Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Afternoon Quickies: “Did My Partner Join a Sex Site?”

I’ve been with my partner for four years, we have one child, and we live together. I trust him now, but sometimes I feel he isn’t being completely honest with me. I’ve had this experience in the past with him: Back when he was in a very bad place, I discovered a few lies. But now he is always by my side. Still, I keep getting this bad gut feeling about something that popped up on his phone. We both share our passwords, and when I was on his phone recently, I saw a sex site that he apparently set up where you can arrange to meet up with women for everything and anything. My heart went into pieces.

When I confronted him about it, he said he never made it — that one of his old friends he fell out with must have made it to spite him and to cause an argument between us. But the only thing that doesn’t add up is that he uses the same password for that sex site that he uses for everything else, like emails and stuff, which makes me wonder if he created the account on the sex site himself?? I’m not sure this whole story with his friend making the account adds up. His friend and the friend’s girlfriend used to come up and have a few drinks with us, but they fell out around a year ago as my boyfriend owed him money and never gave it back. I had an argument with the girlfriend too, but this account was most likely set up before all that as there’s a picture up of my boyfriend and his friend. What do you think? My mind is on overdrive at his point. — Mind in Overdrive

I would disagree with you that the “only thing that doesn’t add up” is that your boyfriend uses the same password for the sex site that he uses for everything else. That actually adds up perfectly. It’s all the other lies he’s telling you that don’t add up. I mean, I’m no mathematician (understatement), but I’m pretty sure sex site popup + history of lying + shady behavior with friends + gaslighting = that SOB is straight-up playin’ ya like a fiddle, honey. MOA from POS. OK?

My sister and I are twins, 32 years old, and both living with our father. Up until we were 30, we contributed equally to rent, food, electricity, etc. Though I know we have both been very well-supported, I still cooked and did things for myself, while my sister had our dad wrapped around her finger, yelling at him to make her food and coffee, buy her cigarettes (she doesn’t have her license), etc. Since I was young, I have worked jobs, then quit to travel, come home and repeated, averaging a two- to three-month trip every two years. During the last trip I took, my dad and sister both moved out, going their separate ways, with my sister living out of home for the first time. I now am grateful to have been living with my mum for the past two months and paying no rent as I am saving to move in three weeks.

Well, my sister hates that I’m not paying rent and I understand that she feels its unfair. However, she still gets treated like a princess. With no intention of getting her license, she has our mum or dad still pick her up every day to take her to work, shopping, or anywhere else she needs to go. She gets anything she asks for — my dad literally drops anything he is doing to accommodate her. This doesn’t bother me as it’s her business, but she always tells me that I am relying on everyone and I am the bottomfeeder. She constantly brings up money and the fact that I’m currently not paying rent. I feel like everything is about money for her, with her rented house being somewhat of a status symbol for her and with her buying top furniture she can barely afford. When I move, I will be completely independent, and the plan is to get a job and stay put.

I’m sick of her thinking she is better than I (she has said this numerous times). Is she right? Or is it some kind of jealousy? If she’s so happy doing what she’s doing, why is she so worried about me? What should I do? — Twinsies

 
Grow up, both of you, seriously. And that includes maybe getting a job before you move out, get a place of your own, and declare yourself completely independent, finally, at thirty-fucking-two.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

8 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD November 27, 2018, 3:17 pm

    Wow. Some people will believe anything. It wasn’t me. The Shaggy defense. Of course your boyfriend is cheating on you. Read your letter.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star November 27, 2018, 3:41 pm

    LW1, you have a child. And you are gullible enough to believe literally anything. This is extremely bad combination.

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster November 27, 2018, 3:47 pm

    LW1: He’s lying to you, obviously.

    LW2: Jesus Christ, you’re both 32 and are this ridiculous and dependent on your parents?! FFS, if you reread your letter and a bottomless pit of shame doesn’t open up and swallow you whole, then there is no hope for you.

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  • avatar

    Ange November 27, 2018, 4:43 pm

    At 32 I had been out of my parent’s house for 14 years and working for 18, I can’t imagine being that age and only just thinking I was finally ready to spread my wings and fly (and maybe get a proper job). Your sister isn’t great OP but don’t kid yourself that you’re not completely taking advantage of the situation either. I would feel sorry for your parents if they hadn’t created this particular rod for their own backs.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros November 27, 2018, 6:02 pm

    LW1: So, your boyfriend is saying that somehow friends he doesn’t ever see went on his phone and not only created an account for him on a sex site, but used his regular password, and apparently forced him to use the site recently enough that you’d see it on his phone? I hope you don’t seriously believe that could be true. I don’t know what other things he’s done in the past, but I think you’ve been in denial way too long about the fact that he’s dishonest and not trustworthy. If you continue believing whatever lies he tosses at you, that’s pretty sad.

    LW2: If you spent as much time being an adult as you do complaining about your sister like you’re a bratty teenager, then you wouldn’t be mooching off your parents still. I’m 32 years old. I have lived on my own for 14 years, usually about 1,000 miles from my parents. I pay all my own bills. I have a real job where people depend on me.

    If you started acting like an adult, then your sister wouldn’t be able to say all those things about you, would she?

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  • avatar

    ron November 27, 2018, 7:26 pm

    LW#1 — yes, of course he’s shading and of course you have to leave.
    LW#2 — Oh, you poor little princess. You can’t stand that your twin is a more pampered princess, while you have to make do with sponging off your parents so you can keep quitting jobs to take 2-3 month long trips every two years.

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  • avatar

    CET November 27, 2018, 9:02 pm

    To the twins – oh my god are you for real???!!! Myself and everyone I know completely supported ourselves 100% starting at age 22-ish (or ealier). WTH? You and your sister are in your 30s! You work a job (or jobs), you get your own place (or share with roommates), you pay your own bills, you live your own life and you don’t worry about your sister. You put yourself through grad school or trade school or whatever goal you have. You work at the same time. You even manage to save a little each year towards your retirement. You visit your parents every now and then. You, gasp, even take THEM out to eat or treat them in some way! I can’t believe your parents are such pushovers. What is the matter with your dad…he needs to say go get a license Missy. I am not driving you any more. Wow. At age 32 I had paid off all my college loans. I worked my butt off both at jobs and in grad school, and I had bought my 2nd house…and had a small retirement savings already going because when I was 22 one of my co-workers told me to start saving NOW for retirement which shocked me and so I started doing it. I had not lived with my parents since high school. I lived in a different state by then as well…you go where the jobs are! Start being your own adult. You are getting a very late start. GOOD LUCK.

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  • avatar

    Anonymous November 28, 2018, 11:13 am

    LW1). You are either a fool or simply way too easily decieved. Your BF’s explanation is laughably thin.
    .
    LW2). Paging Losers, party of two.

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