Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “Should I Fake It From Now On?”

In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:

I’m a girl in my early twenties, looking for a healthy relationship. I’ve recently started something up with a great guy, but I’ve been really worried about something. I just got out of a FWB thing with my best friend, “Mark,” a couple of months ago. Honestly, we love each other an incredible amount, and I think that we could easily be extremely happy together for the rest of our lives (after we have our early-20s adventures), except for one huge elephant in the room: in the several months that we were sleeping together, I don’t think I ever actually got to “finish.”

Now, the thing is, this isn’t really very upsetting for me, because it’s always been extremely difficult for me. I’ve had several sexual partners, and I think I’ve only climaxed a handful of times (although, honestly, I can’t even be 100% sure). Again, this doesn’t bother me… I still enjoy sex a lot, and this has never deterred me. Mark, however, took it really badly. I tried to tell him it was an emotional thing on my part, that I was feeling guilty after how things had ended with my previous boyfriend, etc., but he still felt like it was his fault that he couldn’t deliver. I really did enjoy sleeping with him, but it was almost like he didn’t believe me.

Anyway, the sexual part of our relationship ended, and I know him well enough to know that this issue was a big factor in it ending. This feeling that he wasn’t “good enough” or whatever even made its way into other aspects of our friendship, and manifested itself in little competitive, self-deprecating comments, disrupting what had been a completely mutually supportive friendship. Though I know it’s not entirely my fault that he took it so badly, the whole situation is still bothering me. Should I have faked an orgasm here and there? In future relationships is that what I’m going to have to do in order to protect my man’s ego, or should I just be honest with any guys about my difficulties in achieving orgasm? — Fake Out

67 comments… add one
  • avatar

    soandso July 13, 2011, 2:36 pm

    I wouldn’t fake it ever. It is best to be honest and open in all relationships. If he can’t handle that you didn’t finish, it isn’t your problem.

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  • avatar

    MJ July 13, 2011, 2:42 pm

    Never fake an orgasm.

    That’s my rule to live by, and while I think it has caused some bruised egos in the past, it’s not worth it to me to deceive the people I’m sleeping with. I just explain that I have trouble coming and that I enjoy sex anyway (and I show them that I enjoy it by being very, um, engaged). Most guys are okay with this, but if they’re not, their insecurity is a void that you can’t possibly fill.

    Is there a way you know you get off when you’re by yourself? If you can figure that out, you can probably incorporate it into sex and have an orgasm. If not, you might want to practice more …believe me, when it happens you’ll be 100% sure!

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  • avatar

    silver_dragon_girl July 13, 2011, 2:42 pm

    Ok, first of all, if you’re “not sure,” it wasn’t an orgasm. Just saying. 😛

    Anyway. I totally commiserate, because I can only finish with help from my battery-operated friend. I always tell guys this before we get too far along, but every single one of them has thought he’d be “the one.” So far no dice.

    However, the desire to spare the awkwardness and their disappointment shouldn’t require you to lie. I’m really, really against “faking it” because that’s exactly what it is: lying. How would you feel if you found out Mark had been faking it every time he got off? Not very good, right?

    So I honestly think you’re doing the right thing by explaining that it probably won’t happen, but that you still really enjoy sex. One way to help get this message across is to initiate it a fair amount (not in any way you’re not comfortable with, or anything, but definitely often enough that they feel like they’re wanted and all that). Another is to be vocal about what you like in bed. I think most guys won’t be nearly as bummed by your lack of orgasm if they’ve been hearing you sing their praises all night.

    Also, if you haven’t tried one, try a vibrator. Just to see. If you can use one to get yourself off solo, they’re pretty easily incorporated into your partnered sex life as well 🙂

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    • avatar

      Valerie July 13, 2011, 3:12 pm

      YES! THIS! “Also, if you haven’t tried one, try a vibrator. Just to see. If you can use one to get yourself off solo, they’re pretty easily incorporated into your partnered sex life as well.”

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    • avatar

      PFG-SCR July 13, 2011, 4:54 pm

      Not only do I agree that she shouldn’t fake it, I agree that if she doesn’t know for sure if she has had orgasm, she probably hasn’t. While I agree with you that she should masturbate to experience orgasms, she might want to try and learn to orgasm without the use of a vibrator, at least initially. Or, she could first use the vibrator to understand how it feels as she gets closer to, and actually goes over the edge to orgasm, but then masturbate to try and accomplish the same without a vibrator. 

      I’m not against vibrators, and I realize some women need them in order to get off. But, for many women, they just need additional (and different) experimentation in order to orgasm, and by just defaulting to a vibrator, they might not be focusing as much on this. The experience is different with and without a vibrator, and there is so much that a woman can learn about her body when she’s learning different ways to pleasure herself. 

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      • avatar

        robottapocalypse July 14, 2011, 11:51 pm

        training yourself to a vibrator is a great way to NEED one to get off. It’s the equivalent of a man who is what D. Savage calls a “Death-grip masturbator.” Basically, you’re condemning yourself to being the only one who can get you off if you don’t mix it up.

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      • avatar

        Kayla July 15, 2011, 6:15 am

        I masturbated for years without a vibrator before learning how to do it myself…didn’t make a difference.

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      • leilani

        leilani July 15, 2011, 8:48 am

        Honestly, I kinda feel like if I had never gotten a vibrator, I still wouldn’t have had an orgasm to this day. Maybe that isn’t true, but coming with a vibrator is so much easier for me than other ways, it allowed me to recognize what the build-up felt like before I knew what I was doing. I had tried oral/manual masturbation before I used a vibrator, but I couldn’t get off from it because I didn’t really know what “getting off” was. The vibrator kind of opened the door for me, and then after that, I could try other things. Now all those things work as well!

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  • caitie_didnt

    caitie_didn't July 13, 2011, 2:44 pm

    Never fake it!! You’re only cheating yourself if you do.

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    • caitie_didnt

      caitie_didn't July 13, 2011, 2:47 pm

      Also, if you haven’t tried oral- get on that. It’s the best.

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 13, 2011, 3:07 pm

        Oral isn’t for everyone, I personally hate it. But if you haven’t ever tried it, give it a shot! To each her own.

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      • caitie_didnt

        caitie_didn't July 13, 2011, 6:53 pm

        Man, really? I can’t even say you’re missing out because you’re not really if oral doesn’t do anything for you. But it DEFINITELY does something for me…every time 🙂

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl July 13, 2011, 3:16 pm

        Oral does nothing for me, so it’s definitely not the “cure-all” for everything. But by all means, experiment! 🙂

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      • avatar

        MissDre July 13, 2011, 3:41 pm

        Yeah I agree with you. Doesn’t do much for me.

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl July 13, 2011, 4:08 pm

        Yep, and isn’t it irritating how it’s so often held up to be the answer to all your problems? I read about it ALL the time, how amazing it is. Bah! I am jealous of you all! 😛

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      • avatar

        MissDre July 13, 2011, 6:41 pm

        Yeah…. I just get bored LoL

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      • avatar

        Amber July 13, 2011, 5:06 pm

        doesn’t do anything for me either.

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      • avatar

        Spark July 13, 2011, 6:26 pm

        Doesn’t do much for me either. I like it, but it almost never pushes me over the edge.

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      • avatar

        mf July 13, 2011, 4:18 pm

        A lot of women seem to love oral, so it’s definitely worth a shot for the LW.

        However, I’ve gotta agree silver_dragon_girl. It feels nice but it just doesn’t get me “there.”

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  • avatar

    Amber July 13, 2011, 2:45 pm

    Are you able to reach orgasm on your own? Have you tried? Is it just with sex that you don’t reach orgasm? Are you able to when your partner uses oral, fingers, or toys? In what instances do you *think* you had an orgasm, because if you’re not sure I would probably say you didn’t, you would have known. I think there are a lot of unknowns which makes it hard to completely answer your question. It sounds like something you need to work on with yourself and perhaps a therapist and also work on with your potential significant others. If you’re having sex with them you should be able to tell them about your issue and that you’re working on it and you’d appreciate their understanding while you do. In the end it could mean more sex for them while you work on it, which is always a good thing, right? 😉

    I don’t think faking is a good thing because really, you’re hurting yourself. Who wants to never have an orgasm? I know sex is fun without but really you’re missing out on a whole lot of fun by not. I think you also lose part of the emotional part of sex by not orgasming too, helping each other reach orgasm is a great part of the sex experience (at least for me). In the end you’re only cheating yourelf by not working on it. And I’m sure that your potential future partners will only be even more hurt if they find out that you’re only lying about reaching orgasm. Good luck!

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  • avatar

    Amber July 13, 2011, 2:48 pm

    His insecurity is not your fault. And don’t ever fake it – where will that get you? The guy will just think he’s doing everything right, and will just keep doing what doesn’t work. Only through trial and error will you find out what works.

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  • JK

    J July 13, 2011, 2:58 pm

    Be patient… I’ve only had 2 partners, the 1st with a lot of experience, and nothing. With my now husband pretty much from the beginning it’s been amazing!!! Experiment with different positions, sensations, have fun, when the time (and chemistry) is right it will happen!!!

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  • avatar

    kdog July 13, 2011, 2:59 pm

    First of all, don’t fake it! Maybe for a one-night stand or something casual, but in the long-term you won’t be doing either of you any favors. You should try finding things that do help you climax with a guy, for yourself! It’s hard for some women (myself included) to orgasm during sex, but there are things you can do that help it along.

    With that said, a lot of guys have a very hard time understanding how women can enjoy sex without an orgasm, particularly since they’re very conditioned to be end-oriented (think money shots). The thing is, this guy is making your pleasure about him rather than you, and taking it to unnecessary levels (snarkey comments, etc.) which shows that he’s probably a little on the immature/self-centered side. It’s true that a lot of guys would feel the same way, but someone more mature would understand that’s their issue not yours.

    As far as the future goes: something I’m learning is just how delicate and powerful men’s egos really are to them, especially in regards to their sexual partners. Now, I’m not saying that you’re responsible for anyone’s self-worth, but using a few choice compliments here and there can do wonders. Tell him how great he is at X, that he’s THE BEST at Y, that his Z is one your favorite things in the world. Sit back and watch the ego balloon. Once it’s good and amped up tell him the things you’d like from him.

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    • avatar

      Laurel July 13, 2011, 4:09 pm

      “The thing is, this guy is making your pleasure about him rather than you, and taking it to unnecessary levels (snarkey comments, etc.) which shows that he’s probably a little on the immature/self-centered side.”

      THIS! Pressuring someone to orgasm and then making them feel bad for not being able to climax is so counterproductive, unfair and selfish.

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  • avatar

    Meaghan July 13, 2011, 3:03 pm

    I used to fake with my first boyfriend, and by the end of the relationship I resented him for never knowing that he didn’t bring me to orgasm. I started to resent sex itself, and spent the whole time focused on when I was going to “start the show” so to speak. Don’t bother; you’re not helping him, and it’s not going to make you feel better.

    How about you talk to him about ways to make yourself achieve climax? Experiment with different paces and techniques, and be honest with him. He should be man enough to realize this is not about him–it’s about you.

    Also, make sure you give yourself enough alone time to figure out what makes you ‘pop’. If you can’t do it to yourself there’s no way you’ll be able to teach someone else how to do it.

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph July 13, 2011, 3:04 pm

    You need to go get a toy, vibrator, massaging showerhead, something, and figure out what it actually takes to make you orgasm. Then you can help guide the men you’re sleeping with to the right places. How can you ever expect someone else to give you pleasure when you can’t give it to yourself?! (if you could, I would assume you would know whether you reached that point those times you’re not sure about)

    Personally I’ve never reached climax with penetration alone, so I got one of those little vibrators (its the size of a tylenol) on a cord to the controls so you can change the speed. I give my boyfriend the control so he can change it up on me, and I put the little vibrator in the right spot then let him go at it… worked the first time! (and has worked since) If a guy wants to please you, he will submit to the orgasm aids you need.

    For all the years before I finally found the right combination for me, I would always explain that it wasn’t going to happen but that I still enjoy sex. I would never fake it- thats a terrible idea. I think it is a bit of an ego hit to a guy that he can’t do it, but if he’s a good, understanding partner he will get over it. Give him some encouragement, about the things he’s doing right. A little “oh yeah baby” or “ooh I like that” is good, if what he’s doing feels good even if it doesn’t feel good enough to get you there.

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    • avatar

      HolsteinHoney July 13, 2011, 4:56 pm

      Where can I buy this amazing teeny-tiny vibrator?!

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 13, 2011, 5:02 pm

        Hmm I dont remember the site I used but I’m sure they all have it…its called The Egg. I would link to it, but my work internet would not approve (I’m shocked it approves of this site right now). And yes, its amazing.

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      • avatar

        HolsteinHoney July 13, 2011, 5:14 pm

        Well, I guess I know what I am going to use my Savage Love Podcast 50% discount-free-shipping-coupon on at Adam and Eve….

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  • avatar

    BoomChakaLaka July 13, 2011, 3:12 pm

    No! Never, ever, EVER, fake it! You’re only setting yourself up for resentment down the line. If anything, start communicating. Tell him what you like and how you like it. Don’t post-mortem it either! I say, start communicating during the act. If you like that, moan, or even come right out and say it, THIS FEELS GOOOOD!

    However, you may not know yet what actually makes you feel good, so I say do some exploration on your own. (No lie, one of my first FWBs actually told me that! He was a bit peeved as well that he couldn’t get me off) Before even going down the path of physical stimulation, try to get your mind in it too. Do you need candles? Naughty talk? Porn? What does it take to get you in the mood? For me, its cuddling/spooning. That’s all it takes and I’m ready!

    Once you have that, start seeing what makes you feel good. This can be done with yourself or while you’re with someone else. Try to be as open minded as possible, but of course, only do things that YOU feel comfortable with. For now, I would only suggest focus on satisfying yourself and not your partner, but that too, could also be something that makes you tick.

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  • avatar

    lk July 13, 2011, 3:16 pm

    Agree with all the advice not to fake it, experiment on your own, communicate what you like…

    Also, maybe take it extra slow with your new guy, since it sounds like you aren’t really over “Mark” : )

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  • avatar

    Sarah July 13, 2011, 3:20 pm

    Ah, the eternal question. To fake or not to fake. I’m going to make a bold statement and say that while its not good to fake it, its also not good to just resign yourself to having orgasm free sex and hope that the guy is cool with that. What good is it to announce over and over it that you didn’t finish but you “had fun”? Its like telling a guy you went to Disneyland without going on any of the rides. That sh*t gets old. And he knows it.

    You need to learn how to pleasure yourself asap. How can you expect some dude to know where the everlasting gobstopper is if you haven’t found it yet? I know a fair amount of women who can only orgasm with a vibrator/oral/self stimulation. And all of them have boyfriends/husbands/right hands that completely support them orgasming these ways. A guy would make a sex toy out of 400 popsicle sticks,an egg carton and a pop tent if it meant that it got you off.

    In the meantime, there’s an adage I used when I learned how to drive stick that I think applies here: If you can’t find it, grind it. If something feels good during sex, tell him to do more of that, in that way, with your leg wrapped around that. If you’re more vocal in sex about what is almost getting you off, the guy might be less inclined to question you about it when you’re done.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 13, 2011, 3:46 pm

      I would love to know how to make a sex toy out of these materials, because vibrators are expensive!

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      • avatar

        sweetleaf July 13, 2011, 4:58 pm

        I def agree with Sarah. I used to be a little timid about telling a guy what to do although I knew how I liked it. Once I got over that and learned that they are usually there to please my sex life got a lot better…don’t be shy

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  • avatar

    Sailorbabe July 13, 2011, 3:37 pm

    “A guy would make a sex toy out of 400 popsicle sticks,an egg carton and a pop tent if it meant that it got you off.”

    Best. Sex toy. Ever.

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  • leilani

    leilani July 13, 2011, 3:38 pm

    Honestly, it sounds like you’ve never had one, which is fine. I didn’t have my first till I was 19 or so, and didn’t have my first with a partner till about 2 years later. For me, it was a learned skill…I first had to discover what did it for me physically (when I was on my own), and then I had to develop a certain amount of comfort with myself around sexual partners. And even now, I can basically every time from oral, but I never have from regular sex. Very few women literally cannot have an orgasm, so I’d experiment more by yourself with a vibrator and some fantasy-producing material before you assume its a lost cause.

    In the meantime, I think you should stop bringing this up like its an issue. You shouldn’t feel required to orgasm to satisfy someone else’s idea of what your sexual experience should be like. I definitely would never tell guys its because you have some kind of emotional hangups, because that makes it into a big problem, when it seems like that’s not how you personally view it. If I were you, I wouldn’t say anything about it, and when it comes up, just say something like “In the past, I’ve never come easily, especially with a new partner”. That makes it clear that it isn’t their fault, per say, but also doesn’t make it seem like you have some kind of weird issues, when you really are experiencing something that tons of women face.

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    • avatar

      SpaceySteph July 13, 2011, 3:44 pm

      I think whether to say anything first depends on the type of sex partner. Like if its a one night stand, I wouldn’t bother. Who cares?
      But if its a longterm boyfriend or good friend with whom the benefits are starting, I would discuss it. Its better to bring this stuff out in the open, and then paves the way for the next conversation: “I haven’t ever climaxed with a guy before, but here’s my new toy, want to see if we can get me off together?”

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      • leilani

        leilani July 13, 2011, 3:56 pm

        Well, I would assume it would naturally come up with any frequent sex partner. And I’m just saying when it does come up, I wouldn’t present it like it was something wrong with me. I would just say that it hasn’t really happened for me in the past and keep the conversation light.

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  • avatar

    MiMi July 13, 2011, 3:42 pm

    Faking orgasms is a road you don’t want to go down. It injects a basic untruth into the heart of any new relationship and no good can come of it, especiallly if the man turns out to be someone really special.
    If the female orgasm was a well-understood science with known, fool-proof techniques for bringing one about, maybe “Mark” would be justified in questioning his skills. But no, our orgasms can be mysterious and the keys to achieving them unique and changeable for each of us. To take it all personally and essentially ruin your friendship without listening to reason speaks to a lack of self-esteem on his part. You are not responsible for how he took it and propping his shaky self up with a fake orgasm would not have been better for either of you in the long run.
    Other than typical advice to maybe get yourself some toys and learn how your body works a little bit better for your own edification, I think your attitude of enjoying the activity for its own sake without putting the focus on a big “finish” is just right. No need to issue disclaimers or resort to subterfuge with a new partner, unless it is to delight him by suggesting that a girl who doesn’t finish is never really finished…
    I know whereof I speak 🙂

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    • avatar

      honeybeenicki July 13, 2011, 3:54 pm

      I definitely agree with learning your body on your own. And whats great about that – with or without toys – is you can then coach your partner on what they can do for you.

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  • avatar

    MissDre July 13, 2011, 3:43 pm

    I’ve still never “finished” 🙁 Not with a partner, or on my own! Boo! 🙁

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    • avatar

      silver_dragon_girl July 13, 2011, 4:05 pm

      Boo indeed 🙁 If you haven’t tried one, get a bullet toy, one that runs on at least 2 AA batteries (the littler ones are wimpy).

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      • avatar

        Christy July 13, 2011, 5:45 pm

        I disagree! A Pocket Rocket with a fresh AA is amazing! To each her own, I guess. 🙂

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      • avatar

        silver_dragon_girl July 13, 2011, 10:07 pm

        Ooh, I haven’t heard of this…I will research!

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    • avatar

      mf July 13, 2011, 4:20 pm

      I was in your position until my BF got me a vibrator. If you don’t have one, spend $100 on a good one. I know it sounds like a lot, but it’s, um, definitely worth it.

      P.S. It probably won’t make you finish the first time around, but after a few times, I’ll bet you’ll have some success 🙂

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      • leilani

        leilani July 13, 2011, 4:24 pm

        Good point. My ex-boyfriend bought me my first vibrator as well, and I was bummed when I first got it because I expected it to be this magical orgasm machine and it actually just felt kind of weird. But after enough experimentation, I figured it out and ever since, its worked every time….

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      • avatar

        Nadine July 14, 2011, 6:43 am

        Mine was upfront pretty much a magic orgasm machine…….

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      • avatar

        SpaceySteph July 13, 2011, 4:36 pm

        Haha, definitely worth it. These days you can order them online and have them delivered to your front door and nobody ever needs to see you in a sex shop. Go take care of yourself!

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  • avatar

    honeybeenicki July 13, 2011, 3:53 pm

    Don’t fake it! I don’t want to echo all of the other people, but just don’t. Some women have a more difficult time climaxing than others. Some people are unable to ever have an orgasm with a partner but can by themselves. Have you tried toys? It is pretty fun and easy to incorporate them into sex. Also, there are enhancement creams that are awesome for women. Try finding one made with mint or menthol because it is a natural way to get blood flowing exactly where you want it. Pure Romance offers some great ones that you might want to try.

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  • avatar

    justpeachy July 13, 2011, 3:02 pm

    If this were an issue that only reared its head every once in a while, like when you haven’t gotten enough sleep or are excessively stressed, it probably wouldn’t be the worst thing to fake it. But since it’s a consistent problem, faking it isn’t the way to go.

    Why not try to turn it into a game? Go to a toy shop with your boyfriend, pick up some “aids”, and try some new techniques.

    Maybe try this technique. It’s technical enough that it might help you both out:

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  • avatar

    LTC039 July 13, 2011, 3:06 pm

    I say you do some reasearch. Do you do foreplay, or do you usually just go straight to sex? If it’s the latter : DO FOREPLAY! This is obviously something you’ve been struggling with for years & continue to struggle with. Even if it’s not sucha big deal to you, it will be to some men, as you already know!
    The best policy is honesty. As corny as it sounds, it’s the truth. Like others have said, you’re only cheating yourself if you fake it. If your friend can’t handle the truth & isn’t willing to try, then why would you want him as a future partner anyway?
    Try it out with this new guy. Be honest, maybe you guys can research together. There are TONS of women who deal with the same thing & I’m sure there’s plenty about it on the internet. If it was an emotional thing, I don’t think it’d be happening with every single guy you’ve been with.
    Just NEVER fake it.

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  • avatar

    oldie July 13, 2011, 4:07 pm

    Everyone else has given you such good advice, that I won’t repeat. I’ll just comment that your letter reveals more than a little relationship confusion. You describe your just finished relationship as FWB, yet turn around in the next sentence and say that your FWB Mark is a guy that you could happily spend the rest of your life with, after you’ve both sown your wild oats. That is a tough position to get one’s head around and puts your current bf, whom you don’t identify as a FWB, in a tough situation. Are you really expecting that you and Mark will each have a few bf/gf or FWB and then get back together for the rest of your lives? This sounds very unrealistic and if this is what you’re thinking, I don’t think you’re ready to have a new bf. You sound very unavailable emotionally at the moment.

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  • avatar

    kerrycontrary July 13, 2011, 4:09 pm

    Oh no honey, do NOT fake it just to stroke your man’s ego. You will achieve the big bang one day. It takes a while and a lot of experimentation to figure out what gets most women going. While I’m sure you like this guy a lot, he handled what you told him in a really immature way. On top of that, most guys would rather know what it takes to get you to “finish” rather than having you fake it and find out later that it was all a lie. I would try to experiment on your own (no matter how skeeved out you are by the thought), and then you will be able to give men more direction in the future.

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  • sobriquet

    sobriquet July 13, 2011, 4:21 pm

    You are not alone! I only orgasm during oral stimulation. Tell your boyfriend that you, like many women, do not get “off” during sex, but that doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy it. I don’t understand why this would be a big deal to a man. Just because you’re not about to orgasm doesn’t mean you can’t still be vocal during sex. Let him know you’re enjoying it! That’s all a guy should care about. Don’t fake it unless you want to have to fake it every single time you have sex.

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  • avatar

    AKchic July 13, 2011, 5:37 pm

    Women don’t always orgasm. Some women NEVER orgasm. It’s been said that women haven’t quite “evolved” enough to orgasm yet. Of course, not all women.

    First, you need to know WHAT exactly triggers your orgasms. For many, it isn’t penetration. Play around with yourself, a vibrator, etc and figure out what DOES get you off.

    Also, explain to your boyfriend that women don’t orgasm every time. It feels good, but hey, we just don’t do it like that. Guys do because it’s a biological imperative. Women are the “receiving” end. It doesn’t matter if we do or not, our egg is going to be released either way.
    You can also try some of that new lubricant that came out on the market for “Her” pleasure. Never tried it, but you never know. It might work.

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    • avatar

      kdog July 14, 2011, 3:27 pm

      Actually, there are evolutionary biologists who believe that women don’t orgasm every time because it benefits us to be choosier. If we had orgasms all over the place we would be more likely to have more sex and be knocked up all the time with loser baby-daddies. (Obviously this can still happen, but an evasive orgasm can help reduce it.) There have been studies showing we are more likely to orgasm if we have emotional attachments or if the guy has better genes. Also, few people know this, but the female orgasm facilitates insemination, so we’re more likely to get knocked up if we have one a few minutes before or after the dude comes. This is obviously opposed to guys, where it’s beneficial to be rewarded for spreading his stuff around willy nilly.

      Long story short, we’ve evolved in our own direction. Just because we didn’t evolve like a man doesn’t mean we are less evolved. Sexist logic in action there without a doubt.

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    smo July 13, 2011, 6:24 pm

    Dont ever fake it! The whole reason its even an issue in the first place is from those girls who always fake it. Guys get used to that and think its the norm for girls to always orgasm!

    Prior to dating me, my fiance said all of his previous girlfriends almost ALWAYS came. (He also said they never farted – please!) His constant questioning of how to fix it only made me more tense. Once I relaxed, and he realized it wasnt going to happen EVERY time, it became much easier to climax. Good luck!

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  • KKZ

    HeyNonnyNonny July 13, 2011, 7:48 pm

    It is possible to climax without actually having an orgasm. I’m pretty much an expert at it, because it’s how 95% of my sex turns out. There’s a buildup, there’s a part where it feels really really good and I’m thoroughly enjoying it, and then that subsides and I’m ready to stop having sex. And that middle bit, the climaxing bit, rarely involves a ‘real’ orgasm for me. I hit a peak of pleasure, a point where (in that moment) I can go no further, even if I’m not getting the physiological ‘symptoms’ or reactions of a true orgasm. I find this kind of sex just as satisfying as when I do actually come – I don’t feel ripped off or let down. It’s a ‘separate but equal’ alternative to an orgasm.
    That said, it does mean finding different way to communicate that I’m done sexing. If there’s no physical orgasm for my husband to feel/witness, I make it apparent that I’ve hit my climax (the usual moaning and grabbing the sheets and arching my back and whatnot) and then that I’m cooling down (breathe deeper, move less, relax), as a signal for him to wrap things up.
    Some might call this faking. For me, I ‘come’ a different way, so I show it a different way. If the guy asks “Did you come?” I wouldn’t find it dishonest to say “Yes.” (I really hate being asked that question at all, though.) I guess that answer is really only 100% honest if both people are operating on the same definition of what it means to come and he knows exactly what that “Yes” means, but to be frank, I don’t see a whole lot of harm in letting him think you had a physical one when you still reached a climax, as long as you were satisfied with sexual experience.

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    • avatar

      HolsteinHoney July 13, 2011, 8:19 pm

      I get the same feeling you describe above… there is an increase, a “pressure-building” sensation, but I don’t explode like I do with a vibrator. Instead it’s like a slow warmth that spreads through me during intercourse due to G-Spot stimulation. After doing a lot of reading and discussing I figured out that what I was feeling was an orgasm, just a different one. It could be that the LW is having a G-spot orgasm, for which she should be congratulated. If you can focus in on that building up, I always find that the plateau is at a “higher level.”

      I have really struggled to describe this feeling to people and this is the closest I’ve gotten to it making even a little bit of sense. I feel like my vagina just drank some hot chocolate and the warmth is spreading through my body. Rather than the equivalence of a sneezing sensation during a clitoral orgasm. God that sounds super sexy…

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      • KKZ

        HeyNonnyNonny July 13, 2011, 10:37 pm

        I had my first g-spot orgasm a few weeks ago, and it was a lot like what you described. It’s like being shocked with electricity in super slow-mo. Definitely one of the longest-lasting orgasms I’ve ever had – but I must say, and maybe this is because I’m used to non-orgasmic sex, if EVERY time was that intense I don’t know if I could handle it!
        I’ve also read about and practiced the Fire Breath orgasm, a completely touchless technique. It’s a little on the hippie-dippie side, one of those things you have to believe will work in order to get anything out of it, but the effect of it on me was similar to the “climaxing without orgasming” experience I usually have during sex. Unfortunately, because of the concentration it requires, I’ve only been able to do it solo, not during sex.

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        HolsteinHoney July 13, 2011, 11:29 pm

        Ooh, I have tried that (I have a really hard time orgasming in front of a partner). I have used it when my boyfriend is going down on me in an effort to help things along. And I get that building sensation without any of the payoff… :/ But anything that helps I guess!

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    Skybird July 13, 2011, 9:19 pm

    Don’t fake it! If you start faking there to make him feel better about himself, you could eventually end up “faking” other things about yourself, and soon, you lose sight of who you are and you can’t communicate the most basic of feelings and or preferences to your significant other. It all starts here. Don’t let it start here. Be true to you. Let him know that you’ve had difficulties in the past and it is not a reflection on him. If he persists thinking it is a reflection on him, that’s something he has to deal with. TRUST ME ON THIS.

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    Cporoski July 14, 2011, 5:52 am

    Wow, I totally disagree with people on this. I am not saying fake it everytime but throw a guy a bone. I feel like it is like every well intended lie. Like when I made a horrible dinner one time, my husband said he liked it because I worked so hard. it was sweet and he loved me and didn’t want to hurt me.

    As far as you working on yourself, I think everyone is spot on. Don’t give up but if you were shooting this guy down all time time, no wonder he couldn’t take it anymore. I think you broke his heart.

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  • avatar

    LW - "Fake Out" July 14, 2011, 1:41 pm

    Thank you so much to everyone’s comments… I really have received some great advice. It’s clearly an overwhelming “no” to faking, which I’m extremely relieved about. I just wouldn’t feel comfortable at all with lying like that.
    There were a couple of interesting comments about an “alternate” type of orgasm, which I believe is what I generally experience– hence the not being so sure about what it was exactly. I was once asked if I came, and I said “yes,” not knowing if that really counted. The guy then asked “Did you actually come, or did you *kind of* come?” It was an interesting distinction, that apparently he knew about (though I disagree with the “kind of” part– whatever it was, it was satisfying.) I do know what I like, and I love to experiment, I just don’t think my climax going to happen the “normal” way most of the time. It’s something I guess I have to explain, rather that just say I don’t orgasm at all… I definitely like that better, so thank you!
    A couple of people mentioned that I don’t seem to be over my weird FWB thing. Honestly, I know that I’m not… and I didn’t mean to suggest that I’m throwing myself into anything serious right now. What drove me to write the letter was that this question was haunting me, even with just the prospect of a light summer fling. Again, this problem was a huge factor in the fact that Mark and I decided to put our thing- whatever it was- on hold. It’s extremely frightening to know that a relationship with so much love (which we both know we feel for each other) can be damaged to such an extreme by something like this. Hopefully after all this awesome advice, I have the proper understanding to make this a non-issue in future relationships, regardless of their nature, and who I’m with.
    Thanks again to EVERYONE for their thoughts and support.

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    • MaterialsGirl

      Elizabeth July 14, 2011, 2:13 pm

      I’ve found, too, that it can actually be a ‘learned’ experience. when i was younger.. nada.. now…(and of course being with my BF for several years), i’ve gotten comfortable with my body and can recognize ‘signs’ and what to do with them. In some cases it’s the “sorta” one everyone talks about and in others it’s the full blown one. Again, took years and mostly just learning to recognize signs and destress/not think about the grocery list

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    Eden July 14, 2011, 10:20 pm

    I’d say have him try oral to see if that makes a difference. Alot of women who have difficulty orgasming report getting one after oral.

    Good luck!

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