One of the more frustrating parts of being an advice columnist is the amount of letters I get from people asking how they can resuscitate a relationship when it’s clear what they really need to do is MOA! So, I thought in the interest of saving everyone time, I’d create a little checklist that people could use to determine whether it’s indeed time to MOA! After the jump, 20 signs your relationship is o-ver and you need to move (the fuck) on already.
1. You live on opposite sides of the country — or world! — and neither of you is willing to move.
2. You broke up three years ago, but you still blog about him every week.
3. You’ve gone out with him four times and he hasn’t so much as held your hand.
4. When you ask why he hasn’t changed his Facebook status to “In a Relationship,” he says he doesn’t want to upset his ex.
5. He’s obsessed with Justin Bieber.
6. He dumped you three months ago, but his Twitter is your homepage.
7. You want to get married, but he’s repeatedly told you he has no desire to wed you.
8. This is the fourth time you guys have broken up.
9. Every time you argue, he says, “You’re just like my ex!”
10. He’s hoping to be cast as next season’s “Bachelor.”
11. Every time you argue he says, “You’re just like my mom!”
12. You’ve been together more than three months but he still has an active online dating profile.
13. When you text him how much you love him, he texts back, “Who’s this?”
14. “Getting closure” sounds like a great idea for Date Night.
15. He tells you to lose weight even though you’re the same size you were when you met.
16. He owes you a large sum of money he keeps “forgetting” to pay you back.
17. Even your therapist wishes you’d stop talking about him.
18. He doesn’t own a phone, he refuses to introduce you to any of his friends or family, and he tells you you can’t come to his house because his guard dog might attack you.
19. He never brushes his teef.
20. He married someone else.