Last month, I shared a list of things that will (probably) happen to you in your 30s. In a continuing effort to preserve my memory and to add to the record I have of my (distant-ish) youth, I bring you 21 things that will (probably) happen to you in your 20s (the decade of decadence and despair!).
1. If you’re single, you will date someone who will tell you he or she isn’t ready to get serious yet because he or she was recently hurt and isn’t ready to risk another broken heart.
2. In fact, by the time you’re 25, roughly 80% of the people you know will have “been through some stuff” and will “need space” to “get their head together.”
3. Which is basically code for: “I spent a year in a relationship and then I got hurt, so now I want to party my ass off and sleep with whomever I want!”
4. You will regret something you posted on Facebook and feel foolish that anyone saw it before you had the good sense to delete it.
5. If it was a picture of yourself in a swimsuit, you will be in big company.
6. You will, at some point (and probably more than once), Google: “How much should I spend on a wedding gift?”
7. If you are a straight woman, you will, at some point (and probably more than once), Google: “Am I pregnant?”
8. You will, at some point, get into a passionate argument on the internet with a complete stranger.
9. You will, at some point (and probably more than once), Google: “I hate my job.”
10. Because you will, at some point, hate your job.
11. You will probably hate several jobs. (And so will many, if not most, of your friends).
12. So you’ll think about going to grad school (and maybe you even will) or joining the Peace Corps or spending a year working on your preferred candidate’s presidential campaign.
13. I mean, anything is better than working at your stupid job with those stupid people who don’t even come close to understanding your brilliance and aptitude. And your potential!
14. … if only you knew where, exactly, your potential lay.
15. You’ll get your first student loan bill and be like, “Oh, shit.”
16. And then you’ll re-remember your idea about grad school, because you don’t have to pay back your loans while you’re in grad school, right?
17. Plus, you can get more loans! Also: Spring Break!
18. But, God, school is so … tedious! All those papers you have to write! Maybe you could just start your own freelance business doing something you’re good at, like… social media! That’s a career right? Like, social media consultant?
19. So you make a website and some business cards and start a new Twitter Account and and, BOOM!, you’re in business! (This is going to be awesome).
20. And this new focus in your life will totally help heal the broken heart you’re still nursing and will really get your head space in order so, when you’re ready for a relationship again, you’ll be the kind of partner you want to attract!
21. You’ll start going to 30th birthday parties — one after another after another — where the refrain is always, “We’re getting so old! Can you believe how old we are? OMG, 30! But, I am so ready to say good-bye to my 20s. I heard your 30s are awesome!” And they are. For the most part.