Last week in the forums, a 35-year-old woman and mother of four boys (bless her) wrote that she met her 45-year-old boyfriend last August and he moved in with her and her kids four months later. She says that they “never did make a plan as to how the bills would be split up.” She brought it up once and he “kind of avoided the topic and said ‘it’ll all work out.'” (Oh, honey, no). Clearly, this woman did not read “15 Things Couples Should Do Before Moving in Together,” since not only did they ignore number 3, they definitely ignored number 8, and I’m gonna guess every other thing on that list. With four kids involved!
But, listen, even if you ignore everything on that damn list, you can save yourself some heartache if you watch out for these 15 signs that you should NOT move in together (at least, not yet).
1. When you broach the topic of finances and how you’ll split the bills, he or she just shrugs and says, “It’ll all work out.”
2. He says he’ll move in with you only after you make him 300 sandwiches.
3. You haven’t met her kids yet (and they live with her).
4. You’d like to get married one day while he says he’s not a “marriage person.”
5. Five cats between you. No.
6. You know you aren’t quite ready, but your lease is up in a month and you don’t want to have to wait a whole year longer to shack up.
7. You can’t agree on where to live.
8. He wants kids one day but you don’t.
9. Your main reason for moving in together is to save money.
10. You’re hoping this will put a brake on all the marriage talk all the time.
11. You have no idea what his or her finances and spending habits are like (income, debt, bills, savings, etc.).
12. You haven’t spent more than three consecutive nights and days together.
13. You’re currently long distance and have never lived in the same town as each other.*
14. You haven’t discussed or agreed on a three-year plan.
15. You have no savings and no idea what you’d do if you broke up and you suddenly had to find a new place to live.
* Now, Drew and I went from an LDR to moving in together, but there was a caveat. My plan was to stay with Drew long enough to “find my own place.” In all honesty, I hoped that I wouldn’t have to find my own place, but I knew that, if we both believed I was for real moving in with him after never living in the same town together, it would put too much pressure on our relationship. So, I put my belongings in storage and gave myself and Drew a few months to test-drive living together while keeping the option open to move into my own place at any time. (Luckily, the test drive went well and I moved my belongings from storage into Drew’s apartment five months after I moved in).
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cmary October 8, 2013, 1:43 pm
Brian and I moved kind of fast, I guess, if these are hard and fast rules to go by. We dated for three months and his lease was ending. While we didn’t move IN together, he did move into an apartment in the same complex as me – one building away. And we went from having 45 minutes between us, to roughly 30 seconds from his door to mine. We saw each other most every evening (though nights weren’t spent together until we were together about 5 months), and most mornings before work he stopped by to say hi for a second. And, honestly, maybe it was a little soon for me for things to be that real. But I knew it was serious enough that I’d regret saying no to that arrangement if we still had a long drive to see each other. It all worked out in the end and I got over my initial panic. (I also figured out alternative routes to leave the complex so we wouldn’t have to run into each other if we did break up, and asked how I could go about breaking my lease, just in case.) We officially moved in together a year after that and got married shortly after that. But there were zero cats between us, so maybe that upped the points in our favor?
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 1:51 pm
That sounds like my ideal living together situation!
cmary October 8, 2013, 1:55 pm
Haha, yeah, it was the best of both worlds for a while. Easy to be together, but easy enough to have some time apart if we wanted. The first few weeks were rather panic-filled for me, though. I couldn’t quite believe he kept coming around and actually wanted to spend time with me.
kerrycontrary October 8, 2013, 2:23 pm
I moved into the same apartment building (on the same floor! but me and my roomates didn’t get to pick) as my college boyfriend my junior year of college and we proceeded to break up that October. Lets just say the rest of the year had a lot of hellish moments.
Lyra October 8, 2013, 1:52 pm
Yes to all of these. I feel as though a lot of people jump into living together without first coming up with a plan and it ends up being more of a convenience thing than anything else. My ex didn’t understand why I didn’t want to live with him when we both got jobs in the same area, but we had been long distance for over 3 years and I wasn’t about to jump into it. Thank goodness I put my foot down because shit would have hit the fan sooo fast if we were living in the same place.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 1:58 pm
We have a weird combination of 6 and 13 that happened. I moved 900 miles for GGuy straight into his apartment, then moved into my own apartment 4 months later because it was what we where “supposed” to do. Then 5 months after that I moved out of my apartment, back into GGuy’s, in the middle of the night because my apartment complex was no longer habitable. It was a crazy situation and I would definitely recommend LDR live apart for a few months at first (like sign a 6 month lease).
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 2:19 pm
You lived alone for a while in FL? I didn’t know that.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 2:27 pm
Yup. For 5 months. But we only spent one night apart (when GGuy’s friends where visiting). I hated every minute of it and wish we had never wasted the money on two places. But hindsight is always 20/20.
kerrycontrary October 8, 2013, 2:01 pm
So when we went from long distance to short distance we did not move in together (planning on both moving next spring, moving in together). But, I sometimes wish we had just moved in together. We both get sick of driving 30 mins to see each other, or not seeing each other on a daily basis, but now that he’s in a lease that will cost like $2000 to break, we can’t fast-forward our move-in time. We didn’t have any adjustment problems to being close-distance and we know we can be around each other for 10 or more days without going batty.
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 2:11 pm
Psh I’m totally emailing this list to Colin.
Fabelle October 8, 2013, 2:12 pm
Well, I guess no one can say my boyfriend & I rushed into things whenever we move in together 😉 (going on 4 years of dating). We even sort of “tested” it while living part-time at his neighbor’s house over the summer (catsitting) so, yay.
The one worrisome thing is financials though, so our goal this year is to get that in order 😐 UGH
kerrycontrary October 8, 2013, 2:22 pm
Haha yeh I feel like my boyfriend and I are the opposite of rushing things…..
bethany October 8, 2013, 2:17 pm
I was worried before I read the list! But, luckily we had none of the signs. Although we did have 3 cats between us, and that didn’t work out so well. Luckily, my parents took the poor misfit kitty who didn’t get along with anyone.
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 2:41 pm
I guess the only thing that’s lacking for me and my bf is the 3-year-plan. What do you think should go into that? Like, how concrete should a 3-year-plan be? (Currently, our concrete plans reach until next summer).
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 2:49 pm
Oh God would you let me make you a 3 year plan? I have way too much of my grandpa in me, I essentially have a 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year plan at all times. Obviously it changes all the time (like that one time I got divorced) but I could not handle life without a plan. If you fail to plan you plan to fail. Booya. But seriously. Lets chat about your life.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 2:52 pm
Also, budget.
rachel October 8, 2013, 2:53 pm
You can make me a plan. I don’t know what I”m doing with my life.
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 2:54 pm
Well, the thing is, we’ll both have to find new jobs next year. It will very likely not be where we live now, but in a different city or even country, depending on where we go in our careers. The plan is to move to same place (or to the same region at least). Everything is very open career-wise. That’s why we don’t have a 3-year-plan together, we don’t even have one for each of us (at this point). But if I had to give a rough idea, I think my plan would include a) starting a new job next year, and moving in together by the end of next year, and b) maybe starting a family towards the end of the 3 years.
kerrycontrary October 8, 2013, 2:56 pm
Our plan is pretty general because we don’t know where we’ll be living in the next 3-5 yrs (his job changes a lot). So it’s like get engaged in the next few months, get married in the next year or so, move next spring, buy a house around 30 if we can, start trying for kids around 30. That’s about it. I think we also know that life can really throw a wrench in your plans so you have to take things as they come.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 3:38 pm
Uh, I just realized I’ve hit all my “real/big” plans. Now what?
katie October 8, 2013, 4:46 pm
you get married!
haha, that one wasnt on the list, right? its an optional add-on.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:49 pm
🙂
bethany October 8, 2013, 2:59 pm
Actually, we didn’t have a 3 year plan, now that I’m thinking about it. He knew I wanted to be engaged within 2 years of moving in… I guess the plan after that was just to be alive?
katie October 8, 2013, 3:09 pm
“just be alive” is my favorite long term plan.
honeybeenicki October 8, 2013, 3:18 pm
Hey! That’s my long term plan too! Hell, some days it’s my short term plan.
Miel October 8, 2013, 3:00 pm
I guess a three year plan basically mean “do we still see ourselves being together in three years ?” Because if you don’t see that, maybe moving together is not worth it ? I just think of examples “oh in a year you are finishing college and are planning to move to New Zealand ? I would have liked to know that before moving in with you” or depending where you are in your life “I’m 32 and want to try to get pregnant before 35, are we on the same page before we decide to move in together or will I waste a year of my life with you before finding out ?”
I knew a couple who was thinking of getting engaged for the fun of it and then one person discovered that the other was planning on attending grad school abroad less than a year later and that there was no chance for them to follow. Yeah… no engagement.
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 3:03 pm
Ah OK, I wasn’t even thinking about it in terms of “is the relationship likely to still exist in 3 years?”, but that makes a lot of sense. I’m definitely not moving in unless I could answer that question with a “yes”.
rachel October 8, 2013, 3:06 pm
When Ross and I moved in together, we pretty much only knew that we would be together for as long as we still lived in Colorado. Neither one of us knew where we would end up after finishing our phds, or whether we would want to pursue long distance, so, we just kind of figured we might as well enjoy the time we had and then see what happened.
SasLinna October 9, 2013, 8:42 am
Yeah I think the important thing is just to know you’re on the same page? If both agree that the moving in doesn’t necessarily imply a longterm commitment then it’s fine. (That’s how it works with roommates all the time). The problems start when one is expecting something different from it than the other.
katie October 8, 2013, 3:10 pm
eh, i dont like life plans. so i say dont feel bad about not having one.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:11 pm
We don’t have a 3 year plan. GGuy isn’t 110% sure of his graduation date, or of what job opportunities there might be, or what states they might be in…The only thing I know for “sure” is that I would like to start trying to conceive in the next year and a half. Otherwise pretty much everything else (including his income) is completely up in the air. For all I know this time next year we could be living in Chicago. Or NC. Or Tulsa.
TECH October 8, 2013, 3:15 pm
I hope you don’t think I’m being too personal, but if you don’t know what his income will be, wouldn’t it be kind of scary having a kid if financial stuff is up in the air? Or is it just something you’ve committed to figuring out when the times comes?
katie October 8, 2013, 3:18 pm
i would be more worried about health insurance. how does health insurance even work for phds?
rachel October 8, 2013, 3:19 pm
Depends on the university.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:25 pm
I luckily have fabulous insurance through my job, which will also pay 45% for children. And I have maternity coverage already. He has an insurance program through the school that is mediocre, it’s considered one of his benefits just like his stipend.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 3:40 pm
Just a heads up, when I had a kid over a decade ago, the hospital bill for her (not mine) was over $12K.
theattack October 8, 2013, 3:42 pm
Holy…. Not to be too personal, but what all did that cover? Like were you guys in there for a few days, or were there any procedures or anything? Or did you literally just push her out and go home for $12K?
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:00 pm
Haha, nothing out of the ordinary, so yea, push, stay a night and go home for $12k.
And again, that was just HER bill, ya know, the day old infant. I never knew they bill mom and baby separate. Crazy!
theattack October 8, 2013, 4:02 pm
What?!? That’s crazy! Omg. How can anyone afford to have a baby?
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:07 pm
Just to be clear, that’s $12K withOUT her having insurance.
theattack October 8, 2013, 4:23 pm
ohhhhhhh, okay. I thought you meant with insurance. I can definitely believe that then.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 4:10 pm
Is that what you paid out of pocket? Or like the pre-insurance bill? (sorry if that is invasive)
theattack- there are also ways to reduce costs when having a baby, like a birthing center or not getting an epidural/Pitocin/nursery stays/etc. Of course if the doc “requires” it you could be screwed but that’s part of the reason we’ll be OBGYN shopping a lot to find a doctor to work with our ideas.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:24 pm
that was pre-insurance. i was still covered under my parent’s insurance (was only 21), but had to arrange for insurance for her after the fact.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:25 pm
I highly doubt you can choose to not have pitocin (sp?). Its used generally to induce labor after your water breaks. If you don’t do that, the baby could die.
theattack October 8, 2013, 4:42 pm
But what about just naturally giving birth? I mean, the human body is designed to do that. It seems like using that drug would only be in case it didn’t naturally happen, right? If we ever have kids, I’m planning on going 100% natural, barring some problem. I would put up a major fight over that.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:49 pm
If I’m remembering correctly, doctors use pitocin when you are not dilated, but the water broke, which is very dangerous. It induces labor, so you could have your water break, but actually not be in labor. If you’re not in labor, you can’t push. It can happen to anyone, but I believe its more commonly used when you have an epidural (painkiller). The epidural can slow down labor, so if that happens, they will use it. So yea, it only needs to be used if labor wasn’t happening naturally.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:46 pm
Yup, my friends was like $10k (week in the NICU) after insurance. We’re looking at birth centers, which range around $5k from prenatal visits all the way to birth and a number of post birth visits, lactation consultants etc. It’s on our “pre try to get pregnant list” to figure out expenses, if I can get extra riders etc, get really detailed insurance stuff sorted out. But yeah, it’s not cheap.
AmyP October 8, 2013, 10:40 pm
Don’t do a birth center! In case of emergency, that’s essentially the same thing as doing a home birth.
Also, I suggest hanging out at skepticalob.com. Dr. Amy can be kind of abrasive, but she has brilliant commentors.
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 8:34 am
Honestly, anything titled “Skeptical” is going to make me skeptical of it. Birth centers and home births are a polarizing topic. Each woman needs to do the research and make the best choice for herself, her family, and her baby.
JK October 9, 2013, 8:47 am
But how can you know what is best for the baby? You can NEVER know what is going to happen during the birth. Working with the population I do I know about so many cases where everything has gone wrong. And even amongst my friends and acquaintances. Hell even my youngest had some (minor thankfully) complications during birth.
To be honest, I think not planning responsibly just to save some money is unbelievable. Of course everyone hopes their baby will be healthy, the birth will be perfect, but what if it isn´t? The time it takes to get from a birthng center to a hospital can mean the difference between life and death.
I get that unexpected pregnancies happen, and you have to do the best you can. But planning on a baby when you have to scrimp and cut corners in order to do so just seems off to me.
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 8:51 am
Well my personal reasons for at this time planning on a birth center don’t really have to do with the cost. I pointed that out because there was a conversation about cost of birth going on.
We’ve talked a million times on DW about not shaming mothers for the choices they make in what they believe is their own best interest.
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 8:54 am
And, each state has incredibly different licensing and birth centers have different set ups. Having a birth at a birth center is not necessarily the same as having a home birth with out any experience or knowledge of birth. High risk pregnancies are typically turned away from birthing centers.
JK October 9, 2013, 8:54 am
Yep, esp. when it comes to etiquette or wedding planning, right?
How doesthe saying go? Do what I say, not what I do?
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 8:56 am
I’m not going to engage with you.
JK October 9, 2013, 8:58 am
Pregnancies can go absolutely perfect until the last minute. With my 2nd daughter her head was stuck on the way out, so she ended up taking longer that she should have, since my dr was trying to avoid another episiotomy. He ended up having to do one, and her APGAR scores were lower than they should have been and she couldnt move one of her arms properly for a few minutes. Tank Jebus she is absolutely fine, but I shudder to think what one more minute could have done.
SasLinna October 9, 2013, 9:00 am
Yep. If GG doesn’t know what’s best for the (future) baby then none of you know either. She’s got the same information at her disposal.
Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:06 am
Haha JK said it, not me! JK, will you marry me?
Hey, GG, am I allowed to wear to a wedding a lacy dress that has patches of different colors but the predominant color is light – think a patch of beige, peach, and light link that make it overall feel more like a white-based dress, despite the black and yellow patches too. I realize it’s hard to visualize but I fell in love with the dress when I saw it and I want to wear it to a wedding this Saturday!
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 9:15 am
Yes AP, you can wear what ever you want to a wedding! My personal opinion is that I wouldn’t want to wear something that would be confused as a wedding gown, your dress does not sound like it would be.
Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:25 am
Oh good! It certainly could not be confused with a wedding gown- one sleeve is black and it has a black trim at the bottom and it’s short – so phew! God my description of it makes it sound ugly. But it’s pretty I promise! And really feminin and classy.
Next question, what if I can’t help it that I look so god damn good in the dress that everyone forgets about the bride? I’m such a good friend I worry about that too. I’ll be sure to wear boring jewelry to fade in with the crowd. The things I do for friends, sigh.
theattack October 9, 2013, 9:46 am
So you want to agree with a rude comment toward GG and then ask her for advice about what you’re poking fun of her for. Makes sense.
Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:47 am
relax, don’t get your panties in a wad. it’s hump day, be happy!
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 9:51 am
Honestly, this whole wedding feud is so tired. I’m so tired of it being thrown in my face weekly, I’m so tired of people ganging up on people about wedding crap, I’m so tired of this fucking conversation. Let it die people.
jlyfsh October 9, 2013, 9:52 am
Do you want to hear a funny story AP? I almost got hit by a turkey trying to fly across the road today. He’s a lucky duck, behind me about 100 feet or so was a tractor trailer. That would not have ended well for him. Luckily I drive a Corolla!
Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:54 am
goddamnit, jlyfsh, stop trying to lighten the mood, i already tried that and failed. let us be miserable all day!!
Addie Pray October 9, 2013, 9:56 am
but real quick before we get back to being miserable, jlyfsh, do you think if, say, a turkey gets killed by its own fault, that it would be ok to eat it? from a vegetarian’s point of view? like if a cow died of old age, then could i have a burger??
theattack October 9, 2013, 9:58 am
I don’t think anyone’s miserable or unhappy. I just want us all to get along and be nice.
iwannatalktosampson October 9, 2013, 1:54 pm
This was a really bizarre thread. I didn’t know home birth centers were so controversial. I mean live and let live. Mommy wars are really y’all.
katie October 8, 2013, 3:43 pm
oh duh, you have it too. haha, i didnt even think of that.
bethany October 8, 2013, 3:27 pm
It’s nice to know I’m not the only one concerned about health insurance. I plan on never leaving my job, ever, due to amazing (and FREE for your whole family) health insurance!
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 3:21 pm
As someone who’s also in academia, academic careers just don’t have that kind of stability (until if/when you get tenure), so waiting for that would just likely mean no kids at all. Or starting to try when you’re 40.
rachel October 8, 2013, 3:23 pm
Haha, when you said you and your guy both have no idea what’s in your future, I assumed you must be in academia as well.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:27 pm
Exactly. It’s just not that kind of career path. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for this relationship. Luckily I work from home with a very stable position, and demographically he has the highest chance of getting a tenure track position. And jobs are starting to spring up like crazy in his field.
TECH October 8, 2013, 3:32 pm
I have a good friend who has his Ph.D. and right now he teaches adjunct and works part time in an archive. And he can barely make his rent or pay for car repairs, let alone pay for a child. But I guess as long as both parents are responsible and committed to working it out, I guess it can work. I think he said he only gets paid a couple thousand to teach one class. It doesn’t go very far.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:40 pm
I know the community college in our town right now only pays $2500 to teach one class. So yea, that would not be a viable option. He’s in a fairly good program with a very reputable advisor, and well getting a job is half your connections! (good luck to your friend!)
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 3:40 pm
Yes, it can definitely work. Everyone who is in academia, or who has a partner in academia, knows their particular situation best, and people plan based on that. It varies from country to country, and from discipline to discipline.
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 3:41 pm
Meant say “it ALSO varies from country to country”
rachel October 8, 2013, 3:57 pm
One of Ross’s best friends is in the same boat. I read an article recently, though I don’t remember where, that was basically talking about how screwed adjuncts are, so it’s definitely a common occurrence.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:24 pm
It’s not too personal (well maybe it is but I don’t mind answering!). It is scary to think we have no idea what our income could be after Spring of 2015 (when his PhD funding is up). But that’s sort of something that we just accept with his career path, no one in his field knows for sure they’ll have a job at graduation. Most people either a- get a job or b- find more funding if they haven’t completed their work. It’s sort of a situation that I’ve just embraced. When I made the decision to stay with him after he enrolled in grad school, I knew his income/job could vary wildly as he started out and that we’d most likely be jumping around states for a few years.
Also, no one really knows when they go to get pregnant that they’ll be employed indefinitely, so we’re a little more uncertain but I think it’s something most people face.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 3:42 pm
It is, that’s true.
Scary, but so is life. Haha. I guess people in your situation just are sure to have a decent savings? Not that I recommend throwing caution to the wind, but I’m sure it’ll work out.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:50 pm
I don’t know what other people have as far as savings, but we put about 75% of the money we where gifted at the wedding straight into savings and are putting more in monthly. It’s hard to get super worked up about it because people of all incomes have been having kids forever with absolutely no job security. If an academic job doesn’t pan out we have several back up job ideas, and additionally he’s not unwilling to bartend or something like that to make ends meet intermittently.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:04 pm
If you’re willing to do what you have to do to pay the bills, then there shouldn’t be an issue. I wouldn’t be concerned if I were you. Then again, I was as unprepared as it gets and Lil is still alive, so…haha.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 4:13 pm
I’m not too worried. I like to think we’ve been making a huge shift to live more simply and not “need” materialistic things as much, so even if we had to figure one income out I think we could. We’ll make it work, just like parents before us have for years. Plus if it ever got that “bad” we have great families to lean on.
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 5:51 pm
You know what I think is weird? I have never been concerned about my spending, mostly because I never really had to be. Now that I do have to be concerned, I haven’t altered any of my spending habits and I have found that I am actually not that expensive. Even if I had to try REALLY hard I think the most I could save off of my monthly cost would be $200. So I’ve been wondering lately what other people spend their money on “frivolously”. I don’t consider myself low maintenance at all – but maybe I’m just lucky that most of my hobbies are free – like running and stuff outdoors. I guess I just feel like I cost X amount every month – and it is completely unrelated to my income.
Sorry for the tangent, that was extremely not relevant to your life besides to say, I’m sure you’re already ready to have a baby. I mean I think the number one factor needs to be level headed spending habits and two employable people. Which you are.
rachel October 8, 2013, 6:01 pm
If you had a lower income…say $300 lower a month, I’m sure you would figure out ways to go without.
As I make more money, I always feel like I’m still just scraping by, even though I don’t think I drastically change my spending. How is that possible? Money is a funny thing.
jlyfsh October 8, 2013, 6:44 pm
haha rachel the more money i have coming in the less i have in my bank account. no idea how i do that. other than blaming target. i think it’s all target’s fault 😉
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 6:59 pm
Everything is target’s fault.
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 5:53 pm
Although maybe the problem is everything besides that (possibly) extra $200 I truly consider a need, haha.
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 5:54 pm
I’m going to keep talking to myself, because fuck it why not? I guess I just don’t understand when people say they’re “willing to go without to make ends meet if need be”. Go without what? Food? Shelter? Gas? I mean all those things are necessary, and everything else is really cheap. Like sure I could quit having margaritas with dinner – but I have to eat food anyways. In summary, I would like to see everyone’s bank accounts when they’re “going without”.
Lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 6:37 pm
Haha. Anything that’s a luxury. Manicures, dining out, etc. I remember powdered milk as a kid. Those OJ cans instead of fresh OJ. After I had the baby, PB&Js for lunch and dinner. No trips, even driving trips. No shopping at all. Hmm, no cable tv. Just the bare minimums basically.
jlyfsh October 8, 2013, 6:39 pm
Well like you said, going without may be:
making coffee at home instead of buying it out
taking your lunch instead of eating out
not buying new clothes or only shopping at the thrift store
eating, but eating cheaper. replacing a few meals each week that might have been meat with all vegetables
not going to the movies, only renting them
getting rid of cable
cutting down to a slower internet
and even the gas thing, like only driving to work and cutting down on extra trips or making sure you do as much as possible on one trip out
depending on how much of each thing you’re cutting you can save a lot of money.
iwannatalktosampson October 8, 2013, 6:48 pm
Ha well see here’s my problem: I don’t drink coffee. I am a water and booze only girl. I like cooking at home, it’s a hobby I guess, and mostly cook with vegetables anyway, I’m not really a big shopper and when I do need new work clothes or lululemon or whatever I just wait until my birthday and it’s funded by my parents/grandparents/not me, I hate going to the movies (see previous thread hating on movie theaters), the only place I drive is to work because I live downtown and lurve walking. I guess I spend money on drunk cabs but that shit is still cheaper than a DUI. Essentially I guess I “go without” without feeling deprived. I’m thrifty. Victory is mine.
GatorGirl October 9, 2013, 8:30 am
IWTTS, there are lots of ways we could go with. We have two cars, we could go down to one. We have cable with upgraded packages, we could go with out. We have football season tickets, those are gone. No more craft beer, dinners out, random Target trips. We could switch to a cheaper apartment. We already eat meatless fairly often, but we could amp that up even more. Breakfast and lunch are already made at home. We’re both people who have always had two jobs, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
TECH October 8, 2013, 2:56 pm
The only problem with the “3 Year Plan” as others have said, is that it’s subject to change. You could say marriage is in the 3 year plan, but one of you could change your mind. I know a lot of women say to their boyfriends “Can you see yourself marrying me with x number of years?” before they move in, and the boyfriend says “Yes” so you think you have that stability before moving in, but you really don’t. Because you end up breaking up eventually.
I guess the point is, when you make commitments or have conversations before you move in, it’s all hypothetical. You have to be comfortable with the risk.
SasLinna October 8, 2013, 3:12 pm
I don’t think “Can you see yourself marrying me in X number of years?” is concrete enough to count as discussing a 3 year plan. (The “can you see yourself” question is anyway way too open… “I can certainly see myself being an astronaut, yes… In a different life”.)
Even though I said I didn’t have a 3 year plan I’ve had more concrete future planning questions than this already. For example, I stated that I wanted to have kids within the next 5 years, but probably more like 3 years from now. He didn’t say “OK, we’ll definitely do that” but he took notice and knows I’m serious about that.
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 3:44 pm
Hmm, I think I like life plans to be more about you and the general “family” you may have. Like, I’d like to have achieved X at my job by 2015. Something that you are mostly in control of, not someone else, like your boyfriend. An example: I knew I’d like to buy a house in the next few years a few years ago. Made sure I saved accordingly, etc. Just so happens I have someone to do that with, but I planned to do so alone. So he’s just a bonus of sorts.
theattack October 8, 2013, 3:57 pm
Any progress on the house hunt?
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:06 pm
Yes! Very exciting! Close in a couple weeks.
theattack October 8, 2013, 4:29 pm
Yayy! Congrats! What’s it like?
lets_be_honest October 8, 2013, 4:37 pm
Thanks!! Its in our ideal neighborhood*, huge backyard, plenty of bedrooms, great layout, renovated from top to bottom, which is awesome (no work for us!). I’m pretty much in love. Its perfect for us.
*peter and i grew up a block apart from each other, and the new house is on the street that connects the two!
theattack October 8, 2013, 5:14 pm
Awh, that’s so perfect! I love that. 🙂 Are your parents still in that same neighborhood too?
lets_be_honest October 9, 2013, 9:06 am
Thanks TA! I’m sure it sounds strange to some people, but we actually love where we grew up so why not stay? I’ll venture out in the world after Lil is out of the house.
My mom is still there, so we can walk like 1-2 minutes to her house for dinner. And his mom moved, but is still close. Its obviously not for everyone, but we’re both really happy to be so close to them and she’s not a pop in type, so no worries about that. Plus Lil will get to be closer to my younger siblings.
honeybeenicki October 8, 2013, 3:13 pm
AH! I composed a nice and organized response and then I forgot to fill in my name and such (it no longer autofills for me 🙁 ) but here’s the jist:
Husband moved in as a friend and couched it for like a week after trying to live with his mom after he left his wife. Went from friend to more within a few weeks, so he was living with me already. Hadn’t met kids, had a bunch of cats (me, not him) – about 5. Or 6. Or 5.5 since the 6th was actually not mine but stayed with me regularly. Hadn’t discussed the future or anything like that.
If it had been a friend, I would have slapped him/her. With a brick. But it seems to have worked out for me so far. That was 7.5 years ago, our 5th wedding anniversary is in April.
Bunnycsp October 8, 2013, 4:41 pm
yea, I don’t have the autofill either.
honeybeenicki October 8, 2013, 5:10 pm
I think it’s because I don’t have it keep me logged in because I’m on my work computer and it makes me feel like I am not on here as much if the website doesn’t have me logged in. 🙂 So I let it save my password this time and it kept everything happy in the forums and on here.
theattack October 8, 2013, 3:19 pm
We went straight from long distance to living together, and it worked flawlessly. There were exactly zero problems resulting from that.
We prepared ourselves when we were long distance though. The times we had visits for a week or two we divided chores as if we were both going to work and coming home so we could practice. I think that helped.
Miel October 8, 2013, 4:05 pm
Yeah, my boyfriend and I played house last summer for a month, and while he was working during the day I was wasting my time on the internet. So we had all the chores to divide equally during the evenings and the weekend! I’m such a terrible stay at home girlfriend.
theattack October 8, 2013, 4:29 pm
Haha, Yes! That’s exactly what I did. I read a bunch and spent my days on DW while he was at work. I would bake stuff too for fun, but I always made it very clear that I wasn’t doing his laundry or cleaning his bathroom while he was at work. You don’t want to start off the division of labor all wonky.
Miel, are you living in Nashville, or did you two find a place in the middle to live? Just curious. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.
Miel October 8, 2013, 4:34 pm
I’m in Nashville right now, and he’s in Cleveland OH. We fly to visit each other every three weekend or so (I have some days off this week so I’m actually going to see him tomorrow !)
I wasn’t going to write a comment just for that but : about living in separate apartments after a long distance relationship, I say NO WAY. My PhD is five years, and we’ve been together for two. There’s not a chance that I’m going to move to Cleveland, after seven years of relationship, and take my own apartment. We are going to live together and FINALLY see each other every morning for breakfast. And I’m not afraid this can be considered as “rushing it”.
theattack October 8, 2013, 4:37 pm
Oh, I thought he was in Huntsville. If you’ve been together for seven years by the time you move in, I think you’re in the clear for sure! Have fun this week!
Morgan October 8, 2013, 4:55 pm
I was a terrible stay at home girlfriend while I was unemployed. Not only did I have no income to contribute, I didn’t do the dishes or clean or do…anything. I worked out and then trolled the internet.
starpattern October 8, 2013, 3:36 pm
Thank youuu for this reminder. My boyfriend of less than 6 months is in a bad renting situation where his landlord just does not care about anything and will not take care of broken things or even hazards (like when the fridge water line broke and flooded the kitchen, and now all the flooring and cabinets are damaged and now there’s mold) and the landlord’s girlfriend lets herself in and paints/redecorates/Pinterests all over the condo whenever my boyfriend is on travel. It is so tempting to be like, “Just get out of there! Stay with me for awhile!” but I know that he is a procrastinator and would not look for a new place, and I would just get comfortable with him being here, and it is just way too soon for all that. We definitely have not even talked about 3 year plans or whether we want babies, so I’m just going to keep my mouth shut, ha. He started a new job about a month ago after being laid off from his previous job, so he’ll be able to apply to rent somewhere new very soon anyway.
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 3:54 pm
You should seriously look into your renters rights in your area. Most states have clauses about the apt being livable (I’m pretty sure no mold falls under that) and that they have to give notice for non-essential/emergency entrances into the apartment.
starpattern October 8, 2013, 4:18 pm
Thanks! Yes, I’ve mentioned this to him a couple times, but the twist to this is that his landlord is also a good friend of his from college =/ So, I doubt he would ever want take him to court or anything. Still, I may try to do a little research for him in case his landlord/friend tries to blame the damage on him when he moves out (you never know, right?)
GatorGirl October 8, 2013, 4:21 pm
It should be pretty easy to find the info online. I broke a lease (not from a friend though!) and all the info was readily available online. Maybe he could also just talk to his friend? I’m sure you’ve thought of all of these options before, I just don’t think I would let a friend walk all over me (or GGuy) like that. Does she usually come in at the same time? I would just be doing something really inappropriate (sex in the livingroom??) at a time you think she’ll barge in and maybe she’ll stop.
starpattern October 8, 2013, 5:22 pm
Yeah, I really should have Googled it by now – I just have never formally rented before, so the legality of all this stuff is a little foreign to me. It blows my mind that he is letting his friend do him this way, and I am sure it is damaging their friendship, but I think he is just trying to avoid burning that bridge. I would not put up with this kind of thing from any of my friends, but I figure I am new enough in his life that I should mostly keep my opinions about his friend to myself and just give helpful suggestions when I can about new apartments to look at, and maybe some resources to protect himself financially when he leaves, if I can.
As far as the girlfriend coming in, I like your suggestion! We might arrange for BF to come home a day early and traumatize her the next time, haha.
Morgan October 8, 2013, 4:51 pm
I think we had all of these when we moved in, other than the three year plan. We had a solid two year plan (That I totally tanked by quitting my job), but beyond that is up in the air because we’re both applying to graduate schools right now (him med, me law), and I’ve also applied to a few jobs. So next year (the third year since we moved in together) we could be both in grad school in different cities, we could both be in grad school in the same city, or he could be in school and I could be working, maybe in the same city and maybe not. Some of those scenarios involve getting engaged pretty soon, others involve waiting til I’m at least done law school.
But we’ve worked out who the cat will live with if we do have to do long distance again, which I think is the most important part of any plan 🙂
Elizabeth October 8, 2013, 6:11 pm
Glad I’m not the only one without the “3-yr plan.” My boyfriend and I started renting an apt. 5 months ago after having been together a year and a half. I just feel like in this day and age it’s quite difficult to have such a plan. I honestly don’t have a solid “5 yr plan” for myself in terms of my career, just an arbitrary idea of where I’d like to be. My bf and I both got new jobs this year which was unexpected. We’ve definitely had a few little “hurdles” over financial decisions but work through them. We just know we love each other, enjoy living together, eventually want to get married and have kids so we’re kinda taking it one day at a time. So I’d say it’s working for us 🙂
shanshantastic October 9, 2013, 10:17 am
Oh, number 6 all the way.
Brian and I discussed moving in together in 2010, only a couple of months after getting back together. He and two of his friends rented a townhouse around the corner from the apartment I rented with my mom, and he said that he wanted “one more year” of living the “single guy” life before settling down.
I was terribly immature, and I begged him to reconsider and just “move in with us!” I mean, there was room for him. He turned me down, and that year ended up being a total up-and-down (two break-ups that ended up being “breaks”) because I pushed for what I thought was best and he responded by clinging to his autonomy. It took a lot of communication and growth on both sides, but when that “last year” was up (our leases ended at the same time) we did move in together and that, as they say, is that. But if we had moved in together when I pushed for it then I don’t think the relationship would have outlasted the lease.
FossilChick October 9, 2013, 1:49 pm
Aww, no love for 5 cats between us? I guess I’ll have to get another kitty to avoid the dreaded 5…6 is a nice round number…