly a dealbreaker for him.

    I also do not think it’s a big deal to be naked in the kitchen. I’m naked all the time, the moment I get home the clothes come off and it really is not a big deal. I saw above some people thinking its unsanitary, I fail to see how. If I’m showered then I’m clean, and besides I’m not handling the food with my labia, I’m still using just my hands to prepare the food. Also, this way if I spill something on myself it’s much easier to just wipe off my skin and it keeps my clothes clean much longer!

    I think I also saw a concern if someone comes by with a delivery or something and first off, how often does that really happen that someone shows up unannounced and two, if you’re that concerned, just have a robe by the door to throw on.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster January 7, 2013, 4:42 pm

      I don’t know… it happened to the LW’s mother! Hence his Oedipal need for his wife to be naked in the doorway in nothing but heels and pearls. 😉

      I kid!

      I’m actually with you on being comfortable with doing all the stuff he describes. But I’m comfortable with my body. And not everyone feels that way. Just because you and I don’t have the hangups LW’s wife seems to have, doesn’t mean she should be the only one compromising in this situation. And it sounds like he’s doing a lot more demanding than compromising here. He doesn’t once mention what he does to make her happy, only what she doesn’t do for him. They are married, that means working through this stuff together and being sensitive to each other’s needs. She absolutely needs to pay attention to his needs more, but it is a two-way street.

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      • avatar

        Nutella January 7, 2013, 4:48 pm

        I agree with everything you said and especially that not everybody is as comfortable with their bodies, I was just oversharing to show that these women do exsit and it doesn’t always have to be a big deal to be naked.

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle January 7, 2013, 5:26 pm

        I am that naked person too! just replying to show solidarity, haha.

        But seriously, I actually DON’T understand body shame? My boyfriend told me his ex never let him see or touch her bare ass until, like 3 years into the relationship. And I’ve had FWBs in the past who’ve expressed delight & surprise that I let them LOOK at me “down there” while they were pleasuring me. I was shocked that my open-ness was apparently rare, & that it was even considered especially open?

        I don’t know. I would never tell a woman, or fellow women as a whole, what they should do with their own bodies. But seriously? Get over yourselves 😉

        (if I’m being a little flip in both this response & my long one below, I apologize. I am home sick from work & not fully invested in being super gentle with my comments)

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      • LM

        LM January 7, 2013, 5:51 pm

        Then, Fabelle, you are one of the lucky ones. Body shame is a hard thing. It could stem from a million things from a cultural aspect, to an over assertive and mean parent or friend, or just not developing that confidence the LW wants in his wife to do all the things above. It could be as simple as he thinks his wife is beyond hot and attractive, but she’s a size 16 and doesn’t feel comfortable like that. Either way, not everyone is as comfortable in their own skin as they could be, which is a shame, but it’s definitely understood.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. January 7, 2013, 5:30 pm

      Yeah, I don’t get the unsanitary thing, either. What are you doing with this food? And robes were invented for a reason. Besides, does hubby ring the doorbell when he comes home? Surely your neighbors just don’t walk in, do they?

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph January 7, 2013, 6:11 pm

        TMI time: when I don’t wear a shirt, I sweat, and the sweat has nowhere to go so it runs down my body. Yes, I wear prescription strength antiperspirant. I’m just a sweaty person.
        If I’m standing over a hot pan without a shirt, I’m sweating in the food.

        Sorry I had to tell you that.

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  • avatar

    bethany January 7, 2013, 4:28 pm

    I can understand his frustrations… I know that I don’t wear lingerie as often as my husband would like, but at the same time, the woman shouldn’t be the only one trying to bring the passion. He doesn’t mention what he does to get her excited or to keep things interesting. I think a lot of times women are expected to do all this stuff while the men just sit there. When was the last time he bought her flowers, or wrote her a love note, or lit candles in the bedroom?

    Now, I don’t know if the LW is doing his part or not. He doesn’t mention that… But just remember that keeping the passion alive is a 2 way street.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 4:30 pm

      “keeping the passion alive is a 2 way street”

      YES!!

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR January 7, 2013, 4:29 pm

    Me, me, me, me!!! (Well, the LW, not me the comment writer.) You sound very self-centered and ungrateful for what you have in your wife. You sound like you bully her to play out your porn fantasies.

    Talk to her without trying to guilt her. Find out what she’d like. Are you satisfying her in the way she desires? Communicate and work out what you both would be comfortable doing. Maybe if she felt she had more of an input into your sex life, she’ll feel like indulging in your fantasies.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 4:47 pm

      Honestly, he goes on and on and on about how much he loves her but remains confused as to why she won’t do this one little thing… What is every LW supposed to do? Must they list the many and numerous ways he loves his wife and ALL the things he does for her and only THEN feel free to bring up his problem? Exactly how long are all the letters supposed to be…?

      FINAL RANDOM THOUGHT before I duck out on errands… How utterly depressing it must be for the LW to KNOW that even is parents had a more daring and exciting sex life than he does. Think about it…

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 7, 2013, 5:11 pm

        He doesn’t need to give us a point-by-point list of the things he does for his wife but if he does special things for her you would think that he would bring it up so that the situation seems unfair. He doesn’t ask how he can compromise so that they are both happy and comfortable- he asks for validation in his viewpoint.

        He doesn’t state that he loves her at all. I’m not saying he doesn’t love her, but he made no point of saying how he loves her, just that she is hot. Also he shoots her down when she does try to please him! He wants a better sex life but he doesn’t seem willing to put in the effort to get it- he just wants it handed to him on a silver platter.

        His request is not unreasonable but his approach is.

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      • avatar

        PFG-SCR January 7, 2013, 6:27 pm

        Your last sentence is my point – his approach appears to be guilting (“Even my mom does this!”) and bullying. He is likely controlling in other areas of the relationship. His tone is what I found off-putting, not the request.

        As someone who is approximately the same age as the LW/his wife (as are most of my friends), wives usually resist sexual requests when they are unhappy about their sex life and/or marriage. Instead of making this solely “her issue,” he needs to take a look at his own behavior (sexually and non-sexually) and her happiness and satisfaction. It’s not that hers trumps his, but his doesn’t trump hers.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs January 7, 2013, 4:52 pm

    LW your request is not unreasonable at all!!!!…i think its sweet that you are still attracted to your wife after 11 years of marriage and want to spice it up a bit in the bedroom with some sexy clothing….god there are far more unreasonable things to ask for (like performing a sex act that she is not into)…it seems unreasonable that she won’t do that for you…doesn’t seem like a lot to ask personally

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  • avatar

    lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:14 pm

    Before reading the other comments…first, the idea of not wearing underwear makes me gag. Moving on, I think your thoughts on this need to meet in the middle. I don’t think its as common as you may think, but I don’t think its as uncommon as your wife thinks. Have you tried buying her lingerie? Or even cuter looking pajamas? When you are having sex, are you giving her compliments on her body? Do you compliment even just a sweater or heels that you think are nice on her? Maybe start doing these things and sit her down to talk about just how important this is to you.
    One other thing, if you think she’s so damn hot (which you seem to), why do you so badly need her to cover that hot bod up for the 10 mins of foreplay?

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    • iwannatalktosampson

      iwannatalktosampson January 7, 2013, 5:20 pm

      Foreplay? What’s this?

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        lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:44 pm

        Is it weird I’m not into foreplay at all? Or are you saying you;re the same way?

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        GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 6:11 pm

        You’re definitely weird, haha.

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        SpaceySteph January 7, 2013, 6:13 pm

        Not weird. Hate foreplay. Lets just get to the lovin!

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      • Stonegypsy

        the_other_Wendy January 7, 2013, 8:57 pm

        Not weird at all. I get bored with foreplay.I like to skip to the main course.

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        MissDre January 7, 2013, 9:47 pm

        I thought I was the only one!! Foreplay is so boring to me. And I’ve been with enough guys who LOVE to go down… and the entire time I’d be thinking, ok lets get on with it!

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 5:39 pm

      I totally agree with you. Maybe the kinky nurse outfit from the triple x porn-o site is intimidating to her but the wife would be okay with something like this

      It’s all about compromising and communication. But aren’t those like the two most important relationship skills?

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:43 pm

        Honestly, I would feel goofy dressing up like a cowgirl or whatever, I know I would. But I would do it if I knew it was that important and just try to not laugh at myself too much. I totally agree with you, communicate and compromise.

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      • avatar

        AliceInDairyland January 7, 2013, 5:56 pm

        GG I want that. Why is it so expensive?!

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 7, 2013, 6:04 pm

        I personally like the sailor outfit they have in that line. If only I had a spare $100. A few years ago I bought their “naughty santa” get-up but it has sat in my lingerie drawer untouched. It’s just way too busy in December for costumes! Plus I think I would giggle too much and start doing the Santa Baby dance from MeanGirls.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass January 7, 2013, 5:43 pm

      10 mins?? I think I now understand why people say they have sex multiple times a day. We spend at least 30 mins!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 7, 2013, 5:48 pm

        Haha, I like skipping foreplay all together.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 7, 2013, 5:52 pm

        what??? That’s the best part! P in V is just dessert in my opinion!

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      • Kate B.

        Kate B. January 7, 2013, 6:14 pm

        Seconded.

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      • avatar

        MissDre January 7, 2013, 9:48 pm

        I’m not a fan of it either.

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  • kare

    kare January 7, 2013, 5:17 pm

    Go lingerie shopping together….try to find a nice upscale boutique in your area. Even my ultra conservative college town had a lingerie boutique. The target customer was late 30s and up, specifically married women who weren’t 100% comfortable with lingerie and were trying to find ways to spice up their marriage. A good boutique with good employees will help your wife select something she feels comfortable in. Now this probably will be a less revealing silk camisole and lacy panties as opposed to a PVC corset and crotchless panties, but confidence is truly the key to sexiness.

    Oh and if she adds something that makes the outfit ridiculous, don’t say that. That will just discourage her. Unless she’s adding a clown mask to a naughty nurse outfit or something…

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  • Fabelle

    Fabelle January 7, 2013, 5:18 pm

    Whoooa. Guys, do you really want to validate BGM’s continuing theory that we don’t take male LW’s & their problems seriously? 😉

    Because yeah, he’s right— there are way too many comments just totally dismissing this guy. “Be thankful she’s hot!” Really? So being attractive is all women should aspire for in the bedroom? They shouldn’t make an effort to accommodate their partner’s wishes? I firmly believe that each person in a relationship should be (to borrow Dan Savage’s phrase) G.G.G. (good, giving, game—I think?)

    I’m not a hardcore fan, nor do I always agree with him, but the whole GGG thing is a simple thing that matches my outlook here. It’s not that hard to put on some sexy lingerie, if that’s the husband’s kink. Why is no one addressing this part? “She claims that REAL women never dress up in something sexy to surprise their husbands….[these are] things that you only see in the movies or on prime-time.”

    That^ is the reason she’s giving him. Not that she’s embarrassed, or racked with Catholic guilt or whatever. She’s straight-up refusing based on a false world-view.

    Anyway—with alll that aside, I’m not really sure what advice to give. LW, I imagine you’ve brought this up enough so she knows it’s what you want. So keep quiet about it for a while. Don’t mention anything about “surprise” “other couples” or “lingerie” (or lack of). Maybe with patience, one day you’ll find she’s missing underwear at the dinner table.

    P.S. (and to add something personal). My boyfriend has a lingerie fetish. I used to be a black bra, black g-string girl, but now I own everything under the sun. I’m not really a fan—it does nothing for me—but it’s the EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD to throw on some thigh-highs every now & then & watch him go crazy. (And in case anyone’s wondering; yes, he indulges my kink as well).

    It shouldn’t be MAN VS. WOMAN in the sexual arena. I feel like some (including the LW’s wife?) may be thinking that way. You may think he got his kink from cheesy porn you disapprove of, but that doesn’t mean you should shame him for it. Or, you may believe her predilection for rough sex was partly caused by an ex who introduced her to such things, but that doesn’t mean you are right to deny her.

    I know I’m all over the place, but damn. So are these responses!

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    • landygirl

      landygirl January 7, 2013, 5:38 pm

      Some people like to be objectified, some don’t and she doesn’t. Instead of accepting that fact, he is trying to make her do something she doesn’t want to do regardless of her comfort level with it. People are saying that she should just give in but I ask, why doesn’t he just drop it? Maybe she’s be more inclined if he didn’t constantly pressure her.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 5:43 pm

        He’s waited eleven fucking years before even really thinking this is a problem… How much more patient is he supposed to be? So many of you are projecting your own lives into this letter. Where does he even say mentions this frequently… much less “pressures” her constantly.

        Whatever.

        It’s clear, as I stated above that precious few of you understand men on even the most basic level. Go take a class or something.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 7, 2013, 5:50 pm

        So, what do you get if you “understand men”? A fucking cookie? You write that constantly- that we women here don’t understand men. As if all men think and act exactly the same. They are individuals! They aren’t all exactly the same and understanding ONE man or even several men doesn’t mean that you understand all of them and it seems ridiculous to me to make such a sweeping statement about a gender.

        This guy’s problem isn’t that he wife doesn’t understand men- it’s that he doesn’t understand the give and take of a sexual relationship. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. That’s how a marriage works over the long term- not scratch my back but not that way or I’ll leave you!

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 6:12 pm

        No, I don’t want a fucking cookie. I’d rather many of you just get a clue.

        As if that cold fish even WANTS her back scratched. Good lord, he is asking her to entertain what could perhaps be the most mundane and easily satisfied list of fantasies ever, and many of you are acting like its a bridge too far…

        He fucking wants her to wear a teddy twice a month for God’s sake. It’s not much different than the way most of you drag your men to the mall as if any of them like that? You know what? They all probably go. And bitch later to their friends about it.

        Marriage is sometimes doing things you don’t want to do. But for all of you to act like you don’t get that men are visually stimulated makes me think you all live under rocks. If you didn’t know that men were visually stimulated you wouldn’t spend BILLIONS a year on products to make yourselves look better…

        It’s not exactly rocket science. And if his wife is too stupid to realize this — then, yes, he should leave her. Kick her sexphobic ass to the curb… Frankly, he’s got a hell of a better shot at finding somebody else than she does with her dreary sexual tastes and dismal all about me views on marriage. Talk about pissing it all away… And for what? She she can look like shit 31 days a month? Honestly, if she didn’t want to make the fucking effort, she should have bought a cat instead. Although, having cat sat a lot lately I can assure her thar they take a hell of a lot more effort than occasionally looking sexy.

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      • avatar

        Sistine January 7, 2013, 6:33 pm

        I just have to say, I agree with BGM. What the husband wants is pretty reasonable and very easily satisfied. I think the larger issue is the wife doesn’t seem willing to compromise in the relationship. Asking for it twice a month is a VERY reasonable compromise. Besides talking to his wife and maybe suggesting a marriage counselor if she refuses, I’m not sure what else the husband is supposed to do. But it is a serious problem if sexual desires in a relationship are not met. And we aren’t talking about anything over the top here. He’s asking her to wear lingerie twice a month. I just don’t see why she can’t put even that little amount of effort into keeping her man happy in the bedroom.

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 6:56 pm

        I was not imagining that he wanted her in a teddy. I imagined him wanting her in a full blown get-up during role-play, which is a little too much for some people. If this is something as simple as wearing a teddy to bed, then it does sound like either 1) she’s EXTREMELY insecure or 2) she’s really lazy about their sex life. Either way he’s still going to have to work on his approach with her, and he’s going to have to meet her more than half way to work out whatever’s going on.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 7, 2013, 7:00 pm

        You’re missing my point. I don’t think that his request is unreasonable. The things he wants I would do for my husband in a heartbeat. But thats because my husband makes an equal effort to make sure my sexual needs are met. If he stomped his feet and begged and then told me I was doing it wrong, yeah that’s not going to make me wet or encourage me to try other things. They both need to put in effort- not just her and not just him.

        He says that she is hot- so it’s not that she’s wearing sweatpants and has cheetos in her hair. He just wants her to dress up in this pre-scripted sex fantasy of his with no room for her own individuality. It’s completely OTT to say he should leave her without first putting in some effort himself. No wonder the divorce rate is so high if people are so willing to walk away without even trying.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 7:26 pm

        You are making many assumptions about her and none about him. Like I said in a different post, other than this one act, you don’t know if their sex life isn’t fulfilling, the only thing you know is that she won’t dress up like a French Maid for him.

        Also, I hate the mall and would never drag my husband there unless we both wanted to go. If he wanted to experiement I’m all for it. Quit lumping all women together to fit your preconceived notions about us.

        Sadly for this guy, he didn’t marry a woman like dear old mom.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 6:03 pm

        I understand men the way you understand women. Maybe we should both take a class together.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 6:17 pm

        Hah, I totally understand women. For starters, this comment board reads exactly as I simply KNEW it would. Actually, there are more than I thought that are bucking the trend, but my what a sex phobic lot so many of you are… Seriously. He’s not even asking for something even remotely kinky…

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 6:39 pm

        Meh, to me you’re just as clueless as the next guy when it comes to women in that you think you know more than you actually do. You are throwing us all into the same pot and stirring it and then you rail at us for doing the same thing to men. I often wonder if you are actually as critical of women in your real life as you are online.

        Also, you can’t attach your value about an act above what the wife’s value of same said act. It would be like me saying Madonna sucks because I don’t like her music. You like Madonna so you wouldn’t agree and in fact, you’d probably vehemently defend her.

        I don’t begrudge this guy for wanting to spice things up but he is seriously fixated on something that she doesn’t want and instead of dropping it, he is making it into a huge issue. The problem isn’t that she won’t dress up, the problem is that they aren’t communicating.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 6:08 pm

        Also, you’d think he’d figure out after eleven fucking years of her saying that she didn’t want to dress up in such a manner he would drop it. Eleven fucking years of your husband pressuring you to do something that made you uncomfortable and ridiculous.

        Other than this one issue, he doesn’t say that she withholds sex from him, only that she won’t dress up (or down) for him.

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      • Portia

        Portia January 7, 2013, 8:01 pm

        I totally agree! And he said, “if only she would do this for me once!” She did. After 11 years of this attitude, I wouldn’t want to do that either, no matter what it was.

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    • TaraMonster

      TaraMonster January 7, 2013, 5:43 pm

      I don’t think he got the kink from cheesy porn. I think he got it from walking in on his mom wearing lingerie for his dad. Call me Freud, I guess! (j/k… kinda!)

      But anyway. I mentioned GGG above as well. Dan Savage talks a lot about how it doesn’t mean just doing what your partner wants no matter what. Being GGG means being sensitive to each other and compromising, and going slow until you get there. It sounds like he’s not doing that. And I also think his wife’s dismissal of people not doing those things in real life is just an excuse to either not have to tell him about body issues or just something to say to get him off her back. Either way, these two sound like they’ve been talking a lot, but not communicating at all.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 5:51 pm

      I think I share your attitude about sex and was also a little bit surprised by some of the comments. I’ve remained quiet because I don’t have any good advice! I wish I could talk to the wife as opposed to the LW (although it’s possible that LW could change the way he asks, as some have suggested).

      I’m trying to figure out what I would do if I was in a similar situation. If I wanted my partner to do something for me that he was reluctant to do, but that would make me really happy…. I think I’d tell him how hot he is and shower him with compliments, both in and out of the bedroom. During sex I’d be extra enthusiastic and make sure he was enjoying himself and focus on him a little bit extra. Maybe a surprise beej or something. And then I’d probably start a little dirty talk while we were doing it – maybe tell him how hot he makes me, and then tell him about the fantasies I’ve been having. I’d start there. Maybe once he was super freaking horny he’d be more willing to try different things. Or maybe we’d work up to it slowly.I dunno. LW, if you’re not already, make sure you’re doing everything in your power to please HER and then maybe she’ll be more willing to do you some favors.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 7, 2013, 9:00 pm

        I wish I could talk to the wife too. We could bond 😉

        For the record of anyone tallying it up: I am with bgm here. It’s not a big fucking deal to put on some lingerie. I have definitely cooked naked (fine I’ve had 3 beers. now y’all get to know these things) and it wasn’t a big fucking deal either. I don’t know how violent you think the average cooking experience is but I didn’t get my shit on anything and I didn’t get any cooking shit on me either.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 9:27 pm

        hahaha. I’ve done a lot of things, but I haven’t cooked naked for a guy. Not because I’m afraid of scalding my labia or anything, but because I don’t really cook. And if I did, I’d want to have sex before we ate because I hate banging on a full stomach. It makes me feel fat and also makes it more likely that I will fart (not sexy). So we’d have to bone before we ate, but then by the time we were done, the food would be cold. It’s all so impractical.

        That said, I’d still do it if my dude was into it.

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      • iwannatalktosampson

        iwannatalktosampson January 7, 2013, 10:13 pm

        Have you met casseroles? Do all the prep and then put that shit in the oven for 45 minutes. Duh – every good housewife knows this.

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      • CatsMeow

        CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 11:23 pm

        Ohhhhh. Now I just have to learn how to make a casserole. And get a casserole dish. And an apron. And a boyfriend.

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    • LM

      LM January 7, 2013, 6:10 pm

      Totally agree! Sometimes it’s just about compromise. LW seems a bit condescending and the wife seems a bit uppity with her “Real women comment…” Really? Real women don’t dress up in sexy stuff? Pre baby #2, I did it! So does that mean I’m not real?

      Regardless of that, there seems to be a serious lack of communication with the both of them and they seem really mismatched.

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    • katie

      katie January 7, 2013, 8:28 pm

      WFS. the comments are very curious to me as well..

      anyway, questions i have:

      1. how is your sex life currently?
      2. in what manner are you asking for her to dress up?
      3. what constitutes “dressing up”?

      the answers to these would change my answer, i think, but overall- sex is about two people. its a give and take always. sometimes you dont want to have sex all that much, but you do anyway because they are in the mood. sometimes, you give your SO a “special treat” that is something you dont really enjoy but are willing to do for them. sometimes, you have to understand that there is something your partner really hates and be willing to never get it. its just all over the place- its never going to be 100% one way or the other.

      but honestly, if this lady has such deep seeded body issues, what better a place would there be to get through those then with your husband of 11 years?

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  • avatar

    MMcG January 7, 2013, 5:40 pm

    LW, you married someone who isn’t comfy doing this sort of thing, and you knew it all along, because you explicitly state it in your second sentence: MY WIFE HAS ALWAYS RESISTED…

    To me this isn’t about gender roles, or whether wives should do X every once in awhile – this is an all too familiar case of someone getting married and hoping/assuming their spouse would change. And guess what, they hardly ever do. If you wanted a more exciting sex life with your wife you should have married a woman who liked role playing and opening the front door in a french maids uniform — but you didn’t marry that woman, and you knew it. Now, either accept her or not, but the begging for over a decade is not fair to either of you. It’s probably humiliating for both you of you at this point, her passive aggressive attempts at “complying” and you mocking her efforts.

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    • landygirl

      landygirl January 7, 2013, 6:10 pm

      Thank you.

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    • avatar

      Sheryl January 7, 2013, 6:47 pm

      i don’t think this is fair. He was probably ok with it the first few years, and its not unreasonable to ask for a little spice after many years. it is unreasonable to expect for her to completely do a 180 and do this all the time without requesting it, which it doesn’t seem like he is doing.

      having to do something she isn’t entirely comfortable (but not completely against) with every few months in the privacy of your own home seems like a reasonable request.

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      • avatar

        MMcG January 8, 2013, 3:31 pm

        @Sheryl: The thing is… if “He was probably ok with it the first few years, and its not unreasonable to ask for a little spice after many years.” then that’s the exact sad scenario I was describing – he was deluding himself into thinking things would change and they didn’t – so he has to accept or move on. Why would you assume after having vanilla sex with your wife for a few years that all of a sudden a tigress was going to open the door for you?

        I have to add, I am totally in support of the other commenters that have questioned how much he has shared with his wife about walking in on his mother and whether that has an impact. There are certain things that should never be shared, and expecting your already resistant wife to play dress up when she knows that it is something your mom has done… that would REALLY creep me out, and leave me as dry as the Sahara instead of wet and looking forward to some fun 😉

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  • avatar

    lbmatthews January 7, 2013, 5:45 pm

    I wonder if the LW will read this far, but if he does, I think I have something to add that no one else has said…

    If it were me (I’m a woman) and I was hesitating to dress up, it would be because I’m embarrassed about my own beauty. I know he says she’s hot, but he also says she doesn’t feel hot. She doesn’t know she’s beautiful. So my question is, does he ever try to make her feel beautiful outside the bedroom? Does he let her know how gorgeous she is when she’s in sweats and needing a shower? Does he let her know her body is wonderful to him no matter what flaws she might be seeing?

    I would never dress up for a man if I didn’t feel beautiful already. I have to feel it, be convinced of it. If I don’t feel beautiful, no amount of pressuring will make me do it or enjoy it.

    If I were him, I’d take three months and not mention the bedroom dressing up at all. Instead, find as many ways as possible separate from sex to communicate how beautiful, how wonderful, how amazing he thinks she is. How he can’t live without her. Fill her “love bucket,” as John Gray used to say. For whatever reason, she’s got some emptiness there. Once she’s satisfied within herself, she’ll be more likely to be eager to satisfy him.

    I had a boyfriend once who I would randomly catch just staring at my face. I’d smile then, real slow, and he’d say, “You are such a beautiful woman.” I knew he felt wonderful that I was his. We had some great times, believe me. It didn’t last for various reasons, but I still love him and I left that relationship much more confident about my beauty than when I went in. It was a real gift.

    The LW has the power to give that gift to his wife. I sure hope he does, it will make their marriage amazing.

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    • kare

      kare January 8, 2013, 1:13 am

      I see your point here…sometimes a girl wants to be told she’s beautiful not hot or sexy.

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    • avatar

      mmmCheesy January 8, 2013, 10:49 am

      This!!! A million times this. Maybe LWs wife is a little bit like me. I don’t have any insecurities about how I look or any body hangups that would make me ashamed. But I am rather shy and bashful when it comes to sex. Not sure why, I don’t have any reason to be, but its just the way I am. My ex never really made me feel beautiful. He would makes comments about how we were both just “averagely attractive,” and we didn’t really share the same style (I’m pretty classic, he was pretty, well, Nick Lachey-esque) so he never liked my clothing choices and didn’t hesitate to tell me so. So when he started complaining that I didn’t do this or that in the bedroom, well, I was done. I DESPISE feeling pressured to do things sexually and can’t stand feeling objectified, especially given my shyness in that area anyway. The pressure, coupled with the fact that he wasn’t making me feel beautiful outside the bedroom really pushed me away to the point that I never really wanted to have sex at all. It hated it.

      I’ve only known my current BF for 6 months, but he tells almost every day that I look really great, or that I look gorgeous tonight, or that he loves my outfit, etc. It makes me feel fantastic. And you know what? I have no hang ups with him when it comes to sex at all. I’m still working up to getting over my shyness, but its happening. I wear some sexy thigh highs under my work clothes if I’m heading over to his place some nights, because I know he likes it. I just bought a hot little black garter belt to wear on said occasions (baby steps people). Because he has put effort into making me feel like I’m a truly beautiful woman, he makes me feel confident. Like I am beautiful to him no matter what – not just that I have a sexy body when I’m naked. In fact, he’s never told me that I’m sexy, have a hot body, or anything along those lines. He never makes me feel objectified, and I really need to not feel that way when I’m with someone.

      I know not every woman is like this, but I sure as heck am, and it sounds like LWs wife may be too. I say try lbmatthews approach for a bit and see where it gets you. It may be baby steps for a while while the wife builds up her comfort level, but hopefully will get you where you ultimately want to be.

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  • avatar

    Lindsay January 7, 2013, 5:52 pm

    To be honest, I didn’t know that real women did those things either. I know it’s in magazines, but no one I know actually takes those seriously. I also have never dated a guy who asked me to wear sexy lingerie or cook naked. But I do tend to date hippies who are fairly simple to please and not into a big fuss. Anyway, maybe she honestly doesn’t think people actually do it. This doesn’t solve anything, but I don’t think it’s necessary to assume that she’s being a bitch or something.

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    • avatar

      ebstarr January 7, 2013, 6:09 pm

      I once read a Cosmo article that said to take a guy’s erect penis and LIGHTLY SLAP it between your palms like a tennis ball.

      Now *that* is something I hope not too many real women are out there trying. Unless the guy gave them very explicit permission first!

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      • avatar

        MissDre January 7, 2013, 9:53 pm

        When I was 17 I read a Cosmo article that said to wrap his balls in saran wrap and hum on them, and that the vibrations would drive him wild. I hope *that* is not something too many women are trying.

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  • avatar

    Sheryl January 7, 2013, 6:40 pm

    i think its important for your wife to step it up and make things interesting for you once in awhile. However, the piece about cooking in nude/apron, is just not realistic for anything more than blue box mac & cheese (and seriously… if you are turned on, are you going to want to eat dinner?) practically, i think it just doesn’t work, unless you are doing it for the experience, and she really is just boiling some eggs or pasta… not really cooking dinner. Or get creative and you can prepare something in advance, and she can do the ‘last touches’ naked before shoving it in the oven, giving you time to play before dinner.

    One suggestion i have is to make it easier for her to do the lingerie meet after work — what IS she doing if she is home before you? Is she cleaning the house? Doing work? Cooking? make those things go away… hire a cleaning lady, so when she gets home, all she has to do is ‘relax and get in the mood’. Plan to get take out, so she doesn’t need to cook. People kept making references to things she wants in the bedroom, but frankly, having a man do the dishes is more of a turn on to me than most other activities. Also, buy her a nice robe she can wear to cover up if the delivery man comes home before you do.

    If you have kids, too, this is just logistically difficult, especially if you want it to be a ‘surprise’. Hire a babysitter, and make an adult fun night. You are going to have to make some compromises, so make some a plan. Bottom line, she should be willing to compromise though, too.

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    • avatar

      mf January 7, 2013, 7:02 pm

      Excellent point about making sure she’s able to “relax and get in the mood” by hiring a cleaning lady, etc. Most people are willing to be more giving (in the bedroom and outside of it) if they see that their partner is making an effort to be giving as well. Maybe the wife needs to see that her husband’s willing to put in some extra effort in order to have great sex and intimacy with her.

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  • avatar

    Lucy January 7, 2013, 7:23 pm

    OK, so now we know two things about you – you don’t know how to take no for an answer, and this whole thing is about playing out your fantasy about your mother.

    I haven’t read the comments so I don’t know whether people are siding with you or not, but it doesn’t really matter whether you’re right or wrong here. You’ve been married 11 years. Your wife has consistently refused this entire time to accede to your requests. You need to accept that this is who she was when you married her and that this is still who she is today. Based on that, decide whether you want to stay married to her or not. If you do, stfu about her dressing a particular way for you, cause it’s not happening. You can get over it, or get out. Cause even if you give her an ultimatum and threaten to leave her over this, and she reluctantly does what you want, is that who you want to be? The guy who bullied his wife into doing something that she – reasonably or not – had made it abundantly clear for 11 years that she had no interest in doing and that made her profoundly uncomfortable?

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  • landygirl

    landygirl January 7, 2013, 7:30 pm

    I like to imagine Wendy with a glass of wine and a bowl of popcorn reading all of these posts. Realistically she’s probably running around after the baby but I can still pretend.

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  • avatar

    You Go Girl January 7, 2013, 7:31 pm

    My husband passed away 10 years ago. Like the LW, my husband also frequently expressed dissatisfaction with how I dressed in the bedroom and nagged me to wear more sexy outfits. I did not like wearing lingerie because the lace was usually very itchy and many styles make even normal-weight women look fat. I was utterly miserable when he gave me a thong for Christmas, because wearing it was so uncomfortable. I wore it once, but refused to wear it again in spite of my husband’s badgering.

    My husband’s nagging made me feel terrible about myself, because what I heard was that I was not sufficiently attractive without lingerie. I also felt like that I was being made into a sex object, and I felt used. This letter reminded me of those feelings, and I have great sympathy for his wife. The problem is not that the LW wants his wife to wear sexy outfits. The problem is that he is badgering his wife to do something she is clearly not comfortable doing, he is treating her like a sex object, and he ridicules her outfits when she does try to dress up to please him. After being told many times that her performance in bed is not up to his standards, his wife is probably very anxious about sex and may be unconsciously avoiding sex altogether.

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    • avatar

      Lucy January 7, 2013, 7:35 pm

      This is a really good post. I hope the LW reads it, because he probably has no clue how his nagging/badgering/begging comes across.

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    • LadyinPurpleNotRed

      LadyinPurpleNotRed January 7, 2013, 7:36 pm

      He doesn’t say that her performance isn’t up to standards…just that he wished that she would dress up a little sexier OCCASIONALLY or cook naked or something.

      I do agree that the way in which he asks her is key.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 8:15 pm

      So, what are you saying? It’s so was all so traumatic you are glad he’s now dead? Hey, that’s harsh, I know, but God was your tone here strange…

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      • theattack

        theattack January 7, 2013, 8:24 pm

        That’s an incredibly crass thing to say. You Go Girl gave a very valid perspective and prefaced it by saying that her husband is no longer around. We all share things about our lives on here with each other. There’s no reason to be so presumptuous about what that means. What a horrible thing to suggest about someone.

        You Go Girl, thanks for sharing your experience as someone coming from the other side of this letter. I hope the LW sees your response, because he could be unintentionally making his wife feel bad.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 8:43 pm

        Eh, maybe it was. I’m in a bit of mood today as I got still more BAD news. Yay!

        That said, somehow, I was expecting her comment to be the usual advice column turn about, you know… “Years ago, my husband used to do a.b.c. and it annoyed me to no end. It made me so irate! But now that he is dead, I’d give ANYTHING to be able to grumble about picking up his socks on the floor…”

        I dunno. I guess I remain just amazed at what some of you consider problems.

        Hell, if my biggest complaint about my significant other was that he thought I was fucking hot and wished I’d show it off a bit more in the privacy of our own home, I’d count my lucky stars… But apparently — to many — having your man think you’re actually sexy is just yet another thing to bitch about. Wow, what a fun crowd.

        I mean, apparently, men can’t win. If they don’t ask you to dress up and wanna sleep with you, they think you are ugly and oh, the rejection is terrible. (Other letters and other comments.) But, if they do want to sleep with you — well, then they just objectify you. And some of you don’t like to be objectified…

        Christ, and here I thought that I was the one who always thought that the glass was half empty. Many of you top even me. It’s not only half empty, but it’s evaporating fast and was probably filled with a lousy beverage that none of you ever really liked to begin with… Ssseeesh.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 8, 2013, 1:57 am

        Wait, let me get out my violin.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 7, 2013, 8:38 pm

        You have issues.

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      • avatar

        You Go Girl January 7, 2013, 9:06 pm

        Bittergaymark always has very harsh comments, punctuated with a lot of four-letter words, and consequently I never read his comments anymore. I am very sorry he is so unhappy.

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      • avatar

        karenwalker January 7, 2013, 11:14 pm

        i enjoy bitter gay mark’s point of view (i often agree with him) and i LOVE 4 letter words; they’re so much fucking fun to say! agree to disagree?

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    • avatar

      karenwalker January 7, 2013, 11:11 pm

      your husband was communicating exactly the opposite. men want to see their beautiful woman in sexy clothes. not because they don’t find her sexy without them, but because it adds to your sex appeal. it’s a complement and it’s meant to be flattering!! if your husband didn’t find you sexy, he wouldn’t have married you! he could see your beauty when you couldn’t – don’t twist his desire to see you in sexy undies into something twisted or ugly.

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  • avatar

    AliceInDairyland January 7, 2013, 7:42 pm

    Ahhh, everyone is reading into this soo much with their individual feelings. And I honestly don’t think we have enough information because we aren’t there in the day to day life. I can see both sides of this and so I can’t really offer up an “answer”

    On the one hand, I understand not wanting to dress up in lingerie. It feels really awkward at first. And on top of that, I understand how much of a turn-off being reminded about something is. Also, being compared to a Ferrari with no gas is also really annoying. That is LITERALLY objectification. 😉 If the wife is being badgered/nagged as much as some of the commenters are assuming than I can’t blame her for refusing to budge.

    However I also can’t imagine being married for 11 years and not having some fun in my sex life. I mean I come at this from the angle of going out to certain clubs in a corset, undies, knee highs, and 4 inch heels. Because it turns the BF on, and that turns me on. But it took quite a few baby steps to really feel comfortable, even if I consider myself at least somewhat conventionally attractive. My boyfriend would offer SUGGESTIONS… and then leave it be.

    If I were the wife, I’d sneak order some lingerie that I felt sexy in. Could be really simple, not too sexy. Then wear it around the house with a NO TOUCHING rule. Do it for a week, do it for 3 weeks. Handcuff him to a chair and wander around doing your thing (this is assuming no children). You want your lingerie.. fine have it. And then maybe at some point the wife would feel confident enough in her new outfit (as his drool drips down to the floor) to progress to more intimate things. Of course that’s the vindictive, smirking, b-i-t-c-h in me.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 8:09 pm

      I see both sides too! On one hand, I think it’s important for couples to try and fulfill each other’s fantasies and to continue to communicate about their sexual wants and needs (within reason – I know some people have limits to what they’ll do!). On the other hand, if LW is badgering or otherwise being a dick about it, then I guess I’d be less than willing to oblige also. If there was a THIRD hand (haha), then on it would be the possibility that there is a completely separate issue at play that makes LW’s wife not want to be intimate with him.

      Also, I like your handcuffs idea. Me-OW!

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      • avatar

        MsMisery January 8, 2013, 12:43 pm

        I think the third possible hand here is that these things might grate on some low self-esteem issue of the wife.

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  • Lyra

    L January 7, 2013, 7:45 pm

    I’ve only skimmed what’s here right now but it sounds like the current responses are all across the board. To me the tone of your letter sounds kind of demanding. I’m guessing she hasn’t been willing to indulge in some of these things for you because of the way it was approached. I’d suggest asking her what she wants from you. Does she want more cuddling? More fancy date nights? More love letters? Does she want you to take on more chores around the house? Offer to indulge in some of these from her and I think she may be more willing to indulge some of your wants. Since you say she doesn’t think she’s as hot as you think she is, let her know how beautiful you think she is. Send her flowers randomly. Leave a love note somewhere where she will find it during the day.

    I don’t think it’s too much to ask for her to indulge in some of the things you’re asking, but don’t expect EVERYTHING. I can understand from her perspective why she doesn’t feel comfortable doing such things. I saw a suggestion above about you dressing up in a suit and taking her out for date night which I wholeheartedly agree with. Let me tell you, there’s nothing sexier than a guy in a nicely fitted suit. If she’s anything like me, a little bit of courting and romance goes a LONG way.

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  • Heather

    Heather January 7, 2013, 8:43 pm

    Alright LW, I’m gonna level with you and say that the tone of your letter comes across as somewhat whiny and all. BUT, do not think (especially because I am a woman) that I don’t think you have a valid concern. You do. And let us all be honest, if this was a woman LW, the responses would be in the vein of “How dare he not be willing to fulfill your needs! MOA!”

    I’ll venture a guess that your wife is probably just uncomfortable because she has a very basic, normal level of insecurity. Truth be told, I do as well. I consider myself a healthy woman sexually, but the idea of enacting a fantasy or whatnot still kind of makes me blush.

    It sound like your sporadic requests have not made an impression. And I honestly don’t think she trying to spite you, as much as doesn’t understand how big of a deal this really is to you. If she read the letter you wrote, I’m gonna guess she would be shocked. So sit down and have a real, adult conversation with her. Let her know that the reason you want her to dress up that way is because you ARE so attracted to her, and try to understand the root of her hesitation. If she does agree, you’ll have to let her take baby steps and be encouraging. If not, then you must decide if this is a deal breaker. Good luck LW.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 7, 2013, 8:50 pm

      True. In addition to cried of MOA… If a man was as disinterested in what his wife wanted sexually, the mass assumption on here would be that he was cheating on her.

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  • avatar

    acastil5 January 7, 2013, 8:50 pm

    I understand your wife’s dislike of babydolls and other sexy lingerie…I feel silly and unnatural. if that was your only fetish we’d have a problem.

    You need to sit your wife down, when sextimes are not gonna happen, and broach this with her. Say you understand her uncomfortableness with dressing up, but her constant passive aggressiveness (i.e. adding one thing to throw the mood) and complete dismissal (no one does that!) is starting to become a serious problem. Be clear this isn’t just about sex, but the fact she can’t meet you halfway on requests that are pretty standard long term relationship vanilla sex stuff says to you that she doesn’t value your feelings or your needs.

    I can’t imagine a life where you don’t pretend to be someone/somewhere else during sex some of the time. I mean for me that would mean constantly having sex on a squeaky bed in an old house in Hyde Park, instead of say, a yacht. If I’m alone in my house I’m in undies. I would just advise your wife not to fry while naked. And oven heat does not feel good on nipples.

    I don’t know what to tell if you she doesn’t want to meet halfway, that depends I guess on how important to you it is, and if you think this is a symptom of a larger problem or a deeper difference in your personalities. I don’t know.

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  • avatar

    feelingroovy January 7, 2013, 9:34 pm

    …I hope you never told her that you accidentally caught your mom dressed up for your dad. If a guy asked me to dress up and shared that anecdote, I’d be WAY to creeped out to oblige his request.

    That aside, the request is perfectly reasonable and I don’t think much of a compromise for her to make. I once dated a guy who was so vanilla that he refused to pull my hair during sex, so I know what it’s like when you think your request isn’t weird, but it’s either a bit outside the other person’s comfort zone or just straight up not something they’re into. Since it’s pretty clear that this stems your wife’s self-esteem problems, it may be a good start to remind her of how attractive she is. Compliments go a long way. Tell her she’s gorgeous, and tell her what’s sexy about her. Hearing that NEVER gets old, even if we already know what our best assets are.

    The best way to approach this is, without a doubt, helping to build her confidence.

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  • CatsMeow

    CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 9:50 pm

    Here’s the thing –

    It’s not always just as simple as reversing the genders and expecting everything to be equal and if it’s not then we’re all just giant hypocrites. The genders are socialized differently and with wildly different expectations when it comes to sex. The typical narrative is that men always want sex, and they are rewarded for having it – the more partners the better. Women are supposed to be sexy but not sexual and we’re often shamed for having or acting on desires. Sex is dirty, and we’re are either sluts or prudes. It’s all changing (s l o w l y), but being bombarded with these messages for your whole life can have an impact on how you view yourself as a sexual being.

    Granted, I think LW’s wife should feel free to explore her sexuality to the fullest with her husband of 11 years who sounds entirely enthusiastic about banging her. But saying we should treat all LWs the same regardless of gender doesn’t always work, especially when it comes to something where the attitudes toward the genders are so disparate (like sex stuff). I don’t think it’s a bad thing for the women here to take that into consideration when formulating a comment. Maybe too many of us can identify with being badgered or harassed by a man to do something we don’t want to do, or made to feel bad for not being “sexy” enough (or too sexy), or having our bodies compared to young Victoria’s Secret models’. In a perfect world, I wish we could treat every LW the same regardless of gender, but right now men and women just come with different sets of societal expectations and sometimes baggage as a result of said exxpectations, and our advice (or how we relate to LWs) is going to reflect that.

    (And for the record, I think the narrative surrounding sex stuff hurts men as well as women – assuming a man always wants sex, or if he’s not interested in sex with his wife then he must be cheating, etc.)

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow January 7, 2013, 9:52 pm

      Oops, that was supposed to be a reply to BGM.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      MissDre January 7, 2013, 9:57 pm

      Really great comment. I 100% agree with you!

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  • avatar

    karenwalker January 7, 2013, 10:00 pm

    Before I read any of the over 200 comments, I wanted to write down my thoughts. Sorry if it’s repetitive.

    `I think that if you were expecting any of the scenarios you described to happen just out of the blue, you’d be a little out of touch with reality. Most women are not greeting their men naked or in lingerie by the door or cooking for them scantily clad. That is definitely not the norm, but I would wager that they are common fantasies. It seems you have expressed to your wife your desire to make these fantasies you have realities. To me, it seems like these are relatively easy fantasies to turn into reality. I think you also seem to grasp that you don’t want your hot wife dressing like a “hot wife” on a daily basis, and I do think she should be able to indulge you a little bit. Maybe she’s not comfortable greeting you in lingerie – she may be worried about neighbors or passers-by getting a peek. Likewise, venturing outside the house without panties may also be outside her comfort zone, and you should be understanding of that. I do think, however, that she could make an effort once in a while to dress the part, and without wearing something that takes the outfit from sexy to comedic. By wearing something ridiculous with something she knows you’d find sexy is a little bit disrespectful to you and it’s akin to saying your fantasies aren’t worth being indulged.

    I don’t know how your conversations with your wife have been. Does she understand you don’t expect this kind of dressing all the time? She may be more reluctant to dress sexy for you if she thinks you’ll want it every day. Also, find out what her fantasies are. What can you do for her?

    Also, don’t mention the thing about your mother to her. If I were your wife and you told me about it I might wonder if your fantasies were a little Oedipal and/or incestuous. I don’t think they are, but it could be misconstrued that way.

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    • avatar

      Kelly L. January 8, 2013, 8:39 am

      Ha, yes. One of my exes had a few types of garments that he found sexy and would badger me to buy and wear, and in almost every case, he’d eventually blurt out that his mom used to wear that style of dress or that style of boots and that’s why he wanted me to wear them. I’m not against dressing up for a guy in general (I do it all the time in my current relationship) but when I want to get sexy, I do not want to remind a guy of the woman who used to change his dirty diapers! That relationship ended up not working out, though it was for different reasons.

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  • avatar

    Louise January 7, 2013, 11:36 pm

    I still think she values you even if your request is being turned down. You know, there are some people who could not do what you like because of their shy personality. If you would throw me with – love conquers all, that’s not all applicable to any person. We have different personality types. Your wife loves you but she isn’t really into fuckin’ apron cosplaying. It’s like making a vegetarian eat meat. Though the vegetarian can eat meat, it’s really against her principles.

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  • fast eddie

    fast eddie January 8, 2013, 8:37 am

    I understand that you want what you want, but your obligated to function within her boundaries. Consider how you’d feel if she demanded something unpleasant of you like being gored with a strap on while your hog tied with a bag of ice around your scrotum.

    If your having sex on a regular basis consider that things could be worse. My (not a hottie) wife has breast cancer which migrated to her lymph system and there’s no cure available. She has monthly injections of an estrogen suppressant that severely reduces her libido and causes vaginal dryness. In the last 10 years we’ve had sex less then a dozen times. Count your blessings and consider yourself lucky.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass January 8, 2013, 11:30 am

      I’m so sorry to hear that, Eddie. I hope that they find a cure and that your wife is as comfortable as she possibly can be.

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  • avatar

    Luuna January 8, 2013, 8:43 am

    You don´t even have to cook naked. It´s a fantasy. It´s enought to just wear sexy lingerie and an apron in the kitchen. You can have the food delivered before hand. You can order pizza afterward. You can cook with your clothes on afterwards. it doesn´t matter. he just wants her to do something sexy every no and then.

    And I don´t think he wants her to do all those things ( going out comando, cooking naked, wearing outfits) he´s just listing a wide variety of things he might like, but she won´t do any of them.

    And the mom thing, I think he only mention it as in ” people do it. Even the most ordinary common people do this kind of things. Even my mom”.

    Anyway, I think she needs to work on her issues, and he needs to be a bit more sensitive in the approach. Take her to a spa, make sure she is relaxed and feeling great, and then she doesn´t even have to wear anything sexy, other than the robes you´ll be given there.

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  • Nookie

    Nookie January 8, 2013, 9:21 am

    Poor guy, it sounds like he really fancies the pants off his wife of 11 years and is trying to be understanding in why she doesn’t have the confidence to dress up for him. I feel for him, and her because it does sound like body issues. If I were him, I’d play up how hot it would be for me to see her dressed up – who cares what other people are doing? It’s a harmless fantasy that would really blow his socks off and maybe he could ask her what things she might like to try. It might not work if she’s shy about this, she might be tight-lipped about her own desires but it never hurts to try? Just tell her how amazing she’d look, over and over until she might start to believe it!

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  • avatar

    Lalalady January 8, 2013, 9:54 am

    When you’re with a partner you’ve been with for years, you should be comfortable with, at the very very least, communicating. Her reasons for not wanting to dress up shouldn’t simply be reactions to or first thoughts about the idea. I’m sure we’ve all had initial thoughts that ended up being unfair reactions to things that have surprised or scared us in first moments. This advice is for her mainly, but I think if the LW is going to attempt to open up communication about this again, he should ask her to thoughtfully explain her problems with wearing sexy outfits. She should be trying to answer deeper questions, and it might take more than a few sentences. It might come down to her feeling uncomfortable or silly — and in that case, they should be working on this together — or it might come down to her not thinking about how important this is to him. “Nobody does this in real life” shows lack of consideration for his desires.

    Additionally, this assumption that he’s “badgering” her is completely unfair. I hate that we’re continuing to categorize people this in this way: men as the ones who “badger” their wives and only think about sex, and women as the ones who have this more cerebral and refined sense of sexuality. It’s not right, and it’s not true. It’s also not her husband’s job to read his wife’s mind. He has communicated what he wants in their sex life, and this is definitely makes a person vulnerable; if she wants more cuddling or date nights or sexy bubble baths in order to feel comfortable giving him this, she needs to let him know!

    When I have been in a long-term relationship with someone who really cares about me, I want to be objectified sometimes. I know my bf loves my massive brain and sparkling personality because that’s reinforced often in our non-sexual interactions — and we respect and admire each other — so I don’t have to be afraid of what he’ll think of me when I dress up or try other new things. But I’m a body, too, and it’s nice to know my body can inspire such primal thoughts! It’s hot that he wants ME to wear the lingerie. This LW desires his wife…not the lingerie alone or the lingerie on a random person or a model. That is not a bad thing.

    Sexual relationships are not just about pleasing yourself. The response, “She doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t want to,” is an incredibly selfish one. And to be clear, I’m not at all saying that his word goes all the time or that women should always do all the things men want or other such nonsense. I’m saying loving partners do what they can to make their partners happy. Sometimes, this means wearing or saying things that make you feel silly; it’s really not a big deal to feel silly or unnatural on occasion. Sometimes this means really challenging and stretching your levels of comfort, and it should be safe to do this with a partner you trust.

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow January 8, 2013, 12:28 pm

      “Additionally, this assumption that he’s “badgering” her is completely unfair. I hate that we’re continuing to categorize people this in this way: men as the ones who “badger” their wives and only think about sex, and women as the ones who have this more cerebral and refined sense of sexuality. It’s not right, and it’s not true.”

      WLLLS

      “But I’m a body, too, and it’s nice to know my body can inspire such primal thoughts!”

      Totally. If my partner tells me how hot I am and how horny I make him, I get hotter and hornier too. Maybe I’m a narcissist.

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    • avatar

      EricaSwagger January 8, 2013, 3:30 pm

      Perfect. Literally can not be spelled out any better. If the LW reads only one comment on this whole thread, I hope it’s this one.

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  • avatar

    MsMisery January 8, 2013, 12:39 pm

    You once, as a teen, surprised your scantily clad mother, and now it’s all you can think about in your married life?? What would Freud say?? I don’t even agree with Freud 97.5% of the time, and this tidbit jumped out at me.

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  • avatar

    SallyS January 8, 2013, 1:07 pm

    I wonder if this guy has focused so much on how “hot” she is and the sexual things he’d like her to do that she’s feeling that that’s the only thing, or the major thing, about her that’s important to him. Just a thought.

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  • Heather

    Heather January 8, 2013, 1:09 pm

    I really REALLY want to know what Wendy’s input on this is. This seems to be the most controversial letter in quite some time.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Wendy January 8, 2013, 1:30 pm

      Well, I think people are projecting all kinds of things onto/into this letter that we don’t know exist based solely on the content. The question the LW had was: “Am I just being unrealistic when I ask her to do these types of things occasionally?” And my answer would be: absolutely not! In fact, if the couple in question has a healthy relationship, it’s astonishing to me that the wife WOULDN’T do some of these things occasionally for her husband’s enjoyment. I mean, what’s the big deal going commando to dinner if it thrills your husband so much? Or, would it really take so much effort to cook dinner in nothing but an apron once or twice a year? Really?

      But then, I suspect there might be more going on behind the scenes than the letter would indicate, otherwise why does the wife have such a hangup? Also, it’s a bit off-putting that the LW mentions his MOM in a letter about spicing up his sex life with his wife, and it makes me wonder if he’s even used that reasoning with his wife: “But my MOM did it for my DAD!!” Ew, TMI.

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      • KKZ

        KKZ January 8, 2013, 2:59 pm

        I’m astonished at how many people say they’re cool going commando in public! And not in a judgey “you all are weird” sort of way but it just surprises me that it’s that popular. I’m personally not a fan and would probably balk if my husband asked me to do it (I’m just physically not comfortable without underwear unless in bed or in the shower). And if he *pestered* me about it after I balked, then I’d definitely be upset and might even react passive-aggressively.

        So maybe that makes the wife’s “no one does that” response more understandable to me, because before reading these comments, I had no idea it was so common.

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      • avatar

        GatorGirl January 8, 2013, 3:13 pm

        I completely agree KKZ. I’ve never gone in public with out underwear and would be very uncomfortable if I did (which would ruin a should be sexy date night). Some women just aren’t fans of the no underwear club. (But I do think the wife should compromise and perhaps wear a lacy thong on the sexy date night.)

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 8, 2013, 7:22 pm

        I’d totally be down with it. But I’m also really open with my body and despite never showing cleavage with my clothes on I’m pretty comfortable with getting naked in front of people.

        And just to gross out anyone who is still reading this- if you think that going pantyless is a strange request, try perineal stretching as childbirth preparation!

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 8, 2013, 3:19 pm

        It’s not remotely astonishing to not do something you’re uncomfortable with, for whatever reason. Full stop. No means no, ya know.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Wendy January 8, 2013, 6:08 pm

        Oh, FFS! This is a spouse we’re talking about here, not some random date asking for a kinky favor. This is a husband asking if his wife would dress up or cook naked or go commando some time. To not step outside your comfort zone on an occasion for the sake of your spouse’s pleasure simply because you just don’t want to IS kind of astonishing. Can you imagine if the LW were a woman writing in saying that she’s been asking her husband over and over to take out the garbage or cook dinner or give her a massage and he won’t do it because he’s not “comfortable” doing that stuff? We’d all be calling him a selfish jerk… and we’d be right.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 6:21 pm

        WWS

        Seriously, more than any in months — this thread made me rethink my entire view of women and NOT in a good way… Some of these comments are just so fucking messed up and so fucking sex negative. Frankly, it’s amazing the whole wide world of men don’t just up and turn gay… 😉

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 8, 2013, 6:53 pm

        Why must you constantly cut down women? Seriously, you’re like a broken record of gender specific insults. Its exhausting.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 7:42 pm

        I’m actually trying to give some of you a much needed wake up call… Whatever. Nevermind. Stay sex negative and prudish and see how much success and happiness that brings you in the relationship department.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 8, 2013, 8:21 pm

        Well, I don’t consider myself sex negative or prudish and frankly I do have a lot of success and happiness in the relationship department. What works for you doesn’t necessarily work for others.

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      • landygirl

        landygirl January 8, 2013, 9:24 pm

        No, you’re being a jerk who gets off on insulting people. If you want to give advice you’re gong about it the wrong way. Don’t worry, I wont bother responding to you anymore since you obviously already know everything there is to know about anything simply because you have a penis.

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      • avatar

        Kelly L. January 9, 2013, 11:51 am

        How did you rethink it? You already didn’t think much of us.

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      • avatar

        Kelly L. January 9, 2013, 11:52 am

        And, mind you, I’m pro-lingerie, pro-sex, and all that jazz–I’m just sick of you genderjacking every thirty seconds.

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 10, 2013, 11:32 am

        You’re comparing household chore requests with sexual requests? How about no. And yeah 99 out of 100 of us might think his requests are harmless, but she’s the 1 out of 100 that doesn’t and isn’t interested. Should she be burned at the stake?

        Now, does she seem to have other issues related to sex considering she doesn’t want much of it? Sure. But in the limited context of the letter, if she’s not interested, she’s not interested. End of story.

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    • KKZ

      KKZ January 8, 2013, 2:18 pm

      It’s really not. A select few people have made it seem way more controversial by responding with extremes.

      I tried to count them, but my numbers got all scrambled, so the following is an estimate:
      The MAJORITY of the commenters said the LW is not being unreasonable to want his wife to wear lingerie.
      A MAJORITY of the commenters also suggested that communication is the problem here, namely that his approach to her might be turning her off the idea instead of persuading her to do it.
      A very small number of commenters told him to suck it up or were otherwise condescending.

      I only say this because I get really frustrated when a certain commenter says “Everyone is taking such and such side” or “all you women are reacting the same because you don’t understand men” and making it all out to be this big controversy, when really, most of the commenters on this advice were more or less on the same page, with some variations and some personal anecdotes about being comfortable cooking (or doing other things) in the buff.

      Little controversy, lots of petty arguing, gross generalizations, and gender-baiting on this thread.

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      • Heather

        Heather January 8, 2013, 2:48 pm

        Whoa, I never indicated that the majority is taking one sad. There are 250 comments and counting and it definitely doesn’t seem like there’s a strong amount of agreement either way. I just wonder where it comes from. I agree that I think some people here are being straight up rude to the LW. And, as I mentioned, I firmly believe if it were a woman LW the responses would be different. That’s what bothers me.

        Having said that, there are so many things none of us know from this letter alone, as it is only from the husbands perspective. And I did think that bit about his mother was very strange.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 3:22 pm

        One thing to consider KKZ, is you are rather late to this party. The tide of the comments turned a bit yesterday. For a while, those that said the LW was out of line WAS the majority… And in a big way. Especially at the top of the thread. A good many of the comments disagreeing with this initial responses were added later…

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  • avatar

    Rachel January 8, 2013, 3:17 pm

    Has this guy ever considered that maybe, just maybe, she might feel objectified in “lingerie”? I know I do. Parading in front of a guy in skimpy anything doesn’t appeal to ME, so sorry dudes. I’m not a dress up doll. Sure it’s great to be GGG with your spouse, unless you’re just plain uncomfortable with whatever the request is, which this guy’s wife obviously is. She is not his mother folks.

    And when was the last time a Man “dressed up” for a woman in bed. Or did anything of the nature of which he wants his wife to do. Men aren’t required to ever wear lingerie, why are women? You’re just going to take it off anyway.

    The wife said no, Many Times. The husband needs to get that through his thick head. If he can’t handle it, find another wife.

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    • avatar

      BettyBoop January 8, 2013, 6:16 pm

      My gentleman friend wears lingerie for me on a regular basis. He often wear sexy underclothes out to dinner or to a party simply to drive me crazy. I disagree with your assumption that men don’t dress up for women in bed and that one’s “just going to take it off anyway.” LOTS on lingerie is made to wear during sex and it’s fun for us!

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 10, 2013, 11:29 am

        The vast majority of straight men definitely do Not dress up “in bed”. And I woudn’t want my guy to as it does nothing for me. If it does for you, that’s awesome. Clearly it doesn’t for this wife.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 10, 2013, 11:36 am

        Women’s lingerie? Or is there male lingerie?

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      • Fabelle

        Fabelle January 10, 2013, 11:45 am

        Since I happened to see this, I feel compelled to enlighten you 🙂

        My boyfriend’s lingerie kink actually extends to himself, as well. So he wears women’s & men’s lingerie. Not like some of the crazier stuff you see on that site I linked, but yeah. At first, I thought it was weird (& it doesn’t do anything for me, btw) but now I’m used to it.

        GGG, in practive! haha

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 10, 2013, 11:58 am

        Wow, good for you! It’d take me a while to get used to that.

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  • Diablo

    Diablo January 8, 2013, 3:29 pm

    I’m really late to the party, and admittedly only read about 2/3 of the comments because there are so many. I have a few thoughts about the comments and the letter for what they are worth.

    1) It’s funny to me that people are referring to a bit of lingerie as a kink. Until you get into leather and spikes, lingerie is all pretty vanilla.
    2) Whether YOU think people do or do not do these things, or whether YOU think they are or are not kinks or too much to ask is utterly irrelevant. This is between the two of them. Yes, the guy asked for a reality check, but that’s irrelevant, too. It’s about the deal they have, and how they communicate and renegotiate that deal.
    3) LTRs are continually renegotiated. You win some and you lose some. I am a lot more kinky now than when i first got with my wife 24 years ago. A lot of stuff was never on the table at first, partly because I hadn’t thought of it, and partly because I was like “Yay! I’m getting laid!” Once you’ve been getting it exclusively from the same person for a couple of decades, you start to need a bit of variation and re-ignition.
    4) There are things that I have come to desire that i never had on the table early on. Am I changing the rules? Yes. Should my lover hear me out about my needs? Yes. Does she have to DO everything I ask for? No. But as in Dan Savage’s GGG rule, she should hear me and try to do what she can see herself doing, just as I would for her. She has also introduced a couple of new variants very recently, much to my surprise and delight, all these years into the marriage. That being said, there are many things I could envision that i know i will never get. There are things that I have asked for that I will never get. It’s too bad, but why make anything like that SO important?
    5) As Wendy said, there is so much we don’t know here. We don’t know how the topic is approached, how he treats her, how she reacts, why she does, etc. There’s a great split screen scene in the movie Annie Hall: Woody and Diane are both with their analysts, and the analysts ask, “How often do you make love?” He says “Almost never; three times a week.” She says “Constantly; three times a week.” We’ve pretty much agreed the problem here is communication, but we have only a sliver of his side of how they communicate.
    6) As with the judgments about kink and the slut-shaming, there is a lot of judgment here about whether he has the right to demand and she has the right to refuse. Even when it is not expressed that way, that’s the tone of many comments. But don’t we all acknowledge that nobody has the right to demand anything sexual ever, and that anyone has the right to refuse anything sexual, always? The problem here lies somewhere between his request and her refusal. Nobody’s “rights” should be on the table if we are talking about a consensual situation. It’s about willingness.
    7) There is also the implication by several commenters that since his request is not all that unreasonable, if she refuses, he should leave. But this is long term. You don’t have to get everything you wish for. But you should get some of what you ask for. That’s life. Sex is very important, but it is still only one dimension of a successful relationship. I spend way more time being friends with my wife than I do boning.
    8) BGM, I hear what you are saying, but this is all about HOW you ask for things, not what you are asking for. Ultimately, if the dude doesn’t find the right way of asking, he’s not gonna get what he wants. Leaving her will also not get him what he wants. No offense, but do you really understand marriage? Do you think I should leave the person who makes me who I am, who makes everything good in my life, whom I’ve shared everything with for 24 (or 11) years, because she won’t indulge some of the nasty shit I’ve thought up? Should I imagine my life as though I am in an AXE commercial? Are you sure your priorities would be the same if you had that much time and heart and love invested? I mean, just how important is it to get every single thing you ask for? Do you get that from your life? Cuz I just try to do OK, and get some of the good life, and I think I am happy. (If someone knows for a fact that I am not happy, please let me know. I don’t want to seem like a fool!)

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    • avatar

      rachel January 8, 2013, 5:54 pm

      *slow clap*

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    • landygirl

      landygirl January 8, 2013, 6:05 pm

      If you’re going to mention Woody Allen, this is one of my favorite scenes from Sleeper

      Dr. Melik: This morning for breakfast he requested something called “wheat germ, organic honey and tiger’s milk.”
      Dr. Aragon: [chuckling] Oh, yes. Those are the charmed substances that some years ago were thought to contain life-preserving properties.
      Dr. Melik: You mean there was no deep fat? No steak or cream pies or… hot fudge?
      Dr. Aragon: Those were thought to be unhealthy… precisely the opposite of what we now know to be true.
      Dr. Melik: Incredible.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo January 9, 2013, 11:47 am

        OK then, from Love and Death:

        Napoleon: Do you admire me as a man?
        Diane Keaton: I think that’s your best bet.

        Of course, it was easier to like Woody before he starting doing his adopted daughter. Trust the art, not the artist.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass January 8, 2013, 6:35 pm

      That is excellent. Pretty much everything that I have been trying to say, but in a much less hormonal way.

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    • bittergaymark

      bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 6:39 pm

      Look, for starters, I would never get involved with somebody so sexually repressed as this LW, so it’s a bit hard for me to answer your question, Diablo. But your thesis is flawed. We aren’t talking nasty shit here, we are instead talking about the most vanilla of sex fantasies…. That so many find his desires outlandish is quite illuminating to me. I mean, hey, who knew Dear Wendy was so big among The Amish?

      At any rate, if my partner was suddenly so not interested in banging me — I would present him with two clear options.

      1) we go our separate ways.

      2) we open things up and start sleeping with other people.

      For me, it’s truly that simple.

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      • Diablo

        Diablo January 9, 2013, 11:55 am

        I certainly agree that lingerie is not a hardcore kink, and certainly wouldn’t qualify as a “fantasy” for me, unless we added more detail on what the girl in lingerie and I were doing. But everybody has their levels. You and I both grew up in unsophisticated places where sex is still thought of as “dirty” (particularly if you’re doing it right).

        My point was that if I asked my wife to do that and she wasn’t interested, it couldn’t be important enough to totally undo the whole life we’ve made. Maybe because it just isn’t that important to me. But I try to look past clothing, lingerie, the superficial stuff, and try to think of the actual pure unsullied nudity that we all carry with us everyday. Did that sound as much like a Hallmark card as i wanted it to?

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  • avatar

    Original Letter Writer January 8, 2013, 8:30 pm

    I am the husband who wrote to you about my wife. It is interesting to see the follow up comments and all the things injected into them. But, I understand that people only have my letter to work off of for information.

    In my original letter, I only brought up my mother because it was a direct example that I could point to that these things do not ONLY occur on tv or in the movies, as my wife claims. It shows that real people do these things for their partners. Also, it’s an example I only very recently even remembered. So, it’s not like I’ve been using this as an example for 11 years. There is no complex involving my mom, rest assured.

    We do have a child now. I understand what it is like to help out with household duties and whatnot – that’s also not the issue here. Does either of us do all the housework that the other wishes they would do? Probably not, but that’s not what this is about. I understand that she is tired on certain days and doesn’t even want sex. I can live with that. But, these issues go back years and years.

    In the past 12 months alone, I have had seven or eight serious, sit down conversations with my wife about sex. During the last conversation, I even went through things one by one – asking what she was comfortable doing and what she wasn’t comfortable doing. I can live with her decisions if they are reasonable and we discuss this.

    However, at the end of each conversation on this matter, I leave our talk thinking that maybe we FINALLY are on the same page… Only to have things go back to the usual refusals when I remind her of what we discussed, and to ask if she’ll dress up or wear something. I do not ask for her to dress up every time. But, I will admit that my requests are coming more often recently because I’m just tired of the situation.

    My wife admitted during the last conversation that sex isn’t important to her. She apparently has never had an orgasm, and is not interested in trying to get one. Oral sex is a no no. And, I had been married 10 years before she finally spread her legs for me to get a view down there. Explaining that men are visual creatures does no good.

    I also have offer to dress up in a tie and slacks to go out for dinner, if she wore a nice dress. No go…

    I wrote my original letter because I told her I would write for advice. I wanted to show her that REAL people do these kinds of things in their bedroom. The kitchen thing and no underwear thing were just other examples that popped into my head. Maybe they were unrealistic teen fantasies. But, is that really so bad?

    I also didn’t mean to sound like a jerk with the Ferrari comment. After I sent the letter, I regretted including that statement.

    Anyway, I’m about to give up on the entire matter totally. I’m not going to get what I want, and that is apparent. But, I guess I wanted some validation that I could show my wife to illustrate that I do not feel like I am being unreasonable.

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    • avatar

      Trixy Minx January 8, 2013, 9:01 pm

      I think you’re pretty reasonable. For example.. one of the things I’ll do to my bf is if we are out to dinner, just as we sit down, I’ll send him a naughty picture text that he has to visualize the entire dinner. People really do those things.

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    • avatar

      Caris January 8, 2013, 9:02 pm

      No, you are not being unreasonable.

      If I were in your place, kid and all, I guess I would just divorce. 😐

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 10, 2013, 11:26 am

        You would DIVORCE over this? Wow that’s insane.

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 10, 2013, 11:36 am

        Refusing sex is a grounds for divorce, a pretty reasonable one if you ask me.

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    • katie

      katie January 8, 2013, 9:07 pm

      not unreasonable.

      was she always very uninterested in sex? because if this wasnt normal, i would try to get her back into loving sex just for her sake… it could be so many things- does she need help with childcare/household chores to be able to “relax”? is it a hormonal problem? thyroid? is she unhappy in her job, social life, extended family, ect? depression?

      does she understand that sex is an important part of YOUR life? does she understand the repercussions if you two dont have a fulfilling sex life?

      and, finally, have you breached the subject of an open relationship? that could work very nicely for the two of you if this is reality…

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 9, 2013, 9:41 am

        does she understand the repercussions if you two dont have a fulfilling sex life?

        THIS. There are repercussions. A marriage must have this kind of intimacy. Not daily, or even weekly, but it has to. Maybe therapy. I hate to jump to divorce, especially because she can choose to change this. Sounds like this guy is reasonable, has tried talking (I don’t love the idea that he wrote in just to prove her wrong, but after all the talking, I can’t say I blame him).

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    • CatsMeow

      CatsMeow January 8, 2013, 9:15 pm

      Aww. I’m sorry, LW. I understand that everyone has limits and boundaries, but I personally didn’t think your request was anywhere remotely near unreasonable. If you’ve told her how important this is to you and she refuses to acknowledge your needs and concerns, or at least meet you halfway, then maybe you should go to couples counseling or something. Maybe she would benefit from individual counseling as well, if she has so many hang-ups about sex. In any case, you 2 need to get to the bottom of this!

      And no orgasms? EVER? I wish I could buy this woman a vibrator. She doesn’t know what she’s missing!

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      • avatar

        BettyBoop January 8, 2013, 11:01 pm

        I second counseling. Particularly in finding a sex positive counselor that you can see separately and together. It can be very difficult to get over sex/body issues and it’s unlikely to be something you can work on just the two of you.

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    • avatar

      Lucy January 8, 2013, 9:35 pm

      You’re not being unreasonable. But surely you know on some level that your wife isn’t going to do a 180, and that it actually has nothing to do with whether you’re reasonable or not. That’s just what she says to get you to go away. I suspect that the more conversations you have with her about it, the more she digs in her heels.

      If sex isn’t important to her, she shouldn’t mind if you get your fantasies fulfilled elsewhere.

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    • avatar

      lemongrass January 8, 2013, 9:41 pm

      This paints a different picture than your original letter does. I definitely think you should go to couples counselling. Sex isn’t the most important part of a marriage but it IS important to be on the same level. This isn’t just about a certain fantasy- it’s about wanting someone equally interested in the sex that you are having and that is a big difference.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 9:56 pm

        ah, see, i guessed all of this if you scroll back through my comments.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 8, 2013, 10:09 pm

        You guessed right. I responded to his original letter the way it read to me. Then when faced with more information I changed my opinion. I think that is a pretty rational way to respond.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark January 9, 2013, 5:33 pm

        No, it was very clear in the way he wrote the letter. Many on here went crazy projecting their own hangups and experiences into the letter. It was VERY obvious from his tone that he wasn’t doing any of the things many here IMMEDIATELY leaped to him doing… It was also very obvious that his wife had ZERO interest in sex. It’s called subtext.

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      • avatar

        lemongrass January 9, 2013, 6:52 pm

        I can’t speak for others- because there are a lot of people commenting that did take it too far, it wasn’t obvious to me that she had no interest in sex. It was to you- good for you. To me, his original letter read that he was getting regular sex just not extra-special bonus sex. Perhaps that is me projecting my own experiences. But those are the only experiences I have to gather information from.

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    • avatar

      GatorGirl January 9, 2013, 8:36 am

      I second (or third or fourth) the idea of going to counseling. You’re wife reaction to sex is not the norm. I think some personal counseling would be very beneficial for her, and some couples sex counseling would be beneficial for both of you.

      And please buy her a vibrator. Something small, unintimidating, approachable (perhaps for external use only). Orgasms are a wonderful thing and she will definitely want amp up your sex life once she’s experiencing them!

      And, you’ve never clarrified the “dress up” comment. Are we talking a sexy/lacy nighty or a full on school girl get up?

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    • avatar

      la-mer January 9, 2013, 2:44 pm

      Okay, I just have a few general points to make, and I hope you bear with me through the full extent of them:

      (1) Dressing up is a kink. As far as kinks go, it’s a pretty vanilla kink but that doesn’t mean that it floats everyone’s boat. I had an ex-boyfriend who desperately wanted me to do housework naked… wash dishes, cook, vacuum. He begged and nagged and finally I did it, but I hated it and how it made me feel cheap and dirty. It was his kink and that’s fine, but for me it was a dealbreaker. It felt like being objectified into this 1950s housewife pin-up fantasy and it made me incredibly uncomfortable and unhappy, no matter how how “hot” he told me I was when I did it. Just because he said it was hot didn’t mean that I felt like it was hot. Sometimes kinks don’t align. Not everybody is turned on by the same things, and no matter what some people might think, that’s okay.

      (2) However, having wildly disparate sex drives in a relationship is a legitimate and serious problem. You aren’t crazy for wanting this fantasy, but it sucks that it’s something that she doesn’t want to do.

      (3) Have you guys always been on such different pages regarding frequency of sex?

      To play armchair doctor here briefly– if this is a new development for her, something may be wrong. She may have depression, or a thyroid condition, or any number of other medical causes that are depressing her sex drive.

      If it’s not a new development, you need to consider that maybe she’s never felt that interested in sex and has been convincing herself for years to just go ahead and “do it” because she (I imagine) loves you, and that’s what people who are in love “do”. And sometimes people aren’t that interested in sex. She may be asexual. It doesn’t make her less of a person and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you (again, I assume), but some people just don’t have a quantifiable amount of sexual desire. And they’re not interested in it. This is a real thing. >>

      Sometimes an asexual person will find more physical satisfaction in holding hands, kissing, or cuddling than they do in the actual act itself. Is there a middle ground of sexual activity that you and your wife can find?

      (4) If indeed your wife is completely uninterested in sex for causes that look like they’re going to be insurmountable: Is lack of sex a relationship dealbreaker for you? For some people it is. For some people it isn’t. But everyone has to be on the same page, or things are only going to get bitter. I think you guys should seek counseling. I don’t mean it as a snarky throwaway comment, but if you love her and she loves you, but her lack of desire is throwing a wrench in your emotional/romantic feelings as well as physical feelings, then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you. And, if there’s any way to broach the subject thoughtfully and kindly, she may be well served by seeking counseling on her own. Whether or not her lack of desire stems from physical, mental, or emotional issues, I’m pretty sure she’s going to be feeling just as unhappy as you are in this situation.

      Women are generally not bitter and manipulative creatures determined to marry a man in order to immediately and selfishly withhold sex and suck out all the money and happiness from his life, no matter what BGM seems to think.

      (5) The thing that bothered me about your initial letter is that her needs are as important as yours. And you shouldn’t have to nag someone into sex. You should be with someone who enjoys being with you. Speaking from previous experience, being nagged into sex doesn’t make me want to do it. It made me feel stubborn and resentful. She doesn’t owe you sex just because you’re married. To go down that line of thinking is a twisty and bad road. She’s not selfishly withholding sex as a punishment to make you unhappy. For whatever reason, it makes her unhappy and she doesn’t want to do it.

      (6) You deserve someone who makes you happy. And so does she. I hope you two seek counseling and either work this out, or maturely move on.

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    • avatar

      Rachel January 10, 2013, 11:25 am

      7 or 8 serious sit downs in the last year alone and she Still says no? I do believe that 1. You need to stop badgering your wife! and 2. No means no, Obviously! She’s not interested, deal with it!

      Ugh, Men! 8 times! Some men just can’t take no for an answer the first time. Ugh.

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      • avatar

        Rachel January 10, 2013, 11:37 am

        Counseling, get some!

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      • avatar

        lets_be_honest January 10, 2013, 11:37 am

        Deal with it how though? Just give up on having sex, ever, with your spouse? Don’t you think that’s ridiculous?

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark January 8, 2013, 8:58 pm

    Sorry to hear about your situation. It’s beyond sad. Honestly, I would advise counseling. And if sex remains so utterly unimportant to her — talk about opening up the marriage. Seriously. She is giving you the rawest of deals and this is precisely why I recommend banging the HELL out of somebody BEFORE you marry them.

    If she won’t open things up… eh, I dunno. I would seriously look into divorce. Life is short. And if she won’t make any effort, why the fuck should you?

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    • Diablo

      Diablo January 9, 2013, 12:27 pm

      LW, I have to say, seeing your second set of comments, it’s too bad. There is definitely a gap between my fantasies and what my wife is willing to do. But she is more willing to hear me and try to meet me halfway. Like BGM, I probably would not have gotten involved with someone who was as far from my needs as your wife appears to be. And it looks like you’ve made good efforts to talk things through.

      In my previous remarks, I noted that our expectations have nothing to do with your marriage, but after reading your last, here’s my reality check. I think my wife is quite demure about sex. After 24 years, she is still shy about talking very bluntly about some things. But ten years to get a view of the business? I didn’t have to wait 10 minutes once all systems were go, as they say.

      What I think may be irrelevant, but I would not be prepared to continue in your situation. Like some other commenters, I would wonder whether your wife knows how serious this is. Good luck, bud.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom January 9, 2013, 5:06 pm

    This is so difficult. You and your wife are sexually incompatible and if you weren’t married I’d tell you to move on and find someone who is a better match. But, you are married and you have a child together. It is very easy for everyone to say that you should get a divorce but in practice that isn’t easy. Especially as a man you would probably not get physical custody of your child and would, at best, be a visitor in the life of your child. If your wife remarried, some other man would spend more time with your child than you would. Is it worth being a visitor in your child’s life to potentially gain a better sex life?

    You and your wife are so far apart on sex that I don’t know what you can realistically do. It doesn’t sound like she enjoys sex or gets much of anything out of it because she has never had an orgasm. That probably means, from her point of view, that sex is all for you and something she is required to do for you. From her point of view, the fact that she has sex is probably meeting you halfway since she is getting nothing out of it for herself.

    There is a huge underlying problem here and maybe counseling could get to the root of it. Something like she was abused as a child or she has internalized the idea that sex is bad and good girls don’t enjoy it or maybe she comes from a fundamentalist Christian background and is lesbian but can’t even entertain the idea because she believes homosexuals will go to hell.

    I hope you can get her to go to counseling but you will probably have to put in all of the effort to get there. You will have to be the one to find a counselor and the one to find a babysitter and the one to make the appointments and the one who makes sure you both make it to the appointments. If this is important to you and not to her you’ll be the doing all of it.

    I do really wonder if she has no interest in sex because she isn’t attracted to men. You could ask if she finds men’s bodies attractive or likes the feel of a penis against her body or inside her. I don’t know if she would be comfortable answering questions like these but you can try. Has she ever shown an interest in sex? That will tell you lots.

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  • avatar

    Frank August 29, 2017, 2:26 pm

    My wife of almost 20 years is the same way. And all I ask for is she wears pantyhose. She doesn’t refuse, but doesn’t wear them either. Makes me feel like I’m a perv when i ask. I used to ask more often but now its rare cuz sometimes she’d say yes, and get me all excited about it and look forward to it all day. Then ends up not wearing them and when I ask why she’ll say she changed her mind and doesn’t feel like it now but still expects me to be in the same mood. I asked her last week and she did that. And the time before that
    I asked was months ago. First, why should I have to ask, ever? Can’t she take a teeny bit of initiative to please me knowing what I like? 20 years of marriage I’d think she’d try a little harder. Shes never ever worn them on her own, never once in 20 years has she worn them without me asking her. I cater to her needs all the time.

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