After he went home, I noticed that he had cooled off. No cute texts, and phone calls were sporadic. If I tried to call, he would keep the call short and there was no pillow talk like before. I had a bad day at work one day and learned that a friend had died of cancer. I really needed a friend to talk to about it. I called him at 7:15 p.m. and he told me he was eating dinner and would call back. My girlfriend called me a bit later and I must not have heard the click from his incoming call. About 10:00 a.m. I texted him to see if he could call me back. No response. I tried to call him, but his answering machine came on.
The next day I tried using *67 to see if he was avoiding me or would answer the phone. He answered the phone and yelled at me, saying that my text really pissed him off and that he had tried to call earlier but the line was busy. I told him that I did not hear the beep. He hung up on me after saying that no girl is going to control him.
Perhaps I should have given him his space but didn’t expect him to talk to me like that. Since then there has been no contact from him. — Sadder But Wiser
1. Four days is a long time to spend in constant company with someone you’ve never met in person. If you meet someone online again who lives far away and you decide to meet in person, keep the first visit to no longer than two days. (Bonus if the person visiting has someone else he or she can actually crash with).
2. When you have a terrible day and need someone to talk to, don’t choose the person who has been distant with you, keeping his (sporadic) calls short and changing the tenor of his communication.
3. Bullet dodged, my dear. This guy sounds like a jerk, and a sexist one at that. File this whole experience away in the folder marked “Now I Know Better.” Because you do.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.
bagge72 July 10, 2014, 10:30 am
It sounds like you went right into girlfriend mode, and that’s not what he is looking for. He got what he wants, and the rest is just too much for him. I would just drop it, and look for somebody closer to where you live.
tangerbean July 10, 2014, 10:35 am
Answering machines? *69? What year was this letter written?? Maybe it’s a #TBT. 🙂
MissDre July 10, 2014, 11:33 am
I was thinking the same thing… haha
Steph July 10, 2014, 12:50 pm
Maybe she meant voicemail?
Kate B. July 10, 2014, 12:58 pm
Not everybody has that stuff, you know. I still use an answering machine. I prefer it over voicemail.
Skyblossom July 10, 2014, 10:38 am
I don’t understand why some guy that you’ve spent a total of four days with in your entire life would be your go to friend for anything, let alone something serious. Why would you pile so much onto something so new?
honeybeenicki July 10, 2014, 10:45 am
I think you were expecting a lot more right out of the gate than he was. He shouldn’t be the person you go to with a bad day at this point. And 4 days is way too long. It sounds like you dodged a bullet here. Dude has some serious respect issues.
Christy July 10, 2014, 10:46 am
Perhaps you could focus instead on cultivating some friendships? Even if you’re in an awesome relationship with someone who answers the phone when you call (which is really the bare minimum, if you ask me) you should still ideally have a friend to talk to. A relationship can’t do everything for you.
Raccoon eyes July 10, 2014, 11:08 am
I like your sign-off name, “Sadder But Wiser.” I think it is very apt.
You need to MOA, Dear. Like, now. If a man ever says to you that no woman is going to control him, it is MOA time. Especially when you met him on a chat line (umm, huh??), he had to FLY to see you, and then starts ignoring you immediately thereafter.
Portia July 10, 2014, 11:22 am
Yeah, calling you “controlling” because you called 3 times and sent a text? Because your friend had died? That’s someone who either has some issues or is looking for an excuse to get out.
lets_be_honest July 10, 2014, 11:25 am
Controlling isn’t the right word, but if someone I barely knew/”dated” for a hot minute called me 3 times and sent a text before I was able to get back to them, I’d call them crazy (or my mom).
Portia July 10, 2014, 11:49 am
Ha, yeah, I get what you’re saying. He did pick up the first time and called back, though, so it sounded a little phone-taggy. Well, until that last call – I probably wouldn’t have called a second time the next day, nor block my number.
Portia July 10, 2014, 11:50 am
Also, I had to look up what *67 was, it’s been a long time since I’ve heard that…
Portia July 10, 2014, 2:42 pm
Oh, and slightly off-topic, but this made me think of the Dobler-Dahmer Theory from How I Met Your Mother. Basically, that big romantic gesture can be seen as romantic if you’re into the person (Dobler) but crazy if you don’t (Dahmer). So, if he’s still been into her, the attention would have been romantic, but because he’s clearly not into her anymore, well…
findingtheearth July 10, 2014, 11:38 am
Before he left, did you set perimeters of your relationship so you both knew where you stood? Without being honest about what you want, you can’t really know what he expects. I think you jumped the gun with wanting more, but you also should have defined things a bit before the end of your 4 days together.
stonegypsy July 10, 2014, 11:39 am
Yeah it sounds like you were both looking for something different. For the record, it’s probably best not to put too much on someone you met online and have spent all of 4 days with.
MissDre July 10, 2014, 11:46 am
It could be that the reason he cooled off / distanced himself after he went home is because the idea he had of her in his head before they met did not match the real LW he met in person.
When you meet someone online, and all you have to go on is pictures and chats, you build up this fantasy ideal in your head of what the person is like. Then you meet them in person and you’re like OMG this person is not at all like I thought…. and then you ghost them. Or vice versa. When I was younger and trying to date online, this happened to me a few times going both ways.
ktfran July 10, 2014, 11:58 am
Ooh, I like this take. Another take, they could have had completely different expectations. She may have thought that long weekend would lead to a relationship and he could have just wanted to get some….. I know plenty of guys who “cool” interactions after they have slept with someone and he thinks that person wants more or whatever. Actually, I’ve done this too. So it’s now just dudes.
OK – I don’t know that they slept together. I’m assuming so because they spent four days together. But even if sex wasn’t involved, I think the LW’s expectations were different than the dude’s.
Moneypenny July 10, 2014, 12:58 pm
This is exactly what I thought too. This has happened to me as well! And it’s disappointing, but well, it happens.
Bittergaymark July 10, 2014, 12:23 pm
To me the LW just seems off… Hey, if one of my friends died of cancer — I’d somehow totally forget about my bad day at work. If THAT didn’t put petty workplace drama into perspective — then nothing will.
PS — Um, saying no boy is going to control me doesn’t make me homophobic — so I don’t quite see how it makes him sexist…
Wendy (not Wendy) July 10, 2014, 12:35 pm
Power differential. Plus he said “no girl” instead of “no girlfriend”–that would have had a different tone. Fair or not, a lot of women have heard this directed at them or their friends/sisters/etc in a menacing, sexist way and it’s hard to hear it otherwise. (Whether “no girl” or “no woman”.) Actually, if a gay man said it in the same menacing way (“no boy” or “no man”), I think I WOULD wonder about internalized homophobia.
Dear Wendy July 10, 2014, 12:37 pm
Also, why “girl” and not “woman”? Using “girl” in this kind of context is so dismissive.
Bittergaymark July 10, 2014, 12:42 pm
Oh please. She was so NOT his girlfriend. Acting like a needy, crazy, controlling emotional mess who plays childish phone detective games does NOT make you a girlfriend. It also doesn’t make you a “woman” either. Those are the actions of a textbook vapid “girl.”
Leyahn July 10, 2014, 6:36 pm
Um, Mr. Married, maybe?
Sam July 22, 2014, 12:51 am
He is in a serious relationship or married.