Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

15 Signs You’re Just Friends (With or Without Benefits)

Wondering if you should confess your romantic feelings for that guy you’ve been spending a lot of your after-hours time with lately? Are you beginning to think you FWB might have relationship intentions after all? Maybe you’re ready to take that “next step” with your best guy friend. Well, before you go making yourself vulnerable and changing the dynamics of your friendship, here are a 15 signs he’s probably not interested in being anything more than friends just yet.

1. You ask if you can leave a toothbrush at his place and he says, “Why?”

2. He mentions that he thinks your friend Claire is a real hottie.

3. He mysteriously disappears the week of Valentine’s Day.

4. He regularly untags photos of the two of you on Facebook, so his ex won’t get jealous.

5. When you get sick, he says, “OK, well, call me when you feel like hanging out again.”

6. You have never seen each other between the hours of 10 AM and 8 PM.

7. His sister, whom you’re friends with, wishes her brother would “date a girl like you.”

8. You’ve been “seeing him” for three months, but he still has an active online dating profile.

9. He’s got your number programmed in his phone by your last name.

10. … Or he doesn’t have you programmed in his phone at all.

11. He’s going on vacation with his ex.

12. The only thing he’s ever “bought” you is a box of condoms to keep at your place.

13. He asks if you wanna go to his High School reunion because he can’t fine a “date-date” to take.

14. He goes out of town for a week and doesn’t bother to get in touch even once.

15. After you have sex, he calls you a “cool girl.”

24 comments… add one
  • cat-i-z March 30, 2011, 12:07 pm

    Love these! They are all so true.

    16. He asks you for advice about how to get back with his ex… or how to get with another girl.

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  • ReginaRey March 30, 2011, 12:14 pm

    17. You keep telling your girlfriends: “No no no guys…I mean ok yeah he *says* he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but I KNOW that’s not what he *means*!!!”

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  • ladiejoy March 30, 2011, 12:27 pm

    HAHA, #15 reminds me of a time I was camping near a friend, and I heard him just BANGING this girl (don’t know who the girl was)… they were really going to town. It was awkward to listen to it, but I didn’t have a choice, and couldn’t stop giggling. Anyway, when they were done I heard him say “Hell yeah, that was fun! Let’s do it again some time!”

    Oh my. That has given us years of entertainment value.

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    Chaotonic March 30, 2011, 12:28 pm

    Hmmm a lot of these could also mean you might be the other woman.

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  • BoomChakaLaka March 30, 2011, 12:40 pm

    Wow, are there really people (both men and women) that can’t see these hints?

    The toothbrush and not seeing each other at night is about enough for me, but going on vacation with the ex? Oh hells naw.

    I have a question to pose though. Let’s say you are in a FWB situation. Does any part have the “right” to demand exclusivity (meaning you can’t be messing around with other people) or is that something that is specifically reserved for a relationship?

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    • camille905 March 30, 2011, 12:56 pm

      My rule about sex (FWB or otherwise) is that you can sleep with everyone else and not me OR me and no one else.

      Some people thought this made it a relationship- I disagree because there was no going on dates, meeting family, etc.

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      • Erica March 30, 2011, 6:33 pm

        i had a fwb for a while and we were free to see other people but we didn’t. just the casual “let’s hang out when we feel like it and blow off some steam and have fun” relationship was enough and all we needed. it ended easily, mutually, and respectfully, when i met another guy who i saw myself actually dating. simple as that.

    • kerrycontrary March 30, 2011, 12:58 pm

      I feel like whenever you ask for exclusivity people will agree, but not take it seriously if they meet someone they really like/want to have sex with. I don’t assume sexual exclusivity unless we are in a relationship (aka bf/gf, everyone knows, etc…). I’ve been hurt too many times by fwb saying they aren’t sleeping with anyone else, but they are.

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    • MissDre March 30, 2011, 12:58 pm

      I don’t think you have the right to demand exclusivity, but I do think you have the right to ask if he’s sleeping with anyone else so that you can take proper precautions to protect yourself from STDs and whatnot. But usually the point of FWB is that you DON’T have to be exclusive.

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      • danielle March 30, 2011, 5:07 pm

        Thinking you should always take precautions against STDs – I don’t know ANYONE who gets tested for every known STD after every relationship.

      • cdjd2614 March 31, 2011, 1:46 pm

        I get tested after any relationship ends (FWB or otherwise) to be on the safe side and can say with a clear conscience that I am clean before something happens with someone else. Whether the person you were with says they got tested or they **know** they are clean it’s always good to protect your ass-ets.

      • caramelpuff April 1, 2011, 3:00 am

        I agree. I still kick myself for not getting tested after ending a long term relationship even though I’ve recently tested negative for everything. But from now on after every partner whether it be a boyfriend or fwb (or every 6 months) I make sure to get tested.

    • WatersEdge March 30, 2011, 1:08 pm

      I say you’re within your rights to demand it, and he can say no if he wants to.

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    • ReginaRey March 30, 2011, 1:18 pm

      Huh. I’d never considered some of your guys’ opinions before. I always was under the impression that asking for exclusivity defeated the purpose of a FWB – I was thinking that if two people agree to only be with each other, doesn’t that kind of make a relationship? But it’s so true – agreeing to be exclusive sexually does NOT guarantee emotional exclusvity, or that either party really wants the committment that a relationship requires. My final opinion, though, is along the same lines as MissDre – you can demand sexual exclusivity for the sake of your health and wellness, but demanding any other kind of exclusivity means you’re probably looking for a relationship, and should find that elsewhere.

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    • jena March 30, 2011, 4:08 pm

      You have the right to demand it, they have the right to decline it.

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    • danielle March 30, 2011, 5:03 pm

      My take on FWB is that it is the opposite of exclusive. I think the whole point of it is to have someone convenient to bang while you look for someone you want to date. So, exclusivity is a relationship thing, I think.

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    • anna728 March 30, 2011, 5:29 pm

      I would definitely not consider exclusivity with an FWB. I think the combination of friendship, sex, and exclusivity sounds an awful lot like a relationship. I can think of no other reason to ask for exclusivity than that you are emotionally attached, in which case you don’t have a real FWB situation anyway. If a guy asked me to be exclusively in an FWB situation, I would say no.

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    BecBoo84 March 30, 2011, 12:46 pm

    I have to ever so slightly disagree with #13: I think it is possible someone could do something like that to gauge your interest without having to deal with the possible rejection of asking for a real date. However, it’s been about 6 years since I’ve been in the dating world, so I’m not real up to date…

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  • spot March 30, 2011, 1:05 pm

    another one: He tells you that his friends think your hot and that you should hang out with them (without him)…and even offers to give you his friend(s)’ number(s).

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  • Tulip March 30, 2011, 1:37 pm

    I have my bf in my phone under his last name only…I put him in like that originally because back then, we were just massively flirty co-workers and that’s what I actually called him. I think it’s cute.

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  • Laurel March 30, 2011, 1:54 pm

    18. She insists on splitting the check every time you go out.

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    Heather March 30, 2011, 2:19 pm

    Just my opinion, but I was in a FWB situation once and it worked out great, because we were really close friends (we’re not on speaking terms now for entirely unrelated reasons). But we enjoyed the sexual company, and even, GASP! cuddled afterwards. But we still continued to hang out just as we did as friends, and neither of us cared if the other slept with someone else. My only stipulation was obviously always using protection. That was something I would never compromise on in a FWB dynamic.

    I see the purpose of FWB as NOT remaining exclusive, but it’s every person’s right to do as they please. As one commenter pointed above, I don’t think it’s out of line per se to expect exclusivity as long as you’re honest with yourself and the other about it, just at least give them the opportunity to reject that, if that’s not what you’re looking for and that’s not what they want.

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  • Sarah M March 30, 2011, 4:29 pm

    #15 – Wow – I’ve totally heard that one! Disturbing.

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  • Christina March 31, 2011, 1:30 am

    Thanks Wendy! Those stirred up some funny memories. I remember asking about leaving a brush and my FWB saying, “You just can’t…because This is not That.

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