For all the many, many letter-writers who have ever written to me and clearly need to MOA, here’s a handy-dandy list of 13 ways to effectively end a not-so-good relationship:
1. Stop visiting him in jail.
2. Hire Katie Holmes’ legal team.
3. Change your status on Facebook to ‘single like Kraft cheese.’
4. Tell her that you’re impotent.
5. Tell him that your parents arranged a marriage for you with someone else. Don’t flinch when he says, “But you’re Methodist.”
6. Suggest wearing matching adult baby costumes for Halloween.
7. Tear up his wedding photos in a drunken rage and scream, “You thought your first wife was bad?! I DARE you to marry me! I DARE YOU!!”
8. Spell it out in magnetic poetry on her fridge.
9. Serenade him with a rousing rendition of Boys II Men’s “End of the Road.” Bonus points if you wear color block and shoulder pads.
10. Invite him to a going away party. When he asks who the guest of honor is, tell him it’s you. When he asks where you’re going, tell him, “To leave you; population: one”
11. Tell him you’re sorry his team lost. When he says they didn’t lose, go, “I have to break up with you now, but that’s awesome about your team!”
12. Ask her if that’s a breakup haircut she’s sporting or if she’s just unhappy to see you.
13. Make yourself a profile on OkCupid and email him a link to it with “FYI” in the subject line.
JK September 18, 2012, 1:10 pm
Awesome, Wendy. 🙂
Friend of Beagles September 18, 2012, 1:16 pm
And there’s always these classics:
Sneak out the back, Jack.
Make a new plan, Stan.
Don’t need to be coy, Roy. . . .
Hop on the bus, Gus.
Just drop off the key, Lee, and set yourself free.
ktfran September 18, 2012, 1:35 pm
Effing awesome. Especially #9.
theattack September 18, 2012, 1:36 pm
bittergaymark September 18, 2012, 1:47 pm
“Experiment by banging HER infinitely hotter and much more successful older brother…”
MMcG September 18, 2012, 1:47 pm
Dare I add?
14. Fake your own death and/or join witness protection
theattack September 18, 2012, 1:52 pm
Of course we recently saw that faking your own death could precede a proposal as well, so who knows!
JK September 18, 2012, 1:54 pm
Or move to Yemen??
FireStar September 18, 2012, 2:39 pm
I had a friend who would literally move countries when she needed to break up with the losers she insisted on dating. She left Holland (and a guy that baby-talked to her) for Thailand and left Thailand (and a guy who it turned out liked dating prostitutes on the side) for Cambodia and left Cambodia (and a guy who apparently had a secret fiance)…and now actually works in Yemen. Yemen! What are the chances?
theattack September 18, 2012, 2:41 pm
JK September 18, 2012, 2:42 pm
That´s awesome. Unlike yur friends communication skills, apaprently. 😀
JK September 18, 2012, 2:51 pm
More than communication skills I guess it´s the choice in men that is lacking.
Alecia September 18, 2012, 1:56 pm
#2 is my favorite but you can’t forget to switch your number :).
Bethany September 18, 2012, 2:41 pm
These are very funny!!! 🙂
Classic September 18, 2012, 2:42 pm
So funny! Thanks for the laughs.
Slamy September 18, 2012, 3:00 pm
Does anyone else care that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back together? I care, and I’m happy!
Taylor September 18, 2012, 7:44 pm
Iwannatalktosampson September 18, 2012, 7:57 pm
I care and I am also happy. Although I won’t believe it until there is a red carpet make out. I can’t get my hopes up just to be shat all over.
bittergaymark September 18, 2012, 8:30 pm
Of course they’re back together… the probably have yet another bad movie to promote.
laur18 September 18, 2012, 3:17 pm
There is no problem that cannot be solved by Boyz II Men.
Monica M September 18, 2012, 5:12 pm
Giggle! Thanks for the laugh!
Caris September 18, 2012, 7:52 pm
Completely unrelated. Whatever happened with Sobriquet? Does anyone know??
fornowandtomorrow September 19, 2012, 9:31 pm
darn, you can’t customize the relationship status