The Hairpin posted a list the other day called “People You Might Not Want to Have Casual Sex With,” and while it was hilarious, it was by no means exhaustive … although “People with shrapnel in their calf from the Hundred Days’ War and are ghosts” rules out a pretty big number of freaks, to be sure. Still, I can think of a few more characters to add to the list (as I’m sure you can too), so after the jump, 18 more people you might not want to have casual (or any kind of) sex with.
1. People who watch “Rocky Horror Picture Show” each and every Friday night.
2. People who scream in elevators.
3. Anyone who eats glue.
4. People who were in your parents’ wedding.
5. People who have collections of axes hanging on their living room or bedroom wall (kitchen wall is okay).
6. People who don’t give their seats to pregnant ladies, senior citizens, and those carrying babies or pushin’ strollers.
7. Anyone with a rattail.
8. People who like Glenn Beck.
9. People who pronounce it “Illinoise.”
10. Your mom.
11. People who make their sandwiches with the heel of the loaf of bread.
12. People who make your sandwiches with the heel of the loaf of bread.
13. People with really popular blogs and anger issues.
14. Anyone who willing watched that movie “Tooth Fairy” with The Rock.
15. People who leave vague and depressing status updates on Facebook like, “Sometimes it’s just all too much.”
16. People who keep pink tutus on their walls.
17. People who have elbow fetishes. (Weird)
18. That guy who always wears a ski mask every time you see him.
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 8, 2011, 12:31 pm
Ha, well I’ve broken #17.
Painted_lady April 8, 2011, 1:00 pm
God, me too. It was a bad idea.
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 8, 2011, 2:25 pm
That’s too bad; it was the best sex of my life.
BeccaAnne April 8, 2011, 3:33 pm
Pretty sure the elbow sex and the rocky horror might go together.
Elbow sex! Elbow sex! Elbow sex!
….I don’t go every friday, I swear. Some of my friends might have been regulars though….
Painted_lady April 8, 2011, 3:37 pm
The sex wasn’t bad – he was just responsible for so much drama after, it wasn’t worth it.
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 12:32 pm
4. People who were in your parents’ wedding.
Can we expand this to people who were AT your parents wedding? Because ew.
Rachelgrace53 April 8, 2011, 1:00 pm
Unless of course your parents weren’t married when they had you.
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 1:02 pm
Well I guess maybe if they got married when you were older. Like alot older.
silver_dragon_girl April 8, 2011, 1:04 pm
Or what if the person was AT their wedding but was like 3? And your parents didn’t wait long after marriage to have kids? They wouldn’t be that much older than you. It could be a cute story to tell…
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 1:28 pm
Well you could say the same about the flower girl/ring bearer who was IN the wedding. I guess there are exceptions to any rule, but I think generally this is a good one.
Wendy April 8, 2011, 1:31 pm
I didn’t think about the flower girl/ ring bearer, but I’m gonna say that in most cases, those roles are filled by little ones who are related to the couple, and thus, would be related to their offspring. So, still a “don’t.” Probably.
PFG-SCR April 8, 2011, 12:36 pm
My husband does #11 so he doesn’t have to do #12…it’s very sweet.
MissDre April 8, 2011, 12:42 pm
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with #11 if that’s all that’s left in the bag…
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 12:58 pm
Yup, better a sandwich with one bread end then no sandwich at all!
I usually save them for the ducks at the pond outside my office though. Its a little lunchtime joy to go feed the ducks on a sunny day.
MissDre April 8, 2011, 1:50 pm
You are so lucky!!
Skyblossom April 8, 2011, 3:07 pm
One of the things we always do when visiting in England is to feed the ducks. It’s one of those simple pleasures in life.
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 8, 2011, 2:26 pm
Aww. I suspect he does #11 for the same reason, although he claims to just prefer it.
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 8, 2011, 2:28 pm
wow. And by “he” I mean, “my boyfriend.” If I sold typos I’d make MILLIONS.
maynard April 8, 2011, 12:47 pm
Oh man. I think I say IlliNOISE. I know it’s not correct and I don’t mean to 🙁 It just comes out that way.
MissDre April 8, 2011, 12:49 pm
I know a lady who says “Detroy-it” instead of Detroit.
Mainer April 8, 2011, 1:36 pm
How are you suppose to pronounce it? Maine accent is like:
“Ovah theah in il-noise”
maynard April 8, 2011, 2:08 pm
I don’t even know how to write it correctly… maybe IlliNOY? Or Illi’noise’ without the ‘se’
I think, anyway 🙂
WatersEdge April 8, 2011, 4:44 pm
silent S Ill-uh-noy
Amber April 8, 2011, 12:56 pm
But I love #11 when it’s toasted. My boyfriend even saves them for me!
silver_dragon_girl April 8, 2011, 1:03 pm
I do #11 sometimes, because I think it’s a waste to just throw away good bread. However, if I put off using it for 3 weeks until it’s moldy, THEN I can throw it away without being wasteful. 🙂
Laurel April 8, 2011, 1:16 pm
I guess maybe it’s a rural/southern thing, but my bf says it ELLinoise.
Snarky Wendy at #13.
Maracuya April 8, 2011, 2:40 pm
Oh, no! I just realized I do this (partially.) I say “Ellinois.” 😕 I know you’re not supposed to pronounce the s but… I didn’t realize I pronounced the i like an e. My world is crumbling!
hana April 8, 2011, 1:17 pm
I like glenn beck and so does my bf and most of our friends/family. 13 reminds me of that one dude from I hope they serve beer in hell. I can’t stand him, and if you try to find records of his supposed stories they don’t exist. He is such a tool. And I saw the tooth fairy movie anmd enjoyed it lol. Of course I only went because my dad took me to a movie and we never look ar movie times, we just show up and see what’s playing next.
Dave Jay April 8, 2011, 2:54 pm
Agreed. Glenn Beck is a great American, as are most of his listeners. Insomuch as most of his audience consists of married “grownups” in responsible relationships, casual sex is off the table anyway!
cdjd2614 April 8, 2011, 1:35 pm
Or people who say Ory-gun instead of Oregon
and extend number 7 to include mullets as well
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 1:42 pm
Hah when I was in middle school I met a girl from Oregon. She immediately yelled at me for saying Oreh-GONE instead of Oreh-gun. I think this is a gray area. Illi-noise is a definite no no.
Theenemyofmyenemyisagrilledcheesesandwich April 8, 2011, 2:30 pm
Nope, no gray area. It’s Ory-gun.
Red_Lady April 8, 2011, 10:06 pm
Or Warshington instead of Washington. They’d probably still be ok for casual sex, I’d just have to yell at them for their mispronunciation.
maynard April 8, 2011, 1:51 pm
Would you rather bang someone with a rat tail or a mullet?
Painted_lady April 8, 2011, 3:36 pm
Ewww. Rat tail. That way you don’t have to see it during sex. Most mullets are visible from all angles.
thyme April 8, 2011, 6:29 pm
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 2:14 pm
Just read the original list.
“People with toddlers who stare at you across the table while scribbling a piece of construction paper completely black with crayon.”
I was totally one of those toddlers who colored in black and my mom tells this story all the time… they took me to a doctor who said that black was just the color I chose and it didn’t mean I was disturbed. He said if I only colored in purple, nobody would worry… but to a toddler it doesn’t matter. Either that or I am really disturbed and he didn’t want to tell them.
ArtsyGirl April 8, 2011, 2:15 pm
I would add vegans – it is not that I don’t like vegans but after having a few friends who do it, you cannot go out to eat ANYWHERE!
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 2:17 pm
Well if you’re just having casual sex, you don’t need to have dinner first.
Also this reminds me of last week’s “my boyfriend smells like olives” Dear Miles letter. Someone responded that vegans smell like olives… in which case I don’t want to sleep with a vegan either!
HmC April 8, 2011, 7:06 pm
Omg olives. Just the thought of them makes me barfy.
llclarityll April 8, 2011, 2:15 pm
GARY BUSEY. Hilarious as he may be, would not, and could not, sleep with.
ArtsyGirl April 8, 2011, 2:30 pm
Charlie Sheen, Randy Quaid, Donald Trump, Hugh Heffner (he could have gone to your grandparents’ wedding)
eelizg23 April 8, 2011, 2:38 pm
I really don’t understand number 11. If we’re gonna rule out people with specific accents, that’s a slippery slope.
eelizg23 April 8, 2011, 2:54 pm
But it really does grate on me when people say Appa-lay-chia(n).
SpaceySteph April 8, 2011, 3:00 pm
Oh no, thats me! How am I suppposed to say it?
Maracuya April 8, 2011, 3:44 pm
Is it supposed to be Appa-lah-chan?
RoyalEagle0408 April 9, 2011, 5:32 pm
I’ve always gone with the “Appa-lay-shin”…
anna728 April 8, 2011, 4:35 pm
I wouldn’t call IlliNOISE an accent, it’s just incorrect to pronounce the S. Just like “Arkansas” and “Kansas” do not sound the same.
Monica M April 8, 2011, 3:11 pm
Oh no, I failed number 14!
AKchic April 8, 2011, 3:21 pm
Now wait just a minute – no Rocky Horror Picture Show? And why not? *laugh* A Tim Curry movie marathon can be awesome. Especially when it segues into a Mel Brooks marathon, followed by Top Secret, Hot Shots, and The Villain. That’s a perfect weekend when it’s too rainy/icy/snowy/slushy/muddy mix in the spring to go outside (like it is right now actually).
As far as not sleeping with someone at your parents’ wedding – my mom just got married last summer. Granted – it still would be weird.
There is nothing wrong with having axes on the walls. So long as they are tasteful. I’ve got a nice pair of battle axes hanging in my living room. And yes, they can be used and are usually used. I’m part of the Society of Creative Anachronisms (Renaissance reinactors). Also have some nice battle blades too. Only have decorative ones on the wall though. The usable ones are in the gun safe.
I do have a few to add to the list – some are kind of Alaska-specific though.
1) any person who’s fur hat is still alive.
2) any person who refuses to wear underwear and socks
3) a guy who wears fish hooks in his hat – and doesn’t fish.
4) girls that paint on their eyebrows
5) guys that paint on their hair (I’ve seen it)
6) anyone with a penis tattoo (seriously – how drunk does one have to be to tattoo a penis on themselves?)
7) anyone claiming to be a “daywalker” (I could sooo kill the idiot who decided to turn the graphic novel Blade into a movie)
8) anyone who wears a leather duster in 80 degree heat and DOESN’T own a horse or motorcycle.
Elle April 8, 2011, 3:42 pm
lol at 1) – people wear squirrels in Alaska?
I have no idea how you can wear a moving hat. And/or bloody. Ewww
AKchic April 8, 2011, 7:04 pm
It’s actually a joke in Alaska. We say that “fashion means your fur hat is dead”. Of course, for dating we say “the odds are good, but the goods are odd”. And trust me, there are plenty of odd ones here. A lot of cast offs end up coming to Alaska for a variety of reasons (outdoorsy, the remote wilderness, a fresh start, work, whatever), but something about this place makes some people just downright weird. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sun for a good portion of the year, the 7-9 months of snow, the extremes in temperature (we reached -110 with the windchill in some parts of the state this winter, only -60 without the wind; and in the summer we can see 90s in some areas), the high price to escape the state, the lack of entertainment venues (we’re getting better in some areas of the state), the lack of competitive pricing in retail stores (getting better in some areas), or what.
I can tell you, the majority of Alaskans used to get annoyed when we were asked if we live in igloos. Now we wish people would start asking us that again rather than bring up Palin. My goodness, we know she’s an embarassment, don’t have to keep rubbing it in our faces. Luckily, she wasn’t born here, so we have something to redeem ourselves with.
cmarie April 8, 2011, 4:15 pm
Anyone who thinks showering is optional.
People with dreads, especially if they’re not from Jamaica.
People who want to give you a bath, as “foreplay”. Yeah, they’re just tenderizing you.
Anyone who gifts you lotion and says “it puts the lotion or it gets the hose” (unless you’re into that kind of kink)
Guys with teacup animals.
Anyone who considers you to be their birthday present.
Elle April 8, 2011, 4:30 pm
The last one is so true!!! OMG!!! It was my colleague’s birthday, and he maneuvered his way around to get back to my place at the end of the night. (He was drunk, I wasn’t, and I drove his car, since I took a ride to the party.) I only let him kiss me, though, since the entire time, all I was thinking was – ‘this guy doesn’t even have my number, even though we’ve known each other for 6 months.’ And ‘I only sleep with guys that date me. He’s adorable and it’s his birthday, but he has to try harder than that’.
And afterwards, nothing changed between us. I mean, the first time we saw each other after the kissing session, it was a bit uncomfortable, but man, was I glad he didn’t see me naked!!!
cmarie April 8, 2011, 5:21 pm
I went out to dinner with a girl from who work who was celebrating her BF’s birthday. I wouldn’t have normally went but she was so nice and seemed to really want me to go and a lot of other people were going to be there. I found out why she wanted me there so badly when her BF brought me a drink and asked if I was his “gift” because he was ready to unwrap it. Turns out she promised him a threesome with the bi-girl at work. I guess she didn’t think to inform me….Yeah, I don’t hang out with her anymore.
Elle April 9, 2011, 3:11 pm
Thanks for the explanation, cmarie. Your story is so much worse than mine…
Calliopedork April 8, 2011, 4:53 pm
Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me
cmarie April 8, 2011, 6:18 pm
I’m going to add people who spell Pittsburgh without the “h”. We fought for that darn “h” and we deserve it! It drives me insane.
Might as well add people who mix up they’re, there, and their, you’re and your. I know we’re just boinking but grammar is nice. Example note: “Hey, had a great time last night, your awesome. I’m going to be at …if your their hit me up” No thanks.
anna728 April 8, 2011, 4:38 pm
#15 drives me so crazy! So many people I know are always posting vague statuses referencing their terrible life, sometimes directed at some particular person, obviously waiting for someone to ask them about it.
Not that all the other things on the list wouldn’t also be terrible!
WatersEdge April 8, 2011, 4:46 pm
#15 ALL THE WAY
Dave Jay April 8, 2011, 5:11 pm
How about anyone who thinks there IS such a thing as “casual sex”, “Friends with Benefits”, and “hookups”?
SpyGlassez April 8, 2011, 5:14 pm
I thought it said “People who look like Glenn Beck.” Oops!
Also, anyone who calls it “Eye-talian” dressing instead of “Ih-talian” dressing.
neuroticbeagle April 8, 2011, 5:39 pm
People who hate my dog.
People who my dog hates.
People who would like to have a threesome with my dog.
Ally April 8, 2011, 6:05 pm
Can I just stand up for people who scream in elevators? Sure if they are obviously mentally ill or something you probably wouldn’t want to have sex with them, but perfectly normal people could easily be pushed to screaming. Put me in an elevator, I’m going to find it quite hard not to scream. I usually take the stairs…
Bdubs629 April 9, 2011, 1:44 pm
I don’t scream, but I can totally relate with elevator fear! I get major anxiety and I start to hyperventilate every time I step into one. I avoid them as much as possible!
ele4phant April 8, 2011, 11:32 pm
Hate to say it, but I do #9 all the time. But in my defense, I’m from the West Coast, and well, rarely do I meet anyone from there or have to think about anything out there, so its not really on my radar.
RoyalEagle0408 April 9, 2011, 5:36 pm
What are you supposed to do with the ends of a loaf?
Chaotonic April 10, 2011, 1:11 pm
My man and I watched The Tooth Fairy, but you must take in consideration the fact we probably have every single movie that has ever came out in the past 5-10 years due to SO being a huge movie buff. He has to see everything at least once. 🙂