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“Should I Turn In My Ex?”

My boyfriend of a year and a half recently ended our relationship (via Facebook chat!), citing that there was too much stress in his life to have a relationship. There were lots of “I still love you” from both sides and “maybe the breakup will end up being a mistake” and a bunch of other sappy cop-out lines from him to try and protect my poor, delicate feelings. It has now become clear from talking to his friends, that he was bored and unhappy for quite some time before he ended it. Throughout the relationship, he was grumpy, negative, bitter, refused to hang out with my friends, destroyed my self-esteem, and now I’m finding out, possibly cheated on me with the girl he is dating now (three weeks after the breakup). He also accepted a bunch of money from me to pay his medical bills and then used to money on a bunch of other stuff. All in all, I was basically treated like shit (according to his friends and mine) and taken advantage of throughout the relationship. The thing is, I have some legal dirt on him about a pretty major theft he committed a while back for which he was never caught. The crime took place before I met him. I have enough details to where I could possibly get him in trouble with the law. Should I turn him in? What are possible consequences for me in doing this? — Tempted to Bring Down the Gavel


Love have no fury like a lady scorned who happens to have some dirt that could possibly get you in legal trouble, huh? But when that lady starts spreading that dirt, she’s not just getting her ex in possible trouble, she’s putting herself in a vulnerable position as well. By going to the authorities with the information you have, not only will you likely have to answer an endless stream of questions, including why you’re only now coming forward, there may be legal repercussions you’re unaware of as well (I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t speak to what those specific repercussions might be, but I’m willing to bet there could be some). In addition, you will be opening yourself up to potential retaliation by a very angry ex who has proven himself to have a less than stellar character. Who knows what he’s capable of and what kind of danger you’d be putting yourself in.

I’m not telling you not to come forward with the information you have, but I’m cautioning you to think very carefully about your motives. You aren’t interested in helping law officials solve a crime, or in justice being served for the victim. You just want to get back at your ex for being mean to you. And I’m telling you that that plan could very well backfire in a big, big way. If you really were concerned about doing the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing, you might be more emotionally prepared for whatever consequences you might face. But to go this route for the sake of revenge is something else altogether, and considering the fragile emotional state you seem to be in, I’d think very carefully before doing something with such serious repercussions that cannot be un-done.

A much better way to exact revenge on your ex is to MOA and not look back. Focus on how nice it is to no longer be with someone who treats you like shit. Spend time doing things that fill you with joy, rather than obsessing over the things that bring you down and prolong the negativity you’ve been living in for so long. Move on, and work on repairing your self-esteem. Your ex will get what’s coming to him sooner or later. That’s the way karma works.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

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{ 74 comments… add one }

avatar ReginaRey March 29, 2011, 3:12 pm

I completely agree with Wendy – Karma always, ALWAYS gets them in the end. And your douchey, lying, cheating, crime-committing ex-boyfriend is just the kind of person who karma always gets back at worst.

You don’t need to turn him in to make his life miserable. Girl, if you hadn’t noticed…your ex ALREADY has a miserable existence – what kind of person borrows money he blows on things OTHER than medical bills, refuses to hang out with his girlfriend’s friends, breaks up with a girlfriend on facebook chat, and then dates another girl three weeks later?? The best revenge you can exact is to allow him to wallow in his own filth, and never, EVER speak to him again.

And now, can we all hear the *thud* of you closing the chapter, nay BOOK, on this relationship once and for all? Go out there and be wildly successful, and find someone who would be *horrified* to treat you the way he did – it’s the best revenge of all.

avatar Green_Blessings_Goddess March 29, 2011, 3:19 pm

Karma is a nice new age fantasy that is bs. Nonetheless, don’t do it because you are putting yourself in harm and can get in trouble for having info about a crime and keeping it quiet.

Although this is how many men are caught that are tax cheating by scorned lovers or wives cheated on.

It is not right what he did but why would you want to be with someone that treats you like garbage and is not respecting you and not happy and you don’t sound too happy about having been with him either.

Let him go because if he goes to jail over this and has hassles he might pay someone to harm you, leave this sleeping dog lie in the heat of the August afternoon and move onto the golden autumn of a new relationship.

avatar spaceboy761 March 29, 2011, 3:28 pm

Apu: I always thought karma was baloney, but now I know it’s not.
Homer: Mmmm, caramel baloney [drools]

avatar ReginaRey March 29, 2011, 3:33 pm

Spaceboy, I adore your comments.

avatar spaceboy761 March 29, 2011, 3:38 pm

Whatever I lack in genuine insight, I try to make up with snark and oblique pop culture references. But thank you.

Anyway, Apu is right. Karma is baloney. Karma (as used here) is the cry of the loser who refuses to take control of their own situation and just assumes that some cosmic force will do it for them. Lame.

avatar ReginaRey March 29, 2011, 3:42 pm

Agree that some people use karma as an excuse not to take control of their own situation. Disagree that it’s complete baloney. I personally think there’s something to be said for “what goes around comes around.” I’ve seen it happen too many times…and whatever you want to call it, it always makes you feel good when d-bags get what was coming to them in the end. But you’re right – best to buck up and get your shit together, and stop trying to intercede.

avatar TheGirl March 29, 2011, 4:21 pm

Karma is not divine intervention, it’s just the knowledge that someone who acts like a jerk all the time is eventually going to act like a jerk to the wrong person and get themselves in trouble.

avatar Maracuya March 29, 2011, 6:04 pm

Comment of the week right here!

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't March 29, 2011, 8:13 pm

Actually love this. I’m writing it on a sticky note and sticking it to my mirror.

avatar Blitzen March 30, 2011, 6:17 am

@GBG: no, karma is not a “new age” concept. It dates back thousands of years, and has roots in Buddhism. I am a Buddhist and I’ve been brought up believing it. It simply states that whatever goes around, comes around. Of course, you are entitled to think it is baloney. Just wanted to clear things up.

avatar ladiejoy March 30, 2011, 9:46 am

GBG, haven’t you proclaimed to be Wiccan before? That’s a fairly “new age” concept as well… seems strange that you brush off Karma as “new age BS”, if that’s the case. But then – nothing makes sense about your online personality, multi-faceted as it is.

avatar FS123 March 30, 2011, 5:21 pm

I am also a Wiccan/Pagan, and I was mystified when I read this because the day before, GBG had sighted the Wiccan Rede – the Threefold Law – that states the intent you put out into the world, good or bad, comes back threefold. Sounds very similar to the idea of Karma, no? Also, kudos to the Buddhist – that was the first thing my husband said.

I paid special attention because it had upset me the way the Threefold Law was used almost as a curse hurled in the LW’s teeth (and undeservedly so). People can not wish the intent to come back on others for their actions, the energy returns by its own methods and in its own time, no judgements or shaming needed.

As a Wiccan, I felt the need to say these things. I am proud of my religion because shaming and ill will are not a part of it.

avatar FS123 March 30, 2011, 5:27 pm

The comment about the Threefold Law appeared in comments from Monday’s letter written by the woman who had set up her friend with the man who was looking for a green card, not this one. Sorry about that.

avatar RoyalEagle0408 March 29, 2011, 3:23 pm

My first instinct was, “Of course you should turn him in!”, but then after reading Wendy’s advice I realized that the motivation is completely wrong. And yeah, the LW could get in trouble as well.

Like Wendy said, just MOA and forget about him.

avatar TheOtherMe March 29, 2011, 3:31 pm

Turning him in would only make you seem like a bitter ex-girlfriend and I’m sure that is not how you want to be perceived.

Be the girl that turned the page, be bigger than he was.

avatar justpeachy March 29, 2011, 3:32 pm

I would consult with a lawyer. If you are determined to use this information against your ex, you need to protect yourself by knowing who to give the information to, what information to give, and what the ramifications of your actions could be. Once you have all the facts as to what could happen, you should be able to make a decision easier.

avatar spaceboy761 March 29, 2011, 3:42 pm

I wouldn’t even waste the money to retain a lawyer over this douche. The most she could do was threaten to go to the police with the info unless he returns the money he ‘borrowed’ for his ‘medical bills’, and hopefully put the fear of God in him.

avatar justpeachy March 29, 2011, 3:51 pm

I would agree with you, but that’ could be construed as extortion. He could easily argue that it was a gift rather than a loan if she doesn’t have any sort of contract. If she plans on using the information against him in ANY way, she should consult a lawyer.

Heather Heather March 29, 2011, 4:17 pm

That’s what I was going to say. Regardless of what an obviously bad person this guy is, his lawyer could easily pony up that it was a gift, and now she’s trying to extort him.

avatar Hana March 29, 2011, 6:50 pm

Some lawyers will talk to you without charging and will give you some answers. There are also pro-bono lawyers to help in cases certain cases. Students at law schools will sometimes help and teachers there make for good resources if you can not hire someone. I don’t want people, especially if there are victims of a crime, reading this and think they can not get help/advice because they can’t afford it. ..

In LWs case if you turn him in they will question why you waited and you could get a serious charge. Know what the consequences are. But to everyone commenting, we don’t know what the crime was beyond a theft. It could have been a huge crime or a small one. If it was something very serious that endangered other people, regardless of reasons it may be a good idea to think about turning him in.

Keep in mind though that if everything goes to plan and you turn him in and he gets jail time you are the one who has to live with doing that to him. That is a big deal, not a small consequence to be dealt to someone out of spite.

avatar plasticepoxy March 30, 2011, 10:48 am

Just being nit-picky, but I don’t agree with your statement, “Keep in mind though…you are the one who has to live with doing that to him”. In my opinion, he did it to himself when he committed the crime. Just because he hasn’t been caught thus far doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his actions.

However, I don’t think the LW has the right motives for turning him in and she should consider the consequences of her actions (and her motives) before moving forward with turning him in. And I do mean consequences for herself as well as her ex.

avatar kate March 30, 2011, 5:00 pm

Law students cannot give legal advice. They will refer you to an attorney who is licensed.

avatar EC was here March 30, 2011, 10:59 am

I agree with you on consulting an attorney. I wonder what the extent of the crime is, such as did he participate in an armed robbery, etc. I would want to determine if there could be a way to leave an anonymous tip or something with the police to assist them in solving the crime. I’d hate to have a guilty conscience over it.

avatar Maracuya March 29, 2011, 3:37 pm

You can sate your need for schadenfreude naturally. Just step back and watch his new relationship implode because of the train wreck he is.

Skyblossom Skyblossom March 29, 2011, 3:38 pm

If he commited a crime where someone was hurt then you would need to report it. If it was along the lines of child pornography, armed robbery, or tricking elderly people out of their life savings then you would need to report it but otherwise don’t bother. Even if you do eventually turn him in you would want to do it through a tip line where no one would know the tip came from you because he could retaliate. If you turned him in would you have trouble sleeping at night because you’d be worried about him being out there waiting to get you?

I think the big question you really need to ask yourself is why this crime didn’t bother you enough so that you broke up with him? What other red flags were flapping in front of you and you ignored them? Why? Why didn’t his treatment of you drive you away? Why didn’t you dump him?

If you can answer these questions you will be so much further ahead of him because you won’t repeat this type of relationship and he’ll still be living a crummy life. Take this time to reflect on yourself and your choices. Be picky, you’re worth it.

avatar Saffron March 29, 2011, 5:47 pm

Well the thing is that he stole something of great value (thousands of dollars) from someone’s property while the person was in prison. So I figured it wasn’t something that made me horrified of him as a person because I guess I figured it was karma (buzzword of the day!) that the guy would come back to find his stuff missing. Although in hindsight I should have recognized that he likes taking advantage of people in unfortunate positions.

avatar rainbow March 29, 2011, 3:39 pm

I’d say if you want to be the bigger person here you should keep your mouth shut.
As Wendy said, it looks like you’re doing this to get back at him, not because you want to be a law-abiding citizen (or you would have turned him in when you found out, not only now that you’re mad at him).
I believe other people’s secrets should be kept even after you stop loving them, if you agreed to keep them in the first place. It’s part of being a good person.
Of course I see exceptions to this, I would advice you to go to the police with the info if he started harassing you, or became dangerous in any way, so they can do their thing about the theft and keep him away from you in the process. But the fact that he’s douchey and has a new girlfriend and used money you gave him in a way you didn’t like is not enough to do your best to send him to jail, in my opinion.
Move on, have fun, meet nice people and try to choose a better boyfriend in the future. It should be enough revenge.

avatar ladiejoy March 30, 2011, 9:50 am

“I believe other people’s secrets should be kept even after you stop loving them, if you agreed to keep them in the first place. It’s part of being a good person.”

Love.

avatar WatersEdge March 29, 2011, 3:39 pm

An example of karma for the LW to cling to as she slowly recovers from this breakup:

I dated a similar kind of guy for a few years. He cheated on me, stole from his place of work to sell the items for a profit, took my money to “pay his bills” but could somehow afford to buy illicit drugs and hide his use of them from me. I do believe that he loved me in his way, but he was very, very troubled.

Fast forward from us meeting to one year into our relationship: He failed out of college, ran his car into a tree 2 days after my mother loaned him the money for it and totaled it, got thrown out of his house, and secretly hooked up with his best friend’s girlfriend. Fast forward 2 years, to when we broke up: Was charged with transporting stolen goods across state lines, paid some fines, had a bunch of court hearings. Ran off with best friend’s girlfriend and married her. Still no college degree. Broken relationships with his parents. Basically dropped off the face of the earth. Fast forward 5 years from our breakup: He is divorced, has a new girlfriend who makes all the money, still no college degree, broken relationship with his parents, a fledgling career that makes no money, and last time I saw him, he hit on me… so he’s still a cheater.

Me 7 years later: Happily married, have a doctorate, personal and professional success, life is good.

The gap between the two of you is just going to widen with time, as you build on your success and he continues to accumulate failures. You don’t need to do a damn thing in this scenario. He will get his.

avatar rainbow March 29, 2011, 3:42 pm

amen.

Heather Heather March 29, 2011, 4:14 pm

Aww, girl, MOA. MOA and don’t look back. For your own sake, not for his.

landygirl Landy March 29, 2011, 4:47 pm

In the immortal words of George Herbert (and Ivana Trump)…Living well is the best revenge. Forgive yourself and move on. he can screw up his life all by himself.

Jess Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com March 29, 2011, 5:01 pm

Revenge is tempting but your desire for it will fade soon and then you’ll be SO glad that you didn’t act on this impulse. Walk away and rise above it. Not because of any moral code but because it’s the fastest way to get this toxic person out of your life. Spring is here! It’s a time to renew!

avatar Diana March 29, 2011, 5:05 pm

wendy’s last paragraph is perfect. MOA and just live the most fabulous life you can and he’ll get his. i know how it feels to want to get back at someone who has treated you SOOO poorly, but the best revenge truly is to forget about that person and watch them destroy their own life. you can do it.

avatar Diana March 29, 2011, 5:05 pm

wendy’s last paragraph is perfect. MOA and just live the most fabulous life you can and he’ll get his. i know how it feels to want to get back at someone who has treated you SOOO poorly, but the best revenge truly is to forget about that person and watch them destroy their own life. you can do it.

avatar AKchic March 29, 2011, 5:08 pm

You didn’t specify WHAT crime he committed. If he committed a murder, then yes, by all means – give the police the information. In some states, the spousal immunity clause does cover non-married couples.

Otherwise, let sleeping dogs, well, you know. Since you didn’t specify the crime, we don’t know if it was a violent one or not. If you were to say something to the police and he starts being questioned but not arrested right away, who do you think he will suspect gave the police that information? Who do you think he is going to retaliate against? You can’t get a restraining order based on an assumption that he will come after you; he has to make the first move before you can get one.

To reiterate: unless someone was murdered, or required hospitalization (we’ll include a visit to the ER for stitches), robbed a bank, shot up a building, or moved massive amounts of drugs and sold them to school children; just let it go. Live well and act as if the relationship never happened. He is no longer consequential to your life, therefore, he does not exist.
I wish you a happy future and a better boyfriend more deserving of your generosity.

avatar princesspetticoat March 29, 2011, 10:06 pm

Well she actually said it was “a pretty major theft” so we do have some idea of what kind of crime it was.

avatar Roman March 29, 2011, 5:21 pm

As a law student I would strongly urge you to turn him in because this sounds like it could be a really interesting case to read in a casebook. Most of the cases are boring as hell…

Just playin’. Live it alone and move on. It wont’ help you in any way to turn him in and it may hurt you emotionally and legally.

avatar Reality Bites March 29, 2011, 5:24 pm

Ok, I am a criminal lawyer. Since I don’t know what state this is in, I can’t speak to whether or not she would get in trouble. Generally speaking though, unless you took part in the crime, aided in the getaway or planning, lied to the police, helped cover up information etc, simply having information does not make you guilty. If he committed a theft, there is a victim out there who has unanswered questions and is out something of value. If you were the victim, wouldn’t you want someone with information to come forward so that there is the slight possibility you could recover your loss? What if he stole things with sentimental value that are irreplaceable? Your grandmother’s wedding ring? The camera with your honeymoon pictures on it?
After doing this work for years, it’s rare that a person only commits one theft. There are usually a string of them. For all you know there could be dozens of victims who suffered the same fate and the information you have could break open the case and give them all closure. From the way she describes it, this is not a shoplifting or a juvenile prank, but a conscious decision to take something from someone else. While her intentions might not be the purest, sometimes it’s better to do he rigt thin for the wrong reasons than to do nothing at all.
Again, laws vary by state, but in my state, giving someone a false impression to obtain money (i.e. telling you the money is for medical bills but is really for beer) is chargeable as theft in itself.

avatar Saffron March 29, 2011, 6:00 pm

Yes, he went through a period where he was a kleptomaniac before we dated. Mostly he stole from places where his job had contracts and things like that. So most of the victims were corporations, government organizations, or other entities of that sort. This was the only individual victim of his that I know about. I never took part in any of the crimes or actively hid the information, it just never came up. I didn’t want my boyfriend to go to jail because I loved him at the time, so I wasn’t going to turn him in. If I were to use an anonymous tip line/e-mail, would it be truly anonymous, or would they be able to/try to track me down through my phone or IP address?

avatar ArtsyGirly March 29, 2011, 6:56 pm

Most cities have an anonymous tip line for crimes such as Crime Stoppers. That way you can give the police the information but wont have it come back and bite you in the ass or have to testify against him.

avatar Hana March 29, 2011, 7:07 pm

Based off your answers and Realty Bites response I would suggest turning him in. Using an anonymous tip line it should be anonymous. The police will not come after you to ask questions, however if there is a way for you to not be anonymous you should probably do that. Authorities will need witnesses and information from reliable sources.

I mentioned above but I’m not sure if you know that many time a lawyer will answer your questions for free before you hire them to represent you. This can be thought of as an interview you are giving the lawyer about your case. Don’t be afraid to look up a law office in your area and call or e-mail.

Before you do anything make sure you can protect yourself from your ex. I’m sure many people don’t know this about him and even if the police are told anonymously, when questioned your ex may guess it is you that told. Based on the fact that he has a criminal past, he may come after you. Be prepared.

avatar Reality Bites March 29, 2011, 7:24 pm

Consulting a local lawyer who knows the laws of your state would be a good idea. Even if you don’t hire them, any information you tell him in a consultation would be privileged and confidential.

avatar Reality Bites March 29, 2011, 7:20 pm

I can’t really give legal advice since I don’t know the particulars of your state and your situation. I can only say what I know happens where I’m from. I’m in a small community that doesn’t have it’s own devoted crime tip line. If you call your local law enforcement agency or 911 to make a report, even if you don’t give your name, every incoming call is documented including the number called from. My understanding of other anonymous tip lines is that they are truly anonymous. You might try googling your local tipline to see if they have policies online such as destruction of recordings or firewall to prevent recording of numbers. From my perspective, the problem we run into with anonymous tips is that anonymous information may point law enforcement in the right direction, but it can’t be used to obtain search warrants or file charges. Just because I know who did something, I can’t charge them until I have the evidence to prove it. On the other hand, it does point law enforcement in the right direction where they can go after information to corroborate what you told them. With your tip, they could go to his company and verify his employment, access to the place where things were taken, etc.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I will say, if you choose to turn him in, don’t feel guilty. You’re not the one who stole, he made that decision on his own. Just because he’s gotten away with it so far, doesn’t excuse his actions or mean he deserves to go without consequences for his criminal behavior.

sobriquet sobriquet March 29, 2011, 8:24 pm

@Saffron- Only do it if you truly, truly care about the victim and only do it if you’re prepared to live with the emotional repercussions of fucking up your ex’s life. Yes, it is his fault for committing the crimes, but it will be your fault for sending him to jail if you decide to spitefully turn him in. You didn’t care back when he told you, so why the hell do you care now?! He broke up with you, so to get him back you want to send him to JAIL? Leave it alone.

avatar plasticepoxy March 30, 2011, 12:15 pm

@Sobriquet- If it isn’t going to hurt her, and could help others, why should she worry about “fucking up her ex’s life”? HE’s the one who fucked it up. He’s the one who committed the crime. It feels like you’re trying to shame her into keeping this a secret and giving her a responsibility that just isn’t hers.
I agree that spite wouldn’t be the best reason to turn him in, but I really feel that if it doesn’t hurt her, helps others (the victim of the theft, for example), the fact that spite is her motive doesn’t change the fact that he committed a crime.
I also think that LW should think about people her ex could hurt in the future, maybe this would put a stop to his cycle of hurting and using people?

Skyblossom Skyblossom March 30, 2011, 7:55 am

You are a victim of this man because he used you to get money. He probably dumped you because you were asking for your money back or were no longer giving money out. Now he’s found his next victim and moved on. He has a habit of taking advantage of every situation for his own gain. Be glad that you are rid of him. He will very likely victimize people his entire life.

If you use Skype to call then your number won’t show or you could make a call from a location where you wouldn’t normally be and so wouldn’t be linked to the phone. You might have to think about it for a while to come up with a way to turn him in where it can’t be linked to you if that is what you decide to do. First and always, keep yourself safe. When deciding what to do put your safety first.

avatar cmarie March 29, 2011, 6:07 pm

I’m going to say it, Do it. Turn him in. He committed a crime and granted the LW is only doing it for revenge he still deserves to be punished for it and the victim deserves closure. Having something stolen from you is a huge invasion of privacy and even if you were never in danger it can really put you on edge, especially if it stolen in a home invasion. If you do decide to turn him in do it anonymously that way you stay as far away from the situation, and the ex as possible. You have to do what’s right, even if part of the reason is to make yourself feel better. Revenge or not he still committed a crime and if she has the info to bust him for it she should turn him in for it.

sobriquet sobriquet March 29, 2011, 7:29 pm

If the crime did not concern you and you didn’t feel bad enough about it the moment you found out about it, then leave it alone. Don’t go to the police unless you want to proudly hold the title of ‘Crazy Ex’. You’ll regret it. You’ll tell yourself you’re just being a good public servant, but really you just want to get him back. How dare he break up with you! You have leverage! It may feel really good to get revenge at first, but you will eventually feel terrible about fucking him over in a serious way. He broke up with you and was a shitty boyfriend. You could potentially send him to jail. Those things are not comparable.

You didn’t care at the time your boyfriend confided in you. He trusted you with that information and you will be the one with bad karma coming your way if you use it against him out of spite. Leave it alone, think happy thoughts, and don’t date crime-committing assholes in the future.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't March 29, 2011, 8:12 pm

Hmmmm…..tricky. I told my most recent ex-boyfriend that I hope he gets herpes from a gold-digging ho, so I can’t say much about “being the bigger person” in a breakup (for the record: he totally deserved it!). But for what it’s worth, I think I agree with Wendy that it may be best to just let it go and try to have faith in redistributive justice. I also really like what another commentor said, that we should keep another person’s secrets even after we stop loving them. After all, I’m sure everyone has something in their past that they would like their ex or exes to keep buried.

Morally, though, Reality Bites brings up some really interesting points.

Skyblossom Skyblossom March 30, 2011, 7:57 am

I believe in keeping secrets as long as there is no harm done by those secrets. If keeping secrets allows others to be harmed then you have a moral obligation to say something if you can do so safely.

avatar Spark March 29, 2011, 8:20 pm

On most crimes, there is a statute of limitations. Even if it hasn’t passed yet, you may not be able to provide nearly enough information for the prosecutors to file charges or prove the case.

avatar Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich March 29, 2011, 9:17 pm

If you have evidence that the money you gave him for his medical bills was a loan, why not take him to small claims court? Check the statute of limitations on the crime he committed in your state and the state in which it was committed, and then use any evidence more substantial than hearsay for a civil case. Talk to a lawyer; many lawyers will not charge you if you are merely exploring the possibility of having a case.

Normally I’d completely agree with Wendy that the best revenge is to MOA and live well, but I’m pretty sure by your description that you dated my ex. Anyone on a warpath of self-destruction that big needs a societal-check.

avatar WatersEdge March 30, 2011, 8:57 am

On an unrelated note… I’ve always wondered what your enemy is! Lactose intolerance? Os it this a line from something?

avatar Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich March 30, 2011, 1:55 pm

I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. *wink*

avatar Amy March 30, 2011, 3:30 pm

I like that… “Anyone on a warpath of self-destruction that big needs a societal-check” – I’d think you were talking about my ex husband… but we got together in college 12 years ago – so unless you were dating him in the last 6 – 8 months – that means there are more than one train wreck ex out there. I wish they came with warning lights!

avatar oldie March 29, 2011, 9:26 pm

This should be a learning experience for you. Ask yourself why you were content to have a bf whom you knew was a criminal who sponged money from you. Aren’t you better than that? What made him somebody you thought was worth holding onto before he dumped you? Don’t turn him in. Just stay far away from him and grow up from your gangsta phase.

avatar Saffron March 29, 2011, 9:40 pm

Thank you Wendy and everyone for your advice. I think I’ll sit on this one for now and really think it over. He did hurt me a lot, but having to fear him or his friends who have knowingly accepted his stolen goods would cause a lot of stress. If he does something really awful (he still has a key to my car and refuses to swap belongings with me, so there’s potential for vandalism and such) then I may use the info. Otherwise I’ll MOA and pick someone upstanding next time.

avatar WatersEdge March 30, 2011, 8:58 am

I’d strongly consider changing your locks!

avatar Maracuya March 30, 2011, 1:02 pm

As far as police action goes, couldn’t you get them to escort you to pick up your car key?

avatar Nikki March 30, 2011, 12:13 am

I think this woman needs to spend less time considering revenge, and more time figuring out why she stayed with this loser as long as she did. He dumped her, so if not for that she’d still be with this gem of a man! I think some reflection and maybe therapy is in order. She knew he was a criminal, and everyone else knew he was treating her like crap. I have a hard time believing she didn’t know it as well. She needs to take the high road, and MOA. After she gains some perspective, if she feels, in her soul, that going to the police is the proper thing, then she should do it.

avatar LTC039 March 30, 2011, 9:24 am

Agreed! She should put that energy in working on herself & not on someone that is clearly a big loser!

avatar jena March 30, 2011, 9:08 am

You should’ve turned him in when you found out about it, not now when you’re looking for revenge.

avatar jena March 30, 2011, 4:07 pm

Really, why on earth did I get thumbed down for this?

avatar LTC039 March 30, 2011, 9:22 am

Honestly. I wouldn’t even waste my time. I know it’s a very upsetting situation & I know you have a lot of anger & resenentment, but it’s best to just MOA.
Clearly your ex is not someone of great character (as you suggested in your letter & Wendy stated) & I def. believe the consequences of turning him will not make things better for you in any way, shape or form.
I’ve done some stupid things to get revenge on an ex that treated me horribly & I only ended up hurting myself.
If your are religious, pray about your anger & desires for revenge to be released & forgotten. I think you should seek professional help too to assess the best way to bring closure to this situation. I know it soo worked for me!
Best of luck to you!

avatar evanscr05 March 30, 2011, 9:37 am

While going to the authorities about whatever it is he did is probably the moral and ethical thing to do, you risk putting yourself at risk for jail time since you knew about it, or worse he could have family or friends who could come after you for putting their boy in prison. You don’t need all that extra drama. Forget about this douche and take care of yourself. I’d agree that it might be a good idea to consult a professional to figure out why you ignored all the red flags and stuck it out for a year and a half with someone who treated you like crap. Spend time with your family and friends. Involve yourself in a hobby. The best revenge is a life well lived. Treat yourself like you deserve to be treated, and men will follow suit.

avatar Spark March 30, 2011, 7:15 pm

I’m no expert, but I don’t think it’s legal in ANY state to send someone to jail for not reporting a crime… unless, maybe, it was child abuse…

avatar evanscr05 March 31, 2011, 7:56 am

I was thinking mostly harboring a felon or accessory. I’m no legal expert at all, but that’s where my mind went. I could very well be wrong, but I definitely it’s worth it for her to consider the possible legal ramifications of speaking up. It could end up being a fine or a stern talkin’ to, but until I know 100% sure what the outcome will be, my pessimistic mind always goes to the worst.

avatar demoiselle March 30, 2011, 11:03 am

Turn him in. He’s a criminal and has harmed people–and you know it. He will go on doing so, too, unless someone intervenes. Meanwhile, protect yourself.

avatar bostonpupgal March 30, 2011, 1:36 pm

I’ve been in a situation of being painfully dumped by someone who treated me badly. My fiance dumped me a few months before our wedding after years of cruelty, verbal abuse, lies, lies, lies, and (I found out later) cheating. I was devastated.

Fast forward to now, 5 years later, I am an engineer with a successfull career, wonderful home, great friendships and family, engaged to the man of my dreams, and I am strong and happy. Some of my friends recently saw him at our high school reunion and reported he is obese, living alone in the middle of nowhere, low paying job, and has not had a single relationship since me and is very lonely. My reaction to hearing that was….nothing. I’ve grown and moved on so much since then that he isn’t even on my radar, mostly it just made me sad that he still felt the need to ask about me, and that he’s missed out on all the growth and joy I’ve gotten over the last few years.

I’ll advise you to go the same route I did: block his and his friends phone numbers and facebooks, get some counseling to figure out why you stayed with someone who treated you so poorly, spend time with your friends and family, spend time by yourself doing things you enjoy, and work on things to better yourself like your eduaction. Even a few months down the road you’ll be in a 100% better place. And if he’s anything like my ex, in a few years he’ll be envious of the wonderful life you’ve built for yourself and you won’t even care.

avatar Fergn8r March 30, 2011, 2:33 pm

I had a similar situation with and ex. While not criminal acts, I had extensive knowledge of his cheating and plagiarism on numerous term papers and exams for classes he was taking to get his business degree during undergrad. At the time he was pretty cavalier about it all and almost reveled in the fact he was able to “cheat the system”. It always bothered me, especially because I worked very hard and honestly for my degree, but I never did anything about it while we were together. When he dumped me over text message after 2 years, one of my first thoughts was “i can really screw him by calling his university and maybe his degree will be rescinded!” I was VERY tempted to do this in the first few weeks, but took a step back and tried to think about how I’d feel about all this 6 months, a year, etc from now and if I would even care. In retrospect I’m glad I didn’t do it, because it really would have f-ed up his life, and his parents were such nice people that were proud of him going to college. And with his degree he was able to get a job 2,000 miles away from me! I DID however, let him know what I COULD do and reminded him he shouldn’t forget what information/evidence I had. That scared him pretty well, and that was almost satisfaction enough.

caitie_didnt caitie_didn't March 30, 2011, 4:16 pm

See, if I was in your situation, I 100% would have reported him to the University. He’s disrespecting you and every other hard-working university/college student out there who worked damn hard to get their degree and earned each and every grade. Although I suppose it’s no more disrespectful to someone than stealing from them.

avatar Maracuya March 30, 2011, 4:33 pm

The ‘karma’ that can come back to him, as other people mentioned in this thread, is that by cheating the system he left himself more ill-prepared that other people. Even if the classes themselves contained material not used in his job, the fact remains that a lot of college is learning how to learn. Most employers want quick learners, disciplined employees and those willing to put in a lot of work to achieve their goals. Some people cheat out of laziness or fear of failure, either of which do not produce good employees.

avatar Errrrrka May 17, 2011, 8:56 am

Thank you. I was about to do the same. He just used me and everytime I was away from him and happy he just begged for me back telling me how unhappy he was without me and now that hes moved out, into another girls apartment, he doesnt want me. I already dont trust him from MANY past experirences so I was really uncomfortable with all this. He told me I wasnt ready and he couldnt handle me. I used to be such a happy person and now this boy has invaded my life. He sells drugs to everyone and I constantly hear his name. I know everything he said to me was a lie.

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