Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Afternoon Quickie: “I Think He Cheated On Me in My Own Bed”

I just came back from a vacation in Singapore and was very sad about something I discovered upon my return. When I entered my apartment, I saw that it was quite a mess with glasses all over and the cushions all out of place. I knew that my boyfriend, who has keys to my place, had some of his friends over for those crazy video games, which honestly I didn’t mind at all. What really bothered me was when I got to my bedroom and noticed that it was in a bit of dissaray and that there were some hairs on the floor.

I immediately made an inspection on the bed and saw that there are some strands of long hair in the pillow and in the bed sheet. I know those are not my hair for the following reasons:

1. I have short hair.
2. Before I left my place, I had cleaned it thoroughly.

I immediately phoned him and asked if there was a girl who came to my apartment – which he denied. He got upset with me, saying that I have judged him in this regard. I wanted to believe him, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am right to think that he did bring a girl into my place and had sex with her.

I don’t know what to do. Should I insist on what I feel is the truth? Should I break up with him? — Short-Haired Girl

It says a lot about your relationship and your obvious trust issues that, upon finding long hair in your bed, you immediately jumped to the conclusion that your boyfriend had sex with another girl while you were away. I mean, maybe he did. But, maybe one of his friends he had over for crazy video games had sex with someone in your bed. Or, maybe he never had friends over for crazy video games and instead gave your keys to someone else to have a sex-fueled weekend getaway with a long-lost lovah visiting from out of town. Still, whether he cheated on you or not, the fact that you THINK he did is enough reason to end this relationship, not to mention how rude he was to leave your place in disarray while you were away.


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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.

28 comments… add one
  • Stephanie October 16, 2014, 3:26 pm

    Perhaps your boyfriend’s friends had girls over and they borrowed the bed for their intimate moments together? Maybe your boyfriend is totally innocent here, save for not telling his friend that boinking in your bed is really not a mannerly thing to do. I mean, if your boyfriend is bringing guy friends over for crazy video game nights, then this isn’t too far reaching for explanation, right?

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  • Astronomer October 16, 2014, 3:31 pm

    I don’t understand why your boyfriend needs to use your apartment while you’re away. Does he always sponge off you like this? If he doesn’t have his own place to play video games, that’s reason enough to break up with him.

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  • Kate October 16, 2014, 3:41 pm

    Ok, if there were long hairs in your bed, then I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that someone with long hair was in your bed. And probably female. And your boyfriend is denying that any girls were in your apartment. It sounds kind of sketch to me. And do you have reason to think that your boyfriend might do something like that? A gut feeling, or even more?

    I would probably revisit the conversation and mention that your place was in quite a bit of disarray, which you don’t appreciate, having cleaned it thoroughly before you left. And that part of the mess you noticed, as you mentioned previously, is that there were long, female hairs in your bed, upon which you had just placed clean sheets. I think if you stay calm and reasonable but keep questioning him, you may get somewhere. I think I’ve told the story on here before of my long-distance boyfriend who I went to visit once and there were earrings on his nightstand. He lied at first that he didn’t know, then that they were his sister’s, and then finally said they were some girl’s who he met in a bar. Which probably wasn’t even the truth, he probably full-on had another girlfriend, but fine.

    That said, if he’s leaving your place a mess while you’re away, AND you don’t trust him, to the point that you assume he cheated on you, maybe he’s just not the guy for you.

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    • RedroverRedrover October 16, 2014, 4:04 pm

      I sometimes find long brown hairs in my house (I’m blonde). I don’t jump to the conclusion that my husband is cheating on me. I assume that one of us picked it up at work or on the subway and that we tracked it into the house. I agree that the fact that you jump right to the idea that he was cheating on you is telling. You might as well break up with him if you don’t trust him.

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  • Addie Pray October 16, 2014, 3:52 pm

    I agree with Kate. Obviously someone was in your bed and probably a female and … ick, I wouldn’t like my boyfriend having a bunch of people over to my place and trashing it. And sleeping in my bed. That’s reason enough to be mad at him.
    As an aside, I am constantly shedding hair. No guy could have me over with hair left in my trail. I also probably couldn’t commit a crime for that same reason. So if I ever commit a crime, someone remind me I need to wear a hair net.

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    • Addie Pray October 16, 2014, 3:53 pm

      *withOUT hair left in my trail

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      • Kate October 16, 2014, 3:56 pm

        And the thing is, if you find yourself looking around for hairs, you already know you don’t trust the guy. I totally used to look on that long-distance dude’s bathroom floor for hairs. I never did that with boyfriends I trusted. I DIDN’T trust that guy, and then I was proved correct when I saw those earrings sitting there. The earrings were not exactly a bolt from the blue.

  • freckles October 16, 2014, 4:11 pm

    I would find this highly suspicious, because it was in your bed. If they were just in the kitchen or on the couch or on the floor somewhere, I would say it’s definitely a possibility that it got tracked in somewhere. I shed like crazy and my hair gets EVERYWHERE. My BIL lived with us one summer and he was constantly finding my hair in all his clothes, just from sharing the dryer. But yeah the fact that these hairs are in your bed is a big red flag for me. Plus, like everyone else said, the fact that he denied that a girl was in your apartment, that’s obviously a lie. And finally, like people also said above, the fact that he left your place a mess is beyond rude. I dunno, all that, combined with the fact that you obviously don’t trust him? I’d MOA.

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  • TaraMonster October 16, 2014, 3:33 pm

    I hope you ripped him a new one for leaving your place a mess. If I came home from vacation to find my home a mess I would be BEYOND pissed, especially since you cleaned it before you left. I always clean before I leave because coming home to a mess makes me crazy.
    The hair thing is weird. Did you put it in a little plastic baggie? Because this letter read like the opening scene of a Law and Order SVU episode. Maybe he’s cheating on you, maybe he’s not. Maybe he and his friends accidentally killed a stripper like in that movie Very Bad Things, but they left the hairs behind for Mariska Hargatay to find and actually it wasn’t a stripper, but your boyfriend’s long lost twin sister who he met for the first time while you were out of town. You should pitch that episode to L&W. I’d watch it. Just saying.

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    • jlyfsh October 16, 2014, 3:54 pm

      Oh gosh I would totally watch that episode too 😉

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    • Casey October 16, 2014, 4:36 pm

      Ha, I was totally going to make a snarky comment about saving the hair for DNA purposes! I love SVU!

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    • Portia October 16, 2014, 4:45 pm

      I’d totally watch that episode. Especially if BD Wong comes back for a special appearance.

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      • othy October 16, 2014, 8:54 pm

        BD Wong is the best!

      • Cleopatra Jones October 17, 2014, 10:20 am

        But if Dr. Huang gets to come back then Elliot has to come back as well. As much as I loved SVU, I stopped watching it after he left.
        I felt like without Elliot, Olivia just wasn’t that great of a character. I’m not sure if it was Mariska or the writing for Olivia that seemed flat after his departure.

      • Portia October 17, 2014, 10:33 am

        I don’t know, I had a stronger reaction to Munch leaving… I do agree that the show’s not as strong now, but I think that has more to do with the major overhaul of the cast that’s been going on for some time and not just Elliot. The only new character I really like is the new ADA, though he doesn’t hold a candle to some of the past ADA’s.

  • Kate B. October 16, 2014, 5:03 pm

    OK, finding the hair would be suspicious, but before I accused my boyfriend, I’d ask him if one of his friends had someone in the bed. And I would let him know that was not okay with me. BUT, I would be absolutely furious with my boyfriend for leaving my place in such a mess. That alone would make me dump him. Seriously. If you respect a person, you respect their space and their things. MOA right now.

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    • ktfran October 16, 2014, 5:08 pm

      Yes, this.
      Plus, at all stages in my life, I’ve been friends with at least one dude who has long hair. Why isn’t anyone even considering the scenario where everyone got drunk and one of the friends passed out in the bed….
      I mean, it’s unlikely, but you never know?

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      • camille905 October 17, 2014, 8:07 pm

        I was wondering that too! I’ve had tons of guy friends with long hair.

  • fast eddie October 16, 2014, 4:19 pm

    Change to locks and never trust him with a key again. If he’s good in bed keep him around as sex toy but this guy is NOT a keeper.

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  • FIreStar October 16, 2014, 5:36 pm

    He got upset with you because you were judging him? Sounds like the best defensive is a good offense. You didn’t ask him if he slept with someone else – you asked if there were girls in the apartment. And strands (plural) of long hair seem to be more than an innocent third party transfer..in your bed. If your instincts say cheating and the evidence supports it – then that is enough. So many women want the video of the guy cheating or a colour picture – and how many people ever get that level of proof? What is reasonable? What is likely? Channel a little Dr. Theodore Woodward – the hooves you hear are horses not zebras.

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    • Lily in NYC October 16, 2014, 5:49 pm

      Yeah, I have to say this seems fishy. If he let a friend hook up there, he probably would have admitted it to cover his own butt. The fact that he immediately turned it around to put you on the defensive speaks volumes. I guess it’s possble he somehow tracked long hair into the apartment, but on the pillow? C’mon now. It it looks like a duck…etc..

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  • j2 October 16, 2014, 5:45 pm

    I asked five of my go-to guys.

    Their vote tally: 5 – 0 — you are right.

    Interestingly, it was 8-0 to dump him even though there were just 5 guys. Three went out of their way to say they would never ever EVER dis-respect their SO as he did with your apartment and basically voted twice to dump!

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    • Eljay October 16, 2014, 6:15 pm

      I do love your guy polls!

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    • Short-Haired Girl October 19, 2014, 8:27 am

      Thank you!

      I should have dumped this idiot for the longest time but I just can’t bring myself into doing so.

      But honestly, this is the last straw – how can he be so disrespectful to my place. I have left it clean and I expect to find it clean.

      As of writing, I have changed the lock at my place. and YES – I did dump his sorry ass. I just cant deal with this anymore

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      • something random October 19, 2014, 2:36 pm

        Thanks for the update! Good riddance and good luck.

  • Julia October 16, 2014, 6:00 pm

    @Kate I agree 100%. You came home looking for something wrong, and found it. Regardless of whether he cheated, which sounds likely, if your first thought after coming home from Singapore is to see what is amiss after your boyfriend has been there, you don’t trust him. MOA.

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  • Kalu October 16, 2014, 6:59 pm

    This guy is so rude! You have every right to ask questions after him leaving a strange mess in your place, he should be polite answering questions about his mess even if they surprise him. Sounds shameless, aim higher.

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  • Lucy October 17, 2014, 12:15 pm

    Maybe he cheated, maybe he didn’t. There are a lot of possible explanations for the hair. But pretty much all of them include having a woman in your flat, so odds are, he lied to you. Plus, he’s a thoughtless pig. Who borrows someone else’s flat while they’re away, and then leaves it a mess? An overgrown child who thinks you’re his mommy, put here to clean up after him? No. Dump him.

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