The reasons that he doesn’t want anymore children are that raising a kid all over again from birth is hard on him and he is not confident of his health. (He is 41 years old). Also, he is financially unstable right now, and he worries that he cannot afford to have another child, which is understandable. I told him that I cannot agree on his proposal and so we broke up, but I am so lonely living alone. We have been texting every day, and I miss him so much. But I cannot make my mind up for giving up my child.
There are two options: 1) become a couple again and give up a child, because one rarely meets a perfect match; 2) just leave the relationship as is and go find another man.
But before I give into him if the choice is #1, I want to know what his heart is. I am afraid that he might change his mind again and say that he will never marry me. I asked that question over and over again, but he says that he wants to marry me ONLY IF everything goes alright.
I am so afraid of giving myself to him again, fearing that we might not end up marrying and I will end up being a lonely old woman.
Your advice/comment/anything would be greatly appreciated. — Childless and Now Single
It sounds like what you want from this guy is not only a guarantee that he will marry you — that he will fulfill THAT promise when you feel he has broken another — but also a guarantee that you will be happy enough with him that you won’t regret sacrificing having your own child. He can’t promise you that. And, frankly, he can’t even promise you that he will marry you eventually. Anything could happen. He could, in fact, change his mind before you make it to the altar. He may decide that fear of your resentment is too much and he can’t live with that. Conversely, YOU could change your mind. You might agree to marry him and then decide you simply aren’t willing to give up the dream of having your own child after all.
People change their minds. It’s a risk we’re all aware of when we fall in love and pursue relationships. We know that, at any point, the other person could decide he or she is done. What keeps us going is the hope — and most importantly the TRUST–that it won’t. And, obviously, the reward has to be worth the risk of pain. Is it for you? Is being with this man, despite knowing he does not want another child, worth the potential of a broken heart? And is the risk of ending up alone worth the opportunity of finding a partner who will want a child with you? Is the desire for a child so great that you’re willing to have one alone if you still haven’t found someone to co-parent with you in the next year or two (keeping in mind that you are already 39 and your chances of conceiving easily will diminish quickly in the next couple of years)?
These are questions only you can answer. And time is ticking, as you know. If you feel in your heart that you can’t really trust this man or that he’s not worth sacrificing a dream of motherhood for, I think you need to decide quickly and move on. But if this love is worth some risk, you owe it to yourself to see where it will go. No relationship is risk-free. If that’s what you’re looking for, you’ll spend the rest of your life searching.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.