Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “She Dumped My For a FOURTH Time. Should I MOA?”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I have been in a long-term, off-and-on lesbian relationship for about two years. And not once has this relationship been “smooth sailing,” but we both stuck in there. For the past six months, we’ve been having A LOT of issues, which resulted in three major breakups, about to go on a fourth one. And every one of those breakups was initiated by her. I must admit, I was no angel in the relationship, but neither was she.

Anyway, she came back about a month ago, after the third breakup that she initiated, telling me that she really wants to make it work this time. She said that she is ready to settle down with me, yada, yada. At first, I insisted on not getting back into the relationship because I knew that I could not handle another breakup with the same person! But, eventually, my heart ate my logic and I fell back into that trap. See, with me, when I’m in a relationship, I’m really all about that person. Like, I want to spend almost every waking moment with them, I want to be their priority, and I am willing to sacrifice for them. Anyway, things seemed like they were actually going to work this time, because we both made the effort to make positive changes and compromises to better the relationship…until a couple days ago…

We got into an altercation where things went majorly sour…for everyone. We fought about her being out too late with her friends and I must admit, I did sort of blow it out of proportion. But it’s not like this is a new issue that surfaced. I always have problems with the people that she hangs out with, and she knows how I normally react when discussing them. Anyway, after that, she comes out telling me that she feels suffocated by me. She said that she wants to be with me in the future, but just not now. I feel like I just fell into the same old crap that she pulled on me the last time she broke up with me. So, now that we’re not together, she doesn’t call/text and she’s back to hanging out with her friends all the time.

I have made a decision to really let go and move on this time. I don’t think I deserve to be continuously treated like this. Do you think that I have made a good decision? And do you have any encouraging words for me in my moments of weakness? And what can I do so that I don’t fall back into her attempt at getting back with me? — Four-Time Dumpee

46 comments… add one
  • Lyra

    L November 2, 2011, 8:08 am

    I haven’t read the letter yet…but I’m guessing my answer to that question is “yes”.

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    • Lyra

      L November 2, 2011, 8:45 am

      Now that I’ve read it…LW, you ARE suffocating her. She told you directly. Some of the things in your letter solidify that. Yes, in relationships you should be all about the other person, but that needs to be within reason. Everybody needs time to spend with their friends. It isn’t feasible to ask her to spend every waking moment with you because she needs time with herself and YOU need time to yourself! Alone time helps the relationship to stay healthy.

      You also mentioned that the relationship has pretty much always been rocky. Is that how you always want things to be? Relationships do take a ton of work, but there should be times when it’s just EASY to have a relationship with her. Constant maintenance of any relationship is exhausting. Having to fight to make things work ALL THE TIME is absolutely no fun.

      It’s time to cut your losses. It appears to me as though you two really aren’t a good fit for each other. Take the lessons you’ve learned from this relationship and move on. Keep in mind that you will have to let some things go. You will have to accept that you won’t spend every waking moment with your significant other. You will have to allow them (and yourself) time alone. In the long run it will be healthier for your future relationships, promise.

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  • avatar

    Ck November 2, 2011, 8:09 am

    Stay clear away from this girl and her drama. Four break ups in six months? Why in the world would you want to make that five? Because there is absolutely no way this is ever going to work out. The chic thrives on the break up to make up, and unless you want to deal with that until she ultimately gets tired of you for good, say adios and thank your lucky stars you were smart enough not to believe her advances this time. Healthy relationships are fueled by mutual love and respect, not drama, I promise.

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  • FireStar

    FireStar November 2, 2011, 8:18 am

    You know what will totally work to stop you from going back to her in the future? Free will. You make the decision not to….and then you don’t.
    You know what else free will can help with? The choice of therapist. Making another person your entire world is – well – wrong. All shades of wrong. That’s too much for anyone to bear and all your relationships will be doomed to failure unless you fix this. So delete, defriend, and do whatever else you need to to remove the ability to contact your ex and go find a therapist to help you avoid your tendency to smoother your partners within an inch of their lives so that one day you can actually be in a healthy, drama free relationship.

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  • avatar

    Christy November 2, 2011, 8:51 am

    First, an introduction. I’m Christy, a single 23-year-old lesbian. My best friend (also a lesbian) had a rocky 5.5-year relationship with her now ex-girlfriend. Watching that breakup process has given me some insight into lesbian breakups of rocky relationships.

    You have to stop dating this girl. You also have to avoid contacting her for several months. Otherwise, you will slip right into an artificially close friendship because of your previous intimacy. However, this friendship will basically only serve as an approximation of your former relationship–at least for you. You’ll still be basically head over heels for this girl, and she’ll just see you as a friend. (Worst case, she decides that she’s sick of being single, she recognizes that you’re still close, and this relationship cycle starts all over again.)

    I’m trying not to blather all over the internet, because I could probably write a book about what not to do after a lesbian breakup. So here’s the Cliff Notes: (do people still use those?)

    1. End the relationship.
    2. Break off contact.
    2a. Defriend her on facebook.
    2b. Tell her to change her facebook password so you can’t stalk her through her own account.
    2c. No, really, don’t stalk her.
    3. Take some time for yourself. Try casual dating. Try being single.
    4. If you’re not happy being single, don’t lie to yourself and say that you are happy like that.
    4a. Lying to yourself is never useful.
    4b. But you should try to be happy while single.
    5. Consider seeing a therapist. I understand your total devotion thing, but girls are gonna find it smothering.
    6. When she contacts you again, you have two options:
    6a. Do not respond to her.
    6b. If you’re actually over her (this could take approximately forever, or until your next relationship) then you could consider responding.

    If you want someone to chat with or help you through or whatever, feel free to send me an email–[email protected].

    And for the record, I think you made a good choice ending it. Don’t give opportunities for moments of weakness and you won’t have them. Stay away from her if you don’t think you can resist her advances.

    Good luck!

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    • JK

      JK November 2, 2011, 9:09 am

      I was waiting for you to comment… I think the list is perfect, and like RR says, applicable to any breakup.

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl November 2, 2011, 9:51 am

      Thank you for this list, which is great for ANY breakup, and for saying that it’s OK to not be happy being single, but that you should try. I think a lot of times today we try so hard to encourage people to learn to love themselves alone (which they should), that we forget we are inherently social creatures and that MANY people out there will always be happier in a relationship than out of one. That’s not to say, at all, that we shouldn’t all take time alone and try to be happy single so that we can truly know ourselves- that’s very important and very valuable. But, yeah, don’t lie to yourself, either. If you want to be in a relationship, be in a relationship! Just make sure you’ve taken enough time to recover from the last one, become emotionally secure in yourself and ready to move on, and make sure it’s a healthy, mutually satisfying and supportive relationship.

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 8:54 am

      I’d like to note that your list is EXACTLY what you should do after ANY breakup. I’m straight, and I can tell you that this works for straight relationships, too! And girls are definitely not the only ones who can feel smothered…my ex boyfriend and I had a VERY similar relationship to the one the LW described, and I can tell you that doing most of the things on your list also helped me to move on fully.

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      • avatar

        Carolynasaurus November 2, 2011, 9:56 am

        I agree with you, but if bittergaymark were commenting right now, I have to imagine he’d say that it’s much more difficult to do when you’re gay because the community is much smaller. There’s a lot more inter-group dating and it not only makes avoiding someone harder after a break-up, but much harder to start dating someone new while avoiding someone.

        Even though it may be difficult, you need to avoid this girl until you are 100% sure you are over her. And even then, wait a couple more weeks just to be sure.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl November 2, 2011, 9:59 am

        Seriously. You’re NEVER over someone when you first think you are. Always wait an extra 1-3 months after that.

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      • avatar

        Christy November 2, 2011, 10:09 am

        Omg homegirl, don’t I know it. It’s such a tiny community. I’ll try to write something about that with my friend group in mind.

        If you’re in the same friend group, you’re going to run into each other. It’s going to happen. If you can, you should think about avoiding group gatherings for a bit while you process the breakup. Try to avoid things like “Hey, we’re going to go watch the Ravens game at Buffalo Wild Wings. I think Anna, Betty, Cathy, and Dotty will be there.” (Assuming your ex is Dotty.) Just politely decline and go out with your other friends. It’ll be an adjustment for your friends to alternate invitations to things like this, but I would bet money that they prefer you two stay broken up.

        However, eventually there will be a birthday party or a Christmas party that you will both attend. Here’s the secret: just because you’re both there doesn’t mean you have to talk to each other. If she catches you in conversation, make it brief but polite, and move on to another conversation. If you find yourself having to leave early, just do it.

        And Carolynasaurus is COMPLETELY right that you’re never over someone when you first think you are.

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      • avatar

        Morgan November 2, 2011, 10:34 am

        You should probably watch the Ravens game in public though. That way, when you have a heart attack, and you will, there will be someone to call 911.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark November 2, 2011, 10:50 am

        I live in LA where the community is huge, so I often forget what it must be like in other areas… That said, I do think going out of your way to completely avoid one’s exes is kinda silly. So you run into them, so what? Be polite and civil. But then, I suppose, not everybody is a mature as I am. The LW especially. So maybe it IS good advice for her.

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 10:09 am

        Yeah, that’s something I don’t always remember, but you’re right. The gay community is definitely small, and I’ve had friends who’ve had difficulties breaking up and moving in fully because of that. Still, for your own mental health and wellness, you’ve got to do your best to avoid any and all communication with an ex.

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  • avatar

    CottonTheCuteDog November 2, 2011, 8:04 am

    let future girlfriends spend some nights with their friends, let them go fly away to see their family without you, let them go to the spa, let them watch TV on a Friday night alone. Go do fun things yourself, see her as special but know that you will be okay if you don’t hang out all the time.

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  • avatar

    MiMi November 2, 2011, 9:14 am

    Kudos to Christy and ReRe – follow their advice to the letter, LW, your relationship (and relationship style) have been toxic and they are showing you the way out of this quicksand!

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  • avatar

    ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 8:16 am

    “When I’m in a relationship, I’m really all about that person. Like, I want to spend almost every waking moment with them, I want to be their priority, and I am willing to sacrifice for them.” – It’s not necessarily BAD to be willing to sacrifice for someone you love, and to want to be a priority in their lives. However…(BIG however), the fact that your girlfriend then told you that she felt suffocated leads me to believe that your level of need went beyond what’s considered healthy in a relationship.

    If you want to avoid this kind of unhealthy relationship in the future, one of the best things you can do is to retain your independence. Spend time with your own friends without your S.O., and your girlfriend should do the same. Do your own hobbies and activities by yourself sometimes, go places by yourself, do things just for YOU.

    A lot of people fall into this. I fell into it too, once upon a time. Love is awesome. It sends oxytocin rushing to our brains, giving us a literal high that most everything else in our lives can’t. Because of that, we want to be around the source of that high (the girlfriend or boyfriend) all the time. We then get annoyed when they push back, wanting some space and time of their own. Then, that can develop into insecurity and neediness, where we cling HARDER because they’re pushing away…which only makes them push back HARDER still.

    And when that happens, the power balance in the relationship is irrevocably altered. The less needy person gets all the power, and the ability to hurt you BADLY, because of how much you hang on their every movement. They start to resent you and feel less attracted to you, because of the neediness and the insecurity and the clinginess.

    I don’t know your whole story, so I can’t say for sure how deep you may have been into this kind of pattern. But it seems like you were in it at some level, since your girlfriend said she felt suffocated. Here’s a corny metaphor to help you keep things in perspective – Your relationship is but a SLICE of your entire pie (other slices might include…family, friends, work, hobbies, interests, etc), not the WHOLE pie. When you make someone the sole focus of your entire life and make them solely responsible for your happiness, you put WAY too much pressure on them. They need to remain a PIECE of what makes you happy, not the entire reason. Ya feel me?

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    • Lianne

      Lianne November 2, 2011, 9:33 am

      Great advice! And to add to this – when you let your SO become your whole life, any friends you had before you got together, who you may not be spending time with anymore, aren’t going to be your friends at the end of the relationship. Then the support system you need when a break-up occurs isn’t there – which lends itself to the cycle beginning again. And again. And in your case, again. You need to be alone for awhile and discover the things that make YOU happy, independent of a relationship. Only then, can you have a healthy one, where your neediness doesn’t overshadow all the good you can get out of it!

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      • avatar

        ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 9:36 am

        Yes, very much agree. Thankfully, when I was the needy girlfriend who got dumped over and over again (and then FINALLY for the last time), I had a set of friends who were willing to welcome me back. But I can’t IMAGINE how much more awful the breakup would have been without any friends to help me through it. Your friends were there before the girlfriend/boyfriend, and they’ll likely be there long after…treat them with the respect and love they deserve!

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    • katie

      katie November 2, 2011, 8:59 pm

      i really like the slice of pie theory…

      i really believe that people wont be in happy and content relationships until they are a happy, content person by themselves.

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  • avatar

    amber November 2, 2011, 9:17 am

    First LW I think you could benefit from reading Christy’s list of what to do post break up. And then evaluate whethre or not you think your attitude of, ‘when I’m in a relationship, I’m really all about that person. Like, I want to spend almost every waking moment with them, I want to be their priority, and I am willing to sacrifice for them’, IS suffocating when in a relationship. Sure, those feelings are great for the first few weeks or months of the honeymoon period. But, eventually you need to learn to be both a couple and an individual again. And maybe that is where things are going wrong. We don’t always love our SOs friends, but if you love them you need to give them the freedom to hang out with them, without blowing up at them.

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  • avatar

    Nadine November 2, 2011, 9:23 am

    You have made THE BEST decision to not be with her. But to stick to that resolution might be a bit harder. I’m going to say therapy is probably going to be useful for you here. Like RR above, that sentence about being “all about the other person” really stood out for me. You need to be all about you, and a good match will appreciate this. It isnt necessarily romantic or loving to need to spend every second together…. its desperate. Especially when you dont like her friends, so is it just the two of you, all the time, together and fighting? That sounds dreadful.
    Take Christy’s advice, cut her off and dont speak to her until you can think of her and laugh, instead of getting wistful.

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    • avatar

      Christy November 2, 2011, 10:10 am

      What a good way to think about knowing when you’re over someone!

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 10:24 am

      Or, I think as JSW once said, if you can think about your ex (and them being with someone else!) without wanting to puke, you might be over them. I find this to be a really reliable means of gauging how much you still care.

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  • avatar

    Kerrycontrary November 2, 2011, 9:29 am

    Sometimes two people can love each other, a lot, but they are just not good for each other. You two are an example of a toxic couple. Yes, you made the right decision by finally being done with this particular person. Try to cut off all contact because this will make the break up easier. Furthermore, I agree with the other readers that you need to examine your co-dependent, and possibly suffocating, behavior. A happy, healthy, relationship is one in which both parties are independently happy with themselves but enjoy spending time and building a life together. Clearly, that was not happening with this woman. Best of luck, LW.

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    • avatar

      Christy November 2, 2011, 2:05 pm

      I knew I forgot something! Something very important: Love isn’t enough to make a relationship. Kerry explains it well. Love isn’t enough.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark November 2, 2011, 2:09 pm

        This is especially true when one is way too clingy and jealous of pretty much everything.

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  • avatar

    Jordana November 2, 2011, 9:42 am

    oh LW-of course YES you made the right decision. I mean honestly, did you read the letter as you were typing it ? clearly, this relationship is filled with so much drama that I am just so surprised that you stayed for as long as you did. delete her number and move on. simple as that

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  • avatar

    callmehobo November 2, 2011, 9:55 am

    LW,

    I had a problem very similar to yours once, and I’m going to give you some simple advice someone gave me which made my whole outlook change.

    You are the only person who can make you happy.

    That’s it. I clung so hard to my bf because I thought he could make me happy, but it turns out, clinging just makes everyone miserable. He was miserable, because I put the enormous responsibility of my happiness solely on him, and I was miserable because he (understandably) couldn’t meet my impossible standards.

    You are your own person, and you can’t expect your partner to hold you as their only priority- it’s not healthy. Look at other couples in literature and history and see which ones had a relationship like you described. I think of Jay Gatsby’s love for Daisy. Would you consider him a happy man. No. He was a depressed, existential nightmare.

    Take this breakup as time to focus on YOU. What YOU like to do. Build other (non-romantic) relationships. Maybe consider some counseling.

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  • avatar

    SweetPea November 2, 2011, 9:57 am

    I once sent a series of crazy nutso, emotional “I miss you” e-mails to an ex boyfriend because I was feeling very sad he wasn’t in my life anymore.

    His response was “Most of the time when people break up, it’s for a reason.” He’s a smart cookie (a major reason I missed him so darn much). And he was totally right. I had broken up with him because we just wanted such different things. Our lifestyles and views were so vastly different. It made it exciting at first, but it never would have worked long term.

    He did me such a favor by not giving in to my emotions. I was free to go find someone that is right for me… and I did!

    You and your (ex) lady have broken up so many times for real reasons! You are not right for each other and I think you know this. She has done you a huge favor by breaking things off. You can find someone that makes you truly happy.

    You’re going to be okay.

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    • avatar

      SweetPea November 2, 2011, 10:15 am

      But, also, when you DO find that right person… make sure they aren’t your sole source of happiness. I know it has already been said in the above comments- but you need to remember that!

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  • bittergaymark

    bittergaymark November 2, 2011, 10:32 am

    Okay, yes. Clearly, you obviously aren’t a match. So do move on. That said you are way too clingy and possessive. Your whole “I want to spend every waking moment with that person” is only romantic in bad movies and Shakespeare — the rest of the time it’s downright annoying. Worse, it’s scary — and frankly, a bit too much in that it screams “Hell, yes! I am a controlling psycho!!”

    If a guy wrote in with such nonsense every single commenter would (rightfully) immediately see this as a HUGE red flag. Obviously, your GF sees this, recognizes this for what it is and keeps dumping you because of it. Why does she take you back over and over? Gee, probably because you always “promise” to change. Too bad you never do. Stop with the promising, LW. Start with the changing. And please — stop playing the victim here. Really, you are only a victim to yourself. Your GF has given you too many chances already. It’s time to stop blaming her for the many times that YOU’VE blown it.

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 10:35 am

      I see it as a “HUGE red flag” either way. I assume you mean that if she were male, we’d be concerned that his controlling nature could turn physical). But honestly, being possessive, clingy, needy, controlling and insecure is a big red flag in my book no matter what sex you happen to be.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark November 2, 2011, 10:43 am

        I, too, see it as a HUGE red flag for either sex. (Obviously) But read through all these other comments. Many seem to be REALLY missing it here. PS — there is no need for her to be male, either to be concerned about violence either. Domestic abuse is not unheard of among lesbians… Moreover, the tone of this letter is classic abuser red flags as everything is the GF’s fault. Sure, the LW says offhandedly that she herself was no angel, but in the end it’s all about blaming the GF. Over and over and over. “She knew how’d I’d react and blah blah blah…” The LW clearly has some issues that she needs to work out. Here’s to hoping she does that — with a professional.

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      • bittergaymark

        bittergaymark November 2, 2011, 11:18 am

        Ugh, my two “eithers” is so beyond painful. I hate that we can’t edit on here.

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        ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 11:14 am

        Yeah, I didn’t mean to imply that domestic violence was out of the question if a man wasn’t involved. Clearly that’s a possibility in any unhealthy relationship. I understand what you mean when you said that this is “classic abuser red flags.” I think that when I was in the LW’s position, I never would have thought of myself as an “abuser.” But in a way, I definitely was. I used my insecurity and neediness to leverage what I wanted with my (ex)boyfriend. I blamed him for a lot of our problems, when my trying to control him and make him behave as I wanted him to behave were definitely MY problems. I think my whole relationship was emotionally abusive, and both of us were the abusers/abusees at times. I never went to a therapist (thankfully, I grew up and learned my lessons without much help), but if I had the chance to do it over, I’d definitely get professional help during that time of my life.

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  • avatar

    kf November 2, 2011, 10:42 am

    I agree with everyone else, RR and Christy in particular made great posts. A couple of other things jumped out at me.

    “See, with me, when I’m in a relationship, I’m really all about that person. Like, I want to spend almost every waking moment with them, I want to be their priority, and I am willing to sacrifice for them.”

    This reminds me of that Onion article, “Romantic Comedy Behavior Gets Real Life Person Arrested” or something like that. Would anyone actually want to hear that from a partner or potential partner? Personally, I would set land speed records running for the hills.

    Also, at the beggining of the letter she says she’s “about to go” on a breakup, and then later on:

    “So, now that we’re not together, she doesn’t call/text and she’s back to hanging out with her friends all the time.”

    So, are you broken up or not? Sounds like a big part of the problem is a lack of control in the status of the relationship, and of the gf (ex-gf). If you’re going to disapprove of an ex not texting or calling you and hanging out with her friends, please please please serioussly consider therapy as suggested by others above.

    “I don’t think I deserve to be continuously treated like this. ”

    What’s that definition of insanity again? The other woman does this because it works for her. She likes her freedom, and then she likes to spend some time in a relationship. Her actions make perfect sense, because she can always get what she wants. It doesn’t appear to be working for you at all. Do the math. Dont’t stand in the middle of a hailstorm and say “I don’t deserve to be treated like this.” Find shelter.

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    • avatar

      ReginaRey November 2, 2011, 11:16 am

      “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.” Or at least, that’s how I paraphrase it. It’s one of the true-est mantras EVER.

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      • avatar

        6napkinburger November 2, 2011, 11:20 am

        Except for with computers. Computers,if you are a non-programmer, regular user, doing the same thing over and over again always seems to produce totally different results. And the advice of computer people is usually “close it down, and do it all again.” And then- BOOM, it works.

        And this is the lesson of the day why computers are different than people. the end.

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  • Jess

    Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com November 2, 2011, 11:27 am

    There’s already great advice in here about the perils of over-giving in a relationship and the reasons you need to move on. I just want to add a thing or two.

    1. Sometimes the drifting/suffocating trend is a cycle that worsens with time. When your partner continues to abandon the relationship, you lose trust and the bar gets higher and higher for what you need to be reassured. In turn, that “neediness” makes your partner feel guilty and suffocated and she walks away after feeling unable to meet your expectations. It’s very hard to break that cycle once you’re in it, especially when it’s as far gone as you’ve described.

    2. Simple as it sounds, something I have learned over time is that those relationships that are “so close” to being right, simply ARE NOT RIGHT. Close doesn’t count. And I feel sure that you will look back and shake your head for having stayed so long with someone that just doesn’t work for/with you. That doesn’t make her a bad person. Or you for that matter. Just means there is a disconnect. A fatal flaw. But odds are you’ll meet someone who is a better fit and your time will be better spent going out to seek that person.

    Sometimes we have bad relationship patterns (like being too needy) but I have found that I can play drastically different roles depending on the person I am with. Different people draw different things out of you. This person draws out a neediness and insecurity in you. Why not find someone who draws out your strengths.

    She’s out there, I’m sure. Good luck!

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl November 2, 2011, 1:41 pm

      I think those relationships that are close but not quite right are the ones that bring out the WORST in us. We try SO HARD to “make it work” that we end up completely losing sight of the reality of the relationship.

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  • avatar

    Rei November 2, 2011, 1:16 pm

    I’m just going to say it: you sound abusive. You want yohr girlfriend around you at all time, you play the martyr, you don’t want her hanging around her friends, and you get mad when she even talks about them. That’s whack dood. Before you even think about being in another relationship you need to learn to be happy alone and how to deal with people you don’t like. I’m pretty sure everyone has some significant other’s friends they don’t like but unless the unliked person has something seriously wrong with them (she’s a child molester or he’s a murderer or something), you don’t get to deny your partner from seeing them. For example: one of my boyfriend’s friends is kind of a douche. But you know what I do? I just don’t hang out with him! I certainly don’t bar him from visiting the friend or yell at him or hit him or anything for mentioning said friend.
    So, in summation: get to a psychologist for your controlling and manipulative ways. And if you are or have hit your girlfriend (which honestly I could see you doing from your letter) go directly to jail. Do not pass go; do not collect $200.

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    • avatar

      Rei November 2, 2011, 1:32 pm

      Also, my typing is kind of derpy because I’m on a phone.

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  • avatar

    AKchic November 2, 2011, 1:32 pm

    You’re clingy. Too clingy. You admit to it, she told you it bothered her, and yet you still do it. You two aren’t a good fit. Stop dating each other. Period. Learn to give breathing room, or else all of your relationships are doomed to fail because you won’t give it the space to grow.

    Right now, you are the ivy of the dating realm. Pretty to look at, but once you are introduced to other plantlife, you choke it to death. Look at the oak tree. Even ivy chokes it to death. Learn to be a fern or something.

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    twiglet November 3, 2011, 6:30 am

    The trouble seems to be that you for some reason cleared everything else out of your life but your ex-girlfriend. Where were the friends you could have been out with to stop you boiling her bunny over her night out? If you are not tremendously sociable(nothing wrong with that) then you could have taken an evening class or something, there’s a world of stuff out there which is way more fun than it sometimes sounds. You could even have spent your time at home, alone, creating some piece of writing, or artwork, or doing absorbing D.I.Y. or pretty much anything, so that she felt your time was something you could give her, not an ever-present millstone around her neck. You can do these things now. Stop leaving your life empty and longing for someone to come fill it up-make your life as much of what you want it to be as possible. Yes, if you do this, she will probably start to see you in a new light, and yes, then you’ll have to resist the temptation to get back with your ex.But then you’ve solved way the biggest part of your problem together,so even that would be a different story.

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