Today’s guest post comes from Elaina Osteen who muses about the trials, tribulations and “first-world problems” in the life of a single young professional on her blog Quarter Life Confused.
I’ve spent the last seven years of my life in what I somewhat affectionately call “The Decade of Weddings.” As my friends and I have traversed this love and lace-filled minefield, I have seen, heard and experienced the many trials of the ever-loyal, always-a-bridesmaid. Trust me brides, there is no one more qualified to tell you how to clean out your friendship closet as you enter into your marriage than a bridesmaid spurned. After the jump, 10 ways you can ensure your bridesmaids will never speak to you again after your wedding.
1. Ask your bridesmaid for her “honest” opinion on every wedding-related decision you make. Then, explain to her in pain-staking detail why her opinion is completely wrong. Bonus if you can incorporate some kind of self-made diagram or spreadsheet.
2. Forget your bridesmaid’s birthday/graduation/arrival of her firstborn. Blame it on “bride brain” and invite her over for a glass of wine to make up for it. While she’s over for wine night, have her tie 250 bows on your wedding programs while you “catch up.” And by “catch up,” I mean you catch her up on all the latest wedding hoopla including, but not limited to, the heinous dress your mother-in-law is planning to wear to the rehearsal dinner.
3. Tell your bridesmaid you don’t care what shoes she wears with her bridesmaid dress as long as they are silver. And strappy. And sandal-ish but not stripper-ish. And 2.738 inches tall.
4. Spend your entire bachelorette party weekend on the phone with your fiancé talking about how much you miss each other. It’s your party, and everyone is there for you so they totally won’t mind that you would rather whisper sweet nothings to your boo than participate in any of the activities they planned months in advance.
5. Invite every person you’ve ever met in your entire life — your grandmother’s bridge partner, the wife of that guy who mows your aunt and uncle’s yard, your entire sorority pledge class, including the girls you hated — to the wedding shower the bridesmaids are paying for. They said the more the merrier, right?
6. Don’t give your single bridesmaid a “plus one” even though she will be the only person over the age of 11 attending the wedding alone. Then have the DJ call her to the dance floor by name for the bouquet toss. With the sub-11-year-old set.
7. Invite your bridesmaid to every dress fitting, cake tasting, venue visit, etc. that you have. When she says she can’t come because she has to work (yeah, right), tell her how disappointed you are because she’s the only person who she can really trust to give her an honest opinion. (See #1.)
8. Ask your bridesmaid to “help out” with any of the following: paying vendors, dipping hundreds of strawberries in chocolate, polishing silver, arranging centerpieces, wrangling the unruly children of relatives, running interference with you mother-in-law, and/or convincing your groom to wear the outfit you picked out for him for the rehearsal. Make sure that the above tasks include chaos, sweat, sleep deprivation, and the risk of ruining her outfit and/or manicure.
9. Expect your bridesmaid to be as excited and involved in your wedding as you are. When she acts uninterested, make her feel guilty because this is your one and only day. Promise that when her turn comes you’ll be there every step of the way for her. Later, as soon as she gets engaged, get pregnant.
10. After you get back from your honeymoon, call your bridesmaid and ask her what’s been going on with her. For the first time since you got engaged.
BONUS: Never send her a thank you note for the wedding gift she bought you.
Elaina Osteen is a semi-professional bridesmaid and wedding enthusiast, who muses about the trials, tribulations and “first-world problems” in the life of a single and questionably fabulous young professional on her blog Quarter Life Confused. Elaina is currently obsessed with college football, pinterest, fall recipes, and Ryan Gosling.