I honestly don’t really care that much that he watches porn — he’s a guy. He’s probably been doing that since he learned how to masturbate. What makes me anxious and worried about it is that he watches it while he is supposed to be “be here with me,” lies to me about the “stuff’ on the floor, and the fact that he watches it on MY computer and isn’t even really being that discrete about it since it is still on my history. I’m not sure as to how I should bring this up to him, or if I even should. I wouldn’t mind watching it with him, I mean it seems kind of exciting and adventurous to get ideas, etc. What do I do? Should I approach him about it, and how do I do that? — Disturbed about His Porn Habit
Yes, you should approach him about it! It would be one thing if you happened to be using his computer and noticed he had some porn sites in his browser history. But, not only is this your computer we’re talking about — a computer he just can’t help himself from surfing porn on the second you walk out the door — he’s leaving freakin’ wet spots on your floor for you to discover when you come home from class. Not okay!! Not okay at all!! I mean, this isn’t even about the porn issue, really. This is about common effin’ courtesy. One does not masturbate all over someone else’s floor (without permission, I suppose; I mean whatever floats a couple’s boat) unless one was raised in a barn. By donkeys.
So, yes, you should definitely approach your boyfriend if only to say that you don’t care what he does in the privacy of his own home or on his own computer. You don’t even have an issue with him looking at porn, though you’d feel better about it if he included you sometimes and didn’t feel the need to look at it the second you left him alone like it’s crucial to his survival like air or water or something. No, what you have a real problem with is that he disrespects you by using your computer while you’re away and cums all over your floor like a barnyard animal. And you can say it just like that. There’s no reason to sugar-coat this. What he’s doing is nasty at worst and incredibly disrespectful at best. You don’t need to spare his feelings here. You can bet he sure as shit wasn’t thinking about your feelings when he was, uh, in the middle of things.
So, just tell him. Tell him you checked your browser history, found all these porn sites, put two and two together and realized what the wet spot on your floor must have been and that you are not okay with this equation. Tell him that it’s not the porn you have a problem with per se, but the “when” and “where” of him watching it and the fact that he’s making a mess all over your stuff. Tell him you won’t tolerate that kind of behavior in your home and if he can’t go 48 hours without surfing porn, you’d be more than happy to watch it with him – that you even welcome the idea, actually — but that you’re also concerned with what it says about your relationship that you aren’t enough for him for one weekend. And then listen to what he says. He’s he overly defensive? Does he continue lying about his actions? Is he hostile? Does he try to avert blame? If so, think long and hard about whether you want to continue seeing this guy who not only disrespects you and your personal space/possessions, but can’t man up to his indiscretions when confronted. And, God forbid, he continues behaving like an uncultured animal, this would definitely be a situation in which you should MOA.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].
TheOtherMe May 16, 2011, 8:19 am
I had no idea that barn animals made wet spots of the floor !
Seriously, LW, just talk to him. If this is your first relationship, I’m guessing that he is just inexperienced with how to handle and/or bring up the subject of his porn habits with you. I agree with Wendy that he needs to be more respectful towards you.
Wendy, welcome back !!! We missed you. Hope you had a wonderful time and that you are not too exhausted from the trip. We tried to behave during your absence. .. well except for spaceboy but all & all things went well 🙂
Elle May 16, 2011, 8:22 am
Jetlag Wendy :).
I agree with Wendy, up to a point. I think she was a little harsh on the guy. But still right.
I think it’s nice the LW doesn’t have an issue with porn. The bf didn’t want to say what really happened because many women equate watching porn with cheating, and he didn’t know which camp the LW would be in. I hope things will get better once it’s all out in the open.
Thyme May 17, 2011, 2:34 pm
I think he didn’t want to say what happened because he was embarassed about getting it on her floor! I assumed that the wet spot was from the carpet cleaner he used to clean it up, but Wendy seems to be assuming he just left it. That would be really rude and gross.
christina May 16, 2011, 8:28 am
whoah whoah whoah. a bit harsh!! the only problem i have here is that he left a wet spot on her floor. i think he was embarrassed and probably lied about it bc he felt caught, and who cares! at least that is how i feel. id appreciate some common courtesy of cleaning up one’s mess, but who can’t say they sometimes wake up and feel in the mood. if your lover isnt there, what is wrong with a solo sesh? it doesnt seem that she isnt “enough for him” in 48 hours, it seems like he woke up horny with his gf at class, so he figured he would rub one out. the fact that he didnt clear the history speaks something of him; he isnt hiding it, he probably just felt nervous and put on the spot about, well, the wet spot. if he hasnt been caught lying before, and doesnt seem shifty, then i’d just let it slide! i’d even go as far as to joke about it, but hey, thats just my opinion.
christina May 16, 2011, 2:34 pm
oh AND!!! maybe it really was a spilled water spot! you dont know if you dont ask- and from my experiences, asking/talking about things openly is the only way to do it.
Spark May 16, 2011, 6:52 pm
Yeah, I really don’t think it was semen. It just doesn’t add up.
ReginaRey May 16, 2011, 8:28 am
While there’s clearly no excuse for lying to you and leaving a disgusting mess for you to find, I do believe there could be an explanation for the lying. You say this is your first boyfriend and you’re in college, which makes me pretty certain you’re both quite young. I don’t know if you two are 100% sexually active with each other or not, but a word to the wise about young dudes – their stamina just isn’t that good. It can take guys a long time to learn how to control themselves when they’re gettin’ naked, and porn is one way that they can “prep,” if you will, to help them out later. There’s a good chance that the reason he bounced out of bed the second you left is because he wanted to be ready for any sexy times with YOU that the day possibly had in store.
That said…he still shouldn’t have lied and he should have been way more thorough in cleaning his mess. I think the most likely scenario is that he lied because he was embarrassed…he wouldn’t be the first guy to want to make you believe he was naturally gifted, as it were. He also could have lied because he thought you would take issue with porn – not all women are as understanding as you seem to be about that. But Wendy’s right – his reaction to your confrontation will be the most telling. If he’s overly defensive and hostile, you may have something more going on.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 9:50 am
aka. The Warning Shot
If you’re only seeing this guy on weekends, he is left with the following tree of decisions:
1. Cheat on you
2. Be awful in bed
3. Warning shot
All things considered, I wouldn’t call Option #3 the worst. Having that said, it wouldn’t kill the guy to find a paper towel and exercise some common courtesy. I wouldn’t call this a huge deal unless some other things start going wrong. Hell, I’ve been living with my wife for three years and even she accepts the vailidity of a Saturday morning warning shot if we’ve barely seen each other on Monday-through-Friday thanks to crazy work schedules and plan to get our bang on that night.
ReginaRey May 16, 2011, 9:53 am
Hahaha! “Get our bang on.” I love your habitual use of the word “bang.” I use it often in real-life. Also, thanks for your male input and defining the Warning Shot for us…I didn’t know it had a name haha.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 10:03 am
It usually goes like this:
Spacewife761: I have to go, uh… run some errands.
Spaceboy761: OK. I guess I’ll, um… start the laundry.
Spacewife761: [awkardly backs towards door] Yeah…
Spaceoby761: [awkardly slinks down on couch] Yeah…
Meanwhile, I can’t wait to feel like a total asshole when the LW writes back and says “I also caught him jerking off to porn on his Blackberry during my great aunt’s 80th birthday luncheon and I’m pretty sure he’s addicted to porn.”
Painted_lady May 16, 2011, 6:30 pm
I cannot imagine spacewife. I don’t mean that as an insult, I just literally have no picture of her in my head.
Also, I’m totally calling painted_dude and telling him about the term “warning shot.” He’ll love it – we’re LDR till December and therefore I’ve always assumed there were warning shots before he or I roll into town. Now I’m going to make it a point of asking him.
PFG-SCR May 16, 2011, 10:00 am
LMAO at “Warning Shot”. I can understand this if your partner isn’t home, but I wouldn’t want my partner to think they had to get off a “Warning Shot” instead of “banging it out” with me. Yes, I get that they don’t want to fire too soon, but a quickie in the morning and a full session at night…that’s never a bad thing.
Desiree May 16, 2011, 10:51 am
That’s kind of my thing. I don’t mind participating in the “warning shot.”
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 11:28 am
This is what places you in the skinny, far right part of the bell curve of sexual awesomeness and other women in the other part.
Elle May 16, 2011, 11:55 am
I would have thought that the distribution is bimodal. The right bump definitely smaller than the left bump (according to how you define sexual awesomeness), but, you know, two bumps. Nerd outburst completed.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 12:12 pm
Holy shit. Girls talking about the proper application of distribution assumptions is like the hottest thing I have ever imagined! I have never been so turned on in my entire life.
If you had built an argument for why a multivariate Cauchy distribution is the right way to go, I would be left with no choice other than to gratify myself in my cubicle right now.
X = -1; Y = .5; Gamma = my heart
callmehobo May 16, 2011, 12:20 pm
Just remember to clean up thoroughly afterwards; we do not want a DW letter about you, Spaceboy.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 1:16 pm
I work for a cleaning service contracted by a major insurance company in New York. Some sick fuck keeps jerking off on the floor and steam cleaning the same cubicle four times a week is really starting to bother me. So my FWB going to propose before July?
TheOtherMe May 16, 2011, 1:21 pm
P R I C E L E S S ! ! !
Painted_lady May 16, 2011, 6:32 pm
Yeah, I mean, I don’t have a problem with the warning shot. I just never want him to think it’s obligatory. Hell, I’m more of a “can I help you with that?” kind of girl.
Britannia May 16, 2011, 9:33 am
I agree with you, Regina, 150%.
ReginaRey May 16, 2011, 9:46 am
Thanks, Brtiannia. I know that this isn’t true for every guy out there, of course. I don’t mean to overgeneralize things. But from my own personal experience and experiences of both male and female friends, I know this might be one likely explanation!
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 9:51 am
If by ‘likely’, you mean ‘85% to 95% chance’, then yes.
Amber May 16, 2011, 3:57 pm
He was likely just embarrassed. And as I said before, if it’s a clear spot then he DID clean it up, but the carpet just didn’t try in time. No use beating him over the head about it.
Maybe a playful jab is in order, but definitely no need for a “confrontation”.
I would really only see this being an issue if it happened again.
PFG-SCR May 16, 2011, 8:46 am
I don’t think this is that big of a deal – assuming the wet spot was his ejaculate, he was clearly embarrassed. And if it wasn’t, he was being honest. I don’t think the LW needs to take his porn viewing as a sign of “not being enough” for him, unless there are other signs in the sexual side of the relationship that would also indicate that.
If you really don’t mind his porn viewing, I don’t know why you’d care that he watches it on your computer if you’re not home. I can understand you not wanting him to put wet spots on your floor, but I would assume that he generally has a better idea of when he is going to erupt because it’s likely he’s masturbated at your place before in the two years that you’ve been dating, but you’ve not mentioned that you’ve found random wet spots previously.
I would talk to him, but I think you need to decide if you truly are okay with his porn watching. You say you are, but then the other things you say (thinking you’re not enough, not wanting him to watch on your computer, etc.) are likely to be interpreted by him as you having an issue with it.
Spark May 16, 2011, 6:54 pm
I agree. It seems to me like porn is indeed a huge deal to this LW–otherwise, she wouldn’t be writing to Wendy about it. If I noticed that my boyfriend looked at porn while I was away, I wouldn’t think anything of it at all.
Wendy May 16, 2011, 8:47 am
How hard is it to have a paper towel handy? What a slob. Definitely not OK. I would dump the slob if it happened again.
TheOtherMe May 16, 2011, 9:56 am
At least he didn’t use her teddy bear !
Remember “that” guy ??
BoomChakaLaka May 16, 2011, 12:35 pm
OMG, what guy?
TheOtherMe May 16, 2011, 1:19 pm
It was a comment on TF where a guy was upset that his girlfriend asked him to pay for the dry cleaning of her teddy bear after he had, uh, cleaned himself up with it …
sarolabelle May 16, 2011, 11:49 am
Budjer May 16, 2011, 8:50 am
dammit…cats out of the bag….stop telling our secrets!
*should be a reply to reginarey’s comment*
ReginaRey May 16, 2011, 8:55 am
Haha! Sorry Budjer 🙂 I’ve had two different boyfriends guilty-as-charged on this!
ArtsyGirl May 16, 2011, 9:08 am
Now I am a little creeped out by the mess on the floor (ewww) I wonder if the LW’s BF was not so cautious about his porn viewing habits in the hope that he will be ‘discovered’ and it would open up a dialogue. I mean if this is their first major relationship it might not be easy for him to look at the LW and say “hey want to share some sexy movie time to get us in the mood.”
LW speak to your BF and tell him that you are A) very aware that he watches porn since it is a pretty common aspect of adult life B) you are open to adding porn viewing to your sexy time rotation and C) if he feels the urge when you are not available to make sure he cleans everything up – has this boy never heard about kleenex/socks?
Desiree May 16, 2011, 9:40 am
Yeah, I could see this as his way of bringing up the subject of porn. Admittedly, it isn’t the classiest way to do that, but he sounds young and inexperienced. And even more mature men sometimes try to enter a discussion through a window instead of the front door.
christina May 16, 2011, 2:36 pm
i can’t imagine this as being a way to bring up porn. if he wanted to do that maybe he would be more obvious and leave porn open on the computer. i honestly can’t even imagine myself thinking that the wet spot and ejaculate correlated.
Desiree May 16, 2011, 4:14 pm
Not that. I was referring to him leaving the porn for her to see on the computer.
WatersEdge May 16, 2011, 9:36 am
I don’t think this is that big of a deal. Here’s what I think happened:
1) He woke up with morning wood and you left for class
2) He pulled up some porn on your computer, which is probably what he does on his own computer to jerk off
3) He either A) didn’t think to get something before he finished, or B) a little bit got out of control and he didn’t see it
4) He lied about it because he was embarrassed and/or didn’t want to offend you.
Guys jerk off, even when they have girlfriends. A lot of guys jerk off most mornings. It’s nothing to take personally. I really don’t see the big deal in all this.
If you want to watch porn with him, then you should NOT come in guns blazing about what a disgusting barnyard animal he’s being for cuming on your floor (sorry Wendy, but I just disagree). If you do that you will make him feel ashamed. He probably already feels ashamed or why would he lie about it in the first place? I would tell him you found the porn on your history and that you’d be open to watching it with him, then either ask him not to watch porn alone in your room if that’s what you want or designate a towel for him to use in your absence and ask him to be more careful. But I’m just a practical girl like that.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 10:14 am
A guy’s perspective here…
I don’t think that the LW offering to watch porn with him is a good idea because the whole purpose of porn here is the sexual release without the performance anxiety. Having his girlfriend in the room would kind of be self-defeating and probably really awkward. At that point, they might have well just have sex. If they want to watch porn simply because it’s hot and they like it, that’s another story.
Alternatively, offering a standard procedure for spooge clean-up is a good idea. The “I don’t care if you watch porn, just don’t leave cum on floor” is 100% understandable to all non-pigs. If he can’t at least agree to that, that’s pretty disgusting and might be an MOA just on general principle.
WatersEdge May 16, 2011, 11:15 am
I didn’t mean to imply that she should watch porn with him while he jerks off. 1) ew and 2) how boring!
I meant if she is open to incorporating porn into their sexual repertoire (as in, having it on and then having sex) then she shouldn’t make it a huge deal that he was watching it alone. Wendy made it seem like the LW has every right to be disgusted and that she should be open about how she simply won’t tolerate the cum on the floor (which I assume was an accident). I think if she goes in guns blazing he’ll just hide the porn better from her and they’ll never watch it together.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 11:32 am
Absolutely. If she puts him on the defensive right away, this is going to end badly. If she goes in there with an “I want to do what works the best for me, you, and your wang” attitude, much progress can be made.
MellaJade May 16, 2011, 9:36 am
Whoa Wendy! Girl, welcome back and I love you but this response felt a tad on the harsh side?
Do we know for sure that the wet spot on the floor was ejaculate? Did the LW get down on her hands and knees to inspect said spot with her CSI biological testing gear? I think that’s a big assumption on LW’s part and assumptions are not fact.
Should LW bring up that he’s grooving on porn using her laptop and not deleting his browser history? Absolutely. Should the boyfriend be castrated for relieving boredom by exercising with Rosie Palmer and her 5 friends? I’m thinking not so much…
bagge72 May 16, 2011, 9:38 am
Wow who’s to say that the mess on the floor is even his cum, that seems like a pretty far reach to me, especially since he has probably done this many times before since it is all over your browser history. I mean just because he watched porn there, and did the deed doesn’t mean that he got it all over the place. Most guys in that situation are pretty accurate with where they shoot it. Maybe he had a glass of water on the floor that he kicked over in the act. If he isn’t deleting the browser history I would say he either isn’t trying to hide it, and wants to get caught to see your reaction, or he just doesn’t know anything about computers. If the porn on the computer bothers you definitely talk to him about it, and definitely let him know that you wouldn’t mind watching it together, I probably would let the wet spot go though, and just take his word for it instead of calling him a liar, because you have no proof. Also another reason he could be doing it is so he can last longer when he is with you. So just try to take everything into account before you tear him a new one, and tell him he is behaving like a barnyard animal, because you don’t have all the facts, especially if him watching porn doesn’t reall bother you.
silver_dragon_girl May 16, 2011, 9:38 am
Porn doesn’t bother me. Masturbation doesn’t bother me. But it would really bother me if my bf started helping himself out RIGHT after I left in the morning. Not to mention if that involved clogging up my computer with porn. That’s just inconsiderate. You should ASK before you download shit onto someone else’s computer.
Maybe if he did this one day during the visit, but is it every day? That would weird me out…
Is this affecting your sex life? If not, I suppose it could be less of a problem. I know it would affect mine, however, so maybe that’s why it bothers me more.
Desiree May 16, 2011, 9:44 am
That is kind of the make-it-or-break-it thing for me and porn: it can negatively affect the performance of some men. If porn interferes with me having a fulfilling sexual experience with my mate, then that becomes a real issue.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 9:57 am
FWIW, most studies overwhelmingly show that watching porn helps men’s sexual performance and leads to better sex lives for everybody involved. It’s one of those tools we created to bridge the gap between our biology and our society.
silver_dragon_girl May 16, 2011, 10:26 am
Possibly, but it depends on the guy. If all you’re trying to do is last longer, fine, but that is the opposite of what my bf needs, so…
Desiree May 16, 2011, 10:30 am
That has been the gist of a lot of research: that basically guys can’t find release with their gfs/wives in normal sexual situations. Which is pretty darn awful.
VioletLover May 16, 2011, 1:08 pm
Not necessarily awful, I think. It really depends on the situation. Lasting longer is definitely not something my guy needs to work on, just the opposite actually. He usually lasts so long that we literally have to stop bumpin’ uglies because a) I’m exhausted (happy, but exhausted) or b) I’m starting to hurt (I’ve got some health concerns that strenuous activity can aggravate and cause serious pain).
So whenever I’m not up for a session of sexing, he uses porn. I’m totally fine with that, in fact I’m THRILLED that he’s okay with using porn to help fulfill what I physically cannot do. Our sex life is still great, but sometimes he just needs a little extra, which is fine by me.
Used correctly, porn can be a serious plus for couples.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 10:41 am
You would have a legitmate complaint.
silver_dragon_girl May 16, 2011, 10:55 am
There I go, oversharing again…! But yes.
However, I doubt the LW’s bf has that particular problem, so back to business…
christina May 16, 2011, 2:39 pm
these people are in college. i doubt porn would affect their sex life.
GertietheDino May 16, 2011, 9:58 am
C’mon guys, it’s just masturbation! Just because he is “there to be with her” he can’t have a little personal time? Most guys do it when they get up, it’s habit and just because he is visiting his GF, doesn’t mean he needs to break his cycle. He can certainly be “there for her” when she gets back from class.
TJ May 16, 2011, 10:13 am
“you and me baby/aint nothing but mammals”
LTC039 May 16, 2011, 11:00 am
“so let’s do it like they do on the discovery channel…” lol
LTC039 May 16, 2011, 10:13 am
I have to admit…The first time I discovered my bf watched porn, I was a little upset. Only because I’ve grown up pretty sheltered, & to me, the thought of him getting turned on by another woman (even if she wasn’t physically there) made me feel pretty bad. But then I realized, I rather him do that then go out & cheat. So I’m ok with it, he only watches it when we haven’t seen each other for 3-4 days…W/e no big deal.
I think what would bother me the most if I was the LW, as Wendy stated, was the disrespect & the fact the he had to do it RIGHT after she left…I’m pretty sure if they’re sleeping in the same bed, something’s going on… The LW should def. investigate this further. I’m not saying I’m 100% sure this is the case, but there are men that are seriously addicted to porn, just as alcohol, drugs, etc… I def. think you should talk to him about it, as everyone has suggested, but def. observe him. Good luck
Desiree May 16, 2011, 10:48 am
I understand where you are coming from on the porn thing. I still haven’t quite made peace with porn; I may never. I don’t judge people who like it, but like you I was very sheltered growing up, and some that just doesn’t wear off. But, I am also pretty pragmatic. So while I don’t like the idea of porn very much, I realize that I can’t fully understand a guy’s needs. My bf and I kind of have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I don’t think he minds very much, as I am definitely not conservative in the other aspects of intimate life.
LTC039 May 16, 2011, 11:00 am
Yeah, same here. We don’t really talk about it, but I know it’s there. Honestly, I’ve been easing up on the idea…but another thing, I can’t imagine going to a strip club with him. A lot of couples enjoy it, but I really don’t think I could handle another woman grinding up on him with me there. He says they usually dance on the girls if the girl is there, but idk…I don’t think I’ll ever come around to that idea. I wouldn’t mind going separately…because I’m not there seeing it. Is that weird? lol
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 11:42 am
The strippers will gravitate towards the girls nearly all of the time. My guess is that their jobs are as monotonous and boring as mine and everybody else’s, and their thought process is, “Hey, this is anything different! Woo hoo!”
PFG-SCR May 16, 2011, 11:52 am
That, or they figure the boyfriends/husbands will give bigger tips (no pun intended) at watching the stripper with their significant other.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 12:03 pm
PFG-SCR May 16, 2011, 12:04 pm
Let’s face it, spaceboy, you guys aren’t too complicated. 😉
LTC039 May 16, 2011, 1:31 pm
I get you. But since I am not a stripper, I don’t see it that way…however yes, I’ve heard they tend to go for the women…Idk, I have yet to be put in that position but perhaps one day I will…
HmC May 16, 2011, 2:52 pm
Honestly, I think the masses of girls that claim to be A ok with their guys going to strip clubs and getting *lap dances* strike me as kind of brain washed. Call me an old fashioned prude, but you guys do realize that lap dances are not *dancing* right? They can be full on second/third base. And for my significant other, that is absolutely not ok, whether I’m there to see it or not. Watch all the porn you want, but body grinding and penis grazing with a strange girl, whether she is being paid or not, will never be ok with me.
Desiree May 16, 2011, 4:19 pm
Thank you for saying that. I have always found it a little odd that many guys expect me to consider this okay. Maybe it is just my evolutionary biology kicking in, but I am not down for my guy getting a lap dance.
HmC May 16, 2011, 4:55 pm
No guy I have ever been in a long term relationship with disagreed with me in regards to whether him getting a lap dance was appropriate. One bf was even more conservative than me about it. People can do whatever they want in their own relationships, but I think this comes down to pretty fundamental values that one ought to have in common with a significant other.
MellaJade May 16, 2011, 3:45 pm
I went to a strip club with my husband and another couple once. It was ok when we were together and I guess he enjoyed watching me get a lap dance from one of the girls. However, when it was his turn for a lap dance, I became extremely territorial and could not watch. That part really bothered me so I went back to the bar and waited for it to finish. When we got home that night, I used that energy to ‘put my mark on him’ in such a way that we both still talk about it with admiration. I would say one has to be very comfortable and feel safe/secure in their relationship to be able to go to a strip club together.
LTC039 May 16, 2011, 7:32 pm
Yeah…You’re brave…Idk what I would’ve done. I know it’s “their job” but that doesn’t mean we have to be ok watching a random girl rub herself on our s/o’s…no no, not for me…
SpyGlassez May 17, 2011, 3:50 am
I was pretty open with my BF from the beginning that I didn’t mind if he watched porn. We were a LDR for the first 7-8 months (close enough to see each other at least every weekend, but still not “local”). Also, I was completely inexperienced and wanted to take things slowly, so I told him that I didn’t care at all. I have never seen him with it, though he has admitted he did watch it. However, I told him that I would NOT countenance him going to a strip club, especially if he didn’t tell me beforehand. That, to me, is MUCH more in line with cheating.
Painted_lady May 16, 2011, 10:17 am
While it is a little icky (okay, a lot icky), I can’t imagine the “I was rubbin’ one out and came on your floor and didn’t do a good job at cleaning up” conversation is one the average college freshman (I’m guessing) knows how to have, much less voluntarily has. He was probably horny when he woke up (most young or young-ish guys are) and/or was worried about his staying power when you got back. I had an ex who, if he finished too fast, would joke that he knew he should have jerked off earlier in the day. He was 28 at the time. That sort of thing – usually – improves with age.
So give him the benefit of the doubt, LW. He’s awkward and young and dumb, and if you like him and want to keep him around, being specific about what wasn’t okay (the wet spot, the lying, the porn-surfing sans permission) and not making him feel nasty or dirty about it is only going to improve your communication in the future and make him feel comfortable in telling you uncomfortable stuff.
But I’d make him shampoo that spot on your carpet.
Christina May 16, 2011, 10:27 am
Getting it on the floor? Very gross. I wouldn’t want to come home to that either. I understand why the LW is upset that he went to the porn site on her computer right after she left and left it in the history too. I think Wendy is right to bring it up with him and tell him what was upsetting about the discovery. I bought a pc from a 22yr old male neighbor who was moving once. He said he took a bunch of “stuff” off of it but I might still run into some of it. It took me weeks to stop all the porn pop-ups and site suggestions. (They don’t always go or stay gone when you get rid of them.) We laughed about it but I wouldn’t like it if it started because my boyfriend was on my computer while I was at school.
niki May 16, 2011, 10:57 am
I think the LW actually is bothered by the porn, though she claims she’s not. The wet spot is gross, no doubt. And she has every right to say to her boyfriend that he needs to clean up after himself from now on. However, she doesn’t like that he’s viewing porn on her computer. If she said that she was concerned with viruses then I would understand, but her problem is that he’s viewing it right after she leaves. Clearly she is not as open-minded about porn as she claims to be. The LW needs to dig deep and see what her real issue is. Why is it disrespectful that he views it right after she leaves? Why does it matter when he views it? She doesn’t need to offer to watch it with him. If the problem is porn she needs to be upfront, tell him what she found, and explain that she doesn’t like it. He will probably lie to her and tell her that he’ll stop. Or, she can sit back and realize that it could be a heck of lot worse. That she’s unlikely to find a guy in his late teens/early twenties who doesn’t watch porn, and accept that he’s still the same guy she knew before she found out about the porn. Oh, and of course get the guy some hankies and make sure your computer has a solid anti-virus program.
sarita_f May 16, 2011, 11:07 am
I’m in agreement with the rest who think this response was a tad harsh. I”d probably just bring it up to tease him mercilessly about it, but that’s my personal style. There would be usage of “air quotes” when referring to the spot where he “spilled something.” Maybe gift him with a box of tissues and some lotion or something. And joking about how he MUST have been just warming up for the evening activities.
Even if you chose to just let it slide, though – girl, go with your desire to watch porn with your guy!! IT”S HOTTTTT!!!! Just pull a move on him, bring something up on your computer or rent a dvd or something. Blow his mind a bit, and have so much fun experimenting. I didn’t realize how good I had it with my first two boyfriends, particularly the second. He was a virgin when we got together but man, we were both totally open to a lot of stuff and had an absolute blast. Ah, to be 20 again..If you guys are both around traditional college age, then he’s at his sexual peak, so wring him for all he’s worth.
Heather Feather May 16, 2011, 10:08 am
In college, I had a boyf that was addicted to porn. He couldn’t go a whole day without watching it. He ended up having a porn sesh on his computer at work and getting fired from his job. I had no idea until he had to tell me about getting fired and then admitting his porn habit. He talked to a therapist and was trying to overcome it, and I would still catch him watching it.
Each couple has to create their own boundaries. This was something I wasn’t ok with. I stayed with him for 6 months while he tried to work on it, but when I saw no effort to stop watching porn, I moved on.
You need to get a grasp on how often this is going on, and decide if you can be in a relationship with someone who engages in that.
Bottom line: you deserve respect, even if you are ok with him watching porn.
convexed May 16, 2011, 11:43 am
I think it’s not the porn itself, or even the cum on the floor, but the disregard of the LW by leaving such an obvious trail. Speaking generally, many women know and are totally okay with their guys using porn in the off-hours to fulfill their own needs. For some women, that’s sexy and they like to think about it, for others, it’s like pooping:
Everybody poops, not a problem, but I’d rather avoid an explicit confrontation with your pooping habits. (And of course, some people are really into no-privacy pooping, so pardon the limits of this analogy).
I do not think leaving masturbation trails is exactly equivalent to taking a shit with the door open, but I think the underlying offense (oversharing?) is somewhat related. By not taking care to preserve his own privacy (deleting history or bringing his OWN laptop, paper towelling), the bf made it really difficult for the LW, who is generally okay with porn, to maintain the compartmentalization of the porn from their relationship. His porn trail invaded her coping space. Here it is, asserting itself into their time, so now, when she gets home ready to ‘get her bang on’, she has to think about her groggy boyfriend, bad-breathed and hunched moaning over a computer monitor, sloppily shooting his morning load all over her fucking floor. It’s just not a huge turn on.
Personally, I’m okay with porn, and it’s cool to look together, but I don’t like to mentally imagine a boyfriend whacking off to it, and what scenes he goes back to, and what kind of girls do it for him, etc, and picturing what he types in to the search bar…It’s too much information and it kills the allure.
redessa May 16, 2011, 11:53 am
Who’s to say he didn’t clean up and the carpet was just still a little damp? I mean, yes, it would be best if he hadn’t done it on the floor in the first place but we don’t know if that’s really what the spot on the floor was in the first place. And if it was, are we supposed to think he just left it there and didn’t even wipe up after himself? Let’s give the poor guy a little credit here.
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 12:01 pm
He probably had a little accident, tried to clean it up, realized that a dry cloth wasn’t doing the trick, wet a paper towel or something to clean it up properly, and the floor wasn’t done air-drying yet (especially if we’re talking about the commercial carpeting in most dorms which sucks anyway).
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 12:02 pm
Because I have no idea exactly how that goes…
Amber May 16, 2011, 11:54 am
If its just a wet spot, how does anyone even know what it is? And erm, it’s not exactly a clear substance, so if it was that and it was just a wet spot remaining (water?), then he DID clean it up.
I really don’t think this is a big deal.
SGMcG May 16, 2011, 1:13 pm
I realize that this is a huge assumption on my part LW, but your guy may have been watching the porn so that he CAN be there for you as planned. Maybe the boyfriend had performance anxiety issues and tried to masturbate one out in the morning so that he could last for her pleasure in the evening? Although I agree with Wendy about approaching your boyfriend about the subject, I would do so rationally – without the barnyard animal comparisons. Talk about what happened and make a special emphasis about cleaning up afterwards – especially browser history and where the scrub brush is.
Quakergirl May 16, 2011, 1:39 pm
Let’s give this guy a little credit about the wet spot. If he actually aimed for the floor and then left it there with no effort at clean up, then he definitely qualifies for barnyard animal status. But if that’s the case, it should be fairly obvious once the wet spot dries. I mean, dried cum is fairly easy to detect…just ask Monica Lewinsky. But if it dries clear/clean, then he either cleaned it up successfully or it really was a spill. In either of those cases, can you seriously be angry with him? Accidents happen (either of the masturbatory or beverage related type), but at least he cleaned up after himself.
Regarding the porn situation, you have every right to feel how you feel about it. If it bothers you that he watches it alone while you two are visiting because it makes you feel inadequate, then by all means tell him that. He probably doesn’t see it that way or mean it that way, but if that’s how you feel he should at least be able to respect that and you two should be able to make a compromise. But don’t jump down his throat about it– you’ll probably end up making him feel ashamed and embarrassed, which will most definitely kill your sex life. Look at this as a good way to log some quality communication time. Odds are, you’ll improve your sex life and your relationship on the whole when you both realize that you can be honest with each other about this sort of thing and work out compromises that make you both happy.
convexed May 16, 2011, 7:49 pm
Hurray! Monica Lewinsky reference!
A good reminder in these troubled times before we get too nostalgic that bad masturbation/cum stain etiquette has always been with us.
HmC May 16, 2011, 2:05 pm
When I first saw this headline I was all ready to advise the LW that lying about pretty much anything, in a relationship, is not okay. But, it’s not like the boyfriend here is actively telling the LW that he never watches porn. So he’s not really “lying about watching porn”, unless you genuinely think a guy must explicitly tell his girlfriend about every time he chokes the chicken to porn. I don’t think that type of confession is really necessary in a relationship.
LW seems to know that basically all guys watch porn and doesn’t have a problem with that. As far as lying about the stain- that seems a pretty innocuous white lie to me. I mean, can you imagine how embarrassing that would be, if you accidentally got some love fluid on the floor, your girlfriend asked you about it, and you felt compelled to reply “oh yes I was whacking off and got so excited that some of my ejaculate spilled to the floor, my bad!”
As far as the LW being put off by the boyfriend masturbating on her computer when he is supposed to “be here with me”… I don’t know. But I’m personally not too intimidated by guys watching porn, so this situation wouldn’t bother me much unless it was over the top and cutting into our relationship time or negatively impacting our sex life (or messing up my computer with viruses or something).
spaceboy761 May 16, 2011, 2:19 pm
LMAO at “My bad!”. That is classic.
Teresa May 16, 2011, 7:17 pm
We have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy……the issue only ever came up because his computer broke (viruses) so he decided to use my computer for his extracurricular activites (while I was at my mom’s one weekend)….and my computer got a virus – along with all of the pop ups when I went to check my e-mail. I figured out why after looking at my browser history. The rule I laid down is “not on My computer” – he can do what he wants with his computer, after he gets it fixed, but stay the hell away from MY computer. I don’t look at porn, not comfortable with it in any way (was one of those “sheltered” girls when it come to this stuff) and don’t want those damn pop ups and bull shit on MY computer.
leilani May 17, 2011, 10:54 am
I would just say, “Hey. Don’t look at porn on my computer, I could get a virus.” If that stopped it, I would just let the issue rest. If it didn’t, it would be time for a more serious discussion.
Manders May 21, 2011, 12:06 pm
This is NOT okay … my boyfriend is actually courteous enough to clear the history on HIS computer for when I am on it at his house when he’s busy. And he keeps his masturbation habits completely personal unless I ask, as it should be.
Though no guy is perfect (and most DO look at porn and masturbate), there are still etiquette and personal boundaries that come with such territory.