Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

20 Wedding “Must-Haves” You DON’T Need

budget wedding

Four years ago today, I got engaged on a snowy bridge in Central Park on a Friday evening after work. Five months later, Drew and I were married in a sunny garden in Central Park on a Friday morning surrounded by about 70 of our closest friends and family. I wore a dress I bought on eBay for about a hundred dollars. I did my own makeup and hair. I made my own bouquet. We didn’t have a wedding cake. In fact, there were plenty of things we didn’t have and didn’t do that lots of people, “experts” and concerned citizens alike, proclaim are wedding must-haves. And yet, despite our apparent missteps as planners, we had a beautiful wedding — one that some of our guests still count among their favorites, several years later. For any of you stressing about all the details you’ve been told you have to include in your wedding, here are 20 wedding “must-haves” we happily skipped — or could have skipped — and you can too (if you want! And if you want to include them, that’s perfectly fine, too.).

1. STDs (Save-the-Date cards).
We sent an email to people as soon as we had a date and venue picked out. No one complained that they had one less thing to stick on their fridge or pitch in the garbage after marking it on their calendars, and we saved at least a couple hundred bucks on cards and postage.

2. An Engagement Party.
Because you’re already getting a party with gifts and attention and accolades. It’s called your wedding. And people will already be spending enough time and money to be there for you.

3. A Bridal Shower or bachelor/ette parties.
See #2. Now, if someone in your life wants to throw one of these for you — or, in my case, surprises you with one — enjoy yourself and be genuinely appreciative. But don’t think just because you don’t have these parties that your wedding will be any less special or your marriage any less valid.

4. A wedding band.
Make a playlist on your iPhone — or whatever you use — and hook it up to a portable speaker and be done with it.

5. A wedding website.
Despite what some people may say, a wedding website is not necessary — even for weddings with more than ten guests. You know what people did in the olden days before the internet? They included all necessary information on the invitation and answered the phone when people called with potential questions.

6. A gift registry.
It’s helpful to have one, sure. And creating one does increase the odds of getting stuff you actually want and will use. But you know what will happen if you buck tradition and skip a registry altogether? Your guests will figure something out. They might even use original thought.

7. A wedding party.
Bridesmaids, groomsmen, a Maid-of-Honor, a best man, a ring bearer, flower girl, blah, blah, freaking blah. You know who will be sad if you don’t give a handful of your guests special titles and make them dress in matching outfits? Pretty much no one.

8. A florist.
Go to Youtube and see how easy it is to pick up some flowers at a wholesale market or even a drugstore and make your own bouquet. Boom! That just saved you, like, several hundred bucks.

9. A wedding cake.
Have a wedding pie if you want! Or cupcakes. Or individual flutes of chocolate mousse that people can clink together for a “toast.” Or, if you really want a cake-cake, go to a bakery, order a large sheet cake and have them write your names and wedding date on the top. Boom! That just saved you another several hundred bucks.

10. A white wedding dress.
Or an expensive dress. Or a dress you find after going to a million bridal stores.

11. Wedding favors.
No one’s going to miss not having pastel-clored M&Ms with your initials in a little baggies tied with a ribbons in the color of your wedding placed lovingly on their dinner plates. Promise.

12. Chairs for everyone.
You know who needs a chair for your 20-minute ceremony? Old people, maybe disabled people, and the pregnant ladies. You know who doesn’t? Everyone else. It’s a few minutes. They’ve stood in lines at Disneyland for five times longer.

13. A dance floor.
Anyone who wants to bust a move when Beyonce’s “Crazy in Love” starts playing will find a corner or push a few chairs out of the way or climb on top of the table to make that shit happen. Anyone who wishes there was a place for the dollar dance needs to go back to 1987 and finish watching that episode of “Moonlighting” where Bruce Willis said something sexist.

14. A weekend ceremony.
For a variety of reasons, we had our wedding on a Friday. Yes, that meant that most of our guests had to take a day off from work if they wanted to be there. But there are probably worse ways to spend a Friday off in the summer than at Central Park, followed by a delicious — and free — lunch in Manhattan with your family and/or friends. And if there’s not, then people could have sent their regrets and we would have understood.

15. A professional makeup artist.
Personally, I hated the idea of a professional makeup artist. I wanted to look like myself, not like what some stranger thought a bride should look like. If you decide to use a professional makeup artist, have some photos to show the makeup person for inspiration, and make sure you do a practice run beforehand or you may end up looking like a Dolly Parton drag queen in your wedding photos.

16. A guestbook.
It’s fine if you want one, but if you don’t, just skip it. You’ll remember who was at your wedding through photos and cards you’ll save.

17. A rehearsal dinner.
And you don’t need a rehearsal for that matter, either. I think most people can figure out how to walk down an aisle without practicing first.

18. A block of hotel rooms.
If you have only a small number of out-of-town guests, like we did for our wedding, it probably doesn’t make sense to reserve a block of rooms at one hotel. It’s perfectly nice to email those guests a list of, say, 1-3 recommendations of conveniently-located, reasonably-priced, comfortable hotels and let them go from there.

19. Assigned seating.
We had assigned seating, but I’ve been to weddings that didn’t. And while I do think it’s easier — and a little more comfortable — on guests if they don’t have to hustle to find a table where they know someone or where there are enough seats for the people they want to sit with or where they have to save their seats with their purses or cell phones or what have you once they find a spot — you know what will happen if you don’t spend hours making a seating chart? One way or another, guests will find a place to sit. And all will be fine. And you’ll probably have fewer grey hairs to cover up on the big day.

20. A wedding planner.
Everything you need to know, you can find on the internet for free.

283 comments… add one
  • BecBoo84 February 6, 2013, 1:09 pm

    So this is completely off topic, but Wendy, it made me think of you: .

    Reply Link
  • Amanda February 6, 2013, 1:10 pm

    WWS x 10000. I’ve been to a few weddings and the only thing that I remember from all of them is whether the food and cake were good.

    Reply Link
  • Fabelle February 6, 2013, 1:11 pm

    Sending this to my boyfriend, at risk of him reading the site 🙂 haha. Because seriously, that man is likely to drive me insane whenever we get married. One time, we were talking about it, & I said something like “I don’t really want bridesmaids or anything at our wedding” & he was all like “WHAT omgggg, unheard of!” I’m afraid he’ll be a Groomzilla..

    Reply Link
    • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 1:43 pm

      same! since we’ve been to a fair amount of weddings together now, he actually likes discussing wedding plans with me. He wants a big traditional wedding that is going to cost us money…and is delaying the engagement. I’d rather just get married at the courthouse sooner rather than later, but it’s important to him so whatever 🙂 The only non-traditional thing I’ve put my foot down on is having georgetown cupcakes (no they are not overhyped that are actually the bomb diggity) instead of cake.

      Reply Link
      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 1:54 pm

        Those cupcakes are amazing.

    • Imsostartled February 6, 2013, 2:32 pm

      That’s what our friends called my husband during our engagement. But, to his point it was unfair, because he was only showing interest in things that typically aren’t “groom” things and wasn’t throwing a tantrum. It was interesting to see how many traditional elements were really important to him. For me I was like “traditional! Yuck!” I want to frolic in a meadow on a Wednesday with a handfasting. While he was like I want to have ALL of our family and ALL of our friends at our wedding, it should be in a church and we should do all of the things done in typical weddings. He thought I was ridiculous for being like “We don’t need a wedding party!”. Ultimately it was a mix between the two and fit our personalities perfectly.

      Even though I think I was pretty laid back about the wedding there were one or two times where I freaked out. “MY DRESS ISN’T POOFY ENOUGH!!!” even though I had no desire whatsoever to look like a princess or have a poofy dress. The wedding industry can get to you…

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark February 6, 2013, 1:16 pm

    Deliberately opting to not even have enough chairs at your own wedding? Guests randomly deemed fit enough shouldn’t mind spending your entire ceremony on their feet? Um, no… Hell no. Look, I am sorry. But talk about tacky. I simply won’t stand for that.

    Reply Link
    • mf February 6, 2013, 1:25 pm

      Ha! “Won’t stand for that.” I see what you did there!

      Reply Link
    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 1:25 pm

      Sorry, Mark, but we had our wedding in Central Park where it’s not allowed to have more than a handful of chairs. People have ceremonies in public parks all the time where it’s not usually possible to bring in chairs for every guest. I’d rather stand at a lovely 20-minute ceremony in a beautiful and historic park than sit on an uncomfortable bench in a stuffy church for an hour.

      Reply Link
      • bittergaymark February 6, 2013, 1:32 pm

        Really? What an odd rule for Central Park to have. I guess, I am having trouble wrapping getting my head around this notion in that EVERY wedding I’ve ever been to has seemingly been, well, endless.. I know, I know, that I find weddings, well, boring, so it’s true that they often would maybe just “seem” to drag… but no, look, there is no way that any of them have truly been even remotely brief. Not with all those “readings” and special songs belted out by somebody who thinks its American Idol auditions, dreary slow-witted preachers, and those hilariously self-penned vows that often simply thesaurus themselves over and over and over…

        A twenty minute ceremony? Sadly, I’ve never had the pleasure…

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 1:36 pm

        Yes, 20 minutes. There were no speakers, no long walk down the aisle by multiple people (there actually wasn’t a real “aisle”), no special songs or any of that. It was very short, there were chairs for the people who truly needed them, plenty of benches for people to rest on in the minutes before the ceremony, and then we chartered three buses that people immediately boarded afterward to ride to the reception. Really, the amount of standing was very minimal, and it seemed worth it to us to have the wedding in the park, a place that’s special to us for a variety of reasons (and also much, much cheaper than most other venues in manhattan!).

      • lemongrass February 6, 2013, 2:59 pm

        My wedding was similar- park wedding, 20 mins tops and we didn’t have chairs. Our ceremony consisted of the officiant’s small speech, our vows and thats it. No speeches, songs, etc. There were no elderly or pregnant women attending so we didn’t need chairs. Nobody complained! I’ve been to weddings without chairs and as long as they are short I don’t mind at all.

      • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:05 pm

        Mine was 20 – and that included the prelude and other music! And it was on a beach and some people stood because there weren’t enough chairs or they didn’t want to be in the sand and it was fine. I think there’s a difference if your talking the full hour+ Catholic mass though…

        and this is different than if the issue was chairs for dinner. If you need to sit to eat, you have to have a chair to sit in. But I’ve been to plenty of places where even cocktail hour has limited to no seating and there are lots of high-top tables and it was fine.

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 1:37 pm

        I agree, Mark. One of the worst things about being a bridesmaid is having to stand during the whole ceremony, especially in heels. I certainly don’t want the guests to have to deal with it too. I was in a wedding last summer where the ceremony lasted about an hour. There was communion, the groom sang a song to the bride, a sermon, some jokes, the bride pretty much impromptu started giving her own sermon, vows, etc. The very second I got out of the room after walking back down the aisle I had to take my shoes off because my feet hurt so bad. I just don’t think it’s practical in most cases, but I can understand why some people need to skip chairs.

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 1:46 pm

        A friend of mine had a ceremony so short that we didn’t even have a chance to sit down after she walked down the aisle. It was over in literally 5 minutes.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 1:50 pm

        i have to say, i find all those readings and things to be very un-necessary and boring. they remind me of church.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 1:56 pm

        That’s probably bc weddings that have that stuff are held in a church.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:26 pm

        ive actually never been to a wedding in a church…. haha

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:32 pm

        That’s surprising. I’m trying to think of how many I went to in a church v. not in a church. Even the ones not in a church still had a lot of religious things.
        The readings were from what then? Just something someone at the wedding wrote, or like a What is Love reading from the bible?

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 2:38 pm

        What readings?

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 3:23 pm

        Readings at weddings.

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 3:32 pm

        Not everyone has them. Most weddings I’ve been to do not.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 4:07 pm

        Same here, I meant the ones katie was talking about that’s she’s heard at weddings.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:39 pm

        hmmm.. lets see. ok, the last religious wedding i was at was religious readings- we said the lords prayer, the guy prayed, bible readings, a “hand ceremony”, and then the vows were like an really expanded version of the traditional ones. the last non/sort of-religious wedding i went to was prayer, a lot of readings of poems, original writings, and maybe even just a speech or something, then a hand ceremony, then the traditional vows.

        if im remembering right. like i said, i kind of feel like its church and i tend to zone out. lol

      • Fabelle February 6, 2013, 2:41 pm

        yeah, I’ve never been to a wedding in church either. And I’d consider most of the weddings I attended to be pretty “traditional” but the vows were just short things, & there were little poems about love & stuff. No prayer at all, I don’t think?

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 3:07 pm

        Yea, if you’re not a churchgoer, or religious, you’re prob gonna find that stuff very boring. And maybe even if you are religious!

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 2:42 pm

        A lot of times people read poems and stuff. Or a passage out of a book they like, or something like that.

      • Pamplemousse Rose February 6, 2013, 2:45 pm

        Do you mean the “Love is patient” etc. reading? I was at a wedding once where the MOH quoted it in her speech, and told us all it was a quote from The Notebook. *facepalm*

      • CatsMeow February 6, 2013, 2:49 pm


      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 3:08 pm

        That’s what I meant, and wow that is facepalm worthy!

      • Foxxdye February 7, 2013, 2:54 am

        I liked it better when I was imagining that Night at the Roxbury got it from the Bible!

      • Astronomer February 6, 2013, 1:51 pm

        Haha, I beat Wendy! Mine ceremony was, like, maybe 8 minutes long. Or as we like to say, three stops on the Red Line. We got married on Chicago’s L with no permit, so we hustled everyone on and off pretty quickly.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 1:57 pm

        that’s awesome!

      • painted_lady February 6, 2013, 1:58 pm

        That is awesome. I want to do that.

      • Jessica February 6, 2013, 2:23 pm

        All of the weddings I have been to in the last few years have had secular ceremonies that were twenty minutes or less! Lucky me!

      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 2:47 pm

        Most lutheran ceremonies I’ve been to are under 30 minutes. The catholic ones? looooooong. ugh. Definitely need chairs for that.

        I did go to a ‘no chair’ ceremony in a park in colorado recently. They and chairs for some of the elderly, which didn’t bother me. What DID bother me was that they were late, no one knew where to go (it wasn’t obvious where the ceremony was to be held). It would have been nice to have a sign, or one person in charge to direct people.

      • Jess B May 16, 2013, 8:54 pm

        Catholic ones are only long if you do the full mass (i.e. the Eucharist/Communion). Since many of our guests were Protestant, we didn’t do the mass, which kept it around 20-25 minutes. Of course, Catholic weddings are required to be in a church*, so that took care of the seating issue.
        *Yes, you can request to be married elsewhere – typically in another type of church/synagogue. No, I’ve never heard of outside weddings being permitted. The official stance is that marriage is a sacrament – like baptism – that should be celebrated in God’s house and before God as a means of recognizing the holiness of the bond.

      • wendykh February 8, 2013, 1:12 am

        Mine was 10. People drank cocktails and smoked during. We walked to a lovely waterfront spot from the reception hall and went for it.

    • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:06 pm

      I’ve been at a wedding with no chairs. It was in the lobby of an art museum. The bride and groom and officiant (my boyfriend actually) stood on the stairs, and the guests stood around them. The ceremony lasted just a few minutes. It was lovely.

      Reply Link
      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:14 pm

        Sounds like Chuck and Blairs wedding 🙂

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:20 pm

        Haha, I don’t know who they are.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Get with the times, rachel. Gossip girl! Helloooo. I loved that stupid show.

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:25 pm

        Ah, no I never watched that one…though I don’t think you can say get with the times when the show hasn’t been on for years :p

        It was pretty awesome though. The front wall of the museum was all glass, so a bunch of random people in the street stopped to applaud when they kissed.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:33 pm

        I’ll have you know it just ended last year. So there.

        That sounds amazing though.

    • Betsy February 6, 2013, 2:10 pm

      I was standing at two of the last three weddings I attended, as both were on the beach, and everyone was perfectly fine standing for the brief ceremony. The first was a windy April day on Cape Cod and everyone was much warmer as we were, standing close together. At the other, the tide quickly came in and we were all easily able to run away. Of course, if your ceremony is going to be an hour long with readings, musical numbers and what-not, then provide everyone with a chair.

      Reply Link
    • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 2:39 pm

      Meh. I think it all depends on the length of the ceremony. If you plan a fairly lengthy one (I’d say more than 15 minutes long) you need a seat for everybody.

      But if its supposed to be a short one, I don’t think that’s an unreasonable amount of time to be standing. Of course the couple must let their guests know this well in advance so they can plan footwear accordingly, or give them time to let the couple know they may have a health issue that must be accommodated.

      Honestly I’d far prefer to stand for a short ceremony then get a seat and have to sit there for an hour. Really a wedding (IMO) should not take that long.

      Reply Link
    • ktfran February 6, 2013, 3:49 pm

      My cousin had a lovely garden wedding that last maybe 15 mintues. Everyone stood, except as Wendy stated, the disabled or really old. No big deal and to this day, one of my favorite weddings. I

      Reply Link
  • lemongrass February 6, 2013, 1:20 pm

    I skipped lots of those and I had a really nice wedding. I will say that if you have kids in your wedding party then you should do a rehearsal, especially if you are getting married in a park where the walking path might not be clear. It’s cute if they are 4 and mess it up, not so cute at 8 or 9 🙂

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 1:59 pm

      Also re: kids…Bridesmaids, groomsmen, a Maid-of-Honor, a best man, a ring bearer, flower girl, blah, blah, freaking blah. You know who will be sad if you don’t give a handful of your guests special titles and make them dress in matching outfits? Pretty much no one.

      I know mine loves getting a “special title” and dress. lol

      Reply Link
      • lemongrass February 6, 2013, 3:01 pm

        My husband’s niece was so happy to be a flower girl. She had been to several weddings and really wanted to be one. My nephew got to walk her down the “aisle” and he was really happy about that, too. To make it even cuter, they held hands and we didn’t ask them to! They just did.

  • theattack February 6, 2013, 1:28 pm

    I really think a rehearsal is necessary if you have any other people besides the bride walking down the aisle. It really helps to time the music and figure out if you need to walk slow-ish, fast-ish, or if it doesn’t matter at all. I’m also a proponent of wedding websites. They’re free, they take minimal effort, and they really help guests. I’ve had more than one occasion where I’ve left the invitation at home and needed to look up the address or exact time on the road. It’s much better to take half an hour to make a free site and add that stuff than it is to receive phone calls from lost guests on your wedding day. Maybe that’s a bigger deal when you have a lot of guests, but it certainly makes it easier.

    I completely agree with you on a lot of this stuff though.

    Reply Link
    • Pamplemousse Rose February 6, 2013, 1:50 pm

      We’re also having everyone RSVP through the wedding website so we don’t have to deal with response cards or Canada Post (you all think USPS is bad? It’s a dream in comparison!)

      Reply Link
    • landygirl February 6, 2013, 1:55 pm

      We had our rehearsal dinner the day of the final game of the World Series in 2011 and my in-laws are Cardinals fans so they kept disappearing to the bar in the next room to watch the game. Just close family and out of town guests attended. It was super casual and was a blast.

      Reply Link
    • Desiree February 6, 2013, 2:10 pm

      Totally with you. I am doing a full Catholic ceremony, so a rehearsal really is necessary (or I won’t know what to do!). And with 3/4 of my guests out of state, the wedding website is also really useful. I think the rise of long distance weddings has made the website more important. But yeah, the rest I agree with.

      Reply Link
    • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 2:43 pm

      It’s necessary if you are planning a big production – and I think Wendy’s main point is you don’t HAVE to have a big production to start with.

      Reply Link
      • theattack February 6, 2013, 2:46 pm

        I think it’s necessary to have either way, big or small.

      • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 2:57 pm

        Agree to disagree. If there is a very small wedding party (or no wedding party) and the extent of their duties are to show up, look nice, and stand by the couple during a brief and simple ceremony, a quick debrief before the ceremony should be fine. But again, I think the point is you can do whatever you want for your wedding. For you that may mean having a rehearsal dinner. For me it will not.

        There are no wedding laws that can be broken, and no wedding police will haul you off to wedding jail if you do something wrong.

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 3:05 pm

        I’m not saying anyone else should have to have one if they don’t want it. I’m just saying that I would not feel comfortable being in a wedding without having rehearsed it first. Hell, I can’t make a phone call without rehearsing what I’m going to say first. I think it’s important for the key players to know exactly what they’re doing, if for no other reason than to calm their nerves, but in reality, it should prevent a lot of problems too.

      • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 3:15 pm

        And even if you do have a big complicated wedding and decide not to have a rehearsal dinner – what’s the worst that can happen?

        There might be a few moments of confusion where things don’t go smoothly? That’s really not too big a deal (and chances are it might happen anyways). I mean, no one will get hurt or killed, the marriage will still be valid, and its not like your guests are expecting professional production values.

        Is it helpful to have a wedding rehearsal instead of just giving directions to your attendants for these types of weddings? Yes of course. Is it required? Nope, it’s your choice to have one.

    • bittergaymark February 6, 2013, 3:10 pm

      Okay, as a performer, the way that rehearsals are always so slipshod… so vague and just merely talking the group through things baffles me. I mean, you rarely ever actually rehearse anything. And look, I do think the lack of a proper rehearsal is why so many weddings resemble a 2012 Britney Spears lipsync fest rather than, say, a Madonna concert. Far too many weddings are just sloppy! With people stumbling around like little lost sheep trying rather desperately to find their way.

      Have a god damn rehearsal. Do the walk down the aisle. Time it all out out so its not the clusterfuck it all too often is. Hell, I was in a wedding once where NONE of us could remember WHICH aisle to go down as there had been a endless debate about it and as there were FOUR to choose from, we (of course!) went down the wrong one… Whoops. (It was really easy to do as the “proper” aisle wasn’t logically apparent.)

      Honestly, I can’t imagine getting married without a proper rehearsal…

      Reply Link
      • theattack February 6, 2013, 3:12 pm

        Yes! And even if it’s a small wedding with no aisles or walking in or formality whatsoever, it just makes sense to me to show up to the place and scope everything out beforehand.

      • Kristen February 6, 2013, 3:38 pm

        I’m so glad we had a rehearsal. It took two or three times for the bridal party to get their timing worked out and get the little kids used to walking down the aisle. It also cleared up a lot of the “when do I do this?” questions, like my dad handing me off to my husband, etc. It made the actual wedding a lot less stressful knowing we had practiced!

      • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 3:24 pm

        Maybe people shouldn’t try to put on professional productions if there not actual professionals? I dunno – just a thought. If you don’t know what you’re doing – maybe don’t try to stage a show comparable to cirque de soliel

      • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:12 pm

        Just a though but sometimes it’s not about the show… it’s the venue. I was in a wedding once (not a big production at all) where the beautiful church was a really old historic one in New England, and there weren’t pews – there were boxes! like box seats (apparently that is how they raised money to fund the church back in the 1700s) and if we hadn’t rehearsed it would have been a disaster. Although it was easier to keep the flower girl in line because she was locked in:)

    • Sarah February 7, 2013, 12:17 pm

      I agree that a rehearsal is a good idea. For my wedding we spent about 30 minutes doing 2 quick trial runs, just to make sure everyone understood the speed/timing and where they were supposed to stand afterwards – but ours was held in a backyard and we didn’t have any kind of alter, we just had a giant tree as a sort of canopy- plus there were 3 flower girls all under the age of 6. As far as rehearsal dinners go, we actually had a sunset shrimp boil over looking the bay with immediate family and members of the wedding party, with drinking and dancing galore- it was almost as fun as the wedding! I recommend using it as a fun way to unwind before the big day!

      Reply Link
  • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 1:40 pm

    I agree you don’t NEED a lot of this stuff, but a lot of it does make it easier for guests or yourself. My SIL thought about doing her own flowers. Until she had a friend whose flowers were wilted from a wholesale vendor. And putting together 20 centerpieces the day before your wedding? No thanks. Plus the block of hotel rooms usually gives people a discounted room. Not trying to be difficult, just playing devils advocate 🙂 I definitely agree on the bachelorette party, professional makeup artist, wedding planner, and cake though.

    Reply Link
    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 1:48 pm

      Well, what if you didn’t want floral centerpieces? You don’t need them if you don’t want them. And if you only have a few out-of-town guests coming to your wedding, it’s probably not enough to get a block of rooms anyway (as was the case with us). I know you’re just playing devil’s advocate but if the devil in this case is the wedding industry, trust me when I say it doesn’t need an advocate. My point of this post is to argue that tradition or what you read in wedding magazines or in the comments section of your favorite advice blog or what your mom or your aunt or your best friend tells you to do isn’t necessarily the best — or the only — choice for you.

      Reply Link
      • katie February 6, 2013, 1:51 pm


      • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 2:04 pm

        No I agree that you don’t NEED anything at a wedding besides two people, an officiant, and a witness(s) (legally speaking). But there are practical reasons that people do have these things, depending upon the wedding. Like you said assigned seating makes things easier, registries can be useful, etc…

      • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 2:06 pm

        Oh and my addition to the list: THE ELECTRIC SLIDE or any other choreographed dance.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:16 pm

        Wrong. I will take my gift back if they don’t play the electric slide.

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 2:12 pm

        Most of these things are extras that actually don’t make things easier, but make things more complicated — a guest book, a wedding cake, a wedding band, a wedding party, the perfect dress, a rehearsal dinner, an engagement party, STDs. People get them either because they truly want them — which, great, they should get them if they want them and can afford them — or because they’ve been told through the wedding industrial complex that runs rampant in our society that they OMG HAVE TO HAVE THEM. My point is to say, no, actually, you don’t need them at all, and in many cases your wedding will be even nicer and you and your guests even happier without them.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:18 pm

        Many guests will be happier without cake? False.
        I’ll give you STDs. I’d be happier if going to a wedding didn’t result in an STD, but cake?! Come on people! 🙂

      • Fabelle February 6, 2013, 2:30 pm

        I dunno, every wedding I’ve been to, I somehow managed to miss out on the cake? My mom usually will be asking me questions afterwards like “How was it? What did the cake look like?” And I usually have NO CLUE, because I didn’t pay attention, nor did I even get to eat it. So as a guest, I probably wouldn’t miss having cake 🙂

        I do remember one wedding where they had a dessert buffet table though, which I certainly did partake in & it was lovely (one item was a chocolate fountain & dippable items like waffles). But not necessary at all.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:33 pm

        Also, traditional wedding cake is boring in my opinion. And you never know how good it’s going to be.

        I guess I could be considered a cake snob though, haha

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:37 pm

        Have you watched the cake boss’ new show, Next Great Baker? You should try out next season!

        fab, I’ve enjoyed those dessert buffets more than a cake too. What’s better than a cake? Lots of cakes, and pies, and brownies, and ice cream.

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 2:45 pm

        I’m a cake snob too, katie. I should have been a baker, because I think I’m better at that than anything else. I hired someone else to bake my wedding cake with major reluctance because I think I could do it better. I at least found someone who doesn’t freeze any of her cakes (a major improvement on most bakers in the wedding industry), and the sample I had was pretty good. She also bakes us a cake for our first anniversary and a cake to take on our honeymoon, so if it is good, that’s really exciting. We’ll see how it goes.

        Do you bake for a living, katie? I know you’ve said you were in the food industry

        I just feel like a cake is an essential part of a wedding, delicious or not.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 4:21 pm

        do i bake for a living..? hmm. ill say yes. i was trained as a “baker”, i am a “baker” by trade, but i have never held the title of “baker”. its a weird issue, baker vs. pastry chef.

        re: frozen cakes- if there is a functional purpose, thats fine. there are plenty of functional reasons to freeze things in pastry shops. if its for convenience, or if its because they dont have a well-run enough bakeshop that they cant make cake as they need it, thats an issue for me.

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 4:31 pm

        I’ve always been really curious about what the difference is between baker and pastry chef.

        I don’t know what functional reasons there would be to freeze things, but I’m not doubting that there are good reasons for doing it sometimes. I HATE frozen cake though. Cannot stand it. I would rather eat a live worm than a frozen cake. People say that you can’t tell the difference, but I definitely can, and it’s sickening for me. I think it tastes like what I imagine rat poison would taste like. I think that if you don’t want to take the time to bake a cake the day before the event, you probably shouldn’t be baking cakes for events.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 4:59 pm

        usually, at least in the contexts i have run into, bakers just bake stuff. think, make batter/dough and put it in the oven until its done and take it out. also, its usually only specifical to bread. then, pastry chefs do that, but they also do all the pretty stuff- sort of taking what the baker bakes and then making it look good. but its going to vary all the time. i did everything (bread and pastries) at one job, and i was a “pastry cook” and the overnight shift at panera who bakes and finishes all the bread/pastries are “bakers”. its subjective and weird and makes no sense.

        if a bakery is freezing cakes, it should only be overnight for functionality (im thinking of setting mousses, ease of un-molding, and sculpting). if they are freezing cakes for any longer, yea thats bad and im sure you can taste the difference!

      • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 5:01 pm

        There’s a cake place here in DC that refrigerates their cakes for like a day or two. They say its so the flavors can ‘soak in’ but their cakes are always super dry for me. Plus I hate having to wait for my cake/cupcake to defrost to eat it!

      • Pamplemousse Rose February 6, 2013, 2:33 pm

        Just because there’s no cake, doesn’t mean no desserts!! Our caterer does an awesome table of cakes, tortes, cheesecakes, pies, etc. Most weddings I’ve been to barely half the guests eat the cake and they’ve even forgotten to cut it at some!

      • camorzilla February 6, 2013, 3:27 pm

        I didn’t have cake- I had cupcakes and a candy bar. People were plenty happy.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 5:01 pm

        I was thinking how cool that you handed out candy bars, then realized you meant a bar with candies. Duh. Also cool though.

      • Kim February 6, 2013, 3:32 pm

        I got very confused when I saw “… STDs.” Oops, wrong STDs.

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:08 pm

        “if the devil in this case is the wedding industry, trust me when I say it doesn’t need an advocate.”

        Never have truer words been spoken. Brilliant, Wendy. Brilliant.

      • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:14 pm

        Wendy – FWIW I think that lots of places away from NYC don’t require minimums to arrange a room block. I know in my case I didn’t need a minimum, guests just had to reserve by a certain time or the rooms were released to the public. Having the room block (sans minimum) could also make transportation easier.

    • Kristen February 6, 2013, 3:42 pm

      We ended up buying silk flowers and putting together our own bouquets, which wasn’t too bad. We were able to make them several weeks ahead of time and then just fluff them the day before the wedding.

      As for the cake, we found a great solution to help save money. We had the cake person make a three-tier cake, but only the top tier was actually made out of cake. The rest was decorated styrofoam. Then we served people slices of cake that came from giant sheet cakes, and no one knew the difference. It was great!

      Reply Link
  • Pamplemousse Rose February 6, 2013, 1:42 pm

    I’m getting married in two months, today! And this list makes me feel a lot better about choosing to cut out so much of this stuff that felt unimportant to us (like no cake! We get the sideways glances for that). We did block rooms since it gets out of towners a better rate and there was no cost to us, just a phone call. We are also nixing long speeches, slideshows and the bouquet/garter toss.

    Reply Link
    • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 1:44 pm

      omg, have you ever been to a wedding where they groom pulls off the garter, and then who catches it has to put it on the woman who caught the bouquet? Usually they are perfect strangers and it is so creepy and uncomfortable and way too sexual for a wedding for me. It’s so weird!

      Reply Link
      • katie February 6, 2013, 1:53 pm

        the last wedding i was at, a little girl (like…9?) caught the bouquet, and then this middle aged man caught the garter. i was like, omg. wtf is going to happen next. i dont want to watch.

        thankfully, he gave it to her littler brother, and they didnt do the putting-back-on of the garter.

        i also hate this tradition and think its weirdly creepy.

      • Pamplemousse Rose February 6, 2013, 2:01 pm

        And embarassing! No one needs to see any of that.

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:02 pm

        I was at a wedding where it ended up being cousins. And they did it! So creepy.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 2:14 pm

        It’s disgusting in my opinion. I litterally turn away (or leave the room) when it’s going on. The last time I did participate I caught the flowers and my fiance caught the garter. Thank goodness there was no putting the garter back on business because I would have refused.

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 2:23 pm

        Add Garter to the list of things I didn’t have/do.
        My husband would have refused anyway.

      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 2:51 pm

        this totally happened to me. GIANT Catholic wedding out in LA and the brides family was Filipino. HER LITTLE BROTHER caught the garter and had to put it on my leg. ZOMG

    • theattack February 6, 2013, 2:00 pm

      I hate watching the groom go up the bride’s dress for the garter. It is so awkward and embarrassing for everyone to watch. We are absolutely not doing that because we just think it’s inappropriate. He can put his head up my dress as long as he wants AFTER the wedding when everyone else is gone, ya know? I guess I’m not a fan of sexualizing weddings at all.

      Reply Link
      • Desiree February 6, 2013, 2:50 pm


      • lemongrass February 6, 2013, 3:06 pm

        Yeah we didn’t do that for the same reasons. I did plan to throw my bouquet but I totally forgot to. Or I may have been too drunk to remember. One of the two 🙂

      • othy February 6, 2013, 4:36 pm

        My MIL bought one for our wedding. We conveniently ‘forgot’ it at home the day of.

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 5:24 pm

        Eww, that’s really gross….

      • Matcha February 6, 2013, 4:50 pm

        Exactly! Ew.

    • Desiree February 6, 2013, 2:47 pm

      My wedding is in exactly two months as well! Congratulations to you and good luck with the rest of the preparation!

      Reply Link
      • Pamplemousse Rose February 6, 2013, 6:05 pm

        And to you!! It seems like a lot of time, but I’m starting to feel the crunch a bit…

  • mandalee February 6, 2013, 1:49 pm

    Love this list, Wendy! I got married without plenty of these things and no one noticed. No wedding website, just info inserts. Regarding favors, my MOH is getting married this year and called me to ask me what my favors were because she couldn’t remember and thought it was something with food. I reminded her that I didn’t have actual favors, and just made a donation in our guests name instead. So, if your MOH won’t remember, neither will anyone else lol I think maybe a 1/4 of our bridal party attended the rehearsal, but they walked slowly in pairs just fine.

    Basically, a wedding is the signing of the marriage certificate and the vows you exchanged, everything else is just extras. I really wish the wedding craziness would die down. I blame Pinterest, wedding boards, and all around crazy expectations for thinking it needs to be such a huge production to be memorable and meaningful.

    Reply Link
  • gillociraptor February 6, 2013, 1:50 pm

    I totally wore the same J.Crew dress for my inexpensive wedding! 🙂

    Reply Link
    • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 2:00 pm

      My dress is from JCrew too! Bought on super sale with a coupon!

      Reply Link
    • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:19 pm

      Ann Taylor rocks as well, nice fabrics for very good prices. It all came in a box, I tried it on, picked one and DONE.

      On another note… I’ve already dyed the dress dark to reuse but I can’t decide if I want to make it shorter.

      Reply Link
  • landygirl February 6, 2013, 1:50 pm

    I loved our wedding day. It was at the end of October, which in the Bay Area means beautiful weather. It was warm and sunny and we had a small ceremony in our backyard with just family and out of town relatives. My husband’s younger brother performed the ceremony and the dog got to be there too!

    We had a reception afterwards at Delancey Street which is a wondeful organization that teaches a trade and new life skills to people who have had a tough life. All of the servers are people who are in the program and turning their lives around. All of the profits go back into the business. They were the best staff one could hope for. They did everything from setting up the tables, making the flower arrangements and cleaning up. I barely did anything. It was great.

    We had a variety of cupcakes which were delicious. No hard alcohol but we did serve beer and wine. No wedding party, no dancing, just dinner and music played from a songlist on my iphone. I had a lot of positive responses from my guests saying that they had a great time.

    Delancey Street is in several cities throughout the country and they have other business, including movers, who are excellent. If you ever get a chance to us their services, don’t hesitate.

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:06 pm

      Delancey Street sounds awesome. I’m going to look into it. Thanks.

      Reply Link
  • katie February 6, 2013, 1:54 pm

    so- did you guys know that in colorado (and other states too i guess, but i only know of colorado) you can marry YOURSELVES? isnt that the coolest thing ever??

    Reply Link
    • theattack February 6, 2013, 2:02 pm

      That’s crazy! Do you also have to divorce yourself if you want to marry someone else? I guess property division is much more simple, and you don’t have to pay alimony.

      Reply Link
    • mandalee February 6, 2013, 2:07 pm

      I think that’s awesome! I know at some counties, not sure about that whole state, that allow you to do that in Pennsylvania. I wanted to do it so bad, but life got in the way, and we had to get our marriage certificate before the wedding. *hangs head in wedding etiquette shame* lol

      Reply Link
      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 2:32 pm

        mandalee- every county in PA is required to issue the liscense now to anyone (not just Quakers) who meet the state requirements. There was just a court case about this.

    • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 2:11 pm

      Yup. You can do it in PA. It stems from back in the day when PA was founded by Quakers. In the Quaker tradition the couple says their marraige vows to each other in a normal Meeting for Worship (what a church service is called). The couple would just stand up together and share their vows in front of God and their friends and family and bam! Their married! The do not beleive you need some one to declare or some outward sacriment to be married.

      I’m Quaker and we’re having a traditional Quaker ceremony. The liscense in PA is called a “self uniting” liscense, my fiance and I sign it and then we have two witness sign it and I file with the state. I prefer this way a lot because no one is declaring or deciding I’m married. That’s my fiance and my decision and we’re declaring it to each other.

      Reply Link
      • theattack February 6, 2013, 2:17 pm

        Oh umm…. I definitely did not understand this the same way you did. I thought Katie meant that GatorGirl was allowed to marry GatorGirl in Colorado. haha

        I really wish we were Quakers. I just love the ideas and traditions. I love everything I’ve heard about it actually.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:20 pm

        ha! i totally didnt know if you honestly didnt know what i meant or if you were being funny… lol

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 2:22 pm

        haha, umm…. Right, yup, I was just being funny! That’s it….

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 2:20 pm

        There is a Quaker meeting in your town 🙂 There are a couple different branches of Quakerism but this is the type I am (and the kind I think is the best). You should check it out.

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 3:10 pm

        I’m really surprised there are Quakers here. I’ve never even met a Quaker besides knowing you online. I don’t really get everything it’s all about. I think I just have a lot of beliefs that don’t fit into religions, and I’m kind of looking for people to share them with.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 3:16 pm

        You should look at the link. It’s got a lot of pretty great info. Quakerism used to be a huge religion but it’s been shrinking. The views/stances of the Religious Society of Friends are evolving a lot right now so it’s a pretty interesting time. I’ve been educating my self a lot more as we want to raise our children is some kind of religion and am finding all kinds of new about a religion I not only grew up in but attended a high school and college based in! It’s pretty awesome if you’re looking for something more about personal relationships with God rather than following x, y, and z rules. (To each his own though, I’m not trying to say other ways are bad!)

      • theattack February 6, 2013, 3:24 pm

        I’ve definitely been reading the link instead of working! haha Thanks, it’s super helpful! I don’t really believe in one God, so I’m not sure if I would fit in there. I just feel things spiritually and respond to them, and from what I’ve read, it sounds like Quakers sort of do the same thing? I just don’t really believe in the structures that most people believe in. Sometimes I think I’m pagan, and sometimes I think I should go to Unitarian church or find some Quakers. I’ll check this out some more. Thanks!

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 3:33 pm

        I think you’d fit in. It’s like the most hippie organized religion. Every meeting is different though so…

      • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:24 pm

        “Best” most ironic part about Quakers (if you are from the Philly area) are the number of schools that have Quakers as their mascot. How freakin’ tough are you supposed to be as a high school football team or NCAA program when your mascot is a Quaker!?!

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:43 pm

        I went to a Quaker high school and college and both were the “Fighting Quakers”. Talk about hypocritical!

      • CatsMeow February 6, 2013, 2:29 pm

        I will totally get married to myself. And I’ll make a gift registry too, but only a short one because what I REALLY want is for everyone to give me cash.

      • Lili February 6, 2013, 3:27 pm

        Is it weird I’m kinda a fan of the Dodge Dart registry? Thats SO cool. a car paid for in increments.

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 2:17 pm

        My friends had a Quaker Wedding in Rhode Island (they’re from PA though), and they married themselves. They had to have some sort of witness who signed off on it, but it was still pretty cool. Oh, and there were no chairs during that ceremony either 🙂 It was on the beach and we all stood around them in a circle. It was awesome.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:22 pm

        yea, i also love it for the same reasons- no one gets to decide im married but me and my partner.

        if im able to do it in colorado (or PA, who knows? lol), ill do it. its so cool.

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:11 pm

        GG, did I know and forget that you are from PA? Did we talk about this once with the meetup idea? I know you are having a Quaker wedding so it makes sense but I didn’t make the connection. I’m from Philly.

    • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:12 pm

      I know, all you have to do is sign the paper, you don’t need an officiant or witnesses. Another reason Colorado is awesome.

      Reply Link
      • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:13 pm

        That’s how one of my best friends got married at Casa Bonita 🙂

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:20 pm

        omg casa bonita wedding? so epic. besides the food being terrible, that is so awesome. lol

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:22 pm

        Haha, yeah, obviously the food is awful, but who doesn’t love that place? They had a cliff diver sign one of the witness spots, just because.

      • katie February 6, 2013, 2:25 pm

        haha thats like icing on the cake. so cool.

        honestly, id be fine with eating their sopapillas all day, so i wouldnt even care. lol

  • kaylyn February 6, 2013, 2:12 pm

    agree with most wendy! i think the ones i disagree with are rehearsal dinner, chairs and dance floor. i think the rehearsal mainly so people know where the heck they are supposed to be standing, the chairs- well ive been to one without chairs- no thanks lol. and the dance floor is just necessary. But to each their own and thats when weddingss become unique!

    Reply Link
  • bethany February 6, 2013, 2:16 pm

    We didn’t have a DJ, a dance floor, a wedding planner or an engagement party and it turned out fine!
    We also didn’t have readings during the ceremony.

    One of my wedding guests actually sent me a card after the wedding saying how much she enjoyed the wedding, and that the whole weekend felt like one giant hug, so I must have done something right!

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 2:20 pm

      What a nice compliment!

      Reply Link
  • rachel February 6, 2013, 2:18 pm

    I love the way you described the bridal party Wendy!

    Also, I think it’s funny you mention the dollar dance, I find that not everyone has heard of that one.

    I’ve been to some awesome weddings that didn’t include many of these details, the important part was seeing people I care about joining their lives together.

    Reply Link
  • sarolabelle February 6, 2013, 2:20 pm

    I don’t know about the cake. When can you have a 3 tier wedding cake if not for at your wedding? It is a once in a lifetime thing!

    Reply Link
    • katie February 6, 2013, 2:23 pm

      ….whenever you want? lol you can have a fancy cake for any occasion you deem it to be necessary!

      Reply Link
    • bethany February 6, 2013, 2:30 pm

      I could have easily gone without a cake… My husband on the other hand… The cake was the only part of wedding planning he was in charge of! He told the lady he didn’t care what it looked like, as long as it tasted good, and he got what he wanted. Every single piece got eaten.

      Reply Link
  • sobriquet February 6, 2013, 2:24 pm

    I wish I could discreetly send this list to my boyfriend’s brother and future sister-in-law. They are tight for money, decided to plan a wedding in an 8 month span, and I think it’s going to be miserable. They are having their wedding across the country and doing everything they can to please people who completely disagree with their marriage. I mean, vehemently disagree with it. There is no doubt in my mind that they will talk negatively about the couple at their own wedding! And not only are they taking their wedding across the country to them, they have decided to have a completely dry wedding to please these people. My boyfriend and I have mentioned options like having only wine and beer and a certain cut off limit, or even a CASH bar, but they don’t want to offend them. They’re spending a hundred bucks taking dance lessons to have a special dance, but they can’t spend $100 on 20 bottles of barefoot wine? Oh! And they’re not even going on a honeymoon! I asked her about it the other day and she said it would probably be a year until they could take their honeymoon and that we should come with them. (what?!?)

    Sorry, had to vent a little bit. I hear about the wedding planning all the time lately and just have to bite my tongue and act like it’s going to be wonderful. I just think it is so silly to spend all that money for people who don’t even want you to get married! And then not even go on a honeymoon!

    Reply Link
    • Lucy February 6, 2013, 4:19 pm

      Don’t have a cash bar: This is what happens:

      Also, dry weddings can be great. The percentage of people who act like assholes is so much lower than when people are drinking.

      Reply Link
  • the_optimist February 6, 2013, 2:45 pm

    So I participated in a few really amazing VERY low-budget weddings that were part of a Pop Up Chapel in New York. I’m an ordained minister and married two same-sex couples at Columbus Circle the week after same-sex marriage was legalized in New York. Check it out: http://popupchapel.com/. It was pretty badass. Granted, a lot of things were donated (chairs, party favors, cupcakes) but it gave me a TON of ideas for if/when I decide to walk down the aisle myself. Seeing twenty four couples who basically wanted nothing more than to be legally wed to one another put a lot in perspective for me. Weddings are what you make of them. Thanks for the list, Wendy. I wholeheartedly agree.

    Reply Link
  • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 2:51 pm

    So my thoughts…I’m totally with you on most of these (pre-wedding parties, a wedding band, bridal party, florist, wedding cake, favors, weekend date, hair and makeup, guest book, rehearsal dinner, wedding planner) but some things really are for the comfort/ease of your guests.
    Save the Dates- Our wedding is on a holiday weekend. Sending a cheap ($17 total) post card to all of our out of town guests gave them plenty of notice to plan for the travel (and save $$). We could have sent an e-mail, but I personally enjoyed sending the postcard and we got a ton of positive feedback on them.
    Wedding Website- Necessary? No. Super helpful to a lot of guests and minimal time invest? Yes. The bulk of our guests are from 400+ miles away and we stuck a ton of info on the website; hotel info, directions, local attractions, etc. We’re also having an online RSVP so we don’t have to deal with the BS of the postal service (and we can’t figure out where to send the RSVPs to so that decided it). I also really enjoy reading people’s wedding websites- how they met, the proposal, funny facts. It’s cute.
    Gift Registry- Do you want 3 George Foreman Grills? I don’t. Registries solve that.
    Chairs- So maybe you’re only having a 20 minute ceremony. But what about the 30 minutes people arrived early? And the 10 minutes late the bride is? So now we’re talking an hour standing; in heels, maybe holding a heavy blender/wedding gift, possibly in the sun or a stuffy church. Give your guests seats, for their own comfort.
    Dance Floor- who wants to dance while moving chairs?? A little space in the corner is not that hard to do.
    Assigned seating- Again, this one is guest comfort to me. Trying to find a table or splitting your group because there are only 2 seats when you need 3? Ugh. Just make a chart ahead of time. If you’re not having assigned seating please have 10% more seats then you have guests. There will inevitably be an empty seat or two at tables so extra seats ease this.

    Reply Link
    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 3:08 pm

      I think you’ve been reading too many wedding websites.
      Look, you say that some of these must-haves are for the ease of your guests, but then the first example you use — STD cards — you say you did because you got personal enjoyment out of it. That’s great! Do things if you enjoy them, absolutely! Do things if you think it will make things more comfortable for your guests and it’s fun for you to do — I suspect creating a wedding website was/is fun for you (again, great!). But if something is a lot of trouble for you — so much so that you’re having crying fits and stress attacks, for God’s sake, just skip it. Honestly, no one else is as wrapped up in your wedding (you, being general here, not YOU-YOU) as you are and people really won’t care if most of this stuff is nonexistent at your wedding. And if they do? They’re boring and don’t have enough going on in their lives. Truly.

      Down with the wedding industrial complex! Down with it, I say!

      Reply Link
      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 3:26 pm

        I will admit I’m up to my eye balls in wedding planning and it has been stressful, but for me it’s mostly about making my guests comfortable. We have guests traveling over 400 miles (most of the guests acutally). I’m doing everything I can to make them as comfortable as possible. Advance notice, a website with tons of info to ease travel, chairs, an abundance of seating…makes it easier on them.

        Skipping the bs (flowers, princess dresses, favors, sparklers) is a great idea, but skipping things that make youre guests more comfortable- not okay in my opinion.

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 3:30 pm

        But, see, not everyone has a wedding like yours. Not everyone has out-of-town guests. Not everyone has a wedding that’s longer than a few minutes and necessitates chairs. Not everyone even has a reception. Yes, for YOUR wedding, these things you mention probably make the guests more comfortable. But for people who have non-traditional weddings — like, on the subway or in the lobby of an art museum or in a public park, all examples that people mentioned today — some of these “must-haves” really, truly are not only unnecessary, they may not even be legal.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 3:42 pm

        My point is after finding the right person to marry your guests comfort should be #1. Your reception is a thank you to guests for being witness to your marraige. It’s not a party for you, it’s a party for them.

      • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 4:05 pm

        Ohhhh I’m having flashbacks – you were one of the people that told me I was selfish for having a destination wedding weren’t you?

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:08 pm

        Oh no. I”m having a semi destination wedding. It’s 400+ miles away for half of the guests. I think destination weddings are cool and would have had one if my family wasn’t HUGE.

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 3:45 pm

        My wedding photographer just posted her wedding photos online… They got married in a Redwood forest with about 30 people standing in a circle. It looked amazing.

      • Christy February 6, 2013, 6:58 pm

        Ooh who was it? I love Redwood forest weddings!

      • Bethany February 6, 2013, 9:57 pm

        She posted them on her personal fb page, not her website 🙁 they were amazing!

      • Lili February 6, 2013, 3:49 pm

        I love this Wendy! I mean, people should do what they want because they want to, enjoy the planning/creating aspect of it (and can afford it, but thats another issue entirely!) I can’t comment on the wedding stuff since I’m not at that stage, but comparing this to a birthday party, I can either have a Mtv style My Super sweet 16 extravaganza that I stress and cry and waste tons of $$ on, or I can do something more low key within my sanity and budget. Now would my guests LOVE mp3 players as invites with a guest performance by the backstreet boys and a super expensive meal. Um, YA! But would a party at my house with evites, grocery store snacks and a playlist be ‘wrong’– no. Not at all.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 3:57 pm

        But should people do what they want when it creates discomfort for their guests? Who have possible traveled and most likely bought you a gift?

      • Lili February 6, 2013, 4:01 pm

        Nothing Wendy wrote above creates discomfort for others.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:06 pm

        Not having chairs? Not potentially having enough seating? I’d be pretty uncomfortable. Not having enough notice to plan my vacation days and/or save up money if I need to travel? Pretty frutrating as a guest.

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 4:13 pm

        Obviously some people can’t stand for 20 minutes, but you can get around that by having some seating available for those who need it. I’d be happy to stand in a nice park for 20 minutes.

        And you can tell people when your wedding is going to be without sending out official save the date cards.

      • Lili February 6, 2013, 4:14 pm

        You can’t stand for 20 min? And I missed the part of the no notice. Also, all employers have a different rule about vacay days, a bride can’t be expected to know them all, maybe ask a few for the people she deems must attend worthy. She can hope for the best and when the invites are sent out for the rest, whatever method she chooses, emails, paper invites etc.

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 4:18 pm

        You really, really, really don’t have to send STDs to give people advance notice. You can email them, as we did.

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:22 pm

        We did an e-card from paperless post which looks as good or better than the real thing. Cost 16 bucks but came with a comment pace and the ability to track when people opened them. Even better, the same company provides all their ecards in paper form. So our real invitations, which will be sent by regular mail, will match the e-card (which doesn’t matter, I realize, but it’s fun). We set up a simple wedding site (for free) so we could do online RSVPs instead of mail-back cards.

      • Lili February 6, 2013, 4:26 pm

        Oh Wendy –a plain ole Email for something WEDDING RELATED ZOMG?! amirite?! Its not official wedding related unless its delivered by baby cupids playing the harp 😉

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:41 pm

        I would be annoyed if I was standing for 20 minutes, in heels, holding a gift. Yes. I would be annoyed.

        And I’m totally on board with e-mail STDs. I thought about doing them but we had a cool idea for a post card so we did that. Obviously you can’t accomodate everyone, but it’s nice to try and give people advance notice if you can. Especially if you were doing say a weekday event (which I think is a great idea) or a holiday weekend (like I am). I don’t understand why taking your guests comfort into consideration seems like a nuts idea.

      • Lili February 6, 2013, 4:47 pm

        @GG–Standing for 20+ min in heels holding something psh, I call that my AM bus commute 😉 Of course, I know thats not the standard for most events, just ones I’ve been to lately–like my company holiday party that was in a club, we all just stood around (or by the bar actually heehee). I’m not trying to debate you, just showing that guests don’t always have to sit for it to be polite and comfortable. But if you have enough seats, power to ya!

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:53 pm

        You know in reality every wedding I’ve been to has been 30+ minutes, some closer to an hour. So I’m sure that sways my opinion. Also, I’ve often experienced the bridal party running behind 15 or so minutes, which adds to the time. I totally understand the chairs or a website or a post card isn’t necessary, but it’s nice. And if you can do it (monetarily, etc) I think you should do it for sure! Don’t skip something to save yourself time/money/effort that will inconvience your guests in my opinion.

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 4:54 pm

        But GG, no one’s arguing with you that having chairs for your guests’ comfort is a good thing, we’re just saying it’s not mandatory to always have chairs in every situation.

      • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 5:43 pm

        GG if you were given notice that the wedding was to be standing you would be able to wear flats instead. Unless there is a rule you have to wear heels to weddings I am unaware of.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 6:14 pm

        @ele4phant Well, that sort of plays into what I’m saying. Make your guests the most comfortable you can. If you absolutely can not have chairs for your ceremony, let your guests know. Then they can plan their shoes accordingly. Guest comfort should be very high on the list.

      • Wendy February 6, 2013, 6:37 pm

        I respect that your guests’ comfort is top of your priority list. And I appreciate that you rate chairs as among the most important factor for a guests’ comfort, even for a 20-minute ceremony in a garden where there are plenty of benches for people to sit on during the minutes leading to the ceremony. And I understand that you think a wedding is for the guests and not for the bride and groom (I disagree with this, by the way). I guess what I don’t understand is that given all that, why you think asking half your guests to travel a long distance during a holiday weekend isn’t sacrificing their comfort and convenience, at least a little bit, for the sake of your own. I would happily travel a long distance on a holiday weekend for the wedding of someone I care about (I’m going to later this year, actually), just as I’m sure your guests will, but I would just as happily — actually, more happily — stand for a 20-minute ceremony.

        My point is, you can’t possibly accommodate every single guest AND be true to yourself and your own needs and wishes. You do your best. And you hope if there is a little discomfort — and, truly, standing for a few minutes is about as small of a discomfort as you can get — and inconvenience, that your loved ones will be gracious about it because they love you and the most important thing to them is being able to watch you get married. Even if they have to stand for a few minutes. Even if they have to travel during a holiday weekend. Even if there wasn’t a wedding website reminding them how you met the groom and where they could find a great chicken parm near their hotel.

      • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 6:54 pm


      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 9:00 pm

        Well, in regards to asking guests to travel- our families live in two different states, over 400 miles apart and we live evev father (PA, NC, and FL). So it was either one side (mine or his) travel and we travel, or everyone invited other than the two of us travel. We picked the first option that created more of an inconvience to us (planning and hosting an event over 900 miles from our house) but created less of an inconvience to more of the guests (about 40% of the guests are from out of town in reality). So, there wasn’t really a good option in regards to location.

        There is also a family dynamic that I think gets over looked a lot, and a cultural aspect that gets over looked. I’m marrying into a Southern family- there are certain expectations and things that “have” to be done. Asking my fiance’s famly to stand would be taken as very rude by 99% of them. Not blocking a hotel for his family that is traveling would be considered rude. Not having welcome bags at the hotel would be rude. Not inviting all out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner is not okay. Seriously, I’m not joking. Yes, they would be happy to travel the distance to watch us get married even if we committed all these snubs and they would still be happy we’re married, but is it worth it to me to snub people that are about to become my family just so things are a little easier on me? No.

      • wendykh February 8, 2013, 1:43 am

        As a GRITS again, I`ll say this shit is WAY more important to you than them. WAY more. Will they scoff if god forbid there are no welcome bags? Yes. And they`ll be over it in 10 minutes.

      • ele4phant February 6, 2013, 7:38 pm

        @GG did I miss where people said it was totally cool to tell guests nothing about the condition of the venue?

        Whether you invite people by post with an std, by email, by phone call, or carrier pigeon, it seems common courtesy to tell people basics about the event: when and where and basics about the surroundings so they can plan accordingly. And this doesn’t go for just weddings, but any get together you throw – no matter how grand or small.

        Seeing as you’re okay with a standing wedding so long as you have adequate notice (which I haven’t heard anyone suggest anything otherwise) what is left for you take issue with?

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 9:17 pm

        It’s not that I’m “taking issue” with the suggestions…I really think the over all point is awesome. Don’t fall into the cookie cutter the wedding industry feeds you! Awesome, I agree. I think most of this stuff is nuts. But if you are going to invite people to an event, as your guests, they need to be properly hosted. Would you invite people to your house for dinner and not have enough chairs? Ask them to pay for drinks? Not let them know you’ll be outside in April (when it might be chilly)? No. None of us would do that. We all would treat our guests in our homes better than that so why wouldn’t you treat a guest to your wedding, arguably the most important event you will ever host, better?

        I’m not advocating for princess dresses and 7 course meals, or even a traditional white dress and cupcakes. Just host your guests the right way, making them comfortable and aware of conditions such as no seating, outdoors, or not serving dinner. That’s all. Buck tradition- get married at the zoo in overalls and have hot dogs for your wedding meal. That sounds awesome. But let the people your hosting know what the heck to expect, in a timely manner and in a polite and easy to understand way. Goodness.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:11 pm

        Also, not being able to sit with my fiance or whom ever I came with at dinner because open seating left only 1 seat at each table would be pretty annoying.

      • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 4:09 pm

        Yeah I find it a little self involved that you actually think that skipping these things creates discomfort for your guests. I mean how did people ever attend a wedding without a wedding website?! Or a seating chart!

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:18 pm

        I mean a lot of them could be skipped. The website for example. An absolute must have? No. But a nice, free, easy thing to do? Yes. I mean I’m sure for your destination wedding you gave your guests a lot of info to make their travels easier. A contact person at the hotel, what airport is best, what the schedule of events was if you had any events leading up to the wedding.

        All I’m saying is take your guests into concern when making decisions. Don’t invite 100 people for dinner and only have 50 chairs. Let people know they will be standing in grass for an hour if you’re not having chairs for the ceremony (which I think you should). Do what you can, with in reason, to make your GUESTS comfortable. They are your guests after all, you invited them.

      • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 4:21 pm

        Actually I didn’t have any events leading up to the wedding. And yes I told them where the wedding would be. But that was about it. I think you should realize that you do all these things because YOU want to – but they really really are unnecessary.

      • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 4:19 pm

        But you’re saying that not sending out save the dates was a comfort for your guests and I’m sure even you can see how ridiculous that is. You liked doing it. Someone complimented you on it – but honestly they probably complimented you on it because they know you liked doing it. Not because it was some monumental help to them.

        Since everyone on DW can tell you really care about your wedding I can only imagine that everyone in your life knows how into wedding planning you are – so of course they’re going to compliment you on things. It means a lot to you and they care about you and want to be nice. But that doesn’t mean that the things you’re providing are for their benefit and not your own.

        That would be like if I said that when I lost weight for my wedding I was doing it for my guests comfort – because white never looks good on fat people. When really I did it for myself. You do these things because you want to. Not because you’re doing your guests a huge favor.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:59 pm

        I whole heartly beleive that letting my guests know about the location of my wedding 400+ miles from where many of them live, 6 months before my holiday weekend weeding was for their benefit. I agree I did not have to print and send a postcard, an e-mail or phone call would have sufficed, but I still think it was nice they got notified.

        We received a STD notice 6 months before a wedding we would have to travel 450 miles for about 6 months in advance and it was a life saver. We were able to budget for the travel expense, make a hotel reservation WAY in advance during a very busy weekend where all the towns hotels sold out 3 months in advace, and I was able to take time off of work. It was to MY benefit, not the couple getting married.

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 5:04 pm

        Knowing about the wedding was to your benefit, but you would have known about the wedding from an email just the same. I’ve never received a save the date card for a wedding, but I’ve always managed to plan for them.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 5:08 pm

        Right, like I said…an e-mail or phone call would have sufficed.

      • rachel February 6, 2013, 6:02 pm

        Ha, okay, fair enough, you did say that.

        I guess my point was, as you agree with, the “convenient for your guests” part is the actual knowledge of the date ahead of time. The addressing and mailing of actual, physical cards is something that you chose to do, and doesn’t have an effect on the comfort of your guests. It’s the actual physical save the date cards that everyone is saying are unnecessary. It’s nice that you did them, and I’m sure they looked great, but probably people wouldn’t have missed them.

      • wendykh February 8, 2013, 1:26 am

        I think you seriously over estimate the priss factor of your guests. I can find a hotel room and diner. Seriously.

  • Valerie February 6, 2013, 2:56 pm

    I love this list! I think the most important thing in planning a wedding is finding the things that are important to YOU and your spouse-to-be, and including those personal touches in your wedding. I’ve been to many “cookie-cutter” weddings where ALL THE THINGS were included because “they were supposed to be,” but none of it felt personal; I couldn’t see any of “the couple” in those weddings. I think when people try to include all the things mentioned above, everything gets kind of lost or glossed-over, instead of focusing on the touches that make the wedding unique.

    For example, with our wedding, we did do favors, but that’s because my husband and I love baseball and we wanted to commemorate that somehow, so we gave everyone their seating assignment (our venue required assigned seating, fortunately it was easy for us!) on a “baseball ticket” that I designed and we printed out ourselves in a popcorn box filled with Cracker Jack, candy, etc. And everyone took theirs home at the end of the night. We also didn’t do a “wedding cake” either. We got a $13 round cake to cut that we topped with some flower petals, and then we served guests delicious chocolate cake from one of our favorite Chicago-style hot dog places (Portillo’s anyone??). Instead of doing a traditional guest book, we knew that we wanted to put together a wedding scrapbook, so we made little cards for people to fill out with “wishes for the bride and groom” that they could then paste on scrapbook pages.

    Anyway, short version, do the things that are important to YOU, not what theknot.com says is importat for you to do! 🙂

    Reply Link
  • shanshantastic February 6, 2013, 3:01 pm

    I’m only disagreeing with the wedding planner bit because, well, I want to be one and there’s no sense shooting myself in the foot, right? That isn’t to say that everyone needs one, and honestly if you choose to forego most of the items on this list then the WP is wholly unnecessary too.

    Also, the smartest decision I made was to make my own bouquets, corsages, boutonnieres out of fake flowers from Pat Catan’s and Michaels. With coupons and VIP discounts, we had awesome arrangements for <$100, and it was great fun putting them together. My SIL even decided to do the same for her wedding (7 weeks after ours) when she saw how nice ours looked…and now we both have keepsakes from each special day. WWS about YouTube…just remember that floral tape is your friend and you can do anything (plus it gives you the flexibility to get exactly what you want, rather than settling for what's "in season")!

    I'll have to ask others about our cake – we missed out! Good thing it was free…

    Reply Link
    • Valerie February 6, 2013, 3:15 pm

      We made our own bouquets and boutonnieres also!! We ordered the flowers online from a website called fiftyflowers, and had them delivered to our door the day before the wedding. It was SO MUCH cheaper than having a florist do them (in fact, we did have a florist do two arrangements for the alter at the ceremony, and I think those two cost more than the flowers we ordered online to do 6 bouquets, 6 boutonnieres, plus the flowers that we put on the tables at the reception). My bridesmaids came over earlier in the day before the ceremony and we made our bouquets. We had a blast, and each bridesmaid’s bouquet was unique, which was really cool.

      Reply Link
  • Riefer February 6, 2013, 3:06 pm

    Wedding must-haves:
    Legal paperwork all in order
    Someone who is legally allowed to marry you
    Two people who want to get married

    Done! But seriously, I did have a bunch of the things above, and I enjoyed them. Especially the planner, because we would never have found our (amazing!) venue without her. But it’s up to each couple, and I’ve seen weddings without most of this stuff, and at the end of the day no one cares.

    Also, today’s my 3rd anniversary! 🙂

    Reply Link
    • bethany February 6, 2013, 3:23 pm

      Congrats!! Happy Anniversary.

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark February 6, 2013, 3:16 pm

    PS: Wait, no fancy dress, no wedding planners, no florists, or even make up artists? Say WHAT? C’mon! My people gotta eat!! 😉

    Reply Link
    • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:14 pm

      LOLOLOLOLOLOL! This post is getting funnier by the minute.

      Reply Link
    • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:34 pm

      Seriously, think about the economy. As fucked up as it may be as a reason to allow humans equal rights, one big plus/argument in favor of same sex marriage is based on money — a little sustained growth in the wedding industrial complex is good for the bottom line. If everyone cheaped out what would David Tutera do???

      Reply Link
  • Diana February 6, 2013, 3:36 pm

    I’d like to add that you also don’t need to diet. People will assume you are – constantly – but you don’t have to starve yourself just to get married!

    Reply Link
    • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 3:47 pm

      I totally starved myself and that was my favorite part of wedding planning. I weighed the littlest that day since high school. It felt great.

      Reply Link
      • Lucy February 6, 2013, 4:00 pm

        It seems like a lot of people lose weight just from the stress. I wasn’t dieting but the weight just fell off of me. My seamstress was pissed.

      • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 4:04 pm

        Mine was definitely on purpose but my seamstress was a biotch about it. I mean I was paying for the alterations so why did she care? At my last fitting I think 6 weeks before the wedding she told me I was allowed to lose at most 3 more pounds. Psh joke was on her.

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 4:10 pm

        I literally stopped eating the 2 weeks before my wedding, due to stress. (of the natural disaster that almost ruined everything). I have never understood when people would say they were too stressed out to eat until then. I’m sure I gained it all back at the rehearsal dinner and reception. The food at my wedding was amazing. 🙂

      • Foxxdye February 7, 2013, 3:12 am

        I can only *wish* i was a stress starver. Instead I eat my feelings.

  • iwannatalktosampson February 6, 2013, 3:45 pm

    I WIN!! I only had 5 of these. Booya. And it was the best wedding ever. I’m not even biased.

    Reply Link
    • MMcG February 6, 2013, 4:37 pm

      I got 13… the complex got me dammit… but I got rave reviews. RAVE I TELL YOU! Of course I think the full open bar influences things 😉

      Reply Link
      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 5:44 pm

        I have 14. Haha. Apparently I am in over my head in this wedding crap.

  • MMcG February 6, 2013, 3:57 pm

    While I am still in the recovery stages… less than 6 months past as I know some of you are aware since I tread much too closely to PTSD on most wedding topics these days 😉 I wanted to mention 2 things that I took away from on my wedding day. take it or leave it…

    1. Dessert. Didn’t do a cake, wasn’t about all the formal steps and potential/desire for smashing cake in face so I did a pastry bar instead (which is apparently known as a viennese dessert buffet – but I had no idea I could be so fancy, most wedding cake just sucked so I wanted something different). It was so much cheaper and delicious… mini cannolis, fruit tarts and cream puffs and chocolate yummys. Anyway – here’s my point. I did 2 different tastings, invested lots of time, loved my little bakery… and other than the 90 seconds where we took a picture next to the grooms cake — I NEVER ATE OR SAW ANY OF IT THE DAY OF. Neither did my mom. Seriously… she saw the spread in the pictures 2 months later and goes… “Oh Yeah I forgot all about the desserts!?! Those looked good, and the coffee and liquors… where were they at in the room?” There were so many moments like that. Amazing.

    2. Guest Book. Random, but I wanted to share that I did a photo album guest book that was sort of like a yearbook. I did it online, taking pics from me and my fiance’s families over the years going back in time (there was some effort in scanning, etc. but it was worth it) and I was lucky enough that I’ve known people for ages so they were in pics ranging from elementary school to my fiance’s fraternity brothers; we both had family pics with our parents as kids, great grandparents or other special folks that are no longer around, etc etc… so when people looked through it they could sign by their own picture or in the back, and it’s a great collection of memories and most guests seemed to really get a kick out of it. I’m a picture person so it was worth the effort… as with all things weddings try not to make to much of an effort unless it’s something you and your SO really want 😉

    I think weddings are what you make of them, and it can be really funny that the things that may have seemed SOOO important/overwhelming are nothing, and things you couldn’t plan for become your best memories. Great list Wendy!

    Reply Link
  • Lucy February 6, 2013, 3:57 pm

    I agree with everything except the cake, cause you can make a cake yourself. You can make it a month in advance, wrap it up real tight, freeze it, then thaw and frost it a couple days before. Take it out of the fridge 8 hours before serving and it will be perfect (unless it’s 95F out, in which case 4 hours). Ditto cupcakes if you’re still into that trend. Anyone can make a cake that’s at least as good as the dry, tasteless sheet cake most commercial bakeries crank out.

    Reply Link
  • Jess February 6, 2013, 3:58 pm

    Holy crap, you walk away for like 2 hours and a great post with a zillion comments appears. Sheesh!!!

    Wendy, I applaud with all ten fingers and all ten toes. YES to all of this.

    We are skipping out on many of the same things –or making little compromises.

    Dress: I got a $6,000 Melissa Sweet couture gown from 2011 for $1200. It was not a CHEAP dress but I got a dream gown for a budget price.

    Florist: I met in the middle. Having a small local florist do my bouquet, boutenairre, and 5 dozen loose flowers for the table tops (I found antique bud vases) for about $250.

    Bridal Party: Nope

    Favors: Nope

    Rehearsal: Nope

    Shower: I said no but my family insisted on hosting a small one. 20 close friends and relatives.

    Registry: We’re doing a very small one

    My burning question for you is PHOTOGRAPHY. Wendy, did you hire someone, use a friend, or collect snapshots that guests took?

    Reply Link
    • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:03 pm

      Jess, you’re the person with the Quaker fiance right? Have you decided about the ceremony, certificate etc?

      Reply Link
      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:19 pm

        Yes, that’s me! I commented on something you wrote above. Are we both from PA? I think so.

        I ended up ordering a hand painted certificate –one of my few splurges because my fiance felt strongly about having it framed on the wall for the rest of our lives 😉 We commissioned someone from http://www.calligraphica.com.

        Venue is set (outskits of Philly in a Colonial era “estate” –aka small stone house and stone barn). Ceremony and reception in the same spot, outdoors.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:34 pm

        Yes, I’m from PA but live in FL now.

        I totally agree with your fiance. It’s like a focal point/heart of a Quaker home, haha. I looked at that site before my aunt offered to do ours.

        Have you been to a Quaker wedding before? We’re concerned that most of my fiance’s family has never even heard of Quakers (they are from the Carolina’s) and are going to think it’s super weird!

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:46 pm

        I have the same concern! My family and friends are going to be confused about the lack of music and …um… an officiant! We plan to have my fiance’s brother get up and give a brief overview of the quaker traditions so they know what’s going on during the silence and the reflections period. We’re also putting it on our website and trying to get the word out in advance.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 5:05 pm

        If you’re doing programs you can stick a blip in there. Acutally that is the only reason we’re doing programs- to explain what the heck is going on. The website is a great place to get the word out…I wonder if I should add a blip.

        Also, my photog is Sara Bliss Photography if you need more options. She seems really nice (only talked on the phone) and is reasonably priced. Obviously I don’t know how the pictures will turn out since we’re still 4 months out but we’re thinking it will go well.

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 5:10 pm

        Thank you! I will check her out.

        I think I will probably do programs. Just DIY’d them on MS Word and will have them printed on card stock. And yeah, I wouldn’t bother except for the “Quaker confusion” –so to speak.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 5:27 pm

        I’m making ours too and probably printing them at home, maybe Vista Print if I find another Groupon.

    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 4:04 pm

      I hired someone. Check out the link I include in my intro to my article about how I threw a budget wedding in Manhattan. In it, I include an itemized list of all of our expenses.

      Reply Link
      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:15 pm

        Thanks Wendy! Hopefully a friend or family member is doing ours. We haven’t finalized it yet.

    • Jessibel5 February 6, 2013, 4:11 pm

      Jess, my wedding was very small, 12 guests, just immediate family. It was in my grandmother’s living room, and we had dinner at a nice restaurant afterwards. The only thing from Wendy’s list that we had was a registry and it was because my mom made me do it. No joke, I was going to go visit her for her birthday, and all of a sudden she’s inviting her friends to a bridal shower for me and bugged me about a registry until I made one. I put a toy light saber on there, amongst other odd things because I just didn’t know what to do, and we didn’t need anything. During the planning, however, the ONE THING I felt I needed to have was a photographer. Luckily, my brother had just graduated with a degree in photography so I gave him his first wedding to do. They’re not going to be perfectly professional, but I definitely wanted something to remember the day by. There was also no chance in hell I was doing engagement photos, so we saved money there.

      Not only that, but one day I spent 8 hours in the DMV trying to get my license changed. I made quite a few friends that day while waiting, and started chatting with a young woman who had gotten married two years earlier. She said that to cut costs they had their reception in a bar and just got everyone disposable cameras and had them be their photographers. She told me that that every single one of the photos all came out blurry and nothing was lit right. She said it was her biggest regret about the wedding, not having a photographer. I’d say if you have a friend who is decent, use them, but if you don’t, a photographer will be worth the price.

      Reply Link
      • kerrycontrary February 6, 2013, 4:19 pm

        yeh I heard the disposable camera thing is a horrible fad that failed a lot of people. Usually the children take the cameras and then run around wasting film. Plus the attendees may not realize that there weren’t professional pictures taken at some other point in the day, so they don’t take things seriously.

    • bethany February 6, 2013, 4:13 pm

      I know of a great Philly wedding photographer…


      He’s my husband 🙂 No pressure!

      Reply Link
      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:16 pm

        Holy crap! We need to have a side bar. As I said, we are possibly having a friend or cousin doing it but it’s not decided yet. I would like to have a professional option in my back pocket…

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 4:21 pm

        If it doesn’t work out with your friend, let me know! I might be able to get you a good deal 🙂

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:26 pm

        I love you!

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 4:48 pm

        I’m so mad I booked a photographer before FB stalking you and realising your husband was a photog.

      • bethany February 6, 2013, 4:58 pm

        Sorry 🙁 When you have kids, bring your baby up to your parent’s house and he can take some pics of it!

        I bet he’d give you a BIG discount, because he’s only done 3 newborn shoots, and those were all friends/family.

      • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 5:00 pm

        Um, yes!! That will happen. But lets not put the cart in front of the horse. Wedding first 😉

      • Jess February 6, 2013, 5:11 pm

        Ditto. My future baby and I will be there.

  • pinkjellyfishy February 6, 2013, 4:03 pm

    I love all of these suggestions (I’ll definitely be referring to this list for our wedding)! But if you are going to have a limited amount of seating at the ceremony, please take the location/time/weather into consideration first.

    I’ve been a bridesmaid in several indoor weddings, so I know that personally I can stand in one spot for 45+ minutes in heels without a problem. But the last wedding I went to, I went as a guest, and the ceremony took place outside in the local botanical gardens. On a hot summer’s eve. When I got there with my family, all of the chairs were taken (I think only 1/3 of the guests got to sit down, what?!) so we stood at the back with a crowd of other guests. The setting sun was at our backs (we provided perfect shade for those sitting down) and there was no breeze, so the heat was just TERRIBLE. The ceremony was less than 30 minutes – not including the waiting time for it to start – and it felt like a lifetime. I’m prone to getting very dizzy and faint (I wish I had known I would not be sitting, I would have brought a water bottle) and about 10 minutes in I was shaking, swaying on my feet, and seeing spots. I looked around at all of the unhappy women in their lovely dresses and heels, shifting from foot to foot, sweating profusely and looking downright miserable. I’m SO thankful my boyfriend-now-fiance was standing there with me – I tugged his arm and whispered to him to please, for the love of God, hold me up since I was so close to fainting. He put his arms around me and held me up for the rest of the ceremony. I didn’t want to bother anyone to relinquish their seat, since it felt like I’d be interrupting the ceremony and making a scene or something.

    As soon as people stood up and left their seats, he carried me to a chair and someone brought me some water. Definitely my least favorite ceremony to date, and I’ve been to many Catholic weddings!

    I’m sure that standing at a ceremony could work out just fine, but only in the right location with good weather. I live in Texas, so I feel like it’s very necessary to have chairs for everyone!

    Reply Link
    • kare February 6, 2013, 11:58 pm

      Ditto for chairs if it’s a Texas summer wedding. Unless your ceremony is literally 5 minutes.

      The shortest ceremony I’ve seen was really about 5 minutes…if that. My cousin in Florida got married on a boat that did a tour of the bay (harbor?). We didn’t sit but the weather was nice and it was over so quickly, then we went inside the boat and had seats and an awesome buffet waiting.

      Reply Link
  • TeacherNerd February 6, 2013, 4:10 pm

    Indeed. And there are so many wedding types that what one couple needs, another doesn’t.

    I went without an engagement shower and bridal shower and bachelorette party, mostly because I didn’t need or want one, but also partly because 3 of my bridesmaids were under 21 (two cousins and my now-husband’s goddaughter) – and we were scattered over 4 different states that didn’t even touch each other.

    I would say that in certain situations, a rehearsal dinner is helpful, especially if you’re married in an indoor religious ceremony. My husband and I are Catholic; Catholics get married in a church. Most of my wedding party wasn’t Catholic and didn’t know the timing of the ceremony. Helpful!

    I’ll also note that unless you’re still in the (dare I say small) percentage of people getting married whose families are all close by, having that dinner is a good way for people to mingle. My husband and I traveled 2,000 miles for our own wedding (“destination wedding” = Pennsylvania), and with the exception of my parents and 6 of our 80 or so guests, everyone came from hundreds or thousands of miles away (including the guests who came from Canada and Ireland). Again – helpful to have an occasion where we could all see each other for more than JUST the wedding.

    Assigned seating was helpful for us because there were folks (ahemin-laws) who simply would not have bothered to talk to anyone who wasn’t a friend of 40 years. I wanted them to get to know some of my family as well.

    My husband and I paid for the wedding ourselves. We had nothing we ourselves didn’t want. To us, it was important that we all spend TIME together, who cared what else? My husband wanted a lot of the tradition, and we could afford it, so who cares? It was a GREAT wedding – we had a lot of fun, and had folks tell us it was the best wedding they’d ever been to because it was simple. (For us, the religious aspect of the wedding is what’s important, nothing else.)

    Reply Link
  • KKZ February 6, 2013, 4:21 pm

    Gotta love all these humblebrags about low-budget weddings…

    Looking back, I started out with all sorts of idealistic “let’s have a funky nontraditional wedding” ideas. And I actually found it harder to plan that way, and easier to just follow the industry model. For example, I wanted a silver wedding dress because that’s one of my favorite colors and I look awesome in it, but I could not find one that said “bride” and not “prom queen.” (Or, “50th Anniversary Vow Renewal”) It was easier, though not cheaper, to just go to a boutique and pick out the traditional dress I liked most. It was easy to pick up a plain ol’ guestbook at the craft store when I got my invitations (which I bought at the craft store and had printed at Kinkos). My hair salon had an on-site makeup artist, and it was easy to have her do mine (sort of a little treat for myself – plus she had me lie down on a heated table which felt sooooo good).

    One thing I had to laugh at is that “alcohol” was NOT on this list. I have heard so many guests quip that “If there ain’t booze at the reception, I’m not going,” or did a little happy dance on finding out there would be an open bar. I’m no teetotaler or anything, but I am positively offended that anyone would decline an invitation to a reception if they knew there would be no alcohol. (I’ve even heard people upset over only being offered beer and wine!) It’s moments like that when I think the adult culture in America is wayyyyy too booze-oriented – there’s this assumption that everyone loves to drink, and a good time can only be had when there’s alcohol and is impossible without it. *Sigh* /rant

    Reply Link
    • rachel February 6, 2013, 4:33 pm

      I dunno about it being an American thing though. From what I know of most European cultures, it would probably be pretty weird to have a big party with no alcohol.

      The only dry weddings I’ve been to had the reception at the church itself, rather than a separate hall. I didn’t complain, though I sure as hell went out afterwards with some other guests 🙂

      Reply Link
      • katie February 6, 2013, 4:53 pm

        oh yea, in Slovakia, they put full bottles of vodka on the tables at weddings… my coworker has some awesome stories, lol

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 5:19 pm

        Well I know where I’m getting married!

      • KKZ February 6, 2013, 5:05 pm

        Fair enough – maybe “Western” would be more appropriate. It’s a mini-pet peeve of mine, though, to feel irked when I notice how much of being an adult with a social life revolves around alcohol. Not because I dislike alcohol, but I don’t think it deserves the place it has in culture. So it really rubs me the wrong way when I hear people bitch about what beverages their hosts are providing at the reception. Even in a joking way. There’s a defiant streak in me that wants to stop offering alcohol ever and see if people still want to hang out with me! LOL.

      • wendykh February 8, 2013, 1:35 am

        actually your dislike of it is more American than the insistance on it. To the rest of the world it’s as gauche as not serving water.

    • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:38 pm

      Hah I know how you feel. My first plan was to get married 5 months after we got engaged, in a barn, with bar-b-que, and no dress, and DIY everything. Yeah it was gonna rock.
      As it turns out, however, that is like the THING to do in Texas and my offbeat plans were surprisingly on-beat. Plus I realized there was no way I was going to plan a wedding like that for 250 people in that short of time while also working full time and maintaining my sanity. Especially since I don’t know anyone in this state and so had nowhere but the internet to turn for recommendations on everything.

      So I found a more all-inclusive and traditional place and picked a date 11 months away and that was that. It was way easier, and I still nearly lost my marbles.

      Reply Link
    • Jess February 6, 2013, 4:50 pm

      I DO agree that it’s much easier to go with the wedding system that against it. You are so right about that. But I also think there is something really empowering about saying NO when you can say no. It’s hard to personalize or go alternative on the items you decide to have (guest book, gown, etc), but it’s easiest enough just to say know.

      More and more people are opting for brunch or lunch weddings too, where alcohol is not served. My fiance and I DO like to drink so alcohol will be enjoyed at our wedding although I like to think our guests would come without it!

      Reply Link
    • GatorGirl February 6, 2013, 5:16 pm

      It is sometimes hard to go against tradition! We’re not having a cake, dances, bridal party, and a few other things and everyone is looking at us like we’re nuts! Our DJ is like what do you mean no dollar dance? No cake cutting? AH!!! His family thinks we’re a little nuts to not havea bridal party. Sometimes its just easier to go with the model.

      Reply Link
  • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:26 pm

    Hello, popping in fresh from my wedding which was Saturday (a weekend, ugh!) with some opinions…
    *Guest book: I saw this idea on a wedding blog where they had an outdoor theme-ish wedding and used a coffee table book of national parks pictures as their guest book. I thought that was awesome and went the next week to buy a space picture book (because my husband and I met at Johnson space center where we work). I got a photo history of NASA for $4 still in it’s original plastic wrap from Half Price books. Score and score. 1 guest book, 1 permanent marker, 3 glitter sharpies, 0 trouble.
    *Make up: Did my own. Went to Sephora where they taught me to do my makeup and sold me some good stuff (it’s a $50 minimum purchase, which is still cheaper than hiring a makeup artist, and then you get to keep the makeup!). Practiced a few times. Did it on Saturday morning. Went just fine.
    *Assigned seating: it’s true you don’t need it, but we did it and I was petrified it would suck but actually it wasn’t any stress at all. I printed every guest up in a label template on regular paper, cut out the scraps. Then I handed my family to my mom, his family to his mom, and all the friends to myself. Legit took 15 minutes and minimal stress.

    And then a final comment, I think that all wedding articles can make someone feel bad. If you are having a small/informal/non-traditional wedding then all those overblown, expensive weddings will make you feel like your wedding isn’t good enough. On the other hand we had a huge, expensive, Saturday night, traditional wedding and all these articles about things your wedding doesn’t *need* or why shabby chic is in or why your dress needn’t cost $3000 make me feel like I gave into the wedding industry and did it “their way.” It took me until maybe the day after my wedding to realize this: Screw everyone and what they think a wedding should be. Screw ’em if your wedding is too fancy or not fancy enough. Screw ’em if your wedding had too many chairs or too few. I think that is Wendy’s ultimate point, that your wedding just needs to be what you want, but sometimes that gets overwhelmed by the hurt feelings on all side of the issue.
    I planned the wedding we wanted and it was beautiful. I put it on a Saturday night because we had 120 people come from out of town and didn’t want to force them to take multiple days off. I put it in a venue that was expensive and beautiful and came with a coordinator because I didn’t want to do all the work. And I liked it.

    It wasn’t all traditional though… the venue had a TV screen for a slide show. But I was too lazy/busy to make a slide show, so instead I brought in the Battlestar Galactica miniseries DVD and played that on the screen. But I forgot about the Baltar/Six sex in the first 10 minutes and left quite a few people clutching their pearls. “Don’t worry,” I said to them, “She’s a killer robot from outer space, so it’s not sex. It’s really just like watching a guy and a very realistic sex toy.” I don’t think that helped. 🙂

    Reply Link
    • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:32 pm

      Oh and I had every one of these except the makeup artist and the bridal shower. And we had a DJ, not a band.

      Reply Link
      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 4:40 pm

        spaceysteph, are you friends with anyone on FB? if so, im friends with gatorgirl, AP, etc etc

      • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:54 pm

        I’m not. I tend to keep my fb to only people I know in real life. Weird, I know.

        But I did just post some wedding pics on my blog, if that’s what you’re after 🙂

      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 4:57 pm


      • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 5:01 pm

        Click my username, it’ll take you to my blog. 🙂 This was only slightly a shameless plug.

      • MaterialsGirl February 7, 2013, 9:16 am

        so your colors were eggplant with splashes of the bright green? i’m going that route too. Eggplant, silver and those bright green spider mums

      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 4:57 pm


        but i know AP in real life! and katie, too!

    • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 4:35 pm

      this is hilarious. spacesex! woot!

      also, i’m going for the “all inclusive, comes with a wedding day coordinator” venue too. It’s actually cheaper than doing it in Chicago (mines at a brewery in the ‘burbs) but man, i already know i’m thankful i don’t have to worry about setup!

      Reply Link
      • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:41 pm

        My coordinator comes up to me and is like “we’ve had some complaints about the movie…” and I’m like “why?” COMPLETELY FORGOT about the sex.
        But I told her to tell anyone with a problem to come talk to me directly. Very few people decided to risk the wrath of the bride.

      • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:52 pm

        Oh and on the matter of the inclusive venue, I don’t think it ends up all that much more expensive if you do want to piecemeal your traditional wedding from parts. Our venue included ceremony and reception site, tables and chairs, linens, invitations and programs, the coordinator, the catering, cake, bar, all gratuity included… I don’t actually think I could have done it all for cheaper AND I knew what it would all cost in advance so I knew how much budget was left for everything else (dress, flowers, bus for our guests, etc.). I think when you put the wedding together from all different vendors it adds stress and you wind up with many hidden costs you forgot to include.

      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 4:55 pm

        yeah ours has all that stuff too. who knew other places even charge EXTRA for cutting the cake? i mean, REALLY?

      • lets_be_honest February 6, 2013, 5:23 pm

        Someone I work with just talkked about this, but when I thought about it, it actually makes sense, to me at least. They are not just cutting it, but providing dishes and cleaning up those dishes and the table youre eating it on.

      • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 5:34 pm

        Yeah it does make sense- labor to cut+ plates/forks + service, but since its not normal to the rest of us not in the wedding industry if they aren’t up-front about it then it often winds up being a surprise hidden cost you might not have budgeted for that could cost a couple hundred dollars. That stuff adds up quick if there’s 3 or 4 of those things you didn’t think of!

        Weddings are full of stuff like that because no matter how many parties you throw, a wedding is horse of a different color.

      • lets_be_honest February 7, 2013, 9:32 am

        Whoa, it was that expensive?! That’s crazy. I spied on your pictures…just beautiful!

    • rachel February 6, 2013, 4:35 pm

      Congrats! Your wedding sounds pretty awesome 🙂

      Reply Link
    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 4:39 pm

      Congrats, Mrs. SpaceySteph!!

      Reply Link
      • SpaceySteph February 6, 2013, 4:42 pm


    • Lili February 6, 2013, 6:58 pm

      Side note– Hi Five for beauty self reliance. I think t aking the time to learn what you want to do and like is SO SO SO worth it. Also, semi off topic, but next on my list is learning DIY hair dos. I already do my own makeup (better than makeup counter people imho!) and can cut my own hair, I just can’t style it as well, but I’m learning!

      Reply Link
  • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 4:29 pm

    I went back home to minnesota and bought my dress minus sales tax 🙂 AND since i barely need alterations (and had to order it in extra length), I plan to resell it for 3/4 the original price. huzzah!

    i am paying a sh*t ton for a photographer, but shes amazing, and it’s something that is very important to me.
    she’s local, on her own, and offered us lots of beer while we chatted with her. Thumbs up in my book.
    I love crafting, so I’m having lots of fun with the save the dates (they’re super cool, guys.. it did LOVE in scrabble letters but put my ring in for the “O.” thanks to zazzle super coupons and papersource!)
    Wendy, did you take any classes on flower design? I think it would just be fun to do, even if I don’t end up doing it for my wedding.

    Reply Link
    • Taylor February 6, 2013, 5:08 pm

      How do you sell a wedding dress? I want to sell mine. It’s gorgeous, and I loved it, but I won’t wear it again, and it’s the kind of dress that I think would make another busty bride very happy.

      Reply Link
      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 5:27 pm

        tradesy.com! or preownedweddingdresses.com

      • MaterialsGirl February 6, 2013, 5:27 pm


        or a few other sites!

    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 7:45 pm

      I was a floral designer for a couple of years, so no classes needed.

      Reply Link
    • bittergaymark February 7, 2013, 2:26 am

      Where in Minnesota? I hail from Fargo, ND and we have a house in Minnesota… Love summers there.

      Reply Link
      • MaterialsGirl February 7, 2013, 9:19 am

        Well, i grew up in Minneapolis (linden hills) until my parents thrust me into the suburbs of Plymouth (shudder) when I was 16. We would spend a few weeks of summer up in hackensack near woman lake

        One of my brother’s goes to school in Fargo at NDSU. My other brother’s girlfriend is from mandan outside bismark

  • Sarah Brown February 6, 2013, 4:36 pm

    You know I love this.

    Reply Link
    • Wendy February 6, 2013, 4:40 pm


      Reply Link
  • Brad February 6, 2013, 4:56 pm

    I haven’t read any of the comments, but I just wanted to say that I’m a guy and I definitely approve of this message. It’s just more pragmatic these days and in my humble opinion it makes a lot more sense to allocate money into the marriage (say a down payment on a house) rather than a one-time party.

    Reply Link
  • Riefer February 6, 2013, 5:06 pm

    Did anyone see this? This woman planned out her whole wedding 10 years before ever meeting the man she eventually married.


    Reply Link
  • EmJay February 6, 2013, 5:09 pm

    My fiance and I have been calling each husband and wife for awhile now. But we are really excited about our upcoming wedding. We are going the traditional wedding reception route. It is way too expensive on Long Island to have it at a hall. So we decided to have a laid back backyard wedding. And we are really happy about it. The ceremony will be in a church with my one ( of 4) sisters as my MOH and he will have just a best man. My whole family is on board for it because it meshes better with our personalities. We are gonna have it catered under a tent. And I am looking foward to dancing under the stars with my hubby. But instead of costing us between $30,000 and $40,000 it will be costing between $5,000 to $8,000. My lil nefews are going to be in the wedding. We are going to keep it simple and alot of DIY stuff since we love to make alot of our own things. We are gonna use flowers from the garden for bouquets and it will be a beach themed wedding. I am looking for a dress that foows feom the church to the party and I think I found it already. And we are going to ditch alot of unnecessary things like the dance floor and rented china and collect summery peices from thrift stores and endof season bargins. If anyone has some ideas to throw my way I would really appreciate it. I will keep checking this post through out tonight. 🙂

    Reply Link
  • Jess February 6, 2013, 5:24 pm

    P.S. I keep looking at the photo and want say how I love that the flowers matched your hair color (more or less). So pretty.

    Reply Link
  • MELH February 6, 2013, 7:10 pm

    Alternative to the makeup artist- a makeup lesson! I got a gift certificate in an auction (I think retail price was a little over $100) to have a makeup lesson. It was really cool because it was more like teamwork in getting the right wedding day look. And if I hated what she did I could just ignore it and do my own thing! We used mostly my own makeup, with some suggestions for purchases. I learned so much in general about doing makeup and I got a great, very me, wedding day look, which I then recreated by myself on the wedding day. And I still use the tips I learned to do my makeup now!

    Reply Link
    • mf February 6, 2013, 9:05 pm

      This is exactly what I did for my wedding makeup! I loved that I actually got to learn how to do it myself, because now I can re-create the look for special event. Plus my wedding makeup ended up looking really awesome. I was pretty proud that I did it myself (with a little help).

      Reply Link
  • ChemE February 6, 2013, 7:39 pm

    I have to say, depending on what you expect, you can get away with a lot less. We got married in my parents living room, with one day notice (and maybe not to redneck/hillbilly myself too much, I lived in a trailer park). We got our marriage license, arranged the officiant, and notified our parents on Tuesday so we could get married on Wednesday. Even bought our rings same day we got married.
    It worked for us, not saying it’d work for everyone, but for us it was cheap and easy. Were our parents happy about it? Not really, right along with the rest of the families. But everyone knew we were going to get married, so we figure why wait? And I am a control freak, so planning a wedding would probably have been a nightmare. Not to mention where we would have gotten money to do it. I was in college with barely a part-time job and he only had his small military pay. And I wasn’t about to ask our parents for money.
    Actually, when we got engaged (we were engaged for about a year), I don’t even think we discussed the when – other than wait until I graduated. When we decided to do it, we did it so fast that even we didn’t have time to fret over anything.

    And in my family, big, expensive all-out wedding = divorce; small, intimate, maybe-even-eloped = nice long, still going strong marriage.

    Reply Link
    • iseeshiny February 6, 2013, 7:50 pm

      We went to the courthouse (also on a Wednesday!) and afterwards had dinner at a nice restaurant with immediate family and our two best friends. If you’re married at the end of the day, I really don’t think the other stuff is all that important.

      Reply Link
  • Practical Bride-to-be aka LW2 February 6, 2013, 9:12 pm

    Thanks so much for this, Wendy!

    Your original answer was beyond helpful (and same for the commenters) and this will be an additional help! A lot of these things are things that my fiance and I were a little on the fence about. 🙂

    Reply Link
  • Foxxdye February 7, 2013, 3:19 am

    C’mon, let’s put the blame where it’s due…. Pinterest.

    Half an hour on there and I’m racing for the craft store in an ill-fated attempt to make “super-easy hand-spun crackle glaze pottery cocktail hour dishes” or “simple 5-step bridesmaid hairpieces from old umbrellas” or “quick gluten-free Atkins wedding cake with homemade fondant” or some shit. And I’m not even getting married.

    Reply Link
    • Foxxdye February 7, 2013, 3:32 am

      Actually, expanding on this thought, a lot of this wedding excess is because for many women, especially homey/homemaker-y types, a wedding functions as a coming-out party for their skills as a hostess. One could call it showing off, but you can look at it much more positively too. For several of these girls I’ve known, it’s just been the most extravagant (or first) instance of them engineering friendly, delicious and memorable social occasions. Lord knows, in my current life state, I wouldn’t host a twee dinner party for all the tea in China, so I appreciate it when others sign up for the job. I can just bring my bottle of wine, eat hearty and gratefully, and compliment them on the _______ and ______ afterwards. Everyone wins.

      Reply Link
  • Sue Jones February 7, 2013, 1:01 pm

    We got married in my living room with only 3 other people there. Today is my 16th wedding anniversary!

    Reply Link
  • Boosker February 7, 2013, 5:04 pm

    Um, excuse me? Looking like a Dolly Parton drag queen would be a freaking honor. Okay, maybe not looking like a drag queen, but definitely looking like Dolly Parton. Okay, maybe not 2013 Dolly Parton, but definitely 1960’s Dolly Parton. Hell, I’d take 1980’s Best Little Whorehouse Dolly Parton. Can you tell I’m a brunette?

    Reply Link
  • Megan_A_Mess February 10, 2013, 2:17 pm

    So I’m late to this party, but I just wanted to say WWS times infinity. The BF and I have been talking about getting married this summer, and it’s going to be as simple and as cut and dry as it can be. That way, when people bitch about the fact they weren’t invited, we can tell them no one else was either, and then can sit and stew for as long as they’d like, then be happy for us and send a cute card or e-mail.

    There are essentially three things that we really want (outside of our moms and brothers to be there, and of course the ultimate goal, to be married.) One, great pictures, two, awesome food, and three, (for me) flowers. I don’t know why I want them, but I do, and I figured even though our wedding will be “offbeat” I can let myself have this one thing. Plus, it’ll be cheap, since there only needs to be three boutineers, two corsages, and one small bouquet. And if we have the time, we might even make them out of paper, and really save some money.

    No invitations, no reservations, no fittings, no cake tasting, no bridal party drama, no wedding shower, no traveling families. No muss, no fuss. Our reasoning is threefold. One, I’m a student, and he’s recovering from surgery (from an accident) and we’re still going through the court proceedings. AKA: we’re both kind of broke. I’m working, but he’s still on medical leave. He potentially has the money (if he wins) to pay for a huge party, but we both agreed, it’s not what we want, and we would both rather put that money into a down payment on a house, a honeymoon, paying our student loans, etc, etc. Two, we have family all over. MI, IN, TX, AZ, FL, CO, Puerto Rico. We know they can’t afford to travel, and we certainly can’t afford to help them out. This way, too, the money we save on not having a lot of those other things, we can put into getting some really kick ass picture books to send out. Three, we want to get married on our anniversary, and this year it falls on a Tuesday. Yes, that’s right, we want to get married in the (almost) middle of the week, and we figured it would be inconvenient for most people. (Our brothers would have to take the day off work, but we figured it would be for a good enough reason, and if we got married in the early afternoon, they would only need to take a half day off.) Plus we’re planning on sending out a casual invitation (probably via FB and e-mail) that on Friday night, we’ll at such-n-such’s local bar patio, and if you want to stop by, buy us a drink and look at our pictures, please do.

    I used to work for a catering company, and was engaged once before, and I hated, HATED, the idea of sitting in some stuffy/shabby/worn out hall for most of my day. We were going to have the traditional church wedding, reception, DJ, cake, blah, blah, blah, and I wanted NONE of it. But it’s just not for me. I have seen some truly beautiful tradition weddings, and that’s great! If that’s what you want, go for it! It’s just not for me.

    Reply Link
  • GatorGirl May 16, 2013, 7:23 pm

    Shout out on the DW front page…I’ve made it to the big times!

    Reply Link
  • Ines Dibona September 3, 2021, 9:51 am

    thanks for sharing!

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment