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Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

20 Things a Man Should Never Say to a Woman… in Bed

Women’s Health recently asked its readers to share some of the worst things a guy had ever said to them in bed. People tweeted things like: “(In baby voice) ‘I can’t wait to put the gravy on your widdle biscuit.’ ‘Biscuit’ meaning my lady parts.” Mmkay. And: “Let’s do this move that my ex and I always do.” And this gem: “Wow, you really need to workout.” After the jump, 20 more things men (and the lady-loving women) should never say to a woman…in bed.

 

1. Can you feel it?

2. You’re easier than you look (that’s a compliment).

3. They’re bigger than they look!

4. Can you handle it?

5. You could have surgery for that.

6. Please don’t mention this on RateYourProfessors.com.

7. You’re so much bigger/smaller/better/nicer than my wife.

8. Do you want to see it do a puppet show?

9. Sorry, I usually can last a lot longer.

10. But your sister did it for me.

11. It just doesn’t feel good with all that latex in the way.

12. Have you ever tried kegels?

13. I hope this doesn’t make things awkward between us.

14. Okay, but only if you shower first.

15. Will you do it if I trim them?

16. Oh, come on, just the tip.

17. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get hired, just so you know.

18. You smell just like my ex.

19. God, I’m going to have the worst hangover tomorrow.

20. Thanks, I’ll call you!

[via Men’s Health]

45 comments… add one
  • bagge72 September 25, 2012, 1:27 pm

    Are any of these acceptable on a drunk one night stand?

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  • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 1:32 pm

    Having once had a REALLY bad experience with an otherwise smoking hot sorority girl in college, I must say to the contrary that Number 14 CAN indeed be quite valid.

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    • Taylor September 25, 2012, 1:50 pm

      Good personal hygiene is a must!

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    • sarolabelle September 25, 2012, 1:54 pm

      yeah, nothing wrong with 14….

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    • theattack September 25, 2012, 3:38 pm

      Couldn’t you just suggest taking a shower together though? It’s much less insulting, and it won’t ruin the sexy mood.

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      • SweetsAndBeats September 25, 2012, 7:17 pm

        idk, I find it far more insulting to expect someone to have sex with you when you aren’t keeping up proper hygiene than to be called out on it

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  • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 1:58 pm

    21) Huh, interesting. Daryl said you were a fantastic lay… Guess he must be really inexperienced or something…

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  • Diablo September 25, 2012, 2:12 pm

    22) You weren’t faking, were you?

    I realize this is a female-dominated site, but there should be a parallel list for men. I’ll start:

    1) Are you done yet?
    2) Awwwww, it’s CUTE!

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    • JK September 25, 2012, 2:13 pm

      3) Is it in yet?

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      • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 2:18 pm

        4) But I have to call you Daddy…

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      • Diablo September 25, 2012, 2:24 pm

        This one goes on the gay list, too….

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  • AKchic September 25, 2012, 2:20 pm

    How about (and yes, I’ve had ALL of these said to me):

    A) You’re tighter than I expected
    B) Help me earn my “Red Wings” (*shudder* as if he was going to get laid that night anyways!)
    C) I had a crush on you in junior high (talk about feeling awkward)
    D) quoting anything on the tv going in the background (example: one time, we had Hot Fuzz going in the background and my SO parrotted “for the greater good” without thinking. I got the giggles. He got the giggles. Totally killed the mood and his erection. Hot Fuzz is banned from our bedroom now).
    E) I saw this once in a porno

    I have more… but this was really enough for giggles.

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    • bagge72 September 25, 2012, 2:24 pm

      Yeah I try really hard to not laugh if we decided to get some fun things going on in the bedroom while friends is on… I try

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      • Budj September 25, 2012, 2:38 pm

        laughing never made me miss a beat.

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      • AKchic_ September 25, 2012, 3:00 pm

        *laugh* Well… it was a definite mood killer. Trust me. “For the greater good” is not something a woman EVER wants to hear during sex.

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  • HmC September 25, 2012, 2:38 pm

    Ah I need to shower after reading those.

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  • Fabelle September 25, 2012, 2:42 pm

    I’ve had #9 (“I usually can last a lot longer”) said to me before, & the only thing that sucks about it is I have no idea how to respond. Like, I understand that everyone has one-minute man moments at times– no need to act embarrassed! Just wait 20 minutes & prove to me you “usually last longer” for the second round 😉

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    • KKZ September 25, 2012, 3:31 pm

      Yeah I don’t think it’s fair to shame men who are premature ejaculators – and saying that they shouldn’t ‘fess to it in bed like this IS shaming them.

      Same as you wouldn’t shame a woman for not being able to orgasm from PIV intercourse alone. Lots of women are like that, through no fault of their own. Sure, premature ejaculation isn’t ideal, but it’s also not the end of the world and doesn’t say anything bad about the guy.

      And I’ve totally told my husband to go wash up before I’ll get down with him. B.O. is not sexy!

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      • theattack September 25, 2012, 3:35 pm

        I definitely don’t think Fabelle is trying to shame men with that problem. Pretty sure she’s saying that they shouldn’t feel embarrassed like they have to apologize for it.

        Although I really don’t think a woman not having an orgasm is similar to a man having one too soon. One of those adversely affects the other person while the other one really doesn’t.

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      • KKZ September 26, 2012, 12:01 pm

        No no, wasn’t accusing Fabelle of shaming. In fact I probably shouldn’t have left my comment as a reply to hers. Same topic but otherwise unrelated to what she said.

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  • Amybelle September 25, 2012, 3:33 pm

    “We can’t make a habit of this.”

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    • Miss Dee September 25, 2012, 4:46 pm

      OMG!! A guy actually said that to me!! I was SHOCKED! We spent the next year playing games, with him denying he wanted to see me, then showing up at my house….

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      • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 4:59 pm

        Let me guess — was he Married? Not judging, just curious, because that’s when I’ve heard those same exact words…

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      • Amybelle September 25, 2012, 5:51 pm

        not married but had a girlfriend (they were on a break! lol)

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      • Amybelle September 25, 2012, 6:00 pm

        although i was married…it’s a very long story

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    • AKchic September 25, 2012, 5:21 pm

      I’ve heard that too. Like he was suggesting that he was some sort of addicting substance any woman would kill for. I told one guy “yeah, it won’t happen again” after he said that.

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      • Amybelle September 25, 2012, 5:56 pm

        This guy kind of was an addicting substance, which made it worse. Kind of an idiot, but unbelievably good in bed.

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      • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 6:07 pm

        Mine was, too. Sadly. Best. Sex. Ever.

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      • Miss Dee September 26, 2012, 3:32 pm

        This guy had issues, but he was good in bed. The worst thing – after the year was up, I didn’t hear from him again (we were both pursuing graduate studies). I run into him after a year at a meeting, and he is there with his WIFE (no, he wasn’t married when he and I “got together” – like I said, we were both pursuing graduate studies, and I had been to his apartment more than a few times). What really upset me was that his wife was the mirror image of me – only younger.

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      • LadyinPurpleNotRed September 26, 2012, 3:34 pm

        creepy!

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  • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 3:41 pm

    “Sometimes it’s fascinating to see just how bad, bad sex can be. This promises to go the limit…”

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  • RMM0278 September 25, 2012, 3:46 pm

    “You’re heavier than the girls I normally date.”

    [ten seconds later]

    “Did you break your nose? Because it’s totally crooked. I broke my once too.”

    Now I know why this guy went 7 years straight without so much as a woman’s touch. Literally. (Except for his mom.)

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  • Ginger87 September 25, 2012, 5:02 pm

    My ex-boyfriend once told me I was the fattest girl he ever slept with. This is the same ex-boyfriend that had *hundreds* of pictures of Marisa Miller taped to the wall next to his bed and would stare at them while having sex with me.

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    • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 5:29 pm

      Gee, I can’t imagine why you ever broke up with him.

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  • Juliet September 25, 2012, 5:03 pm

    “Are those stretch marks?”

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    • Rouge September 26, 2012, 12:31 pm

      I had that one said to me! Answer: They are motherhood battle scars and I earn them! – all in a proud voice-

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  • bittergaymark September 25, 2012, 5:30 pm

    “Ooooh. Wow. So, that’s what cellulite looks like. Yowsa… Hey, is that a dimmer switch?”

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  • CatsMeow September 25, 2012, 6:38 pm

    Am I the only one that would be OK with a puppet show?

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    • Caris September 25, 2012, 7:28 pm

      lol

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  • Cara September 26, 2012, 3:33 am

    “You´re the one!” wah, wait what? We´ve known each other for 5 hours!!!

    “I´m going to marry you and take you to Japan with me” same dude. Thinking he had a commitment fetish.

    The sex was good though, so I just didn´t listen to him.

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    • Lili September 26, 2012, 12:37 pm

      Commitment fetish! AHAHAHAHAHAH I’m laughing over that.

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    • MarkD September 27, 2012, 11:31 am

      Maybe he didn’t know there are women in Japan. I only took one.

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  • copacabananut September 26, 2012, 12:10 pm

    All things said by my loser ex (not all in the bedroom):

    1. Did you know you’re not the prettiest girl I’ve ever kissed? *Shows me the Facebook profile of another girl.* She’s so hot and has a twin!
    2. You’re heavier than my ex girlfriend. She was really thin and had big boobs. But don’t worry, she had a god-awful nose.
    3. I’m sorry I didn’t last very long, it’s just…it’s…been…awhile. I’m so sorry! (The first time we fooled around, he said this. He NEVER lasted long in the 2 years we dated. Sigh.)
    4. Did you just call me by your ex’s name??? YOU JUST CALLED ME [EX’S NAME]!!! (Also the first time we fooled around. No, I did not call him by my ex’s name.)

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  • j2 September 26, 2012, 3:30 pm

    “Uh-oh, I think it ripped.”

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  • Rachel September 26, 2012, 4:22 pm

    I feel like #9 is okay as long as it is followed with “…so what can I do for *you* ?”

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