Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “Our Wedding Is Ruining Our Relationship!”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

My boyfriend and I are getting married in just under nine weeks and it has become a massive struggle. We are paying loads of money for last-minute things (clearing the balance for the reception, the photographer, etc), which means we can’t go out or do anything spontaneous like order a pizza, which has been hugely stressful and depressing for both of us. We were both unemployed for a long time and started saving up for the wedding soon after we got jobs, so we didn’t really get to enjoy having money properly. We both said that in retrospect we would have liked to elope or have a tiny ceremony with just our immediate families there, but it’s too late to change things now; the invites have been sent, the non-refundable deposits have been paid.

In addition, my fiancé works nights and I work days, so we only see each other on weekends. When I try to talk to him about wedding stuff, he brushes it off and says he just wants to relax, which I completely understand – all I want to do is relax too, but with nine weeks to go, we should really be sorting out last-minute little things so we can relax and enjoy the weeks leading up to the big day. I don’t want to nag him all the time but it’s stressing me out because it feels like nothing is getting done!

Unfortunately, because this is all hanging over our heads, we have been arguing loads and it’s been horrible. I’m looking forward to getting the wedding over and done with more than anything else. I’ve even had second thoughts because it seems like it would be easier to avoid all this hassle and just enjoy myself! He really is a wonderful man and I’m so looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him but all he seems to do lately is annoy me (and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way about me) and we don’t have the money to go out and escape each other! What do we do? — Stressed-out Bride

56 comments… add one
  • avatar

    darden July 11, 2011, 3:10 pm

    Sucks to be you.

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      spaceboy761 July 11, 2011, 3:49 pm

      On Avenue Q!

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        Desiree July 11, 2011, 4:24 pm

        Best musical ever! Or at least the one that made me laugh the most.

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      • landygirl

        Landygirl July 11, 2011, 5:31 pm

        I concur, I love that show!

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    • avatar

      Kasia July 12, 2011, 9:33 pm

      Sorry, darden, but you are an ass. That is not at all a helpful reply. If you don’t have something meaningful to contribute then don’t post anything at all.

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    • avatar

      Susan February 19, 2017, 12:42 am

      Clearly you’ve never been in this position DARDEN you living pile of shit. You’ve never watched your relationship crumble over what should be the best day of your life. You useless waste of space.

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      • avatar

        Ron February 19, 2017, 9:32 am

        Seriously, you logged onto a 5-year old thread to call someone a living pile of shit? And no, most people do not look back upon their wedding as the happiest day of their lives. For this couple, it is extremely stressful as they have come to realize the total sense of misplaced priorities which their wedding has become. It is literally devouring their lives and their relationship.

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 3:17 pm

    Ok, 9 weeks isn’t really that last-minute, so don’t panic.

    Money problems suck, and I totally hear you on that. What you need to do is set aside some time to spend with your fiance where you don’t talk about the wedding. AT ALL.

    If you can’t order pizza, try making it together from scratch. Go for a walk. Rent a movie and snuggle on the couch. Make a “no-wedding Sundays” rule or something. In other words, stop worrying about the wedding and just enjoy being together.

    I know it’s easier said than done, but is it the end of the world if anything goes wrong? You’ve already decided this giant wedding isn’t what you want, so are you going to let it take over your life? If you don’t care that much about it, just let things unfold as they will.

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      silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 3:44 pm

      Also, if you need some space, LEAVE. “Going out” doesn’t have to cost money, you know! When I need to get away from my roommate/SO/mom, I just head to Starbucks. Take a book or your laptop, buy a small drip coffee for $2 and sit for as long as you’d like. You can also do this at the park or bookstore, or wander around the mall.

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      • avatar

        Red_Lady July 11, 2011, 9:45 pm

        And if you have a registered Starbucks gift card and use it 5 times, you can get free refills on your drip coffee!

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    • avatar

      LT July 11, 2011, 4:31 pm

      I agree. Make a conscience effort to take a date night. This doesn’t need to be expensive. Heck go for a long walk! Focus on why you’re doing the big wedding to begin with. The rest? Frankly it’s all expensive BS.

      Also my boyfriend and I do something called “island time.” We basically each take a couch (our own island if you will) and veg, surf the net, trade off watching TV. It’s a me-time refresher, and every couple needs quiet time.

      Finally don’t panic. Many a bride have survived their wedding days.

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 11, 2011, 5:11 pm

        I definitely agree- set aside a date night and make it a wedding free zone. And set aside time where both of you focus on wedding things that need to be sorted out. There’s a ton of stuff that can be done at little or no cost to just relax. Check out your area and find out free stuff to do.

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    SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:25 pm

    Weddings make people crazy. Try to keep in mind that it’s almost over.

    I would suggest letting go of some of your expectations for a flawless event, that might ease some of your stress right away. I went to a wedding this weekend where the bride’s little brother had to make a last minute errand to find the forgotten cake topper and totaled her car. And it was pouring rain. No matter what you do, it will not go off perfectly, without a hitch so just… relax. Your guests will not hate you if the ceremony starts 20 minutes late or the cake has buttercream instead of cream cheese frosting.

    Next, I would say to carve out a set number of hours that you will spend on your wedding a week, from here until the wedding. Just like working a 40 hour week, don’t work overtime. Time outside of that is to be used to relax, enjoy your time with your almost husband. Setting a limit will make you more productive during the hours you do devote to planning and able to enjoy the time you don’t spend planning because you already know you have done your hours for the week.

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    • avatar

      oldie July 11, 2011, 3:35 pm

      Very good advice. I have nothing to add to help LW, but this should be a cautionary tale for others contemplating marriage. Scrimping and splurging money that is better spent on a down payment for the house you will live on is really dumb. A lot of young couples succumb to the promotional efforts of the wedding industry. It is a very large business and it depends upon inducing or shaming young couples to spend far more than they can afford on a one-day event. Focusing upon planning the intricacies of a fancy wedding versus focusing on planning your future life together is a poor choice. There is a lot to be said for elopements or small, simple weddings.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:41 pm

        So very true. One of my other friends at the wedding this weekend kept saying little things about how small or informal this wedding was (which was all they could afford) and how she wanted such big, fancy things. I was just imagining the total cost for her black tie, 3 sit down course, wedding with string quartet ceremony and DJ reception… and all these other things she wants, that are so unneccessary and besides the point of the day which is to get married, not impress your friends.
        Personally I’m more impressed when people manage to trim their expectations, tastes, and guest lists to the price they can afford.

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      • avatar

        honeybeenicki July 11, 2011, 5:10 pm

        I’ve been to some crazy all out weddings and some smaller, simpler weddings and generally… they’re both the same amount of fun. I went with a middle-of-the-road wedding. We spent quite a bit on the location and food, but went hand made for many things – center pieces, invites, etc and loved it. We did have a sit-down meal, but only because at the venue (we had to use their caterer) it was cheaper by about $10 a plate than the buffet!

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  • avatar

    Maracuya July 11, 2011, 3:29 pm

    If money is so tight you can’t order a pizza, then scale back further. $1 redbox rentals! Spaghetti and sauce in a pot! ($3 sauce + $1 spaghetti + 1 onion + 1 tomato = cheap.)
    It’s more about the quality time and less about the cost.

    Have a frank talk with him about how, yeah, you both realized what a hassle this wedding turned out to be, but you guys just need to soldier on through together, and could he help you? Maybe don’t do it on weekends, but have a list of tiny things to do so before he heads out to his night shift and you head out to your day shift you can get one thing done each? And delegate to your family members if you can 🙂 Try not to stress too much, because in 9 weeks you’ll be married! And it won’t matter if the day wasn’t perfect.

    Good luck!

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      SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 3:38 pm

      I like you’re idea of getting him onboard crossing just one thing off the list while she’s at work. I think its hard for alot of men because they didn’t have any specific ideas of what they wanted their wedding to look like, and are content to stay out of the bride’s way while she plans; maybe if you offered him concrete assignments he would be willing to help, but doesn’t want to sign on for all the random things he hasn’t even thought of.
      Also by working nights, he is probably home awake in the daytime for a couple hours. When I work nights I often make phone calls to businesses in these early morning hours… most open at 8 or 9 and aren’t grumpy the way they are when you call at your lunch break or slip in under the wire at 5pm, right before they close. If he could call one vendor a week for you right after work, based on when you need to confirm different details, then that would help you out in a major way because these things need to be done during normal business hours while you are at work.

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      • avatar

        Fairhaired Child July 12, 2011, 1:14 am

        I also work nights and my BF works days (we try to spend at LEAST 3 hours an evening together but that doesn’t work out if I don’t go to be shortly after getting off work, and i’m stil SUPER tired ). So we have a “Honey Do” board. Its a clear piece of glass (from IKEA) that can be fixed to the wall and you can use dry erase markers. I got these at first because i wanted “changing art pictures” but now we use on for a list of whatever. It says at the top “Honey Do” and then its seperated into three blocks, first is his block with a 1,2,3 and he can write in anything or I can with deadlines or not. And then my block with a 1,2,3 where he or i can write anything with deadlines or not. Then a third block with a 1,2,3 that says in red letters THE BILLS DUE ARE: BY: and we can write whose bill it is, what the amount is, and when the due date is.

        It’s worked out great because if I don’t finish dishes in the morning when I get off work I can put it on my list for later, or he can erase it off my list and put it on his for when he gets home from day shift. Its usually comments like “Laundry by Saturday, Dishes by tomorrow, clean bunny litter box, pick up stamps from post office” whatever!

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    artsygirl July 11, 2011, 3:45 pm

    Take one moment….inhale and exhale…I am sorry you are dealing with pre-wedding stress but just try to remember the wedding is not the most important event, rather I would fix the problems in your relationship so you will have a healthy marriage. It sounds like you are burned out, stressed out, and financially maxed. Because it sounds like you are highly organized and driven and your fiance likes to let things happen more organically you are running into some conflicts.

    If I was in your shoes I would make a list of all that has to be done in the next nine weeks in order of importance. I would then write down which things have to be done by you, by him, or by both of you. That way you can have everything written down to show him what still needs to be accomplished – think of it is as premarital honeydo list. Also, then it will not seem like you are harping on him and not doing anything yourself (most grooms do not realize how much the bride does).

    Also maybe you could buy a cheap bottle of wine (might I suggest 2 buck Chuck from Traders Joes) or some inexpensive craft beer that you can share while you create favors, finalize seating chart, or work on your music list. Try to change your attitude from “OH MY GOD WE ARE GETTING MARRIED IN 9 WEEKS AND WE HAVE TO GET X, Y, AND Z DONE NOW!!!” to ‘we are going to get married and so long as we accomplish that everything else is scenery’.

    Good luck LW and congrats on your marriage!

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 3:52 pm

      Ooh! Wedding To-Do List Drinking Game! Ooh!

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  • avatar

    Colleen July 11, 2011, 3:50 pm

    You’re probably pros at having fun without money, but right now you really need some special wedding-free time together. Being able to relax and enjoy each other’s company will make the next two months easier on you both and will enhance your teamwork and communication to power through the rest of the wedding to-dos. So have a special date, even if it’s free. Make spaghetti at home, but eat by candlelight. Dress up in something fancy or sexy, even if you don’t have the energy for extensive sexytime (but try to have at least a bit of that!). Take a walk, rent a movie, go for a beautiful drive, have a picnic, trade massages, create art or music, play frisbee… and whatever you do, focus on your everyday relationship and not this big looming wedding. If you do something active together, the exercise will help your well-being even after the date is over.

    In addition to finding some non-wedding, free fun time with your almost-husband, it sounds like you could also use some relaxing time with a friend. Spend a couple of hours with someone who can help you gain some perspective and blow off steam.

    Ease the stress at home by lowering your expectations about meals, cleaning, etc. When you make dinner, triple the recipe so you have leftovers to quickly reheat. You’ve only got nine weeks, so it’s okay to slack off a bit on other things to get the work done.

    And just like others have said here, remember that you’re getting married! The wedding is a big stressful event (when else in your life will you ever throw a party this big and complex?) but it’s really about celebrating your love. That can happen without perfectly-calligraphied name cards or flawless centerpieces. If at this point you have some optional things that you just don’t have the energy or money for, ditch them. Don’t drive yourself insane about little details that don’t really matter in the big scheme. Nearly any bride will tell you that after the wedding, any imperfections fade away. So just hang on and know that in nine weeks this will all be over!

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  • avatar

    PFG-SCR July 11, 2011, 3:57 pm

    The first thing you need to do is calm down. If the invitations are out, and you’re paying the last of the balances on the reception facility, photographer, etc., then you’re in good shape with two months left to go. Not that it’s ideal, but people plan weddings in that short amount of time.

    So, take a deep breath and relax. I realize there is a lot going on right now, but you need to break it down to figure out what exactly is causing you stress. If you’re not already organized with all of the wedding stuff, get organized. Make a list and see how little you likely have left to do, or to determine that you have more than you originally thought. Having something written will be ideal when discussing the wedding with your boyfriend – instead of saying, “Let’s talk about the wedding,” be specific with what you need to cover with him.

    At this point, it sounds like you’re locked into the costs of your wedding, which is leaving you strapped for cash. But, there’s plenty to do as a couple that doesn’t require much, if any, money. (DearWendy even wrote an article some months back.) If you’re finding the two of you are feeling disconnected due to all the wedding planning, focus on one another and just spend some time together without discussing wedding plans. The best way to relieve stress and reconnect with your significant other is to have sex, so if that’s been lacking lately, a concerted effort to be more intimate will greatly help both of you and your outlook.

    If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a step back and remember that the wedding is a one day event, but the most important aspect of it is to marry the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. I’m assuming your “second thoughts” are just due to feeling stress, but if you think they are “true doubts”, you need to work through those, and if necessary, cancel or postpone the wedding. The loss of deposits is an inconvenience, but the mistake of marrying the wrong person will have much longer lasting financial and emotional ramifications.

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki July 11, 2011, 5:14 pm

      I agree with your first paragraph. I planned mine for quite some time, but at nine weeks I was still in the “oh we have PLENTY of time” mode. Of course, when my hand made centerpieces weren’t finished with only 4 days to go, I might have panicked a little tiny bit.

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  • avatar

    SGMcG July 11, 2011, 4:17 pm

    Man, I remember that last minute rush in getting everything done for your wedding in time so that you can have the perfect day. Nine weeks isn’t a lot of time, but it’s not too bad an amount of time. First, how about talking to your fiancé and ask him what aspects of the wedding are important to him. Maybe he won’t like flowers, but maybe he wants to deal with music playlists? Those things that are extremely important to him, ask for his input on them. Those others that aren’t – let him know that you’ll be handling them and if he wants to provide any input on them, to do so now before you make decisions on them.

    From what he feels is important and what you feel is important, dismiss anything that doesn’t place any importance with the two of you as small stuff and forget about them. If you boyfriend is one of those types who MUST relax – negotiate some relaxation time within the planning time. There are two days in a weekend – one day can be your wedding planning night and the other can be your causal (and free) date night…as long as the wedding stuff gets done.

    If you haven’t recruited help in your wedding planning – start asking for it now. Ask your parents, family, friends – there is a pool of talents that can be potentially tapped if you only ask. You can also do research on last minute DIY ideas for wedding ideas that can fit your budget. If you need alone time away from your fiance, ask someone to give you temporary time away from the madness accordingly. I hung out with the flowergirl and her family – playing tea with her was a wonderful distraction.

    Finally, when the day arrives – have fun! The wedding is only one day. Your marriage is the adventure you can love for a lifetime. Good luck to you.

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    • avatar

      Fairhaired Child July 12, 2011, 1:18 am

      “The wedding is only one day. Your marriage is the adventure you can love for a lifetime. ”

      SO CUTE! I love this quote – I’m going to use it in a card for a wedding I’m going to if you don’t mind 🙂

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  • avatar

    justpeachy July 11, 2011, 3:17 pm

    Wow. Let’s start with the basics: it sounds like you want to marry this guy, yes? Don’t run out on the wedding, that won’t make things any easier.

    Secondly, as a newlywed, I know that everything seems to go wrong in the eleventh hour (for me, the DJ went out of business, the rehearsal dinner restaurant lost our reservation, and a massive cold front threatened all the wedding flowers), but honestly, there are only two ways to deal: create a Plan B or just mentally break down. I suggest the Plan B option.

    Do you have bridesmaids? Groomsmen? Family in town? See if any of them can help with the additional wedding stress. Break things down into small tasks and handle them one at a time and things will flow easier.

    Honestly, the thing that scared me most about your letter is your fiance’s attitude. I understand this wedding stuff is probably more important to you than him, but he should step up and help just because he wants you to be happy. And what about in the future? When you guys have kids, money will be tight and he’ll come home from work and want a minute to breathe, but what about how you feel? I’d sit him down and say something along the lines of “Honey, I know this wedding stuff isn’t at the top of your list of priorities but it is on mine and I would appreciate some help from you. Can we schedule time through the week when you help me with the wedding? In return I’ll give at least one day a week where I won’t talk about the wedding at all”.

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    Turtledove July 11, 2011, 4:26 pm

    You can also just decide that some of the DIY wedding projects you’ve elected to take on are unimportant. There are plenty of things that can be scaled back or done without (and if you’re strapped for cash, then that’s a good thing).

    90% of your guests will not miss favors, and who wants to spend hours tying tiny bows? You don’t need elaborate menus or programs, or frankly any at all. Any decorations you are doing yourself can be simple and inexpensive (a few flowers, some fresh fruit, bowls from the thrift store and we’re good to go).

    Here’s the thing… People remember if the food and cake were good, how the couple looked, and how fun the party was. And they’ll certainly remember if the bride and groom look like they’re about to kill one another. They’re not going to remember a lot of the little details so figure out what you can delegate and what you can do without. Get together with your fiance and divide and conquer the rest. Foster the mindset that it’s the two of you as a team. Take days off from anything wedding and enjoy each other. Sit down with each other and figure out how to get tasks assigned and completed without resentment or nagging and you’ll be in a good way to solving many of the conflicts you’ll discover in your married life.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 5:04 pm

      Agree about the favors. Show of hands from people who EVER got a favor from a wedding that they cherish, use frequently, or can’t live without?

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        honeybeenicki July 11, 2011, 5:16 pm

        When I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, we got “special” favors that were little dollar-store type picture frames with a picture of the beautiful venue (in addition to our bridesmaids gifts) and I still have that displayed. I did the same for my main bridal party too. Other than that… they’re just favors. To save money on favors, we made as many as we could afford and set them out on a little table since most people just throw things out – only the people who wanted them took them. But they were M&Ms in little champagne bottles so they went quick.

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        SpaceySteph July 11, 2011, 5:50 pm

        Gifts for the bridal party are different, and I think should not be foregone unless you paid everything else for your bridal party. I’ve usually seen tote bags, jewelry, and at one wedding they gave out little USB video recorders which was way cool. But you only need to get 6 or so of whatever it is, and only for your closest friends.

        The general gifts are usually not that interesting. I have quite a few wine bottle corkers with hearts on top… those seem to be very popular. I like them, but they’re not exactly cherished keepsakes. If my friends chose to save money by not having a favor, I would certainly not miss adding a 6th wine bottle stopper to my collection.

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        Fairhaired Child July 12, 2011, 1:24 am

        I think if the Bridal party knows that the couple is strapped for cash the would understand if they only got a small gift. I’m going to be in a wedding in 2012 and my friend is paying for it BY HERSELF. Her fiance does not make as much as she does, and she’s buying his groomsmen $150 swords each (i think that’s crazy – there’s 6 of them ) since she’s having it at a venue that looks like a castle. She wants to buy us something of the same value – I told her a pair of cute heart earrings would be fine for me and if they were under $50 perfect, but really I didn’t need anything except to be there to support her.

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        honeybeenicki July 12, 2011, 8:13 am

        I completely agree with you. We had a little money set aside for the favors for other people, but we definitely went above and beyond for favors for the bridal party/parents/grandparents. We also got them individual gifts (ie jewelry for the girls, pen set for one of the guys, engraved pocket knife for another, etc). But when strapped for cash, it is definitely a great idea to drop the favors. Really, people don’t need them and probably won’t miss them.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom July 11, 2011, 4:26 pm

    There will always be something happening in your life with greater or lesser stress. You may as well take this opportunity to learn how to deal with it as a couple. You know that you need help with the wedding. Think about exact details of what needs to be done, make a list, prioritize by date or by importance and be ready to share your list with your fiance and ask which items he can do. Just as important, you need to ask your fiance what he needs. Never assume you know what it is he is wanting or needing, asking always works better. Share your worries, fears and/or concerns and ask him to share his.

    Everywhere that I have lived from a tiny rural town to metropolitan area has had plenty of free things to do. You need to find things that appeal to you both and have fun together. Focus on your shared life rather than your one big day. As time goes by you may even find that your wedding day isn’t the most important day of your life. I know that for myself the births of my children had a far greater impact on my life than the wedding did.

    If you can remember the stress that you are feeling now, because you have spent to your limit, when you buy a house or are buying cars or enrolling your child in an exclusive private school and adjust your expectations to a more affordable level this lesson will be one that will make the rest of your life easier.

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    robottapocalypse July 11, 2011, 4:44 pm

    I’m not really wondering why nobody is addressing the man’s role here, or lack of voice. I’m going to go out on a limb and bet that the LW’s man advocated a small ceremony all along because both of them are broke and he knew she’d schitz out. Guess what’s happening?

    Not to harp on a stereotype, but the language in the letter is suspect. Her overuse of the word “we” as if she knows and controls his feelings indicates who carries the most importance to her in the relationship, and it’s not equal. Also, her language about ditching says a lot about how selfish she is, so I’m going to extrapolate selfishness in other situations as well. I’m betting the guy has given up on trying to do things because he’s got a bridezilla who wants to micromanage him and berates what he does do as being insufficient or incorrect. (She’s well on schedule and writing advice letters about leaving TWO MONTHS beforehand!) He’s just trying to stick it out at this point.

    I’ve got a dollar on this scenario:
    She wanted a big wedding they couldn’t afford. He wanted something they could. She threw a hissy fit until he caved. He’s being distant and resentful because she demanded this, is getting her just desserts, and taking it out on him three fold. I’ve seen some level of this type of thing happen in almost every wedding I’ve ever stood in or attended. Out of the 20+ weddings I’ve been to, I’ve only been to 2 where this wasn’t the case.

    My advice: Don’t do this crap to your second husband, learn to listen to people you’re in a relationship before you commit to things you can’t handle and live within your means.

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    • avatar

      robottapocalypse July 11, 2011, 4:46 pm

      *In a relationship with*

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    • katie

      katie July 11, 2011, 7:57 pm

      i think that there may be some truth to this!!

      obviously we dont know the entire story, so i guess we cant say for sure, but this definitely does happen.

      i wrote on another letter about how a man should be a large part of the planning process of a wedding and i got total purple thumbed on. if this is the situation we are looking at, then i think it just goes to show that men do care, and they do want to have a voice, but we as the women wont let them a lot of times.

      i also wanted the big awesome wedding, and my boyfriend had to talk some sense into me that we just wont be having it, mostly because i dont have any family, so there goes the big part of the wedding. lol, he had to resort to math to get to me.

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        silver_dragon_girl July 11, 2011, 10:51 pm

        I’m kind of the same way- I love big weddings, but I have a small, scattered family. In a lot of ways, that’s kind of nice, because I won’t feel any guilt about having a tiny ceremony, and the smaller it is, the more you can spend on really nice touches that are meaningful. I’d love to have a destination wedding, or a really formal black-tie dinner at an amazing restaurant, or a honeymoon at a great resort. A smaller wedding (who really wants to buy dinner for 250 near strangers anyway?) makes those things possible 🙂

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      • katie

        katie July 12, 2011, 2:14 am

        it is true. i knew a guy in college who got married and had 300 people at his wedding. THREE HUNDRED!!! i couldn’t believe it. and he told me it was a terrible night. the entire time people were just pulling him in every direction, taking pictures, buying him drinks, ect.. he didn’t even see his new wife like all night.

        i will probably do a half-destination wedding. it is going to end up being near where my boyfriend’s family is, so that any of them can come if they want, and then it will be my small amount of people i need there. and i will help them get there if need be. i figured instead of paying for a big wedding ill pay for their hotel rooms or something. that means more to me.

        it will be awesome to not have the stress of a large wedding. i am very much happy about that! lol

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      Princess Bananahammock July 11, 2011, 8:05 pm

      I think you’re buying too much into stereotypes. You could be completely right, but there really isn’t enough information to know. In my relationship, it was my fiance that wanted a big wedding. I advocated for a smaller wedding, but he wanted a huge party for all his friends. Problem is, he didn’t think of all that it would entail and he assumed that because I’m the “girl” I would be interested in all of the planning activities. I’m not. But, it has to get done so I’m doing it. He’ll do discrete tasks if I ask him to, but organizing everything is the really stressful part.

      Anyhoo… that was a bit of venting. But, I just think we don’t have enough information to make the leaps that you’ve made.

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        robottapocalypse July 11, 2011, 8:18 pm

        I acknowledge that this may be the case, however her interest in throwing him under the bus at the first turn leads me to believe that she would have thrown him under the bus way harder if it was his idea to have a big wedding.

        Her wording in the letter leads me to believe she is the type of LW to spread blame and take credit. I think that when she says “our wedding,” she really means “MY wedding.”

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      • katie

        katie July 11, 2011, 8:33 pm

        the sad thing though, its that those stereotypes are true in a lot of wedding cases… i mean how many reality shows have they made about bridezillas and just general women obsessing over their wedding? i saw one where they would look at 4 women who were having weddings, and with each wedding, the other 3 brides would go to the wedding and then “score” it… the bride with the highest score got an awesome honeymoon vacation. i just thought it was terrible seeing these women sitting in the back of the room, nit-picking this poor girls day! they would criticize every little tiny thing, and i thought it was just horrible. if, as a society, we would celebrate a wedding for what it is, which is the wonderful union of two people, instead of the huge show that everyone is meant to put on, maybe those stereostypes would go away.

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        Lt July 11, 2011, 9:48 pm

        My boyfriend and I watch four weddings all the time. He likes the ideas and scoring. I like the reminder to not be psycho bitch just because I am getting married. It is a guilty pleasure.

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      • katie

        katie July 11, 2011, 9:54 pm

        haha. i take all the wedding stories i hear (especially on here) as my mantra of “i will not be a bridezilla for any reason and I will not bankrupt my bridal party”. i repeat it to myself whenever i think about weddings at all.

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      Sara July 11, 2011, 8:48 pm

      My husband was the one who didn’t want to elope. His family is far-flung, and does not often get together, so he wanted to invite all his extended family. So we planned a wedding. Even though my husband wanted the wedding, he didn’t understand all that goes into planning a wedding… especially when both moms get involved! He wanted to relax in the evenings, and at first I didn’t want to push too much. But it was him who wanted the wedding without doing much of the work! It turned out that he didn’t realize how much I was doing. Once I explained the expectations–ones he had mentioned, ones my mom mentioned, and ones his mom mentioned–he understood the process better. We delegated items between us. I didn’t even “check” on his items. In short, it turns out he just didn’t realize the work involved with what he wanted. Once we communicated about expectations and time commitments, it was better. And we stayed within (below!) our budget.

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    LTC039 July 11, 2011, 3:56 pm

    This sounds like a bind you can’t really get out of. I agree with some of the comments on here, there are plenty of cheap/free things you can do! Google your city & they should have lists of free things to do. Also, renting movies is fun! What I did w/ my bf for a while was each week either one of us had to pick a movie (we’d switch every week) & couldn’t tell the other what it was. I did this because I had classes on Sat at 8am & unless there was something important (like a birthday) going on on Fri, we wouldn’t go out. It was really nice thing. If you need time away from each other, go to park & jog, or look for yoga classes going on (sometimes they offer free yoga classes at parks or smg).
    Point is, after your wedding is over, its over! Don’t miss it! Stop, take a breath, & savor these last few weeks. Don’t dread your wedding because then all this drama, time & money you’ve spent will be in vein.

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    Slamy July 11, 2011, 5:05 pm

    I’m not engaged and not married and no longer in a relationship – but one fun thing my ex and i used to do was look through http://budgetbytes.blogspot.com and find cheap, delicious recipes to make. I learned how to make pizza from scratch from that site, and if you omit the meat, you can make two big pies for about $10.

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    ted July 11, 2011, 5:38 pm

    psht…what a whiner.

    i find your fake problem highly amusing.

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      Britannia July 12, 2011, 2:40 am

      #firstworldproblems

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    MiMi July 11, 2011, 6:55 pm

    While it will be educational to learn in trial-by-fire just how the two of you work together through crisis, your non-refundable deposits are only money. You can definitely get out of this wedding event if you want to. Sit down with your beloved, acknowledge how horrible this has been, and decide together how you want to proceed. With daggers-drawn and no money in the bank is no way to start a marriage.

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    • katie

      katie July 11, 2011, 8:01 pm

      thats so true- she could just say fuck it to the whole thing and head to a court house!

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  • katie

    katie July 11, 2011, 7:53 pm

    my boyfriend and me have been talking about the wedding we want to have, and we have decided that there are really two things we actually care about, one from him, one from me. he cares about our (but mostly his) chef friends being able to cook our food (were both chefs), and I care about my very best friends being at the wedding. we both decided that those two things are the only things we are going to really “stress” about. that is the most important thing to him, and the most important thing to me. all the other stuff? well, it’ll just happens how it happens, i guess. not that we wont be trying to get things the way we want them, but if it doesn’t go exactly as planned, oh well.

    maybe if you try to focus your attention on one or two things that really matter to the two of you, it will seem to take the stress on all the other stuff. now, you will have to still take care of that other stuff, but maybe if you aren’t obsessing over making every little thing perfect, it will make it easier.

    good luck! remember, once the day happens, its just going to happen. I did a wedding cake for a bride once who said, after I had set up the cake and asked if she wanted it changed, “i cant change the way today is going to go at all. if thats the way the cake looks, thats the way it looks. its great. i love it.” I hope to adopt her attitude on my wedding day.

    i also totally agree with designating a time or a day without any wedding planning. you need a mental break as well as your fiance!

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    Greebo July 11, 2011, 8:45 pm

    1). Cut back wherever you can now on the wedding. Trust me, you don’t “need” those last minute details like a signature cocktail or matching napkin rings.

    2) The stuff you put a deposit on and owe more on later that isn’t “necessary”? Like fancy linens, a disco ball and laser light show? Surrender the deposit and save yourself the rest of the money.

    3). Find cheap/free stuff to do. Walks in the park, bike rides, Netflix instead of the movies, whatever. Get creative.

    4). I’m going a little against the majority here, but cut him some slack. Maybe he’s really totally indifferent and insensitive (in which case, are you sure about this marriage?). Maybe he’s tired. He works nights, right? When my husband worked nights, it was everything he could do to get up and visit me sometimes, and he fell asleep more than once when I went to see him.

    5). If you’re seriously considering calling off the wedding–not just nerves or frustration or anxiety, but a real, solid, definite sense of “I shouldn’t do this”–well, you know what to do.

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    Addie Pray July 11, 2011, 10:50 pm

    Ugh, weddings. They always seem to suck the life out of people. I’m eloping, I swear.

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    El July 11, 2011, 11:51 pm

    You can’t throw a champagne wedding on a beer budget. If you’re sacrificing everyday conveniences (ordering a pizza isn’t exactly a luxury), then you’ve budgeted irresponsibly.

    Start making cuts wherever you can, and take this as a very expensive lesson. It may be smart for the two of you to take a personal finance class, as well. Its never too late to learn how to properly manage your finances.

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    IcedVentiRedEyeGuy - in Chitown bay-bay! July 15, 2011, 9:20 am

    Weddings are a sham!

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