1. Stop visiting him in jail.
2. Hire Katie Holmes’ legal team.
3. Change your status on Facebook to ‘single like Kraft cheese.’
4. Tell her that you’re impotent.
5. Tell him that your parents arranged a marriage for you with someone else. Don’t flinch when he says, “But you’re Methodist.”
6. Suggest wearing matching adult baby costumes for Halloween.
7. Tear up his wedding photos in a drunken rage and scream, “You thought your first wife was bad?! I DARE you to marry me! I DARE YOU!!”
8. Spell it out in magnetic poetry on her fridge.
9. Serenade him with a rousing rendition of Boys II Men’s “End of the Road.” Bonus points if you wear color block and shoulder pads.
10. Invite him to a going away party. When he asks who the guest of honor is, tell him it’s you. When he asks where you’re going, tell him, “To leave you; population: one”
11. Tell him you’re sorry his team lost. When he says they didn’t lose, go, “I have to break up with you now, but that’s awesome about your team!”
12. Ask her if that’s a breakup haircut she’s sporting or if she’s just unhappy to see you.
13. Make yourself a profile on OkCupid and email him a link to it with “FYI” in the subject line.